Dumbledore - he's evil, don't misunderstand

E. Dumbledore - he's evil, don't misunderstand

A fanfic by Kizz32 and PhoenixUK

WARNING: There are some OotP Quotes





Please post feedback here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=15198).





The following story makes very little sense, uses random quotes often not credited and is subject to dollops of cheesy humour. If you don't want to know the results, look away now.

Chapter 1 - Revelations and The Secret Under

Dumbledore: Minerva, cancel my 1 o'clock
McGonagall: Your 1 o'clock? Albus you're acting surprisingly out of character.
Dumbledore: I assure you Minerva i'm not evil.
McGonagall: I never said you were.

*For a fleeting instant, McGonagall thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*

Dumbledore: Well I am - so you're wrong. But before I kill you McGonagall I must explain.
McGonagall: Why?
Dumbledore: You see, most of the exposition in this story is done by me, so why don't you just shut up and stop interupting.

*Dumbledore picked up his pipe, and sunk into his chair*

Dumbledore: A land with many herrings needs few doctors, God sends food and the devil sends cooks, piece by piece the penguins steal my sanity, he who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame, the things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first, to keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.
McGonagoll: Albus! That cannot be true
Dumbledore: Oh, but it is. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive, and i'm tired of it.

*Dumbledore lowered his pipe and lifted two of his now freed fingers into a V shape*

Dumbledore: Peace out Minerva, AVADA KEDAVRA!

Meanwhile in Gryffindor Tower...

Ron:: I have the emotional range of a teaspoon.
Hermione: Hold on, haven't you read Harry Potter And The Order of The Phoenix, I'm supposed to say that to you.
Ron: This isn't OotP though, a couple of stupid 16 year olds have decided to change a few things.

*She looked up at Ron and her frostiness seemed to melt.*

Ron: I love you Hermione.
Hermione: I can't say what I feel, theres too much evidence pointing towards Harry and me, and i'm inwardly insecure.
Ron: But your frostiness...it melted, I melted it!
Hermione: You're right...but something's changed.
Ron: Let me guess, you're an animagus?
Hermione: Well no, but my character is based on the author Ron.
Ron: And?
Hermione: There's two of them, it's a collaboration work - that's why it's not funny.
Ron: This dialogue is too long already, cut to the chase - everyone know's i'm an idiot with a short attention span.
Hermione: I'm evil Ron!
Ron: What kind of plot development is that?

*Ron mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed up the girls' staircase to bed.*
*Due to a fact revealed in book 5, Ron didn't persue and instead...did something else*

The next day in potions...

Harry: At last I get a line in this stupid thing.
Snape: 5 points from Gryffindor!
Harry: Wait, I haven't answered bk yet...
Snape: You just did, shut up Potter I want to get this plot moving.

*unnamed extra comes into the room*

Unnamed_Extra#1: OMG McGI S DAED, DD EVIL DAN IS GEY EMMA SUX - credit for quote to thethirdman

*Suddenly, the door flew open revealing Dumbledore, there was something impressive about the
sight of him framed in the doorway against an oddly misty...afternoon*

Snape: Professor Dumbledore, these boys have flouted the Degree for Proper use of English, caused serious insult to a number of Emma Watson and Dan Radcliffe fans...surely acts of this nature...
Dumbledore: It will be for the moderators to decide on these boys' punishments, Severus. They are in their forums and are therefore their responsibility.

*Snape shot a look of pure venom at Harry and Unnamed_Extra#1*

Dumbledore: But of course, I'm sick of that Potter twit.

*Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half moon glasses*

Dumbledore: It is time, for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything. I ask only a little patience. You will have your chance to rage at me...I'm not evil or anything.

*For a fleeting instant, Snape thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*

Snape: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Dumbledore: Serverus, I thought you would be on my side. When we first met I was the goodie and you were the Death Eater...Now I am the Master
Snape: Only the master of Evil Albus...
Dumbledore: Join me Severus
Snape: NEVER!!!
Dumbledore: But Severus, you see there was no choice. I pay your wages hence I expect a little obidience. Now, join me or join Potter's cohort.
Snape: NEVER!
Dumbledore: Well, then. You leave me no choice.
Snape: No, I meant never join Potter. I'll join you, if you give the the DADA job.
Dumbledore: I cannot, you see, Severus. For some unknown reason you will never be given the job. So it was, is now and ever shall be.
Snape: *turning to class* Well, class, now me and the Darker Lord Dumbledore see eye to eye, we're going to have a few changes....
Harry: I knew it, you were evil all along!
Snape: 50 points from Gryffindor! I AM NOT EVIL! I'M JUST MISUNDERSTOOD!
Harry: But you are a vampire?
Snape: No, Potter, I am not a vampire either. Neither am I a transvestite.
Harry: I never said anything about you being a transvestite.
Snape: Oh, well, never mind. Forget I mentioned it.
Hermione: Harry, what's a trans...
Snape: For goodness sakes, Miss Granger, drop it. I most certainly do not wear ladies underwear underneath my robes. Especially not the small cotton ones with lace around the edge. 50 points from Gryffindor for suggesting such an idea.
Harry: Well, at least - did you fancy my mother?
Snape: What gave you that idea?
Hermione: Your name is anagram of Persues Evans
Snape: Shut up! She broke my heart! My achey breaky heart!
Hermione: There there Professor

*she stretched out a placatory hand towards him*

Ron: Hey! That hand was meant for me
Harry: Back off Ron, she's mine. Do you really think I'd just get an owl and you'd get the girl - even if she is possesed by two 16 year old males?
Hermione(1): *hiss*
Ron: But the hero gets the sexy defector.
Hermione: And I told you i'm evil!
Ron: Gang up on the ginger haired people...
Kizz: **** straight! **** filters!

Later in DADA

Ron: Is that the new defense against the dark arts teacher?
Hermione: I guess this is where you expect me to come out with something long winded, boring and smart sounding, and you'll be right.
Ron: So?
Hermione: The authors haven't thought that far ahead yet - so they'll probably edit this bit. There's no chance they're let their Hermione sound stupid, trust me - this won't make into the story.

*general clattering*

Ron: He's coming this way...
Hermione: I don't think he can stop
As_Yet_Unnamed_DADA_Teacher#1: Sharon! what are these bloody kids doing in my class?
Hermione: Actually my name is Hermione.
As_Yet_Unnamed_DADA_Teacher#1: Wha?
Ron: Do you even know where you are?
Hermione: Of course he does, he's the master of the dark arts...
As_Yet_Unnamed_DADA_Teacher#1: Well...erm...can somebody get me off the floor?
Hermione: Erm...professor, who are you?
As_Yet_Unnamed_DADA_Teacher#1: I'm supposed to be the prince of bloody darkness...
Ron: Looks like Dumbledore stole you job
As_Yet_Unnamed_DADA_Teacher#1: Nah, it's here...he stole my bloody lunch though
Dumbledore: Very tasty Ozzy
Ozzy: I've finally got a bloody name. Now gimme back my mushrooms you talking beard.
Dumbledore: I've taken them. I don't permit my staff to be on drugs offically, but I've seen Snape tripping out in those fruity lace underwear of his, where was I? Yes...STAY OUT OF GREENHOUSE 3!

*Ozzy raised his middle finger and displayed it to Dumbledore, who turned and was gone in a whirling of his cloak*

Hermione: Wait, you can't just make him dissaparate, you can't at Hogwarts.
Kizz: I've read Hogwarts: A Revised and Twisted History, and Picko's written nothing at all about it yet, and I don't care anyway - I have to use that line...anyway, I'm staying on the topic of drug use - Ozzy
Ozzy: Bugger off, i'm not teaching anyone
Kizz: Well I'm not teaching either...so i'll use this time to let Malfoy insult Hermione...
Malfoy: You filthy Mudblood!
Hermione: I'm evil you inbreed!
Malfoy: Really?
Hermione: No ****, crucio!
Malfoy: EAT SLUGS! *falls on floor in agony*
Hermione: Who's ya daddy?
Malfoy: He.......is......
Lucius: Look at me, i've got beautiful white hair...and a cane. And a rather annoying habit of looking down my nose at people. But, I'm sure we'll grow to love each other, because *breaks into song* I love you, You love me, We're a happy family, with a...
Harry: Look, Lucius. This story is about me. I don't want you singing some Muggle dinosaur song. How could you guys let this happen?
Kit: We don't know. We guess it sounded good at the time. And we want to give a new edge to Lucius. Because that 'I hate everything' attitude championed by the films isn't us.
Harry: Anyway, lets get back to me.
Kit: Wait up a sec, we run this show. And for a bit we're going to focus on Hermione.
Harry: *sulks*
Ozzy: *walks over to Hermione* So who the **** are you? You better be getting dinner ready!
Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger, star of this class. I can answer any question you throw at me. And I'm not getting any dinner for you cause you smell of some tramp I saw in the street.
Ozzy: I'm on drugs, stupid. I can't find the bath - can't even make it up the ****ing stairs. And if you can answer any question, where can I get some more wacky baccy?
Hermione: *stumped*

Meanwhile, in Dungeon 4:

*Snape enters dungeon with puff of purple smoke and loud crack.*
Snape: Good morning, class. ****it, wrong classroom.
*Snape leaves classroom with a pop*

And in Dungeon 1:

*Snape enters dungeon with puff of purple smoke and loud crack.*
Snape: Good morning, class.
Class: Good morning, Professor Snape.
Snape: That'll be the Darker Lord's Secratery, to you.
*Hermione raises hand into air.*
Snape: Yes, Miss. Granger.
Hermione: Profes... er, the Darker Lord's Secratery, why hasn't Dumbledore promoted you to the position of Defence Against The Dark Arts, as you're now in league with him.
Snape: Silence... the headmaster has his reasons. Apparently, he thinks that Ozzy Osbourne has more potential as a Dark Lord than me, and so has given him the job of teaching you the dark arts - I mean, defence against the dark arts. *nervous laugh*
Harry: But do you not think that it's a pretty major plot twist to have Dumbledore as the Darker Lord.
Snape: I think you'll find that the Headmaster's objectives remain the same, Potter. To overthrow the Dark Lord.
Harry: Voldermort!
Snape: Bloody hormones.
Harry: What?
Snape: Oh, just those bloody er... door gnomes. Yes, those ones that hang around doors.
Hermione: But, Professor, there's no such thing as...
Snape: Thank you, Miss Granger. 5 points from Gryfindor for speaking out of turn. And 5 points for being a mudblood.
Ron: What! You can't do that.
Snape: Oh I think I can Mr. Weasley. You see, in line with his evil thinking, the Darker Lord has decided to shun all minorities. Hence mudbloods, townies, half-breeds and red-heads will all now be subject to oppression. So, that'll be 5 points for speaking out of turn, and 5 points for being a red-head. That's the kind of policy in the new Hogwarts. You'll find that there's three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Darker Lord Way.
Harry: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Snape: Yes, but eviller. I think members of my own house may enjoy it.

Later in the corridor:

Harry: Snape has become out of order since he joined forces with the Dark Lord.
Ron: Oh, my goodness. Look!
*Writing on the wall reads: The Secret Underwear Closet has been opened. Enemies of the Potion Master, beware.*
Harry: Well, that is just out of order.
Ron: Why?
Harry: Well, firstly, it's remarkably unorgininal. And also, how am I supposed to prove myself a hero against an unknown enemy if he's already revealed himself in the message.
Hermione: It think you'll find that it's the author referring back to previous plot points. Remember how Snape revealed he was a transvestite?
Ron: I thought he said that he wasn't.
Hermione: No, that was just to add a sense of surprise for the more gullible readers. Anyway, don't you see what this means. Snape already has the long hair. If he truly has opened the Underwear Closet, he can disguise himself as a girl. And we could never spot him.
Harry: But couldn't he do that anyway.
Hermione: Honestly, are you two never going to read 'Underwear, a history?' Underwear is bound by ancient magic. Hence, even if a boy wears girls underwear, he will still look like a boy. Of course, when the school was founded, cross dressing was less common, and this magic had not been invented. It is said that Salazar Slytherin, himself a Seer, created a Secret Underwear closet full of unmagicked underwear for a time when it might be needed. With the magic underwear, Snape has the perfect disguise. Why, I could be Snape now.
Harry: But couldn't he just use Polyjuice Potion?
Hermione: No, for reasons of taste and decency Polyjuice Potions are restricted from changing sex, mainly to discourage the use by teenage boys.
Ron: Isn't it traditional for McGonagall to tell us this kind of stuff?
Hermione: Yeah, well, remember Ron, she's dead.
Ron: Oh, yes. I forgot. Well, it was very hard to read, because it was in abbreviations, and as English is my second language I find it hard to understand. I wish people would stop using abbrevs.
Hermione: Yes, I hear they don't let people with sloppy grammar into Hogsmeade.
Kit: Are you guys making this up? Cause it's very similar to some forum boards that I'm on.
Harry: No, it's true.
Kit: Well, that settles it. One of the admin is definitely a wizard or witch. [/spoiler]

To be continued (if we can be bothered)...

Chapter 2: Ordered with Extra Cheese?

Dumbledore has called a staff meeting to discuss evilness, the running of the school and the price of oil in the wake of the Iraqi war

Flitwick: So I said, I said "Oi!, shortee!"

*McGonagall flopped over, hunched lifelessly against a chair*

Flitwick: Minerva?...are you alright dear?
Dumbledore: Oh drat...Mobilicorpus!

*McGonagall floated across the room and out of the window*

Flitwick: Oh gosh, no!
Dumbledore: Ahem...to business. This year will bring some changes, first of all: Snape, my secretary will be replacing Professor McGonagall as vice headmaster of Hogwarts. For the first time ever we will also be having a student teaching...
Snape: My Darker Lord what...
Dumbledore: Severus, remain claim - Miss Hermione Granger will be teaching transfiguration this year.
Snape: But Lord, why?
Dumbledore: I was a little short sighted when I killed McGonagall
Flitwick: Huh?
Dumbledore: I said I was a little short sighted when I squealed on McGonagall
Flitwick: I don't understand
Dumbledore: Erm...it turns out McGonagall was really the Darker Lord...and she...erm Obilivate!
Snape: That showed him, you are truely brilliant my Darker Lord!
Dumbledore: Yes, well...Severus, I have an assignment for you.
Snape: Anything my Darker Lord.
Dumbledore: Well, I hear that you have access to the mythical Chamber of Underwear.
Snape: Well, yes. I am able to.
Dumbledore: Well, I need 2 things of you. To bring me the kind of comfy underwear that they used to make, and, to use the underwear to become Hermione Granger and infiltrate the famous trio.
Snape: I'll get onto it. Any order of priority?
Dumbledore: Oh, comfy underwear first. These things are killing me.

Two hours and an underwear change later

Hermione/Dumbledore: My underwear is sooo comfy.
Harry: Since were platonic, I didn't want to know that Hermione.
Ron: *whispering* Really?
Hermione/Dumbledore: Yes, well...to business

*Hermione lowered her hands and surveyed Harry through her half moon glasses*

Harry: Hey, where did you get those glasses?
Hermione/Dumbledore: That's none of your business young Harry
Harry: I'm older than you!
Hermione/Dumbledore: Yeaaaa....

*Hermione lowered her hands and surveyed Harry through her half moon glasses*

Hermione/Dumbledore: Harry, I need your help to defeat Lord Voldemort

*Ron and several unnamed extras flinch*

Hermione/Dumbledore: I mean, the Dark Lord

*For a fleeting instant, Harry thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Hermione's eyes.*

Harry: Ok...I'll help you
Hermione/Dumbledore: Meet me after the karaoke in the Great Hall this evening
Harry: Karaoke?

Later that evening...or day...I'm losing track

Harry: Hermione, have you seen Dumbledore around? I'm not sure if he likes the idea of us defeating the Dark Lord.
Hermione/Dumbledore: Erm...I think I saw Dumbledore kidnapping the new transfiguration teacher...

In the background...

Snape: *singing* Life is but a dream, drifting on a stream, a stream...
Lucius: *singing* Consciously it seems, all of what remains, Ego Brain!
Snape: And they shame, shame, love after it rains, you see my pain is real, watch my world dissolve, and pretend that none of us see the Fall!
Lucius: As I turn to sand, you took me by the hand, and declared, that love prevails over all!

Hermione/Dumbledore: I never knew Severus could sing so well.
Harry: Since when were you on first name basis with Snape?
Hermione/Dumbledore: That takes me back 16 years, I was still an old man - it was when Severus hadn't opened the Secret Underwear Closet and I wasn't posing as Hermione...
Harry: Wait, are you saying it was Snape who opened the Secret Underwear Closet?
Hermione/Dumbledore: Well, yes...don't you ever pay attention to anything we see or say? I've just given my self away as an imposter you twit!
Harry: You think I'm self-absorbed? Who saved the Sorcerer's Stone? Who opened the Chamber of Secrets? Who killed Lupin and Sirius Black in the Shrieking Shack?
Hermione/Dumbledore: Do you even read the books Harry? It was the Philosopher's stone, you didn't open the Chamber of Secrets and you're an idiot for killing your Godfather and the only decent Darks Arts teacher I could find!
Harry: An idiot am I? Who had to face a Hungry Horntail? Who danced with Lord Voldemort and watched Cedric die?
Hermione/Dumbledore: Cedric?...oh that reminds me. Mobilicorpus!

*Cedrics badly decomposing body glided gently across the Great Hall and flopped over the Hufflepuff table, Cho followed and sat at the Ravenclaw table*

Harry: So Cedric isn't dead?
Dumbledore: I'm afraid he is. I'm moving him around the school to keep Cho busy and limit you options, but it doesn't matter - it's not as if you're paying attention.
Harry: So I've only got a choice of Hermione and Ginny?
Dumbledore: Hermione's evil now, so it's only Ginny and that wacked out Ravenclaw girl you should be finding out about this year.
Harry: Speaking of Hermione, where is she Professor Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Sorry Harry, I don't like wearing underwear at all if I can help it.
Harry: Eww!

*Dumbledore puts his unmagicked underwear back on*

Hermione/Dumbledore: I must say Harry, you're acting surprisingly unhormonal, Ron's already propositioned me twice and I wasn't even in disguise.

*Ron walked across the Great Hall and propositioned some Slytherin girls*

Hermione/Dumbledore: I'll work out a clever way to summon the Dark Lord Voldemort. If I were you I would start persuing random girls in turn.
Harry: I've got my eye on Blaise Zabini
Hermione/Dumbledore: The Slytherin transvestite?
Harry: Transvestite? Are you sure that's in the forum fan-fic rules?
Kizz: We've already got Dumbledore and Snape cross-dressing so I don't think it'll be a major shock. It's just pairing you up with them that's going to be tricky.
Harry: Hold on...i'm not being paired up with a tranvesitite!
Kizz: No, you can have Ginny or that weirdo Ravenclaw girl if you want.
Harry: A transvestite?
Kizz: Fine! Have the transvestite Slytherin if you want it.
Snape: 10 points from Gryffindor for wanting to go out with a cross-dresser Harry.
Ron: Hey! Intolerance is against Forum rules!
Snape: 10 points for being ginger, another 10 for being a mudblood lover
Hermione/Dumbledore: Severus!
Snape: Miss Granger, we are no longer on first name basis!
Harry: What?
Snape: Yes, Miss. Granger. You and me are no longer an item.
Harry: Wait, hold it, I'm struggling with this plot twist. You and Hermione are... were going out.
Kit: Well, sort of.
Snape: I thought that Miss. Granger was Dumbledore. So, when I thought that I was going out with Dumbledore, it was actually Hermione. Or was it Dumbledore? I forget.
Kit: I don't know, don't ask me. I'm as lost as everyone else.
Kizz: That's why we did the 'Hermione/Dumbledore' thing instead of just 'Hermione'
Harry: But Hermione - you knew. After JKR was setting us up, what with changing your teeth...
Hermione/Dumbledore: Oh, get with the times, Harry. You see, if you'd read the rest of the story, you'd have realised that I'm now evil. Because I'm Dumbledore. The real Hermione is locked away in the cupboard under my stairs. Defeating Dark Lords just doesn't bag me anymore, Harry. You need a bit of maliciousness.
Harry: Oh, great. So my options are left to some soppy Ravenclaw girl or Ron's little sister. Thanks a lot, guys.
Kit: Well, if I can't get a decent girlfriend, I don't see why you should either. Sorry, Harry.
Kizz: Great, you've reminded me now!

*All couples break up*

Harry: So, why did you two break up.
Snape: Well, Harry. It turns out that I'm actually asexual, hence do not need a partner, which suits me fine. Oops, I shouldn't have said that.
Hagrid: *enters hall* Who stole my line! I'm telling you, I've got few enough good lines as it is in the films, and they give me one cheesy joke, and someone nicks it. So, own up, who was it.
Snape: That would be me.
Hagrid: Arg! I'll kill ye!
Snape: RESILIO!
*a beam of blue light shoots out of Snapes wand.*
Hagrid: What? What have you done?
*Hagrid begins shrinking*
Hermione/Dumbledore: That's a shrinking spell.
*Hagrid continues shrinking until he reaches normal size. Several girls faint, as a normal size Hagrid is very attractive!*
Hagrid: Snape! You... you... I'm normal!
*Hagrid runs and gives Snape a hug, to strains of Celine Dion's 'I Will Always Love You'. Harry does a Dan Radcliffe-esque smile.*
Hermione/Dumbledore: Alright, break it up, break it up.
*Music stops.*
Hagrid: Hermione! I'm normal.
Hermione/Dumbledore: Really? I hadn't noticed.
*Tears well up in the corners of Hagrid's beetle black eyes.*
Hagrid: Hermione, I have something to ask. Will you marry me?
Hermione/Dumbledore: Hagrid, I feel that I have to bring you up to speed with the plot, since you're a minor character hence haven't understood what it going on. Firstly, I am actually Dumbledore, wearing female underwear. Hence I have very little interest in you. Secondly, I am now evil. I am the Darker Lord. So there is no way I'm going out with an ex-semi-giant. In fact, I think that I might fire you tomorrow.
Hagrid: Great man, Dumbledore. Well, if he's feeling evil, then so am I. I'd like to join your club.
Hermione/Dumbledore: Okay. You can be Junior Vice-President.
Hagrid: Oh, you're to kind, master. Can I call myself 'Hagrid, Dragon Slayer', from now on.
Hermione/Dumbledore: No, mainly because you haven't slayed a dragon.
Hagrid: That can be arranged.
*exeunt Hagid*
Malfoy: Professor Snape, in every book I have to whinge about some injury and I'd like to take that opportunity now. The shock from your spell caused my kneecaps to rattle, and I'd like them to stop.
Snape: Right, Malfoy, you go to Mrs. Norris at the hospital wing, she'll soon fix you.
Harry: Don't you mean the matron?
Hermione/Dumbledore: I'll field that question, Severus. I'm afraid due to the fact that a lot of the schools funds are now invested in my evil schemes, I've had to make a few cuts. Hence Mrs. Norris is the new matron.
Ron: Another plot twist! Why couldn't it be 'follow the butterflies'?
Harry: Shut up, Ron. That joke wasn't funny in the film and it isn't funny now.
*Dumbledore removes unmagicked underwear*
Dumbledore: Harry, Ron and Hermione go with him
Harry: Why, it's completely unnecessary, and where's Hermione?
Dumbledore: I've spent 4 years purposefully editing your timetables to maximise the time you spend with the Slytherins, if I had a reason for that I would have a reason for this. Mr Weasley, take this pair of underwear...
Ron: Finally!
Dumbledore: Erm...okay...Harry take this underwear and you shall be Hermione, since you two are platonic and all.
Harry: I don't know...I am feeling less attracted to Cho, and deep down I know Hermione is for me...
Snape: 10 points from Gryffindor for suggesting Hermione is meant for you.

*Malfoy, Harry (as Hermione) and Ron make their way to the hospital wing*

Malfoy: If father knew about this plot development...
Lucius: Here I am son, I love everything.
Malfoy: Well, in that case... AVADA KEDARVA!
*Lucius gets hit with the curse, but it isn't powerful enough to kill*
Kizz: Here - let me do it
*Lucius drops dead*
Malfoy: Thanks
Kizz: Don't thank me yet
*Lucius awakes from the dead*
*Lucius drops dead*
Malfoy: What are you doing?
Kizz: Proving a point...resume the plot.

*the 3 arrive at the hospital wing*

Harry/Hermione: Mrs. Norris?
Filch: Mobili...erm...quisquam!

*Mrs Norris floated gently across the room*

Filch: What do you want?
Malfoy: I thought you were a squib!
Filch: How dare you! Funnunculus!

*Mrs. Norris examined Malfoy, whose face now resembled something that would have been at home in a book on poisonous fungi.*

Harry/Hermione: But how?
Filch: The Dark Lord gave me powers
Harry/Hermione: Oh rite...
Ron: So what was the deal with squibs and cats?
Filch: Oh Mrs. Norris...I'll let you in on it then. There are no cats.
Ron: What?
Filch: They're just hand puppets.
Ron: That doesn't explain anything.
Harry/Hermione: Wait, I'm beginning to pay attention.
Filch: Not quick enough Mr Potter
Harry/Hermione: Think about it Ron...ever since Crookshanks turned up there's been that odd looking guy hanging around Hermione talking about how nice she looks in the movies.
Kizz: Erm...this plot line isn't going anywhere and Harry, Obilivate!
Harry/Hermione: Wait, Filch said the Dark Lord gave him powers
Ron: And...it's Hermione's job to think, you only do it in an emergency and I'm dumber than an ant who's been made professor of dumbology at oxford university
Harry/Hermione: I have to be Hermione
Ron: I'm not sure I could Harry, you may look exactly like her but it just wouldn't feel right
Harry/Hermione: What are you talking about?
Ron: Nothing...no...i'm propositioning
Harry/Hermione: We don't have time...we need to find Hermione and get out of here before Voldemort arrives
Ron: There goes your saving Hermione thing, why don't I get the romantic imagery?
Snape: Because you've got ginger hair, 5 points from Gryffindor
Filch: Professor Snape!
Snape: That's Darker Lord's secretary to you, I see the Dark Lord has given you powers...

