The Marauders: The Screwed Up Edition

Another repost of mine because it went missing.

Here is The Marauders as you've never seen them before. Hopefully you'll find it as much fun as I found it to write.

Enjoy :)

Post feedback here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=13818) :)


The Marauders: The Screwed Up Edition

WARNING:
• The author’s sources are somewhat unreliable.
• In fact you could argue that the author used no sources what-so-ever.
• This story doesn’t include any Harry/Draco romance.
• Nor does it include Harry Potter at all.
• Some of the characters in this story are made up.
• Some of the characters have been screwed over – badly.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were the best of friends. The very best of friends. In fact there hadn’t been better friends since Bob and his best friend Knob got illegally married because they didn’t want to leave each others side – that however is another story, which I have no intention of writing.

James was the cool one, if you stalked him for awhile you’d almost always hear him say “I’m Potter, James Potter”, “I’ll have my cordial shaken and not stirred” and finally if you stalked him constantly for a week you might even hear him mutter “I’m James Potter and I’m supercool”. It would be easy to look at James and think that he is simply an egotistical idiot and to an extent you’d probably be correct but on occasions James was telling the truth, his name really was James Potter and he hated his cordial stirred, some of his more mindless followers even thought he was ‘supercool’. James was also very good at Quidditch, he was a chaser and it was a role he played on and off the field. When he wasn’t chasing the quaffle around the pitch he was chasing poor Lily Evans.

Sirius was the good looking one – not according to me but according to most of the women and a few of the guys at Hogwarts. He was James’ right hand man and the two never missed a chance to create trouble. In his spare time he was taught Ballet by Professor McGonagall, who was a talented ballerina back in the day. This was something that he never told his friends, not even James. For some reason he was embarrassed because he was able to dance like a swan when they could only dance like donkeys.

Remus was the group’s book worm, he loved looking through complex spell books but this wasn’t the reason he was renowned as a book worm. As he got older his tastes changed dramatically and now instead of reading complex spell books he was reading dirty magazines. It was a habit that almost leads to him staying down in his sixth year. Remus was also a werewolf and spent one day a month in a small room below the Shrieking Shack. Of course this was the romantic place he took all the women he picked up from the sixth year on. As smart as the poor man was he just didn’t have the charm to keep a girlfriend – apparently they were not impressed by the scenery of the Shrieking Shack. James claimed they were just snobs, how could you not like the ripped up furniture and werewolf droppings that was all over the floor?

Rounding out the group was Peter. To quote James Potter he was a “stupid git”, to quote Sirius he was destined to be “thrown in the ocean so he can’t annoy people anymore” and finally to quote Remus “if he wasn’t so tiny I would’ve eaten him already.” Strictly speaking Peter wasn’t well liked by the rest of them but they kept him in the group because he knew too many of their secrets and if they got into the public forum their reputations of being ‘supercool’ would be ruined.

Together they called themselves THE FOUR MORONS!

The greasy git Severus Snape was “The Four Moron’s” arch enemy. He was actually the one who termed the foursome “The Four Moron’s” for the first time; it was an achievement that he was very proud of. Unfortunately for Snape, in retaliation for creating a humorous nickname “The Four Moron’s” decided it would be in his best interests if he was used for target practice. Snape spent a lot of time in the hospital wing, sometimes with eyes growing out of his stomach, other times with a head that looked like a goldfish and on one very unfortunate occasion he appeared with a bottom that flashed in every colour of the rainbow ‘I am Snivellus Snape, I wear pink underwear”.

Lily Evans was James’s love interest. He absolutely adored her which was funny because she was nothing like him – he had a massive ego; she was quiet – he was a pureblood; she was a muggle-born – and he liked watching Quidditch players fall from their brooms; she liked short walks on the beach. It was no surprise that Lily didn’t like James, although James had yet to take the hint. In fact Lily found herself attracted to the striking Sirius Black; she was impressed by his little known feminine side.

Snape had one friend at Hogwarts and his name was Captain Bobbletonks. He was Severus’s imaginary friend and kept him company on many a cold night. The existence – or lack of – was the main reason Snape was teased. People like James thought it was funny that nobody could see Severus’s only friend but in hindsight Captain Bobbletonks made for a much better friend than Peter Pettigrew. The two enjoyed fishing by the lake and privately chatting about girls they liked. When Severus was four people noticed him constantly talking to himself and he was locked in a psychiatric ward for a two year period, this perhaps explains his slightly undesirable demeanour.

