The Harry Potter Mary-Sue Vingettes

Okay, this is basically a series of 'vignettes' of typical Mary-Sues in Harry Potter, whether it be in the Marauder Era or in the Trio Era. :) The first one is in the Marauder era. Hope you enjoy! :relax: The first one stars Remus Lupin so help yourself to some chocolate and tea, and get reading! :D Remember to give feedback. :)

Last note: by the way, don't take the Mary-Sues seriously, nor the corresponding stories. Thank you!

CHAPTER ONE: Of Werewolves, Mary-Sues and Transforming In Full View in a Common Room
Remus Lupin was staring into a fire looking pensive, ignoring the three other Marauders who were currently horsing around-well, Sirius and James really-and Peter was watching in amusement, sometimes interrupting them. No one noticed the beautiful lunar chart sitting on Sheba-Winifred-Sabrina's desk. Yes, you heard (or read, really) right: Sheba-Winifred-Sabrina was the most gorgeous girl EVER to grace Hogwarts. Even James forgot all about Lily in her presence (which I guess was a relief to Lily, who then hooked up with Snape, but that's another fantasy :p)

Sheba-Winifred-Sabrina-Kathelina-Arabella-Justine-Lilly-Catrina Morrison-Dragonsnare-Moriana was her full name, but everyone just called her Sabrina. She had long, ankle length hair of the brightest orange (it would put the Weasleys' hair to shame), which rippled, curled and waved mysteriously even when there was no air. It had a certain gloss and shine to it that always stayed, even if she didn't wash her hair for a month. In fact, her body odour was so phenomenal it didn't matter if she didn't wash in a month: it was still overwhelming...so overwhelming in fact that people would faint just from the mere beautiful whiff of it.

Hem, hem. Anyway, Sabrina entered, spotted Remus and gave him a big hug. Her porceilan arms wrapped around Remus' handsome neck and clung on, humming a gentle tune into his ear that made him instantly sleepy. Oddly enough, the words she sung were: "My dear lovely, you are now getting sleepy..." She had fallen in love with him from the first millisecond of setting eyes on the young boy, and hadn't fallen out of love ever since.

Outside, there was a sudden disturbance in the sky as the moon rose, shoving clouds out of its way. It was huge, red and FULL. Oh no. Oh dear, we are in trouble. Remus wasn't in the Shrieking Shack, he was in the Common Room.

Remus knew that twinge of pain only too well, and the first word through his mind was not particularly child friendly. Sabrina knew something was up and she took his face in her porcelain hands, looking into his eyes sombrely.

"Dear Remus, what ails you? I will kiss it better." Sabrina crooned.

Not that any amount of kisses would stop his transformation into a werewolf, but that's what she thought and that's what she did. Sirius, James and Peter (conveniently they were the only ones in the room, but in a minute a couple of girls would enter) couldn't fail to notice Remus' sudden shrieks of pain as his bones stretched, cracked, snapped and bent to accompany the new, canine bones of the werewolf. There was a thunderous pain in his head as his skull morphed into a wolfish skull. Of course, Sabrina didn't really understand, and even as he tried to push her off him, she still clung on.

"I won't be surprised if her animagus would be a limpet." Sirius muttered as he waved a seperation spell at Sabrina, who squealed as she was suddenly bust apart by Padfoot's intervention. Excellent work, Snuffles. ;) "James, have you got your invisiblity cloak!"

Sixty seconds had passed now and two girls walked into the common room, right at the moment when a fully transformed werewolf leapt out, and they both (understandably) screamed.

"THERE'S A WEREWOLF!" one of them screeched. "BURN HIM!" She grunted as a whole mob of Lupin Fans suddenly descended on her and dragged her off out of sight, accompanied by her friend.

Meanwhile, Sabrina was clinging on tightly to the werewolf and sobbing into his fur. Unbelievably, the werewolf was calm and...blimey, was he transforming? Indeed, he was coming back to human again, and only from Sabrina's touch. The other Marauders stayed still, dumbfounded. James had almost transformed into his animagus form, and still had stag antlers on his head. Sirius couldn't look at him, for fear of causing himself to laugh so loud that he made his friend deaf in one ear. Of course, Sirius would never want to delibrately hurt his best friend.

Lupin stood up, looking dumbfounded.

"Well, time I was back in the canon fold then, eh, Sabrina-of-the-mile-long-name? I'd never transform in the common room or anywhere in plain view. And how is it you were able to transform me back from..." he winced-not again. The pain once more. Sabrina noticed and put her arms around him again.

"I have power in my warm embrace." she cooed as he reserved back to human.

"You have power because you are an apparition of someone's wishes." he said, removing himself from her embrace. With a very hasty flick of a wand, lest he started turning wolfish once more, he disappeared into canon.

Second installment! :D Now focused more on Sirius! :D All you Sirius fans can rejoice ;)

CHAPTER TWO: Of Kind Dementors and Cleaniness in Azkaban Even After Twelve Years
Twelve years in Azkaban would change the looks of even the most handsome of men. Yes, even Sirius's. Which is why Hermione, Harry and Ron were confused when Srius waltzed into the shrieking shack looking hardly a day older than himself in that wedding photo Harry kept. One thing was for certain: he may as well have never gone to Azkaban in the first place.
"Well he doesn't look a day over twenty-five does he?" Hermione remarked.

In fact, Sirius was no longer the disheveled man of canon, particularly canon!PoA, but a clean man of fanfic. Apparently dementors were lenient enough to provide shampoo, soap and clean clothes for the prisoners. How...kind these shells of humans are, regardless of whatever Professor Lupin had informed Harry about dementors (and the Dementor's Kiss).

Sirius walked in, his long, silken hair very much in place, halfway down his back and well-groomed. His clothes were not ragged and smelly like a beggar's, but fit him, were like new and made in some nation in Asia.
His face, with its high cheekbones and delicious dark chocolate eyes (in fact, Crookshanks had to be restrained from eating the chocolate :p), held no sign of madness. He may as well, indeed, have never gone to Azkaban.

"I'm Sirius's twin." he explained to the gobsmacked Trio in the shack. "The other Sirius is...tied and gagged somewhere..."

Lupin burst into the shack, and stared, thunderstruck.

"Sirius?" he said, understandably befuddled. Then he saw the Trio, also befuddled. "Yes, I wonder what's going on too." He directed his next words sternly at who he suspiciously suspected to be an Imposter. "Where is Sirius and what have you done to him?" he continued.

"But...I am Sirius! Well, a twin really, but still! I guess you can call me Sirius 2!" the Imposter/Twin!Sirius protested.

"Riddikulus-I mean ridiculous!" Ron croaked, noting that Scabbers was calm as ever. In fact, if the rat could have whistled a cheerful tune, he might have.

"No you're not." Lupin fished out the Marauders' Map and studied it. "In fact, if I am not mistaken, you are a Gary Stu version of Padfoot."

Harry had now gone from conused-hatred to confused-bemused, and now to confused-confused.
"Professor Lupin? What's going on?" he began, but stopped in horror when he saw the canon Sirius-matted hair and all-appear at the entrance to the room.

"Riddikulus." Lupin pointed his wand at Imposter/Twin!Sirius, making him evaporate into a cloud of smoke. Everyone else faded away, returning to canon.

What Lupin didn't know (or might have-I haven't asked him :p), was that Imposter Sirius, in fact, was a particularly strong boggart reflecting the Sirius fans' biggest fear: Twin!Sirius mixed in with a dash of clean-despite-being-in-Azkaban-for-12-years-in-a-PoA-setting!Sirius.

The next installment you will witness the impossible: Lily's unknown twin son! That somehow JKR never revealed to us! :O As I am not Fred/George, I apologize if my Fred and George may seem a bit off.
Anyway, the chapter!

CHAPTER THREE: Harry Potter and the Two Too Many Pairs of Twins
Everyone, from Albus Dumbledore to Molly Weasley agrees: Fred and George Weasley are quite a handful. Many students still remembered fondly their dramatic and unforgettable exit in their Seventh Year.

However, what everyone, even Gred and Forge (for a while anyhow), didn't know was that Harry Potter had a TWIN. And this TWIN was the most handsome fella ever: with luscious, flowing hair, skin that stayed tan all year around, 20/20 eyesight and big, bulgy muscles. Despite the big bulgy muscles he was sleek as a cat when it came to running. Unlike his 'twin' brother, the famous Harry Potter, he did not possess a scar. It seems Voldemort did overlook another boy and never finished him off. Or Lily did a good job of hiding him. Or even, Remus had taken him in, never mind that the poor baby would be left all alone every full moon. In fact, Remus had taken in this twin, full moon or no full moon... And somehow, the kid was never taken away by custody nor 'shunned' by society because he lived with a werewolf...

