Favorite TV Show Lines

There was a thread like this for movies so why not have one for TV shows? Post your favorite lines from TV shows here.

Mods, I did check and there was nothing like this in this section of the forums.

There's loads of these for me, I could be here all night listing them so I'll try to limit myself!

From Life on Mars:

Sam Tyler - "From the diary, quote, "I killed her. She's been killed. I'm a killer, an ace killer." That particular entry is not awash with ambiguity."

Gene Hunt - [on phone] "Hello, is that the Wizard of Oz?" [to Sam] "The Wizard'll sort it out. It's because of the wonderful things he does."

Gene Hunt - "I thought you said you could multi... story... task... Whatever!"

Gene Hunt - "Y'see, this is why birds and CID don't mix. Give a bloke a gun, it's a dream come true. Give a girl one, and she moans it doesn't go with her dress! Now start behaving like a detective and show some balls."


From Futurama

Professor Farnsworth - [on phone] "Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? ...To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? ...To shreds, you say."

Bender - "I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring."

Fry - "It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?"

Zapp Branigan - "The quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in."

That'll do for now, but I'm bound to return. So many more quotable TV shows! Scrubs, Simpsons, Family Guy, Peep Show, Spaced, and that's just for starters!

The Janitor (Scrubs): You look unhappy. I like that.

Morbo (Futurama): Pathetic humans! Prepare to write down the recipe!

Columbo - 'Just one more thing ...'

Stewie (Family Guy) - 'Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.'

Friends.

(at a charity event for kids, season 6 finale)

Rachel: Phoebe, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?
Phoebe: I’m just helping the kids!
Rachel: How is you drinking helping the kids?
Phoebe: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.

Excellent thread, PBG! :tu:

I could do a million from Seinfeld alone!

Jerry: "Who's gonna figure an immigrant has a pony? I mean, in all the pictures I've seen of people coming into Ellis Island, I never saw one of them on a pony . . . Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country?" :rotfl:

Elaine: "It's over, Soup Nazi, no more soup for you. NEXT!"

George: "I can sense the slightest human suffering."
Jerry: "Are you sensing anything right now?"


More later . . .

Seinfield

"Who is not wearing the ribbon?"

"It feels like an Arby's night."

Spongebob Squarepants

Kevin of the Jellyspotters after Spongebob hits himself in the face as directed:
"Doesn't that hurt you"
Spongebob raises his fist now covered with a metal spiked gloveand says:
"Do you want it to hurt me Kevin?"

Sick and FUNNY!!

BLACKADDER: They do say, Mrs. M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you'll soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.

There was a thread like this for movies so why not have one for TV shows? Post your favorite lines from TV shows here.

Mods, I did check and there was nothing like this in this section of the forums.
I had a similar thread... but it was moved over to another board :). Good job on yours though... I just love these kinds of threads, they're fun to read.

"Everybody's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it on the body of a great white shark - oohhh, suddenly you've gone too far!"
(Futurama)

^^ :lol:


From Venture Bros.

(Brock, Hank, Dean, and Dr. Venture are hanging over the Amazon River)
Brock: Take your time, Monarch, because the minute you finish your little speech, I'm going to kill you.
The Monarch: What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you shmucks, I don't think I'm the one in danger here, considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon, teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever--
Hank: The piranha.
The Monarch: No.
Hank: The shark?
The Monarch: No!
Hank: (pause) The piranha?
The Monarch: NO!! And shut up! This isn't a quiz.


Scrubs:

Elliot: People change: I knew this one migrant worker from our orchard, Rámon. He used to say "I hate apple sauce, it destroys the integrity of la manzana"; manzana is Spanish for apple. Anyway... last time I was home I asked how Rámon was doing: he's vice president of Mott's Applesauce. It's true, Rámon Delgado, look him up on the internet.
Dr. Cox: I will.
Elliot: Don't, I made it up.

Elliot: I'm dating a Murse!
J.D.: Well it's better than dating a mectretary or a manicurist... oh wait, that works.

As one of my favourite shows, Home Improvement has a few memorable quotes

Randy: What did the moron have for breakfast?
Tim: I don't know.
Randy: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast.

Jill: Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school, and filled them with Cheez Whiz.
Randy: But mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek.
Jill: Don't call him that.
Randy: What am I supposed to call him then?
Tim: How about the Whiz Kid?

[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring]
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll breath through his mouth.
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: I think that's called murder.

Randy: [Brad has spelled "Melonology" on a Scrabble board] Melonology?
Brad: The study of melons.
Randy: There is no such thing as melonology.
Brad: Oh yeah? Call the produce department at the grocery store, and find out!
Randy: Who should I ask for, the melonologist?

Whew! That was hard to pick only four!

From Alias:

Agent Marshall Flinkman: [to Jack, randomly and smugly in the middle of an intense op] Vaughn asked me to lunch.

:rotfl:

Lost

Sawyer: What's your problem, Jumbotron?
Hurley: Shut up, Red...neck...man!
Sawyer: Touché.