Then of course we have the teachers. Some were quite competent, others were utterly insane and a small percentage had no idea what they were doing. It wasn’t there fault though because the headmaster Professor Dumbledore had gained entry to the hippy scene and no longer cared for anything but sex, drugs and rock and roll. It made for an interesting change but a generation of wizards received a very poor education. Most interesting was Professor Mockly-Brinks, a former member of the army who made the students do push-ups if they got any questions wrong. He was a truly awful teacher but his teaching led to James getting one hell of a six-pack.

This story joins the four marauders (as they referred to themselves) and the four morons (as they were referred to by anyone with a little sense) in their fifth year. It was an important year for all of them because they were doing their OWLs – but this didn’t stop them from getting into all sorts of trouble involving port-keys, the Slytherin Common Room and a pair of underpants. And let’s not forget the time where two hungry goats apparently ate Captain Bobbletonks, although no-one saw it happen. So sit back and enjoy this exciting time for our four morons as they struggle with adolescence and romance, stupid teachers and equally stupid students; and an ego that could squash everything within its path.

James, Sirius and Peter stepped off the Hogwarts Express – or more correctly speaking James and Sirius stepped off, Peter tumbled down the steps and fell into a large puddle before being trampled on by crazy first years who were trying to get to Hagrid.

“You alright Peter?” asked Hagrid.

“Oh yeah he’s just fine, it’s only a mild concussion,” replied James, in only a few hours time he would realise he was never going to be a doctor. Peter was completely knocked out and spent the next three days in a coma.

“Can you see Moony?” asked Sirius.

“Oh he’s with the Prefects remember?”

Lupin was off walking with the Prefect, he didn’t particularly want to be there but he had no choice. James and Sirius were a lot more fun and Peter was well…there; and anyway James and Sirius got all the attention from the girls and Lupin enjoyed the attention he got from being associated with them. The Prefects were a strange lot, there was Bobby Loganitsiville a strange lad from Ravenclaw with a head size comparable with that of an elephant. He had a little trouble fitting in the horse-less carriage. Then there was the Slytherin Prefects and what a alarming twosome they were Horno McHorn was a strapping bloke and Slytherin Quidditch captain – he somewhat resembled a troll gone incredibly wrong; Shelly Goonybob was an ugly pig faced girl with too much underarm hair which she proudly displayed regularly at dinner time – apparently for religious reasons. The other Gryffindor Prefect was Thomas McHuge a massive lad standing at least ten foot tall, he was so big he’d never actually been in the Gryffindor Common Room because he couldn’t fit through the walk way. Remus wondered how he actually became a Prefect.

James and Sirius had crept ever closer to Severus Snape, who seemed to be having a rather heated conversation with his best friend. About a hundred metres away Peeves the Poltergeist was dragging the unconscious Pettigrew towards the lake, with a loud plop he fell in. James and Sirius were now only metres away from Snape and could clearly hear everything he was saying.

“Captain, I can’t believe I wasn’t made a Prefect. I reckon that Dumbledore’s got it in for me. What do you reckon Bobbletonks?” Snape turned his head to his side as if listening. “Oh you agree? I’m not surprised; I think he dislikes you as well. Keeps telling me you don’t exist…bah…he just doesn’t want me to be happy!” Sirius and James s******ed to themselves; it appeared they were going to get plenty of mileage out of Snape and his imaginary friend Captain Bobbletonks.

“Hey Captain, how’s it hanging?” asked Sirius as he through his arm over what appeared to be an imaginary person “Old Snivellus been treating you well? Been getting plenty of food? A woman or two?”

“What’s that Capt? No? Has old Snivellus been treating you poorly? We can’t have this,” said James slyly.

“No, get away leave me and my friend alone, I’ll…I’ll report you!” replied Severus angrily.

“Why don’t you just do that?”

“Come on Captain lets go hang out in the kitchen,” said Sirius as he and James trotted off, Sirius’ arm still hanging over the imaginary person. Scattered laughter could be heard from the surrounding crowd. Severus was left to suffer not so quietly.

“COME BACK CAPTAIN BOBBLETONK’S COME BACK!!! I’ll get you morons if it’s the last thing I do!”

