Jokes

Here you can put jokes of any kind, and riddles and funny statements.


sorry if this is already on there i searched and nothin....lol


If it is 0 derees outside and the next day is to be twice as cold how cold will it be?

I don't know. Tell me.

not sure...lol


heres another

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

lol

Here you can put jokes of any kind, and riddles and funny statements.


sorry if this is already on there i searched and nothin....lol


If it is 0 derees outside and the next day is to be twice as cold how cold will it be?

Won't it still be 0 degrees? Because 0 multiplied by 2 is still zero.

Ha Smart one, Rainydays!

Ha well no cause it would be in the negatives...and its not 0 its below zero....lol

Here's one: You might be a redneck if...
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

here i gots one it funny

Spelling checker
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.

lol that one was good

heres another

English language
The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Ha well no cause it would be in the negatives...and its not 0 its below zero....lol

Well the joke didn't say two degrees colder. It said TWICE as cold. Whats zero doubled? ZERO. lol whatever.:p

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers

that makes sense but it doesnt...lol....it would be in the negatives if it was 0 degrees and it would be twice as cold which would be going down

lol heres another

Letter to a shrink
Dear Shrink,

It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn?t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.

I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.

I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.

Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?

I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!

I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Why couldn?t they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?

I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.

There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).

Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.

There are times when you don?t get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.

Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.

Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?

Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn?t share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend?s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!

"Trix aren?t for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I?ve seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.

No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.

I can?t wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who?s with me?

Sianara,

You Know Who

P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven?t failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7? by 4? by 2? life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.

that makes sense but it doesnt...lol....it would be in the negatives if it was 0 degrees and it would be twice as cold which would be going down
True, is there an actual answer to it? Because -2 seems like the easier perhaps logical answer. :lol: I'm just saying if it says twice as cold, something twice as cold as zero is zero. BLAH..lol official answer please.

I don't think she knows the answer. lol

Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

lol its a question to make you think to cofuse you there is no answer but what i said is more logical...lol

heres antoher


Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

^ LOL, your answer is more logicial, but mine is mathematically correct :)

Hmmm, I'd think its a "pair" or pants because there are two legs? lol I don't know.

LOL Why?

lol thats hilarious.....Rainy....lol...so slow

Just so you know Potters joke has no answer. lol

lol thats hilarious.....Rainy....lol...so slow
Are you calling me stupid? :no:

No I'm sure she isn't.

Q:how many emo people does it take to change a light bulb?

A:none they sit in the dark and cry.

(i am by no means making fun of emo,seeing as i'm sort of emo myself....)

No I'm sure she isn't.

I certainly hope you're right. :tu:

Funny one, malakin!

RainyDays, believe me she wasn't

Another Joke someone!

How do you get out of a room with no windows or doors, all you have is a mirror and a saw?

Funny one, malakin!

RainyDays, believe me she wasn't

Another Joke someone!
Aww, don't worry. I'm not one to hold grudges. :tu: No harm done.

Hmm, I have no idea about the mirror and saw riddle.
-----------------------------
Here's one riddle that classic.

$ THE MISSING DOLLAR RIDDLE $

Three friends check into a motel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance. So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the trio by $5. He asks the bellhop to return $5 to the 3 friends who had just checked in. The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day! Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent. Where did the other dollar go????

The facts in this riddle are clear: There is an initial $30 charge. It should have been $25, so $5 must be returned and accounted for. $3 is given to the 3 friends, $2 is kept by the bellhop - there you have the $5. The trick to this riddle is that the addition and subtraction are done at the wrong times to misdirect your thinking - and quite successfully for most. Each of the 3 friends did indeed pay $9, not $10, and as far as the friends are concerned, they paid $27 for the night. But we know that the clerk will tell us that they were charged only $25 and when you add the $3 returned with the $2 kept by the bellhop, you come up with $30.


and Padfoots Godson......did you mean.....How do you get out of a room with no windows or door and all you have is a Mirror and a Table???

yeah thats it, my mind was on something else thanks

welcome

well ill put the answer in spoiler if any1 erlse wants to guess

Well you look in the mirror and see what you saw then you saw the table in half and put the two halves together to get a whole....get it hole...lol

heres one

Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day.

any1 know??

If it is 0 derees outside and the next day is to be twice as cold how cold will it be?

This is my take on it (assuming you meant 0 degrees celsiuis):

twice as cold is essentially the same as saying half as hot right?

the problem we have is that multiplying and dividing become difficult if we use 0 so therefore change it into Fahrenheit.