Jack: You picking up a little Korean there, Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know how to say "faster" and "idiot".

"The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world, day or night, you can always change the channel."
From "Taxi"

From House:

"Anagram for Gregory House: Huge ego, sorry." :rotfl:

Turk: Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim who is a very successful, bulldog of a lawyer
, or you can talk to Ted, who, well-

Ted: My Mom calls me Thunder.

Jen: I'm going to go with the less shiny one.

Jim: Tough break there, Thunder.

Ted: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!

Some Simpsons quotes

Homer: [Opens a letter written with blood on the kitchen table and reads it] OH MY GOD! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! [Reads the letter some more] Oh wait, it's for Bart.

Homer: [after setting his diploma on fire and as the house burns around him] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart!I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad!
Homer: [looking at picture] Aah! They're dogs... and they're playing poker [Homer screams, laughs hysterically and runs away.]

Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines, that's why I had the firemen write me a note!
Marge: [Reading] "Mrs. Simpson, while we were out rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down."
Homer: D'oh! [Ruefully] Lumber has a million uses.

Bart: Okay, I don't want Homer to come on the trip with me, so I'll just ask him and he'll say no. Then, it'll be his fault.
Homer: Okay, I don't want to go on the trip with Bart, so if he asks me... I'll just say yes!
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute! Are you sure this is how this kind of thing works?
Homer: Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because.. I crippled him myself to inspire you.

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Hmm, I don’t think he’s married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there’s lots of foxy ladies out there.
Marge: Homer, didn’t John seem a little… festive to you?
Homer: Couldn’t agree more, happy as a clam.
Marge: He prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn’t?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a homo...
Homer: Right...
Marge: ...sexual.
Homer: [screams] Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won’t tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!

Mr.Burns: Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!
Smithers:You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr.Burns: Precisely.

Smithers: "Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre."
Mr.Burns: "I ought to club them and eat their bones!"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son"."

So many! I imagine I'll be back with more later!

Classic Star Trek

McCoy: "I'm not a magician, Spock, just an old country doctor"
Spock: "As I always suspected"

------------------------

McCoy: "I signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not to have my atoms scattered back and forth across space by this gadget."

From That 70's Show:

Donna (to Eric): I love you.
Eric: . . . I love . . . cake.

:rotfl:

From "Futurama"
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. 'I'm my own grandpa'! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history! (Roswell That Ends Well)

Bender: Bodies are for hookers and fat people! (A Head in the Polls)

Professor Farnsworth: What are those horrible creatures?
Glurmo: Those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work in the factory.
Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them! (Fry and the Slurm Factory)

That's just a few for now.

From "The Simpsons"
Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems. (Homer vs. the 18th Amendment)

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants. (Bart After Dark)

From "Futurama"
Professor Farnsworth: While you were gone, the Globetrotters held a press conference to announce that I was a jive sucka! (Time Keeps On Skipping)

Fry: Bender? Bender? Have you seen my sombrero? (I Second That Emotion)

Linda: At least all those windmills will keep them cool.
Morbo: WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! (Crimes of the Hot)

From "The Office"
Dwight: My father's name? Dwight Schrute. His father's name? Dwight Schrute. His father's name? Dweide Schrude. Amish. (Drug Testing)

Patient: Are you a doctor?

Jarod: I am today

--The Pretender.

Patient: Are you a doctor?

Jarod: I am today

--The Pretender.
I love that line too :).

Man I miss that show, it was so fun to watch every week, not to mention the banter between Ms. Parker and Jarod was just a hoot to watch :lol:.

"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and its time to snatch your mother back from his neon claws!"

(The Simpsons)

It is from the first episode of Veronica Mars (the best tv show ever!)..."Life sucks... then you die".... :lol: It is morbid but perfect at times ...

Mighty B:

"Don't listen to it man, it's how the government controls your mind!" - Weird Hippie Dude

"I'm flying! My father was wrong!" - Penny and Weird Hippie Dude

I found some of mine...

Murphy Brown -- source for most of the Murphy Brown quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094514/quotes)

[the night before Corky marries Will]

Corky: [sobbing] I haven't experienced life!
Murphy: I've experienced life, and I'm here to tell you it's overrated.


Murphy: Men are like soap bars - one is great, two make you throw up.


Jim: I can't hear you. My flesh is being consumed by acid. :lol:


Kay: Oh, good morning, my little worker ants! That's just a figure of speech; I would NEVER compare you to insects. At least not after that sensitivity training seminar those maggots at the network forced me to attend!


Murphy: I was waiting for the universe to dispense some justice but sometimes the universe is just too dang slow. The effects of putting Nair in someone's styling gel, however only take a few minutes. :lol: ;)


Law and Order -- source for some of the quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098844/quotes)

Just gotta love Jerry Orbach ;) :lol:!!

Conduct Unbecoming

Navy Lawyer: Our common goal is punishing a criminal... The military moves to a much quicker beat.
Lennie: You know, Lieutenant, I never had much of a sense of rhythm. :p


Mother Love

(Making an arrest)
OK. Sing along with me Skate. You know the words. You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say...


