Ask Voldemort - The Game

Since we had an ask snape thread out here, why not an ask voldy thread too? Same rules apply

Dear Tom,

Why won't you accept Ms. Black's love? It is very powerful magic in itself.

Sincerely,

Professor Dumbledore

Dumbledore,

In case you haven't noticed, my name is Lord Voldemort. I no longer go by my mud-blood father's name.

As for Bellatrix's love, you should know well enough that I don't set any store by such usless and sentimental emotions.

Regards,

Lord Voldemort.

****

Dear Voldemort,

Is there any chance that we can change the Death Eater robes? Black is so last season, and I just brought some wonderful green fabric from Paris.

Best Wishes,

Lucius.

Dear Lucius,

We absoloutley cannot change the robes! I say the robes are still in style therefore, they are.

Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort

.................................................. .

Dear Voldy,

I'd just like to say, Ha Ha, you're dead!!!

Love,
Harry Potter

Potter,

I have matured from last time. *Takes out machine gun* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I'll see you in the afterlife ;)

The Dark Lord

*****

To My Lord,

Why won't you accept my love?!?!?!?!?!! :upset: I survived dementors for you!

Love,

Bella

Bella,

For the last time, as stated above; I don't set any store by such usless and sentimental emotions. Now enough of this! We must go plan evil and horriable acts to commit!

Lord Voldemort

*************************************************
You-Know-Who,

Seeing as you used to be, how shall i put it, extremly cute, how did you feel after you saw yourself at first after your whole tranformation thingy??

~Lavender Brown~

(I'm not sure what to say as a reply, so I'll leave it for the next person. But i just wanted to say that's a good one!:lol: I wonder about that myself.)

(I'm not sure what to say as a reply, so I'll leave it for the next person. But i just wanted to say that's a good one!:lol: I wonder about that myself.)

Heehee thanks! I thought it was dumb, but atleast someone liked it!!

You-Know-Who,

Seeing as you used to be, how shall i put it, extremly cute, how did you feel after you saw yourself at first after your whole tranformation thingy??

~Lavender Brown~


Honest answer? (There's a first time for everything and I appear to have undergone a total personality change, or I wouldn't have agreed to answer impertinent questions from total nobodies like you!)

I was not at all pleased. This was a side effect of making Horcruxes which that book on the Darkest of Dark Arts had utterly failed to warn about. Had I had the wretched author in my clutches, I should have enjoyed seeing how long I could keep him alive under a Cruciatus Curse, before feeding him to Nagini.

Still, as two letters have already made clear, it seems that at least one person finds dead white scaly skin, a high pitched voice and glowing red eyes incredibly seductive. Sadly, sex was never a great interest of mine, compared to revenge, world domination and my own continued survival, and I think any sexual feelings I DID once have must have got sliced off when my soul was sundered, and left with the Tom Riddle of the diary, or in the locket. (No doubt why that Horcrux could do such a convincingly sexy Hermione and Harry to torment the Weasley boy.) Nowadays I feel no stirrings at all, and I honestly don't miss it.

The power to attract and seduce others, though, is always useful. I found it so with that stupid old woman who rashly revealed to me her possession of my family's locket and the Hufflepuff cup. Still, sheer power to terrorize and kill works just as well in most cases as a means of persuasion, and is quicker and simpler.

Lord Voldemort



Your Dark Lordship

In the worlds of fantasy fiction, Dark Lords of Absolute Evil, adversaries of everything good, with incredible power, are two a penny. And a lot of them ignore as beneath their notice the little people - hobbits, house elves and so on, that will bring them down in the end. What makes YOU stand out among them, it seems to me, is that both you and your supporters are, or were, human, rather than spirits or creatures evil in their very nature like orcs and demons,and yet you are so utterly stupid when it comes to alienating these supporters, or throwing away their potential, through sheer casualness and inability to see things from their point of view. For instance there’s young Regulus Black, so proud to be made a Death Eater and serve your cause. So what do you do? You ask him to provide you with a reliable house elf for an important task, so he happily volunteers his pet, that he cares for at least as much as most Muggles care for their pet dogs, and you leave the elf to die an agonising death without a second thought. Of course the elf survived, because you were ignorant of its magical powers, and because Regulus, never suspecting your intent, had told it to come home when it had done its task. Result, one thoroughly scared AND disaffected young enthusiast, who decided to devote his remaining time to working against you. Then you do exactly the same thing with Severus Snape. It would have cost you very little trouble to refrain from killing Lily Potter, as he asked you. But you just couldn’t be bothered. Result, you lose your body for twelve years or so and create the Chosen One who will defeat you in the end AND you make a lifelong enemy out of your cleverest and most efficient erstwhile supporter. And you are so completely oblivious to his likely reaction to your complete disregard of his plea that it never occurs to you that he might not be so loyal to you once you had shown your callous disregard for his feelings.

Even that dubious trio the Malfoys you needlessly antagonised, and taught to fear your rule worse than the victory of your antagonists, by punishing them for botching tasks you set them by humiliating and endangering their nearest and dearest relations.

So my question is
Just why are you so silly?

Yours,

Anonymous Fantasy Fan.

I do not know why I should even bother to answer such a foolish, ignorant question; it is perfectly clear that you are a filthy Muggle who has no understanding whatsoever of what counts in an existence.
Firstly, me, having gone further along the road to immortality than any other wizard, can hardly be called a regular human - that would almost be comparing me to lower beings such as yourself.
There is a very simple explanation for why I did not bend to the foolish requests and feelings of the traitors Severus Snape and Regulus Black (though I would not expect the emotion-driven scum that you are to understand): Do you truly expect me to meddle with such worthless sentimental nonsense? Why should I even try to comprehend the absurd, unreasonable affection the traitors felt for lower creatures and Mudbloods? Me, the Dark Lord, the most powerful wizard ever alive? I know Dumbledore, that enemy of worthy Pure Bloods, saw... love as a great magic. But I am not Dumbledore. I am not weak. And nor are my carefully picked followers. I would not have welcomed such weak creatures as Snape and Black back into my inner circle in any case. They have proven that they do not deserve their Mark.

I sincerely hope that an occasion arises in which we meet and have a chance to match the powers of skill and unmatched talend against the pathetic "power" of love. You will see who will walk away alive. :evil:
His Supreme Darkness,
He Who Must Not Be Named,
The Dark Lord

*I hope that was okay, this is the 1st time I've done this! But it was fun :D*

---------------------------------------------------------------
To: Tom Riddle aka Lord Voldemort

Dear Mr Riddle,
we would like you to present yourself for an official hearing at the Ministry of Magic, on October 31st 1998 at 11 am.
You have been charged for the torture and murder of numerous Muggles, Wizards and other Magical Creatures, as well as the use of various Unforgivable Curses and several attempts gain power by overthrowing the Ministry, and we would like to hear your counter-arguments to defend your case.
We are looking forward to seeing you!
Hoping you have a nice summer,
Hermione J. Granger,
Head of Magical Law Enforcement

*I hope that was okay, this is the 1st time I've done this! But it was fun *

*Much more than okay, OooooohDementor!:tu: Your Lord VM sounds a lot more like the real thing than mine! :lol:*



Lord Voldemort presents his compliments to the presumptuous prig Hermione Granger, and begs to be excused from attending her summons, on the grounds of being dead – a fact that seems to have escaped the notice of Your Mudblood Magnificence, even though you witnessed his change of state yourself!

Has your totally undeserved rise to power gone so far to your head, is your obsession with petty rules and regulations, your overweening desire to meddle in the affairs of your masters so great, that, not content with putting on trial and exacting revenge on those loyal servants of the Dark Lord that survived his death – people who despite their weakness in not choosing to follow their Master Beyond the Veil directly must always be immeasurably your superiors - you now attempt to call Him too to account, regardless of this difficulty?

Perhaps you imagine that on the special date you have set for this “hearing” you will have extra strong powers to summon from the Afterlife the spirits of the departed. Let me inform you that you are wrong. If it were possible for the greatest of all wizards, who had repeatedly conquered death on previous occasions, to return yet again to the world of the living, do not you think that he would have done so already, for his own purposes, not yours?

To my everlasting regret, it seems that this time, by some fluke, your wretched friend, the Boy Who Failed to Die, has accidentally contrived to inflict irreparable damage on my Lord and Master. Despite my constant attempts, I am unable to get Him to even acknowledge my presence, or display any awareness of anything beyond His own agonised consciousness. But death cannot affect my unalterable devotion to Him. I will never slacken my efforts to bring Him back to Himself, and in the mean time I stand ready to answer on His behalf any challenges from living or dead, and to breathe defiance to His detractors.

Bellatrix Lestrange

Personal Assistant to the Dark Lord

P.S. If you have not yet put on trial my traitorous erstwhile sister, her incompetent fool of a husband, and her cowardly turncoat son, pray accept my good wishes for a successful outcome, and the severest penalty that your feeble laws will allow! She repaid my Master’s trust with treachery and lies, for no better reason than to be reunited as soon as possible with her worthless brat. I renounce her utterly!

P.P.S. Though I am sincerely sorry that I failed to finish off you and your little friends before your mother-in-law-to-be shoved you aside and got in her lucky shot (especially the Blood Traitor brat so dear to her and to Potter) I can almost be glad that you survived when I contemplate the life that you must lead with the moron Ronald Weasley, and he with you. May you long torment each other- he with his invincible stupidity and total insignificance, you with your self-righteous, hectoring, domineering ways.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Ruddle

This is not just another begging letter. As a former resident of the now sadly defunct Battersea Home for Orphans, you will, I am sure, find that our new charity “A Jumper for Every Child” resonates particularly strongly with you. I enclose a leaflet of explanation and illustration.

At this time of year especially, who, unless he has a heart of stone, can fail to be moved by the thought of lonely, unloved little children from desperately poor backgrounds, with never a knitted item of clothing to call their own? And who could fail to smile at the sight of happy little faces peeping from warm, colourful designs?

Please send your donation to the address on the leaflet. Thank you so much – and Merry Christmas!

Albinia Smith
Regional Organiser
A Jumper for Every Child
(President : Mrs Molly Weasley)

Note : we apologise most sincerely in advance for any distress or inconvenience caused to the opener of this letter if Mr Ruddle has recently moved, or passed away. Unfortunately, some of the lists we have acquired of potential benefactors to our charity are rather inaccurate and out of date!

Ms. Smith,

First of all, My name is Riddle, not Ruddle. Secondly, I could not care less for the d---ed (a very rude word) orphanage that I was dumped into because of my mother's early death. Thirdly, I do not know what my heart is made of, as I have never cared enough to check, but I have failed to be moved by some "sad little children who have never owned their own sweater," if that is what you mean because of the fact that you have poor writing skills. And yes, I do, as I have never owned my own sweater as a child, and I do not believe in giving others the satisfaction that I did not feel. So you will recieve no money, but I will, in fact, have money removed from your pathetic oragnization's account directly to me.

Unsincerely,
Mr. Riddle to you
---------------------
Dear Mr. Voldemort,

Have you ever considered taking over Wal-Mart and renaming it Volde-Mart after yourself?

I just thought it was really cool, and so should you.

Eagerly waiting for an answer,
An anonymous fan

Anonymous,

that is a great idea, but don't think I never thought of it before. Own Walmart, own the world...

Hoping you die a painful death,
Lord Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Dear Voldemort

What was your favourite food?

Best,
a fan

Rebel,

My favorite food? Why, muggles, of course. Except, I don't actually eat them, I burn them as an offering to myself and inhale the fumes.
I don't eat anything... ever.
I did rather love chocolate frogs when I was a boy, until I found a Dumbledore card in one of the boxes. I've never been the same since...

~The Dark Lord

--------------------------------------

Dear Lord Vapormort,
Why in the world did you have to play with your food (Harry) before you ate (killed) it? And how, with your vast knowledge of magic, did you NOT KNOW about Priori Incantatem?
By the way, that whole Unicorn blood thing .... not cool. Really bad idea. Oh, and why did you run away when that centaur came clomping your way in the forbidden forest? Are you afraid of horses? Or do you just not like guys with a lot of hair? You've really got to accept your baldness someday, you know.

Sincerely,
Yarrow

Yarrow,

You idiot.
AVADA KEDAVRA!!

~Lord Voldemort


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lord Volemort,

I must once again wonder why you continue to trust Snape. He is not loyal to you! I heard he was actually in the Order of the Pheonix. Neither is he pure blooded - his father was a muggle! The Potter brat was in his grasp for the past five years, and not only did he not kill him, he actually saved him! My lord, I implore you to kill Snape before he betrays us!

Your humble servant,

Bellatrix Lestrange

Yarrow,

You idiot.
AVADA KEDAVRA!!

~Lord Voldemort

:rotfl: :tu:

My dear Bellatrix,

If I ever catch you leaving notes in my undergarments drawer again, I will personally make sure you partake in the fate you so doggedly invoke upon Severus.