F = 1.8C + 32

0 deg C = 32 deg F

so half as hot as 32 deg F = 16 deg F

convert back into Celsius (by subtracting 32 and dividing by 1.8)

16 - 32 = - 16

-16 divided by 1.8 = -8.8888888 recurring. That's the answer! (I think :lol: )

OHMY lol i didnt even think of that good job pianogirl...lol

thankyou!! :)

lol welcome...lol....genious

Two men were drinking in a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. The first man said to the second man "Did you know that the wind around this building blows so powerfully that if you jumped out the window, it would blow you around the building and back into the window again, just like you were flying?" The second man said "That's impossible! You'd fall to your death!" The first man insisted he was right, and when the second man didn't believe him, the first man said "I'll show you." So he jumped out of a window, and instead of falling, he circled the building and flew back inside the window. The second man was amazed and said "I'd never have thought that was possible! But since you could do it, I could too. I've got to try it!" So the second man jumped out the window, but instead of circling the building, he plummeted to the ground. The bartender shook his head and glared at the first man, saying "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."

(It's not a riddle, but I think it's funny :lol: )

The facts in this riddle are clear: There is an initial $30 charge. It should have been $25, so $5 must be returned and accounted for. $3 is given to the 3 friends, $2 is kept by the bellhop - there you have the $5. The trick to this riddle is that the addition and subtraction are done at the wrong times to misdirect your thinking - and quite successfully for most. Each of the 3 friends did indeed pay $9, not $10, and as far as the friends are concerned, they paid $27 for the night. But we know that the clerk will tell us that they were charged only $25 and when you add the $3 returned with the $2 kept by the bellhop, you come up with $30.


Yeah, I read that solution on the site too.
When I first read it I was like "wow, they had us fooled" It's the wordplay I guess.

arent i smart lol

A woman has 7 children, half of them are boys.
How can this be possible?

what is the answer

I don't know. She has 8 and lost 1.....

lol no any1 else have a guess??

Nope.......

A woman has 7 children, half of them are boys.

The woman and seven children make eight.
Half of them are boys = four boys (four being half of eight) and the rest made up of three girls and one woman.

ie them = the children AND the mother.

Am I right??

no

heres the answer

all of them are boys half of them are boys (3.5) and the other half are boys (3.5) see one half of a boy would be a boy and so would the other half in the right circumstances

here i gots one it funny

Spelling checker
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

:lol: So true.

Ha! I just read that spellchecker. It was great.


Here's one thats kinda dumb. LOL

A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire?!"

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios ?
- "Wow ! Doughnut seeds !"

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios ?
- "Wow ! Doughnut seeds !"

LOL!! Here's one...its kinda corny

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container for 2 hours?
Because it said "Concentrate"

What did (insert the name of a person you wish to insult*) get on his/her SAT test?

Drool.



________________________________
*I heard this in the context of a political person, but I think COS frowns on political slams, so I had to adjust it. Sorry if it takes away from some of the humor. :)

heres one

Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day.

any1 know??
I have a feeling I've heard this before...but I can't remember, really. What's the answer?

Here's a logic puzzle: you have three bags of gold, but one of them has fake gold in it. You also have a scale which you can use only ONCE. If each gold piece weighs one pound, and each fake gold piece weighs one ounce, find out which bag is the fake. (note: you can't "estimate" the weight by hand: you must have an exact measure).

Here's a logic puzzle: you have three bags of gold, but one of them has fake gold in it. You also have a scale which you can use only ONCE. If each gold piece weighs one pound, and each fake gold piece weighs one ounce, find out which bag is the fake. (note: you can't "estimate" the weight by hand: you must have an exact measure).

Is it the kind of scale you can use for two things? If so, you'd be able to tell by whether one was heavier.

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios ?
- "Wow ! Doughnut seeds !"

lol, love it!

I had a blonde joke but as soon as I went to type it, I completely forgot it:grumble: I'll come back when I remember

Two babies sat in two different cribs. One shouts to the other
"Are you a girl or a boy?"
The other baby giggled and called back
"I don't know- what are you?"
"I'm a boy!" he said proudly "Here, let me check you"
Carefully, the first baby climbed over to the other baby and cralwed under the covers. After a few minutes, the boy reappeared.
"You're a girl!"
"How can you tell?" she asked.
"Because" he began "I've got blue socks on, and you've got pink socks on"
:lol:

lol thats funny....cracking up...lol.....and your siggy is funny, Claire....

Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day.

any1 know??

the answer is language...the third word in The English Language is language!! lol der

What do you call an incompetent mind-reader?

Telepathetic

lol

heres one

If you were running a race, and you passed the person in
2nd place, what place would you be in now?

2nd place. Not 1st, because there is a guy in front of the 2nd place guy, that you just passed.

no

heres the answer

all of them are boys half of them are boys (3.5) and the other half are boys (3.5) see one half of a boy would be a boy and so would the other half in the right circumstances


I think I actually liked YellowRose's answer better, but I guess that makes sense...

My answer to the logic puzzle would be that you Can't find out which bag has the fake gold. I'm assuming you can have more than one piece of fake gold in a bag. Therefore, you can have 16 fake gold pieces in one bag, and that would equal the weight of one real gold (which weighs 1 pound). 16 ounces equals 1 pound. So, that means you can't just weigh any of the two bags to find out which is fake. The scale is not needed.

theres three bags though......


and you got the race one right EXPELIAMUS!