Not long after that James and Sirius finally caught up with Remus, who had managed to get away from the strange and rather disturbing Prefects. He was looking a little flustered so they told him all about Snape and Captain Bobbletonks. The three of them stood laughing loudly for several minutes; none of them seemed to worry about where Peter was. Luckily for Peter he’d be helped out of the lake by the great big squid who spat him onto the oval within reach of the Whomping Willow. The poor git was still unconscious as the massive tree belted him around and threw him into the air; it had been a particularly ordinary start of term for him quite possible on par with his third year where he was eaten by Aragog in the Forbidden Forest. If Aragog hadn’t developed an eating disorder he might never have seen the light of day again.

Back in the Great Hall and everyone was seated as Professor McGonagall brought in the Sorting Hat, almost at once it jumped up and burst into song but unlike previous years this years rhyme was particularly ordinary.

Hello, I’m the Sorting Hat,
And I don’t give a ****,
So shut up, sit down, quick flat
And I might just do my bit,

Gryffindor’s are loonies; they’ll run in front of trains,
All in the name of braveness, I say use your brains,
Ravenclaw’s are clever; I say check their IQ,
If they are so bloody smart you’d think they’d flush the loo,
Hufflepuff’s are useless; there is no other word,
Simple things amuse simple minds, their amused by birds,
Slytherin’s are evil, I’d bet my bottom dollar,
Kick them all out I say, or dangle rope around their collars.

Before you are sorted, you might want to run away,
You’re completely stuffed once I’ve had my say,
And here we are again,
Creating this song was a big pain,
The end is near, you’re almost doomed,
Don’t worry it’ll be over soon.

There was scattered applaud at the Sorting Hat’s song even though it was somewhat ordinary. After the sorting and the grand feast that followed it Professor Dumbledore stood up to begin his start of year announcements.

“Sex, drugs and rock’n’roll!” shouted the Headmaster who was sporting a new haircut, some lovely silver dreadlocks. He sat back down again but stood back up again after several rather aggressive elbows from Professor McGonagall.

“Ok, apparently that wasn’t an adequate speech. This year will be very important because every year is important. Stuff will happen and sometimes it’ll be bad stuff. I must remind you that there’s some particularly good surf down in Hawaii at the moment so I’ll be leaving the school tonight for a few weeks. If that’s good enough I think I’ll leave you and go have my nap.”

With that Dumbledore marched out of the Great Hall, leaving everyone a little bit surprised. After a few uninteresting words from McGonagall they were dismissed and wandered up towards their Common Room. They received the password from Lupin (It was ‘I’m not a werewolf’) and it wasn’t long before they were yawning at their bedside. Quickly chucking on their stuff and not realising that Peter still hadn’t made it back to the school they jumped into bed.

James’ last words before dosing off to sleep were, “In the morning you and Remus are to help me formulate a grand plan to help me make Lily my girlfriend.” To which Sirius replied with a grunt that sounded as if it came from a strangled pig.

The three of them woke early the next morning and true to his word James set about formulating a plan to make Lily his girlfriend. They went through a few types of plans, each one progressively more ridiculous than the last, they decided to stop when Sirius suggested they paint ‘I love you Lily, from James” on the back on Snape’s head and inform him that Captain Bobbletonks was up in the girls dormitories making out with her. There was no doubt that it would be successful and very funny but they decided against it. In the end they gave up on the idea until Peter came back from the hospital wing a week later, it was only meant to be a three day stay but unfortunately he’d fallen off his bed during the night and rolled down the staircase, eventually getting all his hair pecked out by a stray owl who was wreaking havoc throughout the school.

Peter amazed the other three on his arrival back to the Gryffindor common room with the idea that they form a band and sing a romantic song to Lily on the girl’s dormitory steps.

“What an idea!” exclaimed James “I hadn’t even thought about asking you, I thought it would be a waste of our time!”

“Well usually it would’ve but when I hit my head whilst rolling down the stairs it must have knocked the sense back into me,” replied Peter, as he said this he went underneath his bed to get a pair of socks and Sirius dropped down on to Peter’s bed and in a freak accident the bed collapsed on top of Peter. When Peter emerged from under the bed – after much screaming and little help from the others – he muttered “You know what, my underwear would look so much better on the outside of my pants.” The other three looked at each other and knew that the old – and very stupid Peter – was back.