Must I remind you that I am the greatest Legilimens this world has ever seen?

Lord Voldemort

.................................................. ..................................


Dearessssssst Lord,

It hassss been a while ssssince my lasssst meal. Will you pleasssse hurry and ssssstun sssssomeone from the Phoenixessss' rankssss before I sssstarve to death?

Yourssss,
Nagini

Nagini
Don't be silly, I fed you ten muggles in the last week, granted, they were slightly burnt after the offering... but, have patience, my slithering friend, you'll have a better one soon.

Your merciful master,
Lord Voldemort

---------------------------------

Dear, dear, Dark Lord,
How about a manicure?

sincerely,
your most avid fan
Wormtail

Wormtail,
you bumbling imbecile, a manicure? Dare to ask a foolish question like that again and I'll set a manticore on you. Crucio! Go do something useful...like polish Nagini's fangs.


My dear Masster,
You call thosse Mugglesss a meal? There wasss nothing worth mentioning left to eat. Sssomething more sssubsstantial would be deliciousss. SSSomeone well-fed thiss time.

Sssincerely,
Nagini

Nagini
If you are really still hungry then go eat something wild. like a deer. those things never seem to do me any good! or evil. or something.
The dark lord Voldemort

(this is my first time doing this as well, hope its okay)


Dear Dark Lord.
Do you ever regret being evil? do you ever wonder what being good would be like?
An anonymous wizard

Anonymous,

Do I ever regret being evil? Hmmmmmm... No, I do not believe so. I have always done, as you call it, "evil" for my own personal benefit and enjoyment. And I have never felt the urge to be "good," so it has never really appealed much to me.

The Dark Lord

------------------------------
Master,

I beg of you, do not punish Draco for what he cannot do. He is all alone, and is determined that no one help him, including Severus. He will not address us on the matter either. Lucius and I are trying to convince him to see sense, but he remains firm. Please give him more time, he is just a child.

Your humble servants,
Narcissa and Lucius

Master,

I beg of you, do not punish Draco for what he cannot do. He is all alone, and is determined that no one help him, including Severus. He will not address us on the matter either. Lucius and I are trying to convince him to see sense, but he remains firm. Please give him more time, he is just a child.

Your humble servants,
Narcissa and Lucius

Lucius and Narcissa,

I've made it quite clear to the both of you and Draco. If the boy cannot deliver to me a gallon of milk a reasonable expiration date, then the punishment will be severe and merciless.

Yours,
Dr. Lord Voldemort
------------------------------------

Sir or Mrs.,
Hello, I am Sadig Johnson, former king of Kenya. It is unfortunate that political not stableness has caused me to go from my kingdom into exile. I have millions of dollars that I no longer. I am offering you the chance to help me. Please send me your bank account and routing number so that I might make a generous donation to your cause.

Love,
King Sadig Johnson.

King Sadig Johnson,

I already took your money. you are useless.


AVADA KEDAVRA!!

Lord Voldemort.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dark Lord,
I have evil baby bunnies. do you want one? they can be trained to attack anyone, all
free of charge.

SIncerely,
KeepItDark

PS- I know the number of a great shrink, who can get you through your mommy and daddy issues.

KeepItDark,

*Gasp* That is a marvelous idea! This is the answer to all of my problems!!! And I assume, of course, that they can also be trained to steal me cans of Diet Coke from soda vendors? Meet me at Florean Fortescue's and I will pick out my favorite.

Sincerely Yours,

Lord Voldemort
------------------------------------------
Voldykinz,

Does that nickname ever bother you? And what about your hair and eyes? Doesn't it sort of freak people out when you look at them? I mean this in a completely friendly way, but you should try a wig on sometime... Y'know?

Curiously Waiting For Your Reply,

A. Nonymous

Dear A. Nonymous,

Happy Avada Kedavra to you!
Happy Avada Kedavra to you!
Now your dead too!
Happy Avada Kedavra to you!

Lord-Knight-All-Mighty Voldemort.

______________________________

Dear Voldemort Co.,

Do you make a special mouldy wart potion for witches?
I heard your name in the streets and was willing to try the brand 'Voldemort'.

Eager waiting your reply,
Umbridge - the troll under the bridge.

Umbridge - the troll under the bridge-

AVADA KEDAVRA!!

-Voldemort
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lord Voldemort,

I will be at Florean Fortescue's 3:45pm Thursday (tomorrow) with the 4 bunnies that survived Killer's (their father) attack. Did I also mention that they are poisonous too? All the more to ....see use of them. Easily trainable. They are very cute, so your enemies do not see what is coming for them.

Sincerely,
KeepItDark

Dear KeepItDark,

Cute bunnies? CUTE BUNNIES?! Avada Kedavra!

Maliciously yours,
Lord Voldemort.

Dear Dark Lord,

Tell me, have you ever done the Cha Cha Cha?

Yours,
Hestiajones.

Dead Hestiajones,

No.

Lord Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Lord,
I have been lately informed, by the proprietor of The Necromancer, that two papers, in which my 'Book of Lies' is recommended to the public, were written by your lordship. To be so distinguished is an honour which, being very little accustomed to favours from the great, I know not well how to receive, or in what terms to acknowledge.

Sixty-two years, my lord, have now passed, since I waited in your outward rooms, or was repulsed from your door; during which time I have been pushing on my work through difficulties, of which it is useless to complain, and have brought it, at last, to the verge of universal enactment, without one act of assistance, one word of encouragement, or one smile of favour.

The notice which you have been pleased to take of my labours of late, had it been early, had been kind; but it has been delayed till I am dead, and cannot enjoy it; till I am notorious, and do not want it. I hope it is no very cynical asperity not to confess obligations where no benefit has been received, or to be unwilling that the public should consider me as owing that to a patron, which providence has enabled me to do for myself.

Your lordship's most humble,
most obedient servant,
Aleister Crowley

Dear Aleister Crowley,

REPULSED FROM MY DOOR!?
Avada Kedavra!

Lord Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Voldykins,

Why can't you love Harry and never let him go?

Hugs and kisses,
dumbledores1fan

Dear dumbledores1fan,
Love is for losers, i dont love anyone and definitly not that stupid Harry Potter!!!
Not very friendly greetz Lord Voldemort




Dear Voldy
I just wanted to let you now that your in great danger and that terrible things are going to happen to you soon.

Be careful, prof. Trelawney

Dear Professor Trelawny,
I wouldn't believe you if I was on crack.
Sincerely, Lord Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Moldywart,
LOVE IS NOT FOR LOSERS!!!
Hugs and Kisses,
dumbledores1fan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Moldywart,
LOVE IS NOT FOR LOSERS!!!
Hugs and Kisses,
dumbledores1fan[/QUOTE]


Dumbledores1fan,

How DARE you write to ME, your eternal Master, ruler of all that is DARK, slayer of CUTE BUNNIES, using a pseudonym containing the name of my arch nemasis, a bumbling old man who likes to knit? And then you DARE speak to me about "love?"

AVADA KEDAVRA!!!

(hope that was OK, my first try)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dark Lord,

My Lord, there is a jokeshop on Diagon Alley run by a pair of filthy bloodtraitors, Fred and George Weasley. They dare disgrace your honourable name by plastering phoney warnings of U-No-Poo, a constipation sensation that's gripping the nation across the shops front. I'd have sorted them out myself, but I was too busy torturing a group of American muggle tourists.

Faithfully yours, your eternal servant,

Bellatrix Lestrange

Well, clearly you're not busy enough to write me a letter, so round up a few Death Eaters and kill them.

Don't write to me again.

Your Lord and Master,
Lord Voldemort

***

Dear Voldykins,

What do you think of my avatar?

Hugs and Kisses!

V8thH

P.S. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear V8thH,

HOW DARE YOU PUT GIRLY MAKEUP ON ME, AND MAKE ME DANCE AROUND!!???
(Although, the blush makes me look quite good.)

Avada Kedavra!
Sincerley,
Lord Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Massster,

I am hungry. Could you pleasssee feed me?

Love,
Your Faithful Ssssnake Nagini

Dear Nagini,

Just wait a little while longer, and you'll have at least some digusting muggle to eat or maybe even Harry Potter.

Your Master,
Voldemort

-------------------------------

Dear Voldy,

How in the world did you come up with 'Lord Voldemort'. It's too easy of a name to make fun of, I mean come on 'Volde' rhymes with 'Moldy' and "Mort" rhymes with 'Wart". So I think i'll call you Moldywart from now on. How do you like that?

With lots and lots and lots of love,
C

Dear C

If you ever had lessons in the language, you would know that you do not pronounce the "t" in my name.

As a filthy muggle would say....get a life.

Actually...this is more fun.


CRUCIO!


************************************************** *********

Dear Great Dark Lord Voldemort,

How is it you made so many mistakes allowing that little brat to win?


A Distant Cousin

Dear Distant Cousin,

I hope you have a good explanation insulting your Lord... if not, I know who you are and I will make you sorry for questioning the Dark Lord.
By the way, I did not make any mistakes, I just think I can torture the little brat this way. I shall drive him crazy, make him think he can win and that I shall finish him off when he isn't paying attention.

See you next revel,

Lord Voldemort

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I think you are the sexiest leader the dark side has ever seen, the only point of critique I have for you; Why don't you just allow Muggleborns to enter in your ranks. I, myself have Muggle parents, which doesn't mean I could never be a Death Eater. Think about it, I would love to join the Dark side.

Greetings and I hope to get an invite to recieve your mark,

Your humble servant,

H.G.

Filthy Mudblood,

Your message has been intercepted by the fangirl base of Lord Voldemort for the use of a word complimenting the Dark Lord's looks in a fashion commonly used by fangirls. Kindly ask someone to obliviate all possible love based attractions toward the Dark Lord or we will do it for you.

Sincerely,

Bellatrix Lestrange and the Dark Lord's Fangirl Base

P.S. CRUCIO!

*****

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Why didn't you steal the body of a baby and drink aging potion and bided your time there and later went to Hogwarts as a student to kill Harry Potter?

Yours Truly,

Scared-Death-Eater-That-Will-Not-Be-Named

Dear Scared Wannabe Death Eater,

Stop trying to spoil my fun. And besides, that would take too long. I had to...expand my talents.

by the way....

Avada Kedevra!

*sneers*


The Dark Lord.

**********************************


Dear All great Dark Lord Voldemort,

Can I join you in tossing cruciatus curses at Harry Pooter and his punk friends? And where's my Dark Mark?

A Distant Cousin

Dear Distant Cousin:

AVADA KADAVRA!

- Lord Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lord Voldemort,

It is I again. I apologize, thought the 'cute' bunnines would be something say... Luna Lovegood or Hermione Granger (damn mudblood) or Ginny Weasly (blood traitor) would find and therefore bring into the castle and then they could attack the mudblood and all them.

But, I wish to join your ranks. I am pureblood, unfortunately dating to Godric Gryffindor's and Rowena Ravenclaw's line. I am a Slytherin, and more evil than you may see. I'd rather kill all the tainted blood in the world than sit with the mudbloods.

Sincerely,
KID (KeepItDark)
Ps: If you need any help on luring potter into your hands, i have my 'ways'...

K.I.D,

I accept your apologies, but don't let me hear you saying such profanities ever again!

And I shall consider letting you join my ranks, considering you are a pureblood.

Now, you say you have your ways of luring the Potter Boy?

Well, I too have my ways. I shall leave a trail of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans into a hidey hole I dug myself, and he shall fall for that trap. I hope. Who am I kidding? Of course he will. I am the greatest.

Sincerely,

- Lord Voldemort.


***********************************

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I know a professional hair replacement facility that might interest you. *snicker*

Owl me.

- Anon.

To whichever sad, miserable soul you amy be,

Blind bat! I find no purpose in hair replacement! When I have pushed past the boundaries of magic, travelled into lands considered a fable by most, I find no need to look attractive. For your utter impundence, I will trace you down and kill you. (You probably are a crazy muggle anyway!)

Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: The Dark Lord

I have something that may be of personal interest to you. I have succeeded with great difficulty to steal the sword of Godric Gryffindor from Hogwarts. I will be willing to offer it to you at the decent sale of 100 galleons. Owl me if interested.

--your faithful supporter,
Saturna Black

To Saturna Black,

Ha Ha. You fool! I have the one and only true sword locked up in my most faithful followers vault. I know it is the real deal because Griphook said so – so nah nah, nah nah, nah. You appear to risked your life for a fake!

You are stupid and I am sooo smart!

Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HiYa Master Voldy!

Sorry, but Kreacher appears to be ill and unable to accompany you on the quest thingy you wanted. May I suggest you use the Malfoy’s House elf Dobby instead?

Yours, always faithful,
RAB

HiYa Master Voldy!

Sorry, but Kreacher appears to be ill and unable to accompany you on the quest thingy you wanted. May I suggest you use the Malfoy’s House elf Dobby instead?