To clear it up a little bit, there are 3 bags. Let's say one bag has one real gold piece, and another bag has one real gold piece. 1 real gold piece = 1 pound. The third bag can have 16 fake gold pieces. Each fake gold piece weighs 1 ounce. 16 of them equal 16 ounces equals 1 pound. Every bag weighs only 1 pound each. If you put any two of the three bags on the scale, no matter what, they will be equal. The scale can not determine which bag is heavier or lighter if the golds are distributed this way.

Only peeking into all 3 bags will allow you to find out which has the fake gold. This is my new answer. I didn't read the question carefully, it asked "find out which bag is fake". It said you can only use the scale once, but it didn't say that you have to use the scale. It also didn't say that you can't look in the bags either.


"and you got the race one right EXPELIAMUS!"

Hooray!

Here's a logic puzzle: you have three bags of gold, but one of them has fake gold in it. You also have a scale which you can use only ONCE. If each gold piece weighs one pound, and each fake gold piece weighs one ounce, find out which bag is the fake. (note: you can't "estimate" the weight by hand: you must have an exact measure).

The presumption is that the gold is heavier than the fake. So, just weigh any two bags. If the two bags are the same weight, they both are filled with real gold, so you know that the other bag that you didn't weigh is the fake bag. If the weighed bags are not the same weight, the lighter one will have the fake gold, and the real gold is in the heavier bag and the unweighed bag.

Two silly bar jokes:
1--Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
2--A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said "Is this some kind of joke?"

lol thats funny

Whats wrong with you if your nose runs and your feet smell?

You're built upside down!!:lol:

This is my take on it (assuming you meant 0 degrees celsiuis):

twice as cold is essentially the same as saying half as hot right?

the problem we have is that multiplying and dividing become difficult if we use 0 so therefore change it into Fahrenheit.

F = 1.8C + 32

0 deg C = 32 deg F

so half as hot as 32 deg F = 16 deg F

convert back into Celsius (by subtracting 32 and dividing by 1.8)

16 - 32 = - 16

-16 divided by 1.8 = -8.8888888 recurring. That's the answer! (I think :lol: )

Nice solution, but there are more scales of measuring temp. including kelvins, in which case following your method the answer comes out to be -136.5 degrees Celsius. However since weather is measured usually in Fahrenheit or Celsius, your answer would make more sense, but initally the problem should have pointed out what scale to use.

What was little known about Ghandi: since he walked everywhere barefoot, he got these awful pains and was really tender after a bit of his life. He also had really bad breath. So what did his close, personal friends call him?

A SuperCallousFragileMysticHexedByHallitosis. :lol:

Whats wrong with you if your nose runs and your feet smell?

You're built upside down!!:lol:



lol i was thinking that one this mornin lol i was thinkin top put it on here too...lol

What was little known about Ghandi: since he walked everywhere barefoot, he got these awful pains and was really tender after a bit of his life. He also had really bad breath. So what did his close, personal friends call him?

A SuperCallousFragileMysticHexedByHallitosis. :lol:



I just recently developed the urge to watch Marry Poppins again, funny answer and thanks for the reminder

lol

Is it the kind of scale you can use for two things? If so, you'd be able to tell by whether one was heavier.
No, it is not that kind of scale. It is one scale which gives you a reading.My answer to the logic puzzle would be that you Can't find out which bag has the fake gold. I'm assuming you can have more than one piece of fake gold in a bag. Therefore, you can have 16 fake gold pieces in one bag, and that would equal the weight of one real gold (which weighs 1 pound). 16 ounces equals 1 pound. So, that means you can't just weigh any of the two bags to find out which is fake. The scale is not needed.
Only peeking into all 3 bags will allow you to find out which has the fake gold. This is my new answer. I didn't read the question carefully, it asked "find out which bag is fake". It said you can only use the scale once, but it didn't say that you have to use the scale. It also didn't say that you can't look in the bags either.
No, sorry, that's incorrect. Each bag contains the same number of bars. You can, however, open the bags. ;) There is a solution to this puzzle.


The presumption is that the gold is heavier than the fake. So, just weigh any two bags. If the two bags are the same weight, they both are filled with real gold, so you know that the other bag that you didn't weigh is the fake bag. If the weighed bags are not the same weight, the lighter one will have the fake gold, and the real gold is in the heavier bag and the unweighed bag.
As I said, this is not a scale with two sides, like you describe. There is only ONE "recepticle" to place things in that you want weighed. It does not show the relative weights of 2 objects, it only gives you a reading of the weight of one.

Shall I post the answer or does anyone else want to guess?

teacher: how do you spell pleasure?
student: p-l-e-z-z-a-r
teacher: that's not how the dictionary spells it
student: you asked how I spelled it, not how the dictionary did!

Joke: Why does a playground get bigger when it's full?

It has more feet in it!

Joke 2: What is louder then a cat stuck up a tree?

Two cats stuck up a tree!

Riddle: What's dark and created from light?