*But there was a mad glint in Snape's eye that Harry had never seen before. He seemed beyond reason*

Snape: Come on, all of you
Filch: Not so fast, Impedimenta!
Snape: That's so cheesy...

*BANG! Thin, snake-like cords burst from the end of Snape's wand and twisted themselves around Filch's mouth, wrist's and ankles, he overbalanced and fell to the floor, unable to move*

Snape: You can take off the underwear now Potter.
Harry: We've got to get out of here, but first I must rescue Hermione.
Snape: Haven't you been reading at all Potter!? Granger's evil, the authors set it up that way so it didn't annoy any shippers.

To be continued...

Chapter 3 : The Plot Thickens

Snape: I can't believe it, i'm stuck in a sewer with a mudblood, a ginger haired freak and a scar head.
Harry: Why did you let him do the exposition?
Kizz: We're bringing him out to the front abit, changing peoples characters.
Mrs. Norris He's right you know.
Snape: A talking cat...how original.
Kizz: I can't find a copy of Alice in Wonderland to rip off yet...so i'll return to this later.
Ron: Anyway, why are we here?
Kit: Well... we haven't quite decided yet... it'll be a surprise. It'll probably be to follow someone.
Ron: Oh, why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?
All: Shut up, Ron.

Meanwhile, in Dumbledore's Office...

Pettigrew: Dumbledore, why exactly am I here?
Dumbledore: I would like to make a proposition.
Pettigrew: If it's about those bloody cauldrons again, I don't want any. I don't know why you have so many.
Dumbledore: You're not trying to say that... you love me, are you?
Pettigrew: No!
Dumbledore: Oh, sorry, I'm getting older and it's harder and harder to tell advances...
Kit: Could you guys hurry up, please.
Dumbledore: Oh, yes, where was I... oh, Peter, I'd like you to join my army of millions.
Pettigrew: Millions?
Dumbledore: Oh, sorry, I meant minions.
Pettigrew: Oh. And what are the benefits of this.
Dumbledore: Well, mainly the killing. And you can choose whatever title you want, except secretary and junior vice-president, they're gone.
Pettigrew: Hmm, an attractive proposition. I'll accept. As long as I get plenty of killing. I'll be undersecretary to the treasurer.
Dumbledore: As you wish. Now go. I will come for you at a time in the future. It may be night, it may be day. You must keep a vigil.
Pettigrew: Is 11 o'clock tomorrow okay?
Dumbledore: Oh, way to go to ruin the mystery, Peter. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Star Wipe to the dark rat-infested sewer...

Hermione: Rat infested?
Kizz: Yeah, I thought I would try my hand at a little description.
Harry: What are we doing here Snape?
Snape: I've been tipped off that Dumbledore is planning to remove Fudge from the ministry of magic

Right to left screen wipe - back to Dumbledore's office...

Dumbledore: I'm planning to remove Fudge from the ministry of magic

Clock wipe to sewer...

Snape: With someone else...

Left to right wipe to sewer...

Dumbledore: That's right
Kizz: Oh bugger, I meant "Dumbledore's office" on that last director's instruction, but we'll see how this plays out
Dumbledore: I'm planning to remove Fudge and replace him with the one who controls everything, the only one who can bring these stupid authors under control
Kizz: Well, I'm not a character in this so...
Dumbledore We both know that there are other ways of destroying a man, Kizz.
Kizz: There is nothing worse than a moderator, Dumbledore!
Dumbledore: Indeed, your failure to understand that there are things much worse than moderators has always been your greatest weakness. I'm replacing Fudge with Morgoth, former Minister of the Dark Arts.
Kit: Er, Kizz. Are you sure this is a good idea. Morgoth? I'm kind of scared of him.
Morgoth: Shut up. No need to be scared. I am not evil.
Kit: Okay, Morgoth, whatever you say.
Morgoth: Anyway, why the hell are we in the sewer?
Kit: Oh, Kizz messed up the scenes.
Dumbledore: Ahem! I think this book is about us.
Kit: Oh, yes. Right. Sorry.
Snape: This is my least favourite scene of all. But I could do with some rat spleen - Accio Rat!
*Rat flies through air to Snape.*
*Snape disappears.*
Dumbledore: Oh dear, this is most grave. Snape has touched a Portkey.
Harry: But I thought portkeys only went at certain times?
Kit: Yes, but I need Snape out of here, and if JKR can do it, so can I.
Dumbledore: Not to worry, not to worry

*he took out his wand, gave it a little flick, and a squashy chintz armchair appeared out of nowhere next to Harry, and for a fleeting instant, Harry thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*

Dumbledore: See, this was all part of my plan
Harry: You planned to have us all down in a sewer with a forum admin?
Dumbledore: It wasn't my fault one of the authors used varnish in his coffee
Kizz: Varnish? My head hurts...

*Tall, thin and black hooded, his terrible snakelike face with and gaunt, his scarlet, slit pupiled eyes staring... Lord Voldemort had appeared in the middle of the hall*

Harry: The hall?
Kizz: Shut up, I've got a handache, go along with it
Dan: I can do that, I'm a good actor.
Emma: I'm better
Kizz: Authors rule in favour of Emma, now get out of here Dan! Emma can stay.
Harry: Yeah, it's time for my showdown with Voldemort
Snape: The hell it is!
Voldemort: Who are you?
Dumbledore: You must know Severus Snape?
Snape: Of course he doesn't, I have access to the mythical Closet of Underwear, one of the most powerful plot devices in existance
Voldemort: I recognise that voice...Bellatrix?
Snape: Yes, it was I who attacked the Longbottoms, me who carried your hier!
Voldemort: Nooooo!!! AVADA...
Hermione: Harry, Ron, Professor! Come here, quick!

*Harry moved towards her, completely bewildered. She was holding the chain out. He saw a tiny, sparking hour glass hanging from it*

Harry: How did you get that back?
Hermione: How did you get the Marauders' Map back?
Harry: Oh, I... does it really matter? I needed it in OOTP.
Hermione: And while we're on the subject, how come you could only see the thestrals last year, when you'd already seen your parents die?
Kit: Please, people. This story isn't to point holes in JKR's plot, leave that to the forums. If you could get on with the plot...
Hermione: Okay. Now, get underneath this.
*Harry puts strap of time-turner over head*
Harry: You know, it's kinda nice under here. You know, us close...
Hermione: Harry, this is being discussed in another thread. You don't want this thread closed, do you?
Harry: Okay.
Hermione: Will you get under here, Ron. Yes, I know you were too embarrased to give me a hug in the films, but this is no time for that.
Ron: Okay, but don't touch me.
*Ron and Snape go under time turner*
Dumbledore: Three turns should do it, Miss. Granger.
Harry: Are you still here?
Dumbledore: You'll find that I'm always here when advice needs to be given, Harry.
*Dumbledore locks hospital door.*
Ron: Hey, where did that hospital door come from?
Hermione: Never mind, Ron. It's just traditional to create fire hazards in situations like these.
Ron: So, where are we going?
Hermione: Well, before Dumbledore became evil and killed McGonagall. So that we can stop him.
Ron: Don't worry, I'll do it.
*Ron shakes time turner.*
Hermione: No, Ron, you're meant to turn it. Oh, dear...

*The dark sewer dissolved. Harry had the sensation that he was flying very fast, backward. A blur of colors and shapes rushed past him, his ears were pounding, he tried to yell but couldn't hear his own voice -- And then he felt solid ground beneath his feet, and everything came into focus again.*

Hermione Oh, Ron, you are a complete idiot... where the hell is he?
Harry: Er... Ron seems to have been turned into a spider.
Hermione: Oh, for goodness sakes. Retexo!
*Ron turns back into human*
Ron: Ah! There was spider all around me!
Harry: That's because you messed about with time and became a spider, briefly.
Ron: Huh - what you talkin bout, fool?
Kit: Hey! That belongs in one of Picko's stories - stop it.
Ron: Okay... fool.
Kit: Oh, that's it, I've had enough of you.
*Author enters story and beats Ron to bloody pulp with baseball bat.*
Snape: Killing a class mate? 50 points from Gryffindor.
Harry: But, he's not in Gryffindor.
Snape: Another 5 points for answering back, Mr. Potter. SO, fame and fortune clearly isn't everything.
Hermione: I wonder where we are.
Harry: Well, judging by the flairs, the perpendicular hair, the safety pins and bondage trousers. I'd say that we were in sometime in 1970. Oh my goodness!
Hermione: What?
Harry Well, it could be like that fake Dad in Prisoner of Azkaban.
Hermione: Oh, yeah. That really annoyed me.
Harry: Shut up... I think I've just seen my father.

The next chapter will be published via a trans-time relay device in 1949...

Chapter 4: Ambush at Mrs. Figg's - The Musical


Previously on Dumbledore - he's evil, don't misunderstand...

*white flash transition*

Ron: So, where are we going?
Hermione: Well, before Dumbledore became evil and killed McGonagall. So that we can stop him.

*white flash transition*

Hermione: I wonder where we are.
Harry: Well, judging by the flairs, the perpendicular hair, the safety pins and bondage trousers. I'd say that we were in sometime in 1970. Oh my goodness!

And now on Dumbledore - he's evil, don't misunderstand...

Snape: That's the last time I let a mudblood and a red-head handle a timeturner. The 1970s...how original.
McGonagoll I've never seen you three here, you should be inside for the karaoke
Snape: Erm...well AVADA KEDAVRA!

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and he heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him. McGonagoll was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. She was dead.*
*Hermione let out a small scream to keep her character in-check*

Hermione: Where's Ron?
Harry: I don't think it matters, the H/R thing wasn't going anywhere anyway
Hermione: How would you know? You're too busy fighting evil to notice!
*Hermione was blushing scarlet now*
Snape: This is an interesting development...Well, I think I had better separate the two of you, so you can keep your minds on the mission rather than on your tangled love lives.
Harry: What's the point of separating us, that would make it harder.
Snape: I didn't mean that, the authors couldn't find a decent quote.
Hermione: Professor, don't you think it would complicate matters if your past self were to see us?
Snape: That's why I will be in disguise as the late Professor McGonagall. Come on, all of you.

*the three made their way into the Great Hall*

James Potter was up on stage...

James: *singing* Father, Into your hands I commend my spirit, Father into your hands...

*Snape bursts onto stage and removes the unmagicked underwear*

Snape: *singing* Why have you forsaken me, In your eyes forsaken me, In your thoughts forsaken me, In your heart forsaken me, oh!
James: *singing* Trust in my self righteous suicide, I, cry, when angels deserve to die
Snape: *singing* In my self righteous suicide, I, cry, when angels deserve to die


Dumbledore: Severus...So close no matter how far
Snape: Couldn't be much more from the heart
Dumbledore: Forever trusting who we are
Snape: And nothing else matters
Dumbledore: Never opened yourself this way
Snape: Life is ours, we live it our way, All these words I don't just say, And nothing else matters!
Dumbledore: Trust I seek and I find in you, Everyday for us something new...
Snape: Open mind for a different view
Dumbledore: And nothing else matters
Snape: Never cared for what they do...Never cared for what they know, But I know!


Dumbledore: You cannot defeat me Severus, I've got the marauders singing in perfect Harmony

Harry: *singing* Stay beside me, tell me what they've done, Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run. The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true. If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you

For reasons of taste and shipping the first word was changed

Snape: It is time, for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything.


Snape: New blood joins this earth, and quickly he's subdued, through constant pain disgrace, the young boy learns their rules, with time the child draws in, the whipping boy done wrong, deprived of all his thoughts, the young man struggles on and on he's known, a vow unto his own, that never from this day, his will they'll take away. What i've felt, what i've known, never shined through in what i've shown, never be, never see, won't see what might have been, what i've felt, what i've known, never shined through in what i've shown, never free, never me, so I dub thee unforgiven...


Harry: That's about as useful as the stuff Dumbledore told me at the end of OOTP.
Snape: Be quiet Potter, I hate you and you hate me. Can you dig it?
Harry: Like the 70's slang, Snape. All I am saying is give peace a chance.
Hermione: Yeah Snape. Let it be, let it be, let it be, oh, let it be. Whispered words of wisdom, let it be.
Snape: At last, some 70's music. No one pointed out that Metallica wasn't around in the 70's.
Kit: Give us a break, we're running out of material.
Kizz: But on the plus side, we've invented a new tag for musical posts.
Harry: Shame you killed off Ron , or else you could have him singing "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me."
Hermione: Yep, he's just a poor boy, from a poor family.
Snape: That's it, Potter, this is where the story ends.
*Snape grabs Harry*
Harry: Easy come easy go - will you let me go!
Snape and Slytherins: Bismillah! No - we will not let you go
Other houses: Let him go!
Snape and Slytherins: Bismillah! No - we will not let you go
Harry: Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Hermione: Harry, there's not time for this catchy and jumbled version of Bohemian Rhapsody, let's go!
*Harry breaks free of Snape*
Snape: Sorry Dumbledore, i'm a goodie now
Dumbledore: I'll contact Charlie Sheen, maybe he'll be interested in your part, cheesy lines like those.
Snape: No...not Sheen! What happened to your hippy routes Albus? peace and love - midnight binges?
Dumbledore: They ended the day the '60s were no more, 1st of January 1970. I still do the binges.
Snape: Naturally...
Harry: Look, there's no time for this. We need to escape.
Hermione: But how?
Kit: That can be arranged...
*Five flying pigs appear outside the entrance hall.*
Harry: Flying pigs? Couldn't it be broomsticks.
Kit: You should be a little bit more grateful. I could have left you stuck here.
Hermione: Okay. Plus, if we get lost on the way, we can always have bacon sandwiches.
*Mount flying pigs.*
Harry: Onwards and upwards!
Hermione: Haven't you realised, Harry. These pigs will not transport us in time, so we'll still be in 1974 when we get back.
Kit: Oh, don't worry about that. These are magic.... er, time travelling pigs. So when you get back it will all be back to normal.
Hermione: Oh, please! That is very poor story planning.

Meanwhile back at the sewer...
*Pigs land.*

Hermione: What is the significance of the sewer? How do pigs land underground?
Kizz: They're magic pigs, and look up through that drain

*Hermione looks up through that drain, sign reads Pillock Drive*

Hermione: Harry, where at your house!
Ron: How do you know? You've never been here.
Hermione: Oh really? Besides, I thought you were dead
*Ron resumes his deadness*

*Snape opens the and climbs through the drain cover, which should be locked, but isn't. At that moment an animagus rat resumes his normal form*

Pettigrew: Cauldrons! I got cauldrons here! Get your cauldrons!
Harry: You killed my parents!
Pettigrew: Get it right, I betrayed them. *sobs* All I wanted was some friends *breaks down crying*
Harry: You had 3 very good friends, and you killed them.
Pettigrew: No!! I squealed on James because he wouldn't play with me.
Harry: What about Black and Lupin?
Hermione: In this story you killed them Harry.
Snape: Idiot Potter.
Harry: Sorry, this plot's so screwed up i'm finding it hard to keep track.
Kizz: Look, it's simple enough: Harry's an idiot, Hermione's playing everyone and Dumbledore's evil.
Pettigrew: You're playing everyone?
Hermione: Well, yes...but it's not as if i've got much choice.

*she stretched out a placatory hand towards him*

Pettigrew: No! Your hands feel like Grindylow skin.
Ron: Hey let me feel!
Hermione: Geroff me!
Ron: Come on Hermione, it's only a little fun...come on!
Hermione: But your dead, Stupefy!

*Ron was stunned and resumed his deadness once again*

Snape: Enough of this, you've done enough killing Wormtail, it's my turn!
Harry: No!
Hermione: Please Professor!
Snape: ******! Do I go against the mudblood know-it-all or Potter?
Pettigrew: I would go against the mudblood
Snape: Do I go against the mudblood, Potter or the kid who made my life hell?
Hermione: Hmm...I say don't kill him
Snape: Excellent, AVADA KEDAVRA!

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and he heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him. Wormtail was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. He was dead.*

JKR: Wait!
Hermione: Look, it's JK Rowling and Harry Potter!
Harry: Ahem, I'm here...

*The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive. The only person left outdoors was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flowerbed outside number four.*

JKR: Why did you kill Wormtail? This story doesn't even have a disclaimer...not that it matters i'll sue you anyway. Harry! What have they done to you!
Kizz: We've exaggerated some of his character traits alittle and blamed it on the hormones.
JKR: Hormones? You call that hormonal behaviour?

*Harry#2 jumped up, sprinted across the road and propositioned Hermione*

Kizz: Wow...that's hormonal...but watch what mine can do -

*Harry#1 walked up the path of number 4 and into the house*

Harry#1: Aunt, Uncle!
Vernon: How dare you raise you voice in our house!

*Vernon backed into the wall. Harry was pointing the wand directly at Vernon's heart.*

JKR: No! Stop it you idiot!
Harry#1: AVADA KEDAVRA!

*A blast of green light blazed through JK's eyelids, and she heard something heavy fall to the ground beside her. Vernon was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside her. He was dead.*

JKR: Oh, great. Do you have any idea how much harder these stories are going to be now you've killed half my cast?
Harry#1: They haven't killed me.
JKR: Oh, that doesn't matter. I've already killed you at the start of book 6.
Harry#2: Oh...
Kit: Er... should you have said that.
JKR: Well, I suppose not. Anyway, the important thing is that I haven't told you that I'm a witch.
Kit: Oh... we are so getting sued for this.
JKR: Sued, you're be lucky!

*Harry spun around. JK Rowling was limping down the marble staircase. Her wand was out and it was pointing right at a pure white ferret, which was shivering on the stone-flagged floor, exactly where Kit had been standing.*

Hermione: Let's get out of here!

*The group run into a nearby house, suddenly several owls fly through the window*

Harry: We're being ambushed, at Mrs Figg's!

Join the trio in the next episode, only on Fox


Late disclaimer and Copyright Notice
The lyrics in this musical remain property of their respective copyright owners and are provided for comical purposes, if however you are one of the 99.9% of the world who doesn't like our humor, then it's for educational purposes. All characters stolen from Harry Potter remain property of JKR, as does JKR herself...I guess.

Chapter 5: Bram 'Rambo' Stoker's Karkaroff

Harry: Who would be sending us owls, who knows we're here?
Hermione: Open it, let's find out.

*Harry opens first letter*

Harry: It's another 72 hour AOL 8.0 trail, want it?
Hermione: I've already got 4
Kizz: Don't look at me, I've got boxes full and Kit's still a ferret.
Hermione: Try another one...
Harry: This one's from Ron
Hermione: Ron...I thought he was dead, unless someone went back in time and kidnapped him, read it!

*Ron's voice (only with a 25x more Oxfordshy-re like English accent) suddenly reads:*

Dearest Harry and Hermione,
someone went back in time and kidnapped me. I've been taken to Count Karkaroff's castle - Durmstrang II in Translyvania. All is well here. The count has insisted that I remain here for a month to tutor him in english custom, I can say no more, except I love you Hermione, and we shall be married upon my return.

Ever faithful,

Johnathan, I mean Ron.

Harry: You're getting married to Ron? After all our rotatary motion!
Hermione: When Pig flies?
Kizz: Hey, we gave you 5 flying pigs...ungrateful pagans.
Harry: Oh!, I get it now. And I'm beginning to feel the kind of love that Harry, I mean I experience when I have to selflessly rescue someone.
Hermione: Good, but we'll need more help. Where's Snape?

*Another owl flys through the window*

Harry: It's from Snape

*Snapes voice reads:*

Dirtiest Mudblood know-it-all and Potter boy,
I've gone to Tibet, I hate you and I don't want to help you anymore.

Malicious regards,
Snape, former Darker Lord's Secretary and Hogwarts Potions Master

Hermione: Tibet?
Harry: We've got to go talk sense into Snape

*HBITMAP Indiana_Jones_dotted_map_effects( *void, chr...I don't know C++)*

*Harry and Hermione arrive in Tibet with Flitwick*

Flitwick: Severus!
Snape: I don't believe it...
Flitwick: Good to see you again.
Snape: Yeah, you too.
Flitwick: You wanna tell me about it?
Snape: Well, they let me live here, I help out with potions, it's peaceful, quiet, no one is allowed to talk.
Filtwick: I don't know how much you know, but after the last chapter at Privet Drive Ron was kidnapped, I'm going in to rescue him.
Hermione: We want you to go with him Professor.
Snape: Why me ma'am?
Hermione: Because you're the only other character they haven't killed yet.
Snape: My war is over.
Flitwick: This mission's important Severus, we've got to take care of our people, come with me.
*Snape walks away*
Flitwick: You say you're war is over, maybe the war out there is, but what about the one inside you. You're running away from the pain.
Snape: It was a long time ago, I don't want it.
Flitwick: Severus, let me tell you a story. One morning there were two children, who went walking in the forest, when they discovered a house made out of sweets. Do you know what happened next Severus?
Snape: No?
Flitwick: There was a hag, she summoned them inside, tried to cook those two children. They got frightened, ended up putting her in the oven then ran away.
Snape: So what you're saying is...I'm that hag?
*Flitwick gave a nod*
Snape: If this is about me luring children into my candy house...
Flitwick: They didn't make you this fighting machine Severus, they just sent children wandering helplessly into the wood. And you'll never stop hiding until you face your two selfish, greedy children.
Snape: I'm sorry, this has got to end for me sometime.

*Flitwick arrives Durmstrang II, but he's too short to climb over the fence and it captured by townies, they made fun of his height and couldn't spell his name correctly*
*Harry and Hermione return to Tibet*

Hermione: Professor Flitwick was captured, I thought you should know.
Snape: You need to get me in there.
Harry: You serious?
Snape: Yes, I'm Serious.
Harry: It can't be offical.
Snape: Make it unoffical.
Harry: Are you sure you're up to this Snape?
Snape: I've used a few curses.
Harry: I'm not saying I trust you and I'm not saying I don't, but I don't.
Snape: Tough luck Potter, but this time it's personal.

*Indiana Jones map effect from Tibet to Translyvania - Durmstrang II*

Inside the castle...

*wolves can be heard howling*

Karkaroff: Enjoying the music red-head?
Ron: Music? What kind of sick man are you?
Karkaroff: Come on, Lupin isn't that bad a singer, he was in the Marauders
Ron: How do you know about the Marauders?
Karakaroff: There was a time when every little girl had posters of them all over her room, I was no exception.
Ron: Is that how you know Snape? Cross dressing in the Secret Closet of Underwear?
Snape: No, it began much earlier than that.
Karakaroff: Severus!
Snape: Dwa-cu-la!
Karakaroff: Get with the times dude, Dracula just wasn't cutting it anymore. So I fashoned myself a new name, a name I knew all wizards would fear to speak lest every woman they meet be a man!
Hermione: Oh! *passes out in horror*
*Harry catches her as doves fly in circles over their heads*
Ron: That's it, I don't want to be rescued if he's going to get Hermione.
Kizz: Grow up Ron, she's past out, not even I would do anything if a girl...hey, where's Harry?
*All turn around to see Harry lugging Hermione up a flight of stairs*
*Harry drops Hermione, who falls slowly and gently to the ground unharmed. Harry falls down the stairs and breaks both his arms*
Karakoff: Enough!
Snape: GALLINASORTIA!

*A rooster comes flying out of Snape's wand and gets impaled in Karakoff*

Snape: Killin', it's fantastic *winks*
Ferret Kit: Sqeak sqeak!
Snape: Oh, is that author still here?
Moody: He's trying to say 'turn me back'.
Snape: Where did you come from?
Moody: Aha! I knew it! You weren't having CONSTANT, NEVER CEASING VIGILANCE!
Scooby Doo: Scooby-dooby-doo!
Shaggy: Yikes! This is pretty scary, Scoob.
Snape: What the hell...
Daphne: Wait, this isn't the real Mad-Eye Moody. It's a mask.

*Daphne tries unsuccessfully to pull of Mad-Eye's face.*

Daphne: I don't believe it... it's always a mask. Oh well, I expect this scene will be cut. Everyone back in the Mystery Machine!

*Scooby Doo gang leave but get lost on the way back and are eaten by Giant Squid in Hogwart's Lake.*
*Hermione recovers from faint.*

Ferret Kit: SQUEAK SQUEAK!
Moody: Oh, very well.

*Kit changes from ferret into muscular hunk. Hermione faints.*

Harry: Oh, no. Not again. Will that girl never stop fainting? She fainted yesterday when I told her they'd changed brand of pumpkin juice...
Kit: Hey, I like this! I like this a lot! Take that, Kizz. You said I needed body building when in fact all I needed was to turn into a ferret!
Kizz: If only he wasn't frightened of girls or horribly disfigured he'd be set.

*Hermione recovers from faint.*

Harry: Come on, let's go!
Hermione: What about Flitwick?
Snape: It's too late for Flitwick
Flitwick: I'm over here
Ron: Wait, I need to get my gerbil!
Harry: You have a gerbil?
Ron: I liked Scabbers, but he wasn't that good a pet.
Harry: What about Pig?
Hermione: Never mind, Harry.
Snape: Let's go!

Meanwhile, back in Dumbledore's Office

*Dumbledore is on the fellytone.*

Dumbledore: Yes, I'd like a heated toilet seat, please. For my new bathroom.
Telephone Operative Okay, Mr. Dumbledore. And how would you like me to send it?
Dumbledore: Oh, by standard owl to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Telephone: Oh, very funny, Mr. Dumbledore. Who do you think you are, Harry Potter?
Dumbledore: No, he's a pupil here.
Telephone: And I'm JK Rowling.
Dumbledore: Oh, why didn't you say so. Listen, a couple of...

*Line goes dead.*

Dumbledore: Hello? Hello? Really, these muggle things are really very poor. That's the sixth time today the line has gone blank.
Pettigrew: Would you like me to kill the inventor of the telephone.
Dumbledore: John Yogie Bear? No, he's dead. Just kill the inventor of the toilet. His name's Edward *******, I think.
Pettigrew: Er... I think he might be dead as well...
Dumbledore: Well, kill someone. I'm starting to think.