Anyway, Harry did not even know he had this twin until Fred scooted over to his perch, looking rather amused or excited about something.
"Didn't tell us you were a twin!" Fred exclaimed. "You could've told us!"
Harry, naturally, thought Fred was just carrying on and joking around-the norm. But Fred persisted.
"That's probably my reflection you saw, somewhere, Fred." he remarked. "I'm..."
"GEORGE!" Fred called out to his twin, who came rushing over. "You saw him too, didn't you?" George nodded in agreement.
"If this is another of your pranks-"
"It's not!" chorused the Twins and they each took one of Harry's arms and guided him over to an alarmingly large group of girls who were all fauning over something or someone.

"See?" George asked. "Why did you never tell us of all people? We're twins too!" He flung an arm around the bewildered Harry. But he saw, as the group of girls finally shifted around a bit, that George and Fred were not kidding around after all!

"What?! Er...blimey!" Harry managed, blinking hard to ensure he really wasn't dreaming. The long-lost twin caught sight of him and beamed.

"How do you do! Harry Potter!" he shouted in glee. "I am your long-lost twin!"

All the Neville Fans took note of this other boy and hung their heads in disappointment: he wasn't the other boy in the prophecy after all it seemed. One or two even began crying on each other's shoulders. :upset:

Harry could only stare in shock. The Twin strutted over to him and clapped him on the shoulder.

"See my bulging muscles? From Quidditch!" He boasted. Fred and George made some kind of derisive noise. "Don't laugh at my muscles, destitute Weasels."

"What was that?" George asked loudly as Fred's hands clenched into fists. Angelina wasn't the only one who made a derisive noise.

"Honestly!" she scoffed, sounding oddly like Hermione Granger. "You can't get muscles like that just from Quidditch! Fred and George have been playing for years and they don't look like sumo wrestlers!"

"Who has been looking after you all this time?" Ron asked.

"Remus Lupin."

It was Hermione's turn to scoff now.

"Oh, honestly! Lupin is a werewolf isn't he?"

"So what, you mudblood?"

"Don't call her that!" Ron said angrily. "And I agree with her: how could Lupin look after you if he had to leave you once a month when he transformed?"

"He has...super-powers."

Harry remembered back to Dudley's comic strip books, and had a fleeting (and somewhat disturbing) image of Remus in a very tight Batman or Superman costume, ready to save the world with his "super-powers". Harry took out some brain bleach and passed it to the shuddering Lupinites.

"You are a fake!" shouted Harry. "Or else someone would've known! You dare insult my parents with your presence!"

"I am your evil twin." But suddenly the 'twin' started writhing around and his skin started melting like hot wax: polyjuice potion AND metamorphmagus together! In fact, the real person was a fanfic writer from the Muggle World, and a distant cousin of Rita Skeeter. She started shaking and sobbing, asking Harry to forgive her. However, forgiveness was not on Harry's mind.

"Guess we were wrong, Harry." George remarked. "We would've known anyway."

Together, the Lupinites, Canon characters and Neville Fans descended on the fanfic writer and bodily carried her to Professor Severus Snape, before changing their minds at the last minute and deciding to head for Filch...

Whatever Filch and Snape did to the Fanfic writer, no one ever knew, not even Fred and George themselves...

Okay, here's the next chapter! :D "Lovely Ladies" and "On My Own" are both songs in the musical Les Miserables. I recommend that there are no young children around if you look up Lovely Ladies. ;) This is a bit of a longer fic, so if it carries on and on, I may split it into half.

Chapter Four: Of Lovely Ladies and On My Own

Hermione Granger's hair had finally obeyed her: instead of stubbornly staying frizzy and poofy, rather it had now become sleek, glossy and straight :whistle:. Not only that, but she had defied Tonks and managed to become a metamorphmagus, and now she had turned her hair the palest shade of blond possible: platinum. She now wore lots of pink miniskirts, had shaved her legs* and wore a tank top.

Ron and Harry had tried to convince people that they didn't know who she was, and attempted denying Hermione had anything to do with them. Of course, because they'd spent more than two years together, people found it impossible to believe the boys didn't know 'Mione-

"Hermione!" JKR suddenly snapped at the author.

Right. Hermione.

Even the Weasley twins denied knowing her: in fact, they went to the point of obliviating their memories; they would've suceeded if it weren't for oh-so-perfect Percy stopping them. Percy himself was sickened and complained to his parents, siblings and even the Ministry about Hermione's new look. What Mrs Weasley thought...well, maybe it's better you didn't know. Let's just say that she had taught her front door to recognize a picture of Hermione Granger, and to slam shut on her with a rude noise everytime she arrived at the Burrow.

"Heya hun." Hermione seductively greeted a random Ravenclaw boy, who made a rude gesture behind her back.
"What a skunk" he grumbled to his friend.

Hermione tried once more to sit beside Ron and Harry, but the boys, understandably, took one terrified look at her and fled to sit beside Percy. That's right-Percy Weasley.

"You know, Ron, I do not think it is a good idea to be around her." Percy said to his brother. "She may have a bad influence on you."
"Good thing he's near you two then, Ron and Harry: her bad influence will wither under Perce's Head Boy badge." George called out.
"You keep out of this, George!" Percy snapped at the twin, before turning back to Ron.
"Percy, we decided not to hang around her, actually." Harry informed him. Percy nodded in satisfication. "No one made us leave her."
"I have thought that you were smart enough about hanging around her." Percy said. "Excellent choice, Harry."
"You wrapping him around your little finger are you?" Ron asked Harry, who did not answer, but continued eating his breakfast.

However, more bizzare things were awaiting the Hogwarts students. After a particularly adventurous Defense Against The Dark Arts class with Professor Lupin, the students headed out of class only to be met with a huge crowd full of chattering, snickering, shocked-looking and stricken pupils. There was a sound like someone singing some kind of song.

"Well someone's happy aren't they?" Harry remarked to Ron.
"Who's singing?" Ron asked Fred who had just squeezed through the crowd with George to stand just behind the boys. Fred was laughing too hard to answer properly, but George responded:
"Professor Snape."
Ron nearly choked.
"Professor...Snape?!"
"You bet." George confirmed. "Right, Fred?"
But Ron and Harry were already squeezing through the crowd which got thicker by the minute. Finally, they made it to the entrance of the Great Hall, where a most crazy sight met them.

For, up on the table, wearing pink robes, was Snape singing, standing on a table, with a goblet for a microphone. People were actually holding their hands over their ears. Someone with a huge clip that had the Les Mis Logo (http://freespace.virgin.net/david.bean/lesmis/logo.gif) on it, was shaking their head, and shuddering endlessly. She did not appear happy at all.

"Hey! What's going on?" Ron called out to the general crowd.
"Don't you have eyes?" sneered a random Slytherin. "Or do we have to take them out for you?"
Harry decided to go up to the Les Mis Hairclip girl.
"Are you alright?" he asked her.
"Terrible. On My Own's supposed to be a girl's song, not a boy's!" she said, almost tearfully. "Make him stop. Please? Oh! You're the boy who lived, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am." Harry had to raise his voice as Snape reached a particularly loud part of On My Own. Before he could say anymore, however, to his horror, Hermione got up on the table, clad in the terrible miniskirt and tank top. And heels. She slid up to Snape and started her own show.

People were either fleeing in terror, still covering their ears, or standing in disbelief, unable to move.

"Don't tell me that's Hermione, Harry." commented a quiet voice from right beside Harry: Professor Lupin had arrived, and he looked embarrassed, shocked and sickened all at the same time.

"Afraid so, Professor Lupin."

The Les Mis Hairclip Girl suddenly raised her voice.

"I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here!"**

And she did scream-an impressive scream. People looked around in bewilderment, and stared. Amazingly, Snape had stopped singing and Hermione was now looking in horror at her scant outfit.

"I don't remember putting this on!" she said, hiding her face in her hands.

"What exactly was that sappy song I was singing?" Snape snapped. "Five hundred points from whoever's house that was!"

There was a sneer and a stranger emerged from the crowd, and turned to them, glowering.

"I will not be interrupted again." he commanded, and pointed his wand at the two bewildered humans. "Impe-"

Snape whipped out his wand so fast that Hermione yelped as it poked her hard in the eye.

"EXPELLIARMUS!" Snape roared, making some more timid first-years jump an inch into the air. The intruder's wand soared high and out of reach. "Petrificius Totalus!" The intruder's body snapped rigid and he fell. He looked over at Hermione, still with her head in her hands.