A shadow

lol

No, it is not that kind of scale. It is one scale which gives you a reading.

No, sorry, that's incorrect. Each bag contains the same number of bars. You can, however, open the bags. ;) There is a solution to this puzzle.


As I said, this is not a scale with two sides, like you describe. There is only ONE "recepticle" to place things in that you want weighed. It does not show the relative weights of 2 objects, it only gives you a reading of the weight of one.

Shall I post the answer or does anyone else want to guess?

You put all three bags on the scale at once. Then you take one bag at a time off of the scale and whichever one makes the least amount of impact on the weight would be the fool's gold. It is something like that. I've heard this one before.

Here you go! Good luck . . .

In a dictionary, the verb 'BE' is described as: BE [verb]

first and third person singular past indicative: was
second person singular and plural and first and third person plural past indicative: were
past subjunctive: were
past participle: been
present participle: being
first person singular present indicative: am
second person singular and plural and first and third person plural present indicative: are
third person singular present indicative: is
present subjunctive: be
Therefore you can correctly say 'I am', 'she is', 'you are', etc. Is it ever grammatically correct to say 'I is'?

Oh and here (I have so many of these it is unbelievable!):

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

Do YOU have any common sense?

Take the test to find out! (http://www.brainbashers.com/commonsense.asp)

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

Do YOU have any common sense?

Take the test to find out! (http://www.brainbashers.com/commonsense.asp)

2401 kits, 343 cats, 49 sacks, 7 wives. So the total is 2800, and that common sense test was good, I got 75% right.

I kind of stole this one, but changed part of it. I hope it still makes sense.

Tall I am young,
Short I am old,
Fire is my lifeforce,
As it is my Bane.
What am I?

2401 kits, 343 cats, 49 sacks, 7 wives. So the total is 2800, and that common sense test was good, I got 75% right.

I kind of stole this one, but changed part of it. I hope it still makes sense.

Tall I am young,
Short I am old,
Fire is my lifeforce,
As it is my Bane.
What am I?

Sort of guessing here but are you referring to candle?

yeah, good job. It wasn't very dificult, but I wanted people to start more riddles, so I had to add one.

yeah, good job. It wasn't very dificult, but I wanted people to start more riddles, so I had to add one.

Cool, I like that one! I love to solve riddles

that one about St.Ives you have the answer wrong.

It is ONE

seeing as nowhere does it say that everyone he meets is going to st ives as well

OK good one.

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

2401 kits, 343 cats, 49 sacks, 7 wives. So the total is 2800, and that common sense test was good, I got 75% right.

Wrong. Nice math, though.

75%? That is a whole, lets see if I am as talented of a mathematician as you, hm... yep, a whole 75% more than I did.

that one about St.Ives you have the answer wrong.

It is ONE

seeing as nowhere does it say that everyone he meets is going to st ives as well

:clap: Good thinking! Tricky, tricky . . .


Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

:lol: that is horribly hilarious.

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

the answer's 1 - you met them going the other way so you're are the only one going to St Ives. I'm Cornish so I hear this about ten times a year.

In a dictionary, the verb 'BE' is described as: BE [verb]

first and third person singular past indicative: was
second person singular and plural and first and third person plural past indicative: were
past subjunctive: were
past participle: been
present participle: being
first person singular present indicative: am
second person singular and plural and first and third person plural present indicative: are
third person singular present indicative: is
present subjunctive: be
Therefore you can correctly say 'I am', 'she is', 'you are', etc. Is it ever grammatically correct to say 'I is'?

"I is the nineth letter of the alphabet" - ha!!!

what do you get if you pick up a phone and dial:

10293049586969584948302827375693729503727496057362 5237586058394?

a sore finger

arent i smart lol

A woman has 7 children, half of them are boys.
How can this be possible?

what is the answer

she has 3 normal boys and one hermaphrodite. 3.5 boys.

no they all are boys half are boys and so are the other half...

omg, i have a best friend who is totally the worst joke teller ever!! I'm going to introduce him to here!

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

wow, that joke was soo good! I've just read it out and everyone here is laughing!

Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day.

any1 know??

Hungry?Angry? I can't think of anything else. What is it.....Do you Mean in the Phrase "The English Language?" If so, its language. probably not though. lol just a guess

I always tell this joke!

Me: Knock, Knock.

Other Person: Whose there?

Me: Interupting Cow.

Other Person: Interupt-

Me: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Hahahahahaha. It's the lamest joke ever but it gets me laughing my head of everytime!

I usually hate knock knock jokes, this is the only one I actually like:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupti-
MOOOOOOO!!!