*Hagrid enters office.*

Hagrid: Er, Professor Dumbledore, sir, I'd like to put a charm around my house. Something's eaten Fang. It's either a student or a dog-eating hippogriff.
Pettigrew: AVADA KEDAVRA!

*Hagrid dies.*

Kit: Woah, you killed Hagrid. That's.... extreme.
Dumbledore: Well, he should have died in Book 5, anyway. So he had it coming.
Kizz: I disagree with you there, see Hagrid's death wouldn't have moved the plot along much, speaking of plots...what's next?
Ron: We can always do a love plot, with me and Hermione.
Harry: That's not fair, i've only got your sister and that wacked out girl.
Kizz: And we can't introduce that wacked out girl because Morgoth will kill us, and Ozzy's got dibs on the drugs.
Ozzy: Somebody say that word?
Harry: So, all i've got is Ginny...
Kizz: Well no, remember your second year, when Ginny was possessed?



*Ginny starts bouncing up and down on bed*

Ginny: Make it stop!

*Nobody could do anything*

Ginny: Go away!
Percy: When I touch your forehead, open your eyes. Are you comfortable Ginny?
Ginny: Yes.
Percy: Is there someone inside you?
Ginny: Sometimes.
Percy: Who is it?
Ginny: I don't know.
Percy: Is it one of the authors?
Ginny: I don't know.
Percy: If I ask him to tell me will you let him answer?
Ginny: No.
Percy: Why not?
Ginny: I'm afraid.
Percy: If he talks to me, I think he'll leave. Do you want him to leave?
Ginny: Yes.
Percy: I'm speaking to the person inside of Ginny now, you must answer all my questions. Come forward, answer me now.

*Several objects fall to the ground, Ginny starts pulling faces and roaring*

Percy: Are you the person inside of Ginny? Who are you?

*Ginny kills Percy, rotates her head 180 degrees then fires green sick at Harry*

Ginny: eno on ma I, eid reh tel!
Harry: Yuk!...who's inside you!
Ginny: It's me, your old enemy.
Harry: Dudley?
Ginny: No!
Harry: Malfoy, Snape!...erm...Dumbledore!
Ginny: We've fough each other at the end of every school year, except in PoA of course.
*Harry pulls out a bottle of liquid*
Ginny: What is that?
*Harry sprays the liquid everywhere*
Ron: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! It burns!!
Harry: Ron? it's soapy water
Ron: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It burns!!

*Pomfrey grabs hold of Ginny*

Pomfrey: TAKE ME INSTEAD!

*Pomfrey jumps out of nearest window*



Harry: Yeah, I remember - but it's odd my memories are in the third person.
Hermione: Only to the second person.
Harry: What? So why can't I go out with Ginny? She's alright though now.
Kizz: I don't know - It seemed pointless to watch The Exorcist and not include it.
Ron: Ok, ok, so you can have my little sister, I'll have Hermione.
Hermione: You insensitive wart!

Will Ron ever grow up? Will we introduce that wacked out girl? These questions and more probably won't be answered in the next episode as we're starting on toliet humour

Chapter 6: Who paid for that wedding?*That night in the Great Hall*
Dumbledore: Despite the revelation of my evilness and the resignation of Professor Snape as my secretary and potions master, the Quidditch season will continue.
*Snape enters the Great Hall*
Dumbledore: Severus, you are no longer on my staff.
Snape: I'm still head of Slytherin house aren't I.
*For a fleeting instant, Snape thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*
Dumbledore: Of course. I regret to announce Professor McGonagall is not feeling too well...errr...she fell out a window.
Ginny: Oh! Can't Madame Pomfrey do anything?
Dumbledore: Unfortunately she cannot Miss Weasley, I'm afraid Madame Pomfrey is still possesed. Therefore I'm must take over as acting head of Gryffindor house, the first Quidditch game will be Gryffindor versus Slytherin. Tomorrow.
Snape: Tomorrow?
Dumbledore: Yes, tomorrow at dawn. Chicken Severus?
Snape: No, I'm full.
The next day at dawn...
Spinnet: Professor, sir, why did you make the first Quidditch match so soon, we haven't had any practice.
Dumbledore: You don't need practice. Now, Harry, the Snitch is in my hand.
*Harry thought, and no sooner had he reached the part about the Snitch, than a Golden sphere with wings emerged out of nowhere between Dumbledore's finger tips*
Spinnet: I don't see it.
Dumbledore: Only I, Harry and Professor Snape can.
Harry: You told Snape.
Dumbledore: Yes, but the Fidellius charm prevents him from telling anyone.
*Snape was going nuts pulling his hair out*
Harry: Sir, I know you're trying to help, but this is unfair.
Dumbledore: Shut up, Harry. Life isn't fair. That's why Hagrid died.
Harry: Hagrid died?
Dumbledore: Never mind. Come on, I've seen your posts in the forums, you thought Hagrid was going to die as well.
Harry: But who will befriend the giants.
Dumbledore: Oh, don't worry, I've already sorted that.
Harry: Who?
Dumbledore: Dobby.
Harry: Dobby?
Dumbledore: Well, I had to give him a token part Harry. And with an Engorgio charm he looks just like a Giant.
Malfoy: You're going down scarhead.
Scarhead: I mean Harry: You're all talk Malfoy.
Malfoy: You really think so?
*BANG! Harry felt something white-hot graze the side of his face - he plunged his hand into his robes for his wand, but before he'd even touched it, he heard a second loud BANG, and a roar that echoed through the stadium. Harry spun around. Directly above them, framed in the doorway from the changing room, stood Albus Dumbledore, his wand aloft, his face white and furious. Harry felt a kind of electric charge surge through every particle of his body*

Dumbledore: Severus, it seems your seeker has been turned into a donkey, i'm afraid he's unable to play.
Pomfrey: It's okay, I'm back. I'll have him fixed in no time.
Dumbledore: I think you'll find you're wrong there, Poppy *peering at her over the half moon spectacles perched halfway down his crooked nose*
*As Dumbledore spoke, Harry heard a rustle behind him and rather thought Dumbledore whispered something. He could have sworn, too, that he felt something brush against his side, a gentle something like a draught or bird wings, but looking down he saw nothing there.*
Pomfrey: Ahhhhhh!! Je suis pingouin, m'aidez! m'aidez!
*Pomfrey ran away and dived into the lake*
Dumbledore: Now that's over...
*Dumbledore blows whistle. Quidditch game commences.*
Lee Jordan: Oh, come on Gryffindor! You Slytherins are rubbish.
McGonagall: Jordan!
Kit: You're meant to be dead.
McGonagall: Yes, but I've got to come back for this scene to keep him in check. Especially as they seem to have cast a girl to play him in the films.
Kit: Oh, alright. We never seem to have much problem bringing characters back from the dead.
Lee: Yes, you Slytherins are scum!
McGonagall: Oh, that's it. I've put up with this long enough. AVADA KEDAVRA!
*Lee Jordan dies. Shocked silence, then....*
Crowd: *wild cheering, except the Weasley Twins who do slow cheering to Funeral Music.*
Draco: Potter! Now that annoying twit has gone, it really puts the whole thing in perspective, doesn't it? I say that we put behind the differences of old and move to a better tomorrow, where Gryffindor, Slytherin and Ravenclaw work together.
Ernie MacMillan: What about Hufflepuff?
Draco: No, sorry. No duffers in this all-inclusive unity of wizards.
*Draco and Harry embrace to Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On... Again'.*
Dumbledore: No, no! This school meant to be becoming evil. Stop it I tell you, stop it.
McGonagall: Don't you think this is wonderful, Albus?
Dumbledore: No, AVADA KEDAVRA!
*McGonagall dies... again.*
Kit: Thanks, Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: That's okay. Now, I need to find Harry. This story is losing it's zing, kapow, zazz, whatever, and I need to reveal a big secret to him, as deaths just won't keep people reading anymore.
Kit: Great. Just a sec...
*A large hand plucks Dumbledore from the sky and drops him next to Harry.*
Dumbledore: Harry, I have something shocking and disturbing that will break you down, and now seems the right time to tell you.
Harry: Er... okay, shoot.
Dumbledore: Harry, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Harry: What? Why didn't you tell me about this before.
Dumbledore: Well, to boost my retirement fund I need people to buy all seven books, Harry. I need to keep making revelations.
Harry: But... is this why my father was so popular?
Dumbledore: Alas, indeed. In fact, he was a spoilt brat. He merely told the rest of the marauders that he knew where a magical elderberry tree grew, and that they could use them to make elderberry gin. He was not as popular as I may or may not have lead you to belive by never giving you straight answers throughout the books.
Harry: But why is my mother a hamster, then?
Dumbledore: Oh, he managed to transfigure her into a hamster and we couldn't figure out the counter curse. So we decided that it was only fair that James should have to keep him. Mainly because the house elves refused to cook it.
Harry: But, how did a hamster's love protect me?
Dumbledore: Ah, that's the clever part. You remember in Goblet Of Fire when you saw your father come out of the wand first, even though it should have been the other way around? Well, it was the right way round. Lord Voldermort knew that James would rather die than give up his hamster. So, he threatened to kill her first. Unfortuanately, the hamster bit Voldermort, and so he killed her anyway.
Harry: Oh. But why did Voldermort want to kill my parents?
Dumbledore: Oh, I can't tell you that yet, Harry. But I can tell you this. Remember the flower arranging classes you received from Severus Snape on my order. The ones we had to cover up as Occulemency when you accidentally read Snape's mind. Well, your mother had an accident with Peter Pettigrew, and that was what bought about the gerbil.
Harry: Peter? NO!
Kizz: Thanks alot Kit, you've ruined my real twist.
Harry: Another twist? I can't take this anymore! Explain.
Kizz: I'll make Snape do the explaining...this may make more or less sense that Kit's explaination.
Snape: It is time, for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything.
Harry: What? Hurry up already!
Snape: You don't tell Dumbledore to hurry up when he explains everything.
Harry: Dumbledore washes his hair.
*Snape shot a look of pure venom at Harry*
Dumbledore: Very well - I'll do it, it all began in 1976, the Marauders were on a sell out tour of Europe with hits from their new album, "Trust the Werewolf". When the accident happened.
Lupin: It was no accident.
Harry: Professor Lupin, you're dead.
Lupin: Only in this story Harry, you shouldn't have killed me, when the Cod Squad get wind of this they'll slap the authors to the moon in the year 2123.
Dumbledore: Stop the useless foreshadowing Remus and continue the story.
Lupin: Fine. It was no accident. We were on our sell out tour when our drummer started getting fan mail from someone called Hans Gruber.
Harry: Drummer?
Lupin: Oh yes, back in them days there were 5 marauders.
Harry: Who was the other one?
Lupin: I'm getting to that part. One day he received a pair of underwear, not having NEVER CEASING VIGILENCE Lee Evans wore the underwear.
Harry: Lee Evans, isn't he that comedian?
Lupin: Yes, but in this story he's a drummer and father of Mark Evans, a boy he depositied in 1985.
Harry: So who sent the underwear?
Dumbledore: It was Severus, driven insane by love, but when Lily finally came around she was in love with James, Severus grew mad and put a curse on them, to mess up the gender of their firstborn.
Harry: So...I should be a girl.
Dumbledore: It seems obvious the night Voldemort attacked the curse transferred to him, the high pitch voice and skill at multitasking all point to it.
Harry: That explains everything!
Kizz: I thought it might.

Chapter 7: The Mystery of Departments
*Dumbledore has found yet another reason to call the main characters together*
Dumbledore: I'm making an announcement
Harry: Wait, where are we?
Kizz: No idea, I'm in Allington on the lock...you can be in the Great Hall.
Dumbledore: That will do, where was I...oh yes, this week we shall be having our first Miss Hogwarts competition.
Harry: Is that for the girl who looks best or the one who looks like a hog with warts?
Dumbledore: You'll find I'm never bias against gender, beautiful boys may enter too of course.
Malfoy: So I may enter?
Kizz: Yuk! Emma Watson wins, get out!
Malfoy: But she isn't even a stud...
*Malfoy suddenly disappears*

Later that night...

*Harry was running through the corridor again, past the toilets on the second floor, then up or down stairs to the door*

The next morning...

Harry: Why the bloody hell am I dreaming about the staff room?
Hermione: Maybe it's a plot hint
Voldemort: Clever filthy mudblood. I did want you to solve the mystery of the departments at hogwarts, but now i'll give you advice.
Harry: How on earth did you get into Hogwarts?
Voldemort: I sneaked in during the Miss Hogwarts competition. Emma Watson won I heard...foxy little chick.
Harry: Have you no respect for women?
Voldemort: You should see what the press is writing about you.
Dumbledore: You see Harry, far too many people like Voldemort, so they've made him into a murderous womaniser with a high pitch voice.
Voldemort: Well, I've still got my evilness. Join me Harry and we can defeat Dumbledore once and for all, all even show you how to make that mudblood worthy of the Hufflepuff common room.
Harry: I don't get it.
Kizz: It works on so many levels.
Harry: I'll never join you!
Voldemort: And I suppose you're going to stop him?
Harry: I beat you enough times
Extras: ooooooo!
Voldemort: I suppose you're have to travel back in time.
Harry: We already tried that. Dumbledore's been evil since the 1970's.
Voldemort: Then go back further to before he started tripping out on dragons blood, and enlist his help to defeat the future one.
Harry: So that's why Hagrid wanted a dragon...that's a pretty good plan.
Voldemort: Thanksssss
*Voldemort disappeared in a puff of purple smoke*
*Harry ran into the Gryffindor common room to find Hermione, but she was actually behind him the whole time*
Harry: I think Voldemort's plan could work
Hermione: But when do we travel back?
Harry: Now would be okay, do you have the timeturner?
Hermione: Of course. Now how many turns?
Harry: Well, we know Dumbledore is 150, and each turn turns back an hours. So that will be millions of times!
Kizz: Nah, only 876,600 times.
Hermione: I thought that might be the case, so I stole another time turner and made a few adjustments. It turns back a year at a time, has extra lights, a cool loud horn and massive bass speakers. Look.

*Hermione twiddles knob at top of time turner. Toxicity blasts from the speakers.*

Harry: That’s great, Hermione, but we really need to get back and get Dumbledore while he’s still addicted to Dragon’s Blood. Let’s try when he was 100. So that’s 60 odd turns of the Time Turner.
Hermione: Okay.

*Hermione turns time turner. Harry feels a sharp tug behind his navel. He sees flashes of images around him, for some reason they seem to keep skidding around corners. Then, they fall to the ground in a laboratory.*

*Dumbledore is in the middle of the lab, sleeping on the desk next to a phial of blood. He has a large bruise on his nose, another man is lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, it was Ozzy.*

Harry: Wake up Professor!
Ozzy: Who the bloody hell are you.
Harry: Oh sorry, I’m Harry Potter.
*Ozzy eyes flicked to the scar, despite them all being back more than 40 years before Harry existed*
Harry: I need to get Dumbledore to come to the future and defeat his future evil self.
Dumbledore: My future evil self?
*For a fleeting instant, Harry thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*
Hermione: We mean…your future good self.
Dumbledore: Very well…we must leave at once.
*Before Hermione could reach the timeturner that was round her neck (and could easily be reached by her), Ozzy had grabbed hold of it and shook it*
Harry: Not again!
*Harry feels a sharp tug behind his navel. He sees flashes of images around him and they land with a crash on a rock, on the moon, in the year 2123. Future Dumbledore is standing in a space helmet behind them, in this story... there’s enough oxygen on the moon…and Dumbledore erm…is going to a fancy dress party*
Hermione: This future is so weird…the US control the world!
Bailey: Who are you?
Hermione: I’m Hermione Granger, ultra-English anti-social boffin, ask me anything.
Bailey: I’m an air-head American cheerleader, I don’t need to know anything. That pink hoodie is so 1994.
Harry: And who are you?
Harry#3: I’m Harry Potter, American school boy wizard who happens to travel to England with his two friends who are also wizards in search of my parents.
Harry: They’re dead, so bugger off, mate.
Harry#3: I’m English, so I understand everything you just said.
Bailey: I’m American, I probably do understand a lot, but still, make it unnecessarily simple and make the whole world believe we’re dumb.
Harry: So what’s brought this plot twist on?
Kizz: Something someone found in IN power magazine apparently. It’s all messed up, but you’ve got a prerequisite cheerleader girlfriend.
Harry: He gets a cheerleader?
Kizz: I guess so, played by Mara Wilson, so you’re better off with Hermione and Emma even if it’s just to look at, now excuse me, I’ve got to go work on kidnapping…someone. *exeunt Kizz in a puff of hallucinogenic smoke*.
Evil Dumbledore: Ahh…the good stuff.
Harry: Professor Dumbledore? You look different.
Evil Dumbledore: We must join with the Dark Lord Suaron, you must join me, Obi-Wan. And together we will destroy the Sith!
Harry: They got you too Professor?
Evil Dumbledore: No, to make this seem like a timeless classic the authors randomly interject disjointed quotes from other books.
Kit: Darn straight.
Good Dumbledore: So, what are you up to nowadays, Albus.
Evil Dumbledore: Oh, you know. Thinking about retirement. Getting high on dragons blood. Trying to wipe out mudbloods, you know.
Good Dumbledore: What! That is just out of order. Why are you thinking about retirement. You’re only 175, Albus.
Harry: Er, Professor. You need to defeat the evil Dumbledore.
Good Dumbledore: Er, yes. I challenge you to a wizards duel, Albus. You can choose the weapons.
Evil Dumbledore: I choose wands.
Good Dumbledore: Yes, everyone always does.

*Good Dumbledore and Evil Dumbledore face each other. They bow and walk away, before turning again to face each other.*

Evil Dumbledore: Wingardium Leviosa!

*A lunar rock falls and crushes good Dumbledore.*

Evil Dumbledore: Ha! I win!
Hermione: Wait, that shouldn’t be.

*A huge, brightly glowing hole has been torn in the fabric of the Universe. It is sucking time into it. Looking at Dumbledore, he sees the wrinkles disappearing, and then, in horror, he sees that he has the body of a four year old child, and is rapidly shrinking. He becomes a baby, then, with a pop, disappears and suddenly sits bolt upright in bed. It was all a dream. He’d never gone and stayed with the Dursley’s, and he was at home, In Godric’s hollow, with his Mum and Dad.*

*Suddenly, Harry sits bolt upright. He is back on the moon. It is still the future, because the moon is painted in red, white and blue stripes by the US.*

Harry: What happened?
Dumbledore: I killed myself, by accident. Unfortunately, as you’d know if you read sci-fi, that opens up a hole in the whole space-time continuum, and the universe collapses on itself. Luckily, I had some spellotape to fix it back together again.
Harry: That was lucky. Can you tell us some more about spellotape, Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Yes, it’s an excellent product, Harry. Only £1.09 from all good retailers.
Kit: Er, guys, I’m not paying you to advertise spellotape. On with the story…
Kizz: This is too confusing, Dumbledore just killed his past self.
Hermione: Then surely he should be dead…but he’s right here.
Kizz: Nuts to this.
*Kizz removes spellotape from the continuum*

*Dumbledore has found yet another reason to call the main characters together*
Dumbledore: I'm making an announcement
Harry: Wait, where are we?
Kizz: You’re in the past again, you just had a cool adventure on the moon, but it didn’t make any sense.
Hermione: Why didn’t it make sense?
Kizz: Kit’s been tripping out on dragon’s blood.

To be continued, when we rip off yet another author in the originally titled ’20,000 leagues under the lake’.

Chapter 8 : 20,000 Leagues Under the Lake

Hagrid enters the great hall, McG, Lupin, Black, Ron and everyone are alive again due to parts of the continuum being stuck together with residual spellotape.

The spellotape is also holding part of the plot together - so they're going to the US on the HMS Heron (Titanic rip-off). They meet the 'unsinkable' Hufflepuff. It turns out Ravenclaw is Slytherin in drag. The Heron sinks on the madien voyage after it collides with evil Lord Voldemort's (Nemo) submarine layer, he is hunting a giant squid but was taken off course by a plot current that took him to the North Alantic from the Irish sea. He explains that it was Slytherin how discover electricity but didn't want muggles to know about it because it could provide enough light to expose cross dressers in the night.

*Dumbledore and the main characters are still in the hall, about to hear the announcement about the Miss Hogwarts beauty contest.*

Dumbledore: They were?
Kizz: Indeed.
Harry: I'm more interested in sorting out these twisted revelations. Where is the elderberry tree? How could my mother be Lee Evans and a hamster?
Dumbledore: Only your father knows where the Elderberry tree grows, young Harry.
Kizz: It's in Allington, not too far from the pub.
Hermione: There's not much point going there, it won't help the plot.
Kizz: I picked all the elderberries!

*Hagrid enters Great Hall, Kizz disappears in a puff of elderberry flavored smoke *

Harry: I thought he was dead.
McGonagal: What? Hagrids right there.
Hermione: I can see why the Darker Lord killed you.
McGonagol: Miss Granger what are trying to say?
Dumbledore: It seems there is still spellotape binding the plot of this chapter to the last.
Ron: Huh? what you talking about jive turkey?
Harry: What's happened to Ron?
Dumbledore: Interesting, but I suspect it is another failed attempt at humour. Anyway, I must ask you all to travel with me to America.
Ron: Why?
Hermione: Don't you see Ron, we're resuming the plot of the last chapter.
Dumbledore: We will be travelling on board the HMS Heron, the most celebrated and therefore the most likely ship.

*On board the Heron McGonagol is sitting at a table with the 'unsinkable' Molly Weasley while Dumbledore and Hermione discuss evilness and the absence of Professor Snape is most of the last chapter.*

Hermione: So Professor, where do you think Professor Snape is?
Dumbledore: He's teaching 5th grade english in New York.
Hermione: How did you find out?
Dumbledore: I have seen it.
Hermione: Oh no, it's happening again.

*Harry and Ron were walking the deck*

Harry: Does that look like an iceberg to you?
Ron: That would be a funny metaphor wouldn't it, if the Heron sunk before me and Hermione had got together.

*The electric light went out suddenly, and two enormous waterspouts broke over the bridge of the frigate, rushing like a torrent from stem to stern, overthrowing men, and breaking the lashings of the spars. A fearful shock followed, and, thrown over the rail without having time to stop themselves, they fell into the sea.*

On board the sinking Heron...

McGonagol: Oh no Albus, the ship is sinking!
Dumbledore: Ah good, I guess we're not going to America after all...portus!

*Everyone apart from Ron and Harry takes a portkey out*

Ron: Looks like this is the end, and I never propositioned Hermione.
Harry: You weren't missing out on anything, she's not that good.
Ron: But I just want to feel like a man.
Harry: Huh? What is it about wizard's chess that makes you feel manly? You must have played everyone in the school, and Dumbledore!
Ron: It was only a bit of fun, those Slytherin girls were pretty aggressive. Anyway, we're in the middle of the ocean...we're doomed!
Harry: Don't panic Ron, we've still got our wands.
Ron: The bubblehead charm!
Harry: Actually I was thinking more of using them as floats.
Ron: As if I'd be able to use that charm anyway.
Harry: what's that?
Ron: Be carefuL will yOur grammar Harry.
Kizz: Sorry guys, I can't see what I'm doing, its pitch black and this backlight is blinding me.
Harry: Look, it's some kind of huge narwhal!

*He kicked it. It was evidently a hard, impenetrable body, and not the soft substance that forms the bodies of the great marine mammalia. But this hard body might be a bony covering, like that of the antediluvian animals; and he should be free to class this monster among amphibious reptiles, such as tortoises or alligators. *

Ron: I don't like this Harry...

*One iron plate was moved, a man appeared, uttered an odd cry, and disappeared immediately.
Some moments after, eight strong men, with masked faces, appeared noiselessly, and drew them down into their formidable machine. *

Harry: Oh great, death eater seamen.
Voldemort: I hope you like my submarine Potter.
Ron: I've seen bigger.
Voldemort: And you wonder why you don't have a girlfriend? It's not the size that matters, it's the lack of resistance when traveling through water.
Ron: What's that got to do with me not having a girlfriend?
Voldemort: Nothing, you're a redhead.
Ron: Well Hermione doesn't mind.
Voldemort: She does.
Ron: How would you...
Voldemort: I've was pulling evil chicks when you were still...
Lucius: Fish?
Harry: You know it's traditional to use an opportunity like this to say something rude.
Ozzy: ****!, why is it so bloody dark?
Kizz: Is that what you mean?
Harry: No...something like *******s!

*Voldemort was just handing round a box of after-dinner mints when a huge barn owl swooped through the hatch, dropped a letter on Ron's nose and swooped out again*

Ron: Harry, it's for you.

*Morgoth's voice filled the submarine*

Dear Scarhead,
We have received intelligence that a rude word was used at your submarine this evening.
As you know, I'm the boss of everything, say anything again I'll set Lani on you.
Enjoy your mission!
Yours sincerely,
Morgoth
Minister of Eternity,
Minister of Magic,
Controller of all things

*Harry looked up from the letter and gulped*

Harry: Great! It’s the author’s fault, anyway, don’t you have some revelation to tell me.
Voldemort: How did you guess?
Harry: This chapter’s been so boring so far, the authors are going to need a few revelations.
Kizz: Or another musical.
Harry: Not again!
Kizz: Just a quick one, about your mother.
Harry: She was a he, and she was also a hamster.
Kizz: That’s what you think.


Voldemort: The Moon, she hangs like a cruel portrait, soft winds whisper the bidding of trees, as this tragedy starts with a shattered glass heart and the Midnightmare trampling of dreams. But oh, no tears please. Fear and pain may accompany Death, but it is desire that shepherds it's certainty as we shall see...
Lucius: She was divinity's creature that kissed in cold mirrors. A Queen of Snow. Far beyond compare, lips attuned to symmetry, sought Her everywhere. Dark liquored eyes, an Arabian nightmare...
Snape: That fateful Eve when the trees stank of sunset and camphor, their lanterns chased phantoms and threw, an inquisitive glance, like the shadows they cast, on my love picking rue by the light of the moon.