Progenitor

Lab Technician: It's a photocopy from a machine with dirt on the drums... If you get me the machine and it hasn't been serviced, I can maybe do a positive I.D.
Lennie: Oh, great. We'll organize a line-up of Xerox machines. :lol:


Purple Heart

Mike (looking at a jar found in a discarded jacket): Kinda looks like Silly Putty.
Lennie: Great. We look for a gigantic first grader.



M*A*S*H -- source for some of these quotes (http://swamp4077.tripod.com/mashquotes.htm)

Flagg: I want to make a call.
Henry: Can I get the number for you?
Flagg: I don't know the number.
Henry: Well, then, how can you make the call?
Flagg: I have to throw up. The number's in a capsule.
Henry: Well. I'll just run along.
A Smattering of Intelligence


Flagg: I've got to nip this rotten apple in the bud! This sort of action's contagious. One man decides he's not gonna fight, it catches on, the next thing, you know what you've got on your hands?
B.J.: Peace?
Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler


Flagg: Don't play dumb! You're not as good at it as I am! (Way to go, Captain Obvious :lol: :rotfl:!!)
Rally around the Flagg, Boys


Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel.
Trapper: Swords or pistols?
Hawkeye: I'm thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.
Frank: There are ladies present.
Hawkeye: Sorry, baby.
Margaret: Major to you.
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major baby. :p :rotfl:
Pilot


Potter: Where's your gun?
Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not on speaking terms.
Potter: Go kiss and makeup. You're taking it with you.
Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll just trigger another arguement.
Potter: Pierce, you are taking your sidearm!
Hawkeye, holding up each arm in turn: Correct. I'm taking my right side arm and my left side arm. :lol:
Hawkeye Get Your Gun


Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. (to the gun) You're fired. (to Potter) I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye, snapping his fingers: Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please? :lol:
Hawkeye Get Your Gun


Potter: Take your seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye: Uh uh. Sorry. I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to take five.
Goodbye, Farewell, Amen


Trapper: Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness! :lol:
The Moose

Radar, seeing Klinger in pants: Don't I know your sister? :lol:
The Army-Navy Game

Frank: Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress!
Klnger: Never on a first date, sir! :rotfl:
A Full Rich Day

Frank: How dare you wear that hat while in uniform?
Klinger: It's spring, sir!
Welcome to Korea

Frank: What are those earrings doing in your ears?
Klinger: Just hanging there, sir.
Welcome to Korea

Officer: Klinger, I'm here to relieve you.
Klinger: Good. Undo my bra.
The Abduction of Margret Houlihan

Klinger singing: Oh some guys like the army,
I think that it's a mess.
If it's so danged terrific,
How come I wear a dress?
Movie Tonight

Radar: Hi Klinger, how's it going?
Klinger: I'm eating a jeep.
Radar: Good. :rotfl:
38 Across


Some of my favorite Simpsons quotes: source for some of the Simpsons ones (http://blogzarro.com/2007/07/100-greatest-simpsons-quotes/) source for some more (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096697/quotes)


Ralph: Are you still my friend, Bart? :p

Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.

Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down.

Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet. :rotfl:


Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?

Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit. (since when has it been one?? :p)



Homer: "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"


Lennie: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence of... being a jerk." :lol:



Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.

Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: Okay, I don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: Okay I will! (nice :lol:)



Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?

Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up)



Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!



Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! (hits tree) D-oh!




Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."

Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."



Trent: [walking up] The man knows what he likes.

Homer: Just taking care of business.

Trent: If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steele.

Homer: Homer Si... uh, Max Power.

Trent: Oh, hey! Great name!

Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got it off of a hair dryer.

Trent: [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o' clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?

Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.

Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?

Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?




Homer: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No Tv and no beer make Homer go something something.

Marge: Go crazy?

Homer: Don't mind if I do!



Some of my favorite tv and movie quotes in no particular order:

Golden Girls -- source for some of these quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088526/quotes)


Sophia: Rose, I need some advice too.

Rose: You need advice from ME?

Sophia: Yeah, frightening, isn't it.



Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy! – And so are you, in anything backless.




The Pretender -- source for some of these quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115320/quotes)


Pilot

"Ma'am, the materials on board are highly explosive" -- Sailor, indicating Miss Parker's cigarette
"So am I" -- Miss Parker



Scott Free

"I like ice cream. I really like ice cream" -- Jarod :clap: I like it too!!



Collateral Damage

"Ram - who?" -- Jarod inquiring after a reference to 'Rambo'



Unforgotten Amnesia Clip Show

"I don't care what it cost" -- Miss Parker to Broots
"Well that's good because Jarod charged it to your calling card" -- Broots to Miss Parker

"Did you tell them where you are?" -- Jarod to Argyle
"What do I look like, a road sign?" -- Argyle to Jarod



Back to the Future -- source for some of the quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088763/quotes) source for some of the others (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099088/quotes) source for some of the others as well (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096874/quotes)


Mr. Strickland: I noticed your band is on the roster for the dance auditions after school today. Why even bother, McFly? You don't have a chance, you're too much like your old man. No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley!