:lol:


A man, Bob let's say, is driving some penguins to the zoo and his truck breaks down. Another car pulls up beside him. A man gets out of the car, Bill, and asks if there is anything he can do to help. Bob asks him to take the penguins to the zoo.
Later on, Bob sees Bill, and the penguins, walking through town.
Bob: Why didn't you bring the penguins to the zoo?
Bill: I did. Now we're going to the cinema. :rotfl:


..I just relised you posted the joke I just posted. Now I feel stupid LOL! Oh well..nothing new..:cool:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Love it!!! (but how did the computer know who it was? oh well:p)

xXxXxXxXxXx

A drunk staggers into a church one night, he opens the confession door and enters, the priest notices and goes into his box.
A few minutes go by, nothing, the priest coughs........ nothing.
A few minutes later the priest coughs again ........... nothing.
Finally he decides to knock gentley. Suddenly the drunk shouts...........................



'No good knocking, this ones got no toilet roll either!!!!!'.

xXxXxXxXxXx

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is hot down here!!!!!

Where's a pirates favorite place to eat?
ARRRRbys haha

Pirate Captain: Arrrrrrrr!

Danny Tanner: That's your favorite letter, isn't it

Ok..I love this joke.....tis a bit wierd and a tiny bit lame...but I think its quite good!!
Q. What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?
A. One wears suits the other just pants!!!

As I said a bit lame but who really cares!!

What did one snowman say to the other?





SMELLS LIKE CARROTS!

heres one but it's not that funny but...

Q: How many politions does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2 one to change it and the other to tell everyone that everthing's all right.

And the old standerd HP jokes:
Knock knock
Who's there?
You know
You know who?
don't say the name!

and:

Are you serius?
no I'm James

yay and here's my new name for voldie: Lord Moldivort
It uses the same letters i think...

heres one but it's not that funny but...

Q: How many politions does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2 one to change it and the other to tell everyone that everthing's all right.

:tu: :clap::lol:

Sitting on the edge of a state highway waiting to catch speed drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22mph he thinks "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder." So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car he sees a blonde driver with 4 old lady passengers, eyes wide and as white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused asks "Officer, whats the problem? I dont understand, Iwas doing exactly the speed limit."
"Ma'am," the police officer replies, "You were'nt speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be an hazard to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" She asks, "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, 22 miles per hour." she says proudly. The state police officer trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed the blonde grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go Ma'am...I have to ask a question, is everyone in this car ok? These women seem pretty shaken and they havent said a word"
"Oh they'll be alright in a minute officer, we just got off route 119"

A submarine can hold 100 people-99 people get on and it sinks. Why does it sink?

A submarine can hold 100 people-99 people get on and it sinks. Why does it sink?

Submarines don't sink...if that's the answer, probably more than that but IT'S FRIDAY and I can't think anymore lol

I don’t think it’s that they don’t sink, it’s that they are supposed to sink; that is how they travel.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it. :D

:lol:
some funny jokes on here:D

Where did Hitler hide his armies?
In his sleevies!

That's my favorite joke of all time.

And...

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

lol! I don't have any good ones:(

An adaption of the famous "Who's on first", set in the White House.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new rule was that, in oreder to get into Heaven you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man says. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
"Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on and throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refridgerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, "OK sir. welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and lets him in. A few seconds later the next guy comes up. "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
The man says, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
"Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. but all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refridgerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces, "welcome to the Kingdom of heaven," and lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. "OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
The man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."

heres one but it's not that funny but...

And the old standerd HP jokes:
Knock knock
Who's there?
You know
You know who?
don't say the name!

and:

Are you serius?
no I'm James


Never heard those. They're funny! So are the rest of the jokes on here. Keep 'em coming!

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is hot down here!!!!!


lol hilariious


How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.



lol thats a good one...lol

You might be a redneck if you have to tape your shoe together to walk

lol i just made that one up...lol

:rotfl: Tiberius.. thats great

For a load of good jokes (it's where I get quite a lot of mine from) go to Yahoo! Answers, the Entertainment & Music section, there's a jokes page on there!

Okay, these are those joke stories that can just crack someone up. You know, like this one for example.

Poo, Manners, and Shut Up were speeding down the highway. Then Manners politely opened the window and Poo flew out. Then Manners went to go pick him up when the police officer pulled over Shut up.
"What's your name sir?"
"Shut Up."
"What's you name sir?"
"Shut up!"
"Where are you manners sir?"
"'Bout a half mile down the road picking up Poo."
lol, it just cracks me up. :lol:

lol thats hilarious...oh man i forgot a really funny joke my friend told me the other day...well ill think of it again and come back it was hilarious i can tell u that...lol

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
lol

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

Do YOU have any common sense?

Take the test to find out! (http://www.brainbashers.com/commonsense.asp)



1 person was going to St. Ives... YOU! You met the man with the wives and the cats and the kittens, no one they were going as well:p


I kind of stole this one, but changed part of it. I hope it still makes sense.

Tall I am young,
Short I am old,
Fire is my lifeforce,
As it is my Bane.
What am I?

A candle

We are little creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set; one of us you'll find in jet. Another you may see in tin, and the fourth is boxed within . If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

spoiler:
vowels

:rotfl: found this about 7 minutes ago.. still laughing!!!