*more singing*

Snape: She'd sworn me vows in fragrant blood
"Never to part lest jealous Heaven stole our hearts"
Then this I screamed:
"Come back to Me, I was born in love with thee so why should fate stand in between?"


Harry: Snape…and my mother?
Kizz: That’s right, she was a witch.
Harry: Well…obviously!
Kizz: She was a magic hamster.
Harry: That’s not too much of a shock.
Snape: Ah, Potter, but you haven’t heard my life story.
Harry: I don’t think I want to.
Snape: Too bad Potter.

*Snape plays with hair and twirls his goatee.*

Harry: Hey, where did you get a goatee from?
Snape: I borrowed it off Karkaroff. We were going to have the real thing, but we couldn’t afford Margaret Thatcher, so you’re stuck with me. Anyway….


Snape: When I was just a little boy / I asked my mother, what will I be? / Will I be happy? Will I be rich? / Here’s what she said to me: / Que sera, sera / You’ll be a Potion master, fantastic / But also a little sadistic / Que sera, sera.


Snape: That song still brings me to tears.
Harry: That song was awful. And the forced rhyming did nothing for me.
Kit: Silence, fool. Do you know how hard it is to adapt songs like that.
Hermione: Woah, author! In Matthew 5 v. 22 does it not say “anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell”?
Kit: And does not Micah 5 v.12 say “I will destroy your witchcraft and you will no longer cast spells.”
Hermione: Okay, okay.
Harry: Anyway, guys. From now on I want you to call me Mike.
Ron: What? Why.
Harry: Well, Harry sounds so Eton-posh-English. I want something that speaks power, wisdom and portrays the dynamic nature of my character, while still sounding ordinary.
Kit: Well, this is kind of unconventional.
JKR: No!
Kit: Ah! Where did you come from?
JKR: Oh, I used my broomstick. Anyway, you’re not changing Harry’s name. I’m already rich from the name, it was my idea and you’re not touching it.
Kit: Okay. Sorry, Harry, no can do.
Wannabe Mike: Oh well, back to being taunted. Anyway for a scone. (sc-oh-n)
Kit: It’s pronounced sc-o-n.
Harry: Not where I come from, Kent.
Hermione: Actually Harry, you live in Surrey.
Kit: Shh. It’s a knock at the co-author.
Kizz: We’re not posh, so bugger off. And what’s Hermione doing here? I sent her back with Dumbledore.
Hermione: I don’t think anyone cares.
Kizz: Fine, now that you’ve reached this part of the plot, has anyone got any questions?
Hermione: Why is Voldemort on an electrical submarine?
Voldemort: You don’t know the real reason why we hate muggles do you?
JKR: There is no reason, he’s an evil maniac!
Voldemort: Electricity! Salazar Slytherin was the one to discover it, he knew what it could be used for, and he had to suppress all knowledge of it.
Hermione: But why?
Voldemort: He knew if harvested and used properly it could create light, light they could you to expose his kind in the dark.
Hermione: His kind?
Voldemort: He couldn’t allow the closet of underwear to become unless, so he invented the put outer, a tool for all cross dressers. So you see? Electricity was ours all along. You should have known Dumbledore was evil, he had a put outer in the first book, but you where all too busy feeling sorry for Harry, and wondering what kind of strange and exciting adventures he’d be having. You fools.
Ron: Matthew 5 v 22 says…
Unnamed_extra#2: Warning! Ron! You’re about to get hit around the head.
*Suddenly and without warning a copy of OotP fell on Ron*
Harry: That isn’t funny second time, I know your going to bring him back.
Kizz: It’s ok, I’ve worked out another way of keeping our readers.
Lily: squeak squeak!
Kizz: Is she coming on to me?
Hermione: She must be drunk on elderberry wine.
Kizz: I knew that.
Harry: Does anyone know any spells to make her sober?
Kizz: I know one that Lily taught me, at least I think it’s a spell. Ahem, kizzy whizzy let’s get busy!
*nothing happened*
Kizz: The story of my life…
Hermione: There are no spells to cure drunkenness, and all this author-involvement is ruining the plot, is it necessary?
Kizz: Not really, we’ve just got to the point in this chapter when we’ve run out of real ideas, it’s either this or endless re-runs of your ex-favorite shows.
Kit: Yeah, cause it’s such hard work writing all this fanfic. *stretches out and drinks coffee*

Narrator: *in a deep, sexy voice* And so the intrepid adventures of our heros continue. Due to a lack in plot ideas, the characters are transported to an abandoned warehouse. Luckily, you won’t notice this major plot gap mainly due to the spellotape holding this plot, and by coincidence, the Universe as well. Anyway, not that it matters, as everything is an illusion and we are trapped inside the Matrix.

Dumbledore: Ha, Potter. Now, at last, I have you in my clutches. And this time, your mother isn’t here to save you.
Voldemort: *appears with a crack, or maybe a pop, depending on how the author is feeling* How dare you steal my line! And Harry, dear, it’s nice to see you.
Harry: Hey, you’re not Voldemort at all, you’re Mrs. Weasley.
Kit: Um… obliviate!
Hermione: I just keep wondering if Morpheus is so sure, why doesn't he take him to see the Oracle?
Harry: Huh? What are you on, Hermione?
Hermione: Um… I kind of stole some of Professor Dumbledore’s dragon blood.
Harry: Hey, you shouldn’t take that stuff… you can get send to Azkaban, or worse… expelled.
Hermione: You just stole that line from the films.
Kit: Ha, my evil plan to cover up my slip has succeeded…
Voldemort: Anyway, Dumbledore, I challenge you to a duel to decide the title of the darkest wizard. Do you accept the challenge?
Dumbledore: That’s crazy, I’m the only wizard you ever feared. Why?
Voldemort: Well, I stole some of your dragons blood as well…

*For a brief period Dumbledore, Voldemort and Hermione dance naked around a campfire, in a subplot that in no way links to or advances the rest of the story.*

Dumbledore: *brushes back hair* Ah, that was fun. Anyway, back to the matter-of-life-or-death duel.

*Voldemort and Dumbledore face each other, pull out their wands and bow slightly before striding back 20 paces. Suddenly, both turn, but Dumbledore first.*

Dumbledore: Apricus Amoenus!

*A Sunny Delight bottle clamps itself to Voldemort’s lips. Voldemort gulps, but no liquid goes from the bottle.*

Hermione: *winces* Oh, that was harsh. That spell forces the person to drink Sunny Delight for the rest of their life, therefore giving them but a cursed, half-life.
Ron: But won’t he starve?
Hermione: No! There’s so much sugar, he’ll easily survive. But he might get scurvy, since there’s no real orange juice in there at all.
Kizz: He’ll also turn pink. I feel product placement in this story is getting beyond our control, only with the cool, refreshing and sterilising tropical taste of Lilt can we chill.
Ron: I can’t take it anymore.
Kizz: I’m afraid you’ll have to. You see, the TPerson component you inherit from is in a commercial package, which comes packed full of code to alter you so they can tailor media to your liking.

*suddenly and without warning, 100 flying windows appeared out of thin air*

Bill Gates: I’ll have you know I’m controlling this plot!
Ron: Well, who the hell are you?

*Ron suddenly drops dead.*

Kit: What the hell?
Bill: I infected him with a computer virus! I’m evil, I tell you! Pft, Apple Macs! Who uses those! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and get a haircut. Buy Coca-Cola!
Kit: Okay, that was… strange.
Kizz: He’s not so big.
Hermione: That was really lame.
Kizz: I don’t care - get lost Hermione!
Hermione: But, you need me?
Kizz: Get him Linus!
Linus Torvalds: Hold on, I just need to rebuild the kernel, I’m overloading the memory access functions.
Kizz: Why?
Bill: Clever, string based addressing, so instead of getting an invalid page fault in $4B63D2E5, it’ll be in “MY COFFEE”.
Linus Torvalds: I don’t know about you, but I don’t need errors.
Kit: Ah, Linux… the operating system of kings… and those who can’t afford Windows.
Harry: Guys, this is a fantasy story. I don’t want your nerdish tendencies infecting it.
Kit: Shut up, Potter, I’m not taking any rubbish from you. I’m emotionally unstable, I’ve just learnt that the next chapter may well be the longest chapter in fanfic history, and I won’t pretend that I’m not a little scared.

*Camera sweeps down towards Hogwarts, and through the window of the Great Hall. Shattered glass flies everywhere.*

Trelawney: Ah! It is a prediction of the franchising of the Harry Potter brand. Soon we’ll have chocolate frogs and Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans available in Muggle shops.
Dumbledore: Alas, it has already happened. Apart from the fact that they think that adding ‘carrot’ and ‘horseradish’ flavours to normal flavours will make them qualify as ‘every flavour’. I remember I got a tomato flavoured one once.
McGonagal: Is it the start of the second war, Albus?
Hagrid: I dunno, Professor, but something bad is happening. It’s time to live life to the full. I’m off to the Mormons so that I can have a human wife, as well as Fang.

*Hagrid disappears to join Mormons*

Sprout: Do you have any idea where this plot is going?
Firenze: Mars is bright tonight.
Sprout: Oh, you’re always saying that.
Bane: That is because he is not a common mule.
Dumbledore: Hey, guys… I’m sensing negative vibes.
McGonagall: Albus! Have you been in Ozzy’s desk again?
Dumbledore: Woah, mellow out, hip chick. You’ve got to think outside the square.
McGonagall: Students! This story has been cancelled! Someone has let Dumbledore into Ozzy’s office again. Unless the perpetrator is caught… it is likely that Hogwarts will have to close.

Story will be continued when the perpetrator is caught.

Chapter 9: Harry Potter and the Alcoholic's Cell

*Harry, Ron and the other one are in France on their summer holiday*

Vernon: I never said you could go on holiday!

Harry: Why did you bring everyone back from the dead?

Kizz: I'm not sending you and the girl off to France together alone.

Hermione: Why won't you say my name? And why are we going to France?

Kizz: It's got alot of real life significance, and because it's the only place you can buy that nice chocolate, and beer, always beer.

Hermione: Is that all you think about?

Kizz: I think it's blatantly obvious that it is.

Draco: I want a more significant role in this plot.

Kizz: You're not having it, while my dad was making a mess of an SNCF train to Nice I thought up a stupid plot. I'm resetting this story.

Draco: Then why didn't you delete this part?

Kizz: It's got real life significance.

Draco: You don't have a life.

Hermione: Being put down by a fictional character, that's low.

Draco: I love you Hermione.

Harry: Should have kept your mouth shut.

Kizz: On the good side I've got an entire train and bar to myself.

Ron: I'll join you for a pint.

Kizz: Of vodka?

Ron: Then karaoke!

*2 pints of vodka later*

Kizz: Okay, I've got a joke: what's the difference between a stone and a pillow?

Ron: Erm...

Kizz: They're both soft apart from a stone! *collapses*

*Hermione enters*

Ron: And now l'll perform this song what I wrote.



Ron: Love is only a feeling
When I'm in your arms I start believing
But love is only a feeling
Anyway

Hermione: You never wrote that!

Ron: How about it Hermione, will you marry me?

Harry: Wait up, what brought this plot change on?

Kizz: Alcohol of course. I've only seen 3 SNCF people on this train, they're all in this bar and the driver keeps smiling at some girl, which really raises some questions.

Harry: Stop sticking real life details into this, it's about Dumbledore and evilness.

Kizz: You're beginning to pay attention Harry. Tell me, what was your mother's maiden name?

Harry: Evans.

Kizz: Wrong! She was a hamster, not a maiden.

JKR: Stop! You're not getting away with this any more.

Kizz: How did you get here?

JKR: Comment puis je parler le français bien comme ci?

Kizz: Mais, vous habitez en Ecosse, si vous seriez francaise vous ne pouviez pas les comprendre...

JKR: Bien sûr je peux, n'as pas tu entendu? Je suis sorcière!

Kizz: Right you are.

JKR: Why do you think there are so many references to pagan practices? I wanted something that would inspire evilness. But all I got was some skinny little twit, a ginger runt and a know it all. So I slapped a $29 price tag on it and made them wipe out 10,00,000 hectacres of forest printing it

Hermione: But I'm based on you...

JKR: You were supposed to be irresistible to men.

Hermione: What happened?

JKR: Ron's ginger and now everyone thinks Harry's gay.

Harry: Am I?

Hermione: No Harry, that would be against forum rules.

Kizz: You're forgetting, we've got the most powerful plot device ever written.

Draco Femme: Aren't I beautiful?

Hermione: I'm confused, shouldn't the authors like me?

JKR: They do.

Kizz: I don't know.

*Harry and Ron both made furious moves toward Malfoy, but Hermione got there first -- SMACK!

She had slapped Malfoy across the face with all the strength she could muster.*

Draco Femme: Ouch! What was that for?

Kizz: It seems I've found a new use for Hermione.

Draco Femme: That really hurt!

Harry: Let me make it better for you.

*scene never written because it's gonna be cut anyway [edit: written et suivant]*

[cut this]

Draco Femme: No! I'm in love with Snape.

Harry: But its so wrong yet feels so right...

Ron: What does?

Harry Femme: This underwear, I would be evil just for one night in these.[/cut this]

Hermione: Are you actaully going to cut that?

Kizz: I'll probably tell Kit to leave it in, but not explain which bits so he'll leave it all in, including my choco-mad personal notes which probably don't make any sense to a reader who isn't familar with my current insane disposition.

Hermione: Okay...seeing as this is turning weird and I'm the leading girl, shouldn't I get a boyfriend?

Kizz: If you really want...

Hermione: Don't do a cheesy blind date routine though.

Kizz: I won't, you've got a choice of: Harry, Ron, Neville, Draco, Snape or Dumbledore. I'm not sure if any girl could call that a choice.

Hermione: What about all those background characters?

Kizz: We don't really know much about them, and JK won't tell us - we've asked her and she said she wasn't JK, but she did invite Kit to a lawsuite when he fed coffee beans to her 20 year old grand daughter.

Hermione: Ok, I'll pick number...

Kizz: There aren't any numbers, say the name!

Hermione: Okay, I'll go with...Ron!

Harry: Why? He's a ginger runt who's got a gerbil!

Neville: I need some lurvin' too!

Hermione: No no! I meant Ron should die.

Ron: But I'm so ginger and anti-social! Doesn't that count for anything with girls?

Harry: Maybe dead people...

Ron: Do they count?

Harry: I'm not sure, but you could wash.

Ron: You can talk! You haven't had a shower in 5 years.

JKR: You really believe I'm going to waste all those complex plotlines on bathroom habits!

*exeunt all*

Outside the toilets...

Harry: Hey Ron, Hermione's taking forever, go in and tell her to hurry up.

Ron: No, I'm not going in there!

Harry: Fine, I will.

*Harry enters the loo...there is a bar at the far corner manned by an unthreatening and attractive male, popular music is playing and all the girls are chilling*

Ron: Bloody hell! This place is wicked.

Hermione: Hey, this is a girls bathroom, what are you doing in here?

Harry: This place is amazing!

Unnamed_extra#079: Hey, there's boys in here!

*all eyes shoot to the barman*

Barman.Personality[0]: She said boys, l'm 1 man.

Unnamed_extra#414: He's right.

Unnamed_extra#320: I support that.

Barman.Personality[1]: *quietly to Barman.Personality[0]* silence fool.

Unnamed_extra#37: The person writing this has either got a weird idea of feminist movements or means something.

Unnamed_extra#4: Hey, there's boys over there.

Dumbledore Femme: I'll give you a tip guys...

Harry: Professor, you're a woman!

Dumbledore Femme: No **** Potter! And JK keeps making people say you're clever.

Hermione: You might want to listen to him you know Harry.

Dumbledore Femme: So far you know all evil people are cross dressers. But you don't know why.

Harry: Is it because you can access girls bathrooms?

*Dumbledore Femme stopped talking. She sat down opposite Harry, behind her desk. She was looking at Harry, who avoided her eyes.*

Dumbledore Femme: Yes, yes it is. Ever wondered why the Chamber 0f Secrets is only accessible from the little girls room? Severus, I'll ask you to fetch some underwear for these boys.

*Snape nodded silently and swept out of the room.*

Dumbledore Femme: What I'm about to say may seem femmephobic but...

Harry: Femmephobic? Guys, are you making up words again?

Kizz: Listen mate, I’ve just seen a load of French guys dancing to YMCA, I'm afraid for my safety now, and this beach doesn't have internet access.

Harry: You're writing about cross dressers and girl's loos now…

Kizz: This loo is a reasonable projection of what the ladies room is like according to much hopeful theorising.

Snape: I'm back, I got their measurements from the school database.

Hermione: Database? But you can't have PCs at Hogwarts...

Snape: They're Macs, oh no...all this press attention seems to have inflated your already over-large bottom Potter.

*The loo rang with the Slytherins' laughter, and an unpleasant smile curled Snape's thin mouth.*

Dumbledore Femme: Where was I? Kizz, leave the poor girl alone, Harry, there's nothing more I can tell you, in the words of George Michael: let's go outside.

*the LA park public loo style sinks flip around to reveal a nice wall, dancers of the magical law enforcement department appear along with the surviving members of the Village Wizards*



Village_Chief: Where can you find pleasure, search the world for treasure, study arithmancy?

*more singing*

Slytherins: In the Navy!

Village_Police: Yes you can sail the seven seas!

Slytherins: In the Navy!

Village_Police: You can put your mind at ease.



Ron: Oh no!

Harry: Come on, join in the fun. After all, you had that rat always chewed through the rope.

*music changes*

Kylie/Absinth Fairy: *singing* Your disco, your disco!

Harry: ARGHHHHHHHH!

Kylie: Come on fellas, put another shrimp on the barbie and take a fosters off the ice.

Unnamed_aussie: I think she's got a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

Kylie: We're a long way from Australia mate.

Ron: *Sips fosters* Yuck!, it tastes like unfermented urine.

Fosters_scientist: No, I swear it has some alcoholic content!

Dumbledore Femme: Come on fellas. Let's go, I've pulled.

*All walk out onto street, a 45 foot car is parked vertically in front of them*

Dumbledore Femme: You don't realised how hard it is to park that thing.

*Dumbledore Femme removed a silver object from her pocket a pressed a button, the car suddenly shrank to the size of a matchbox*

Ron: Wicked! Why didn't you park it like that?

Dumbledore Femme: So I could find it stupid. There we are: a '45 Rolls Footlong, 0-600mph in 9.5 seconds, an acceleration of 10,311.493 Gs, six and one eighth meters to the gallon. No windows, at maximum velocity the signals in you eyes will occupy every point in this universe, and it's not as if I want to stop. Ron, be a dear and hold my drink.

Snape: That's nice, but mine has 4.7 horns that play Mozart’s 5th on 11 different strings, and darn I look good in it.

*suddenly muggle French si vous plait men appeared*

Bloody_Frenchman#1: Vous! Est-ce que vous allez boire ca?

Ron: Eh...no!

Bloody_Frenchman#2: Bien, je suis desolé mais je ne peux pas permettre ca, je dois l'avoir. J'en ai besoin!

Ron: No.

Bloody_Frenchman#1: Vous ête état d'arrestation, vous avez un verre et vous ne le partageriez pas. Vous irez à la prison, à la pièce d'alcooliques.

Hermione: Well, the title was a givaway.

*the muggle svp men grabbed Ron and disappeared in a puff of smelly garlic smoke*

Hermione: They can't do that!

Kizz: Haven't you read Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them?

Frenchman

(MOM Classification: -XXX)

Anti-social stereotypes who eat nothing but garlic and fish. They can disappear in puffs of garlic smoke.

Kizz: See.

Hermione: Fine.

Harry: Enough!, Snape, Professor Dumbledore, authors: we have to break Ron out.

Snape: I'm completely rat arsed.

Dumbledore Femme: I'm a woman.

Hermione: And what's that supposed to mean?

Dumbledore Femme: It means I do not serve men.

Hermione: Good point, count me out too.

Harry: So it's just me then? Sod that I'm not doing it.

Hermione: Fine, we'll just continue without him.

Snape: Sounds good to me.

Harry: Then what was the point of this chapter?

Kizz: It's mostly padding, no exposition, we're into double figures next so we might add some humour.

Draco: Wow Potter, I'm surprised. I thought you would do anything for attention.

Dumbledore Femme: I agree, you are slightly out of character love.

Harry: I guess, I think the authors have lost the plot.

Kizz: Not really, the ending is already planned but we've still got another 487.8 chapters to go.

Harry: How many more times is Ron going to be captured?

Kizz: You think I want Ron in this? I don't understand how JK imagined such an annoying twit, I'm going to keep locking him up until all those guys in the love agree.

In the alcoholics cell...

Ron: Isn't anyone going to save me?

Back outside the swanky loos...

Snape: Okay, one more round.

Dumbledore Femme: Ok, but you're paying.

*Snape, Dumbledore Femme, Harry and Hermione down one more round...of absinth*

Lily: Hey Harry, I find Snape really attractive and all, but I'm willing to settle for less...much less.

Harry: I don't know what to say.

Hermione: Watch out Harry, she could be some 50 year old man.

Kizz posing as Kit: Join the club.

Harry: Why don’t we go over here…

*Lily and Harry go over there for oh…say 15 minutes, they return looking flushed*

Harry: She took out all my pawns in 8 moves!

Hermione: *stumped*

The co-author would like to note that he does not suspect the other author, or any persons called "Lily" who may not exist.

Snape: That's enough, let's roll. To the Snapemobile!

*Snape plodded silently and swept into a wall*

Dumbledore Femme: Let's take my car, the potential for mistakes is higher. What's the legal alcohol limit?

Hermione: 80mg. What's your current level?

Dumbledore Femme: 79.41432mg, I'm dangerously under intoxicated. Severus, prepare me a drink.

*Snape, looking sour, pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his robe, poured a few drops on top of Dumbledore Femme, and she reappeared suddenly, fully sober.*

Dumbledore Femme: I don't know what's going on, I can think.

*all go out into street*

Snape: Professor, we'll take your car, mine's got a turning circle of a hundred and four point eight two six feet.

Harry: What's your circle Professor?

Dumbledore Femme: 104.8258 feet.

*all mount the car, the internal dimensions are stupidly huge*

Hermione: These dimensions are

stupidly huge. Professor, I think there’s someone in here.

*sat in the corner was a 20-50 year old bearded stereotypical hobo*

Dumbledore Femme: He crawled in one night in Knightsbridge. I don't want to be a woman anymore.

Hermione: Oh, why?

Kizz: You realise how annoying it is to keep writing femme?

*Dumbledore turned the ignition, jets of purple smoke bellowed out from the exhaust.*

Dumbledore: That's odd, it only gives off purple smoke if investment in Swedish markets is down by more that 3.1 and 2/6 percent.

*Dumbledore got out the car, lowered his hands and surveyed the wheels through his half moon glasses. The wheels were missing and the car propped up on bricks. The inscription on the bricks read 'Darkerer Lord, PATENT PENDING'*

Hermione: The Darkerer Lord?

Harry: If Voldemort is the Dark Lord, and Dumbledore is the Darker Lord, who is the Darkerer Lord?

Dumbledore: It's probably some unfunny American joke, things will return to normality soon.

Unnamed_American#1: Don't you mean 'normalcy'?

*everyone gives Unnamed_American#1 weird looks, apart from Harry who looks weird anyway*

Harry: I don't like your tone.

Kizz: I don't like your scar, but I'll be drunk in the morning.

Dumbledore: Of course, where my scar is the perfect map of the London underground, young Harry's scar always points due north.

Harry: I don't see how that's useful.

Dumbledore: According to my knee, elephant and castle is only a few millimetres from here. Look.

*All look down at Dumbledore's knee*

Dumbledore: We're currently located next to this hair, to the left of that freckle. Severus, we'll use your car to get to Waterloo. Then catch the train to France.

Hermione: What are we doing in London? I thought we were in France.

Kizz: None of our readers pay that much attention.

Ron: Huh?

Kizz: And this is set in 1996, you've got 6 years before the track's ready for testing.

Harry: Darn this country for being so slow.

Snape: Why don't we just take my car?

Kizz: Sorry, government bashing is fun, and extremely easy.

Hermione: Come on, let's go.

Harry: Why?

Kizz: Back in the early chapters it was all rushing around because we had a plot, now it's just commentary, guys?

*Snape, Dumbledore, Hermione and Harry had all rushed away*

Harry: Yuck, that smells really really bad. Where are we?

Hermione: Paris of course! I can't believe Snape towed us across the channel with the rope secured in his mouth.

Snape: jhuh nargeay phor spendhard.

Hermione: What did he say?

Harry: I don't know, I'll go create a thread on it.

Kizz: Just make sure you search first.

Harry: Can anyone speak french?

Snape: J'ai dit <je nagais pour serpentard>

Harry: What the hell is serpentard?

Kizz: It's slytherin you idiot, it said it on some of your merchandise at a Géant store in Fréjùs. Thankfully you weren't on it.

Harry: That's just great, my name's in the title, but they ignore it and make up a load of words that nobody understands.

Hermione: We need to find the prison.

Dumbledore: It's this way.

Hermione: How did you know that?

Kizz: I just want to get the plot going again, so I'm granting Dumbledore all knowledge as of the end of this sentence.

Dumbledore: Here's the plan, Severus, Miss Granger, you will create a diversion by dropping peanuts all over the reception.

Hermione: Yes Albus.

Snape: Yes Professor.

Dumbledore: You will only have a short time to recover the peanuts so move fast. I will find Ron, leaving Harry completely unprotected.

Harry: It's ok, I'll go hide in this Dark alley, where Lord Voldemort was last spotted, about 20 minutes ago. I'm completely certain he will not be there though, so I'll turn up not expecting him, and be completely unprepared.

