Beat the Snark Master

Snape has long been considered a master of snark and sarcasm.

With classic lines like:

"Fascinating though your social life undoubtedly is, Miss Granger, I must ask you not to discuss it in my class. Ten points from Gryffindor."

Or perhaps:

"Oh, very good," interrupted Snape, his lip curling. "Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. 'Ghosts are transparent.'"

Or maybe even:

"Another ten points from Gryffindor. I would expect nothing more sophisticated from you, Ronald Weasley, the boy so solid he cannot Apparate half an inch across a room."

Snape has made sarcasm as dangerous a weapon as his own wand. But can this talent be beaten. Can a new master of snark arise? Are you willing to try?

Test yourself here, give us your snarkiest comment and see if you can beat the master. The gauntlet has been thrown down, are you up for the challenge?

As enjoyable as a snark-fest can be, the contestants would need something to respond to in order to unleash their terrifying snark. It is, after all, almost an art form. Inspiration is needed. ;)

I got this. *cracks knuckles*

Imagine that Dixie, with her horrid Potions grades, just broke Neville's record of cauldron-melting in one day and is now facing the wrath of an unspeakably snarky person.

Oh, here's an idea: The person who is getting snarked at could do a judging of the snarkiest, like in a caption contest. Then the winner makes up a situation, and so on. Eh? :eyebrows:

I don't like the idea of a competition. Maybe we could make this a snarky banter session. I love banter sessions. :love:

Imagine that Dixie, with her horrid Potions grades, just broke Neville's record of cauldron-melting in one day and is now facing the wrath of an unspeakably snarky person.

Miss Dixie, it appears you incompetence has reached fathoms heretofore unknown to civilization. Were you able to grasp simple motor skills instead of spending your infancy drooling and muttering inanities to a coat-rack, you would have perhaps brewed a passable poison. However, the slop you have concocted nine consecutive times is no more fit to go through the bowels of a mad erumpent than those of a human. Not even a mad one like yourself.
Detention with Mr. Filch and fifty points from Gryffindor.

(You're so brave, Dixie, making yourself the topic. :huggles: I wonder what the Professor will say when he gets here.... :scared:)

Miss Dixie, are you blind? Or do you just need to go back to Kindergarten to learn how to read again? Does it not clearly say to add the porcupine quills before you take the cauldron off the fire?! Your inability to read simple, easy directions sickens me. I feel like I'm talking to an inanimate block of wood.

50 points from Gryffindor and a week of detention for your incompetence and stupidity.

:lol: That hurts, y'all! I'm crushed! :D

(You're so brave, Dixie, making yourself the topic. :huggles: I wonder what the Professor will say when he gets here.... :scared:)

*shrugs* It's no biggie. It's something I would do. :D

Miss Dixie, obviously your eyes have shrunken up and popped out of your head. You have added the wrong ingredients (yet again) and have produced a mixture that obviously boiled your eyes out of your head for you to have come up with a potion so off from the one I have assinged to you. The hopeless wonder here even made a potion better than the one made by your clumsy hands. So I hope you enjoy breaking the hopeless wonder's cauldron melting record and I also hope you enjoy your two weeks of detention with Filtch. I also hope you enjoy your fellow house members rude remarks at you while you're passing by because this compleate mess up (along with the others) have cost your team 50 house points. Now leave my sight! I can't stand being in the same room with someone as pethietic at potions as you.

I don't think I did to well, but that'll be up for DixieWitch to decide.

Oh, so are we officially overriding Iggy, or are we bantering here? Personally, Tonks needs to come back and decide...:lol:

That was good! I'm totally emotionally obliterated! :D

I see, miss Dixie, that there is as much cauldron as there is brain present at your desk.

My remark will be succinct, but one must imagine Snape's voice:

"Get out."

If only I was half as capable of penetrating that thick skull of yours as you are of penetrating your cauldron bottom, miss Dixie.

...Then again, pigs would fly and Gryffindors become tolerable before you start wielding your wand like something less reminiscent of a troll club.

:upset: :rotfl:

I see, miss Dixie, that there is as much cauldron as there is brain present at your desk.

I like that one. :lol:

...Then again, pigs would fly and Gryffindors become tolerable before you start wielding your wand like something less reminiscent of a troll club.

I for one have seen more dextrous trolls.

Destroying the cauldron so I cannot smack you in the head with it, miss Dixie... it seems you are very clever, after all. For surely, one has to make a conscious effort to foil the job this badly?

...perhaps. :evil:

If only I was half as capable of penetrating that thick skull of yours as you are of penetrating your cauldron bottom, miss Dixie.