At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'S***!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

Okay i got a bunch of jokes from a jokebook, they're so stupid, that they're funny.

okay, here they go.


What's red and goes up and down?
A tomato on an elevator.

What's big, red, and eats rocks?
A big, red, rockeater.

Where does Tarzan the Vampire bite people?
In the Jungular.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What's a cannibal's favorite game?
Swallow the Leader.

What's black, white, brown, and red all over?
A chiuaua in a tuxedo, that fell into a jar of salsa.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.




When i think of more i will post them :]

LAX security.

Think about it.
(Though I do have some stories I could tell... It may not be a particularly funny joke, but it is a joke.)

To read the funniest joke ever, click HERE (http://http://www.cosforums.com/showpost.php?p=4596998&postcount=119)!!!

ok... i got one that ISNT funny....

ok.

why did the chicken cross the road?

to set up the punch line

Ok heres one,


Chuck Norris counted to infinity,

Twice

Pretty self-explanatory :lol:

here's a goodie:

question: what's the similarities betwen sex and air?

answer: they're both not important unless you're not getting any :lol:

Here you can put jokes of any kind, and riddles and funny statements.


sorry if this is already on there i searched and nothin....lol


If it is 0 derees outside and the next day is to be twice as cold how cold will it be?

Sure someone's done this already, but theres a reason for having 3 different Temperature scales. If its 0 degrees celsius, then it would be 136.5 degrees Kelvin if it was twice as cold. I'm too lazy to do the conversions if it's fahrenheit but if you use Kelvin you should never run into a problem with negative temperatures or being unable to multiply divide.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch "60 minutes"

Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama is so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama is so fat when the whales saw her they started singing "WE are family"

Heres a couple that go together
What's brown and sticky?
A brown stick

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff

What's a red bucket?
A red bucket

What's a green bucket?
A red bucket in disguise

Also one that cracks me up all the time

How many elephants can you fit in a convertible?
4, two in the front two in the back

How can you tell if an elephant's been in your house?
There's a footprint in the butter

How can you tell if two elephants have been in your house?
There's two footprints in the butter

How can you tell if three elephants have been in your house?
There's three footprints in the butter

How can you tell if four elephants have been in your house?
There convertible is parked out the front

How many elephants can you fit in a convertible?
4, two in the front two in the back

Ah but how do you get two wales in a car?

You drive

A group of Chicago sports fans are out hiking. One is a Blackhawks fan, one a Bulls fan, one a Bears fan, one a Sox fan, and one a Cubs fan.
They get to the top of a cliff and behold a majestic sunset. It is breathtaking.
Soon, though, they get to arguing about Chicago sports and who among them is the most dedicated fan.
The Hawks fan cries, "This is for Bobby Hull and the Hawks of the '60s!" and throws himself off the cliff.
The remaining fans are impressed by his dedication, but the Bears fan shouts, "Oh yeah? Well, this is for Ditka and the '85 Bears!" and throws himself off the cliff.
The Bulls fan is not about to be outdone. He shouts, "This is for Michael Jordan and the Bulls of the '90s!" and also leaps into the abyss.
This leaves just the Cubs fan and the Sox fan. At which point, the Sox fan says, "This is for the South Side!" and pushes the Cubs fan off the cliff.



If you are from Chicago you get this joke...

Heres a couple that go together

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff



Reminds me: Q:What's blue and fluffy?

A: Pink fluff holding its' breath

Here's one from when I was a kid --

Pete and Re-pete were on a boat... Pete fell in and who was left?

Re-Pete

(just say it over and over again and you're bound to drive your friends and family up a wall :lol: :p)

okay heres a group joke:

how do you out a giraffe in the fridge?
you open the door and put it in

how do you put an elephant in the firdge?

you take out the giraffe and put it in.

why did the animals have a meeting?
to discuss the animal that wasn't there.

which animal wasn't there?
the giraffe it was in the fridge.. hahahaaa

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Make it hold it's breath til it turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

A group of Chicago sports fans are out hiking. One is a Blackhawks fan, one a Bulls fan, one a Bears fan, one a Sox fan, and one a Cubs fan.
They get to the top of a cliff and behold a majestic sunset. It is breathtaking.
Soon, though, they get to arguing about Chicago sports and who among them is the most dedicated fan.
The Hawks fan cries, "This is for Bobby Hull and the Hawks of the '60s!" and throws himself off the cliff.
The remaining fans are impressed by his dedication, but the Bears fan shouts, "Oh yeah? Well, this is for Ditka and the '85 Bears!" and throws himself off the cliff.
The Bulls fan is not about to be outdone. He shouts, "This is for Michael Jordan and the Bulls of the '90s!" and also leaps into the abyss.
This leaves just the Cubs fan and the Sox fan. At which point, the Sox fan says, "This is for the South Side!" and pushes the Cubs fan off the cliff.



If you are from Chicago you get this joke...


I'm pretty sure there's one like that for every city/sport.
The one I got years ago went as:
Four hockey fans are mountain-climbing.

