Hogwarts Staff Meeting

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Hogwarts Staff Meeting

(Originally posted on Mnet)

Dumbledore: All right, this staff meeting will please come to order. First item--

McGonagall: Hey, wait--there are no donuts. Someone forgot the donuts.

Dumbledore: Errumm, that will be covered in the first item of discussion.

Sprout: A staff meeting....about DONUTS?

Dumbledore: IF this meeting will come to order...the first item on the agenda is our budget problem.

(Assorted grumbling noises and groans)

Dumbledore: We may be the world's greatest wizards and witches, but let's face it...at accounting and fund raising we stink. The Hogwarts school budget is terribly out of control. We must make economies where we can. We are hoping to avoid losing critical classes, but some extracurricular and elective programs may have to go. We are considering eliminating Quidditch and the House Cup...

Snape, McGonagall and Hooch: NO!!!!!!

Flitwick: Hmmm.....

Sprout: (Smirks.)

Dumbledore: But I have been considering an ingenious new source of revenue. Now, when you look around you, who has all the money?

Snape: The Malfoys!

McGonagall: The Ministry Revenue Service!

Professor Vector: The Muggles!

Dumbledore: Quite right, Archimedea! The Muggles, in view of their great numbers, have a great deal of ready money which could be used by the school to purchase mundane Muggle-made items or exchanged for Galleons. All we need to do is create something the Muggles wish to buy.

Snape: Headmaster, may I remind you that selling magical items of any sort to Muggles is prohibited by Ministry law? Specifically, Article E-87, paragraph B5-Mj12 states--

Dumbledore: No, no, no...nothing magical. I thought it would be an interesting test of the Muggle market if our Magical Runes teacher was to write a book about our school and publish it.

Rowling: Why ME?

Dumbledore: Because of your brilliant writing skill, your ready wit, and the fact that your position will be the first to be eliminated if we don't scare up some cash soon!

Rowling: Oh.

Dumbledore: Don't worry, we'll all help. And much of what you write will be based on reality, so no research will be required. You know the school well enough.

McGonagall: But if she writes about Hogwarts, isn't it still a violation of magical secrecy?

Dumbledore: No, no, they'll all believe it is pure fiction, bless their innocent hearts.

Snape: Sounds like a pathetically lame idea to me.

Flitwick: We would have to use the Imperious curse to get anyone to publish it!

Sprout: Do we have an agent? Do we know anybody in the Muggle publishing business?

Sinistra: I don't think it has a hope!

Rowling: Seems like a lot of work....

Dumbledore: Well, if that's how you feel, let's proceed to Plan B...a round of staff reductions and pay cuts.

(Dead silence)

Dumbledore: That's better. Now then, I see this as an adventure book. It will be written from the point of view of a student.

McGonagall: How about Neville Longbottom? He's had some interesting times here, and it could show the story of how he progresses from a hopeless incompetent to a qualified wizard!

Snape: (mutters) If ever.....

Dumbledore: No, we will use a fictional student. Less chance of legal trouble that way. And we don't want any of our students to become overwhelmed by publicity if the book sells well. Does anyone have any suggestions?

McGonagall: Hmmm....how about a good-natured, orphaned Scottish animagus who is learning magic in order to avenge her father's death? That's always good for audience sympathy!

Snape: Come on! What century are you living in, Minerva? Kids today don't read that guff. Make him a rebellious boy--some bitter, angry kid with greasy black hair who is into the Dark Arts! And--ooh!--make his face all horribly scarred from some awful curse!

Fitwick: Bah, rubbish! Make him a little fellow for his age! Everyone has sympathy for little guys who do big things!

Trelawny: What a hopeless bunch of clichés Be original--make the hero a scrawny girl with HUGE glasses who can foresee the future in her dreams!

Rowling: All right, all right--shut up you lot.

Dumbledore: Very well. Joanne will work out the main character. Now, about portraying the school and teachers. I will, of course, be the wise, grandfatherly, supportive, omniscient mentor of the hero...

(Snickering around the table.)

Snape: Hey! Can I be the villain?

Dumbledore: No, Severus. We will, of course, portray the teachers as they are, with some minor exceptions. We will need a villain--or anyway, the villain's spy or something--to be on the faculty. I think it would be a wonderfully ironic twist of fate if the villain were the Defense Against Dark Arts instructor.