Yours, always faithful,
RAB

Dear RAB

I hate Dobby. You and that house-elf of yours will will do my bidding, or else!

Your Lord and Master
Voldemort

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Voldemort

HissHiss Hiss HissHHississ HissHissHissHiss Hiss Hiss HissHiss HissHissHiss
Hiss?
HissHissHiss Hiss HissHissHiss HissHissHiss HissHissHissHiss HissHiss HissHiss
Hiss HissHiss.
ssssssssssssissssssssssssssssss.

HissHissHisss.

From,

Grandpappy Marvolo

'Grandpappy Marvolo',

HIss hissy hiss hiss...

HISS THIS!

AVADA KADAVRA!

-______________________________________________

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I apologize for two things- my foul-mouthed-ness and the fact i am late in replying to your response. I had to....do things to the children selling lemonade, since it wasn't lemonade. I thank you for considering to let me join your ranks. It would be an honor to serve you, sir.

You said you were planning to leave a trail of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans into a hidey hole I dug myself. I must say, interesting, yet, you'll catch the red-head (ron weasley i believe) instead. Trust me, I tried it in the Forbidden Forest last year. I was thing more or less along the lines of using "Accio Potter" . or another poprtkey- i'm pretty good at setting those up and hiding them.

Thank you for your time,
sincerely,
KID (KeepItDark)

K.I.D,

You say the Red-Haired Weasel will be more likely to follow my trial? Darn it! I've already set the trail and dug the hole! I even had to go and get a Manicure to get rid of the dirt that got stuck under my nails. I know what your thinking, why didn't I use my wand to dig the hole? Well, to be honest, I wanted to see what it was like to physically do something. Go on, laugh. Who cares what you think anyway, my nails look fantastic.

Anywho, lets put our heads together (as friends) and see if we can make a good enough Portkey for the Potter kid to pick up. Maybe we could make Ginny Weasley a Portkey? That would work.

Sincerely,

Lord "French-Tip-Nails" Voldemort

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord "French-Tip-Nails" Voldemort,

I have received your order for 1 Pink Frilly Robe. What size did you order again, I just need to double check.

Regards,
Anna from
Robes for Pretty Girls

dear imperiosed Anna,
I say you made a mistake.I never asked such a outfit.Don't dare annoy me with Lucius' letters.I think I have found a good meal for Nagini.
Imperio-come to Malfoy manor .I was one muggle less for my offering to night.
P.S:I will never be called as Lord Voldemort,neverthless Lord "French-Tip-Nails"Voldemort.


Dearessssst massster,
I had a dream lasssst night.A woman in magnified eyes,covered by layersss of shawl,ssssaid in a hoarse voice that I should be beware of red sssstones and talking hat.She also told that I had my lasssst meal (Pettigrew of course,I keep a count of my mealsss) I am afraid massster.what do you think about my dream lord?

P.S:Bella callssss me for duel.I have been hinting her (couldn't tell) that I am the only one dark lord ever caressss for .am I right?

yourssss,
Nagini.

Nagini-
You are absolutely right. You are the only one i Care for. Your dream- I will protect you with every inch of me and i will kill whoever threatens you in the slightest.

_your master.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord Voldemort,
I won't laugh at you for digging the hole yourself. I did it that way. You got a manicure? How does it look? I wish i could get one, but i never have anyone to go with, i seem to kill them. I was thinking of using Potter's Broom or a "official" notice from the ministry , since what happens if Ginny Weasley touches herself? and no, i'm not saying that in a dirty way- i'm talking about when she scratches her head, or what happens when someone other than Potter touches her?

sincerely,
KID (KeepItDark)

K.I.D,

My manicure looks fantastic, and to be quite frank, I look even more spectacular. If thats even possible. I suggest you come with me to get a Foot Spa next time I decide to get one done. The dead skin around my toes is starting to mould.

Hmm you raise a good point about Ginny. Perhaps we need to think about this some more. I suggest we go and grab and Iced Coffee and then perhaps we could discuss these plans over the previously suggested Foot Spa. The sound of the jets will block out our conversation to unwanted eavesdroppers.

Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord "French-Tip-Nails" Voldemort,

I am not getting confused. You specifically came to me and ordered a Pink Frilly Robe. I can add the lace around the bottom if you still would like me to do that.

The option is there.

Anna
Robes for Pretty Girls

Dear Anna
Avada Kedavra. That is all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Voldemort

Were you ever hugged?

That is the stupidest question I have ever heard. I grew up in a Muggle orphanage. Do you really think I was ever hugged?

Avada Kedavra.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Voldy,

You stink! And you killed my brother!

Dennis Creevey.

Silly Mudblood,

If you ever got close enough to me to smell whether or not i stink, you would've been dead long before writing to me.

Avada Kedavra.

Lord Voldemort

****************

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Me and Bella and various other fangirls have formed the Society of Fangirls Devoted to the Dark Lord. YOU WILL BE OURS!!!!!

Love

V8thH

To: The Dark Lord

I have something that may be of personal interest to you. I have succeeded with great difficulty to steal the sword of Godric Gryffindor from Hogwarts. I will be willing to offer it to you at the decent sale of 100 galleons. Owl me if interested.

--your faithful supporter,
Saturna Black

Dear Ms. Black,

Filth! If you truly supported me, you would hand it over free of charge! AVADA KEDAVRA!

With love,
The Dark Lord

--------------------------------------------------------

To the Dark Lord,

Stay out of the Forbidden Forest or we thestrals will kill and consume you. You and your clumsy Death Eaters chased us from our clearing. Stay away!

Yours Truly,
Tenebrus, Leader of the Thestrals

Sorry, that was the only one I could think of an answer to.....

Sorry, but you can only answer the last post. The one you answered had already been answered. :)

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Me and Bella and various other fangirls have formed the Society of Fangirls Devoted to the Dark Lord. YOU WILL BE OURS!!!!!

Love

V8thH

V8thH,
How many times must I tell you and your annoying bunch of fangirls to stay away! AVADA KEDAVRA!

Without Love,
The Dark Lord.


To the Dark Lord,

Stay out of the Forbidden Forest or we thestrals will kill and consume you. You and your clumsy Death Eaters chased us from our clearing. Stay away!

Yours Truly,
Tenebrus, Leader of the Thestrals

Okay, thanks V8thH, that was one of the first times I tried this, I understand now. :D

No problem, honest mistake :)

Tenebrus,

I'm dead already remember?

The Dark Lord

*********

Dear Lord Voldemort

I dare you to not say Avada Kedavra or write it or use it in any form for a whole week.

Sincerely,

Imtotallydontdeservetobekilled

Are you trying to ridicule me? Fat buffoon, I won't even think again about killing you.

AVADA KEDRAVA!!!!

--Dark Lord

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tom,

I am interested in having you return to Hogwarts to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts.

--Professor Merrythought

DEAR Prof,
If Dumbeldore had given me when I have asked ....I am sensitive.Please dont ridicule me .I was a good boy but my life changed with my greed.
To think of all those I have lost....Please people/fans don't make me cry....:upset::upset::upset::upset::upset:
I have lost *:upset:* My beauty *:sad:* my goldilocks......
To think you people making fun of my appearance......buhu..buhu...aaaah...buhu....
From,
Lord *crying*Babymort.

------------------------------------------------
Lord *crying*Babymort,
Please don't cry master.My manor is shaking with your shrieks.Please let me offer my help.Let me place you in the rocking cradle and sing lullaby to you.
"Araroo arirarooo baby go to sleep.....
Ararooo ariraroo baby have sweet dreams....
Ararooo ariraroo baby close your eyes ...."
Now my manor is shaking with my lullaby.I need a 'thankyou for making me sleep ' letter.
Yours,
Lucius 'motherly' Malfoy

Lucius,

i see you are still a snivelling idiot! CRUCIO!

The Dark Lord.


Dear Lord Voldemort,

Do you use deodorant? 'Coz I can't help but doubt that you shower.


Thanks,

CuriousCat.

CuriusCat,

Thank you for writing, however, there are somethings i don't need to discuss with morons like you.

AVADA KADAVRA!


_Lord Voldemort.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Lord Voldemort,
I promise I'm not trying to be a fangirl/suckup/Bellatrix, but considering if Wormtail had gotten the potion wrong, and messed something up, you do look quite spectacular. That sounds like a great idea, about joining you at the Foot Spa, as long as you can promise not to kill me. There are a few thing we should discuss too, if you want the plan to go perfectly.

Sincerely,
KID

KID,

The only matter that will be discussed as we revel in a foot message will be your unyielding service to me. Or your death if you refuse.

The Dark Lord

------------------------------------------

Dear Dark Lord,

Fellow Death Eaters and I have been discussing the possibly of throwing Lucius and his wife Narcissa a surprise wedding anniversary celebration.

We wish for your approval and attendance.

Al the best,
Dolohov

Dolohov-

AVADA KADAVRA.

-The Dark Lord

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord Voldemort,

If you recall, my request to work for you, i will do anything for you. And yes, i mean anything.

-KID

KID.

You dare. You dare address me as Lord Voldemort!

CRUCIO!

...

...

...

...

Ahh. Before I hang you by your ankles and feed you to Nagini for dinner, I have a task for you. You are to retrieve a prophecy for me from the Department of Mysteries. The prophecy discusses the date of my next Foot Spa appointment. I wish to hear it.

The Dark Lord

----------------------------------------------

To the Dark Lord
I know I will be dead long before you read this
but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your foot massage obsession.
I have stolen your real Foot Spa membership card and intend to destroy it as soon as I can.
I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, your feet will ache once more.
TWT

TWT-
AVADA KADAVRA!

-The Dark Lord

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord Voldemort-

Thanks for the Crucio, it cracked my back. I am unable to be killed- or fed- to a snake. sorry. it may be useful to not try, save your strength for the Potter brat.


_KID

K.I.D,

Thanks, I shall keep that in mind. Now, going back to you wanting to work for me.

You can work for me on one condition. Bathe me.

Yours forever,
Lord Voldemort

__________________________________________________ ____


Dear Voldemort,

I heard tell that you are having a Bake Sale. Is this true?

Regards,
Cake Baker

Cake Baker-

No. Lucius Malfoy is.
AVADA KADAVRA!

-Lord Voldemort
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord Voldemort,
I will gladly bathe you. what soap do you like? shampoo/conditioner? loofa, sponge or cloth rag? hot or cold, or a perfect balance of water? a rubber duck? i apologize- you may be bald, but your scalp needs proper care.

_KID

K.I.D,

Excellent. I like hot baths with steam, lots of bubbles, and definitely a rubber duck. I prefer a loofa, but a cloth rag might be more gentle on my scalp. I like lavendar scented soap, but don't be afraid to use jasmine scented either. My finger nails and toe nails will also need to be seen too. I got some flour and dough caught under them when I was making scones this morning.

Yours truly,
Lord Voldemort.

______________________________

Dear Voldemort,

Please don't lie. I know it's not Lucius Malfoy who is having the Bake Sale. Please reconsider! Think of your cooking skills! I know for a fact I saw you through your open window baking scones, and boy did they smell good!

- Cake Baker

if it wasn't Lucius, it must've been McNair.

OBLIVIATE!

Lord Voldemort

********

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Do you like my portrayal of you before you went to Hogwarts?

http://i228.photobucket.com/albums/ee38/phoenixfyre6967/Tomcopy-1.jpg

With lots of love, :love:

V8thH

PS Do you like the picture in my signature too?

PSS I know the skin kind of sucks, it's unfinished

V8thH,

Love your picture?! Gosh it's ugly. Why would I want to remember how incredibly good-looking I used to be. If I had an honest trait inside me-which i don't-I'd say it's drawn very well. You did not just hear that....The sig, is absolutely wickedly cool though.
Don't ask any more questions,
Voldemort

-----------------
Voldemort,
What do you ask of your death eaters to do now?
-A Fellow Death Eater

Death Eater,

well.. most of you did leave me behind, so my answer is simple....... AVADA KADAVRA! ... Cowards!

The Dark Lord

======================

Voldy,

I came up with a brilliantly new idea!

An addition to our U-NO-POO product line, the “U-NO-POO Disguise”, a top-quality Polyjuice type of potion, featuring you and your funny face. This will be wicked for the Halloween!

What do u think?


Yours Truly,
George Weasley
Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes

Dear Mr. Weasley,

Are you insane? I want nothing to do with your products. Expect a Cruciatus Curse from me when I get the time. Right now I have an important engagement.

Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort

-----------------

Dear Voldemort,

So, how's defeated life treating you? Hope it's going well.

Sincerely,
Harry Potter aka The Boy Who Beat Your Butt.

Harry,
WHY YOU!!! I demand a rematch.
-Voldemort

----------------------------

Dear Voldy,
Can I join your army?
-Umbridge
PS: I'm MADLY in love with you, care for a cup of tea sometime?