Dumbledore: Excellent. If anything goes wrong, the signal is 12 green sparks, followed by 414 red sparks. When you succeed send up 11 green sparks, 320 red sparks.

Harry: But why have the signals so similar, that's just...

Hermione: This is turning into an action movie.

Snape: Action?

Hermione: It's a euphemism, it means unnecessarily excessively violent. Confusion and mess ups maximise the potential for killings that would be avoided under better circumstances.

Dumbledore: Let's go.

*Severus and Miss Granger walking into the prison, they drop the peanuts and send up the success signal*

Dumbledore: 9 green sparks...10...is that a sherbet lemon?...it is...11 green sparks...1 red spark...oh rats, mission failed, time to start killing.

Prison_Guard#1: Hey!

Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Prison_Guard#2: You there, surrender!

Dumbledore: Er...no...AVADA KEDAVRA! This is fun, I wonder why I didn't turn evil earlier.

Ron: Professor, over here!

Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Hermione: Oh no!

Dumbledore: I thought you hated him.

Hermione: I do, but the authors are trying to maintain my character traits.

*clock wipe to Harry*

Voldemort: Hello Harry.

Harry: Is anyone there?

Voldemort: Yes.

Harry: Must be my imagination but I swear somebody's here.

Voldemort: It's me you idiot!

Harry: Idiot? Is that you Ron? You're supposed to be in prison. Now I know it's you I'll put my wand away.

Voldemort: No, it's the Dark Lord.

Harry: This is very unexpected. Er, can you tell me who the Darkerer Lord is?

Voldemort: No, but I can show you.

*white flash followed by desaturation effect. Init. scene: Colour coded lord convention*

Voldemort: Hey there. I'm the Dark Lord.

Sexy_Babe#1: Hey. I'm the darker lord.

Voldemort: I bet I'm darker.

Sexy_Babe#1: I'm darkerer. Nice watch *steals watch and runs*

Voldemort: Argh, McGonagol gave me that...

*scene dissolves*

Harry: She's a pikey?

Voldemort: A what?

Harry: A chav.

Voldemort: Huh?

Harry "Mike": That's what we call them where I'm from, Kent.

Voldemort: You're not from Kent, so just call them townies.

Mike: Argh...

Voldemort: So...wotcha doing?

Harry: Nothing much.

*Voldemort's eyes darted to Harry's forehead*

Voldemort: You're Harry Potter! Join me, or die!

Harry: This is getting predictable, I'll never join you and somehow I always get away.

Voldemort: Not today! AVADA KED...

*there was a knock on the door.*

Voldemort: Come in.

*enter delivery man*

Delivery_man: Buzz Light-year has arrived, sign here.

*Voldemort took the clipboard*

Harry: Time for this whale to fly...

*exeunt Harry*

Voldemort: Oh ****, not again.

Delivery_man: Have a nice day.

Voldemort: Oh why do I bother.

*Dumbledore finds Harry*

Harry: I just faced Lord Voldemort.

Dumbledore: You ran away, you coward.

Harry: But...I...hmm. I guess you're right. Any luck finding Ron?

Dumbledore: Erm, I'm afraid he was killed.

Harry: What!?

Dumbledore: By Snape.

Harry: I owe him one.

Hermione: Come on, this plot line is exhausted.

Kizz: You think so? I guess it's time for more music, I heard one of our readers doesn't like the video to this one.

*that night in Hermione's dorm*



Voldemort: Sleep with one eye open / gripping your pillow tight.

Hetfield: Exit light / enter night.

Voldemort: Take my hand / we're off to Never Never Land.

*preying*

Voldemort: Hush little baby don't say a word / and never mind that noise you heard.

Hetfield: It's just the beast under your bed / In your closet, in your head.



Hermione: What are You-Know-Who and metallica doing in my dorm?

Voldemort: I'm here to kidnap you.

Hetfield: We heard this guy wanted some violence and music, then I found out this cross dressing hippie’s got a bigger car than me.

Hermione: But how did you get in, for reasons disclosed in book 5...

Hetfield: Are you going to spoil?

Hermione: I thought everyone would have read it by now

Hetfield: Do I look like I read books about some little twerp when I could be smashing up Linkin Park's cars or Good Charlotte's scooters?

Dumbledore Femme: Well said James, you get those townies. I'm afraid I have no more of your usual, although I have a surplus of Mexican black from greenhouse 3.

Hetfield: Hey! I'm here to smash up your car. AVADA KEDAVRA!

*Green light shot out of Hetfields guitar, Dumbledore Femme dodged the curse*



Hetfield: I won't go away / Right, right here I stay / Stand silent in flames / Stand tall till it fades

Dumbledore Femme: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Hetfield: (Shot me again I ain't dead yet)×4 / All the shots I take / I spit back at you / All the **** you make / comes back to haunt you.



Hermione: That's so incredibly corny.

Hetfield: ** ***** witch!

Ozzy: ****ing hell, what ****ing ****'s going the **** around the **** in a *** that's ****ing **** reading my ****ing newspaper in **** **** ******* potato.

Kizz: **** of those **** completely **necessary.

Ozzy: The **** they were.

Hermione: Get out of my dorm all of you! It's amazing how you haven't woken the background characters!

Kizz: They're awake, they just don't have a speaking part.

Pavarti:

Hermione: Oh right. Sorry Pavarti.

Pavarti:

Hermione: Of course I don't.

Pavarti:

Hermione: Do not!

Pavarti:

Hermione: Do not!

Pavarti:

Hermione: Do not! Stop it!

Pavarti:

Voldemort: That wasn't called for now.

Pavarti:

Hermione: Everyone out! now!

Dumbledore Femme: You can't order me out, I'm a woman and this is my castle, I've got eyes everywhere. It's ok, I'm a woman.

Voldemort: So if I could see everywhere it would be sick and perverted?

Hermione: I don't know, you do have a high voice.

Voldemort: So...what you saying is...I'm a woman?

Dumbledore Femme: How else did you get into these dorms?

Hetfield: Hey, so we're all women?

Kizz: Real people don't have to be.

Hetfield: Argh ****!

Kizz: You think you've got problems, I've got sand in my handheld, now people can hear the camera popup. Dumbledore, are the school fridges still running?

Dumbledore Femme: Yes, I better go catch them.

Voldemort: I better go too, night Hermione.

Hermione: Goodnight.

In Harry's dorm...

Seamus: Hey...why is metallica in our dorm?



Hetfield: I'll redefine anywhere, anywhere I roam / Where I lay my head is home.

*more singing*

Hetfield: I'm free to speak my mind anywhere.



Harry: What do you want?

Hetfield: I'm in the Darkest Lord, and I'm the boss.

Ozzy: I'm the Prince of bloody Darkness.

Dean: That was so lame...

Harry: Shut it, you like West Ham.

Kizz: That isn't lame, just very stupid.

Seamus: Yeah, why can't you support a decent team, like Liverpool.

Kizz: The lost art of oxymoron...

Harry: Listen authors, if you're planning a football match you're going to confuse everyone.

Dean: We won't use the offside rule.

Harry: The what rule?

*all cast weird looks at Harry*

Harry: What? I'd like my ignorant male friend back now.

Kizz: Sure.

Dudley: What am I doing here?

Harry: I meant Ron.

Kizz: He's ignorant, male, why can't you get along?

Harry: Fine. We'll see how it goes.

Snape: Can you guys keep it down, and can you stop reading so loud!

Harry: What are you doing in the Gryffindor boys dorm?

Snape: My quarters are now a Starbucks.

Harry: Since when?

Snape: The authors have no concept of time, in 9 chapters we're still on the 3rd day.

Kizz: In the CoS video game the whole year was over in 6 days. At this rate we're looking at 969 chapters, which will take just less than 9 years for us to write. Only another 960 to go.

Harry: Wait, how many more times will I have to face Lord Voldemort?

Kizz: Haven't you been reading, he's not evil, just misunderstood.

Harry: So...I should be safe?

Kizz: Not if I've got anything to do with it.

The next morning...

Dumbledore: Today we will be auctioning slaves for over fun fund raising day.

Fred: I'll sell myself for 10 galleons.

Snape: I've got a fellytone bid.

Dumbledore: Advances on 10?...going...going...sold.

Fred: Erm...who bought me?

Snape: Mr. Yu of Macau.

Dumbledore: Oh, Kako Si Yu? Tell him we'll throw his twin in for another 5 galleons.

Snape: ...he says he's got enough slaves at the moment...but he can't say no to twins.

Dumbledore: Great. Now to sell off the house elves.

JKR: You can't, they might be important!

Kizz: Are they?

JKR: I'm not going to tell you, you'll have to read it.

Dumbledore: 5 elves for a galleon, everything must go!

Draco: I'll take 10, can never have too many servants.

Hermione: This is wrong, I'll take them all.

Dumbledore: That'll be 100 galleons.

Hermione: Oh no...I'll sell myself for 100 galleons.

Draco: I'll take it.

Krum: 150 galleons!

*awkward hush for Krum*

Draco: 200! finally, a way of getting a girlfriend without resorting to niceness.

Krum: I love her, but I would value that at about 196 Galleons.

Draco: Excellent.

Dumbledore: Very well, Miss Granger you are now property of Draco Malfoy.

Hermione: Why on earth are you doing this authors?

Kizz: I wanted to offer a half-way meeting between Draco/Hermione shipping and HP reality, without making Draco nice or Hermione's character changing.

Hermione: But why? He paid 200 galleons for 1 slave.

Dumbledore: Not exactly, slaves can't have possessions.

Draco: So I've just bought 501 slaves.

Hermione: Oh ****!

Dumbledore: **** ind**d.

Harry: Come on, music first lesson.

Hermione: Since when? We've spent more time on the moon than in lessons.

Kizz: I changed your timetable and your subjects, go!

In the music lesson...

Snape: *singing* Mor-ning class.

Class: Morning professor.

Snape: Let's try that again, *singing* mor-ning class.

Class: *singing* Mor-ning pro-fess-or.

*Hermione raised her hand*

Harry: *whispering* Is it really necessary?

Kizz: *whispering* You realise how useful this girl is for exposition?

Snape: Yes, mudblood ex-lover girl.

Hermione: Er...right...I was wondering why we need to learn music.

Dumbledore: Didn't you listen to my start of term feast speech when you first arrived at Hogwarts? You think I'm going to teach you what you need to know to defeat me?

Snape: Thank you professor.

Hermione: But why are you teaching it?



Snape: Who can find a bezoar? / Who can rip it out and make it taste nice for you? / The potions master can, yes the potions master can / And he doesn't use a smile and always judges you.

Draco: Who can give me good marks? Insult the scar head and always be harsh to him?

Class: The potions master can, yes the potions master can / And he doesn't use a smile and always judges you.

Neville: Those muggle flavoured cokes, make jolly good soaks / Corrosive and always exploding...

Hermione: Be careful when they're overflowing.

Goyle: They're burn you if your face is sh-ow-ing.



Snape: Not bad, five points to Slytherin for that excellent performance Draco, and Miss Granger another 5, to Slytherin.

Hermione: But I'm in Gryffindor.

Draco: You're mine, I sold all the elves on for a galleon each.

Snape: I suggest you think before opening your mouth next time Granger.

Meanwhile...

George: I can't believe you sold us for 15 galleons.

Fred: We can always use more money, you spent Harry's gold on Dutch mags.

Kako Si?: Silence! I don't want another spec of dust on this island!

Back in music...

Snape: For homework I want 3 lengths of parchment on the annoyingness of Samba after Seaman's mess up in Japan.

Draco: Huh?

Kizz: Sorry, it's getting to me now, I got up at 6 to watch that.

Snape: Next week we will be studying the Village People and their relevance to German muggle culture.

Harry: The author's gone nuts.

Kizz: It's the lack of Milk and being able to hear music in the distance. They also put more sugar in my medicine.

Harry: Fine, what lesson is next?

Hermione: You've got acting lessons next, oh sorry, that's Dan's timetable. You've got charms Harry. My subject isn't listed...

Kizz: That's because it isn't relevent to the plot.

Hermione: So Fred and George's sale into slavery?

Kizz: Erm...

*suddenly, a huge diversion took place*

Next in charms...

Professor: Morning class, I'm Cherie Toppins.

Harry: Did you say Cherry Toppings?

Cherie Toppins: No I did not. Today we will be charming umbrellas to fly.

Harry: Why do we need flying umbrellas? We've got brooms.

Cherie Toppins: Umbrellas are far more common that wooden brooms and are not thought of as tools of witchcraft.

Seamus: They're also good in bad weather.

Cherie Toppins: Bad weather? If you believe in bad weather you picked the wrong country to live in. Now, hold you umbrellas in your left hand and...

*there was a knock on the door*

Dumbledore: Cherie, you're fired. It turns out you're not a witch, you're a house elf.

Cherie: But I can do magic.

Dumbledore: Wandless magic, for housework... You also got in to greenhouse 3, and besides I've talked to Count Karkaroff and agreed we can have Flitwick back.

*Flitwick entered the room, his incisors were noticably enlarged*

Flitwick: Now class, take your wands and draw blood, then drain as much as you can spare and bring it to the front.

Harry: This is odd.

Sulu: Approching devron 3.

Q: Harry Potter, humanity will be judged on you.

Harry: Huh? Why?

Q: I've just spent 50,000 years as a scarecrow, I'm very bored considering crows don't exist in my continuum.

Dumbledore: Somebody get this guy a crow!

Harry: Psst! You're the most powerful wizard in the world.

Q: Who?

Harry: Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: No you're not, I’ve seen him on Wizarding Cards, he's old, about my height. I'd watch out for him, I heard he's planning something evil.

Harry: Professor are you alright?

Dumbledore: Never felt better.

Later at lunch...

Dumbledore: In light of the author's increasing boredom, I'm organising another ball.

Ron: Wicked.

Dumbledore: All couples must be boy girl or girl boy with a maximum of 7 years age difference. All intoxicating substances, love potions and charms must be inspected by a professor. Dead people cannot go.

Cho: Why not?

Dumbledore: The authors are violently apposed to Ron.

Ron: That's just...

*suddenly a red-eyed monkey jumped through the window and bit Ron’s head off*

Dumbledore: Thanks Bobo. I hope that doesn't stain, I sold the cleaners off.

Hermione: Professor, when does it begin?

Dumbledore: In 15 minutes.

Snape: What about lessons?

Dumbledore: I don't want these kids too clever.

Draco: Hey Granger, you're going will me.

Hermione: Yes.

Draco: Yes?

Hermione: Yes Lord Maletoy.

Harry: Hey Cho.

*Cho turned around spreading her wings and flapping wildly*

Cho: Yes.

Harry: Yes...you'll go to the ball with me?

Cho: I never said that you arrogant fool.

*Cho snapped at Harry's fingers before chasing some first years*

Harry: I'll ask Pavarti.

Later that night...

Harry: Hey Pavarti...

Pavarti:

Harry: Dobro, how are you?

Pavarti:

Harry: Listen, will you go to the ball with me?

Pavarti:

Harry: I remember. Hey, I'll see if I can get you a speaking part...

Pavarti:

Harry: Great. Authors, can you do a favour for a guy in need?

Kizz: Not really.

Pavarti:

Harry: Please guys?

Kizz: Nah...

Harry: Ok ok, I'm an idiot! Happy?

Kizz: No, but you said the right thing.

Harry: Pavarti, can you speak now?

Pavarti: Yeah, thanks. Hey Neville! You got a date yet?

Harry: Hey...but you said...

Kizz: Got any proof?

Harry: I'll kill you! AVAD...

Kizz: BOBOSORTIA!

*A red-eyed monkey came flying towards Harry, he ducted. The monkey landed on Pavarti*

Harry: I hope that carpet's scotch guarded.

At the ball...

Dumbledore: Although it has zero relevance, I'm going to tell you the story of how Hogwarts was founded.

*flash transition*

*a tinman, scarecrow, lion and little girl were walking down a Scottish road*

Lion: If only I had courage.

Little Girl: I'm a little muggleborn witch, here you go Godric.

Lion: Thanks Rowena.

Scarecrow: If only I had a brain.

Little Girl: Here you go Helga.

Tinman: If only I had a heart.

Little Girl: I'm not a bloody factory for human characteristics or parts, screw you.

Tinman: If I had a heart I would feel pain and resentment.

Dumbledore: And so the founders bonded. But it was not until three hogs decided to leave home was the school built. The first built his house from straw, building inspectors deemed it a hazard, they huffed and puffed and they torched it. The second built his house from wood, unfortunately for him it was from a whomping willow. The third built his house 500 feet high of granite. When the founders were walking in the highlands, hungry and bloodthirsty one night, they discovered the castle and ate the hog whole, except for it's warts, which were used in a new game, which was how Gobstones was first created. Now let's eat.

*dishes of roasted hog suddenly appeared on every table*

*Draco was now teaching Hermione to say his name properly; she kept calling him "stupid twit"*



Draco: Supreme Master Maletoy

Hermione: Supremely Malformed Twit..

Draco: Close enough*he said, catching Harry's eye and grinning. When all the food had been consumed, Dumbledore stood up and asked the students to do the same.*

Dumbledore: Draco Malfoy, if you keep coming on to young Harry I'm afraid I'll have to set Filch on you.

*there was a crack of a whip, everyone was looking around concerned*

Dumbledore: Where was I...I seem to be saying that too much.

Kizz: I know, I made you more of a sweet old man.

Dumbledore: There is also a major lack of hormones.

Kizz: I think I'll let that Campbell guy write the rest.

Campbell: As I dived into the room stark...so I made it all up...and Tony thanked me afterwards.

Harry: Bobo, quick!

*Bobo the red-eyed monkey jumped on the naughty spin doctor and...*

Hermione: Ewww...

Dumbledore: Moving on, I'm afraid the Weird Sisters were fully booked.

Seamus: That sucks.

Bobo: *monkey noises*

Seamus: Sorry...

*awkward silence*

Bobo: *monkey noises*

Dumbledore: I agree. Bobo was telling me the authors wanted to do some romance involving Minerva, but can't bring her back for another 4 hours.

Harry: So who's Bobo?

Kizz: He appears to someone I know, I didn't realise who he was until he got red-eyes.

Seamus: So are we actually going to dance?

Harry: Wait, I haven't got a partner, unless...Professor Dumbledore are we allowed to kill people?

Dumbledore: Of course not. Why would I be going around setting an example?

Harry: Ok, I think I've got this worked out now. The whole Hermione being sold to Draco thing-it's all so I can kill him and save Hermione.

Kizz: Actually at the time of writing I didn't plan it this way, but it seems like a good plot development now.

Harry: Ok then AVADA...

Draco: EXPELLIARMUS!

Harry: Oh nuts...Bobo! A little help?

Bobo: *monkey noises*

Harry: I'll do it myself!

Flitwick: Oh no you don't!

*Flitwick flew across the room and bit Draco's head off*

Draco: Ouch! That really really hurts!

Dumbledore: Well done young Harry, you're becoming evil.

Harry: Oh no!

Dumbledore: I mean...you're becoming good...yes, you purge that evil.

Harry: Oh good.

Seamus: Can we start dancing now?

Dumbledore: There's blood everywhere. And there isn't any music - Metallica and The Darkness are playing chicken on brooms, Ozzy's stuck in greenhouse 3 and SOAD are in the Hufflepuff common room.

Hermione: Still?

Dumbledore: Yes. But I hear Astronomy tower has a new multiplex cinema so I'm heading up there.

Seamus: This is the crummiest ball I've ever been to.

The next morning in the Great Hall...

*there was only one table set-up for breakfast*

Harry: More budget cuts?

Hermione: No, that monkey went on a spree and wiped out three quarters of the school.

Harry: But Bobo was in our dorm all night, we played backgammon, he won, 3 times.

*Flitwick was sitting at the top table, he was inflated by about eight hundredths of a league*

Harry: There's something wrong with him...who knows what weird and twisted things Count Karkaroff did to him down in his submarine.

Hermione: It was You-Know-Who's submarine Harry, Karkaroff had the castle.

Harry: That's what I said, who knows what Voldemort did to him.

Hermione: I give up.

Harry: What is this food?

Hermione: Yuck! It looks like blood pie.

Ron: You gonna eat that?

Hermione: Ron! Your head...it's reattached.

Ron: Nah, vampires can grow new heads, look-Flitwick's got five.

Harry: Oh yeah...I never noticed, did you ever notice that Hermione? Hermione?

*Ron mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed out of the Great Hall. Ron turned to look at Harry.*

Harry: Oh Ron, what large teeth you have. Hey...you look quite pale.

Dumbledore: We best be leaving young Harry.

Harry: Why?

Dumbledore: I shouldn't have let Wormtail kill Hagrid, we seem to have a major flesh eating vampire infestation.

Harry: Oh okay.

Dumbledore: Miss Granger is waiting in Professor Snape's car with the roof down. Professor Snape is taking a long time colleting his belongings. We must leave though the longest route therefore taking us past the most vampires, thus reducing our survival chances and boosting the ratings should this be a movie.

Harry: Thanks for the exposition, but my name is in the chapter title.

Dumbledore: Let's move out. We have to get to my office to retrieve Fawkes, via Gryffindor Tower and the lake.

*Dumbledore began sprinting towards the professor's table and the window, he jumped through the [sugar] glass and narrowly missed several jagged [foam] rocks, Harry followed, jumping through the [toughened] glass and hitting [granite] rocks.*

Dumbledore: Hurry, we've still got to climb the exterior wall.

Harry: Ouch...I'm in a lot of pain.

Dumbledore: I was expecting this kind of plot development.

Harry: What are those?

*Trotting toward them were a dozen of the most bizarre creatures Harry had ever seen. They had the bodies, hind legs, and tails of horses, but the front legs, wings, and heads of what seemed to be giant eagles, with cruel, steel-coloured beaks and large, brilliantly, orange eyes. The talons on their front legs were half a foot long and deadly looking. They charged at Harry*

Harry: Argh!

*Dumbledore pulled out his wand. One casual wave of his wand and the long talons shrunk; another wave, and a stream of red-eyed monkeys shot out from his wand, decapitating them*

Dumbledore: Quick, down here.

*At least a hundred dementors, their hidden faces pointing up at him, were standing beneath him. It was as though freezing water were rising in his chest, cutting at his insides. And then he heard it again.... Someone was screaming, screaming inside his head... a woman...*

Hermione: Get a move on Harry!

Snape: Stand aside, you silly girl... stand aside, now....

Hermione: Sorrrry grease ball.

Snape: Quick! Get in.

*Dumbledore and Harry got into the car*

Harry: Where are we going?

Hermione: Diagon Alley, we need a lot of cleaning equipment and some patronii for those dementors.

Harry: Can't we summon them?

Hermione: Yeah, but we can also use cleaning spells. We either go there and buy them or stay here and get bitten, scratched and kissed.

Harry: I see.

Hermione: We also need vampire repellent, I'm sick of Ron coming on to me.

Harry: I know I'm ignorant...and male, but didn't you two like each other last year in GoF, in chapter 23...

Hermione: That really should be in the love thread Harry.

Harry: I know, but the people in there just scare me.

Hermione: Wimp, some actually believe I’ll date Ron.

Harry: Will you?

Hermione: Don't make me tell you again.

Dumbledore: I don't think it's too likely if I turn out to be Ron Weasley, or I don't remember it.

Harry: You're both skinny, red heads...

Dumbledore: No I'm not.

8000 miles later...

Hermione: Why did we go via Vancouver?

Moody: We've had some dark wizard transfigured as some kind of bird following us the whole time.

Snape: That's my spoiler.

Moody: Your spoiler...I always knew you hadn't changed Snape. You coming with me.

Snape: Wait, I'm flying this thing, we'll crash.

Moody: Is that your plan? Lure us into you car then kill us all!

Snape: They came voluntarily.

Moody: I'm sure they did, using the imperius curse...not your style is it? Going to pin it on someone else!

Snape: No! The school is overrun...get off me ACCIO EYE!

Moody: My depth perception! You monster!

Snape: You can have it back when we get there, Dumbledore...Dumbledore? What did you do to him?

Moody: *growling*

Snape: Ennervate!

Dumbledore: I was resting my eyes.

Snape: We've arrived.

*BANG. They were thundering along Charing Cross Road. Harry sat up and watched buildings and benches squeezing themselves out of the Snapemobile's way. The sky was getting a little lighter.

Snape slammed on the brakes and the Snapemobile skidded to a halt in front of a small and shabby- looking pub, the Leaky Cauldron, behind which lay the magical entrance to Diagon Alley.*

Snape: Remember where we parked.

*They entered the Leaky Cauldron, Tom the innkeeper appeared, wearing an apron over his nightshirt and bearing a tray of tea and crumpets. He placed the tray on a table between Fudge and Harry and left the parlor, closing the door behind him*

Dumbledore: Thanks Tom.

Tom: Anytime brother.

Dumbledore: You've met Tom's son haven't you Harry.

Harry: Have I?

Dumbledore: This is Tom Riddle Snr.

Harry: *gasp*

Tom: He's joking, what will it be Albus?

Dumbledore: The usual Dix, vodka martini, stirred, then shaken, repeat, always repeat.

Tom: Harry?

Harry: I'll have a butterbeer.

Tom: This isn't canon, have what you want. Severus?

Snape: A bottle of unnecessarily intensely refined Cuban absinth.

Tom: I'm got some varnish if you like.

Snape: Pine?

Tom: Redwood.

Snape: Even better.

Tom: And your girlfriend?

Dumbledore, Harry and Snape: She isn't my girlfriend.

Tom: Ok...

Hermione: I'm driving.

Tom: Very well...Moody...

Moody: *growl*

Tom: I'll go get them.

Hermione: I don't understand why they included all that.

Kizz: In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to make this the longest chapter, otherwise I would just write it like this.

*they finished their drinks and ordered another round, then finished them*

Dumbledore: So how's everything going in the muggle world?

Kizz: Les vacances ont fini qui est bien car il y a personne à la Côté d'Azur! sauf les allamandes.