Weasley: HEY! I don't want to be the villain!

Snape: I do! I do! Make the Potions master the villain! I try to poison the Headmaster or something, and little Snotty rescues him--

Dumbledore: NO, Severus! Ron, please...it would really add something to the plot to have the Defense against Dark Arts instructor a villain.

Weasely: But I don't WANT to be a villain!

Snape: Let's trade--Ron can be the Potions master, and I'll teach Defense Against Dark arts!

Weasely: I don't want to be Potions master, either, ecch! All those slugs and spiders...(shudders)

Snape: Dumbledore, PLEASE? Can't I be the villainous Defense Against Dark Arts instructor? You know what a good villain I'd make! I can teach Dark Arts defense, you KNOW I can! I'm begging you...

(Dumbledore takes an aspirin)

Rowling: Tell you what...I'll write in a completely fictitious DADA...someone squirrelly that nobody would suspect. And Severus, I'll write you in as the obnoxious teacher that all the students hate and suspect.

McGonagall: (mutters sarcastically) Ooh, that's hard to imagine!

Weasely: But...then I won't be in the books at all!

Dumbledore: Make up your mind, Ron!

Rowling: How about if I write you in as a student? The hero's best friend? Hey, I can get in the book that way, too! Except I never liked Joanne...something fancier...Hmmm, Thusnelda, Imogene, Hermione? I think I have enough to get started....

Dumbledore: Then go to it, and make sure the main villain survives so we can sell a sequel if this goes over.

McGonagall: A sequel?

Dumbledore: Certainly! A few charm spells on the book, and everyone will love it and want more. Sequels...merchandising...maybe even movie rights.

McGonagall: T-Shirts!

Trelawny: Fan clubs!

Snape: Fame and glory at last!

Dumbledore: Something tells me we've solved Hogwarts' little money troubles for some time to come. Dear me...I have a bad feeling about this...

Hogwarts Staff Meeting II

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order...

McGonagall: Severus is late again, I see.

Dumbledore: Hmmm...well, I suppose there's no harm in waiting. Pass the champagne, please, Filius. I see we're using the new diamond goblets...very nice.

Sprout: Are you sure this caviar is QUITE fresh?

Weasely: If you have any doubts, throw it to the squid and order another barrel. The smoked oysters and quail's eggs are very nice.

Hagrid: The squid's got indigestion already from the leftovers from the last two staff parties. Stop throwing all that rubbish in the lake! The manticores are getting jealous.

Snape: Hello, everybody!

McGonagall: Kind of you to join us, Severus

Snape: Well, the yacht's getting a bit drafty this time of year. What say we take all the students on a four-month field trip to Waikiki or Palau?

All teachers: Ooh, good idea!

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. STAFF ONLY, Severus.

Snape: Of course. Kiki, Muffy, please wait outside. Shine up the brass on my yachting cap, there's dears.

Kiki & Muffy: Tee hee hee!

Trelawny: Really, Severus, must you bring your house pets wherever you go?

Snape: Can I help it if Veela can't keep their hands off me?

McGonagall: First Veela I've ever seen who need to bleach their roots.

Snape: Speaking of which, didn't there used to be a few grey hairs under that tiara of yours?

Dumbledore: Order, PLEASE! Now, the first order of business is our financial standing. Archimedea?

Vector: Everything's going swimmingly. The book sales have succeeded beyond our wildest dreams, and the school no longer faces any financial problems whatsoever. We've started reconstruction and modernization on the Charms corridor, the Potions class has been outfitted with the latest equipment, we've recieved permission to purchase a large section of the moor for the purpose of establishing our own dragon colony, the student dormitories have been outfitted with every luxury the students can imagine, and we still have oodles of lovely lolly left!

Dumbledore: I trust you all found the pay raises satisfactory?

Teachers: Yes, yes!

Weasely: A toast to pay raises! Pass the champagne....

Dumbledore: Archimedea, precisely how much ready cash do we have available at the moment?

Vector: Oodles!

Snape: Nothing like an Arithmancy teacher to give you a nice, accurate number.

Dumbledore: Archimedea, would you care to elaborate on that? How much is an oodle, and exactly how many oodles do we have?