Dear Umbridge,

Yes, you may join my army, but I have no romantic feelings for you, so you'll want to keep your feelings at bay. That cup of tea does sound good.

Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort

--------------

Dear Voldemort,

Why didn't you choose me as your love? I loved you so much. Why?

Love,
Bellatrix

Bellatrix,
I'm too good looking!! Me by your love!?! Disgusting. Why I'm so very sexy, just look at my face!
-Voldemort

-----------------------

Dear Voldy,
Saw you on the map again..do we need to duel again?
-The Boy Who Still Lives

Potter,

Anytime, anyplace. Just bring it. You know I'll beat you this time.

Sincerely,
The One Who Will Defeat You.

---------------

Voldy is moldy. Voldy is moldy.

Peeves.

Dear Poltergeist,

I will find some way to kill you in the after-life, mark my words.

-Voldemort



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Voldemort,

Who's your favorite Death Eater?

-Bellatrix

Bellatrix,
Favorite death eater?!! Why none of you. You all abandoned me!!! You all are so very disloyal. You know what...Avada Kedevra!
-Voldemort

-------------

Voldy,
How are you answering these messages, last I heard you were dead?
-A random fan.

Voldy,
How are you answering these messages, last I heard you were dead?
-A random fan.

Dear Random Fan,

You dare question my abilities?
The world will never be rid of Lord Voldemort. You think I only stopped at 7 Horcruxes? There are millions of them around the Wizarding World, and soon I will regain my true power.

Die now, Avada Kedevra!

-Lord Voldemort

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Voldemort,

As much as I dislike you, I have to wonder;

Why did you make yourself ugly like that? Especially your slitted nose, it's worse than Snape's snout.

-Harry Potter, The-boy-who-you-can't-seem-to-kill.

Dear The-Boy-Who-Shall-Be-Killed-Very-Soon,

Foolishness is evident on your ill asked questions. Should you ever question my master piece again, I will be forced to kill Ginny. The form of my nose is none of your filthy business, and it never shall be.
BE GONE.

Your murderer,
LORD Voldemort.

------

Dear Tom Riddle,

Why would you never go out with me?!!!

You're smart, I'm smart!
You were in the Slug Club, I was in the Slug Club!
You were pretty, I'm pretty!!!!!!

Forever your love,
Chrissy

Dear Worthless Teenager,

I love nobody but myself. If I desired a woman, they would be far superior to you in every way. Do not bother me again...

Avada Kedavra!

-The Dark Lord

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the Dark Lord of my Dreams,

While it is not my place to question your decisions, I must ask, why did you ask Lily Potter to join the Death Eaters? She's a worthless mudblood!

-Yours,
Bellatrix Lestrange

Bellatrix,

Because I didn't know she was a Mudblood right away. Plus, I was desperate. Now, stop bothering me, you evil stalker.

Lord Voldemort.

---------

Dear Voldemort,

I would never have joined your evil society. I'm so glad I defied you three times and that my son beat you.

Lily.

Dear Mudblood,

I would kill you, but I already did. and your husband.

Take that,
Voldemort

---
Dear Voldemort,

WHY, WHY, WHY, would you go to the same plastic surgeon as michael jackson??!! You had so much potential! The whole snake nose thing definately ruined you. That's why nobody can take you seriously, I mean, even the death eaters have to wear masks to cover the ugly.

regrets,
your former personal stylist

Dear Piece of Scum,

My face graced this stupid planet from the moment I was conceived. I don't care what I look like because I am AWESOME and extremely powerful. Anyways, there's a reason why the word former is in your title. You are a filthy mudblood and terrible at your job. So you know what? Avada Kedavra!

THE DARK LORD Voldemort

***

Voldykins!

Oh, how I've missed you! But you couldn't even bother to tell me about your plans to take over the world? No, just because I'm dead, I'm not allowed to know anything! I mean, I gave birth to you! You are a horrible son!

Ugh. Hmph.
Your Apparantly Worthless Mother

Dear Squib,
If you ever learned how yo do magic you would not have died.The only useful thing you have done is to give birth to the greatest wizard of all time.Thank God that you died or else I would have killed you-running behind a muggle...
Dont contact me again,
The dark lord.
-------------------------------------------------------
Voldikinz
You shouldn't be talking to your mommy like that.Ask her apologies.
Albus Duumbledore.

Dear Old Fart,

Dumbledore, you're even more of a pain in my arse than Harry Potter, and at first I thought that was impossible. I am so happy that Snape killed you. As to my mother, she can and will rot in hell along with the rest of my blood relatives.

-Voldemort

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I have a question to ask you. One of your many abilities is the Parselmouth ability, you know, the ability to speak to snakes. I was wondering, could the snakes translate other animal languages for you? Like, if a dog barked at a snake, could the snake understand it and translate it back to you? If so, your rule would be uncontested.

-John the Researcher

Bah, I don't need a translator I'm far too awesome you think I stopped at parseltongue? No. Now

AVADA KEDAVRA!

--------------------

Dear Lord moldywart is it true that you're the father of Bella's kid?

PS I am a way cooler Dark Lord then you could ever dream of being

Signed

Sauron

Inaccurate Fictional Character,

If you're better than me, then how did a hobbit under four feet high defeat you? At least I was facing a guy who was tall. Be gone. AVADA KEDAVRA!

- The Amazingly Better-Than-You Lord Voldemort

***

Erm, You-Know-Who,

Reveal about your affair with Bellatrix! Was it scandalous? What did her husband say? Was he the one to truly kill you, not Harry, as many say could be a lie? I'm here waiting for answers!

- Rita Skeeter

Mrs Rita Skeeter,
I have made an arrangement in order for you to receive my 11 pages report, containing pictures and diagrams, regarding my affair with Bellatrix. All you have to do is to walk in the middle of a national highway, wave your hands,jump around in one foot screaming 'FC Barcelona' as loud as you can until the report will appear next to you.It is a powerful spell that I have found in an old and misterious book that I have and you don't and if it is not working it means that you are not concentrating enough.

Yours sincerely,
Voldemort
----------------------

Dear Dark Lord,

When are you going to give me back my Head and Shoulders shampoo bottle that you have borrowed from me? I really need it. People are starting to talk.

Best wishes,
Severus Snape

Dear soon-to-be-deceased enquirer,

As all my loyal servants know, I absolutely loathe the Muggle rubbish that passes for personal hygiene products - my favourite brand is "Broomswick High Gloss". Which leads me to the conclusion that someone was careless enough to allow himself Polyjuiced.
Note to self: add another round of Crucios to Snape's DE exercise schedule

As for your own worthless existence: AVADA KEDAVRA !

Cordially,
Lord Voldemort

---------------------------------------

To You-Know-Whom It May Concern,

We are writing to request your assistance in verifying that Draco Malfoy has been actively involved in service through your organization. Please complete and return the attached Death Eather Service Verification form.

The information we obtain will assist us in developing evil youth committed to action through opportunist service in their respective magical communities. It will inform our Dark Arts and Crafts curriculum, Dark Wizard volunteer training, evil youth development model and overreach strategies. Please take a moment to fill out the attached form and return it to our office.

I want to thank you in advance for making the time to help us create more unjust and exclusive magical communities through the empowerment of our evil youth.

If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to owl me at the Malladolid Institute for Dark Witches and Wizards.

Yours in destruction and extermination,
Muertita Bebedor,
Magister of Dark Arts and Crafts,
Headmisstres of Malladolid Institute

Dear Madame Bebedor,

I regret to inform you that the above mentioned Draco Malfoy was a total flop in my organization. Seeing as his parents were even worse, I must give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that his dismal failure at Death Eating was the result of a bad gene pool. However, I would suggest that you do not waste your time with him, and should he continue bothering you, a quick use of my two favorite words* would be my recommendation.

Yours, the most intimating and excruciating,

Lord Voldemort

*there is an ongoing debate among my followers as to whether the said words are "I'm awesome", "Nagini-pooh", or "Avada Kedavra". While the first is, of course, true, it is not in my usual mode of expression, and on any fool who dares to suggest the second, I immediately use the third. I will leave it to you to decide which would be appropriate in this instance.