Each climber happens to be a rabid fan of a different NHL team. As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular team.

Finally, as they reach the summit, the climber from Vancouver takes a running leap and throw himself off the mountain, yelling, "This is for the Vancouver Canucks."

Not wanting to be outdone, the climber from Calgary throws himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Calgary Flames.".....

Seeing this, the Toronto climber walks to the edge of the precipice, yells, "This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs", and pushes the guy from Ottawa off the cliff.

LOL ^^^^^
but see Calgary Flames pwn so.. *jumps off computer table :O )

whats big and grey and can't swim?..........................a castle

A few riddles from me:

A donkey is tied to a rope that is six feet long. A bale of hay is 18 feet away
and the donkey wants to eat the hay. How could he do it?
~~
A plane crashed and every single person on board the flight was killed,
yet there were survivors. How is that?
~~
Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?
~~

The objective for this riddle is to get a man, two boys, a woman, two girls, a police officer and a thief across the river to the other side using a raft.

Keep in mind though-
1. Only two people can be on the raft at any time.
2. The man can't stay with any of the girls without the woman's presence.
3. The woman cannot stay with any of the boys without the man's presence.
4. The thief cannot stay with any of the people if the police officer is not there.
5. Only the man, woman and police officer know how to operate the raft.

How do you get everyone across?

[QUOTE=Lil_G135;5032009]A few riddles from me:

A donkey is tied to a rope that is six feet long. A bale of hay is 18 feet away
and the donkey wants to eat the hay. How could he do it?
~~

Walk to it? Am I right in thinking he's just tied to the rope and the rope isn't tied to anything?


A plane crashed and every single person on board the flight was killed,
yet there were survivors. How is that?
~~

The married people survived.

Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?
~~

Is it a convertible?

here i gots one it funny

Spelling checker
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

That was hilarious! :3

I noticed we're doing a mixture of jokes and riddles. So here is a riddle for you:

When you have me you want to share me, but when you share me you do not have me.
I can be a gift in the hands of a friend, but a threat when held by an enemy.
I am not something to be taken lightly.
What am I?

whats big and grey and can't swim?..........................a castle

Among other things... Elephants, Big Rocks, Large Gray Billboards, Airliners, Gray Paper Mache Sculptures of Giants.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure elephants can't swim. Well, you don't see them doing it too often, do you?

Walk to it? Am I right in thinking he's just tied to the rope and the rope isn't tied to anything?



The married people survived.



Right on both accounts :)


Is it a convertible?

That's not the answer I was looking for, but that also makes sense xP

Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?

The windows are wound down.

I hope you get this one. ;)

Lovett: Well, you're so fat that when you jumped in the ocean, all the whales started singing, “We are family".

Todd: Is that so? You're so stupid, you tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

Lovett: Oh really? Well, you're so stupid, you tripped over a cordless phone.

--

I just saw it on some the HW forums by the way, and I really found it funny. :lol:

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.The first is full of raging fires,the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband.Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.The first is full of raging fires,the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband.Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?


Not sure about the second, but i know the first one for definite!! :D

The lions, because if they haven't eaten in 3 years, they'd be dead! :D
And the second.. Is it a photograph they're saying about?

...I hate you...:no:

:lol:

Yup you're right...:D

Okies how about this...


This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching

Is it that it has a question mark on "I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it?" When it's not a question?

Nope...

:)

Darn :lol: Tell meeeeee? :(

IS IT THAT IT'S PURPLE?!?! :lol: :D!!

Nope! :lol:

Sorry, no can do :elaugh:

TELL ME :lol: I'm going to explode if i don't find out!! D:

Nu-uh!

I'll let you keep thinking...And thinking...And thinking...

:p:p:p:p:p:p:p:p:p

Is it that i'm getting annoyed and frustrated over a paragraph with nothing wrong with it? :lol:

But it says there isn't anything wrong with it...There's just something unusual about it.
:p :D

WHAT THE HELL IS UNUSUAL ABOUT IT?!?!?! :upset:

:elaugh:

:upset::upset: Why won't you tell me?? :upset:

:elaugh:

I get to be cooler then you for once...:p

That's why...:D

:upset: But you're killing me :( I've already had a bad enough day already

:huggles:

I can;t just tell you...

Well I can..But still :p

:elaugh:

please? :sad:

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching.

Anyone wanna guess?

could I be sarcastic if I said 'It is Purple' ?

I take it this a joke thread?

knock knock.
dam doors stuck.
oil it.
start over.
knock knock.
whos there?
me ya plum!

Darn :lol: Tell meeeeee? :(

IS IT THAT IT'S PURPLE?!?! :lol: :D!!

Sorry Lumos...Pop already beat you to that :p

You cheated.:grumble:

Pleeeaaaase tell me the answer? :upset:

Still haven't figured it out??

:p

...I hate you...:no:

:lol:

Yup you're right...:D

Okies how about this...