...Then again, pigs would fly and Gryffindors become tolerable before you start wielding your wand like something less reminiscent of a troll club.

I like this one too! :rotfl:

Destroying the cauldron so I cannot smack you in the head with it, miss Dixie... it seems you are very clever, after all. For surely, one has to make a conscious effort to foil the job this badly?

:lol: Nice!

Care to crush my heart and soul, hplova? :D It's free! :lol:

Please mop the cauldron residue and that smirk on your face up, miss Dixie. Neither look very pleasant.

(I'm sorry Dixie! You know I don't really mean it!)

Miss Dixie, it seems that you have not only destroyed your cauldron, but your brains as well. Bravo!

Miss Dixie, it seems that you have not only destroyed your cauldron, but your brains as well. Bravo!

:huh: I was under the impression that in the area of brains, there was nothing to destroy to begin with.

:huh: I was under the impression that in the area of brains, there was nothing to destroy to begin with.
I will edit it.

Miss Dixie, it seems that you have not only destroyed your cauldron, but also the little brains that you have left. Bravo!

Was that better?

Perhaps. ;)

Potion/Brain comparisons are rife with possibilities. :evil:

:rotfl: (I know you don't mean it, flooser! These are great!) I propose a vote: Those who want it to turn competition like the Caption Contest put a :agree:, those who want it to just be meaningless banter put a :no:. At the end of...say...Friday, we'll take a head count and decide. Okie pokies? Sorry, not meaning to take charge or anything. :D

(:agree: :D)

:no:

I love banter. :love:
Competition...not so much. :lol:

What do I get if I win, Dixie? You out of my classroom?

What do I get if I win, Dixie? You out of my classroom?

Another reason I'm against competition: flooser will beat us all. :rotfl:

:lol: Unfortunately, Professor Flooser, the term has just begun. :evil: :rotfl:

But, realistically, if it does turn out to be a competition (and we steamroller over Iggy [sorry!!]), there's no garuntee that flooser would win (although at this point, s/he has a good chance). It depends on the judge.

Although, I feel bad for sniping at Dixie so much -- can't we change it to some imaginary, generic name? Saying Dixie over and over again, you see, reminds me painfully of all the students I have... failed to reach.

:lol: It's only until we decide if it's a formal competition or a banter. If you want, you can rail on the people who are against your opinion. :evil:

:lol: Unfortunately, Professor Flooser, the term has just begun. :evil: :rotfl:

As evidenced by the fact most of the classroom and your classmates are still intact. We'll see how much you can get accomplished within the next few classes, shall we?

Indeed. It's on. *steeples fingers*

I vote for competition. I'm a fair player, but very hard on the insults. :lol: :err:

''Your head is emptier than a pumpkin pasty at hallowe'en.''
meaning all the pumpkins are filled with lights and used for other things.

I got the jist?

Somewhat, although I'm sure a pumpkin pasty is a sort of cake or sweet, and not an actual pumpkin.

To make things easier, think of all the stuff Snape says to Harry. A good 99.9999% of that counts as snark. :lol:

Sure 'nuff. :lol: Come on! Show me what you got! I'm ready! *cowers under snark fest*

Being a witch is half of the prerequisite for being in my classroom, miss Dixie. The other half is being literate.

By all means, instead of writing the instructions up on the board, I could have Potter pantomime them for you? It would make about as much sense as any other way you've found to interpret my instructions so far.

I said stir, not savage. I will not allow you to blight my potions the same way you do the reputation of wizardkind, miss Dixie.

*panicks* But I can't see the instructions through all of the smoke, Professor!! :upset:

Perhaps lighting your cauldron fire rather than Longbottom's robes would help? (Longbottom, stop whimpering).

*panicks* But I can't see the instructions through all of the smoke, Professor!! :upset:

If you were able to walk around a room without someone holding your hand at every step, I'd tell you to move to the other side of your cauldron, dunderhead! Unfortunately, all you seem capable of is gawking at whatever happens to be right in front of you.

But...but it's so...so SHINY! :lol:

Oh, my poow wittle heawt...*clutches chest*

Leave it to miss Dixie to be easily amused by shiny objects. Would you care to know what shiny objects amuse me, miss Dixie? Student-polished vials. Make it Saturday morning, miss Dixie, and we shall see how nicely you can make my supplies sparkle.

Oh, my poow wittle heawt...*clutches chest*

Are you experiencing cardiac arrest, Miss Dixie?
No?
Then it's hardly my concern.

Yes, sniffing congealed potions is more your concern. Don't mind me, go on with your enjoyment of rancid liquids.

(What? Who says that the student can't get a little sassy? :lol:)

I would think that the one who creates these abominations enjoys them a lot more than I do.

So you admit you enjoy them.

I knew it.

So you admit you enjoy them.

I knew it.

I didn't think you knew anything. Goodness, Miss Dixie, you seem to be surprising us with more than an exploding cauldron today.

Care to crush my heart and soul, hplova? :D It's free! :lol:

I'm so sorry! You know I don't mean it. :D

It's totally cool! Even I'm getting in on it now! :D

I didn't think you knew anything. Goodness, Miss Dixie, you seem to be surprising us with more than an exploding cauldron today.

Uh...yeah, about that....I wouldn't wear your nightrobes for a while...POTTER DID IT! *points* *runs*

Uh...yeah, about that....I wouldn't wear your nightrobes for a while...POTTER DID IT! *points* *runs*

MISS DIXIE! GET BACK HERE!

Fine... Fifty points from Gryffindor! You useless pile of dung. Gryffindors... *psh* They're all the same. Lazy. Arrogant. Worthless. Not a group of the brightest stars in the sky...

Oh yeah, and Potter does everything wrong. Wait, he does. Miss Dixie got something right. We may be in an alternate universe.

Night robes? I don't wear night robes. No one's worn night robes since the latest fashion brink. Who do you think I am, Dumbledore?

(So the last part... not so Snape-ish. But I thought it was funny. :lol:)

:lol: It would be worth getting in trouble to hear that little monologue. :D

No one's worn night robes since the latest fashion brink.


No one's worn night robes since you started wearing them.

( :lol:)

I would guess that you are blind Dixie, from the way you have been following the instructions on the board, but then you could also be deaf, as I read the instructions at the beginning of class. I have come to the conclusion that you are just stupid. Maybe I should give you an easier assignment. Chocolate milk, perhaps?

If you can make it first, that is. Being so stupid, I need an example to follow, and, quite frankly, you're not exactly a genius.

(:lol:)

Hmmm....has my snarkiness intimidated any new competition? :huh:

nope:p

Hurray! :clap: *is no longer lonely with her mediocre snarkiness*

Woohoo! Talking about yourself in the 3rd person is strange, and yes, your snarkiness is mediocre.

Perhaps we need a new snark topic to get more people going? Your potion, Miss Dixie, is so abysmal that words fail even the most eloquent.

Can I start a new topic? Okay the topic will be I have made the potion exactly the way Professor Snape has told me to, but I accidently knock over my cauldron and it lands on his shoes and desolves his shoes, socks, and the bottom of his robe. Bring on the insults! :D :err:

You absolute insolent girl, or perhaps troll is a more appropriate term for whatever breed of stupidity you come from.

Nice job, Gemma! My brain has melted from your insults. :err:

PureBloodGirl, your topic is fabulous.

...Miss PBG, there are not words in any language adequate enough to describe your...potent, shall we say, lack of coordination.

Golly, I'm awful...perhaps it's because I have a hard time being mean, yes? :huh:

"Miss PBG, with your 'wonderfully accurate aim', why not join your House Team as a Beater? I should think none of them would last five minutes during the practise with you. Perhaps that will boost Slytherin's chances of winning the Quidditch cup. :evil: In the mean time, the Forbidden Forest would be a good detention place for you."

Nice. :lol:

Miss PBG, kindly remove yourself from this classroom before --*rest of comment is drowned out by horrified shrieks at the sight of the professor's feet*

Miss PBG, it is beyond me at how you managed to concoct this potion in the first place with your astounding lack of coordination

I thought I could help Snape by performing an incantation but it went wrong and turned his robes pink.

*grits teeth* Miss Black, no doubt you find this an amusing joke, as your predecessor would have. But Dark Lord's Heart Black robes are hard to come by, therefore your detention will be restoring this robe to its original pristine condition. Starting now.

(Eurgh! I hate pink! XP)

Miss.Black not only have you ruined my best Death Eater robes, you have ruined my good mood, which incidentally was due to taking a round total of 100 points from Gryffindor, as well..... Detention Miss.Black.... in my office tomorrow.... you will be milking eels.... no need bring you wand....

I accidentally slipped love potion into Snape's drink, and he drinks it! Oops!

MC...your beauty surpasses that of whatever the name of that redheaded girl I was previously drooling after is! I cannot resist you any longer. I am yours, body and soul. My heart belongs to you!