Later that day they put the Peter’s brilliant plan into effect. They discussed a few things and James was pleasantly surprised about Sirius’s ability to choreograph dance moves, although he wouldn’t say how he became so good. Then they picked the perfect song, James thought it’d blow Lily away and he wasn’t wrong. Finally they had to choose a name and get their instruments ready. They argued for over an hour about what the new band shall be called, suggestions ranged from “A Few Stupid Boys” to “*NAppropr8”. They finally settled on *NAppropr8 because they knew McGonagall would find it an inappropriate use of the English language. Finally they choose their instruments, Sirius was on guitar, Remus on drums, Peter was on the triangle and James was up front dancing and being the main singer, it was decided that the others would provide back ups.

Finally night arrived and the Marauder’s knew that Lily was about to come down into the common room any minute, they set everything up and there was about a crowd of about fifty watching with not much interest. Finally she came into the common room and James stepped forward, microphone in hand.

“Lily this song is for you. HIT IT BOYS!”

Suddenly there was a ton of noise as the boys got into it and then James starting singing.

I think I’m cute, I know I’m sexy,
I’ve got the looks, that drive the girls wild,
I’ve got the moves that really move ‘em,
I send chills up and down their spines,

I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy),
I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy {boy toy),

I make you hot, I make you shiver,
Your knees get weak, whenever I’m around,
You see me walk, you see me talk,
I make you feel like you’re on cloud 9,

I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy),
I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy),

Eat your hearts out girls, hands off the merchandise,
I’m all hers.

I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy),
I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy),
I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy),
I’m just a sexy boy (sexy boy), I’m not your boy toy (boy toy).

This brilliant singing was combined with some ridiculous dancing that progressively got ruder and which started with him trusting his body in Lily’s direction. The finale was Sirius smashing his guitar on Peter’s head as he played the final note. The crowd went into hysterics, everyone was impressed – everyone it seemed except for Lily, who burst into tears and ran from the room.

“I think she was impressed,” said James.

“I’m not so sure you’re right,” said Sirius.

“Of course I am; you saw her face she was crying tears of joy.”

Sirius could do little more than shrug his shoulders as a grinning James turned to the crowd and said “The names Potter, James Potter and we’ll be here until we’re kicked out.” It was then that James burst into a rendition of “I’m too sexy for my Quidditch robes.”

Two weeks later and everyone had settled down into their classes and familiar school fractions – James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were the cool ones, whilst poor Severus was a bit of a loner. Lily was the object of attraction and Captain Bobbletonks still didn’t exist. The cool people sat out near the lake, the cute girls were there too, whilst the rebels hid in the Forbidden Forest, the nerds in the Library and the strange ones chased goats across the Quidditch Pitch. It was all rather beautiful to behold.

“Lily’s not talking to me still,” said James to Sirius, they were waiting for Remus who had a Prefects meeting and Peter, who was meant to be there but had run into a tree when he thought he saw a lovely juicy hamburger in the sky.

“Do you think I should’ve unbuttoned a few more buttons on my shirt? I hear that the look is rather popular with the girls these days,” pondered James.

“Look mate, I don’t think she’s worth it … if she was there is no way she could’ve resisted your awesome musical display,” replied Sirius, he didn’t mean what he was saying but it would at least make James feel better, there was nothing worse than a depressed James Potter as Sirius unfortunately found out last year. James only got 90% on his end of year Defence Against the Dark Arts exam and Sirius made the grave mistake to say that the exam was really easy and James should’ve got more; James spent the next week rocking back and forward in his chair shouting obscenities to anyone who looked at him, unfortunately for Sirius the two of them received detention and had to look at each other for two consecutive hours in the dungeon – Sirius’ ears still rung from the memory.

“Yeah you’re right as always, I bet with my musical skills and this unbuttoned shirt I could rule this school!” At that precise moment Remus turned up, with a little less hair than he had previously but seemingly in tact. “What’s going on with that hairstyle?” asked James.

“Stupid Prefects! It’s like a wrestling ring in there, all we do is argue over who is right until one of the big Prefects slams another Prefect through a table and hits him or her with a chair. I thought when I became a Prefect I was going to make a difference but so far it looks like all I’m going to do is get the skills to appear in numerous B grade Chinese martial arts movies,” replied Remus.

“Hehe … he said ‘martial arts’ … hehe,” said Sirius for apparently no reason, nobody could quite work out the significance of what he was trying to indicate so Sirius went for a short walk looking rather sheepish.

“So what happened this time Moony?” asked James.

“Well everything was going fine until the Slytherin Prefect Horno McHorn suggested that it’d be a good idea if we set up a fake charity organisation where we take money from the first years and use the funds to buy what he termed ‘blank tapes’ and get into what he called the ‘pirate tape business’. Of course nobody knew what he was talking about because it was muggle-related and one of the Ravenclaw students questioned his right to be in Slytherin because he knew about muggles. Well from that moment it was on like Donkey Kong, chairs were being thrown, bottles broken – I’ve still got a piece of wood stuck in my ear. I tried to get out of the way but Horno caught me by the hair and swung me around like a hammer thrower would and threw me through the door, highly embarrassing I might add.”

“I wish I was a Prefect, all the hitting, hunting and wrestling – it’s always been my dream to hit a grown man with a chair,” replied James with a look of excitement on his face that Remus had only seen once before, when James had crashed into the Gryffindor girls dormitories, whilst flying on his broomstick.

“It’s nice to see you have ambition James,” said Remus with a broad smile upon his face.

Later that evening the four morons’ were chatting in the Gryffindor Common Room. Not about anything important mind you, just the usual things Snape’s incompetence, Lily’s legs, Snape’s idiocy, Lily’s eyes, Snape’s stupidity, Lily’s bottom, Snape’s bad hairstyle, Lily’s good hairstyle and then back to Snape’s incompetence again.

“You know that Snape? He’s really incompetent,” said Peter thoughtfully.

“You know that Wormtail? He’s just been hit with a book!” replied Sirius not so thoughtfully and hurled a book a few metres across the room, which hit Peter squarely on the nose.

“Ahh…look what time it is?” With that Sirius headed out of the Common Room without a word.

“Time for what?” asked Peter, but nobody answered him because nobody knew here Sirius went when he disappeared without warning, although they had their uneducated guesses.

“Girlfriend …” claimed James, “I bet he’s found a nice lady dog to go play who’s got the bone with.”

“I doubt it, he’s probably dealing in highly speculative stocks on the stock exchange,” said Remus. James looked at him and shook his head; clearly good ol’ Moony had been reading too much Muggle literature again.

“You know that Snape –” began Peter before James and Remus cut in, “Shut up will you!”

Sirius had run off to meet Professor McGonagall for their first ballet lesson of the year. Ballet was his favourite pastime; he enjoyed it even more than hurting Peter – which was saying quite a lot. Sirius really was very talented, which was a little surprising as he was such a ‘cool’ guy and as we are made aware of early in our lives cool guys don’t dance – unless they want the girl. With Sirius though this wasn’t the case – he actually enjoyed it.

“Oh that’s it, well done! You move exactly like a swan, a somewhat tall and hairy swan but a swan all the same,” gushed McGonagall, she was very proud of her student and was urging him to try out for any school plays that might come up, “I urge you to try out for any school plays that might come up,” she said.

Unbeknownst to Sirius; James, Peter and Remus had managed to follow him from afar after he left and were staring at him through the door as he made his graceful glides and moves around the dance floor.

“He dances like I do in my dreams,” said Peter admirably. James shot him a look of disgust.

“I’m seriously worried about you if you dream of these things, I myself dream of important things like Lily Potter, boy band superstardom and saving giant monkey’s from petting zoos but mostly Lily.”

“I really can’t believe this,” said Remus before adding “Sirius of all people.”

“I know and we thought you were weird Moony!” laughed James.

Sirius was parading around the room in his purple leotard, pausing, pouting, kicking, kneeling and twisting. He really was quite good, which was a surprise according to James. For a fleeting moment James considered doing this too but thought better of it – Sirius always did have the better pair of legs.

“Well done Sirius, here’s ten house points. You are coming along so well. If I wasn’t forty years your senior well I’d um … still be a student here would I? Hahaha …” McGonagall looked decidedly awkward and Sirius inched away quite happy that he could leave. Sirius walked out of the room where – to his horror – he came face to face with his three best friends.

“Well Padfoot, you’re quite the fleet footed young man aren’t you?” said James with a smile, “How come you never told us about this, it’s so cool and yet so decidedly weird and nerving.”

“I was um … planning on coming out of your birthday cake and dancing for you,” replied Sirius, for one he was claustrophobic and two he didn’t know anyone who’s life was so pointless that they’d make a massive cake for a self-absorbed git like James. James however didn’t see any fault in the explanation and the four of them walked back to their dormitories, although Peter was accidentally pushed out a window.