Marty McFly: Yeah, well, history is gonna change.



Biff Tannen: Since you're new here, I'm gonna cut you a break... today. So, why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?



[last lines]
Dr. Emmett Brown: Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads. -- this is my all time favorite line :cool:!!


[repeated Line]
Dr. Emmett Brown: Great Scott!



Robin Hood: Men in Tights -- source for some of these quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107977/quotes)


Achoo: Hey, Blinkin!

Blinkin: Did you say "Abe Lincoln"?


Little John: Let me introduce you to my best friend: Will Scarlet.

Scarlet: Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.

[pause]

Scarlet: We're from Georgia.


Man in church: Hey Abbot!

Abbot: I hate that guy! -- Abbot and Costello reference perhaps :hmm:??


Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!

Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.

Robin Hood: He's dead?

Blinkin: Yes.

Robin Hood: And my mother?

Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while... oh, you were away...

Robin Hood: My brothers?

Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.

Robin Hood: My dog, Pogo?

Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.

Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?

Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.

Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?

Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.

[pause]

Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?

- :lol: this was one of the saddest yet ironic moments in the movie...


Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this!

[pause]

Sheriff of Rottingham: YOU'LL pay for this!


Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Achoo.

Crowd: A black sheriff?

Blinkin: He's black?

Achoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles. :cool: -- Achoo rules!!


Robin Hood: By the by, do you know praying mantis?

Achoo: You're looking at him.


[Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls]

Achoo: Man, white men can't jump. :rotfl:


Sheriff of Rottingham: He "deered" to kill a King's dare.

Sheriff of Rottingham: [realizing he said it wrong] He dared to kill a King's deer.


Some of my favorite House-isms :lol: -- source for some of these quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412142/quotes)


Cuddy:"You. In the lobby. Now."

House:"I hurt my leg. I have a note."

- Kids


Chase:"House never gives speeches."

House:"But when I really believe in something, gosh dang it, I gotta chance to make a difference here."

- Role Model


"Everybody's great when they're half-dead." :lol: -- that's me in the morning...

- Euphoria, Part 1


"I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species."

- Sleeping Dogs Lie

Here are some more of my favorite quotes:

Frasier -- source for some of these quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106004/quotes)

[Cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]
Niles: Uh-uh.
[Martin reaches for another piece]
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

Frasier: Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
Niles: You have an idea?
Frasier: No, I'm asking if there's actually a light bulb over my head.

[Daphne is contemplating what it would be like to have a free lifetimes supply of muffins]
Daphne: Now me, I could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins!
[pause]
Daphne: My life suddenly seems long, measured in muffins.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

*note to Mods: I did my best to find the sources for all of these quotes... and if there are any that I missed, source wise, I'm sorry :(. There's only so much that I could do, since it's been so long since I posted this originally.

from friends one of my all time favorites...

Joey - "Look at me--I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!"

From big bang theory

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea!
Sheldon: Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?!
Sheldon: Why? Oho, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oho, what, what, what?
Sheldon: (as Penny picks up the controller) This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are a myriad of weapons, vehicles, and strategies to master, and not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: (explosion from the TV) Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.

I don't know how, but she is cheating! Nobody can be that attractive and this good at a videogame.
-Sheldon (about Penny)

Penny: Wait, Sheldon come back. You forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.(Explosion sound on the tv)
Penny: Ha. Look it's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now, but wait till you need tech support.

Sheldon: I'm not insane! My mother had me tested!

I know it's not a sit-com or soap or anything but...Strictly Come Dancing:

Len: If [insert unlikely event], I'll pickle me walnuts! :rotfl:


Friends:

Joey (to Ross, r.e. Rachael going to Paris): Now that you and her are going to be on different continents...[turns to Phoebe] Right?...

(about Rachel's awful "trifle")
Ross: it tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it.
Ross:...
Joey: What? What's not to like? Jam: goooood; custard: goooood; meat: gooooooooooooood!

(When Chandler is locked out of the big appartment)
(Joey fiddles with lock...nothing happens. Chandler tries the handle again and it's still jammed.)
Chandler: it didn't work.
Joey: Hang on, I'm not finished yet...
(Joey walks back into his appartemnet, then comes flying across the hall and smashed the door down)
Chandler: you are quite the craftsman, Joe.

Some more of my favorites:

The X-Files -- source for some of these quotes (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106179/quotes) source for some these quotes (http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_X-Files)

Arcadia

SCULLY: The local police department were at a dead end so they turned to the FBI. AD Skinner, in assigning us this case, thought a fruitful approach to the investigation would be if we went undercover posing as prospective home buyers as this planned community would seem to hide a dark, possibly murderous conspiracy of silence.
MULDER: You want to make that honeymoon video now? ( :rotfl: )
SCULLY: Rob and Laura Petrie?
MULDER: "Pee-trie."
SCULLY: Mulder, if we ever go undercover again I get to choose the names, okay?