Sincerely, Voldie


~~~~~~



Dear Dark Lord,

As a result of my acquaintance with Harry Potter, I frequently hear stories about the horrible things you've done to people. I was merely wondering whether it had occurred to you that this character trait might stem from a prolonged case of Squeaking Squips. They tend to live on the skin of reptilian creatures, and as I hear you have frequent exposure to such an animal, I'm afraid your general vileness might stem from the Squips. My daddy says that they can do odd things to people, and he is generally right.

~Cordially,

Luna Lovegood

Ms Lovegood,

You nitwit. You're worse than your father! Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort.

_________________


Dear Tom,

Can I have your autograph????

A Crazed Fan

Dear Dark Lord,

When are you going to give me back my Head and Shoulders shampoo bottle that you have borrowed from me? I really need it. People are starting to talk.

Best wishes,
Severus Snape

This is absolutely excellent! :lol:



Dear Tom,

Can I have your autograph????

A Crazed Fan


Dear Crazed Fan

Why you certainly can have an autograph! As a matter of fact I will try to give you a special one to match Harry Potter's!
Hmm...Now lets hope I get this right! If not...you asked for it!
AVADA KADAVRA!

Sincerely
Greatest Wizard of all time (Also the most witty) :lol:

**********

Dear You-Know-Who (is it awkward to call you that? hmm i suppose it would be...)

Hi there...I was wondering if maybe perhaps you might like to come over one day for a spot of tea?
I know your feelings towards me are not the usual father son feelings...seeing how you killed me and everything...but I figured this is no reason we can't start fresh! People have told me you are just as handsom as I am and I am looking very foward to seeing you again...hoping it won't turn out as last time of course. Perhaps we can do some father-son things, like attend a "Kwidich match" or something of the like! whatever you prefer!

please respond to this letter using the mailing system as I am dreadfully allergic to your usual means of mailing-owls.
thank you in advance for obeying my fatherly wishes

Love your Father

Dear muggle ahem-father-ahem,

Are you sure about the handsome thing? It has been a while and I'm not like as I used to be... YOU SEE IM 50 YEARS OLD AND A DEAD EVIL WIZARD!!!

Signed with my usual sig,
AVADA KEDAVRA

-------------------------------------------------

Hey old enemy,

I just wanted to post you 3 words with this owl. I think you'll find them extremely accurate. "I BEAT YOU!" HAHA.

Not sincerely yours,
Harry Potter

Dear Boy Who Was Lucky Enough to Have a Mummy Who Loves Him and Far More Talented Friends,

You may have killed me, but at least I don't have to be part of the Weasley family. I would say that, in the end, I came out on top.
__________________________________

Dark Lord,

Why did you never indulge me in my love for you? You could have at least pretended!

-Your Devoted Warrior
Bellatrix Black

Death Eater Black,

I do not believe in love. Do not allow conceptual impairments of this kind to compromise your performance on the battlefield.

That said, I have indulged you many times in the past. You have simply been denied the luxury of keeping these indulgences in your memories.

-Voldemort

To The Dark Lord,

The Dementors request your presence at our annual Soul-Sucking Halloween Escapade.

Do attend. And bring some souls with you. We have a voracious appetite around this time of the year.

-Head Dementor

That said, I have indulged you many times in the past. You have simply been denied the luxury of keeping these indulgences in your memories.



That's just wrong

To The Dark Lord,

The Dementors request your presence at our annual Soul-Sucking Halloween Escapade.

Do attend. And bring some souls with you. We have a voracious appetite around this time of the year.

-Head Dementor

Head Dementor-

NO.

- The Dark Lord.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the Dark Lord and great master,

Would you have any tips on killing an enemy? I'm not poking fun at you, but any methods that you know of would be wonderfully useful. You see (well, not literally), my.....friend is really getting on my nerves. OK, it's my brother, but hey- he is just worse than Harry Potter, the boy who wouldn't just die. Crucio does not work on him anymore, it's like he has grown immune, however that is possible.

If you don't kill me, I'll expect a Crucio, at least.
Thank You For Your Time
Sincerely
Keep It Dark (or KID- whichever is more convenient for you to use when sending me to death)

He splits his soul into seven as Lord Voldemort did,that's the only explanation,
thanks for your kindly offer of becoming the menu tonight..nobody survives
after knowing my biggest secret next after foot manicure..nobody

DINNER,NAGINI

I regret it,Dark Lord
-------------------------------

Dear Mister Voldemort,
you have won the 'Most Fascinating Smile' award in our magazine,
will you come to the press conference next Sunday at Three Broomstick?
thank you,

your 3/4's,
Luna Lovegood,
sub-editor ofThe Quibbler

He splits his soul into seven as Lord Voldemort did,that's the only explanation,
thanks for your kindly offer of becoming the menu tonight..nobody survives
after knowing my biggest secret next after foot manicure..nobody

DINNER,NAGINI

I regret it,Dark Lord
-------------------------------

Dear Mister Voldemort,
you have won the 'Most Fascinating Smile' award in our magazine,
will you come to the press conference next Sunday at Three Broomstick?
thank you,

your 3/4's,
Luna Lovegood,
sub-editor ofThe Quibbler

Un-Dear Luna,

You are a part of the order of the phenoix, you helped destroy my propchey, you're harry potters friend.

How do I know when I get there the order won't try to do something?

No I will not come.

Your hatefully, Lord Voldemort.

___

Dear Lord Voldemort.

Our orginzaion of ulimate evil has really started to take off.

We're starting a monthly magazing, would you be willing to have a picture taken for the front?

We have already decided to name you "Ulimate Person of evil of all time, and will ever be"

Because you are the best at being evil.

And we are also looking for a president as our former one.. he.. erm.. he died. He just got up and ran into a wall.

This would mean the world to the organization of evil.

I hope you will consider it.

~spook~

Dear Lord Voldemort.

Our orginzaion of ulimate evil has really started to take off.

We're starting a monthly magazing, would you be willing to have a picture taken for the front?

We have already decided to name you "Ulimate Person of evil of all time, and will ever be"

Because you are the best at being evil.

And we are also looking for a president as our former one.. he.. erm.. he died. He just got up and ran into a wall.

This would mean the world to the organization of evil.

I hope you will consider it.

~spook~

Spook
No.
I prefer to keep a low profile. Who can take a villain posing in a magazine seriously? And the idiotic demise of your former President doesn't say much for the calibre of the members of your organisation.
Write to me again and I shall send you a curse by post.

The Dark Lord

PS Fool- did you believe you would get away with wasting my time so easily -Postal Crucio!


Dear Dark Lord Masster,

You haven't given me anyone to eat in sssooo long. Ssscaring Wormtail is only ssso much fun when I can't actually eat him. Pleassse can I eat ssssome of the more ssstupid Death Eatersss?

Love and hissssessss
Nagini

Nagni,

Seeing as you were killed by an almost-Squib, I'm not going to feed you. Rot in hell.


Your master.

------------------------------------------------------

Dearest, most all mighty Dark Lord,

Hello. Could you please, PLEASE give me a new arm? This one is rusting up. Of fourse, you may do as you please, sir, I only want more than one hand to assist you with, my lord.

Your loving servant,
Wormtail

Wormy,

No. I want you to die. Go get tetnus.

DL
**********************

My Lord,

I'm having tea tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

Love

Bella

Bellatrix,

I would accept tea, but since you are planning to sneak a love potion in it, I must decline. You see, I am the most accomplished legilimens of our times, you cannot possibly think I would fall for a silly love potion. Your timid advances are not welcome, as I have told you before. I have in the past tried to crucio the notion into your impermeable head, but I have no time for such nuisances. In the future, please refer to Severus for any communication you wish to have with me. I should also add that it would be advisable for you to "communicate" more often with Severus, I'm sure you'll find him rather engaging.:eyebrows:

Voldemort

----------------------------------------------------------------

My dearest Dark Lord,

Would it be possible to introduce some changes in the traditional couture of Death Eater's robes? You see, I'm rather short, and the long cloaks and black do not favour me at all. I would also like to add that it is most inconvenient for Death Eaters abroad such as myself, since it can get rather hot in the summer. Could we perhaps adopt black shorts and flip-flops?

Yours in undying loyalty,

Melisa

Melisa,

No. I get discounts on black robes from Borgin and Burkes, and there's no way I'm letting some STUPID FASHION-MINDED DOLT talk me into overhauling the Death Eater wardrobe AGAIN. (Although I must admit that the black robes have worked in the interest of intimidation and conquest much better than the pink miniskirts we had before.) If you have any more empty-headed and frivolous concerns along the same lines as this one, I must refer you to Lucius Malfoy and politely ask you both to go boil your heads.

Your Dark Lord,

Voldemort.

P.S. I changed my mind. Avada Kedavra!!!!

____________________

Dear Dark Lord,

As you know, I hate holding grudges, and I really felt terrible about all the time we in the Order spend killing your Death Eaters. Would you like to get together for a cup of tea sometime? Maybe we can work toward burying the hatchet. :)

Respectfully,
Remus Lupin

Mr Lupin,

There is nothing I would like better, perhpas you would like to meet me at Madame Puddifoot's tomorrow at three? I look forward to seeing you.

Respectfully Yours

Lord Voldemort /The Dark Lord

_________________

Voldy,

I've seen you on the dance floor. Are you sure you're the Dark Lord 'cause I think you're the Lord of the Dance! Owl me back,

Much love,
A troubled fan.

Voldy,

I've seen you on the dance floor. Are you sure you're the Dark Lord 'cause I think you're the Lord of the Dance! Owl me back,

Much love,
A troubled fan.

Dear idiot,

You've clearly been reading too much of that ludicrous Quibbler. I can see no other source for such an idea. I have certainly never paraded around a dance floor- I have more important things to do, such as take over wizarding Britain. Also, how dare you address the Dark Lord as Voldy?!. With both these insults in mind, Avada Kedavra!

Yours sincerely,
The Dark Lord Voldemort


Dear Dark Lord,

Thanking you again for the lovely job as Head of the Muggleborn Registration Commission. I am having such a pleasant time doing my duties here. However, I would like to request ten minutes alone with Potter and Granger when you capture them - I owe them punishment for an incident with centaurs the naughty little brats caused.

Yours sweetly,
Delores Umbridge

Delores-

You deserved it, just admit it. Even I wouldn't do what you did that year, and I'm the Dark Lord.

- Lord Voldemort
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to the Dark Lord:

Look, so we haven't gotten off on the right foot here. Crucio me to your hearts content for the following:
Do you like Chocolate? if so, what kind?
if you don't, you need chocolate. it helps in concentration.

A most likely dead Slytherin,
KID
P.S: Nothing You Do Can Kill Me. I have the key to immortality.

to the Dark Lord:

Look, so we haven't gotten off on the right foot here. Crucio me to your hearts content for the following:
Do you like Chocolate? if so, what kind?
if you don't, you need chocolate. it helps in concentration.

A most likely dead Slytherin,
KID
P.S: Nothing You Do Can Kill Me. I have the key to immortality.


Dear Fool,

You most certainly do not have the key to immortality! You're a cheeky little fellow, as such you must be destroyed. No, I will not tell you my favorite kind of chocolate.

AVADA KEDAVRA!

Lord Voldemort
____________________________________________

Deer VoLdieMor

HI! Mai naim iZ Draico MALfoy. My DADDY KeePz teLin mee hoW cOOL u r! i tink ur awSum 2! i wan 2 B jus liek u wen i grO up! i evn wAn to liv in albanYa! plz teech mee how 2 b a Powrful n gr8 wizrd liek u!

Ur so kewl,
Drayco MalFoi

(Draco is around 5 years old here. Awww!)

Hmm, a truley loyal follower. I wonder how I can systematically crush his spirit for ten years?

Master Malfoy

Thankyou for your support in these dangerous times, would you mind making friends with a Mr Harry Potter for me, it would be most helpful. Oh and give your dad a clip round the ear from me for his disloyalty and inform him that more punishment will come later.

Kind regards,
The Dark Lord

PS. Please don't use the word 'die' in my name.. *crucio*

___________

The Dark Lord,

I know your secret.

I will not reveal it if you do these things,
1. Send me a box.. no a crate of chocolate frogs
2. Dance down Diagon Alley in your pants
3. Kiss a flobberworm

If you don't then I will reveal your families secret recipe for chilli con carne.
Reply before midnight next week or face the horrible consequences!

Yours,
Neville Longbottom

The Dark Lord,

I know your secret.

I will not reveal it if you do these things,
1. Send me a box.. no a crate of chocolate frogs
2. Dance down Diagon Alley in your pants
3. Kiss a flobberworm

If you don't then I will reveal your families secret recipe for chilli con carne.
Reply before midnight next week or face the horrible consequences!

Yours,
Neville Longbottom


Longbottom,

I knew there was a reason I chose Potter instead of you. I don't even know my family recipe for chilli con carne. As for your demands, do you believe me to be a participant in a foolish adolescent game of dares? Horrible consequences? I'll tell you about horrible consequences, I shall send Bella to your dwelling place. I believe she is already familiar with your family.

Sincerely,
The Dark Lord


Dear Dark Lord

I would like to know if you are really using Heliopaths to fight for your side now. My father says some have been sighted in Britain but they're usually only found in warmer countries so it's really very interesting.

Sincerely,
Luna Lovegood

Loony,
Stop writing me. it's highly irritating.
AVADA KADAVRA!
Lord Voldemort
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Voldy-
C'mooonnnnn!
obviously, i'm not dead. so, i do have the key to immortality. LOVE. you fool you!
-KID
PS: I'm not a little fellow, i'm a fangirl. :p
PPS: You may not be a fan of muggle music, but try and check out the Beatles. there i one song you should listen to: All You Need is Love.

You highly irritating and annoying little KID,

I don't approve of any fangirls, not to mention of MUSIC! And I would also like to inform you that I have more love than you can ever imagine!!! OMG, I had to become so angry since that silly Potter AVADA KEDAVRA'D me!!! So stop writing to me or I'll crucio you even if you have the key to immortality!!!

Not really yours,
The Dark Lord

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just think that is the way he would react! :lol:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Voldy,