Hermione: Speaking of school, am I going to get any education this year?

Dumbedore: I expect the authors are waiting until the end of this month when the spoiler policy is lifted.

Kizz: Yeah we are, but until then we've got plenty of the last 4 to use, and Bobo.

Bobo: *monkey noises*

Hermione: He's cute.

Kizz: You're the second person to say that. Alas, it's time for some random event to happen.

Dumbledore: Crackers!

*said Dumbledore enthusiastically, offering the end of a large silver noisemaker to Snape, who took it reluctantly and tugged. With a bang like a gunshot, the cracker flew apart to reveal a large, naval officers hat. Tom came back with drinks.*

Dumbledore: Should I wear it like Nelson or Napoleon? Do sit down, the turkey's getting stoned.

*Tom hesitated, then lowered himself into the empty chair, eyes shut and mouth clenched tight, as though expecting a thunderbolt to hit the table.*

Snape: What's the matter?

Tom: I keep getting lightening strikes when I sit down.

Dumbledore: Ok, get comfortable, if you need to go to the loo, do so now.

Harry: I do.

*Harry went to the toilet*

Harry: Ok, ready.

Dumbledore: I'm going to tell you the early history of the school, as it was revealed to me in the '60s.

*flash transition, init. desaturate filter*

Dumbledore: It was a long time ago in a galaxy...ok, this galaxy. Rowena Ravenclaw had granted the tin man Slytherin a heart, but all he wanted to do now he was a man was dress as a woman. And when it came to education there wasn't much a scarecrow, lion, tin man or little girl could provide, so they wasted more time developing ways in which to separate the children. At first Gryffindor would only take lions, how a talking magical lion existed in Britain was already a mystery. Hufflepuff only wanted to accept those composed of 60% straw or more. To Slytherin it was pure high-iron blood that mattered, as he deeply distrusted muggles and wanted to conduct research into electricity. Ravenclaw wanted to teach the intelligent because it would take less effort.

Harry: Sorry, got to use the bathroom again.

Hermione: Why? You've only just been.

Dumbledore: You may go. Do you not see Miss Granger? The authors are trying to break up the dialogue. Anyway...Slytherin breed a bloody big snake called John, I believe you know the rest. But you do not know what happened one night when the founders were down the pub, and 3 lonely muggles walked in, a Scot, an Englishman and a townie. Ravenclaw offered them each one ride down a slide, when they should go down that they should shout their order.

Hermione: What happened?

Dumbledore: The Scot went first, he shouted "whiskey" and he landed in whiskey. The Englishman shouted "beer" and landed in beer, the townie shouted "weeeeeee!", but was attacked by a lion on the way, they never found his wallet.

Hermione: What was the moral of that story?

Dumbledore: That townies always get eaten by lions.

*Lupin crossed to the door and closed it behind Harry.*

Harry: Hey, look who I found sleeping on the floor in the toilets.

Lupin: I have no hesitation in saying that James would have been highly disappointed if his son had never found any of Dumbledore's stuff in greenhouse 3.

Harry: I didn't.

Hetfield: He's not taking about your father. What's with those people holding the fish?

Lupin: They're protecting me. There used to be loads of them, but last full moon...

Dumbledore: We better get moving.

Lupin: What are you up to?

Snape: Hogwarts seems to have a vampire infestation.

Lupin: Are you sure it's not just a couple of minor characters?

Snape: You're free to take a look.

Lupin: Nah, imagine how bad werewolf vampire would look on my CV. Well, better go, the moons coming out again.

*Harry could see Lupin's silhouette. He had gone rigid. Then his limbs began to shake. There was a terrible snarling noise. Lupin's head was lengthening. So was his body. His shoulders were hunching. Hair was sprouting visibly on his face and hands, which were curling into clawed paws. Snape's hair was on end again; he was backing away*

Dumbledore: Time to go I think. To Knockturn alley! for some mature debating.

Harry: I don't think we're in The Chamber of Secrets Professor.

Dumbledore: No, of course not, this is diagon alley stupid. What's your view on slash fiction Severus?

Snape: It's stupid, I'm anti-social so the idea I can perform acts of love is loavable.

Hermione: I think you mean 'laughable'.

Snape: Very well, I'm so British I don't need fancy words anyway.

Hermione: That's odd, weren't you in love with Harry's mother.

Snape: Probably, a lot has happened so far.

*Snape whirled about, robes swishing behind him, and stormed out of the bar*

Fudge: Fellow seems quite unbalanced. I’d watch out for him if I were you, Dumbledore.

Harry: Fudge? What are you doing here?

Fudge: Ever since you displaced me I've been in here, except when I sleep in your car.

Hermione: So you're the hobo.

Fudge: I prefer the term displaced person.

Ron: And I like to be called a non-wizard part human, but it'll never happen.

Hermione: Ron! You've changed.

*But Hermione was staring at Ron as though suddenly seeing him in a whole new light.*

Ron: That's right, I'm a cool blood sucking stud now.

Hermione: This changes everything, I'll go out with you now.

Ron: You didn't let me get to my join me or die routine, and I spent all night waxing my legs. Oh, and I'd like a new name please.

Kizz: What will it be?

Ron: Erm...Vold'argent.

Kizz: Done.

*Vold'argent pulled out his wand*

Vold'argent: Alright, this is a hold up.

Dumbledore: That's a wand.

Vold'argent: Just let me get on with it.

Harry: Why are you doing this?

Vold'argent: While you were ordering drinks we had time to fly down.

Hermione: He asked why, not how.

Vold'argent: Sorry, being evil is new to me. I want to suck...

*BAM. The door of the pub burst open.

Fudge, Snape, and Dumbledore came striding into the bar. Dumbledore alone looked calm. Indeed, he looked as though he was quite enjoying himself.*

Dumbledore: Indeed, I'm quite enjoying myself.

Snape: POTTER! Stop looking at my drink.

Vold'argent: Sssh! I'm trying to be evil here.

Snape: Vold'argent? Weasley? There's nothing I detest more than an evil redhead mugger.

Vold'argent: I'm not a muggle!

Snape: For goodness sake.

Vold'argent: SILENCE! I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO LIKE THAT!*Snape was lifted off his feet and slammed into the wall, then slid down it to the floor, a trickle of blood oozing from under his hair. He had been knocked out.*

Harry: Professor, do something!

Dumbledore: Ok then, silencio!

Harry:

Dumbledore: Just need to think for a second. Ok Vold'argent, what letter comes after 'L'?

Vold'argent: Bow! Elbow!

Dumbledore: No, I'm afraid it doesn't.

Harry: You're an idiot Ron.

Vold'argent: I know you are, but what am I?

Harry: An idiot.

Vold'argent: I know you are, but what am I?

Dumbledore: Never argue with an idiot young Harry, they'll drag you down to their level and beat you on experience. Let's go! FLAGRATE!

*he drew with his wand in midair and a fiery 'PUSH' appeared on the door, he pulled the door open*

Dumbledore: Mobilicorpus!

*Snape's body gently glided across the room and out the door*

Dumbledore: Come on Harry, get out!

*They were almost there when Harry heard something large and heavy collide with the door Dumbledore had charmed shut*

Vold'argent: Ouch! lt says 'push', I'm pushing...it...isn't...moving.

Dumbledore: I suspected that might work.

Harry: But now Hermione and Ron are together.

Kizz: I'll show you a way we can break them up, just need some *whispering*

Later back at Hogwarts...

*Harry and Dumbledore are perched on the Hufflepuff common room window ledge*

Harry: This is dangerous.

Dumbledore: We are high up.

Harry: The fact Cedric went downstairs in chap.23 of GoF was kind of suggestive.

Dumbledore: He was throwing you off. Come on, we've got to climb 15 floors.

*The climbed up to the common room and found Ron and Hermione having a blazing row. Standing ten feet apart, they were bellowing at each other, each scarlet in the face.*

Hermione: Just because it's taken you three years to notice, Ron, doesn't mean no one else has spotted I'm a girl!

Vold'argend: Padma never minded.

Hermione: They're boys underwear Ron.

Harry: Yes! It worked.

Dumbledore: Wait for it...

Vold'argend: It's underwear, nobody wants to see it, just wear it!

Dumbledore: Excellent.

*Vold'argent mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed up the girls' staircase to bed. Vold'argent turned to look at Harry.*

Vold'argent: I don't even remember buying her underpants. Hey!

Harry: We've been spotted, hey, where'd you go?

Dumbledore: You've been spotted, I can go invisible.

Harry: You've got to teach me how to do that.

Dumbledore: Just put your hands over your eyes.

Harry: You sure it works?

Dumbledore: Works for me.

*Harry put his hands over his eyes*

Vold'argent: Hey, where did you go?

Harry: How do we get away?

Dumbledore: Normally I just wait, but that doesn't work with idiots.

5 hours later...

Hermione: I want to make up, I overreacted.

Vold'argent: Where did they go?

Hermione: I said I'm sorry. Are you listening to me?

Vold'argent: They were right there!

Hermione: Ron!

Vold'argent: I don't understand it.

Hermione: I said I'm sorry, what's there to understand?

Vold'argent: What? I don't care about that!

*said Vold'argent in an annoyed sort of voice. Harry smiled; Hermione scowled.*

Dumbledore: I believe their relationship is completely destroyed.

Harry: Excellent.

Hermione: Ron, you are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

*Vold'argent mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed up the girls' staircase to bed. Vold'argent turned to look at where Harry was.*

Vold'argent: Pfft! non-boys!

Neville: I think they're called girls mate.

Vold'argent: Argh!

Neville: What large teeth you have...

Harry: Eww! I hope these windows are self-cleaning.

Dumbledore: Come on, we can go to my office, I've got sweets.

Outside Dumbledore's office...

*the sign on the entrance read 'lift broken'*

Dumbledore: Fools...they're believe anything, little do they know I'm really a barmy old codger. We better move fast, Vold'argent has the shining.

Harry: What?

Dumbledore: Goblet of Fire chapter 22, it says 'Ron seemed to know what was going on inside Harry's head'.

Harry: What?

Dumbledore: And in Prisoner of Azkaban chapter 22 'Dumbledore looked as though he knew what Harry was thinking'.

Harry: So...he can read our minds? Can you teach me how to protect myself?

Dumbledore: My hat is designed to refract mind rays. You think I would wear this hat otherwise? When I wore that naval officers hat I was exposed, that is how they found us.

Harry: Would tin foil work?

Dumbledore: Yes, but it'll get hot and you'll look like an idiot.

Harry: Fine, I'll make my own hat, with Flipjack and Alfie. Nah, forget Flipjack and Alfie! forget everything!

Dumbledore: I'm certain I will.

*Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his halfmoon glasses*.

Dumbledore: It's time.

Harry: For what?

Dumbledore: Yet another revelation. I'm dying Harry.

Harry: What?...but how can we defeat Voldemort?

Dumbledore: No, sorry, dying is the wrong word. I meant I'm entering a sailing competition and I need a first mate.

Harry: Sure.

*Dumbledore stood up promptly, and fell over as stiff as a plank. Harry heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him; terrified of what he was about to see, he opened his eyes.

Dumbledore was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. He was dead.

For a second that contained an eternity, Harry stared into Dumbledore's face, at his open blue eyes, blank and expressionless as the windows of a deserted house, at his half-open mouth, which looked slightly annoyed*

Harry: NOOOOOO! How am I supposed to control a sail boat by myself?

*someone was coming down the corridor, it was Snape*

Harry: Snape! Dumbledore is dead!

Snape: What did you do to him Potter?

*But there was a mad glint in Snape's eyes that Harry had never seen before. He seemed beyond reason.*

Snape: I guess I'll have to be captain.

At the sail boat race...

Snape: Know anything about sailing Potter?

Harry: No, does anyone?

Kizz: Pfft! we have engines today.

Harry: You wrote it!

Snape: SILENCE! I've been told the Dark Lord has put together a very good crew.

Master Bates: Mind out, I'm sick.

*Voldemort's boat drew up along Harry's and Snapes.*

Voldemort: You know something about Dumbledore's current status Potter?

Harry: You expect me to talk?

Voldemort: No Mr. Potter, I expect you to die! Choose a job, choose a career, choose a family, choose life. AVADA KEDAVRA!

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and Harry heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him.

Snape was lying spread-eagled on the deck beside him. He was dead.*

Harry: Oh rats, I'm on bad terms with Hermione, Snape and Dumbledore are dead.

Sirius: You've still got me.

*Voldemort's boat had come about and was heading back*

Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and Harry heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him.

Sirius was lying spread-eagled on the deck beside him. He was dead.*

***** BLOODEST CHAPTER EVER!!!!! *****

Harry: I feel so incredibly sad.

Vold'argent: You've still got me.

Harry: You! You steal my prerequisite girlfriend, become a vampire and eat a load of my friends. I've had enough! CRUCIO!

Vold'argent: Arghhhhh! Forgive me!

Harry: Get up, Ron. Stand up. You ask for forgiveness? I do not forgive. I do not forget. Nine long chapters ... I want nine chapters' repayment before I forgive you. Will this chapter never end?

Kizz: No. And for that we shall add another 25%.

Harry: No! I can't take it.

Kizz: Relax, Dumbledore and Snape are taking a break, they're be back for more sexy and exciting adventures later. Until then, it's you and Lord Pikesalot.

Harry: I'll kill him.

Kizz: Wait until after the resetting...

Back at the Burrow...

Charlie: ...and then it spat him back out, in pieces. The healers said he'd be fine as soon as they find a replacement brain and liver...

Bill: That's really got to hurt...

Charlie: That's nothing, last week the same female ate an entire kindergarten. Oh, hey there Harry.

Harry: Hello Charlie, hey Bill.

Bill: Charlie was telling me about his new girlfriend. She'll take some handling.

Ginny: Mum, have you seen my jumper?

Molly: Yes dear. It was on the dog. Where are Fred and George?

Vold'argent: Some island. They sold themselves for 15 galleons.

Molly: What have you done with your name? That was my gift to you.

Bill: Let it go mum, I think it's cool. Not as cool as my earrings...hey...where'd they go?

*Ron was holding the earrings*

Vold'argent: I'm also a no-good thief with a French name.

*at that moment, an owl came soaring toward the house. It delivered a newspaper perfectly, then dropped dead*

Molly: Oh gosh! Dumbledore is dead.

The article read:

OH GOSH! DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD

Thought to be the work of no-good orphan Harry Potter, Albus Dumbledore, or 'Ron Weasley traveled through time' as he probably isn't, is dead. A close friend of Dumbledore, known as Oozy had this to say:

'he knew how to make that plant, he's ****** now, shame'.

Although You-Know-Who has admitted murder, we think it was Harry Potter. Lashing out under stress from hormones and everyone accusing him of being gay. He was seen in a ladies toilet just two days ago dancing to 'In the Navy'.

Molly: That's terrible, that song has no beat.

Kizz: If only I hadn't killed the music teacher. James, what do you think?

Hetfield: Shut up ******. You guys got pancakes?

Molly: They're in the top cupboard.

Arthur: Morning everyone, what the bloody hell are you all doing in my house?

Hetfield: I'm here to smash up your car.

Arthur: You're 3 years too late. I thought Bill moved out and Charlie was in Romania. What are you two doing here?

Bill: We're here for that nondescript event.

Charlie: Yeah, we wouldn't miss it for the world, whatever it is.

Arthur: Ok then.

Vold'argent: I am the vampire Vold'argent, and I'm going to make your dreams come true.

Charlie: Really?

Vold'argent: No, but I am going to bite you...

Charlie: Oh ra...

Molly: Ronald Weasley! Stop biting your brother.

Charlie: Arghhhhh! I'm dying.

Harry: Very funny Charlie, I'm not joining a ship with you.

*Harry heard something Charlie-like fall to the ground beside him; terrified of what he was about to see, he opened his tiny eyes.

Charlie was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. He was dead.

For a second that contained an 37 peanuts, Harry stared into Charlies's face, at his closed purple eyes, multicoloured and expressionful as the doors of a northern Sahara desert mud hut, at his 79%-open mouth, which looked slightly dead.*

Harry: Oh no! A lot of people believed if a Weasley died Ron may hold me responsible.

Vold'argent: I hold Harry responsible.

Molly: After all we've done for you!

Harry: But it was Ron!

Charlie: It's ok mum, I'm fine. Now I'm a vampire too.

Harry: I don't think it's good that all my friends are becoming vampires. I'm going to sort it, but first I need a powerful adult, please?

Moody: I'm here Potter, if that really is you.

Harry: We've got to do something about these vampires.

Moody: Vampires? I do Dark Wizards Potter. You should have known that unless you're an imposer...

Harry: That's rich coming from you.

Moody: *growling* Come on, I've got Dumbledore's car working.

Inside Dumbledore's car...

Harry: I think I've worked out the controls...this wheel turns us left or right in midair, this stick controls pitch, yaw and roll. That switch turns Heisenburg's uncertainty principle on and off for instant travel. This clock tracks time in 6 continuums, including one non-linear one, it's got an alarm, sleep and T1 internet connection.

Moody: What kind of Dark wizard would have 'internet', what is that?

Harry: It's a global pornography network.

Moody: Watch out!

*an asteroid suddenly zoomed past them, the writing on the side said 'QQ47 DO NOT DESTROY'*

Harry: What does that mean? Where are we?

Sulu: Approaching Devron 3.

Q: We're back here again Harry, I'm screwing up the timeline Harry, let's have some fun...

Dobby: Vladimir sir, Vladimir the house elf.

Harry: Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a good time to be in my room right now. I seem to be in the past.

Q: Sorry Harry, but since they're not making any post-2360 Star Treks, I've got alot of time on my hands.

Harry: Hold on, it's ok. I'll contact Dumbledore and tell him everything that's happened...or everything that's going to happen.

Q: But won't that change the future?

Harry: I don't know...I'm still on good terms with Hermione I'll ask her. Hold on, shouldn't there be 2 of me now?

Q: Let the authors take care of that.

*everything happens like the movie, which means McGonagol writes inverted right-to-left and Peeves never appears, there's also no Professor Binns and in Quidditch Gryffindor only ever play Slytherin. No one ever needs know about Raven...something or the other one*

Chris: Ok, in this scene I want unnatural looks from everyone. Dan, Emma, Rupert - suppress that talent, we just want 5 second mug shots then we'll call in the doubles.

Dan: Our charities still get money right?

Rupert: I'm not doing this if it doesn't ease suffering. You with us Emma?

Emma: I'm probably really nice and generous, but I'm not going to tell you if I donate, I'm just going to look 4 years older and sound really immature and posh.

Rupert: Right...

Chris: Action!

Ron: I love you Hermione!

Rupert: This isn't in the book.

Kloves: I know, I made it up.

Emma: It's a bit tacky...

Kizz: You're a bit tacky.

Chris: What's this guy doing here? Security!

Kizz: Get off me...where are you...ouch. We don't need them, do we Bibo.

Bibo: *monkey noises*

Kizz: You know what to do.

*Bibo ran off...then came screams of terror and pain*

Harry: Hermione!

Hermione: Hey Harry. You've grown...30 centimetres.

Harry: Er...erm...engorgio charm.

Hermione: You're not allowed to do magic outside of school.

Harry: Well you did, 3 years ago, you fixed my glasses right in this spot.

Hermione: We didn't know each other 3 years ago.

*Harry's glasses suddenly broke*

Harry: Oh no, the timeline is falling apart.

Hermione: What are you talking about?

Harry: You wouldn't know, not until you get the timeturner next year.

*suddenly the fabric of time broke,

sending cheap CGI everywhere*

Hermione: Take cover, there's no anti-alaising, they're very sharp.

*the fabric of space-time stabilised*

Hermione: Harry, how did you do that?

Harry: A little trick Dumbledore taught me. Quick, I need a hat that can refract mind rays.

Hermione: Hold on, Ron's here. Over here Ron!

Harry: No! Don't get him over here...

*Ron was walking toward them. Harry put his hands over his eyes and became invisible*

Ron: Where'd he go?

Hermione: I don't know...

Ron: He was right there.

Hermione: It's just us now...on an old romantic street...

Ron: I don't understand it.

Hermione: It's quite simple...you...me...here.

Ron: What? I don't care about that!

Hermione: Ron, you are the most insensitive wart I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

*Ron mouthed soundlessly like a goldfish out of water as Hermione turned on her heel and stormed up the street. Ron turned to look at Harry*

Ron: There you are!

Harry: This will probably not be the best thing to do for the timeline, but it might just work...

Ron: Huh?

Harry: AVADA KEDAVRA!

*Sprawled on the dusty ground in a patch of sunlight, clearly dead, was Ron. It happened immediately: Harry felt as though a hook just behind his navel had been suddenly jerked irresistibly forward. They were all speeding forward in a howl of wind and swirling color; his forefinger was stuck to the boot as though it was pulling him magnetically onward and then -

His feet slammed into the ground*

Snape: So nice of you to join us Potter.

Harry: Where am I? Am I dead? MUM! DAD!

Snape: SILENCE!

Dumbledore: Severus, please, remain calm. No Harry, this is the characters lounge.

Harry: What am I doing here? I should be in the plot...

Dumbledore: Patience Harry, the authors are reconstructing it as we speak, pull up a chair.

*Harry pulled up a chair*

Harry: So this is where you are when you're not in the plot?

Snape: Correct. How much longer?

Kizz: lt's ready now.

*His feet slammed into the ground*

Dumbledore: Excellent, Snape will be helmsman. I've heard Lord Voldemort is planning to kill lots of people, so come heavily armed. What's wrong? You look like you just had a time travel adventure.

Harry: Oh, I did.

Dumbledore: What happened?

Harry: Nothing I couldn't handle.

*the whole school start clapping, Harry laughs and Dumbledore smiles. Helicopter cam moving out from smashed Great Hall windows, over dead Hippogriffs*

THE END

Kizz: Admit it...you thought it was over.

Harry: That would have made a **** ending.

Dumbledore: Especially considering you smashed my car into Chiron. CRUCIO!

*The pain was so intense, so sensual, that he no longer knew who he was. . . . Purple-hot scented knives were piercing every cubic foot of his tongue, his head was surely going to burst with planes, he was screaming like a girl more loudly than he'd ever screamed like a girl in his life*

Harry: Forgive me!

Dumbledore: Get up, Harry. Stand up. You ask for forgiveness? I do not forgive. I do not forget. I'm evil, don't misunderstand.

*Dumbledore, his wand aloft, his face white a furious*

Harry: You do not seek to kill me, Dumbledore? Above such brutality, are you?

Dumbledore: Of course not. Watch; Kizz, give me an extra.

*Unnamed_extra#5 suddenly appeared in the centre of the room*

Unnamed_extra#5: Where am I? Who am I?

Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!

*Harry heard something unaccredited fall to the ground beside him; Unnamed_extra#5 was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. S/he was dead.*

Harry: Was that really necessary?

Dumbledore: No. But the authors aren't going to let me kill you, so I've got to amuse myself somehow. Mobilicorpus!

*Unnamed_extra#5's body flew up and throw a hoop mounted above Dippet's portrait, which now read 'Dipstick'*

Dippet: Ouch!

Dumbledore: Cram it nark!

Dippet: You're a no-good punk barmy old codger Dumbledore!

*Dippet ducked as a hoard of attack monkeys came flying toward him, they disappeared into the portrait, then...*

Dumbledore: Argh, the frames ruined, got blood everywhere.

Harry: Why didn't you just use the killing curse.

Dumbledore: It gets predictable, just like the humour in this story. You know, in 4 years I never got confused mid-speech, nor did I ask you fluff brained idiots what I meant to be saying.

Harry: They've forgotten all about Ron and my friendship, and Hermione sounds more like a Herts/Essex girl than an Oxfordshire one.

Meanwhile wherever Hermione is...

Hermione: I'm from Hemel, raised in Southend, and I'm the dogs ********! Scone! (sc-on)

Michael: No, you are saying it incorrectly. Where I'm residing, Royal Tunbridge Wells, we say scone (sc-ohn). Don't confuse us with that Tonbridge riff-raff.

Back with Dumbledore and Harry...

Harry/Wannabe Mike: Hey! We're not riff-raff.

Dumbledore: Forget them Harry, the authors are just taking the mick out of each others counties.

Kizz: He started it!

Snape: Silence!

Harry: What are you doing here?

Snape: I can't maintain my screen presence without being on screen Potter.

Harry: Whatever. Are we actually going inside your office or not?

Dumbledore: Oh, I seem to have removed the password in a penseive.

Harry: Where is it?

Dumbledore: Deep in the Forbidden Forest. Fetch it for me will you, I'll be in my office.

*Harry ran off*

Dumbledore: Stupid Potter twit.

*The gargoyle sprang to life and jumped aside. He walked through the gap in the walls and stepped onto the foot of a spiral stone staircase, which moved slowly upward as the doors closed behind him, taking him up to a polished oak door with a brass door knocker.*

Meanwhile in the forbidden forest...

Harry: What on earth was Dumbledore doing in forbidden forest?

*Harry tripped over a headstone that read 'Rubeus Hagrid- 1927-Present'*

Harry: 'Present' isn’t a year, this is odd.

*another headstone read 'Ronald 'Vol'argent' Weasley 1980-1995,1995-1995,1995-1995,1995-1992'*

Harry: Wow, all that time travel really made a mess. Hold on...there's no penseive here!

Back in Dumbledore's office...

Dumbledore: Let me waste some time, pad the chapter and give Harry lots of time.

Snape: Can you tell me a story?

Dumbledore: Ok young Severus. I will tell you about the breaking up of the founders. The story begins years before I'm picking it up from. Fair Ravenclaw was sleeping but Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Slytherin had a problem. Their porridge was too hot, so they went for a walk. When Ravenclaw woke and found their porridge. Gryffindor's was far too hot, Slytherin's was cooler, but Hufflepuff's was just right. Then, for some reason she trashed their dorm. When the other founders returned they were very angry...

Gryffindor: Someone's taken a spoonful of my porridge.

Slytherin: Someone's taken a spoonful of my porridge.

Hufflepuff: Someone's eaten all of my porridge.

Gryffindor: We are very angry.

Dumbledore: They confronted Ravenclaw...

Gryffindor: Rowena, will you go out me?

Hufflepuff: Humph!

Ravenclaw: I don't know what to say.

Slytherin: I though you were angry...oh I see...she's a witch!

Gryffindor: *singing* Looking for some hot stuff baby this evening?

Ravenclaw: Erm...

Dumbledore: And so Gryffindor had invented singing. Later that night Slytherin was making a lot of noise...

Gryffindor: What are you doing? It's really off-putting.

Slytherin: Installing medium density fibreglass. It'll cost us in the short term, but we'll make it up on the winter fuel bill.

*Ravenclaw came out into the corridor*

Slytherin: Hey, that's my underwear!

Gryffindor: Huh?

Dumbledore: And so with the revelations of cross-dressing, which was an established sign of a dark wizard, Slytherin had to leave. At this time crude oil hadn't been discovered, so Slytherin made it as far as the entrance hall. His will specified his head should be engorgio'd and placed in the Chamber Of Secrets. Severus?

*Snape was fast asleep*

Meanwhile in the Ravenclaw girls dorms...

Harry: Evening Professor.

Cho: Harry?

Harry: Darn, wrong window!

Cho: Don't go, I've got something for you.

Harry: *gulp*

Cho: Come closer...closer...

Harry: *gulp*

Cho: I bet you've been waiting for this for a long time.

*Harry looked wildly around. Cedric Diggory was pelting up the field, and Cho was shimmering in her bed between them -*

Harry: Take it, then. Go on, take it. You're there.



*But Cedric didn't move. He merely stood there, looking at Harry. Then he turned to stare at Cho. Harry saw the longing expression on his face in her golden light. Cedric looked around at Harry again, who was now holding onto the edge to support himself. Cedric took a deep breath.*

Cedric: You take it. You should win. That's your name in the title.

Harry: That's not how it's supposed to work. Besides, I'm supposed to be confronting Dumbledore.

Cho: Will somebody please play chess with me?

Meanwhile in Dumbledore's office...

Dumbledore: I wonder where Harry's got to...

Harry: Right here.

Dumbledore: Where's my penseive?

Harry: Erm...it was broken.

Dumbledore: My childhood was in there. Now all I remember is muggle newspaper reports. That reminds me: we're going to Scarborough, some barstool townies have drawn all over my train.

Harry: What was it doing in Scarborough?

Dumbledore: It was on it's way here, but most of the track is broken so it has to take the long way. Severus! Wake up!

Snape: I'm awake. I was listening to the whole thing.

Dumbledore: Let's take the Love Bug.

Snape: But that's only got a foot of legroom.

Dumbledore: Severus! We must go, you'll only need your malicious faces.

Next to the Hogwarts express in Scarborough...

Townie_#1: Look, it's a flying thing!

Townie_#2: Nor man! It's a plane!

Townie_#1: That's what I said.

Townie_#2: That's what I said.

Townie_#1: That's what I said. You startin'?

Townie_#2: Nor, You startin'?

Townie_#1: You're startin'?

*The Love Bug began it's decent*

Dumbledore: Faster Severus!

Townie_#2: You're starting?

Snape: This is as fast as it will go!

Townie_#3: Hey, there's a fight!

Townie_#2: Where?

Townie_#1: You're fighting!

Townie_#2: Nah, you're fighting!

Dumbledore: That's it, bombs away!

*There was a blinding flash of green light, and with a great splintering and crashing, the townies were blasted apart -

Townie_#1 was thrown backward onto the live rail. Then they were eaten by lions. Harry looked around and saw the two of them leaning out the windows, Dumbledore in front, his wand outstretched.

At that moment, Harry fully understood for the first time why people said Dumbledore was the only wizard townies had ever feared.*

Later, at dinner...

The Antigallican: Harry, Pass me the French dish.

Harry: There you go. Are you sure the sense of irony is going to make that funny?

Kizz: Harry Harry Harry...I learned along time ago it's easier to have people laughing at you than with you. 95% of the humour isn't funny, the other 12% is offensive. With a 1% margin of error.

Hermione: That doesn't add up.

Harry: Not as much as your test results Hermione, what's up with them?

Late last year...

Snape: Exam marking time again...what did you give Potter?

Flitwick: 72%

Snape: What's this Saturdays temperature going to reach?

Flitwick: 22 C I believe.

Snape: Excellent...hmm, how many wives have I had...

Vector: *thinking* Granger...know it all...random number...27...no, more...270%.

A few days after that...

Harry: 22% on potions...

Ron: Well done mate, I got 0.

Hermione: I got 270% on Arithmancy!

Back to the present...

Harry: That explains a lot...so, do Hogwarts teachers know maths?

Hermione: You would think we would have lessons on maths and essay writing.

Kizz: You're English, just pretend you know everything.

Hermione: I do know everything.

Kizz: Lucky you.

Harry: So, where's the plot going now? Aliens, house elves?

Kizz: Actually, I was thinking you could bring Ron back.

Harry: How? You've exhausted time travel as a plot device. You wrote what happened to Ron's grave.

Hermione: How about making a new Ron?

Harry: Are you insane?

Hermione: We'll use magic.

Harry: Oh right...sorry, I thought we'll be using paper and glue, like Dumbledore did for McGonagol.

Hermione: What? McGonagol's over there.

*McGonagol's paper like hands gave a wave at the exact time Dumbledore's hand moved. For a fleeting instant, Harry thought he saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*

Hermione: I can't imagine what you mean Harry...

Harry: Nothing. How are we going to do it?

Hermione: We'll need to dig him up and get his brain. Then we just stick it in someone’s body, anyone...even you.

Harry: You're sounding kind of scary Hermione, you sure it'll work?

Hermione: That's all Filch's been doing.

In Filch's office...

Filch: *singing* You slice it open and yonk it all out, slap the other one in and shock, five hundred-and-twelve brains to replace five hundred-and-twelve brains!

Later, under the cover of darkness...

Hermione: We need a brain! BRAIN!

*Harry unearthed Ron's corpse. It has been decomposing for 3 years*

Harry: Yuk!

Hermione: Remove the brains!

*Harry picked up Ron's yucky head*

Harry: There's no brain here.

Hermione: What? I need brains!

Harry: lt's just a note....it's a corporate logo. It says 'Darkerer Lord, Copyright 1996'.

Hermione: That woman. We need to find her.

Harry: I'll ask Voldemort.

*They returned the Gryffindor tower, leaving Ron's corpse exposed and his grave open, he began writing...

Dear Voldemort,

Thanks for your last murder attempt. That knife was enormous; it could hardly get through my window. Things are the same as usual here. Dudley's attempt to quit smoking isn't going too well. My aunt found him smuggling cuban cigars into his room yesterday. They told him they'd have to cut his fingers off if he keeps doing it, so he got really angry and chucked his Mac out of the window. That's a sort of computer thing that comes in bright colours. Bit stupid really, now he hasn't got a bright orange box to take his mind off things.

I'm okay, mainly because the Dursleys are terrified you might turn up and kill them all.

A weird thing happened this evening, though. Ron's brain went missing. Last time that happened it was because Seamus had vanished it in a slapstick joke. But I don't reckon he can be anywhere near me now, can he? Do you know if brains sometimes disappear years afterward?

I'll send this with Hedwig when she gets back; she's off hunting at the moment. Say hello to Wormtail for me. Harry*

Even later that night...

Hedwig: *Nokia message ring tone*

Harry: He's replied...

Harry -Im flying north asap 2 kill u. This news about his brain is the latest in a series of silly rumours that have reached me here. If it goes again, go straight to Dumbledore-theyre saying hes got Ozzy out of the Osbournes, which means hes watching TV, even if no1 else is.

I'll be in touch soon. My worst 2 Ron and Hermione. Keep ur eyes closed, Harry. Tb

04/09/95 23:41 Lord Voldemort

Hermione: Can I read it?

Harry: Oops, I deleted it. But I got another one:

Hey little Pottle meister, it’s lily from a few nights ago. Hows everything going? I was drunk so I don’t remember anything, sorry.

08/09/03 13:38 Lily

Harry: She forgot it? But after all we said…

Hermione: *whistles* Where do they authors get this stuff? We have to find the Darkerer Lord.

Harry: With no leads?

Hermione: I have a plan. We'll need a load of watches.

Harry: Why?

Hermione: To make a trap of course.

Harry: Oh right, I get it: lure her in with the watches then her the old stupefy.

Hermione: I was thinking of something else. But that sounds fine.

Harry: Ok then. ACCIO WATCHES!

*Lots of watches came flying toward them*

Hermione: Now we wait.

Hours Later...

Hermione: Oh sod this, let's make him out of paper, at least we can control his proportions.

Harry: Huh?

Hermione: At least we can control his prescriptions.

Harry: Oh, ok. Hey where'd the watches go?

Darkerer Lord: You must be Harry Potter.

Harry: That's right.

Darkerer Lord: I haven't read the books, but I saw the movie.

Harry: Oh, don't believe them. I've got a real attitude problem, I'm from Kent you know.

Hermione: Not this again. You're not from Kent, snap out of it.

Harry: Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Darkerer Lord, do you have Ron's brain?

Darkerer Lord: I have lots of brains.

Hermione: Do you have his?

Darkerer Lord: Yes.

Hermione: Can he have it back?

Darkerer Lord: No, I sold it.

Hermione: To whom?

Darkerer Lord: This greasy haired man. He had half moon glasses, a wooden leg, beetle eyes. He was snake like and had a squeaky voice, but had a bark-like laugh and was wearing tatty torn clothing.

Harry: I bet it was Malfoy.

Hermione: That's the only person she didn't describe.

Harry: Sorry, I wasn't actually listening.

Hermione: What was his name?

Darkerer Lord: Lucius Malfoy.

Harry: See, I was right. One in fifty isn't bad.

Hermione: He was bound to come up sooner or later. Lucky guess.

Harry: But what does Lucius Malfoy want with Ron's brain after all that decomposing?

Hermione: He better not have made a monster.

Lucius: I did. And now he wants a girlfriend.

Ron: Girlfriend! Brains!

Hermione: But you're dead!

Ron: I know you are, but what am I?

Harry: An idiot.

Ron: I know you are, but what am I?

Harry: An idiot.

Ron: I know you are, but what am I?

Hermione: Stop it, both of you!

Ron: You can't defeat me.

Harry: I killed you...and I know how to do it again. AVADA!

Lucius: EXPELLIARMUS! Not this time Potter. My hair is so silky and nice.

Snape: You're roots are still showing Lucius.

Lucius: Says the guy who washes his hair in grease.

Hermione: Where did this come from?

Dumbledore: My hair is silkiest, I should win.

Harry: Win what? How do I get mine so cool.

Kizz: Don't ask me, my shampoo is developed to kill bacteria on the washing up sponge, and remove stains and grease from dishes.

Hermione: Dumbledore, thank goodness you'll here.

Dumbledore: You mean evilness.

Kizz: Ahem.

Dumbledore: I guess you'd expect me to save everyone, need I remind everyone this is the story about a boy, a boy who lived.

Kizz: Don't suppose you care to narrow it down? The fact 'lived' is in the past now means it could refer to over 9 billion males.

Dumbledore: I'm a talking about Harry Potter.

Kizz: Never heard of him.

Dumbledore: Skinny, annoying, between the ages of 0-40, white male.

Kizz: Any distinctive features?

Dumbledore: A scar that always points north.

Harry: No it doesn't.

Kizz: Merlin’s beard! You're Harry Potter!

Lucius: Are we going to get back to my hair?

Kizz: Can it do any tricks?

Dumbledore: No it can't, but Lucienstein's monster is gnawing at Miss Granger.

Hermione: Ron! stop it ARGHHH!

Harry: I can't do anything!

Dumbledore: Think Harry! It's your name in title, I'm not helping until you're about to die.

Harry: That's stupid.

Dumbledore: I know, but you're supposed to be showing a deep down unbreakable love.

Hermione: For me?

Dumbledore: Not that type.

Lucius: For me?

Dumbledore: No, he has to kill you.

Ron: For me?

Dumbledore: That's it.

Harry: I can't interfere, they're my friends.

Hermione: ...choking...me

Harry: You've got to work it out.

Hermione: ...can't...breath...

Harry: That's not very nice Ron, no wonder girls don't go on second dates with you.

Draco: *makes notes*

Kizz: *incorrectly copies notes*

Dumbledore: Screw it Harry, if you're not going to kill anyone, I will.

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and Harry heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him.

Hermione was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. She was dead.*

Harry: What was the point of that?

Dumbledore: Let's take a look at this scene: you- a dimwit, no threat; Ron: he's a monster, but I can handle it; Lucius: dark wizard obsessed with hair; Hermione: the smallest, thus easiest to kill.

Lucius: My monster will have a mate...how terrible for humanity.

Ron: yuck! Mate? That's sick.

Dumbledore: Hormones authors!

Ron: *singing* I'm a love machine, and I don't work for nobody but you (oo yeah). La la--la-la--la la--la-la--la... la-la.

Harry: Erm...

Ron: *singing* Wham Bam, I am a man...

Harry: I'm just confused.

Ron: ...do you enjoy what you do? If not, don't stay there and...

Dumbledore: The '80s, a decade best forgotten.

Harry: I've had enough, Stupefy!

*Ron was stunned*

Ron: I was stunned.

Harry: Guess you want to know how I did that without my wand?

Dumbledore: Normally yes, but they've just filled up the snack bowl in the authors' lounge.

Kizz: You better stay out of there!

Dumbledore: Make me, nark!

Kizz: I know you are but what am I?

Dumbledore: A nark

Kizz: I know you are but what am I?

Dumbledore: A nark.

5 hours later...

Kizz: I know you are but what am I?

Dumbledore: A nark.

Kizz: I know you are but what am I?

Dumbledore: A pigeon.

Kizz: *stumped* Hey, where'd my characters go?

JKR: My characters you meant? Hermione is reading, Ron and Harry are doing Snape's homework and the others are going about their business.

Kizz: Where's the real world violence in that?

JKR: It's about a child’s battle with evil while he's at school. This chapter's been one long bar crawl, and you've spent more time commenting on the plot than they've spent learning magic. You haven't even sorted the first years.

Dumbledore: Yes they did, I remember distinctly.

*Desatuaration filter, init. memory*

Dumbledore: Welcome all. I've got 5 words for you: dude, where is my leaf?

*the kids are stumped*

Dumbledore: I must also read out some start of term announcements: the forbidden forest is strictly out-of-bounds to minor characters. Professor Snape has asked me to remind you to stay out of his stash, ahem, office, and I must remind you greenhouse 3 is forbidden to all those who do not wish to suffer a terrible sight. Over to you talking hat.

Hat: Cheers Dumbledore! 1,2,1 2 3 4

*music starts*

[song]

Hat: Oh, I am the sorting hat, I come from far away.

School: What do you play?

Hat: I play...bag-pipes and I can not lie, You other brothers can't deny, that when a scot walks in with an itty bitty bag, sing it!

*Dumbledore starts break dancing*

Hat: *rapping papa roach style* Let me tell you how it all began,

Gryffindor: he was a lion, noble and brave,

Slytherin: the cross dressing tinman,

Hufflepuff: Brain of straw, she lived in a cave,

Ravenclaw: clever as hell, lacked any tan,

The four founders they were, anyone they could deter,

Strutin' their stuff, they'd disappear in a puff,

I'm the sorting hat, I got no rhythm and I've got no life. Sorted!

[/"song"coughcrapcough]

Dumbledore: Thank you Sorty boy. Commence!

*the first girl stepped up, put the hat on her head*

Hat: She's a he! Slytherin!

*next boy*

Hat: As thick as the length of this hall, no talent. Hufflepuff!

*next: a tall girl*

Hat: She's a muggle! Hufflepuff!

Snape: Professor, how did a muggle get in?

Dumbledore: I'm assuming this is set after I killed McGonagol.

Snape: Oh, ok.

*return to present*

JKR: Whatever, this is a load of rubbish anyway, do you even read the books?

Kizz: I think so.

The next morning...

Dumbledore: Now that everything is back to normal I have a few announcements. I've arrlanged a compulsory exchange program for the following students:

*he roled out a piece of parchment 40 feet long*

Dumbledore: Potter, Harry. And that's the end of the list.

Harry: Where am I going?

Dumbledore: According to this letter, a remote faraway island.

Harry: Where?

Dumbledore: I'm sure all will be revealed in the next chapter.

Harry: You mean?...

Dumbledore: Yes Harry.

Harry: It's over?

Dumbledore: Yes.

Kizz: Phew. Man that was long.

Sirius: Shouldn't you try and end on a cliff hanger?

Lupin: A mystery...

Snape: A murder...

Lucius: But who?...

Neville: And by who?...

Fred: There could be more than one...

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and Harry heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him.*

George: Sorry, I was just testing my new blazing green light and I dropped it.

*A blast of green light blazed through Harry's eyelids, and Harry heard something heavy fall to the ground beside him.

Someone was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. They were dead.*

Chapter 10: Ego Cybium


We join our characters in the hall, eating toast...

Hermione: Don't you want Marmite on that toast Harry?
Harry: But Hermione, we don't have Marmite!
Dumbledore: Do you think I'd run a school without Marmite young Harry?
Snape: Let's all eat Marmite and then sing about rainbows!
Ron: Yuk! But I like Bovril.
Harry: Bovril?
Snape: I eat goats intestines Mr Weasley, and you disgust even me. My soul mate will love Marmite and hate Bovril.
Dumbledore: No let's all enjoy one last jar before we sing our allegeance to the forums...I mean...school.

*All sing forum song. The Weasley twins finish last, to the tune of a slow funeral march.*


On many a well remembered field,
Has Morgoth fought and won.
At times he loses, but if he does,
He'll ban some junior members... they're abuzz.
And as the years roll on and on,
And posters bid goodbye,
Their comrades still in spirit don
The mantles they've cast by...

So strive with a will Hogsmediates!
Success attend thy post!
Never let thy ardour cool,
For the honour of the thread,
On CoS... to the fray!

Though Steve and Valerie are departed, their pseudonyms live yet
To stimulate our play;
Their memory doth strength beget,
And drives despair away.
With pride we look back on the days
When those old heroes fought -
How eager was our youthful gaze !
How much to us was taught!

(Chorus)

And now we fight ourselves for fame
On us the forums relies
Her ancient glory to maintain -
An honour that we prize.
Whole heartedly we play the game,
The whole team works as one;
To win over hpforums is our sole aim
All flaming in posts we shun...

(chorus)

In future years we shall reflect
With pleasure on these days;
Then shall we feel the good effect
This grand old pastime claims,
'Tis thus we learn how to succeed
In life's far easier strife;
'Tis thus we learn to live indeed
A truly geeky life

(chorus, but with extra vigour)


Dumbledore: *whispering* You'd think that they'd get a new joke, after all these years, but they keep on with that one.
Ozzy: But we only ****ing ever sung this the first ****ing year, Albus.
Dumbledore: No, you were just too high to remember it the previous times.
Ozzy: ****, I don't even know why I'm ****ing here. SHARON!
Dumbledore: Ahem. We're going on an excursion, I don't know when because the real-life detail that one of the authors was going to throw in got deleted.
Harry: So how are we supposed to go...where?
Dumbledore: Some place, the author never found that out either.
Harry: What are we supposed to do?
Hermione: Isn't it obvious? Everything that happens in these books has got something to do with killing you, then twisting it and adding more revelations.
Harry: And... it's making me famous.
Dobby: Oh suit you sir.
Winky: Suit you sir.
Dobby: Oh suit you sir.
Harry: What?
Dobby: Sorry, Harry Potter, sir... Dobby is just exercising his freewill, you see, houselves used to be treated like vermin, sir...
Ron: Boring...
Dobby: Of course, Dobby is still treated like vermin sir.

*Dobby winks at Harry Potter, obviously trying to tell Harry something. Harry, however, remained clueless.*

Harry: Dobby... is Voldermort...

*Ron gasps.*

Harry: Shut up, Ron... Dobby, is Voldermort back?
Dobby: Speak not the name, sir, speak not the name.
Harry: Oh, for goodness sakes... I've about had it here... Dobby, has He-who-must-not-be-named returned?
Dobby: Why, no sir... it's just... *whispers* your fly is undone.

*Harry blushes.*

Seamus: Ha, look, Harry's fly is undone!

*Harry's fly blows up.*

Harry: Oh, for goodness sakes, Seamus, now look what you've done!
Lockhart: Don't worry people, everything is under control.
Harry: Where did you come from? I thought you were in a mental institution!
Lockhart: Fame is a fickle friend, Harry, remember that... celebrity is as celebrity does.
Harry: That's what you always say.
Lockhart: Stand back, people... this won't take a second.
Harry: No... not you!

*Lockhart points wand at Harry's fly and says 'Reparo'. There is a blinding flash, a puff of purple, elderberry coloured smoke, and then the smoke clears. Harry's trousers have gone.*

Ron: Harry... you know that dream you have, when you accidentally forget to wear your clothes to school?
Harry: Just shut up, Ron.
Lockhart: Well... at least there's no problem with your zip, Harry.
Harry: I don't even have a zip any more, you idiot!
Hermione: Harry, you need to see Madame Dilnarc.

*At this point the authors will introduce a never-before seen character, to add a hint of originality to the whole story. Her name is Madame Dilnarc , and her favourite activity is admiring herself. She is the laundry person.*

Dilnarc: You should have come straight to me, I can fix trousers in a jot, but regrowing them... you're in for a painful night, boy. *growls*
*unnecessary page break*
Dilnarc: Well, now we've established me as the laundry teacher, I'm going to close the laundry room for an indefinite period while I make some tweaks. I'll leave everything accessible but I hope no one comes in ands soils anything.
Harry: What are you talking about? When can I have my trousers?
Dilnarc: I can't hear you, I'm too busy looking at myself in the mirror.
Harry: That's is, this is rubbish. I'm going to a different set of forums.
Dilnarc: Then you are an abomination in the eyes of God.

Next day, and Harry has managed to fashion a spare pair of trousers out of some chocolate frog cards, a washing up liquid bottle and some sticky back plastic... I mean, spellotape.

Ron: I think you're looking good.
Dilnarc: Are you religious? Do you find me attractive? Could you amuse yourself without me?
Ron: No,yes and yes.
Dilnarc: Sorry, you don't match the specified criteria. What about you Harry?
Harry: Erm...why don't you ask that cat?
Dilnarc: She's unclean.
Harry: Ah... should we burn her?
Dilnarc: No, but to be quite honest I don't find her that attractive, she doesn't sing praises to God continuously. *gets out pocket mirror* My goodness, you're good looking, Josh...
Harry: Ron, have you put a vanity curse on her?
Ron: No, he's always been like this.
Dilnarc: I'm bored with you now, go and amuse yourselves for a bit. But if I catch you in another room you're be banned.
Harry: But what another rooms could we possibly go to?
Hermione: Of course! The Chamber of Unmagicked Underwear!

Later that day in the dungeons...

Snape: Ok class, today we will be brewing love potions, although these are strictly against the rules i'm feeling quite lonely at the moment.
Dilnarc: Do you find me devilishly attractive?
Snape: No, Madame Dilnarc, I think you look like a fool. 5 points from Gryfindor for suggesting such a stupid idea.
Harry: Hey, he's not even in Gryffindor... he must be in Hufflepuff.
Kit: Hey, we'll have no houseism here... I'll put him in... Slytherin, he's evil enough.
Draco: We have standards, we don't want him.
Kit: Um, okay... *obliterates Dilnarc*

*Cheering*

Ron: to Crabbe Hey, this puts this whole thing into perspective, huh?

*Ron hugs Crabbe*

Crabbe: *grunts and knocks Ron out*

*Author's note: Hehe, nice to see a bit of violence for a change...

Umbridge: Ahem.
Kit: What are you doing here, go away.
Umbridge: End of book 5 spoiler policy, I can do what I like now... ahem *points to notice on wall*

BY ORDER OF THE HIGH INQUISITOR OF HOGWARTS

Professor Dolores Umbridge, not previously mentioned for fear of the book 5 spoiler policy, must now appear in every chapter several times, to make sure that readers do not have too much fun reading and posting here.

Dolores Jane Umbridge.

Kit: Go to hell, this is my story and I'm not having you in it.
Umbridge: Ahem.

*Kit stabs Umbridge with cursor.*

Hermione: I sense author intervention returning... can you give the house-elves better working conditions?
Kit: No, we need those so that we can laugh at your sense of social conscience.
Hermione: Okay, anyone want to S.P.E.W?
Ron: Well, now you mention it, that fish was a bit fishy at lunch...
Hermione: Oh, just make that joke again, Ron, we all love it.
Ron: Yeah, it's hilarious... oh, wait, you were being sarcastic.
Hermione: Yeah, Ron, you could be an honourary blonde.
Ron: Why thank you!
Kit: Hey, respect to blondes... I recently bought Microsoft Word for Blondes.
Ron: Oh, is it good.
Kit: Yeah, have it.
Hermione: That's just a pencil.
Kit: Exactement, ma amie.
Ron: Wow... and you use this to write? Weird...
Mr. Weasley: And how exactly does a pobile mone work?
Kit: Very well... why are you here?
Mr. Weasley: Whenever a Muggle invention is discussed I have to come in and ask how a humourously mispelt Muggle invention works... it's the only part I really have.
Kit: Fair enough... now go away.
Mr. Weasley: *trailing off* I can do other stuff too...
Kizz: Can you dance?
Ron: I can!