SCULLY: This tells me that you're not taking this seriously.
MULDER: I'm taking it seriously. I just don't understand why we're on it. It's our first catch back on the X-Files. This isn't an X-File.
SCULLY: Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?
MULDER: Wow. Admit it, you just want to play house. Woman, get back in here and make me a sandwich!



(MULDER, SCULLY and PAT VERLANDER enter the house. It is sparkling clean.)
MULDER: Wow. The photos did not do it justice.
(Behind them, some other neighbors are already bringing in boxes and pieces of furniture.)
PAT VERLANDER: (quietly, to other neighbors) Guys, fast, fast now. Come on.
(MULDER smiles down at SCULLY, and pats her on the shoulders. She turns, probably expecting him to help her with the heavy basket, but he turns away looking at the house. She pauses a moment, then sets the basket down on a chair that someone has just carried in.)
MULDER: The previous owners left it so clean.
PAT VERLANDER: What do you do for a living Mr... Petrie? That's right, isn't it?
MULDER: (big grin, putting his arm around SCULLY's shoulders and hugging her) Yeah, I, uh... I work mostly at home which is great for Laura because she gets me all to herself. ( rather ironic considering they live together now ;) :lol: )
PAT VERLANDER: (laughing) Oh.



MULDER: Oh, yeah. Nothing weird going on around here. (following SCULLY) Hey... ooh, wait a minute. You didn't let me carry you over the threshold.
(SCULLY takes off her coat and faces MULDER.)
SCULLY: You ready?
MULDER: Let's get it on, honey.
SCULLY: (smiles) All right, then. (She hands him a pair of latex gloves and goes to the box that BIG MIKE dropped and opens it. Sound of glass rattling. She pulls out a piece of broken lab equipment and sighs.)


I just love this part :rotfl: --


(SCULLY comes out of the bathroom. She has a terrycloth headband and her face is covered in a bright green mud mask. MULDER looks up and is startled by her appearance. Very funny.)


MULDER: Whoa!


(She throws the sweatshirt at his head.)
MULDER: Compulsive neatness, or a lack thereof. Have you noticed how everybody around here is obsessed with the neighborhood rules and the CC&Rs? You know what? You fit in really well here.
SCULLY: (pointedly looking at him lying on the bed) And you don't.
MULDER: (adjusting the pillows to make himself more comfortable) Well, anyway, tomorrow I got a, uh, a surefire way of testing out my theory.
(He puts the bed beside him seductively and waggles his eyebrows at her. She raises her eyebrows at him.)


MULDER: (coaxing) Come on, Laura, you know... we're married now.
SCULLY: Scully, Mulder. Good night.
(MULDER gets up from the bed taking a pillow. He pauses next to her.)
MULDER: The thrill is gone. :rotfl:(As he heads off to sleep wherever it is he's going to sleep, SCULLY sighs and goes to the bed.)


WIN SHROEDER: Oh! Oh, Rob, Laura. ("accidentally?" sprays their legs with the hose) I'm so sorry. So, good morning. So how was your first night? Peaceful?
MULDER: (looking fondly at SCULLY) Oh, it was wonderful. We just spooned up and fell asleep like little baby cats. Isn't that right, Honeybunch?
SCULLY: (forced smile) That's right, Poopyhead. Win, are we in the right place? I thought this was Big Mike's house. (rather true now ;) -- IWTB bed scene for the win :eyebrows: :lol:....)



The Unnatural


SCULLY: Mulder, it is such a gorgeous day outside. Have you ever entertained the idea of trying to find life on this planet?
MULDER: I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking elsewhere.


SCULLY: It's not ice cream. It's a non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicle.
MULDER: Ugh. Bet the air in my mouth tastes better than that. You sure know how to live it up, Scully. SCULLY: Oh, you're Mr. Live-it-up. Mulder, you're really Mr. Squeeze-every-last-drop-out-of-this-sweet-life, aren't you?


SCULLY: On this precious Saturday you've got us grabbing life by the testes stealing reference books from the FBI library in order to go through New Mexico newspaper obituaries for the years 1940 to 1949 and for what joyful purpose?
MULDER: Looking for anomalies, Scully. Do you know how many so-called "flying disc" reports there were in New Mexico in the 1940s?
SCULLY: I don't care. Mulder, this is a needle in a haystack. These poor souls have been dead for 50 years. Let them rest in peace. Let sleeping dogs lie.
MULDER: No, I won't sit idly by as you hurl cliches at me. Preparation is the father of inspiration.
SCULLY: Necessity is the mother of invention.
MULDER: The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
SCULLY: Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die.
MULDER: I scream, you scream, we all scream for non-fat tofutti rice dreamsicles.