i just wanted 2 inform yah dat mah online account T_A strongly dislikes u 4 makin ur DeathEaters kill Lupin n Tonks!!! Ugh!!! They were mah fave fictional characters!!! Crucio!!!
Hatefully urs,
T_A

P.S.: Oh, BTW, Protego! (leik yay!, ya cant avada kedavra meh now:P)

Dear Voldy,
i just wanted 2 inform yah dat mah online account T_A strongly dislikes u 4 makin ur DeathEaters kill Lupin n Tonks!!! Ugh!!! They were mah fave fictional characters!!! Crucio!!!
Hatefully urs,
T_A

P.S.: Oh, BTW, Protego! (leik yay!, ya cant avada kedavra meh now:P)

Fool,
I am not concerned in the least that you dislike me. In fact, most people I meet, especially Muggles, dislike me immensely. Envy of my greatness. That and they don't exactly like the consequences of irritating me. Nor am I concerned over the deaths of a werewolf and an Auror. Protego will be no defence against the snake venom the parchment you are holding is soaked in.

Sincerely,
The Dark Lord


Hi Voldy,

Please find enclosed a sample of some of our newest products, U-No-Poo and Edible Dark Marks. We'd appreciate your feedback as you and your band of goons were the inspiration behind them.

Sincerely,
Fred and George Weasley

Fred and George,

It's extremely unwise for you to insult the Dark Lord as such. The Dark Lord will not take criticism lightly, and without a tinge of doubt, you shall be punished for your insolence. However, the Dark Lord values courage, oh yes. And furthermore, I see that you hail from generations of pure-bloods, and any magical blood split is magic wasted. Come on over to the dark side. We might use inventive skills like those you possess.

Playing the last game of tolerance,
The Dark Lord

-------

Lord Voldemort,

Serving you is, and will always be, my greatest pleasure. For future reference, I would love to be relocated to areas where young blood is ample and in endless supply. I don't like turkey and ham that much.

Fenrir Greyback

Greyback, my faithful servant

Such an eloquent display of groveling skills deserves a reward. Report to Bellatrix first thing in the morning - you are being relocated to St Mungo's blood transfusion ward.

Your Lord and Master,
Voldemort

- - -

Dear Mr Riddle,

In view of your blatant and persistent flaunting of my title, which constitutes a breach of copyright (section A13, paragraph 274 of Intergalactic Copyright, Designs and Patents Act), I have been forced to take more drastic actions.

You can expect my highly illegal representative soon.

Sincerely,
Supreme Commander Darth Vader
Dark Lord of the Sith

Vader, Vader, Vader... when will you learn?

I do not own you anything, especially not an explanation.
Though I can give you two words... AVADA KEDAVRA!

Voldemort.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Mister Voldemort.

I saw you last friday on waltmart bying milk when I noticed your fine, fine shirt. I was just wondering where you got it from.

Hugs and kisses, Gilderoy Lockhart

Lockhart,

The Weasley boy's wand obviously had an adverse effect on your powers of thought and reason. Lord Voldemort does not frequent Muggle stores. If you see the scummy impostor again, kindly give him my regards and these two words:

AVADA KEDAVRA!

~Voldemort

____

hI>> i just wantd 2 no if U hav seen potter puppet palzzz!!1! their totaly AwEsOmE!!1 tWilight iz guud 2 hav U red it U wud bee hawtter if U sparkld like EdWaRd!!! -a fan!!

I have not. I have not seen that. i heard i blew peope up in it though. And no i will never read that book AVADA KEDAVRA
.................................................. .
Dear voldemort,
I challenge you to a duel in the afterlife 2morrow. The loser has to give the winner one afterlife dollr. Do you Accept
Hating u,Albus Dumbledore

Dear Albus Dumbledore,

YOUR ON!!!

With much hate,
LV

***********


Dear Massster,

I'm sstill hungary after you gave me thossse mugglesss.
Get me a Chesssburger and a ssshake with ssssome whipped ssssugary sssalty cream with extra ssssprinkles

Your loving sssssssnake that hassss an everlasssting hunger

Nagini

My dear Nagini,

Are you incompetent? You're a snake, hunt your food. I shall not feed you fast food as I have a particular...interest in your health and longevity. If you can catch Wormtail, you may eat him. Do be sure to eat him in human form, as that will keep you from complaining about food for longer.

Sincerely,
The Dark Lord


Dear Dark Lord
You may have heard of me, as I am one of the most prominent journalists and biographers in the wizarding world. I thought it might be interesting to hear your version of events, and relay them to the wizarding public. Please owl me at your convenience to arrange an interview.

Yours sincerely
Rita Skeeter

Dear Rita skeeter

I have no intrest in you please go away

With no intrest
LV

*****
Dear the man who let the boy live

It was supposed to be an easy job but could you do it? WRONG!!! I knew i should have trusted wormtail...

Fellow Death eater who is obsessed with your snake.

Dear 'Death Eater',

How kind of you to send your thoughts.
Please leave a name and a current adress where you can be contacted, I will send some of my 'friends' shortly to thank you in person.

Yours Creepily,
The Dark Lord

___________


Mr Tom Riddle,

I'm afraid to say that the last time I saw you was when you were a little boy! It's been far too long Tom and I'd love to catch up, I hope you've led a good life!

Hope to hear from you soon,
Mrs Cole.

Mrs. Cole,
I have two words for you. AVADA KEDAVRA!

Voldemort

_____________________

My Lordship,

How do you fare in the afterlife?

Your servant forever,
Bellatrix

Dearest Bellatrix, my Most Crazed One,

Might I remind you that you are here in the afterlife with me.

I realize your fury at being killed by that woman (cruder words come to mind, believe me) is so intense that you have not yet come to grips with your death, but please, dear one, it is time to move on. I mean, it has been, er, eleven years now?

Once you have accepted your death, we can be together again.

Affectionately,
Your Lord

* * * * *
Voldy,

You are now gone
We miss you not
You used to hiss
Now you look like snot

Love,
Peeves the Poltergeist

Dear peeves...
AVADA KEDAVRA
hating you, voldemort

************

Dear massssssssssssssssster.
how are you? how'sssssssssssssssssssssssss the afterlife treating you well?

Assuming this is Nagini,

Not very well. I'm not alive or in power. You should be feeling the same right?

Your Master,
Voldemort

--------------

Dear son,

We never got to meet at all. Now that you are dead like me, would you like a visit from your dear loving mother?

Merope Gaunt

Dear Mummy,

OF COURSE! I would love to see my mummy! Will you buy me candy? How about some toys? Yes,I would love to visit the mummy who left me in such an awful state!

You idiot.

ADVADA KERVADA!

Wait,your already dead.

CRUCIO!

Yours truly,
Voldemort.

PS I would seriously like some candy,though.

**********

Dear Voldemort.

I am the long-lost sister of that Hermione Mudblood,and I am ashamed. Could you possibly take me into your ranks? I will do anything,ANYTHING just to get onto your good side. I shall even kill my sister and wretched Muggle parents. I know I am a Gryffindorr,but I very much wish to be Slytherin. I cannot control my blood status,nor could you. I am sorry because of that,and ashamed.

Yours Truly,
Rachel Granger.

Dear rachel,

How dare you insult my blood line!!!!
For that i will give you this...

AVADA KEDAVRA

with much hate, LV

***********************************************

Dear voldemort,

i challenge you to a duel to the death!
Oh wait a minute you already died. HA HA HA HA

from a random person who hates snakes, death eaters, the dark mark, and your ugly face.

Dear random person,

so you hate my ugly face do you? well just for that i will come back from the dead...[or wherever my torn up soul is located] and AK you when you least expect.

Kind Regards,

LV

---------

My lord,

am I your favorite?

yours truly,

Bellatrix

So, Voldemort, you think your soul will be able to sustain you again, do you? Well, you realize that Severus' picture is full of his knowlege? Between Snape and Potter, you don't stand a chance. Anyway, your not "full blood", anyway! Your father was a muggle!! Own up to yourself and get a life (oh, that's right, you can't!)

If your girlfriend Bellatrix writes you again, let her know that Snape is in love with the picture of a beautiful witch in the headmaster's office.

half blood witch at hogwart's

Witch person thingy,

AVADA KADAVRA!

Voldemort

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Voldemort,
hi harry potter here and i was sorta wondering, HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET ON THE BACK OF QUIRLLES HEAD!! I MEAN DUDE THAT WAS AWSOME!!!!

Harry Potter

Mr. Potter,
Quirrell was nothing more than a host. I basically sucked the life out of him to stay alive!! Boy, was he stupid--especially for a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!!!! He served me well, and I was able to dispose of him when I no longer needed him.
the Dark Lord


Dear Voldemort,
You are the true Dark Lord, and I'm ready to leave Rudolpho for you. I will do whatever you wish in exchange for your eternal love. Please contact me-----SOON.

Love,
Bellatrix

Bella,
i do not have feeling there fore it means i do not love you, you have served me well but you failed my wishes

Voldemort

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Voldy,

YOUVE GONE MOLDY!! HAHAHAHA!!

Peeves the ploterguest

Lord Voldemort,
Oh, Voldy. I thought we could by Lord and Lady Voldemort and rule the world together. I know you are incapable of love, but I could help you become powerful. I promise to leave Rudolpho and serve only you. I would worship you and do anything you say. Please reply.

Love and obedience,
Bellatrix



Lucius,
You need to get Rudolpho off the bottle and tell him to get his wife to leave me alone. maybe he should go see her in Azkaban for a ..... visit. She'd like that, I think. Really, this "love" stuff--Bellatrix is driving me crazy. If her husband doesn't do...whatever they "do" soon, I may have to AK her!!! This "love" business is strange, I don't understand it, and don't want to. Now, I am the Dark Lord--do as your told. GO.

Voldemort

Old Voldy,
i guess you didnt get my last letter!
YAY! YAY WE DID IT WE DID IT!
WEE POTTERS THE ONE!
VOLDYS GONE MOLDY!
NOW LETS HAVE SOME FUN!!

Peeves the ploterjest

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Lord,
sigh... ok My lord, i will...

Lucius

Voldemort,
Lucius asked me to talk to my wife and...visit her. I don't care anymore. First, she loves me, then she chases after Snape (and doesn't care if I know it or not), and now she wants you. Well, you can have her!!!

Rudolpho


Peeves,
You'll see.....


I'm waiting for the right time to...

Voldemort

old Voldy,
YOUR DEAD! WHAT COULD YOU DO, YOU OLD MAN VERSION OF A HAG! hahha! YOUVE GONE MOLDY!

Peeves the ploterjest

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rodolphus,
NO! ID RATHER AK HER! YOU TAKE HER IF YOU DONT WANT HER TO BE DEAD! you have till midnight tomorrow night to make up your disision if you do not she will be killed on the spot

Lord Voldemort

Dear Dark Lord,
I did not mean to offend you in any way. I was merely offering you Bellatrix, of course I do not demand that you take her!!! I will have Narcissa look after her--I can't take her whining anymore! But, if you know of any death eaters who would like to have her as a wife, I'm sure she would be interested.

Rudopho

Dear Delores,
I am writing to let you know that I have not forgotten you or how you have served me. I know you are in Azkaban awaiting trial. Know that I will continue to take any support for the cause you can give. However, I cannot go out with you. I simply don't care about that stuff.

Voldemort

Voldemort,
I have seen the error of my ways master, can you please help me get Rudolpho back? I miss him so...

Bella

-------------------------------------

Voldemort,
I have decided NOT to help you, seeing as you want to kill Mudbloods (i really dont care for them) and halfbreeds, since my daughter is going to be a half breed, i can not assist your there, but, if you decide that you only wish to kill those filthy mudbloods, i will help in any way I can

Delores

Dear Delores,

Fine! In that case...AVADA KEDAVRA!

Yours most evilly,
Voldemort


Dear Voldemort,

What do you think of Ralph Fiennes' portrayal of you?

--An admirer

Admirer,
first of all, if you admire me so, come join me!
second of all, IT WAS HORIBALL! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY! I HAVE A NOSE IN REAL LIFE YOU KNOW!!

Voldemort

-------------------------------

Bella,
of course, you were most loyal to me in my time of, lets call it, "great peril" and therefor you shall be rewarded

Voldemort

My lord,

I will gladly join you. Also, though I know I'm going to be cursed in the end for this, I need to come out and admit that I think the neck movement Ralph Fiennes did in the fifth film (while impersonating you) was rather sexy.

-Misnomer

Misnomer,
true, true... anyhow, so, come to malfoy manor tonight to get your arm branded

Voldemort

My lord,

*yawn* Good morning. Yes, of course I'll come to Malfoy Manor tonight, but you have to remember it's Thanksgiving today in America. So I will come, but it might be hard to get away from my relatives (especially a certain seven-year-old cousin named Lauren).

-Misnomer

Misnomer,
Of course, I understand, kids :rollseye: when will they learn that when the adult in charge is someone they HAVE to listen to... tisk tisk tisk, you need to teach this "Lauren" some manners

Your merciful Lord,
Voldemort

Misnomer,
I haven't gotten any reply from you! Will it help if I promise to AK someone you love if I don't hear from you in24 hours? Thought so.

Lord Voldemort





Dear Lord,
I am sorry to tell you that I am having trouble with the tatoo charm and potion. For some reason, it won't "take", and looks a lot like those temporary tatoos the muggles enjoy (I know, disgusting!). I hate to bother you, oh powerful one, but I really need your help. Thank you in advance.

Respect Always,
Bellatrix

Bellatrix,

If you refer to me that way once more, Nagini is going to be dining on Lestrange sauté. For the Merlin-knows-which time: it's DARK Lord, not "Dear Lord"!

Darker than Black,
Lord Voldemort


_ _ _


My Lord,

That silver hand you gave me... well... it might not be silver after all. I've developed a terrible rash.

Would you mind Transfiguring it to titanium?

Your humble servant,
Peter Pettigrew

Wormtail --

Are you insinuating that I, the Most Powerful Dark Wizard Of The Age, don't know how to create a simple silver hand on the stump of a most undeserving maggot of a servant? I daresay your rash is from some disgusting filth you've recently crawled through.

Try washing yourself sometime and apply some Itch Away salve -- I'm sure Dear Severus would be ever so pleased to whip some up for you. Failing that, I recommend clear nail polish at the juncture of the hand and your wrist. If that also fails, I will consider, in my beneficence, transfiguring your hand into hypoallergenic plastic or some such.

Blacker than the soul of a used broomstick dealer and more evil than a Muggle Internal Revenue Inspector,
I remain,
Lord Voldemort

---------------------------

My Lord,

Could you please apprise me of the date I may expect Pettigrew to be removed from my premises? He is beginning to gnaw on the wainscoting and is leaving his... "calling card", shall we say... all over my favorite books. Not to mention the smell.