*:yuhup: Goll, that sounds awful...:D*

MC2456 -

I accidentally slipped love potion into Snape's drink, and he drinks it! Oops!



[You think Snape would be foolhardy enough to leave a drink unattended in the potions lab, and then consume it? I seriously doubt it. What with accident-prone characters like Neville about, or the risk that Harry, or Fred or George or any other Gryffindor with a taste for getting their own back might slip something noxious and/or embarrassing in it, plus this particular class containing some particularly intense fangirls (just who do you think you are kidding with your "accidentally" and "oops!" ? :) ).....

Well, let's agree to suspend our disbelief in the interests of amusement. :) ]

Miss MC2456, for some extraordinary reason I am no longer irritated beyond measure by your normally exasperating combination of laziness, incompetence, pertness and overweening, unwarranted and typically Gryffindor conceit. Instead I feel an irresistible desire to gently dab from your enchanting nose and shining hair the globules of slime and foulsmelling smuts that as usual you have contrived to adorn yourself with by the end of the lesson. I am going to take the unprecedented step of restoring the 50 points from Gryffindor that I deducted from you when your exploding potion bespattered Malfoy and turned him an interesting shade of green – after all, as you pointed out very wittily at the time (though I only now appreciate the humour of your remark) now he can show his support for Slytherin even when he’s not wearing his quidditch team colours! But your detention still stands. I look forward to this chance of getting to know you better in the more private and intimate surroundings of my office, and proving to you that I am not the tyrannical misanthrope that I fear you have always thought me until today.

[Help! Unless someone can manage to get an antidote into him before the detention I won’t be answerable for the consequences.]

I accidentally slipped love potion into Snape's drink, and he drinks it! Oops!
My darling MC, your beauty surpasses that of any other creature on this earth. All other humans and beasts in this world are disgusting, filth of creatures compared to your outstanding beauty.

*Slughorn comes in with an antidote for Snape*
*Snape becomes his old self again*

You incomprible fool! How dare you ugly, filthy, scum of a thing put a potion into my drink! 100 points will be taken from your house and you shall be attending detention for the rest of the school year with Mr. Filtch and I'll make sure you won't get anything easy to do. I will make sure the Headmaster hears about this and when he does you should pray he has mercy on you and doesn't throw you out of Hogwarts. You could even get arrested by the Ministery for doing such an insane and fowl thing as that. You should also hope Miss MC that my don't 'accidently' slip something in your drink at tonights meal. Things can go wrong when you do something as intollerable and disgusting as you have done. Report to the Headmaster's office imediately. I will be up there shortly.

Uh...so...I don't think I did good. I was pretending to be Professor Snape and I don't think I did a very good job of it.

It was a rather good impression. :D

Okay, so I just accidentally cast the Dark Mark right over the school and have been caught trying to reverse it by...you. :)

Do you even understand how much trouble you have caused! You deluded swine! I should hand you over to the dark lord himself! Never have a come across such a sorry excuse for a wizard! Ill throw you in Azkaban myself! I'll even give you the key! heaven knows your brainless mind will keep you there forever!

[To set the matter straight from the opening: As far as I know Morsmordre is not reversible and is known to Death Eaters alone, so I'm assuming you're just repeating something you've seen your... let's say, parents do. I'm not sure Big V had any age limits set on his party, but we didn't get to see all that many 4th year DEs either.]

Had you decided to practice your mimicking act at a more opportune time, Miss Dixie, I would have been perfectly happy to go about my business and let you explore the depths of your own stupidity. Seeing, however, that you have neither the mettle nor mind to play host to this party you have so oafishly proposed - and with no Gryffindor hero available to sacrifice for the greater good - I would suggest you remove your incompetent little anatomy from my sight and go practice the Protego charm while I set this matter to rest.

Oh, and Miss Dixie... That will be two hundred points and a month's worth of detention with Mr. Filtch for this blatant display of idiocy.

Miss MC2456, for some extraordinary reason I am no longer irritated beyond measure by your normally exasperating combination of laziness, incompetence, pertness and overweening, unwarranted and typically Gryffindor conceit. Instead I feel an irresistible desire to gently dab from your enchanting nose and shining hair the globules of slime and foulsmelling smuts that as usual you have contrived to adorn yourself with by the end of the lesson. I am going to take the unprecedented step of restoring the 50 points from Gryffindor that I deducted from you when your exploding potion bespattered Malfoy and turned him an interesting shade of green – after all, as you pointed out very wittily at the time (though I only now appreciate the humour of your remark) now he can show his support for Slytherin even when he’s not wearing his quidditch team colours! But your detention still stands. I look forward to this chance of getting to know you better in the more private and intimate surroundings of my office, and proving to you that I am not the tyrannical misanthrope that I fear you have always thought me until today.
So. full. of. win.