(Night. MULDER is at a baseball field hitting balls fired from a pitching machine. He is wearing a baseball jersey - Gibson, #20, the Grays. SCULLY walks around the fence and watches him.)
SCULLY: So, uh... I get this message marked "urgent" on my answering service from one Fox Mantle telling me to come down to the park for a very special very early or very late birthday present. And, Mulder... I don't see any nicely wrapped presents lying around so, what gives?
MULDER: You've never hit a baseball, have you, Scully?
SCULLY: No, I guess I have, uh... found more necessary things to do with my time than ... (a foul ball hits the fence) … slap a piece of horsehide with a stick.
MULDER: Get over here, Scully.
(MULDER holds the bat out for her. SCULLY walks over and takes it. MULDER steps behind her and wraps his arms around her tightly, also holding the bat around her hands.)
SCULLY: (warily, not thrilled) This my birthday present, Mulder? You shouldn't have.
MULDER: This ain't cheap. I'm paying that kid ten bucks an hour to shag balls.
(Camera shows POORBOY smiling and standing beside the batting machine.)
MULDER: Hey, it's not a bad piece of ash, huh? :eyebrows: :lol:
(SCULLY gives him a "Look.")
MULDER: The bat-talking about the bat. Now, don't strangle it. You just want to shake hands with it. "Hello, Mr. Bat. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." "Oh, no, no, Ms. Scully. The pleasure's all mine."
( SCULLY laughs as their hands grip the bat.)
MULDER: Okay, now, we want to... we want to go hips before hands, okay? (holds his hand a few inches from her hip) We want to stride forward and turn. That's all we're thinking about. So, we go hips... before hands, all right?
(He gingerly touches her hip and with his hands and his own hips pressed against her, turns her the right way.)
SCULLY: Okay.
MULDER: One more time.
(He touches and turns her hips more confidently.)
MULDER: Hips... before hands, all right?
SCULLY: Yeah.
MULDER: What is it?
SCULLY: Hips before hands.
MULDER: (speaking right into her ear) Right. We're going to wait on the pitch. We're going to keep our eye on the ball. Then, we're just going to make contact. We're not going to think. We're just going to let it fly, Scully, okay?
SCULLY: Mm-hmm.
MULDER: Ready?
(MULDER tries to readjust their grips on the bat. Momentary hand struggle between them.)
SCULLY: I'm in the middle.
(She gets her hands back between his. They are both grinning - very cute.)
MULDER: All right, fire away, Poorboy.
(A ball comes to them and they hit it. It goes way foul.)
MULDER: Ooh! That's good. All right, what you may find is you concentrate on hitting that little ball... The rest of the world just fades away-- all your everyday, nagging concerns.
( Scully giggles. They hit the ball again.)
MULDER: The ticking of your biological clock.
(Another hit.)
MULDER: How you probably couldn't afford that nice, new suede coat on a G-Woman's salary.
(Another hit.)
MULDER: How you threw away a promising career in medicine... (intimately into her ear) … to hunt aliens with a crackpot, albeit brilliant, partner.
(He gets another "Look.")
MULDER: Getting into the heart of a global conspiracy. Your obscenely overdue triple-X bill. Oh, I... I'm sorry, Scully. Those last two problems are mine, not yours.
(Another hit.)
SCULLY: (with a big smile) Shut up, Mulder. I'm playing baseball. :p(They continue to hit the balls. SCULLY laughs. As the balls fly up into the black, star-studded night sky, we see them turn into shooting stars.)



Detour


(SCULLY sits back down and tries to pull MULDER onto her lap.)
MULDER: I don’t wanna wrestle.
SCULLY: (suppressing a laugh) Get over here. I’m going to try and keep you warm. ( MULDER lies in her lap. She accidentally rubs his wounded shoulder. It hurts him.) Sorry.
MULDER: One of us has got to stay awake, Scully.
SCULLY: You sleep, Mulder.
MULDER: If you get tired, you wake me.
SCULLY: I’m not going to get tired.
MULDER: Why don’t you sing .. something.
SCULLY: No ... Mulder.
MULDER: Well, if you sing something, I’ll know you’re awake.
SCULLY: Mulder, you don’t want me to sing. I can’t carry a tune.
MULDER: It doesn’t matter. Just sing anything.
(Loooong pause. SCULLY looks around.)
SCULLY: (slightly off key, no enthusiasm) Jeremiah was a bull frog ---
(MULDER’S eyes pop open.)
SCULLY: ... was a good friend of mine. Never understood a single word he said...
(MULDER or *Duchovny?* pulls up knees to hide his face.)
SCULLY: ... but I helped him drink his wine.
(Pause.)
MULDER: Chorus.
SCULLY: Joy .... to the world. All the boys and girls. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea. Joy to you and me. (Camera pans over to a tree where we see glowing red eyes.)



SCULLY: Mulder, you need to keep warm. Your body’s still in shock.
MULDER: I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with some body else who’s already naked. (Snuggles closer.)
SCULLY: Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you’ll get lucky. ( one of my favorite lines ;) :rotfl: )



I Want to believe

From the now infamous bed scene ( yep, bed scene :whistle: -- I'm STILL not used to saying that one :lol: )

Mulder: I can feel you thinking.
Scully: Sorry. I can't sleep.
Mulder: Actually, I have a little something for that. ( Mulder, Mulder, Mulder :lol: -- still trying to get it to rain sleeping bags -- now they do, just not on that night, due to the studio audience ;))
Scully: Just a little something?
Mulder: Thank you.