"Three hundred points from Gryffindor for dressing like a prostitute. I will take off more if you don't go and change at once." he drawled.
Hermione burst out of the room at such speed that she knocked over a couple of first-years on her way.
"Or like a Lovely Lady." The Les Mis Hairclip girl muttered. "Too much like one!"
"What?" Harry asked her. She just smiled mysteriously.

"What are you all looking at?" Snape shouted at the now disintergrating crowd. "Do your study or get to class!"

Not many people had forgotten all about this bizzare day when a mysterious author had imperiused a hapless Hermione to dress scantily or for Snape to stand on a table, singing On My Own. But not many knew what Snape eventually did to the stranger either...and it was best they didn't know...


*I do not know if the canon Hermione actually shaved her legs or not, and I'm not interested in finding out anyway. :p
**Lyric from Attack on the Rue Plumet

By the way, the FEEDBACK THREAD (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=115895) where you can write your, well, feedback. :D

The next one now looks at some more weird ships. I am not against slash, but I do mention a couple of ones that are pretty out there. But it's not in any way intended as a full out attack. This is also during PoA era when Professor Lupin is still teaching at Hogwarts.

The NITS: Nastily Impossible, Terrible Ships

"You are one minute late, Mr. Potter, fifty points from Gryffindor." Snape drawled as Harry entered the Potions classroom only 53 seconds late. He tried to ignore Snape, being used to this unfair treatment of the points system.

"Today, you will be making Nastily Impossible, Terrible Ships, otherwise known as NITS."
"Cool! I like ships!" Ron hissed to Harry, earning Gryffindor another five points' deduction.

"These ships will depend on who you are, and they will be from the darkest, deepest and most terrible nightmares of past fanfiction. Be warned, Mr Potter, that you may be paired up with a certain Slytherin boy. I myself was paired with a certain Mudblood." Snape's eyes flickered over to Hermione, who gasped, clutched the sides of her chair and looked ready to faint.

"You will begin mixing your potions now!" And Snape fairly whacked the blackboard with his wand. The blackboard gasped in pain and began to hastily scrawl up the instructions.
"Neatly, you stupid blackboard!" Snape barked. "Start over!"

They had to wait as the object erased what was written and started over again. As soon as it was done, though, they were able to start, Neville looking very petrified indeed.
"I'd...I'd rather not see what my ships are." he said in a quavering voice.
"I have a bad feeling about mine," Harry muttered to Neville in reply. "Sounds like Draco the way he was going."

Neville was now slightly green, and looked as if he would be sick. He raised his hand.
"Professor? I think I need-"
"Silence, Longbottom! You will continue making a potion so appalling it will show you paired up with the giant squid." Snape snapped. "You will continue."
Poor Neville was near tears now, and Ron made a rude gesture at Snape when the professor was not looking. Harry was so intent on his potion making that he never noticed Snape striding to where he was, and smirking down at him.

"I made one for your dear Professor Lupin the other day." Snape smirked at him. "It seems he is paired with Black."
Harry's hands slipped and he accidently let the entire rat stomach into the potion, uncut. It seemed Snape was waiting for the right time to make Harry do a mistake in the typical Snapeian way.
"WHAAAATTT?!" Harry shouted. "Black?!"
The classroom had fallen silent and everyone was staring at Harry, aghast. Some let out squeaks of fear at Black's name and Neville knocked over the entire cauldron in his fright. Hermione hastily cleared the mess with her wand, but focussed on Harry, eyebrows raised. There was a loud squeal from Scabbers-really-Pettigrew from inside Ron's blouse pocket.
"Yes, Potter. Apparently Remus is perfect for Black. A convicted murderer. Now, if you will kindly redo your potion from the beginning, and if it turns out wrong, I will tell everyone what Professor Lupin really is." Snape said to Harry, not without some malice in his tone. He looked round at the other staring students. "Well, why aren't you all working!" They went back to work straight away.

What does he have against Professor Lupin? Harry thought furiously, as he redid the potion from the beginning again. He could hear Hermione muttering the instructions in Neville's ear; poor Neville was trembling and looked as though he might just faint at any minute. Ron was actually begging not to be paired up with his family, Hermione was furiously mumbling "Not Snape, not Snape, not Snape..."; Harry wondered if he would find Draco holding hands with himself when the potion was done...

Finally, people finished their potions, and it was time for them to step up and face their NITS. Snape looked very excited, for once, and there was a terrifying smirk and malice in his expression. He was almost rubbing his hands in glee.

"Mr Malfoy, you first."
Draco stepped up to Snape and dipped the potion into the empty-paged book. What came out of the potion was a sight to behold: the first to appear was himself and...
"Granger!" he yelled.
For there was Granger and Malfoy, having a big snog session like there was no tomorrow, or even midday.
"I love you Draco." Hermione said in a simpering tone. There was a retching noise from the real Hermione's direction. "I knew you were a wonderful, polite and gentle boy after all."
Ron snickered.
"Wait till Fred and George hear this!" he whispered to Harry.

Malfoy threw his potion bottle at what was no more than a ghostly apparition which then turned into Malfoy and...Harry having an intimate moment not unlike the previous apparition's. Malfoy screamed and fairly sprinted from the room amidst gales of laughter from the Gryffindors. Harry shuddered and joined Hermione with the sudden sickness bug. He'd rather have nits than meet his own NITS. As it were, he was up now.

"Potter! Bring your potion up to this book!" Snape directed. "And do dump the whole thing on it will you?" he said cynically as Harry fairly splashed the entire bottle-he really didn't want to keep any of it-onto the blank book. As it had already shown him with Draco, it now showed him with...Pansy Parkinson. There was a snort of laughter from Ron as Harry stood there, shocked.

"Never! I..." he didn't continue to say "hate her" lest Snape took off more points for hatred toward members of his beloved Slytherin house. Then it turned into Harry and McGonagall and he stepped back from the potion, now really thinking that this was getting a bit far. It changed again into him and Ron; this was when he fairly ran for it.

"No riddikulus to help us is there?" Ron griped at Hermione. "Typical Snape showing us shocking ideas of certain muggles!"
"Granger! Up here!"
Hermione looked pale and even worried, but walked up there anyway. She did as Draco and Harry had done before, and was confronted with a face to face apparition of her and Snape together. She quivered and glared at the Professor, who looked very much ill himself.
"Out, Granger." he said in a dangerous tone. "You can go NOW."
Hermione had never felt so glad to get out of a classroom, and this was probably the first time in her life she really was happy to leave. Neville was now out cold, but no one seemed to notice him.

"Weasley!"
Ron prayed that he would not be face to face with something sickening, but as it were, he probably would. Naturally, he was presented with a sight so appalling that it would not do to write it down on paper. Or forums even. Or a certain Fanfic section of COSforums come to that.

Later that night, a certain fanfic writer got a parcel from her favourite family: the Weasleys!!1!! There was a snackbox from Fred and George, along with a howler from the twins. This meant whatever Ron had told them about what he saw in the potion was pretty nasty. She was so scared of another howler from Gred and Forge (trust me, you don't want to make them mad! And they were MAD when Ron told them what he saw!),from then on that she never wrote another fanfic again.

And here's another one for tonight! :D I'm on a roll!

Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and the Un-Remus
At Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Hermione was poring over lunar charts, checking out when the next full moon was, thinking of Remus Lupin who had left Hogwarts two years ago, when Harry suddenly burst into the room, making her jump.
"Harry!" she exclaimed, shocked at his very white face. "What's wrong?"
"Lupin." he managed. "He's not himself."
"What are you talking about, Harry?" she asked, a worried look on her face. "What's wrong with him?"
"Dunno, but even Sirius is startled. He even went back to his room with Buckbeak, looking rather stupefied."
"Maybe it's just the full moon and..."
"It's waning, Hermione." Harry pointed out the window at the-indeed-waning moon. It had been full a few days ago and was back to half-ness.
"Where's Ron?" Harry wondered, looking around.
"He's in his own room, Harry. But..."
However her words were cut off by a shriek from Molly Weasley downstairs. They rushed out onto the landing, wondering what was going on now. Her shriek awoke dear Mrs. Black and now Grimmauld Place would certainly deserve the title of Shrieking Shack.

"FIREWHISKEY BOTTLES! EVERYWHERE! THIRTY OF THEM, REMUS! HOW COULD YOU! AND I THOUGHT SIRIUS WAS BAD!" Molly shrieked, in a manner that only Bellatrix wouldn't back away from. Even Voldemort would back away from her in this attitude.

"Firewhiskey? Lupin?" Ron remarked.

"FILTHY HALF-BREEDS! BESMIRCHING MY AIR!" Mrs Black shrieked.

"Oh shut up." George muttered at the painting, now holding his hands over his ears. "This is hurting my ears, mothers."

"'ear, 'ear," Ron agreed, not realizing that he'd just stolen George's line right out of Deathly Hallows.

Sirius blew past them again, and went to shut the drapes over Mrs Black, looking rather exasperated and even worried. Harry went over to him.

"Sirius, what's wrong with Lupin?" he asked. "Is this some side effect of..."
"No, Harry. He's never done this before." Sirius shook his head. "Only three hours ago, Moony was himself." He looked up at Hermione who was clutching her face, looking rather upset; at Arthur Weasley who was backing away out of the kitchen from Molly's continued shouts.

"THOUGHT SIRIUS WAS BAD ENOUGH..."

Sirius frowned at this, but continued on.

"Then suddenly some funny woman apparated into the kitchen and put some kind of spell on Moony. She giggled and put up a hand in triumph, then disapparated." Sirius suddenly looked like he was blushing. "Hardly clad, she was. Just a..."

"Sirius? I don't understand." Harry said in confusion.

"You'll see." Sirius turned and accidently walked right into Arthur. "Sorry, Arthur."

George, Fred, Ron, Hermione, Harry and Sirius all entered the kitchen cautiously, only to see Molly Weasley looking furious and Remus practically drowning in firewhiskey and weeping like there was not a tomorrow after all. Molly looked up to see the crowd entering the kitchen, and tried to hasten them back out.

"Nothing to worry about, dears...nothing to worry about..." she said distractedly.

However, Hermione had sat down opposite Remus, looking appalled at his state.

"Lupin?" she started, but he didn't seem to acknowledge her. "It's Hermione."
But he continued weeping, much to the confusion of Harry, Ron and the Twins. Sirius sat down beside Hermione, also looking worried.
"Moony, what's got into you?"

"shushting" he replied nonsensically. "agsht" he grinned in a not-too-nice way, much like...Greyback? Even his eyes seemed to glow amber.
"He's under Imperius!" Hermione cried, aghast.
"No he's not, Hermione." Sirius responded. "Someone knock him out for me."
"Sirius!" Even Harry was shocked, but could sort of see what he meant.
As it were, knocking out wasn't to happen, as Remus did that himself: he finally blacked out and fell heavily to the floor.

Hours later, Remus finally came to, though with a head that felt like it had been whacked by something very large. In that time, he had somehow grown three-day-stubble as well. It was now very late at night, and the Weasleys had gone to bed, leaving only Sirius and the Trio alone.

"Why am I here?" Remus asked. "It seems I have been hit over the head."
"You drank thirty firewhiskeys-"
"Seriously, Padfoot! This is no joke!"
"Yes, and very angsty indeed."
"Was this after that woman had apparated into the kitchen, Sirius?"
"Yes, Remus. Apparently she must have put some curse over you."
"No kidding." muttered Ron.
"What was I doing?" Remus asked in a tone suggesting that he felt he won't like what he was going to hear.
"You were drinking firewhiskey after firewhiskey, moaning on about how pitiful your life is, how why it was you that should've been bitten, weeping enough for three Moaning Myrtles; you even contemplated suicide at one point to escape your 'terrible life' and..." Sirius hesitated.
"Carry on, Padfoot." Remus said bracingly-even though he looked pale and sickened-, but Sirius was silent, leaving it up to the trio to carry on.
"and...attheendyouwereevil!" Ron said in a rush.
"Didn't catch that, Weasley." Remus responded.
"Well, Lupin, you did not look very friendly by the end." Hermione said in a calm tone. "You, in fact you...looked almost...evil."

Suddenly there was a crack: the same girl who had cursed Remus before had reappeared. Sirius stood up, placing himself between his best friend and this strange girl.
"Get away from Moony." he said in an ever-so-calm tone. "Or I will hex you."
"Oh no you won't." she said cheerfully, attempting to skirt Sirius, who wasn't a Marauder for nothing.
"Levicorpous!" he shouted and the girl squealed as she found herself hanging in mid-air.
"Let me down!" she said in indignation, glaring at the applauding Trio.
"Explain yourself." Sirius said, folding his arms, apparently intending to let her stay there until she explained.
"Well...it's just that...well...I like Remus as the ultimate alcoholic...and...he's angsty because of his life...and he's a werewolf...and wouldn't that make him suicidal?"
"No it wouldn't." Remus said, in an angry sort of calm that usually made one listen.
"Oh never mind," the girl chirruped as though she'd never heard his note of anger. "I'll do it once more, because I-"
Whatever she was to say next was muffled as Sirius suddenly performed a sort of complicated hex that made her tongue stick to the roof of her mouth. It was then that Sirius let her fall to the floor. She immediately scurried off, and never returned to canon again, lest she met Sirius Black who would, naturally, do anything to protect his friend's canon-ness...

We go back again to the Marauders-but we time travel like nobody's business. ;)

Chapter Seven: The Mary-Sue Who Tried To Save the Marauders
Christina Salovov-Levockov was from Russia, and had a perfectly heart shaped face with rosy cheeks, glittery silver and blue hair, skin paler than a vanilla icecream and was seven feet tall. She also loved the Marauders, who had all fallen in love with her at some point or another-even James. But she had an extraordinary ability to be able to charm the brain and heart of even the most demanding-or non-existence-of court trials.

First, she read the PoA and GoF books for background information, and was shocked to find that in the future her beloved Peter Pettigrew had betrayed the Marauders; Sirius had been thrown into Azkaban for a murder he never did; Remus was shunned by society and James was killed by Voldemort. She screamed and wailed so prettily and so operatically that even people living on Mars heard her, and were moved. She was that loud. Funnily enough, no one actually was deafened by this scream fit to make a Banshee die of jealousy and envy. So she stole the time turner off Hermione: ‘accio Time Turner!’ one night, and kept turning, turning, turning the hours backwards…

Turning, turning, turning through the years,
Minute, hours, hours into years…

If I could turn back the hours,
And undo what’s been done,
If I could turn back the hours,
And have another chance,
I would do it now!

Finally, she was back in the Marauder Era, just before Peter would betray the Potters. She was far back enough so she didn’t need to worry about meeting herself, but far enough so that her 21st-century brand cellphone (despite already being anachronistic in 1993) was definitely anachronistic! Not only that, but also her ipod (2001), mp3 player (1997) and digital camera (circa 1988-just anachronistic then) which she had stuffed into a Mary Poppins-like bag. To her surprise and befuddlement she would find that the cellphone would not work at all in the 1970s, and there would be hardly a way to develop the digital photos on her digital camera either. Also the lack of an internet (1990s) meant that her iPod would find no connection worth of a cent in the Marauders’ era.

First, she tried to find Peter Pettigrew, who would be betraying the Potters any minute now. Any minute! She saw James Potter, who looked exactly like Harry Potter (who had also, can you believe it, fell in love with her), and was currently talking to Sirius Black, who looked like Apollo. Handsome, high cheekbones, golden curly hair, blue eyes and un-canon. Who knows, maybe he dyed it black in Azkaban…
Which is not where he would go if Christina could help it.

“I think perhaps Peter should be the Keeper; Voldemort will not go after him, but he will go after me, if he knew I was the keeper.” Sirius was saying now.
This was when Christina stepped up.
“Hem hem.” She said in a more gentle version of Umbridge. “I think not.”
“And who are you?” James snapped. “We were having a private conversation here!”
“I know Peter will hand the Potters over to Voldemort if you do that. I can see the future.”
Sirius turned his snort of disbelief into a cough.
“Are you the sister of Professor Trelawnry?” James asked sarcastically. “Go away, whoever you are!”
But Christina batted her eyes at James and said in her most flirty Russian accent, “Believe me.”
“Batting eyelashes went out of fashion in the Muggles’ Second World War.” Sirius commented. “Seeing as that was about more than twenty years ago, it’s very out of date.”
The two men hurried away from Christina, who followed, now deftly accioing a nearby puppy who yelped and squealed for his mum. She called after James and Sirius who turned around again, now looking more fed up, only to see Christina looking at them with sad puppy eyes. However, the puppy itself’s eyes were looking a bit grumpy and none too attractive.
“Look Sirius, she’s got your baby!” James remarked.
“Oh shut it, Prongs.” Sirius retorted, and with that, they both disapparated in a last-ditch attempt to shake her off their tails. Just then, a mousy-haired woman stepped up to Christina looking furious.
“That’s my friend Molly’s puppy!” she snapped at Christina, and grabbed the squealing pup away from the Mary-Sue and flounced away back to Molly Weasley’s home.

The sun climbed down and the moon got up on East horizon’s ladder. Christina was at Peter’s door, waiting for him to exit, and waiting…and waiting…but she was too late. Christina screamed as she realized that the Potters were now in grave danger, and she went to Godric’s Hollow to find their house. Of course, thanks to the Fidelus charm, she could not find it. Not the real one anyway. But she did find what she thought was their house, but ended up being called out by the cops who were called for trespassing on property, messing up the garden and slamming on their door so hard that one of the hinges popped off. But she managed to dazzle the Police with her hypnotic eyes that swirled and curled in circles (Mad-Eye’s eye had nothing on it), and she left them standing there dazed and confused. But no matter how hard she tried, the Potters’ home remained unseen until…

BANG.

The whole street seemed to rock with the impact, and with her extra-ordinary night vision (enough night vision to make an owl jealous), she saw with sadness-not with horror or shock-that twelve muggles now lay dead. A flying motorcycle now flew overhead, with a giant and baby as its passengers. She tore her hair and beat her breast melodramatically bewailing the fact that she failed to save her beloved James and Peter who both did not know her at all. Besides James already had a wife, and he wasn’t about to betray Lily Evans either. Sirius…well, Sirius was Sirius. ;) Speaking of Sirius…

Christina now spotted Sirius who was haring towards the now exposed (and demolished) house of Lily and James. He bent down over one of the dead bodies-James’-and then ran to Lily, a desperate gaze in his eyes. Christina went up to him, and tried to put her arms around the young man (after all, as she learnt in Mary Sues’ Book of Uncanon, the Marauders were supposed to fall in love with her at one touch). But Sirius threw off her arms, looking maddened.
“I don’t even know you, whoever you are!” Sirius’ eyes were now both angry and grieved. Christina saw tear tracks now drying on his cheeks and she made to wipe them away lovingly. Sirius, however, ran out and saw what was outside, and knew, as in canon, who had done it.
“Peter’s the murderer!” Christina screamed, making some of the Muggles scream in fright.
Sirius, whose hair was now darkening as Christina’s Mary-Sue powers weakened, started laughing, but a laugh of someone who is grieving, who is angry and so tied up inside he didn’t know what else to do but laugh. She made to go up and embrace him, but Sirius fangirls suddenly apparated in front of her, looking grave.
“Don’t. Mess. With. Canon. Sirius.” Their leader started. “He isn’t falling in love with anyone.”
“But he’s going to Azkaban.” She tried to mollify, but they weren’t having it. “I’ll make them let him have a trial. I will, and I’ll hypnotize them into believing he’s innocent.”
“Try then, but don’t mind us if we laugh when your Mary-Sue powers fail.” The Leader remarked, now disapparating again with her group.

It appeared the Sirius groupies had distracted her long enough so that now poor Sirius was going to Azkaban, as in canon. However, Christina was going to be very disappointed if there was to be a trial. But she would try anyway. She went down on her knees to one of the court leaders and begged.
“Please, Remus knows…”
“A werewolf? Go away.”
“He’s not a werewolf!” she sputtered angrily.
“Oh yes he is.” The leader smirked. “And a dangerous one at that. He could be in cohorts with You-Know-Who.” He turned to his companions. “Get her out of here!”
It seemed that canon was well and truly on the road, and Christina had no choice but to accept that JKR had made sure the Sirius fangirls had distracted her long enough so that Sirius would go to Azkaban for the twelve harsh years as canon intended. No amount of prettiness or molly-coddling or pleading on her knees would change it.

So she tried turning through the years again, but fell asleep on her chair doing so, somehow still turning it backwards. She woke up, and found herself at a French guillotine in 1793. Because she knew twenty languages including French, she was able to know what was being said:
“Executed for being an outrageous Mary-Sue.” Someone’s voice reported. “Executioner!”
The last thing she saw was the shared smiles of the canon-nites now disguised as French peasants…


Notes:
1. "Turning, turning, turning..." is from Les Miserables.
2. "If I could turn back the hours..." is part of a song I wrote for a show.

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Chapter Eight: The Peter Pettigrew That Wasn't

Everyone knows the Marauders: James-the man who fathered Harry; Sirius-the best friend, practically brothers, of James; Remus-the gentle werewolf and Peter Pettigrew-the one who betrayed.

One bright morning, the Marauders awoke to find that something funny-peculiar had happened to their group. Everything-and everyone-else was as it should be. Remus was already awake and sorting out what he was going to wear, but he was still half-asleep, and did not notice the change to their dynamic foursome. James, also up bright and early, threw a pillow at Sirius who moaned "five more minutes, James!". Prongs then charmed the pillow to keep beating him over the head until Sirius finally sat up, still grumbling like the afternoon person he was.

"Padfoot, be glad you're alive to see this sunrise!" Remus spoke up. James directed the pillow at Remus, now that Sirius was awake, even if reluctantly.
"Because-hey--get it off me!" Remus managed to pin the squirming pillow to his chest. "Because, seriously: someone isn't."
"What's got into you, Moony?" Sirius inquired. "You're all philosophical all of a sudden."
"Sirius." James pointed to Peter Pettigrew's bed, or where his bed should have been.

The Marauders went to breakfast absolutely dumbfounded. There was no logic to this: somehow Peter Pettigrew had disappeared along with his dorm bed and belongings. Even James knew that his invisibility cloak was definitely too small to completely cover a bed and its belongings, and besides, they would've heard Peter's snoring anyway. The three boys wondered who would notice. Indeed, Lily did notice after all, and took Remus aside at a suitable moment.

"Where's Peter?" Lily asked. "He's usually with you and those two."
"Well, Lily, it is all very strange." Remus mused. "Somehow he and his bunk bed disappeared overnight."
Lily raised both eyebrows, but there was a twinkle of amusement in those green eyes.
"Stop pulling my wand, Remus."
Remus didn't need to be a cousin of Professor Trelawny to predict that even Lily would not believe him.
"Was there a falling out and you're now ignoring him?" she pressed on.
Remus shook his head, knowing this probably would not be worth it.
"I don't think it would be worth trying to explain, Lily." he began, before a sudden high cackle (don't worry, not Voldy-Moldy) sounded from behind him.

He twisted round to find that there was a strange girl there with a biro behind each ear (not that Remus probably knew what a biro was); a refill pad (not that he probably knew what that was either) and a gleeful smile on her face. Somehow, Remus got a feeling she had something to do with the whole Pettigrew business.
"Can I help you?" Lily offered, thinking she was new.
"No thank you, darling." the stranger said in a French accent. "I just want to see the Marauders. Alone." she added suggestively.
"Well, I can't help you there, sorry!" Lily responded cheerfully, and the girl looked at her darkly and wrote something on her pad. Lily carried on down the hall, nearly running straight into Sirius and James.

"Evans!" James said predictably and happily.
"I have a first name, James, you know." Lily responded. "It's Lily."
"SQUEEEE!!!" came a high squeal from the strange girl, and everyone within earshot put their hands over their ears. "SIRIIUUUSS!"

Sirius decided to back away and go else where. However, before he could, the girl stopped him from going anywhere.
"You are mine.." she drooled, but did not seem to notice.
"What have you done to Peter?" James demanded suddenly.
"Oh, nothing really." the writer responded in a tone suggesting the opposite.
"I think you know." James turned to Sirius. "Right, Padfoot?"
"Well he's going to betray-"
Sirius suddenly gave a loud 'ha!' of disbelief.
"Betray us? We trust him with our lives, Miss!" he countered.
"...Lily and James-"
"Levi-"
"Protego." she shielded herself from James' hexes. "Let me finish."
"What's all this betraying business?" Sirius demanded angrily.
"So James and Lily will die at twenty-one because of Peter's betrayal."
"Delusional, this one!" James muttered angrily at Sirius. "I don't believe any of us would betray each other."
"And you all think Remus a spy."
"What?!" Remus yelped.
"How dare-" James began.
"You filthy-" Sirius started.
"Leave them alone!" Lily cried unexpectedly.
"So I decided to remove him from your group." the girl finished, looking satisfied with herself.
"You'll be thanking me on bended knee, especially you, Sirius. Be thankful you won't be in Azkaban for a good twelve years."
"I don't see how spending even a minute-never mind twelve years-in that prison could be "good"" Sirius commented.
"And you won't be killed by a Veil if I can help it either."
"Guess you should take down the curtains by your bed, Padfoot-could be dangerous for your health." James teased his best friend.

Suddenly, another strange girl appeared, a girl who did not look happy at all. She went right up to the writer and stood in front of her, hands on hips.
"Just because Peter betrayed the Marauders does not mean he is somehow invisible in the Marauder era." she lectured. "They must have trusted him then, or else they wouldn't have let him be a part of their group. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to report you to a delightful woman by the name of Joanne Kathleen Rowling."
The writer suddenly looked terrified and got down, begging on her knees.
"Please, don't-just, forgive me!"
But the second girl had taken the writer by the arm and apparated her out of Hogwarts, leaving behind the world that had three, not four, Marauders. Whatever JKR did to the writer who tried to erase Pettigrew remains unknown to this day.

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Again! Set in the PoA era once more...

Chapter Nine: Harry Potter and Ron Weasley's Discovery Of Remus Lupin's Bottomless Supply of Chocolate

Ron yawned, not putting a hand over his open mouth to the annoyance and disgust of Hermione.
"How many times do I need to tell you to cover your mouth when yawning?" she demanded, pushing back her hair.
"Until you tell us how you're managing to get to all your classes, Hermione." Ron answered. "But you'll probably just keep us in the cold even then."
Hermione snapped her book shut and dumped the ten plus books in her bag, which looked on the edge of bursting, and strode off to the girls' dorm.

Choosing to ignore them, Harry crawled through the portrait hole back outside in the hall. He was nearly running late for his Dementor lesson, and wasting no time, strode off to Lupin's office. He was nearly knocked over by a young boy who was muttering some kind of spell over Lupin's office's door.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked curiously.
The boy jumped, and looked at Harry guiltily.
"Nothing." he squeaked and fairly ran for it. Harry decided to open the door and was rendered dumbfounded by the sight that met his eyes.
"Um...Professor?" he said timidly.

For Lupin's office was practically bathed in chocolate! There were huge murals of different chocolates, Muggle and Wizarding; what looked like brown paint seemed to trickle endlessly from the roof; two house elves were sitting patiently beside a big pile of multiple copies of that Chocolate Factory book by Roald Dahl and many chocolate bars-which Harry recognized as Mars Bars-were stashed in a huge pile behind Lupin's desk. In fact, the House Elves regularly referred to it as Mars Bair, after having read of the World War One battle on Chunuk Bair (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chunuk_Bair) in a student's book on Muggle Studies. Remus Lupin himself was currently eating a Bounty bar, tearing through it like a wolf would a chunk of meat. He had the following also on his desk:

2 Hershey bars
1 Snickers bar
4 Time Out bars
...which added up to a grand total of seven, the magic number.

"Professor Lupin!" Harry said, this time more loudly.
Lupin flinched at the sound, and looked over at Harry standing aghast in the doorway.
"Is...er...everything alright, Professor?" Harry asked with concern. "What's going on?"
"Oh nothing. I really love chocolate. Here have some, it helps. It really helps."
Harry declined.
"Come on Harry, you must have some, or I will give you detention."
Harry blinked-this didn't sound like Lupin! Not wanting to having to explain why points were deducted because he refused to eat a Professor's chocolate (he'd never live it down! :no: ), Harry decided to take a bar.
"Excellent Harry. Just so you know, chocolate is the best food you could have." A small trickle of drool ran down Lupin's chin. He quickly wiped it away, not seeming to notice Harry's aghast look.
"But last time I was in here..."
"Oh never mind last time! That was ages ago, when I didn't want to distract the students with a chocolate boggart." Lupin winked at Harry. "Yes, chocolate rocks man."

Harry was now suspicious-and if he'd known of the Imperius curse, he'd even say that Lupin must have been under the Imperius Curse.

"Now, I'll show you something more impressive." Lupin checked quickly outside the window. "Full moon's coming up soon."
Harry wondered what the full moon had to do with anything unless...unless Lupin was a werewolf? No, he was being silly-Lupin can't be a werewolf! He simply couldn't-he was just too, well, kind. As it were, of course, Lupin changed into a werewolf soon as the full moon broke free of the horizon. Now, this was not any werewolf-this was a...chocolate werewolf! :err: Harry agreed with the emoticon before this sentence. He had moments to wonder whether the werewolf, if it bit him at all, would turn him into a chocolate werewolf, but hurried out quite quickly. Chocolate or not, he did not really wish to be a werewolf.

Back in the common room, Harry gabbled this tale at Ron, who simply guffawed (and drooled-Harry found it disturbing that he'd seen two men drooling tonight :p). Ron sped off to Lupin's office, naturally. Harry rolled his eyes and retold it to Hermione, who had just returned to the common room.

Ron Weasley, meanwhile, sped down the corridor like Blast-ended Skrewts were after him to Lupin's office, where he banged on the door eagerly. What Ron saw after opening the door was...the chocolate werewolf growling at him. He backed away, not wanting to be bitten. Suddenly the werewolf leapt at him, and poor Ron's life flashed before his eyes. The wolf's chocolate teeth bit down on his arm, worrying it like a domestic dog would a bone. The world seemed to spin for a few seconds, and everything went black.

What seemed like hours later, Ron Weasley woke up in Lupin's office, but how it had changed! The werewolf had gone, the chocolate was gone, the house-elves were gone and Lupin was shaking him awake, looking pale.
"What...happened?" Ron said groggily.
"It, well, was a strange fanfic, one where the only food I ate was chocolate. Never mind, it's all over now."
"I was bitten..."
"You won't be a werewolf. That was a harmless, chocolate werewolf. But now we will have to get us all back in canon, as you aren't supposed to know of my condition until the Shrieking Shack chapters."

With some kind of complex incantation, Remus flicked the wand in some complex pattern that would make a conductor proud, and restored canon at last.

After months and months of silence, the author awoke, and spoke once more... :rockon:

Anyway, this next chapter is based off a dream I had that I found rather amusing upon waking up. However, this dream had happened on the night of 25 April, so it's about time I wrote it! :err:
Chapter Ten: Snapekins!