*Ron just starts dancing when a localised thunder storm begins...he gets struck, then sucked up in a cyclone.*

Kizz: Author intervention will resume after this word from our sponsors.
Sponsor: Have yo..
Kizz: This word, not these, be banished!
Harry: I'm confused, what's the plot in this chapter?
Kizz: There's no plot for this one, if you're lucky Dumbledore will make an appearence, but i'm told Voldemort isn't interested in every cheap gimmicky fanfic we can be bothered to make so we're reorganising the cast. Hagrid!
Hagrid: 'ere!
Kizz: You're going to be one of Harry's class mates, Ron seemed to have far too much pulling power for someone fictional but i'm sure...
Ron: I'm still loved more than Jonny Wilkinson, have that rugby boy!
Snape: Don't move Potter, AVADA...
Ron: Wait, I have a song...*clears throat*
Snape: *to self* This should give me enough time to readjust the sides of my mouth...malicious glare...you've still got it.


Ron *while madly wacking guitar and playing drums* fell in love with a girl
i fell in love once and almost completely
she's in love with the world
but sometimes these feelings can be so misleading...


Snape: ENOUGH! *there was a mad glint in Snape's eyes that Harry had never seen before. He seemed beyond reason.*
Hermione: Professor...
Snape: No, Miss Granger, the pink and yellow flairs will not suit you.
Dobby: Suit you, sir...

*Ron whacked Dobby on head with inflatable banana.*

Kit: Good work, Ron, I'm starting to hate you less... wait, no, that's just the coffee... continue.
Hermione: How did you know what I was thinking, Professor?
Snape: Ah, good point, Miss. Granger, 10 points from Gryffindor for bringing it up.
Harry: What, you can't do that!
Snape: 50 points for disagreeing with me, Mr. Potter. Now Dumbledore has refused to be in this fan fiction, I rule... so, to save the world, I want... *puts wand to mouth* one Galleon!

*Whole school laughs.*

Snape: What? What? What's so funny?
Seamus This is 1998, that's practically no money... idiot!
Snape: Alright, alright... I want... *puts wand to mouth* one hundred Galleons!
Harry: From who? Why?
Snape: From you! Give it to me! One Galleon!
Harry: Ok..

*Harry passed a galloen to Snape*

Snape: Muhahaha!
Harry: Let's get out of here, I'm not sure where this development is coming from.
Kizz: Don't ask me, I'm just continuing where Kit left it.
Harry: We need to go somewhere completely random if it's going to be interesting.
Hermione: This fic is already 100 pages long! No one would be reading it this far.

*Dumbledore cleared his throat. The Wizengamot fell silent again.*

Harry: How'd we get here?

*He stared down at Dumbledore for a moment or two, then, with the appearance of a man pulling himself back together...*

Dilnarc: We haven't got time to listen to more tarradiddles, I'm afraid, Dumbledore. I want this dealt with quickly.
Dumbledore: I may be wrong, but I am sure that under the Wash Room Charter of Rights, the accused has the right to present witnesses for his or her case? Isn't that the policy of the Department of Magical Cleaning, Madam Dilnarc?
Dilnarc: *singing* I'm...too sexy for my shirt, I'm....too sexy for my skirt.
Dumbledore: I cannot allow you to expose yourself to my students, Dilnarc.

*for the first time, he looked disgusted*

Dilnarc: Oh, you prude, Dumbledore. Okay, here's the plan for here: we clean it all up, and then install floor to ceiling mirrors and loads of little purple pouffes, and then all drink cappacino and get high on ginger.
Dumbledore: Your obsession with cappacino is disturbing. I thought I was bad, and I like cafe lattes, but you... you just disgust me. Harry, would you like your first witness?
Harry: But, I don't have any...
Dumbledore: Oh, you're not being very professional about all this, Harry. Dobby!

*Enter Dobby*

Dobby: I have a sock!
Dumbledore: Yes, yes, that's very nice, but more importantly, have you seen this man before?
Dobby: Yes.

*There is a gasp of surprise from the audience, but, to add a sense of mystery, all of their faces are in shadow, apart from a toad. This toad is in fact not Umbridge, but neither is it a toad, for reasons that will become apparent.*

Dumbledore: Can you tell us where?
Dobby: Ah, the year was 1974, free love was everywhere, and I was but a little house elf, and...
Dilnarc: Get to the point.
Dobby: Yes... anyway... I was out, painting the town red, "Lock up your daughters, Dobby's out", and then I saw... Dilnarc.
Dumbledore: Does this have any point?
Dobby: No, I just wanted a day away from the wife.
Kit: Wife?
Dobby: Ah, yes, me and Winky have decided to co-habit. After all, we're both free elves now... but she likes a bit of butterbeer... 'tis strong stuff for house elves, sir. But... *giggles* Dumbledore says we can call him a barmy old codger if we likes, sir. But Dobby doesn't want to do that.
Dilnarc: Co-habit? HEATHEN! You pagan house elf!
Dumbledore: You can insult me, you can insult the pensieve, but you can't insult sock loving house elves... IMMUNDA!

*In another random scene change, we are in the Hogwarts laundry rooms. Piles of robes, scarves and, inexplicably, mirrors, coat the walls. A washing machine door is open, and there seems to be some sort of mist behind it.*

*Harry saw the look of mingled arrogance and surprise on the laundry teacher's screwed up, never handsome face as he fell through the washing machine door and disappeared behind the veil. The washing machine span for a monent, as if in the middle of a spin cycle, then slowed back to normal pace.*

Dumbledore: You didn't see anything if I didn't see anything, okay, Harry?
Harry: Er... okay.
Dumbledore: *tries to apparate away*
Hermione: Have you never read Hogwarts: A History? You can't apparate within the grounds of Hogwarts.
Dumbledore: No. Madame Pince took away my library card for talking in the library. Why, is that true?
Hermione: Yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bed, before either of you two think up another plan to get us killed... or worse, expelled.

*Exuent Hermione*

Dumbledore: Miaow! Saucer of milk for her! *Dumbledore disappears*
Harry: What? Where did he go?
Dumbledore: Remember, Harry, I don't need a cloak to become invisible! I just put drugs in the pumpkin juice to make you all hallucinate. Oops... I shouldn't have said that.
Hagrid: 'Ere, that's my line! 'Ands off my lines! That's a rogue bludger!
Harry: Thanks, Hagrid.
Hagrid: No problem, 'Arry. Would you like to come back to my 'ut for some stoat sandwiches and rock cakes?

*Harry, who had had enough experience of Hagrid's cooking, declined the offer.*

That night in the dungeons...


Malfoy: Summer shovin' had me a blast
Patsy: summer shovin', happened so fast
Malfoy: I met a pug crazy for me
Patsy: I met a ferret, cute as can be
Malfoy and Patsy: Summer days driftin' away, to uh-oh those summer nights
Crabbe and Goyle: Tell me more, tell me more, did you get very far?
Slytherin Girls: Tell me more, tell me more, like, what's the capital of Qatar?
Malfoy: She walked by me, she got attacked,
Patsy: Someone approached me, hit my respiratory tract,
Malfoy and Patsy: Summer sun, something's begun, but uh-oh those summer nights
Slytherin Girls: Tell me more, tell me more, could you put up a fight?
Crabbe and Goyle: Tell me more, tell me more, did the assailant bite?
Malfoy She ran away, fled into the trees,
Patsy: My face was inflamed, like some kind of disease,
Malfoy: It was horrible, too easy to mock,
Patsy: I had to travel for treatment, far to Bangkok,
Malfoy and Patsy: Painful skewt sting don't mean a thing, but uh-oh those summer nights.
Slytherin Boys: A well-uh-well-uh-well-uh...


Snape: What is this, a singing club?
Malfoy: No, sir, we're practising for the school's production of Grease: The Magical.
Snape: Well, go practise elsewhere.
Malfoy: How about... in the Chamber of Unmagicked Underwear?
Snape: Arg... who told you? Where am I? Where's my hairbrush?

*Section deleted. Normally this would be rewritten, but we're going to let you guess what happened*

Malfoy: Get with the times, Snape! I have a high speed internet connection at home.
Snape: And what company is it provided by, Mr. Malfoy?
Malfoy: AOL.

*Snorts of derision from audience.*

Snape: So... Mr. Malfoy. Our new... netizen. Clearly a high speed connection isn't everything?
Malfoy: So. You don't even have a net connection.
Snape: I'll have you know that I have all my potion ingredients and hair care products delivered by Tesco online... because I'm worth it too, Mr. Malfoy.
Malfoy: Oh, yeah, prove it.
Snape: I provide one of the best plot characters. I keep saving Mr. Potter, even though I don't want to, you think I'm good, but am I, or is it just that my voice is so silky soft that you may just think that... so who do you trust?
Malfoy: Well, I'm your typical school bully, and let me tell you, keeping tabs on who to steal dinner money from and then writing up the records at the end of the day is no cup of tea.
Crabbe: Yes. After a burdensome day being hard, we hardly get time to play a duet of Mozart on the piano before we're up for the next day, indeed, Goyle?
Goyle: Yes, old bean. Jolly right.
Madame Pince: You think that you're all heroes, but it's me that's going to be revealed as the hero at the end of book 7, when all the facts come out... oops, I shouldn't have said that.
Tonks: Don't ask me, I'm just the one with the stupid name. Where's Harry?

*All look around for Harry*

Goyle: I surmise the totality of this rendition was consummated with the object to beguile the reader.
Crabbe: A jolly shame old boy.
Goyle: Rightly so, they pass the time to read captian and find out who's brown.
Crabbe That's right me old china, I've had enough of this noah's i'm going for a bangers.

Meanwhile in Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions...

Ron: I can't believe we just walked over 700 miles.
Harry: At least you got to wear clothes, who had to walk 700 miles naked? Who had to be pointed and screamed at my a convoy of young immature girls on the way? Who had to run though a gay rights march with nothing but a newspaper?

*Every bitter and resentful thought Harry had had on the past walk was pouring out of him: his frustration at the lack of clothes and his annoyance at a itchy rash on his back. Ron was rolling on the floor, clearly laughing and at a loss for getting up, whilst Hermione looked on the verge of tears of laughter*

Ron: Oh Harry, you're the living end.
Hermione: We just need to get you some new robes.

*The trio look around picking robes, Hermione fines some and they go into the changing rooms*

Lupin: Hello Harry.
Harry: Professor! I mean...
Lupin: It's ok Harry. I need to talk to you. Seeing as you've now lost two father figures I fear your masculinity is beginning to go, we can't have you clothes shopping every weekend now can we? And I saw you with that newspaper. I've got nothing against it, but the authors really don't want Ron to end up with the girl.
Harry: What?

*Lupin walked closer but tripped on robes that had fallen to the floor. It seemed to take Lupin an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged curtain hanging from the cubicals. Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his old professor's wasted, once possibly handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the curtain, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind, then fell back into place.*

Harry: LUPIN!

*He had reached the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. Lupin must be just behind the curtain, he, Harry, would pull him back out… But as he reached the ground and sprinted towards the cubical, Madam Malkin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back.*

Madam Malkin: One person per changing room dear.
Harry: Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!
Madam Malkin: There's nothing you can do, Harry… nothing… it's the rules.

Star Wipe to the Great Hall at lunch time...

Dean: He was like "no way man", and i'm like "yeah man" and he's all "nah" and i'm all "yeah"
Seamus: That's heavy
Dean: It's like...ya.
Seamus: Nah...
Dean: Yeah!

Plain switch to laundry room

*Harry, Draco and Ron are walking through the laundry room with Fang, with steam coming out of the washing machines. Suddenly, something comes out from behind a pile of laundry.

Ron: Oh, I bet it's another bloody spider again!

*Ron runs away with Fang. Suddenly, from behind a pile of clothes horses, a mystery Wardrobe of Woe appears. Harry stumbles back over some pipes and the lamp smashes. Suddenly, the doors fly open, and a strong smell of mothballs fills the room. Harry and Draco cautiously venture into the wardrobe. First they push past some robes, and then into the wardrobe, which is very deep. Finally, they are standing under a lamp post in deep, crunch snow. J.K. Rowling rides up in a sleigh.*

Rowling: Hello, Draco... you've always been my favourite character, all along... would you like to join me in my sleigh. You can become King of Narnia and have as much turkish delight as you like!
Draco: Well... I already have some turkish delight... but this stuff is nicer... it's a deal!

* * *

What has happened to Ron and Fang? Will Draco be sick? Will Harry understand the signifigance of the lamp post? All this and more will be revealed in Chapter 11, coming to a cinema near you soon!

Author's re-introduction

A long time ago, in 2 bedrooms, a fan fiction so novel and dangerous was produced that many people seriously doubted that something so new and innovative could ever be allowed out into the "real" world. Then, we posted it on CoS and proved all the doubters wrong. Hence, we rock.

Anyway, for those original avid followers of the story, who are not sat there covered with dust, their fingers worn out from clicking the "Refresh" button so many times waiting for updates... A NEW CHAPTER DAWNS! The more observant/less drugged up (depending on whether you are or aren't in a mental institution) of you may have realised that there hasn't been any updates since November 2003. Well done. The simple reason was, we were bored. Kizz had his body building to attend to and I had to pretend to be working hard at school. But, we now return, ready to warp yet more childish minds and maybe rewarp some of the original readers who seem to be getting annoyingly unwarped and sentient.

Let the randomness re-begin, with...

Chapter 11 - The Re-Beginning

WARNING: The following story has both PoA film spoilers and increased randomisation. If you suffer from incontinence, we advise you not to continue reading and instead seek professional help. Parts of the chapter are over six months late, so you may be required to re-don your christmas spirit.

For the rest of you, read on...

McGonagall: *flicks dust off robes* Wha...? What happened, Albus?
Kit: Carry on, guys, there's been absolutely no break in the storyline whatsoever.
McGonagall: But... it's June! Albus, they should be doing their end of year exams!
Dumbledore: Oh, what's the point? We all know the results: Hermione will get more percents than is possible, Harry and Ron'll both do okay, and Crabbe and Goyle will both pass 'cause I fiddled with their exam papers because they're neccasery characters... um... I mean... because you can't have everything.
Snape: Don't worry, they'll be off to join the Death Eaters with me in a bit.
Dumbledore: Hush, Severus, I'm meant to believe you've changed and aren't evil till Book 7, when we both join Voldemort... together!

*For a fleeting instant, McGonagall thought she saw a gleam of something like triumph in Dumbledore's eyes.*

McGonagall: What was that, Albus?
Dumbledore: Oh... um... I was just saying how much I like my new beard hairband, Minerva.
McGonagall: Actually, I think it makes you look really stupid, why do you wear it, Albus?
Dumbledore: DO NOT INSULT THE PRECIOUS BEARD BAND OF LORD VOLDEMORT! I mean... um... Alfonso Cuaron said it made me look sexier.
Trelawney: Oh, and it does, Albus! *growls*

*Everyone turns to stare at beard-band enthralled Trelawney*

Trelawney: What... did I say something?

After the token PoA-movie including introduction, we rejoin the main story, where Trelawney no longer stars, McGonagall is still dead, Ron's still disliked by both authors, and Dumbledore... may or may not keep his beard band, we haven't decided yet.

*Snow is falling from the sky (unsurprisingly, it doesn't usually come from anywhere else). Paper cut (the most painful kind of cut) to Rowling's sleigh, pulled by Thestrals, who are of course invisible... maybe. Draco is eating Turkish Delight, the pig...*

Rowling: Draco, you may be surprised, but I do have an ulterior motive to calling you here today?
Draco: You do? But, I thought you just wanted to give me Turkish Delight!
Rowling: Alas no... my schedule is already busy enough, what with media, premieres, writing book 6, updating my new flash website, making... I mean, looking after babies... I don't have time to randomly hand out sugar any more.
Draco: Tell me more about making the babies.
Rowling: No! *slap* This is already close enough to become slash fan fic as it is, leave out the obvious sexual references!
Draco: Well, whatever... we can discuss that later.
Rowling: In your dreams. The real reason was, I've decided my stories are becoming too overladen with evil people. I mean... we have the Dursleys, you, the Death Eaters, Voldemort, Pettigrew, Snape, Dumbledore...
Draco: Dumbledore's evil?
Rowling: I never said that. Forget about it. And buy more Harry Potter merchandise, while you're at it.
Draco: Yeah, I've always wanted to spend my money on overpriced carrot flavour jelly beans.
Rowling: Shut up, those are every flavour beans... EVERY D*MN FLAVOUR, I tell you!
Draco: Well, if you count "every flavour" as 7 flavours.
Rowling: Well, I was going to give you the chance to switch sides, but after you've insulted my preciousssss... I mean, my precious merchandise so much, you're cut from the story.
Draco: How are you going to do that?
Rowling: I'll just write you out with my fountain pen of woe...
Draco: Oh, nice pen, where did you get it?
Rowling: It was a birthday present... my precioussssss...
Draco: Shh, you've been accused of plagiarising enough, stop nicking Gollum.
Rowling: I'm not, it's my original... oh, shut up... you're cut. Well... maybe. I might decide to bring you back at some point if I decide to market a line of Draco Malfoy hair gel.

*Draco is cut from the plot*

*Rowling continues in her sleigh, on her way to... um... something other than make babies, meanwhile Hogwarts is besieged by Christian zealots*

Hermione: How on earth could a group of muggles find Hogwarts; it’s unplottable, unplottable I say!
Ron: She’s gone megalomanic Hermione has; I mean; not that she wasn’t always megalomanic, but now it’s out in the open for everyone to see!
Hermione: All shall bow before me!
Harry: I want to see what this has got to do with Harry Potter; I mean me.
Hermione: It’s the authors trying to be funny, polka dot underpants.
Harry: I don’t find it funny!

*In a nonsensical switch, Daniel Radcliffe breaks down crying*

Rupert: Hey, where are the tears?
Emma: Psst! Just pretend they’re there. They’ll add them with CGI later.
Alfonso: I’ve got a better idea. Harry, you’re going to have to do a love scene with Hermione.

*Dan breaks down crying with real tears*

Rupert: Good one Alfonso!
Alfonso: Thanks, now Emma and Daniel I want you to come up to Gryffindor tower in half an hour.
Emma: What scene is that in the books?

In order to create a sense of disjointment there will be a random scene change in the next few lines


Random scene change

SIRIUS was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his deadness was signed by the Fudgemeister, the Dumbledude, the other unnamed characters, and the chief mourner. Harry signed it. And Harry's name wasn't really good upon 'Change for anything he chose to put his hand to', but this is indeed a quote, so we'll ignore that.

Old Padfoot was as dead as a door-nail.

Dumbledore: Where am I?

Dumbledude was at a wedding...a very weird wedding

Dumbledore: Thank goodness for italics!
Wizard Clergy: Do you promise to stay faithful, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, through times of plentiful socks and times of few?
Dobby: *squeaks* I do!
Wizard Clergy: And you, Winky?
Winky: *sniffs* I do... *takes swig from Butterbeer*

(The trio are at the back of Hogwarts Chapel)
Ron: Winky's drunk at her own wedding? Ew... this makes me want to SPEW!
Hermione: Don't be so stupid, Ron, you're already a member
Ron: Oh, will you quit with the house elf talk, Hermione?
Hermione: Ron! House elves are very important. Who else cleans out the fire place, cooks the meals,

*mute*

Wizard Clergy: You may kiss the bride.

*Dobby kisses Winky*

*General aww-ing from chapel*

Outside Hogwarts chapel (in Knockturn Alley)

Harry: Congratulations, Dobby. I sure hope that I get married some day, when I manage to sort out my complicated love life between Hermione, Ginny and Cho.
Dobby: Thank you, sir.
Hermione: Where are you planning to go on your honey moon then, Dobby?
Dobby: I've found a lovely cupboard next to the fire in the kitchen, that's full of my reject socks. We're going there.
Harry: Sounds great, Dobby. But why do you have so many reject socks?
Dobby: I kept knitting matching pairs by mistake, and, apparently, that's not allowed by the author, who wants to make it seem like I have sub-normal intelligence.
Random old lady carrying tray of fingernails: *to Harry* Not lost, are you, dear?
Harry: Um... er...
Hagrid: Harry? What're yer' doin' down here?
Harry: I was at Dobby's wedding. Why? why are you here?
Hagrid: Um... er... I was buying some slug-eating flesh repellent.
Harry: Yeah, sure Hagrid.
Hagrid: Okay, Harry, I admit it... I was buying S Club Junior's new album.
Harry: Ew... I knew Knockturn Alley sold loads of bad stuff, but nothing that evil!
Hagrid: *looks ashamed* I have a problem.
Dumbledore: We all have problems Hagrid, but it is what we say that sounds profound that truly displays who we are.
Harry: Professor Dumbledore, I've been meaning to ask you something. What happened to all those characters intoduced in the last ten chapters who haven't been mentioned since? Is what i'm saying part of some foreshadowing so the authors can claim they've planned this through? How many days has it been since I last cleaned my teeth?
Dumbledore: Of course you can Harry, just bring it back in one piece. Hello Sirius!
Sirius: Goodday Professor!
Kizz: <something random and not well thought out>
Crabbe: What was the point of adding that?
Oblansk: It might be important to some kind of hidden message.
Rosier: I thought I was dead...
Mulciber: You are, but you still seem to have a speaking part.
Sirius: What is going on here?
Ingolfr the Iambic: Methinks this mad is, nuts haveth more sense.
Nott: Oh, and that's helpful...
Avery: Is it?
Travers: No Avery, he was being sarcastic.
Avery: Sar-cas-tic?
Snape: I'll get you Harry Potter.
Hagrid: 'Cors it's a hidden message. I shouldn't 'av said that.

Meanwhile in another part of town...

Draco: Come on Hermione! No one will know!
Hermione: I highly doubt that statement. Look!
Colin: Rats! I've been spotted.
Hermione: So why have you taken me to this very romantic place to discuss potion ingredients?
Draco: I thought you would have worked that out.
Hermione: Oh!
Draco: That's right.
Snape: Aha! I'm interupting a possibly romantic moment.
Hermione: But why professor?
Snape: Because of my tragic story of murder...

Screen dissolves to flashback style conventions: black and white, distortion and a weird echo on voices that doesn't really occur when you actually remember speech but is always included in movies

Snape: I was a wee lass...not a league in height nor a ton in weight...the scars will last until the stars fade to a black as soulless as this pale face before you. Back then I was known as Jack, the terror of Kilmersdon. One day I was sent to fetch a pail ofwater, but I fell down and broke my crown. It was lucky I had my wand so I could perform a healing charm, then up I got, and home did trot, as fast as I could caper. They put me to bed, and plasted my head...but as to Jill, she fell down the well...swept to the abyss of another dementia...the fall made me forget all the lyrics one of the authors had me saying...
Jill: Hello Jack.
Snape: Jill? b..b..but...you're dead...I killed you!
Jill: No Jack, I survived.
*there was a mad glint in Snape's eyes that Hermione had never seen before. He seemed beyond reason.*
Snape: Ah **** it! AVADA KEDAVRA!

*A blast of green light blazed through Hermione's eyelids, and Hermione heard something heavy fall to the ground beside her. Jill was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. She was dead.*

Later in the Dumbledore's office

Dumbledore: Could you read that letter back to me?
Magic Quill: And if you ever come near my goat again i'll...

*McGonagall burst into the room*

McGonagall: The water girl is dead Albus!
Dumbledore: That makes two deaths that I can remember.

FRUIT SCONES

2.5 cups of Flour, 2 tea spoons of Baking Powder, 1 tea spoon of Baking Soda, 1/2 tea spoon of salt, 1/2 a cup of sugar, 6 table spoons of cold butter (cut in small pieces), 1/2 a cup of plump raisins, 1 egg, 1 cup of plain yoghurt.

Preheat oven to 425F (220C). Sift flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt into a large bowl. Stir in sugar. With your fingers, rub in butter pieces until mixture is crumbly. Mix in raisins. Stir in egg and yogurt and blend well Turn out onto a floured surface. Roll out with a floured rolling pin to make a round about 1/2-inch thick. Cut in rounds with a 1 1/2 inch cutter. Place 1 to 1 1/2 inches apart on baking sheet; brush tops lightly with milk. Bake 10 to 12 minutes or until scones are well risen and golden.

McGonagall: It's a tragedy
Dumbledore: I'm not too bothered. He didn't have that big a part in it all, only had an annoying self absorbed god son, didn't shower in weeks - no chance of attracting a fine woman, he's better off dead.
McGonagall: Albus!
Dumbledore: No, really, if I only had a role like that I wouldn't want to go through the whole series, trust me. Now, Minerva, I want to thank you for having me over last night. Hagrid and I thought the goat was great.
McGonagall: We didn't have dinner last night...
Dumbledore: Of course...I was at home...Who is Hagrid?
McGonagall: Gosh Albus, what's happened to you?
Dumbledore: Now that's not fair, I'm not the one who looks like a shrunken hag!
McGonagall: You stay away from that Albus, that's the only look I can do.
Dumbledore: I'll take whatever role I want, my new beard band gives me more evil powers than you can imagine... so much more power than I ever thought possible.
McGonagall: Evil powers?
Dumbledore: Um... no... I said weevil powers. I'm thinking of becoming a weevil charmer.
Kit: Good cover, you almost gave away our top-secret plot twist there.
McGonagall: What secret plot twist?
Dumbledore: The one where I become a weevil charmer... it was pretty obvious, Minerva.
McGonagall: I knew that "Is Albus a Weevil Charmer?" thread on CoS had a good point!
Dumbledore: It just goes to show that over analysis of storylines does pay, after all.

*Meanwhile, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hagrid and all the other vaguely important characters that we may or may not need return to Hogwarts on... um... a flying motorcycle, borrowed from someone who may or may not have murdered Lily and James. And how can such a huge cast of characters fit onto one motorcycle? It's magic, silly. We thought you'd have guessed that by now.*

So, will Dumbledore ever fulfil his weevil-charming ambitions, or will he just become evil, at last, after 11 chapters of literacy foreplay? Meanwhile, will any of the main characters do anything important, or will the story continue with a general lack of sense? Find out in the next chapter, which will be leaked and released on Kazaa 5 days before it's officially posted here.

Edit: If you read this, click here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=15198&page=2&pp=30) and write how much we messed you up, on a scale of 1 - 4.28. It's only fair.

No refunds of sanity will be given. This does not affect your statuatory rights.