Scully: What is it that you were praying for in there, sir?
Father Joe: For the salvation of my immortal soul.
Scully: And you think God hears your prayers?
Father Joe: You think he hears yours?
Scully: I wasn't the one who buggered 37 altar boys. ( Oooh, Scully :wow: )
Mulder: Hmmm, well that was a rather colorful way of putting it. :lol:
Scully: I have another word I could use, if you'd like.
Mulder: I'm sure you do. :p


---------------------------------------------

*note to Mods: I did my best to find the sources for all of these quotes... and if there are any that I missed, source wise, I'm sorry :(. There's only so much that I could do, since it's been so long since I posted this originally.

Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know....
Sheldon: Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relevant to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Sheldon: I’m polymerized tree sap and you’re an inorganic adhesive. So whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returned on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.

--The Big Bang Theory

Judge Sanders: I will not have happiness in my court room!
(Boston Legal)

Morbo: Pathetic humans, prepare to write down the recipe!
(Futurama)

Phil Ken Sebben: I'm not a trainer but I do have this whip.
(Harvey Birdman)

Janitor: You look unhappy. I like that.
(Scrubs)

I have been watching Young Dracula again. It's a hilarious show.

-Ingrid: Do you swear on all that is morbidly evil not to tell a soul?
Robin: You're very pretty...
Ingrid: Yes, I am. Now swear!


Renfield: Are we all ready to spin the wheel of DNA?
Chloe: If this is science, I'm a banana.
Renfield: Shut it before I peel you, clever clogs. This is Transylvanian science. Much more accurate than boring British science.
Count Dracula: And it's entertaining

Vlad: Dad, you promised to be careful. Do I need to spell it out for you? M-O-B.
Count Dracula: I am Count Dracula, not spell Dracula.
Ingrid: M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.
Count Dracula: I know that, but I'm bored

Count Dracula is sitting in hospital, keeping company for his son. He has nicked a blood bag.
Count Dracula: Got a Straw?

(After Mr. Van Helsing thinks up a robotic surveillance plan)
Mr. Van Helsing: I have a plan!
Jonathan Van Helsing: Great! I'll call casualty


Renfield: Ummm.... Master? I was wondering will you be sitting on me much longer?
Count Dracula: Yeees. You're being punished. You've forgotten why you are doen there?
Renfield: I'm sorry master. I should never ever have done it. What was it again?
Count Dracula: It? IT was about this high with pink lipstick and wearing a dress. A succulent female skipped into the castle of her own free will and you let it get away.
Renfield: Oh yeaah.
Count Dracula: No one gets past Renfield the Repulsive.
Renfield: I... I didn't mean it. It will never ever happen again. I promise. Please, can I get up noe?
Count Dracula: I doubt it. I've stuck you to the floor.

Lost

Sawyer: What's your problem, Jumbotron?
Hurley: Shut up, Red...neck...man!
Sawyer: Touché.




I love anything that Hurley says :lol:

and thanx Fawkesfan1 for highlighting several of my favorite scenes from XF :D Made my day.:lol:

The X-Files

[Izzy Berkowitz is using a peanut butter sandwich to lure The Great Mutato out of the woods]
Scully: "Peanut butter sandwiches?"
Mulder: "You think baloney would be more effective?"


Garry Shandling/Mulder: "I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or..."
Téa Leoni/Scully: "Bees." [They kiss] "Wait, wait, Mulder... I can't."
Garry Shandling/Mulder: "I know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but..."
Téa Leoni/Scully: "No, no, it's not that. It's not that."
Garry Shandling/Mulder: "Well, what then?"
Téa Leoni/Scully: "I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner."
Mulder: "That's it, Scully, I can't take it any more."
Scully: "Shh, Mulder, sit down."
Garry Shandling/Mulder: "What does he have that I don't have?"
Téa Leoni/Scully: "A bigger flashlight."

:lol:

Oh and the quote in my siggy always gets me :lol: Just the ways he says it makes me laugh :D

I love anything that Hurley says :lol:

and thanx Fawkesfan1 for highlighting several of my favorite scenes from XF :D Made my day.:lol:

The X-Files

[Izzy Berkowitz is using a peanut butter sandwich to lure The Great Mutato out of the woods]
Scully: "Peanut butter sandwiches?"
Mulder: "You think baloney would be more effective?"


Garry Shandling/Mulder: "I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or..."
Téa Leoni/Scully: "Bees." [They kiss] "Wait, wait, Mulder... I can't."
Garry Shandling/Mulder: "I know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but..."
Téa Leoni/Scully: "No, no, it's not that. It's not that."
Garry Shandling/Mulder: "Well, what then?"
Téa Leoni/Scully: "I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner."
Mulder: "That's it, Scully, I can't take it any more."
Scully: "Shh, Mulder, sit down."
Garry Shandling/Mulder: "What does he have that I don't have?"
Téa Leoni/Scully: "A bigger flashlight."