Thank you, and most respectfully,
Ever your ob'd't servant,

Severus Snape

snape,its called fabreeze.may i suggest the strawberry scented?it really helps with the rodent smell.

The last person didn't give a new question for old Voldy, so he's just going to answer this one again.

My Lord,

Could you please apprise me of the date I may expect Pettigrew to be removed from my premises? He is beginning to gnaw on the wainscoting and is leaving his... "calling card", shall we say... all over my favorite books. Not to mention the smell.

Thank you, and most respectfully,
Ever your ob'd't servant,

Severus Snape

Dearest Severus,

Don't be so impatient. Wormtail might be completely incompetant, true, and rather disgusting in his rat form, and quite frankly not much better in his human form, not to mention how stupid and annoying he is, but...

...actually I can't find any redeeming qualities in him whatsoever. Go ahead and kill him if you like.

----------------------------------------

Dear Voldewhosiwhatist,

Although I detest anything having to do with your abnormal magical world, I must congradulate you on your attempts to rid me of my nephew. That blasted Potter is such a wretched boy. I was just wondering when you might be getting on with it? If I have to put up with him for one more summer I'm going to explode!

Sincerely,

Vernon Dursley.

What... is... this, I wonder... could it be a missive from a Muggle?? Indeed, I can barely bring myself to touch it, much less make sense of the semi-literate scratchings thereon.

However, Mr -- erm, Dursley, is it? Rest assured I shall be attending to The Boy Who Lived in short order. Perhaps I could call upon you for some information on his current whereabouts? I'll just... pop in, shall we say... and don't worry, I'll see myself out.

You probably won't be in much condition to do so yourself.

----------------------

Say Noseless:

We're coming for you. Say your prayers. Your life is numbered in mere seconds. Do you have any last wishes?

Mad-Eye

What... is... this, I wonder... could it be a missive from a Muggle?? Indeed, I can barely bring myself to touch it, much less make sense of the semi-literate scratchings thereon.

However, Mr -- erm, Dursley, is it? Rest assured I shall be attending to The Boy Who Lived in short order. Perhaps I could call upon you for some information on his current whereabouts? I'll just... pop in, shall we say... and don't worry, I'll see myself out.

You probably won't be in much condition to do so yourself.

----------------------

Say Noseless:

We're coming for you. Say your prayers. Your life is numbered in mere seconds. Do you have any last wishes?

Mad-Eye

Auror,

Indeed I do have a last wish. I wish that you would realize how utterly foolish your pathetic attempts to thwart me truly are. Surely you realize that your pitiful powers could never even begin to compete with my own? You all shall die a slow and agonizing death for daring to oppose me!

Dearest regards,

Voldemort.

--------------------------------------

Voldemort,

AH HA HA HA HA HA! Foolish little primitive earthling. Although your attempts at becoming a Dark Lord amuse me, surely you must realize how pitiful your feeble powers really are. But you do have potential...join me...I will train you and then your journy towards the dark side will be complete! The combined powers of a Dark Wizard and a Sith Lord would surely be a sight to behold! Will you not join me!

(Please? Sauron already turned me down.)

Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith.

Auror,

Indeed I do have a last wish. I wish that you would realize how utterly foolish your pathetic attempts to thwart me truly are. Surely you realize that your pitiful powers could never even begin to compete with my own? You all shall die a slow and agonizing death for daring to oppose me!

Dearest regards,

Voldemort.

--------------------------------------

Voldemort,

AH HA HA HA HA HA! Foolish little primitive earthling. Although your attempts at becoming a Dark Lord amuse me, surely you must realize how pitiful your feeble powers really are. But you do have potential...join me...I will train you and then your journy towards the dark side will be complete! The combined powers of a Dark Wizard and a Sith Lord would surely be a sight to behold! Will you not join me!

(Please? Sauron already turned me down.)

Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith.

Darth Sidious,

Are you implying that you are as powerful as I am? If so, you must be made aware that you have made a grievous mistake, and that I would never form an alliance with someone who falsely believes himself to be equal to the great, unwavering power that is I, Lord Voldemort.

My powers are beyond anything you could ever imagine, for I have the Elder Wand, the single most powerful wand in existence, stolen from the body of probably the second greatest wizard of all time, who my loyal servant murdered on my own command. When my SERVANTS can kill some of the world's most powerful wizards, I suggest you retract your claim that my powers are "feeble" and see if you can face me yourself.

Also... since your parents are technically not aware of witches and wizards, you are Muggle-born. Pitiful. I would never join a Muggle-born, let alone become, as you are suggesting, his apprentice!

Regards,

Lord Voldemort

--

My Lord,

Wormtail wants to know why you don't have a nose.

I suggest you inflict the Cruciatus Curse on him until he realises how to behave to his vengeful master.

He can't write this letter because if he writes it, he's afraid you will kill him. If I write it, you will only be angered and supposedly, will not curse him.

Please punish Wormtail.

Your faithful servant,

Severus.

Severus,

While my nose may be less pronounced than your bulging beak it most certainly is not missing. I have nostrils and even a bridge. Vanity is nothing to POWER. If Wormtail needs further explanation send him to me directly and I'll show him how to properly use that silver hand I gave him.

Voldy

P.S. I've always had something of a soft spot for you for no explainable reason and I fear it's going to bite me in the end.

__________________________________________________ _________________

Dear Tom,

We've located a few of your things including a yo-yo, a silver thimble, and a mouth organ in your old room at the orphanage and would like to send them to you directly, however your PO Box does not accept large packages. The items have had strange effects on the children such as blank stares, killing roosters, hissing randomly, etc. We fear that they may not be safe around the kids. Please send a forwarding address or make arrangements to immediately retrieve these items or we will be disposing of them.

Thank you,
Mrs. Cole

Severus,

While my nose may be less pronounced than your bulging beak it most certainly is not missing. I have nostrils and even a bridge. Vanity is nothing to POWER. If Wormtail needs further explanation send him to me directly and I'll show him how to properly use that silver hand I gave him.

Voldy

P.S. I've always had something of a soft spot for you for no explainable reason and I fear it's going to bite me in the end.

__________________________________________________ _________________

Dear Tom,

We've located a few of your things including a yo-yo, a silver thimble, and a mouth organ in your old room at the orphanage and would like to send them to you directly, however your PO Box does not accept large packages. The items have had strange effects on the children such as blank stares, killing roosters, hissing randomly, etc. We fear that they may not be safe around the kids. Please send a forwarding address or make arrangements to immediately retrieve these items or we will be disposing of them.

Thank you,
Mrs. Cole


Dear Mrs. Cole,

AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!

Love, Voldermort.

_______________________________________


dear voldamoret

yo so like why is yo nosie gone? and serousley git ah tan. i mean lol you like went boom and ur gone in tha mouvie.

-DJ shang in jersey babe!

Dear Mrs. Cole,

AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!

Love, Voldermort.

_______________________________________


dear voldamoret

yo so like why is yo nosie gone? and serousley git ah tan. i mean lol you like went boom and ur gone in tha mouvie.

-DJ shang in jersey babe!

Dear "DJ Shang in Jersey Babe",

No comment. I shall be dispatching twenty Death Eaters to your area to kill you.

Please have respect for someone as powerful as I.

Regards,

Lord Voldemort.

--

Dear Lord,

I seem to have misplaced my silver hand.

Any chance you could get me another?

Your cowardly servant,

Wormtail.

Dear "DJ Shang in Jersey Babe",

No comment. I shall be dispatching twenty Death Eaters to your area to kill you.

Please have respect for someone as powerful as I.

Regards,

Lord Voldemort.

--

Dear Lord,

I seem to have misplaced my silver hand.

Any chance you could get me another?

Your cowardly servant,

Wormtail.


Dear, Wormtail

Hint: It's on your arm.

Love, Voldermort.

__________________________

deer voldey,

yo like those deth eeterz can to kill me, and ferst thei were like that butt then i gave em teqila and now there happie

-peace and love from DJ shang

To Whom It May Concern:

Any alleged Death Eaters that may or may have not been present at your place of residence, and who may or may not have been ordered to kill you, are simply a figment of your imagination. I have not returned from the grave, I most certainly have not usurped the Ministry of Magic, and I most definitely am not ruling by proxy. However, if you would be so kind as to send me a list of which alleged Death Eaters did and/or did not accept your alleged tequila, I will gladly rectify this situation for you.

Voldemort

----------

Dear Voldemort,

Why do you hate me?

~Harry P.

To Whom It May Concern:

Any alleged Death Eaters that may or may have not been present at your place of residence, and who may or may not have been ordered to kill you, are simply a figment of your imagination. I have not returned from the grave, I most certainly have not usurped the Ministry of Magic, and I most definitely am not ruling by proxy. However, if you would be so kind as to send me a list of which alleged Death Eaters did and/or did not accept your alleged tequila, I will gladly rectify this situation for you.

Voldemort

----------

Dear Voldemort,

Why do you hate me?

~Harry P.

Dear He-Who-Should-Be-Killed,

Shut up, you *****************************************! I am the Dark Lord! I can make 20 character swear words if I want to!!!!

Love, Voldermort.

_________________________________

beer volderdort

um so like this gui nammed lucyis is like passed out behin da bar and tis gui named dawlicks went upstars wit sum grrl come 2 da partey man! its awesummle!

-peace & love baby, from dj shang

Dear DJ. Shang

Despite your atrocious abuse of the English Language, I will gladly come to your party. I'm sure it'll end with a bang or four.

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Voldemort,

Make me.

Love, Harry Potter.

Dear DJ. Shang

Despite your atrocious abuse of the English Language, I will gladly come to your party. I'm sure it'll end with a bang or four.

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Voldemort,

Make me.

Love, Harry Potter.

Dear Mr. P (Ha! Guess what that sounds like!)

I have taken hostage... Umm.... Your..... Towel! Yes, I Voldermort has kidnapped your towel! If you ever want to see your towel again, you must meet me in a dark alley!

Ta ta, Voldermort
_____________________


Dear Tom Marvolo Riddle,

Don't miss out on the chance to win One Million Pounds! Just fill out the form below and give to your cashier at Wal-Mart for a chance to win!


From your friends at Wal-Mart!

Name_____________________

Phone Number____________________

Home______________________________

Your local Wal-Mart____________________

Dear Mr. P (Ha! Guess what that sounds like!)

I have taken hostage... Umm.... Your..... Towel! Yes, I Voldermort has kidnapped your towel! If you ever want to see your towel again, you must meet me in a dark alley!

Ta ta, Voldermort
_____________________


Dear Tom Marvolo Riddle,

Don't miss out on the chance to win One Million Pounds! Just fill out the form below and give to your cashier at Wal-Mart for a chance to win!


From your friends at Wal-Mart!

Name_____________________

Phone Number____________________

Home______________________________

Your local Wal-Mart____________________

To whom it may concern,

You filthy, worthless Muggle companies! How did you get this address? How did you find me? Your days are numbered now, Muggles. I will personally see to it that I curse every single one of you. Your cheap business ploys are nothing compared to my overwheming and unfathomable power! When I am standing over your near-dead body, you will ask yourself why you lie there, stuck and on the brink of your death.

Here is your answer.

Never take Lord Voldemort for a fool.

-Lord Voldemort.

-----------

Dear Mr. Riddle,

I am afraid Dr. Kelley has decided to end his practising of plastic surgery, and that the nose-attachment surgery you were due to undergo two weeks from now has unfortunately been cancelled until further notice. However, may we recommend a hair transplant in the meantime? We have many trained surgeons who would be ready and willing to give you a hair transplant, but of course, it would be expensive, coming to a grand total of 15,000 pounds.

Whether you still want to undergo this surgery is up to you, but the nose-reattachment, as previously mentioned, is now currently on hold until further notice.

Apologies,

Dr. John Poole, St. John's Hospital, London.

To whom it may concern,

You filthy, worthless Muggle companies! How did you get this address? How did you find me? Your days are numbered now, Muggles. I will personally see to it that I curse every single one of you. Your cheap business ploys are nothing compared to my overwheming and unfathomable power! When I am standing over your near-dead body, you will ask yourself why you lie there, stuck and on the brink of your death.

Here is your answer.

Never take Lord Voldemort for a fool.

-Lord Voldemort.

-----------

Dear Mr. Riddle,

I am afraid Dr. Kelley has decided to end his practising of plastic surgery, and that the nose-attachment surgery you were due to undergo two weeks from now has unfortunately been cancelled until further notice. However, may we recommend a hair transplant in the meantime? We have many trained surgeons who would be ready and willing to give you a hair transplant, but of course, it would be expensive, coming to a grand total of 15,000 pounds.

Whether you still want to undergo this surgery is up to you, but the nose-reattachment, as previously mentioned, is now currently on hold until further notice.

Apologies,

Dr. John Poole, St. John's Hospital, London.

Dear Dr. Poole,

IMPERIO!! I'm ready for my nose back! NOW!!!

Love, Voldermort
______________________________________

Dear Dark Lord,

I must know, when can we meet again? I feel closer to you than ever before...

With all my love, Bellatrix

Dear Dr. Poole,

IMPERIO!! I'm ready for my nose back! NOW!!!

Love, Voldermort
______________________________________

Dear Dark Lord,

I must know, when can we meet again? I feel closer to you than ever before...

With all my love, Bellatrix


Bellatrix:

How many times must I tell you, woman that I love no one but myself! Cease and desist this ridiculous infatuation at once!

Not yours,

Lord Voldemort