I'll jump in a bit, but I had to get that out before Sally's post got too far up the board. :)

Since it's been awhile . . .

I was rushing through the halls on my way to class when I tripped, landed flat on my face, and dropped my books everywhere. Right in front of Snape might I add. How does he react?

Allow me to assist you, Witchsmart; you might lose what little brain you still possess if you incline your head one more time. *flicks wand lazily*

And thank Merlin I'm not allowed to use spells on students... One flick of my wand at the back of your robes, and my assessment of your character would be on display for all the school to see. Now, good day to you. *walks off*

Come on, is that all you guys got? :relax:

This is a family friendly forum (as I keep being reminded by the... err... helpful staff). Sorry, but no can do. :lol:

Since it's been awhile . . .

I was rushing through the halls on my way to class when I tripped, landed flat on my face, and dropped my books everywhere. Right in front of Snape might I add. How does he react?

Grovelling at my feet. I wouldn't have thought that one so dim as you would have grasped their place in this world so quickly. You are to be congratulated witchsmart, some of yours peers fritter away their entire lives thinking that they are meant for better things.


(Too mean? I've never done this before :blush:)

:rotfl:

You're doing fine, druid... just fine. :tu:

I was rushing through the halls on my way to class when I tripped, landed flat on my face, and dropped my books everywhere. Right in front of Snape might I add. How does he react?

I shall take that as a sign of admiration, though there's really no need to bow so low. A simple whispered 'Sir' shall suffice...

Excellent! :lol: I wish I could respond to these, but I don't think that's how it works . . . :hmm:

*misses the snark*

It's a Monday on the hottest day of the year and I've just managed to explode yet another of my potions, showering Snape with purple dust and greenish-gloop. How does he react to this?

Probably curses you, but if not.... "If you ever do that again (which would be,indisputably,the last time) I will make sure no one is ever bothered by this menace of a potion-maker again."

*misses the snark*

It's a Monday on the hottest day of the year and I've just managed to explode yet another of my potions, showering Snape with purple dust and greenish-gloop. How does he react to this?

Actually, I think this situation would demand something above snark. Complete and utter rage, perhaps--or a long, agonizing silence, complete with a Glare of Death. You're standing there, cowering slightly, and Snape just says in that low, menacing voice of his: "Get...out..."

And that's when you scarper, everyone remaining in the room is frozen in shock, Snape cleans himself up and declares the lesson over--and demands that everyone leave his sight, at once!

The detentions and point deductions come later, and he treats you horribly for the rest of the year--similar to how he treated Neville after the boggart.

"Is your incompetence and general inability to follow instructions an aquired trait or is it inherited?"

Since this loathsome concoction of yours has soaked all the way through every piece of my clothing, you will meet me in my office for detention at 8 o'clock this evening, you will be doing my laundry by hand, without magic, no need to bring protective gloves.

You shall never beat the Snark Master! Never! :yuhup: 'Tho you have come rather close...

On my way to the Greenhouses, I trip and spill Bubotubo (think I spelt it wrong) Pus all over your shoes, which - with a hiss - melt.

Looking down my nose at you [after checking to make sure I don't need to regrow my feet]: I don't usually question the decisions of our Headmaster, but I cannot for the life of me understand why Bella Swan was ever accepted into this school! Dentention. 8 o'clock. My office. You will be crushing flobberworms for Potions. With your feet. No need to wear shoes.

I'm walking down the corridor with two friends on either side of me and I cast a look in both directions to assure you aren't around and then haughtily begin...
"I was in the loo just after potions and I heard him in the stall on the end, 'Lily he has your eyes for god's ....'" and then I sensed a shadow looming over me. I turned around and

... how do you react?

"Since your social life appears to consist solely on lurking about in toilets, you will more than likely enjoy your detention next Saturday, as you will be cleaning every bathroom in this castle. With a toothbrush."

If you were as good at Potions as your are at eavesdropping, you surely wouldn't be spending every moment not in class in the loo, always constipated. Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention. You'll be cleaning the bathroom on the second floor without magic. Should be familiar to you as you spend a vast amount of your time in such places.

I would strongly suggest that you control your natural propensity for relating such tedious and obviously delusional tales to your classmates Mr. Ohuile. Perhaps a month in detention...with me...will assist you in learning some measure of restraint. Your friends will serve a week's detention as well, for having the bad judgement to listen to your ridiculous rantings.