:lol:

Oh and the quote in my siggy always gets me :lol: Just the ways he says it makes me laugh :D
No problem magic :) -- I'm glad that I made your day...

And thanks for posting the lines from Hollywood AD... gawd that ep was such a farce -- a funny one though :whistle:... gawd Téa was funny there. And so was everyone else...

And who could forget the line... 'It looks like Téa Leoni has a crush on you, Mulder...' -- I was like... sorry Téa -- but Mulder's taken :p...

Do you mind if I add you to my friend's list? :)

And who could forget the line... 'It looks like Téa Leoni has a crush on you, Mulder...' -- I was like... sorry Téa -- but Mulder's taken :p...

Do you mind if I add you to my friend's list? :)

the bolded is hilarious if you know what they are refering to, I had to explain that to my brother :lol:

Sure, I would love to be added as your friend :D

Roseanne:

DJ: Darlene called me a prevert!
Roseanne: You're not a prevert honey, you're a pervert.

:lol::lol: I love Roseanne :D

Roseanne: [their father has just died] Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I got some bad news... Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No... DEAD!... DEAD! DEAD!... No, he's fine, he sends his love!
[hangs up]
Jackie: I am not doing that again, you can't make me!

the bolded is hilarious if you know what they are refering to, I had to explain that to my brother :lol:

Sure, I would love to be added as your friend :D

Roseanne:

DJ: Darlene called me a prevert!
Roseanne: You're not a prevert honey, you're a pervert.

:lol::lol: I love Roseanne :D

Roseanne: [their father has just died] Okay, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I got some bad news... Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No... DEAD!... DEAD! DEAD!... No, he's fine, he sends his love!
[hangs up]
Jackie: I am not doing that again, you can't make me!
Yep so true there magic :lol:. Awesome :).

:rotfl: @ the Roseanne lines. Man that show was funny at times.

The Office:
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Janitor: You look unhappy. I like that.
(Scrubs)

:tu::tu::tu:
Pretty much everything the Janitor says! Like "Knife-wrentch, for kids"

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God! I care so little, I almost passed out!



Supernatural !


(about Bela)
Dean: Can I shoot her?
Sam: Not in public

-----------

Sam Winchester: Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted.
Dean Winchester: You know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams, and that they shoot rainbows out of their a**!
Sam Winchester: Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?

-----------------

Dean: Ya' know she could be faking.
Sam: Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick?
Dean: *nods*
Sam: Dude, you're not gonna poke her with a stick?

--------------------

Sam Winchester: Dude, I'm not enabling your sick habit. You're like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food button until it dies.
Dean Winchester: What are you talking about, I eat.

:tu::tu::tu:
Pretty much everything the Janitor says! Like "Knife-wrentch, for kids"

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God! I care so little, I almost passed out!



Supernatural !


(about Bela)
Dean: Can I shoot her?
Sam: Not in public

-----------

Sam Winchester: Dean, there's ten times as much lore about angels as there is about anything else we've ever hunted.
Dean Winchester: You know what, there's a ton of lore on unicorns too. In fact, I hear that they ride on silver moonbeams, and that they shoot rainbows out of their a**!
Sam Winchester: Wait, there's no such thing as unicorns?

-----------------

Dean: Ya' know she could be faking.
Sam: Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick?
Dean: *nods*
Sam: Dude, you're not gonna poke her with a stick?

--------------------

Sam Winchester: Dude, I'm not enabling your sick habit. You're like one of those lab rats that pushes the pleasure button instead of the food button until it dies.
Dean Winchester: What are you talking about, I eat.
:rotfl: Man those lines from Supernatural are funny... I've never even watched the show, and they make me laugh. They kind of remind me of the X-Files humor wise... rip Kim... you were awesome :).

Got one from the Golden Girls :D --

Can I ask a dumb question? Rose to Dorothy

Better than anyone I know. Dorothy to Rose

Source: From Lifetime, during one of the commercials for the show itself.

another source where this came from (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088526/quotes)


--------------------------------------


*note to Mods: I did my best to find the sources for all of these quotes... and if there are any that I missed, source wise, I'm sorry :(. There's only so much that I could do, since it's been so long since I posted this originally.

Friends

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

Joey: How you doin'?

[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?

[At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]
Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award.
Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.
Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means.
Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.

Joey: I am telling this to Rachel.
Monica: No, Joey.
Joey: Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry.
[Burst into song and dances out of the door]
Chandler: 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... '

From Glee:

Puck: Hey, ankle grabber, I had sex with your mother. No, seriously, I cleaned out her pool and had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

From House:

Cameron: My Aunt Elisa lives in Pennsylvania
House: Ooh, it's story time. Let me go get my ba ba.

From The Simpsons:

Officer: Uh, Chief, maybe we better check that suit Burns was wearing when he got shot.
Chief Wiggum: Did you have the funny dream with the backwards talking and flaming cards, too?
Officer: I'll drive.

From Futurama:

Fry: Are you sure you don't want to kill all humans?
Bender: No, I love all humans.

Friends

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

Joey: How you doin'?

My two faves :D.

Moo point and How you doin'? :lol: