Mary Sue and Cal Pue

This is a new fanfic from me unsurprisingly. It's a bit of an experiment and shouldn't be taken too seriously because obviously I don't intend for it to be.

For those who don't know a 'Mary Sue' is considered to be the generic fanfic character who is seemingly wonderful at everything. Many of you will probably have written 'Mary Sue' fanfics in the past. I intend for this to be the ultimate 'Mary Sue' fic.

On the other hand we have 'Cal Pue' who is essentially a try hard 'Mary Sue', whereas Mary Sue is perfect at everything Cal Pue merely thinks he is.

Anyway I hope people find it mildly amusing and to their liking and also don't forget to provide feedback - good or bad :)

Please provide Feedback here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=2251881#post2251881) and don't be lazy and just read it and then forget to. I find it rude and to be honest I only update fanfics depending on the amount of feedback I get so don't let me down :)

Mary Sue and Cal Pue

Part I

Mary Sue
Mary Sue was one of those rare people who were truly wonderful at everything and there weren’t a single person who disliked her. You know the type, stunning beautiful with an intoxicating personality, the type who ends up getting her male teachers fired for harassment. Basically if the author was being true to himself every character would hate her for being so wonderful but the author is deluded and immature and thus you are faced with a thoroughly unimaginative and boring character.

Young Mary Sue was about to start her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She was an exchange student from Fiji who had for no particular reason decided to come to Britain for the rest of her education, one suspects it has something to do with Fijian schools being far less interesting for fan fiction because of the lack of Harry Potter.

“Mary, have you packed your bags for school? We are running a good two hours ahead of schedule but I want to make sure,” said Mary’s mother Bobby at the bottom of the humongous staircase which sat in the middle of the Sue’s four story house in the country.

“I’ve packed them mother, I did so three months ago and I put them in the boot of the car last week,” came back the cheerful reply from Mary who not surprisingly was looking forward to the new year at Hogwarts where she would no doubt star at everything she attempted and be terribly modest about it.

Ten minutes later Mary and her parents Bobby and Bernard got in their car, which was a lovely proportioned limousine with a small swimming pool and a water bed. They’d left an hour and forty-five minutes early but as Mary’s father Bernard had said “It’s better to be early than it is late,” and who could logically argue with that?

They arrived an hour before the train was to leave even though the trip should’ve taken at least an hour and a half. They’d received particularly good traffic and didn’t have to stop at a single red light.

Nobody had arrived at platform nine and three quarters yet but ever so slowly students came through the enchanted barrier and many of them chatted with Mary who was looking all sickly sweet in her uniform.

“Hello,” said a short, messy, boy wearing large and graceless glasses.

“Hello,” replied Mary without a hint of shyness, “I’m guessing you’d be Harry Potter.”

“And you’d be correct,” replied Harry nervously before he stumbled backwards when he realised he’d been staring at her chest. Mary helped him up and dusted him off and the two of them chatted for a little longer. Within thirty seconds the two of them were firm friends, which isn’t surprising when you have such a wonderful personality like Mary Sue.


Cal Pue
Cal Pue was a lovely young lad who was going into the seventh year at Hogwarts. He’d been home schooled for the first six years of his schooling but the decision was made by his father to send him to a proper school for his final year.

The Pue’s were a delusional family, from their perspective they were exactly like the Sue’s but in reality they were perhaps exact opposites. Cal was a student who thought he was utterly brilliant but for the most part was anything but.

Cal’s mother Bertrude had taught him everything he’d known and his report cards were shining examples of why parents shouldn’t teach their own children; sprinkled with Excellent’s that were thoroughly undeserved Hogwarts wasn’t sure whether he was really good enough for the seventh year or not.

Cal’s father Bob stumbled drunkenly up the three steps at the front of their small but nicely asymmetrical apartment.

“Hey kid, you got all ya stuff in the boot,” he barked loudly before falling with a thud.

“Sure dad, I got everything ready last week,” Cal replied eagerly. Cal sat around twiddling his thumbs for the next 15 minutes before coming to the conclusion that he’d actually only packed his un-needed toiletries which every reader knows are unnecessary in fan fiction.

Quickly and untidily he packed his real bag amidst his mother telling him to ‘get in the bloody car’ before he’d be forced to take the cow to the station. Cal hurried out of the house merely twenty minutes before the Hogwarts Express was due to leave and through his bag in the back of the truck before hopping in the station wagon.

The three of them made it to the station with a minute to spare. Cal kissed his mother goodbye and ducked for cover when his father farted.

”Where’s your bag boy?” asked his father after the smell had cleared.

”What?”

”Where’s your bag?”

“I put it on the truck,” said Cal defiantly.

“We drove in the station wagon dear,” replied his mother.

“Bugger!”

“Oh well we didn’t have time to put your bags on the train anyway. Now get going!” barked his father shoving Cal through the barrier where he was met by several hundred students all chatting amongst themselves excitedly.

“ALL ABOARD!” came the voice of the train conductor and hundreds of students scrambled into their respective carriages with the school year ahead of them.

Part II

Mary Sue
Mary Sue and her new friend Harry scrambled into a carriage which was unoccupied.

“You know I should’ve found Hermione and Ron before we got on but to be honest I think you’re a far better friend than they ever were,” said Harry, a small amount of drool rolling down his chin.

“You know if I wasn’t so disturbed that you seem to spend all your time staring at my nice girly bits I’d blush,” said Mary politely with a giggle. Harry began to go very red but he was saved from further embarrassment by the entrance of Ron and Hermione in all their Prefecty glory.

“Hello Harry,” said Hermione cheerfully.

“Hello sexy,” said Ron, with a look on his face that could possibly mean that he was trying to be charming but came across as the ultimate sleaze bag.

“RON!” blurted out Hermione, “That’s no way to talk to a lady.”

“Oh that’s alright, it’s unfair to expect a male to not follow their primitive male instincts,” replied Mary with a giggle.

“That’s right I’m just a male, I can’t be held responsible for how I act,” blurted out Ron.

In a matter of minutes the four of them were chatting like life long buddies. Of course in a story written by a competent writer Hermione would be plotting Mary’s yucky demise for attempting to steal her two boys but alas that’s not the case. The four talked about Mary’s hair and her family history and her super trendy clothes.

“Did you know I was a Prefect?” asked Ron suddenly.

“Yeah you’ve told me three times already, plus you’re wearing your Prefect’s badge, plus you’re wearing a smug look which says “Take me to dinner I’m important”,” replied Mary.

“You caught on to that too I see,” said Ron with a chuckle.

The train continued along its merry way and it wasn’t long before the woman with the food cart came by.

“My shout, I’ve got plenty of galleons,” said Harry quickly darting to the door.

“Oh no Harry you don’t have to do that. My mother gave me several thousand galleons to spend over the next week or so. So it’s only fair that it’s my shout,” said Mary and she bought what was practically the entire cart. They pigged out on the sweets for a good thirty minutes before everyone bar Mary were feeling thoroughly sick.

“So who’s the sexy new girl?” came a drawling voice that came through the doorway.

“MALFOY! What are you doing here?” snapped back Harry angrily.

“Well typically every year I make a visit to you whilst you’re on the Hogwarts Express and say something thoroughly witty. Often I’ll make sure that you know that I know something that you don’t know because my Dad is important, alas he’s now a criminal and I’m out of the loop,” replied Malfoy vindictively.

“Shut up Malfoy,” shot back Ron angrily, “I have a lifelong dislike of you and to show it I’m going to cast an ill-prepared spell at you.” Ron performs a shoddy spell which hit’s the wall and bounces off.

“You suck Weasley and your family is poor … oh and you smell funny,” said Malfoy with a look which said “I’m a witty little bugger” which was a look he didn’t particularly deserve to have.

“I don’t like you although no doubt at some stage your witty comments and sexy body will cause us to get in a sticky situation,” said Mary suddenly.

“STUPEFY!”

Mary’s spell hit Malfoy and threw him through the wall opposite to them and he hit the train tracks below. As the train sped on to it’s eventual destination Malfoy could be seen shaking his fists.

“I’ll get you intriguing and sexy new girl if it’s the last thing I do!”


Cal Pue
Cal Pue got onto the train quickly and looked for a carriage to sit down in unfortunately he was having little luck. Every carriage seemed to have individuals in it who a) didn’t get how desirable and witty he was, or b) thought he smelt funny.

“Hey how you doing hunnybuns?” said Cal as he ventured into one cabin.

“Um … like hello, I’m a first year you dirty perv,” said one of the young – very young – ladies in the cabin and they chased him down the hallway hitting him with their broomsticks.

Cal carried on his search with little or no success, apparently the people of Hogwarts liked to be treated with a little respect and Cal didn’t seem capable of such feats. Finally he found his way into a carriage with the rather strange Luna Lovegood, who was sitting with Ginny Weasley.

“Er – I’m a new student and well I was wondering whether I could crash here for the journey,” said Cal with a tentativeness which was definitely unusual to say the least. Ginny and Luna were two nice young girls and didn’t have the heart to tell Cal that they preferred it if he didn’t ‘crash’ with them, plus Ginny hadn’t had a boyfriend for at least three days so she was secretly hopeful.

“Well girls what are your names?” he asked them as he sat down with his legs spread somewhat too far for most people’s liking.

“I’m Ginny and this is my friend Luna, most people think that I’m a little quiet and she’s a little weird but in reality that’s wrong,” said Ginny in a friendly manner.

“Ok, well seeing as we’re friends now –” began Cal.

“Oh we’re not friends yet, we don’t even know each other very well,” said Luna wisely which is something that most fan fiction characters show little of. Typically the characters would be making out in a closet by now or Cal would’ve inspirationally saved the world (you’ll have to wait for the next update for that).

“Oh but we will be, I’m finding you girls hot so I’ll befriend you and try to seduce you at a later date,” replied Cal smugly. The two girls looked at him and shook their heads; they couldn’t believe he was hitting on them already.

“You know, we don’t even know what your name is yet,” said Ginny.

“My name is Cal, I’ve been home schooled for the greater part of my schooling,” replied Cal quickly.

“Your names Cal? Is that short for something?” asked Luna in an airy-fairy manner which was typical of the character.

“It’s short for Callam, the author named me after himself and made me the hero of the story, he has a large ego unfortunately,” said Cal.

Suddenly the train stopped and Cal could hear individuals coming on board.

“Duck under the chairs boys and girls, I’m going to save the day,” said Cal as he ran out of the door and tripped over his shoelaces.

Part III:

Mary Sue
“Wow! Mary you are like the most powerful witch I’ve ever seen,” exclaimed Ron excitedly. In a standard story Hermione would’ve scowled in a poor attempt to look like some horrible beast and mentally stabbed Mary with her wand however the writer has no ability to write true to life situation so you’re stuck with this.

“Oh … I like soooo agree Ron, Mary you are amazing. Me and you should perhaps – if you could put up with my incompetence – do some spells when we’re at school,” said Hermione.

“Of course, I’d love to. I’m sure my timetable will be pretty full seeing as I’ll be doing every cool thing that Hogwarts has to offer but I’ll definitely take some time out of my ridiculously busy schedule to teach you a thing or two,” replied Mary cheerfully.

Mary was thoroughly enjoying the company of Harry, Ron and Hermione who she thought were utterly delightful and would prove to be excellent friends. Of course in Mary’s case she wouldn’t have been too concerned if she hadn’t become friends with them because with her personality, mysterious charm and looks she’d make friend with plenty others.

Suddenly the train began to slow down and people began to look down the carriage to find out who or what it might be.

“It looks like a werewolf,” said Ron, “Or a house!”

“Oh please Ron, it’s not a house – could be a dementor though,” replied Hermione cuttingly.

“Now, now Hermione you really shouldn’t be so mean to Ron, it’s not his fault that he’s ever so slightly intellectually challenged, he does his best and that should be good enough for you,” said Mary with wisdom beyond her tender years.

“Yes you are very much correct Mary – as usual. Sorry Ron, I hope you can forgive me from being such a very, very bad person.”

“Hmm … I can’t see anything outside, it’s far too dark,” said Harry, straining his eyes to see outside.

“It’s Lord Voldemort,” said Mary.

“WHAT!” shouted Hermione and Harry at approximately the same time, Ron merely jumped and smashed his head against the window.

“How can you be sure?” asked Harry quickly, once again straining to see outside.

“Oh I just know,” replied Mary smartly.

“You just know?” asked Hermione.

“Yes.”

“But how?” said Harry.

“Hmm … intriguing question, I guess ultimately it’s just bad writing. The author needs something cool to happen and doesn’t know how to get there so his apparently perfect character gets them there through some undeveloped plot telling. It’s probably best if you just don’t question my motives from here on in,” said Mary. The others were amazed by her little speech which wasn’t surprising because she did deliver it rather brilliantly and displays some amazing poise in the face of little danger.

“Ok will do,” replied the trio with little consideration, apparently Mary’s speech had convinced them to the fact that she should never be questioned because the writer’s a git.

“So um … what do we do?” asked Hermione nervously.

Cal Pue
“Bloody hell, I wish my parents had found a better place to buy my shoes than the used ‘clown shoe’ place,” lamented Cal as he picked himself up off the floor looking slightly less confident and intimidating that five seconds earlier.

“Never mind, even though I’m a terribly clumsy git I shall save the day through mere luck and the tiniest amount of skill!”

The girls in the compartment looked at him and shook their heads, they doubted that there was even a reason to be concerned.

“It looks like a giant goat is coming aboard, I shall cut it off at the doorway and give it a quick kick up the bum and some goat treats for lunch,” shouted Cal to the wonderment of most of the Hogwarts Express where students were peering out of their compartments to see who the loony was.

Ginny and Luna darted out of their compartment and grabbed Cal by the robes.

“Hey, wat chu doin’ fool?” shouted Cal, using bad pop culture puns as he was brought back into the safety of the compartment.

“Look you stupid git, we don’t know you and quite frankly we find you to be a moron but strangely we find that we’ve become rather fond of you and would prefer it if you stayed alive until we actually got to school,” said Ginny.

“Speak for yourself, I’m more fond of syphilis,” blurted out Luna.

“Ok then, seeing as I’m all charming and what not I’m going to focus my attention on Ginny because I think I can have my way with her,” said Cal somewhat wisely, “Now I’ll be honest I like a girl who can tend to my needs, get me up in the morning, make my breakfast and if possible do my homework. If that suits you then I’m your man.”

Ginny rolled her eyes and started giggling which was to be expected seeing as this guy thought he was ‘all that’ when in reality he looked like fruit bat. He did however have something that intrigued her and that was how completely and utterly delusional he was, I suppose to an extent this made him rather charismatic even if he smelt like he hadn’t washed in a couple of months.

“So who do you think has stopped the train?” asked Luna who for some unknown reason – thank goodness – was picking her nose.

“It’s definitely a goat,” claimed Cal with unusual conviction for such a truly ridiculous claim. Ginny ran to the door and ran into it, coming to the wise conclusion that it’s best not to run at full pace in a very small area.

“OMG!” shouted Ginny using a much too overrated internet acronym, “It’s You-Know-Who.”

“WHAT!” shouted Ginny.

“That pounce, I’ll beat him with his own wand,” claimed Cal walking out of the compartment once again, this time not tripping over his own feet.

Part IV:
Mary Sue
“I’m inclined to say that we throw ourselves out of the train window,” said Ron wisely, which made the writer laugh because he noticed how humorously close that was to his last name.

“I like the idea Ron but I’m thinking that at some stage of jumping through a very thick glass window and landing on the metal tracks below we might just hurt ourselves,” said Hermione wisely, this time however the author didn’t find it humorous.

“I agree with Ron,” started Mary, “I think we should fight him!”

“You’re freaking insane!” shouted Hermione before finally coming to her senses, “Good idea, clearly you’ve thought this out.”

“So how are we going to do this?” asked Harry tentatively.

“Well I’ll be honest, based on all possible logic we’re screwed, we’d have no hope, we are goners BUT this isn’t about logic, this is as illogical as possible and that’s why it’ll work!” Mary shouted inspirationally.

This piece of mindless logic galvanised the troops and they became ready for the assault. Of course god knows why Voldemort would go directly to their compartment but to simplify things into a relatively short five-hundred word part it’ll have to do.

“I hear footsteps,” whispered Harry, who with the others had crouched behind the door so that they could launch a surprise attack on their invincible foe.
The door opened quietly and the trio plus one jumped out from behind the door.

“Stupefy!”

“Stupefy!”

“Eat slugs! Whoops that’s not really a spell is it?”

“Stupefy!”

Three very red spells and one very red faced boy came from the numerous shouts, of course for there to be tension in the story the spells failed to hit their target, although Ron still looks like a fool.

“I am Lord Voldemort,” said Lord Voldemort in what could at best be considered silly filler to enable non-Harry Potter readers to keep up with what promises to be a very, very complex story.

“Did you realise that if you’re very clever you can rearrange those words to form “Tom Marvolo Riddle”?” asked Mary.

“Yes – just don’t tell anyone else that,” replied Lord Voldemort angrily.

“We’ll do anything we **** well want to Voldie!” said Harry using a common and very poor shortening of the Lord Voldemort name – he really deserves better.

“Listen here you short and ugly little –“began Lord Voldemort before Mary delightfully butted in.

“Now, now boys, let’s no there shall we? Why don’t we all have some cake and cookies and sort our problems out like nice people?”

So remarkably and against all previous knowledge Lord Voldemort and the trio plus one sat down and had cookies and cake.

“This is a delightful chocolate cake, did you make it Mary Sue?” asked Lord Voldemort in an unusually polite voice.

“No I didn’t but you’d thing so wouldn’t you?” replied Mary Sue, her and Lord Voldemort had remarkably became good friends. Unfortunately you couldn’t say the same for the other three – Harry had his wand held tightly ready for anything, Hermione was shaking uncontrollably and Ron had made a small mess beneath his seat.

Suddenly without warning a young student came crashing through the doorway.

“Hands up you scoundrel, you’ve met your match,” he yelled.

Cal Pue
Cal was now in the hallway with the intension of finding the evil git which had wrecked his previously delightful train ride. Room by room Cal searched, charging in on a whim and typically get kicked out just as fast.

Finally he became quite tired of the ordeal, here he was doing the right thing by his fellow students and no one was helping him. He really was beginning to wish he’d actually paid attention to where the noises were coming from and not just barge into random rooms trying to be the hero. But what’s done is done and he’d keep with the random barging for now.

Finally he charged into a room with two very stupid looking boys taking photos of themselves.

“Hey! You better not be doing anything bad with that there camera,” shouted Cal unintelligently.

“Yo, you don’t wanna deal with us dawg!” replied the weird little man with the camera – in what was obviously a poor attempt at street slang – as the equally weird but slightly smaller boy looked on.

“That’s some high quality street slang you got going for ya dude,” said Cal in what was quite possibly an even poorer attempt at the overrated art that is street slang, “So who are you guys?”

“I’m Colin and this is my brother Dennis Crevey,” replied the older weird little man.

“So what do you need the camera for?” asked Cal inquisitorially.

“We take photos of famous people,” said Dennis.

“So shall I stand here or over here,” said Cal seriously. The two weird little boys stood confused.

“WHAT?”

“You’d want to take photos of me, right?” replied Cal with an impressive roll of the eyes.

“Err – who the hell are you?” said Colin.

“You don’t know? I thought they would’ve given out fliers or something,” replied Cal, “Oh well, my name is Cal, you’ll soon be referring to me as God. Nice to meet you.”

The boys were not surprisingly taken aback by the audacity of this new student who clearly thought the sun shone out his bottom.

“Well I’d love to stay and entertain you with my presence but I must save the train from an evil menace,” said Cal and with that he ran straight out of the door and went back to randomly barging through doors.

Finally after a good three or four minutes searching he came to a door which he hadn’t smashed to pieces yet. Gathering up all his courage – which took all of two or three seconds – he charged shoulder first through the door and into a compartment occupied by a total of five individuals. Getting to his feet he shouted.

“Hands up you scoundrel, you’ve met your match.”

Part V:
Everyone was somewhat startled by this except for Lord Voldemort who took another bite of the delicious chocolate cake.

“This is such a scrumptious piece of cake – I think I’ll make you an honouree Death Eater Mary Sue,” said Lord Voldemort with a mouth full of cake. In the process he managed to spit all over Cal Pue who was attempting his most intimidating stance which involved him standing with his legs far apart with a scowl on his face.

“You think you can just spit on me like that? Do you know who I am?” said Cal Pue in his most intimidating voice which sounded very much like Dirty Harry.

“Do you feel lucky punk?” he added in a strange afterthought.

“Well lets see … I’m sitting in a Hogwarts Express carriage, where only a little git like you has tried to save everyone so yeah I’m feeling lucky,” replied Lord Voldemort, with more cake being spread across Cal’s face. The author had suddenly realised due to his incompetence that he hadn’t explained how Lord Voldemort could sit down and have cake when nearly everyone saw him board the train.

“Look here boys …” began Mary Sue.

“Shut up you stupid girl!” shouted back Lord Voldemort. Tears surged up in Mary’s eyes and she began to cry in such a way that soon they were covered in several inches of water.

“Oh there, there Mary. I didn’t mean it. I’m just old and going through a bit of a mid-life crisis. It makes me a bit mean from time to time and explains why I want to kill everyone,” said Lord Voldemort in a way that calmed Mary instantly. It also served as a disturbing way for the author to make out that Lord Voldemort was just a misunderstood character who would eventually become good – in other words final proof the writer’s a git.

“I’m sorry it’s just that I don’t want any fights in my carriage,” said Mary.

“But it’s Lord Voldemort – he killed my parents and hates people. Oh and he smells funny. We need to rid ourselves of him,” replied Harry.

“I’ve got to agree with Harry,” said Hermione and Ron together – silly people would cite this as evidence of them getting together later in the story.

“I say KILL HIM!” burst out Cal to various cheers from outside the carriage. One girl was heard to say “Isn’t he just dreamy?”

“I’m thinking this new kid isn’t the git he potentially could’ve been,” said Harry wisely.

“I’m thinking that Harry’s right again,” said Ron and Hermione together – further citation for the insane society.

The author suddenly realised that he had a problem, Mary Sue was being disagreed with and it would be difficult to have her come up with something that could realistically get everyone illogically in love with her again. Something drastic had to happen …

“Oh bugger, I left the iron on …” said Lord Voldemort and disapparated.

“That was um … unusual,” said Harry flippantly.

The group of five just stood there for a second or two. Cal was busy washing Lord Voldemort’s chocolate cake off his face and Mary Sue had somehow obtained a bucket and had started scooping her flood of tears out the window.

“By the way I’m Cal,” began Cal Pue with his cheesiest smile, “You don’t have to thank me for saving your life right away.”

This was quite the introduction and whilst Mary could’ve said “I eat babies,” in her introduction and be worshipped this wasn’t the case for the chocolate cake dripping Cal.

“I hope you don’t lose any sleep waiting,” said Harry mundanely. The very fact was that Harry and the others had no idea what he was talking about, after all Lord Voldemort had for no apparent reason just disappeared and let them live.

“Anyway it’s a pleasure to meet you all. I’m sure the feeling is mutual,” said Cal, “– and I’ll meet you in the janitors closet one day,” he added pointing to Mary. With that he left the room – possibly to do more interesting things like annoying Ginny Weasley.

Part VI:
Mary Sue
Mary Sue was slightly taken back from being ever so slightly upstaged by the rampaging Cal Pue but slowly she was regaining her old swagger.

“Does my bum look big in this?” Mary Sue asked the two boys whilst parading her gluteus maximus in front of their faces. She gave then a few seconds to think things over – or alternatively pass out from the smell before adding “Of course it doesn’t, what a silly question.”

Mary Sue sat down next to Hermione and the two girls spoke quietly for a few minutes. Ron meanwhile tried to subtly check out her bottom again just to make sure it didn’t look big in what she was wearing.

“That was rather strange Voldemort just turning up like that, don’t you think?” said Harry in an odd moment of seriousness.

“Holy ****!” screamed Ron jumping three feet in the air, “Don’t say his name ever again!”

“Ron, you’ve asked us that how many times so far?” said Hermione exquisitely.

Ron pondered for a moment about how Hermione could say what she said in an exquisite manner and then replied “Including the series, fanfiction, movies and people just pretending to be me, about five-hundred and twenty.”

“I thought so, well actually I could only remember five-hundred and nineteen times but then I remembered that time in the basement at your parent’s house with the candlelight dinner,” said Hermione. Shippers worldwide either groaned with delight or anger at what was just said.

“Yeah, I was a bit silly trying to kill you with that candlestick,” added Ron. Shippers worldwide either groaned with delight or anger at what was just said.

“Why would you try and kill Hermione? She seems like such a nice and beautiful girl,” asked Mary Sue seriously. Hermione looked at her queerly.

“Just going through my evil stage, we’ll all go through it at some stage I thought it was better to get it over and done with now before things actually become important,” said Ron.

The author suddenly realised that the story had stagnated but what with the boring characters and little to no plot it wasn’t at all surprising. He decided it was important that something happen, anything really to spice things up – although of course in a family-friendly non-offending or indeed threatening way.

Ahh … look! They’ve arrived at Hogwarts … finally.

Cal Pue
Cal Pue left the compartment that Harry, Ron, Hermione and the oh-so-hot-it-hurts Mary Sue were situated and headed back to his own compartment that he shared with Ginny and Luna. Looking back he felt he was in with a shot with both of them but they weren’t as hot as Mary Sue and lets face it only the best would do for Cal Pue.
He opened the door of his compartment and went inside. Ginny and Luna were sitting indolently, both of them reading an edition of “The Quibbler”.

“There’s no need to fear girls, I’ve saved you, I’ve saved the train and I’ve saved all of humanity,” said Cal Pue. The two girls merely stared back at him and smiled.

“It was pretty tough I have to admit, there was a stare down, an epic battle, a part where I seemed to be defeated, another part where I managed to come back when all looked lost and the final part where against all odds I came back to be victorious. It was like the Karate Kids with magic, or at least the Mighty Ducks”.

Ginny barely listened to any of this and nobody – not even the author – could really blame her. However, Luna was busy writing notes down, informing Cal that he would find himself in the next edition of “The Quibbler”

“Is it a quality magazine?” asked Cal, “because this mug doesn’t deserve to be on the cover of any second rate gossip rag”

“Oh … it’s definitely good” replied Ginny, before adding in an undertone “If laughably untrue stories are your thing”.

“Well thank you Cal, my father will love this story and I’m sure you’ll find your way in the magazine next month as long as that story about the possible new Dark Lord by the name Shankle Von Dogman doesn’t come up,” replied Luna.

“He wouldn’t want to come up, ‘cos I’ve got his number and I’ll take him down,” said Cal, with his chest bulging forwards in what is assumed to be a manly stance but only served to show off his teen puppy fat.

“You have his number? Could you write it down for me because my dad’s been trying to get a hold of him for a while now and he’s not answering his messages,” said Luna as Ginny groaned.

“Oh look! We’ve arrived!” shouted Ginny and everything gave a sigh of relief. Thank goodness the stupidity was over.

Part VII:
The kids made their way out of the carriage and towards the horseless carriages, which were not really horseless as many of the children knew. As they approached the carriages they saw Hagrid who cheerfully waved at them. Physically he was looking a lot better than they remembered him the previous year; obviously his brother had started to treat him a little better than you should treat your older brother.

“Harry, Hermione, Ron! How ya doin’?” shouted Hagrid as the big bloke made his way through the crowd. “Were ya holidays good?”

“As you already know Hagrid I didn’t spend a whole lot of time with the Dursley’s so I really cannot complain,” said Harry with a grin before adding, “Hagrid, this is M-”

“Mary Sue!” said Hagrid loudly patting the oh-so-gorgeous-and-talented Mary Sue on the head, “Dumbledore sent us all a memo”.

At his Hermione looked at Hagrid strangely although she couldn’t quite place why. The readers of the story suddenly come to life as they realise for the first time there might be something in the way of plot going on in this story. The author would like to think you don’t get your hopes up too high because if he was a master at plotting he wouldn’t have a “Mary Sue” as the main character.

“Anyway,” Hagrid began “Mary Sue and this interesting looking kid here –” Hagrid motioned to Cal Pue “- are to come with me on the boats as it’s there first year here.”

“But I might get my robes wet,” pondered Mary Sue.

“Don’t worry Mary, I’m sure you’ll be just as wonderful in the boats as you are with everything else,” said Ron reassuringly.

Cal and Mary followed behind Hagrid. Cal had to almost jog to keep up but Mary followed him with a kind of loping grace which seemed out of place with the oversized Hagrid and the clumsy Cal Pue.

“All aboard” shouted Hagrid and a bunch of tiny first years and the extremely out of place Cal and Mary boarded the tiny boats. There appears to be a good reason why until now Hogwarts had never taken in students above their first year because the boats turned out to be very, very small and Cal and Mary who found themselves in the same boat because the tiny first years were scared of them – except for the few boys who whistled at Mary and the handful of girls who stated that Cal needed to have a shower as soon as he reached the castle – discovered that they practically had to lay on top of each other to fit in. All over the world the handful of Mary/Cal shippers go crazy.

The author saw the possibility for character development with his two main characters in the same area at the same time. However, he decided against character development because it’s boring. Instead he’ll just have the two characters act rather silly and in an extremely unrealistic way.

“I was quite impressed by your handling of Lord Voldemort,” said Mary tentatively for she felt no such thing.

Cal Pue realised that Mary Sue felt no such thing and quickly reminded her of this fact, “Mary you feel no such thing.”

Mary Sue wasn’t used to people questioning her and she was truly taken back, how did he know that she wasn’t telling the truth? It disturbed her and brought forward a heap of questions – none of which will be conveniently answered right now.

The boat ride went more smoothly from that point on, the two heroes of this story talked about their past, there future aspirations and a range of otherwise boring things. As such I figured I would save you the pain of reading it given that you’ve already experienced enough pain reading this so far sub-par story.

Mary Sue, Cal Pue and the otherwise irrelevant first years arrived at Hogwarts and made their way up to the Great Hall. The school of course is extremely impressive and the first years were indeed highly impressed, which they should’ve been of course as the school is extremely impressive.

“Wow, that’s an impressive school” one first year could be heard saying.

“Obviously compensating for something” another was heard to mutter.

One thing was clear though Cal Pue, Mary Sue were in for a big year at Hogwarts – the big question was whether the author was good enough to tell that story or merely have everyone drool over Mary Sue for a hundred thousand words or so.

Incase you were worried Mary Sue’s robes were not wet, Cal Pue on the other hand looked like he’d wet his pants.