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Voldy:

You're so adorable when you're angry!

X's and O's,

Bella

Dear Bella,

Please, stop. I really don't want to have to resort to leaving you in a room with Rodolphus in order for you to work off your... frustrations. Besides which, wasn't there a reason you married him instead of me so long ago?

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Voldemort,

You do realize that I'm not hitch-hiking across the country, let alone the galaxy, and thus have no reason to rescue my towel from your clutches, yes?

~ Harry Potter

Dear Bella,

Please, stop. I really don't want to have to resort to leaving you in a room with Rodolphus in order for you to work off your... frustrations. Besides which, wasn't there a reason you married him instead of me so long ago?

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Voldemort,

You do realize that I'm not hitch-hiking across the country, let alone the galaxy, and thus have no reason to rescue my towel from your clutches, yes?

~ Harry Potter


Dear Mr. P

Actually I stole your........favorite DADA teacher! Yes, if you ever want to see dear Professor Umbridge again you better meet me in a graveyard at MIDNIGHT!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Love, Voldermort

___________________


Dear Love

You do know Rudolphus was killed three days ago?

Always yours, Bellatrix

Bellatrix,

Rodolphus was killed? Explain!

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Mister Thomas M. Riddle, Esq.

Didn't we already do that scene?

~H.J.Potter

Bellatrix,

Rodolphus was killed? Explain!

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Mister Thomas M. Riddle, Esq.

Didn't we already do that scene?

~H.J.Potter

Dear Mr. P

Oh yeah... Ummm Meet me at.... McDONALDS!!!!!

Love Voldermort

________________________________

Dear Love

You killed him, thanks! He was very boring and never shut up. Now I'm available!

Love, Bellatrix!

Bellatrix,

Listen to me very carefully. We need the location of your father-in-law's bones, one of the Lestrange house-elves, and Neville Longbottom.

~ Voldemort

----------

Dear Noseless,

Desperate much?

~ HJP

Bellatrix,

Listen to me very carefully. We need the location of your father-in-law's bones, one of the Lestrange house-elves, and Neville Longbottom.

~ Voldemort

----------

Dear Noseless,

Desperate much?

~ HJP

POTTER!!

You stop harassing me now, before I send you a cursed Howler! I'm sure the last thing your filthy friends would like to see you receive would be a Howler that upon finishing its rant, would send acid flying!
You worthless, pitiful excuse for a human being!
My nose re-attachment surgery was POSTPONED! It's not as if it will never be happening!!
You're just as foolish as your idiot parents. Don't you ever send me a letter again, or I will find out where you are, and personally see to it that you and your Muggle friends are promptly destroyed. You by me, Potter.

Yours in anger,

Lord Voldemort.

--

My Lord,

I am deeply sorry to have to ask you this, but in exchange for killing Albus Dumbledore, may I have your autograph for Draco Malfoy? He has been pestering me for your autograph non-stop since he learned of the affiliation.

I would agree with you if you said that Draco Malfoy is a boy on the right path, but still has much to learn regarding the ways in which to deal with you.

Dearest regards,

your absolutely, unequivocally, 100% loyal and non-betraying servant,

Severus Snape.

POTTER!!

You stop harassing me now, before I send you a cursed Howler! I'm sure the last thing your filthy friends would like to see you receive would be a Howler that upon finishing its rant, would send acid flying!
You worthless, pitiful excuse for a human being!
My nose re-attachment surgery was POSTPONED! It's not as if it will never be happening!!
You're just as foolish as your idiot parents. Don't you ever send me a letter again, or I will find out where you are, and personally see to it that you and your Muggle friends are promptly destroyed. You by me, Potter.

Yours in anger,

Lord Voldemort.

--

My Lord,

I am deeply sorry to have to ask you this, but in exchange for killing Albus Dumbledore, may I have your autograph for Draco Malfoy? He has been pestering me for your autograph non-stop since he learned of the affiliation.

I would agree with you if you said that Draco Malfoy is a boy on the right path, but still has much to learn regarding the ways in which to deal with you.

Dearest regards,

your absolutely, unequivocally, 100% loyal and non-betraying servant,

Severus Snape.

Dear Snape

I will give you your autograph....once you bring me a SHRUBERY!!!!!!

Love, Voldermort
_______________________________

Dear He-Who-Ruined-My-Night

I know it was you who made Pottermore screw up!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from, angry fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Angry Fan,

Weasley is our king

Love,
I-Ruined-Your-Life!

--

Dear Voldemort,
:wave:

You don't need Death Eaters.
Why don't you simply run around with a mandrake anda couple of earmuffs?

Your well wisher,
Emeric The evil

Emeric the Not-As-Visionary-As-I,

First of all, why do you refer to yourself as "evil?" Merlin knows that's just an invitation to disaster. Why not "Emeric the Enlightened?"

Secondly, I am not an omnicidal maniac. Yes, I want to see all the muggles and muggle-sympathizers get what's coming to them, but that's hardly omnicidal. That's, like, genocide at best.

Thirdly, as powerful as I am, I do need to delegate certain aspects of the job to the Death Eaters. I can't terrorize the countryside while I'm trying to break into Hogwarts, now can I? Even I can't split myself into pieces.

~Voldemort

----------

My Lord,

I've discovered the secret to unmagical, untechnological, totally unassisted flight. Unfortunately, the method is so ridiculously obvious that the other Death Eaters would screw it up in such a way that they would become the Dead Eaters.

I trust you would be able to master wandless broomless techless flight. Do bring ways of magically slowing your descent if you feel unconfident. We will need a very high location and some books. You select the location, I'll bring the books.

~Severus

Emeric the Not-As-Visionary-As-I,

First of all, why do you refer to yourself as "evil?" Merlin knows that's just an invitation to disaster. Why not "Emeric the Enlightened?"

Secondly, I am not an omnicidal maniac. Yes, I want to see all the muggles and muggle-sympathizers get what's coming to them, but that's hardly omnicidal. That's, like, genocide at best.

Thirdly, as powerful as I am, I do need to delegate certain aspects of the job to the Death Eaters. I can't terrorize the countryside while I'm trying to break into Hogwarts, now can I? Even I can't split myself into pieces.

~Voldemort

----------

My Lord,

I've discovered the secret to unmagical, untechnological, totally unassisted flight. Unfortunately, the method is so ridiculously obvious that the other Death Eaters would screw it up in such a way that they would become the Dead Eaters.

I trust you would be able to master wandless broomless techless flight. Do bring ways of magically slowing your descent if you feel unconfident. We will need a very high location and some books. You select the location, I'll bring the books.

~Severus

Dear Sevywevycoochiewoochiekins,

OMG Like you aare so hort and i cannot tupy fasdt ebough to grt tyos lryyer tp yiu! loke yior syory wik Lile is so cite, ans i kiow you canbe bettwrt wgth me! meet mr at he impires stat ebuiling ay 3!

love, fangirl

Dear Severus,
_____________________________________

Meet me at the Empire State Building at 3. Bring the books.

Hate, Voldy.

Dear Mr. Voldemort:

I got your nose! Want it back? Na-nanny-boo-boo! Stick your head in poo-poo!

Love [not],

Your worst nightmare!

Dear Worst Nightmare,

I like your style. What are you doing tomorrow night?

From, Voldy
_______________________________________

Dear Lucius,

I hear that Muggles have found a way to regrow hair, is this true?

Love, Voldy

Hey Voldy!

I wrote a poem about you!

There once was a dude named Tom Riddle
Who with the Dark Arts he did fiddle
Once more he arose
But Alas, with nose!
And eyes as red hot as a griddle!

Ex Death Eater

Dear Voldy, no that doesn't always work.
Lucius

Draco,
I realise that Halloween is coming up so I am sending you some potion ingredients that you can use with your friends. They are special, hard to get ingredients.
Lord Voldemort

Dear Voldy,

Got nose?

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

*Slices off your nose* No. No, you do not "got nose".

Dark Lord,

Do you even HAVE a soul? I've tried to suck it out of you, late at night, but I'm not getting anything. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother staying here.
-Dementor

Dear Dementor,

No, I split my soul, so you cannot suck anything out. Mwahahahaahahahahhahahahaha!

Sincerely,
Voldemort.

--------

Dear Voldemort,

Who's Da Man? I am 'cause I kicked your butt.

Sincerely,
Harry Potter.

Harry Potter:

You really think so? If I could pull myself back together I'd come after you!

Lord Voldemort
================================================== =================================

My Lord,

Why don't you notice me? I combed my hair for you!

Bellatrix

Bella,

How could I not notice you? You're always flouncing around trying desperately to get my attention. Chill out and go find somebody with a little meat on their bones in Hogsmeade for me. Nagini needs a snack.

The Dark Lord

Dear Voldy,

I just don't understand you! I am always nice to you and you are so mean to me! Who washes your stinky socks without complaining? Me. Who puts up with you Avada Kedavra-ing people left and right and then cleans up behind you? Me. And you are soooo mean to me!

Bellatrix

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Noseless Wonder:

Enclosed is a fake plastic nose and eyeglasses. Wear them well.

Harry Potter

Bellatrix, you do know that I go barefoot, shoes and socks make my feet uncomfortable.
And no-- you may not wash my feet. go, do as I command and get someone for Nagini.
the Dark Lord

Mr. Potter,
I fail to see what a plastic nose and glasses would do for me. Snakes do not need noses.
Lord Voldemort
__________________________________________________ ________________
My Lord,
Narcissa, Draco and I would like to wish you "Happy Holidays".
Lucius

Lucius,

When have you known me to celebrate "the holidays"? However, as a token of my appreciation for your service: I trust whatever you celebrate was to your liking and your family's.

Voldemort

* * * * *

Tommy,

Not sure why you keep following me around, harassing me. Don't you think you should stop before it's too late?

Harry

Harry Potter,

So you think you will best Me? The most Powerful Wizard in the World? I would snort with laughter if I had a nose.

I Am Lord Voldemort

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Mr. Voldemort,

No offense meant, but you don't look too well. Your eyes look bloodshot and your skin looks so pale and pasty. And whatever happened to your poor nose?

Why don't you take some time off and go on a holiday to someplace that's sunny?

Concerned Death Eater

Dear Clueless Minion/aka Concerned Death Eater:

If you're so concerned about my nose, why don't you go out and get me a new one? No...make that 20 new ones...and I don't want any of those inferior quality Muggle noses that the last minion came back with. Twenty good snortable Wizard noses is what I'm after. Hop to it DE, or Nagini's gonna have another late night snack in a day or two.

Your Fearless and Noseless Leader,
Lord Voldemort

***


Dear Dark Lord,

I don't know why but lately I'm been having these very disturbing dreams about you where we're in the laundromat and you keep insisting that I wash your unmentionables.

What do you think that means?

Fastidiously yours,
Nervous Half-Blood

Nervous half-blood,

I should think that's obvious, slave. Get back to work.

~Voldemort

----------

Dear Big Baby V

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
Now that I'm dead,
You will be too.

HJP

Dear Hubris-tainted, Jealousy-inflicted Poophead,

Violets are purple,
Roses are more or less pink,
I am at the end of our ongoing circle,
And you are very much at the brink,
Do not think that I am fazed by your words,
They do not affect those who have unlocked perfection,
While you may be content with gathering in celebrating herds,
You will never know the success of the man with the amazing complexion!

Signed,
Big Baby Dead V
__________________________________________________ ___________________________________________

Mein lieber Tom Riddle,

Wie geht es Ihnen? Well, I better not continue to speak in German, especially judging by your reaction to the helpless German family who you came across while searching for Gregorovitch. I was hoping that we could get together, so that we may discuss methods of tyranny, and how we both, technically, hate our own kind. We will bond over this, I am sure of it, mein Freund!


The other You-Know-Who...

(Hmmm...is this dangerous territory? :rotfl: Oh well, I'm posting it anyways.)

Dear other You-Know-Who,

I am sad (or rather delighted) to say that I cannot meet with you. My mind is far too full at the moment to speak with anyone, but I hope you will accept this enclosed phial of Nagini milk in exchange for my absence. Perhaps another day, preferably during the summer holiday, during which I normally stop planning my evil plans long enough to meet with some old colleagues.

Regards,
Lord Voldemort
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Lord Voldy,

I was wondering why you left those bodies out our manor for us to pick up? I was quite disgusted, and still have not touched them. They are really starting to stink up the place. I was wondering if you could come by and pick the rest up? I'm sure Nagini will enjoy them.

Sincerely,
Lucius

Lucius,
The stench of decaying bodies should not be a new scent to you, my friend. As a longtime member of the Death Eater Boys, I should think that you of all people would have become accustomed to it, to the extent that it has now become rather pleasant and enjoyable. Am I wrong, perhaps? Not to mention that these bodies make a nice addition to your manor, a decoration that it previously lacked. It's not too gaudy, and certainly not too unnoticable. I like it. I am expecting them to be there when I come to visit again, Lucius. And don't attempt to use spells or potions to rid the area of the smell, nor are you allowed to be desperate enough to attempt to utilize muggle Febreze air fresheners. I don't like them. Too clean.

Your Lord

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Herr Riddle,

First of all, I would like to say "Danke" for your timely response. But I believe you are delusional, mein Freund. You are dead. Summer, spring, winter, and fall are no longer seasons to you, merely labels for time, which you may no longer take part in. I am...err...honored that you were kind enough to send me a vial of Nagini's..."milk". However, it is quite horrible, for I will not be able to partake, for I am "Nagini-venom intolerant". Quite unfortunate, really. What? That doesn't exist? Well, might I also add that I happen to be on a strict diet, in which snake milk is not incorporated? Yes, believe it or not, it packs on the pounds. I did not get this teeny mustache naturally, you know! Anyways, do tell me when you are in the mood to talk. I'll stop by your realm between life and death.

Liebe Grusse und Kusse
German muggle