If anything could shock Harry more than Sirius' apparent break-in into the dormitory, it was what he saw in Potions class today. Normally, Snape would be at the front of the classroom, burning holes through the Gryffindors with his black eyes, gleefully taking points off the same house at least once every ten minutes.
Hermione, Ron and Harry, therefore, were flummoxed when they came to the entrance of the potions classroom, only to find Seamus and Dean standing there, looking confused, apparently reading something on the door frame.
"What's the matter, Seamus?" asked Ron. "Dean?"
Seamus snatched the note off from the door and read out aloud to the gathering Gryffindors and sneering Slytherins.
"My dear...what--that's what it says!" Seamus exclaimed when Ron chortled uncontrollably at the un-Snape-like 'my dear students'. It seemed more like a Trelawny thing to do, and most certainly not Snape!
"Shut up you lot, let me read it!" Seamus called out to the gathering students. "'You will gather at the Astronomy Tower today. Points will be taken off for those who arrive late.'"
"Blimey, that's on the other end of the bloody castle!" exclaimed Ron. "Trust Snape to not tell us, just so he can take a hundred points off Gryffindor!"
They rushed up to the Astronomy Tower, for they could not apparate, and arrived there, out of breath, to find Snape actually smiling at them, flashing his ugly, yellowing teeth at the students. It was rather a scary sight.
"Good afternoon, students. How are you, Neville?" he said in a...pleasant tone.
Neville didn't answer: the very pleasantness and politeness of Snape's words, quite plainly directed at him, left him in a state quite near that of shellshock, having been used to being bullied about by the teacher.
"Blimey, she's one sexy woman!" gushed Draco suddenly, making Ron snort with laughter at his lustful tones.
For, Marietta-Eloise-Sue (the cousin of Mary-Sue) had just stepped out from behind a shelf, and fluttered her eyelids at the class, her hands resting on her very curvaceous hips.
"Isn't it a beautiful day, darlings?" she chirped at the students, who were a mass of open mouths, gaping at her beauty. Yes, even the girls were taken by her loveliness. "And so perfect to spend it with my honey-buns, Snapekins."
Ron and Harry lost it, and started laughing (silently) so hard they wouldn't have been able to talk, had they tried. Harry recalled one of Petunia's favourite nicknames for Dudley: Duddy-kins, or Dudley-kins, or even Diddlykins.
"My darling studentkins, I am overly delighted to meet you. I am Severuskins's new girlfriend. Oh yes, he has forgotten about that Lilykins alright."
Snape threw an arm around Marietta-Eloise-Sue's very, very thin waist, that would make you think she had worn one of those corsets all her life, but she never had worn one at all. She was born naturally with such a pinched waist that it would make a corseted 1800s middle-class woman envious of her good fortune.
"I have persuaded Snapekins to treat you all wisely, whether you are Gryffindor or Slytherin." she blew a kiss to the students, giggling like a little girl with her best friend.
"That's right, my lovely students." Snape confirmed, the smile still on his face. "I am going to be very kindly from now on, thanks to this lovely lady."
"That means no points taken off Gryffindor!" Ron cheered, his hopes getting the better of him.
"Maybe." Harry muttered. Hermione just remained silent, actually humming to herself (it wasn't good humming either).
The class resumed their potion making, and, predictably, Neville put in a wrong ingredient, to his dismay. He was sure that Snape would take off about 100 points from him now he'd ruined Marietta-Eloise-Sue's Love Potion Utopia, guaranteed to fill your nights with pleasure!
However, when Marietta and Snape came by his cauldron, she simply smiled down at him, saying, "I love a kid who is so cute when he stuffs up every potion."
"Ah well, he's always been my favourite." said Snape, actually ruffling Neville's hair.
"You'll have to wash your hair, now he's got his greasy hands all over you." Ron commented to Neville.
"Ten points to Gryffindor for a fantastic, new conoction in potions." he said to Neville, who blushed into his cauldron, now fumbling with the ladle that he was using to ladle some nasty-looking liquid into the mixture.
"Don't worry, dear, I can help, Nevkins." Marietta said in a simpering tone of voice to Neville, ignoring Draco's jeering laugh.
"Oh go away!" Hermione suddenly snapped at Marietta.
"Oooh, you're one nasty little girl aren't you?" Marietta commented in the same simpering voice.
Everyone continued with their potions, some Gryffindors even lounging around without a million points being taken off their houses. It was as if Snape had magically transformed into a second Lupin, teaching methods wise. Marietta took it upon herself to snuggle up to and flirt outrageously with Snape, who was flirting right back.
"How could I have ever loved Potter's mother?" he murmured into her hair. "That Potter boy's mother never deserved me."
"And quite right she didn't." Harry said loudly, overhearing, adding under his breath, "Greasy git."
"And Granger isn't so bad, even being muggleborn. Thank you for teaching me all this, hun."
There was a loud retching noise from Ron, and Hermione looked up, her eyebrows raised so high that they nearly disappeared into her hairline. As they watched, whether over their potions or lounging around the tower, Snape actually started kissing Marietta right in front of the students. Her long hair, in tight ringlets, cascaded down her back, and, despite being a red-head, was heavily tanned. She never burned in the sun, but had an instant tan in about two minutes, forty-one seconds. After some time, Marietta decided to go back to Neville, followed loyally by Snape, and taste the new conoction.
Well, what even Neville didn't realize, was that he had in fact made a Canon potion, which instantly reversed everything that was so over-the-top Mary-Sueish and ludricous back into canon. After drinking a sample of Neville's potion, she immediately clutched her hands gracefully to her throat, and starting coughing and gasping with grace. Snape, too, had sampled it, and now he turned to Neville again, his eyes cold once more, and the smile gone from his lips. But then he turned to Marietta, and said coldly,
"Out of my...what, this is the Astronomy Tower! Out of my sight, whoever you are, clad only in a bikini!"
"But...but..." she managed to splutter.
"Out. You are nicht canon."
Slowly, thanks to Neville's potion, the Astronomy Tower slowly dissolved as they went back into canon-ness. After watching, with satisfication, Marietta slowly dissolving away, he turned to observe Neville's potion, that should have been acid green, but was--

'Orange, Longbottom,' said Snape, ladling some up and allowing it to splash back into the cauldron so that everyone could see. 'Tell me boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours?'

They were well and truly back in canon, but even Neville would have preferred this Snape to the simpering, flirtatious one that they were subject to only an hour before.

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Chapter Eleven: Professor Rebridge and the Decree of Un-Canon Names

P.S. "Rebridge" is not a typo of "Umbridge". I mean "Rebridge" as in to "re-bridge canon"... :err: Ah, never mind... :err:

Professor Rebridge had decided to fix up the canon world by issuing decrees foreboding the use of fanfic plots, OOC behaviours and other things that were really out there, even for JKR. Her first day at the school rendered her white with shock, and trembling under the covers from the horrors of the Destroying of Hogwartic Canon by Muggles Who didn't Know Better.

She was careful to not be overly obvious about taking her notes when she heard a very unlikely nickname for any of the characters, including anything that ended in 'kins' or 'woofy-limmy-kins' or even lengthened versions of the canon names that simply wouldn't work. To her consternation, she even overheard 'Thomas Riddle' once. And it wasn't because someone was asking Dean Thomas for a riddle.

Professor Rebridge was able to obtain some Extendable Ears to the delight of Fred and George Weasley, and had to quickly blink away her tears when she saw poor Fred, who was doomed to die at the too young age of twenty. :sad:

She was the new professor of Muggle Studies, as the previous one had to step down for the year as she had been somehow obliviated and confounded by Fanfic Writers who couldn't tell Ron from Ginny, and they weren't exactly twins! Now, she had to end up in St. Mungos for the year, in the Ward for Magical Maladies and Injuries for the year, after she was found wandering around confused and out of it somewhere in California, USA.

From her seat at the table, Professor Susan Rebridge observed the frightened First Years entering the doors, with Professor McGonagall at the head of the gaggle of new students. She scanned the tables, trying to find a glimpse of anyone she could recognize, but either she was too far away, or she had never met any of the students (even Harry himself) yet. Even from here, she didn't, at first, recognize Harry Potter.

But she could definitely tell who Dumbledore was, as he was unmistakeable with his long, white hair and beard (without any bells tied to it thankfully ;)), and his half-moon spectacles.
"Welcome, welcome to another year at Hogwarts!" he greeted the Great Hall at large. "Before we begin the feast, let the Sorting begin."
"Thank you, Dumblykins." said Professor McGonagall most unexpectedly, causing Susan to inhale her drink the wrong way, so that she spluttered and coughed, clutching at her throat.
"Yeh right, Professor?" asked Hagrid.
Susan waved a hand to show she was just fine. But she couldn't believe it: Professor McGonagall had just called Dumbledore "Dumblykins"! Her expression did not look too far from this emoticon's own: :err:. She tried to ignore it, but found it bugging her all night afterwards, especially when Dumbledore said "Minnie" right back.

She observed that a frizzy-haired girl at the Gryffindor table, who, by her badge pinned to her uniform, was evidently a prefect, was looking at the Headmaster with shock. The two boys next to her, one with hair that looked as if it was unbrushed, and the other with bright red hair, were evidently laughing uncontrollably, even though their laughs were silent. However, one of a pair of twins at the same table gave a loud "HA! Minnie!"
"I reckon we ought to call her Professor Minnie from now on." remarked his twin, still laughing at this unexpected uncanonness.
"Not unless you want points taken off Gryffindor." said the frizzy-haired prefect sharply, but they ignored her.

The Sorting finally over, the Feast was resumed, with all the food appearing on their plates in their usual glory. As she ate, Susan mulled over what she had read about canon: Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter were the main people; and the Weasleys were a huge family, with big hearts (except, perhaps, for Percy, especially since this is OotP era).
"You will love Hogwarts, honey-bun." said Professor Sprout to Susan in a suspiciously American accent. "You will be a fine teacher, honey."
"Darling, this is a most wonderful feast, once more, Dumblykins." the normally stern, uncrooning Professor McGonagall crooned at the Headmaster.
"Thank you very much, Minnie." answered Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling fondly at Minerva.
If she thought she'd heard the worst, well, blimey, she could not get further from the truth! Things were about to get worse. Much, much worse.

The next morning, she happened upon the well-known Trio, who were evidently on a break between classes, and heard them arguing among themselves.
"Honestly, Harold, Snuffkins is right! You need to tell Professor Dumbledore!" the frizzy-haired girl was saying now.
"Look, Hermy, it's not as if he's been noticing me ALL SUMMER!" the bespectacled boy countered at Hermione.
"'Mione, Henry, teacher's coming." Ron warned.
"Thanks, Ronald." Hermione said, as she turned around to face Professor Rebridge, who was standing there, stunned.
"Yes, Professor?" Hermione greeted her.
"I apologize, I was heading to my classroom." she said in turn, now looking at Harry, who tensed, as if he knew what was coming next. Before she could say anything, he interrupted her.
"Yes, I know, I'm Harold James Potter." he said hastily, making Susan frown in consternation.
"You are Harry Potter, am I correct?"
"Yes, but my real name is apparently Harold Potter. Or Henry; mum and dad could not make their minds up."
"Oh...I see." commented Susan, even though she was all the more confused, as she turned her attention now to the other two.
"I'm Ronald Weasley." He introduced himself.
"And I'm Hermione Granger. Better known as 'Mione or Hermy."
"Ah, right." Professor Rebridge nodded. "Head off to your classes then, you three, or you will all be late."