This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching

I think I know - there's no letter "e" in the paragraph. Nothing wrong with it, unusual because "e" is used very commonly in English

:grumble:

Awww...
I was hoping no-one would figure it out so then I could be all big-headed about it....

:lol:

:D

There you go Pop...Now you know...:p

Omg :lol: That sucked :lol:!!!

:rotfl:

What's black when you buy it, red when you use it and grey when you throw it away?

Coal :D

...:(

:lol:

Something that the maker doesn't need, the buyer doesn't want and the user uses it without knowing.

Coffin :lol: :D

:grumble:

I can't think of any more at the moment...

:lol:

Mwaha :lol:

:sigh:

A man was in the forest and walked into a tribe. The tribe said to him "you've found out about us now, and nobody else can know. You need to die. You're allowed to say one thing before you die. If it is a lie, you get fed to lions, but if you tell the truth, you're going to be shot."
The man got away from them alive, what did he say to the tribe?

:p !!!!

Pop i'm confused...Errr...
he said 'there are no lions!' :lol: I don't know...

Nope :lol:

:grumble:

:D :lol:

:grumble:

I still don't know what it is!
...

Can you just tell me?? =) :angel:

How do you frustrate a Harry Potter fan?

I'll tell you later.

What do you get if you mix a football team with an ice cream?

Aston Vanilla (English peopul will get this.. I hope... )

What do you get if you mix a football team with an ice cream?

Aston Vanilla (English peopul will get this.. I hope... )


For some weird reason that I cannot comprehend...I found that hilarious. :rotfl:

It's probably cuz i've had to less sleep. :yuhup:

A man was in the forest and walked into a tribe. The tribe said to him "you've found out about us now, and nobody else can know. You need to die. You're allowed to say one thing before you die. If it is a lie, you get fed to lions, but if you tell the truth, you're going to be shot."
The man got away from them alive, what did he say to the tribe?

he said '':p !!!''

The windows are wound down.

Nope, the windows are rolled up and locked. ;) Here it is again (along with the other one) if anyone else wants to make more guesses:


Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?


The objective for this riddle is to get a man, two boys, a woman, two girls, a police officer and a thief across the river to the other side using a raft.

Keep in mind though-
1. Only two people can be on the raft at any time.
2. The man can't stay with any of the girls without the woman's presence.
3. The woman cannot stay with any of the boys without the man's presence.
4. The thief cannot stay with any of the people if the police officer is not there.
5. Only the man, woman and police officer know how to operate the raft.

How do you get everyone across?

Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?

You mash up the roof :yuhup:
Or open the boot and then climb out...:p

Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?

Scream.

A man was in the forest and walked into a tribe. The tribe said to him "you've found out about us now, and nobody else can know. You need to die. You're allowed to say one thing before you die. If it is a lie, you get fed to lions, but if you tell the truth, you're going to be shot."
The man got away from them alive, what did he say to the tribe?

He said, "I am going to be fed to the lions."

If he WAS fed to the lions, he must be telling the truth - BUT, if he is telling the truth, he has to be shot. It's a paradox, and there's no way to solve it, so they couldn't kill him by either of the two methods.

So they just pushed him off a cliff and killed him like that.

Here's one for you...

A man is brought to court and found guilty and sentenced to death. In an effort to be at least a little merciful, the judge says, "Okay, I'll let you choose the method by which your death is brought about. The only condition is that it has to be something guaranteed to work."

The man made his choice and selected a method of death that was guaranteed to kill him, but yet was able to live for many years afterwards. What did he choose as the method of death?

(Be warned that my internet is down at the moment, so it may be a while before I can reply.)

He said, "I am going to be fed to the lions."

If he WAS fed to the lions, he must be telling the truth - BUT, if he is telling the truth, he has to be shot. It's a paradox, and there's no way to solve it, so they couldn't kill him by either of the two methods.
Yes :D

Old age?

Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?

Stop imagining. :D

Yes, mine was old age.

Imagine you're in a car where all the doors and windows are locked.
Neither can be unlocked and the windows cannot be smashed.
How do you get out?

It's a convertable and the top is down so you get out by climbing over the door? :shrug:

So this guy walked into a bar... it hurt. :rotfl:

At Hogwarts, what sound does the cereal make?

Snape crakel pop

=3

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls...BAGELS!!!

oh, and i love:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
You know.
You-know-who?
(then laugh)

^^ HAHA i like that one...:lol:

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Ohhhhh, this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

So this guy walked into a bar... it hurt. :rotfl:

BAHAHA! :lol:
I really think the simple and silly jokes are the funniest. Great joke, especially when you say it at loud to a friend who thinks you're going to tell them a hilarious joke, but end up with a corny, silly one. :rotfl:

Here's one that always gets me:
What do you call a cheese that's not yours?
NACHO CHEESE. :D

What do you get if you mix a football team with an ice cream?

Aston Vanilla (English peopul will get this.. I hope... )

I get it! Aston Villa is it?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Ohhhhh, this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

I actually :lol: at this joke!