They nodded and hastened away, still baffled as to why Sirius was being called Sirikins. A prisoner with 'kins' as his last syllable of his name? What was next? Neville calling Bellatrix 'Bellakins'?! :eeep: Or Bellatrix calling Voldemort "Voldykins"? She shivered to think on it. As it so happened, she managed to overhear the Trio talking to a plump-ish, round-faced boy, whom they referred to as "Nevvy", "Nevvypoo" or "Nevkins". But his face was recognizable, as his face was a striking likeness of his parents'. Even with the new nicknames, she correctly assumed him as the son of Alice and Frank Longbottom. Susan herself was ready to faint after hearing all these very uncanon names. She felt sure that she wouldn't last much longer, and perhaps they might have to end up dragging the old Muggle Studies teacher out of St Mungos soon after all.

Her appetite was lost, but just as it came back, the food all disappeared, reminding her of the Muggle philosophy of 'Murphy's Law'. She decided that a new Decree was in order, Umbridge's decrees be damned! But how was she to do it when everyone had these new names, and no one really behaved as to calling each other by their proper names, and not ones they were bestowing on each other as they were at the moment?

Feedback here please! (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=115895)

To be continued...

So...after so many years, the author finally returned, now having seen all the movies and read the books.

Looking back on her previous chapters, she cringed at some of the more horrible areas of writing...but on the upside, she comforted herself, that meant she saw where she could improve (or had done so).

Thinking of more recent Mary Sue pet peeves, she set to work.

But before she set to work, she gently wanted to remind readers, new and old, that this is parody, not for real.

And yes, she could have used any other death, but do you see anyone restoring Mad-Eye Moody with one tender kiss? Yep, didn't think so (not handsome enough! ;)) I could've used Sirius (but he's beyond the Veil), or Remus Lupin (but he already has a wife, and I can't see one accepting the other to remain dead), and let's just leave Hedwig alone! Don't even go there! :scared::eeep:


Chapter Twelve: How Mary Sue Resuscitated Her (Dead) Lover with One Kiss* (And George gets his ear back)
*And I don't mean the Muggle "Kiss of Life"!

Marisa Lavender Charlotte Sara Kahn (she was the descendant of Genghis Kahn) was so beautiful with her flowing raven-coloured locks and hypnotic, brilliant blue orbs that even Voldemort dared not to AK her. Every death eater fought to keep her alive. Her pearly skin was so white and luminiscent that she could guide the way through darkness without even the use of a lamp. What was most unusual was her height: seven feet tall, and skinny as a lamp-post. She was a metamorphmagus, an animagus, a Veela, and a particularly gorgeous Siren all in one.

Around her raged the battle of Hogwarts, curses criss-crossing like haphazard skiers in a cross-country course, Marisa managing to dodge every last one of them. While there had been a lull in the battle, she had managed to restore George Weasley's ear, so powerful was her talent at being able to restore any body part, even if it had been cursed off by dark magic. George was so thankful he gave her a big hug and kiss, even in the middle of five death eaters about to send curses aimed straight at him.
Determined that George (her ex-boyfriend, but were both still going out for some reason, even though she was going out with Fred...even though Angelina was also going out with Fred...) be not killed, she cursed them all to unconsciousness with one look.
"How did you do that?!" George exclaimed.
"Power of love." Marisa fluttered. "Just one look of rage from my eyes and no one dares touch me or those I love. Where's Fred?"
"Excuse me? I'm Fred. Can't you tell I'm Fred?"
Marisa arched a perfectly-arched eyebrow at the twin. "You can't fool me, Your Holeyness."
"Not so 'holey' now you've restored my ear." George quipped.
"Excuse me while I go find Freddie-kins."
George gave a snort of laughter. Somehow, he couldn't see Fred keeping a straight face while being addressed to as Freddie-kins or Fred-luv-kins, or whatever other 'term of endearment' Marisa came up with.
"What's so funny, Mr. Saint-like?" Marisa crooned.
"Nothing, nothing," George said.
"Stay alive for me, won't you, while I go find my love?"
"I promise." George said in an almost ironic tone. "Not sure if the death eaters will think the same way."

No sooner had she turned away and walked a few steps from George then she burst into tears, dropping to her knees. Everyone stopped open-mouthed to hear her crying, moved immensely by her preliminary grief. Even Voldy-mouldy paused wherever he was to bow his head in compassion for Marisa, the descendant of Genghis Kahn.

As she stood up, wiping her streaming eyes, the spell her mood had cast over everyone, death eater and "good guys" alike, evaporated like a mist into the mountains.
"Fred! Fred, where are you, my love!" she cried, stumbling over a pile of rubble, managing to scrape her lip in a way that made her look even more gorgeous. "Wherefore art thou!"
To her horror, a violent and deafening explosion caved in the side of the castle wall, showering her with falling debri and rocks. Fortunately the rocks somehow knew she was the transfer student from the States and conveniently ignored her, impossibly reversing in mid-air to tumble onto someone else. Only one stone had managed to hit Marisa-etc, giving her a pretty, small bruise on her forehead that did not detract from her appearance.

"No--no--no! Fred! No!" someone was screaming.

Standing up, she was horrified to see two of the Weasley brothers hunched around a body that was lying too still. Percy was shaking his brother, tears coursing down his cheeks, Ron beside him. She took a moment to wail so beautifully that Percy forgot about Fred and looked up to listen to the angelic howl of grief that made chorus angels up in heaven green with envy. Even the saints felt twinges of jealousy.
Fortunately, the Mary Sue had one trick up her sleeve: she had the power to resurect people with one kiss on their lips.
Wiping her streaming tears, she shoved an indignant Ron out of her way and dropped to her knees, touching the side of Fred's face with one very slender hand.
"Why? Why my beautiful, dearest love, why?" she wept. "Why did you do this to me? No true love would do this to me. I thought you loved me...you promised me, you idiot that you would not die, my angel."
Ron made a gagging sound behind Marisa.
"Excuse me?!" Marisa snapped. "My poor young lover lies dead. Now leave me alone, no one loves him more than I do! Not even his family--including George!"
Ron made an angry move toward Marisa, who threw him off with a wave of her wand.
"Leave me alone with my Fred!" she cried. "He may be dead now, but the power of my love will make him alive again!"
Tears coursing down her porcelain face, she bent over and gave Fred the tenderest kiss ever on his lips. The power of her love was such that his heart randomly started beating again, fluttering a little at first, as if wondering what had made it start up once more. His eyes opened slowly, first wandering to his love.
"Thank you, sweetheart." he said, sitting up and looking around. "But aren't I supposed to be dead? Killed by an explosion no less?"
"NO!" Marisa shouted. "No you're not! I revived you with the power of my kiss and how much I love you!"
Meanwhile, Percy and Ron were speechless and stunned.
"If you can do that for Fred, you can do it for anyone!" Ron suggested hopefully.
"Only for my dearest love-kins." Marisa purred, reaching a hand to Fred's hand. But to her surprise, he pulled his hand away, standing up to greet Angelina who had just come in.
"What ever on Earth!" Marisa snapped. "I thought you'd be grateful and be asking me to marry you on bended knee!"
Angelina arched her eyebrows. "Fred told me the other day that saccharine Mary Sues do not attract him in the least. And if you say 'Freddie-kins' one more time--"
Marisa scowled. "I don't care what he thinks! He's going to marry me, he's MINE!"
Angelina rolled her eyes. "Just like every other screaming, teen fan-girl screaming 'I hate JKR for killing Fred!!11!'." she muttered under her breath so no-one heard her. "Let's restore it all to canon."
Percy protested, "Excuse me! I do not want to lose Fred again!"
"And I'm sure George wouldn't want to lose his restored ear." Marisa crooned. "He was much pleased, he was."
"Ear or no ear, canon dictates that Fred dies, unless it's an AU."
Ron's forehead creased. "An astronimical unit?"
"Alternate Universe." Angelina clarifed. "Although, you were right too. Excuse me, while I restore canon, and remove this Mary Sue from our lives. All our memories will be obliviated, but you, Marisa Mary Sue, will no longer exist."
And with one wave of her wand, Angelina Johnson restored canon; even if it meant Fred's death and George was once again 'holey', at least no one had to put up with a Mary Sue intruding into their lives.

Feedback thread here:
http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=115895