Vector: Err...I believe we have forty or fifty thousand galleons on hand.....

Dumbledore: That's what I was afraid of. On to the second order of business. (Throws a large, sealed envelope onto the table.)

McGonagall: That looks like it's from the Ministry.....

Sprout: Oh my stars, it's the TAXES!

Flitwick (screams and faints)

Trelawny: I TOLD you it couldn't last! I predicted it!

McGonagall: Wait a moment...they can't tax us, we're a non-profit organization!

Snape: A very RICH non-profit organization....

Dumbledore: These are not tax forms. They are papers documenting the result of a lawsuit against the school...a lawsuit which, incidentally, we have lost.

McGonagall: What do you mean, Albus?

Dumbledore: A judgement against Hogwarts for defamation of character and criminal libel, prosecuted by Snavely, Snavely, Snavely and Breeches on behalf of a Mr. Lucius Malfoy.

All: (groan)

Snape: What ever possessed you to make Lucius Malfoy a Dark wizard in those dratted bits of rubbish you write?

Rowling: Look, how was I supposed to know he'd read a Muggle kids book? Besides, I hate him. He's always hitting on me at parties, and he parks his broom in the handicapped space.

Dumbledore: The lawsuit was filed on his behalf and that of his son Draco....

Rowling: Nasty, smarmy, little creep...he wipes his nose on his tie, as well.

Snape: Ruddy Gryffindors, you just can't stand that a Slytherin's the best student in the school, can you?

McGonagall: No, we can't. Grades notwithstanding, Draco Malfoy must be the most loathesome child I've ever taught. I thought Joanne made him rather too likeable in the books.

Flitwick: WILL you all stop squabbling? I want to know how much we've lost!

Dumbledore: The judgement was for five million galleons.

(Dead silence. Followed by screaming.)

McGonagall: Oh, Albus, what are we going to do? It's probably not too late for the Transfiguration class to cancel the order for twenty warthogs, that will save a few thousand...

Sprout: And the greenhouses don't really NEED that new irrigation system we were about to install...

Sinistra: And the telescope we have is really good enough...I'll return the deluxe zoom model to the astronomy supply company

Flitwick: (sighs) And I suppose we don't really NEED to redecorate the Charms classroom with antique marble frescoes...

Trelawny: And the plain lead crystal balls have always done for the students before. I don't suppose the genuine rock crystals will make them any more clairvoyant....

(Long pause. McGonagall nudges Snape.)

Snape: I don't care, I'm NOT giving back the indestructible, self-stirring cauldrons! OR the pickled dragonet! OR the stuffed chupacabra! Or the--

McGonagal: Severus, really!

Flitwick: We're all making sacrifices!

Sprout: Think of the school!

Snape: Bugger the school! Anyway, what's the problem? Just send Joanne's new book off to the publisher, and pay off Malfoy with the advance!

Dumbledore: Of course! Joanne, is Book 5 ready yet?

Rowling: Oh...er...it needs, um...tweaking. Yeah, tweaking.

Flitwick: Well, tweak, then! Tweak! Tweak!

McGonagall: I don't think we can afford to be too fussy, Joanne. Let's have a look at it.

Rowling: Er....it's in my other robes.

Snape: Well, go get your other robes, then!

Rowling: Um...I think maybe Fang ate them?

(long pause)

Dumbledore: Joanne...IS there a Book 5?

Rowling: Yes! Of course! Well, sort of....

Snape: Sort....of.

Rowling: Well, when we got those big pay raises, I went out and bought one of those muggle contraptions....er...computers. My publisher wanted everything in computer format, he said he was tired of trying to decode my quill-writing. So I picked up a computer to do my novel on....and a keyboard....and a monitor....and developed a magical electricity generator. And I even figured out how to make it all work...

Dumbledore: So the book is in the computer?

Rowling:...er....

Flitwick: I hear that those computers, er...bash themselves and forget everything. Did you have a computer bash?

Rowling: No, no....um, did you ever hear of Age of Empires?

All: No.

Rowling: Well, it's this game you play on the computer, like wizard chess but with WHOLE ARMIES! Little bands of archers firing volleys of arrows....chariots and war-elephants and catapults and triremes--

Dumbledore: So, you 've actually been playing this game....

Rowling: Ye-e-e-e-s.....

Dumbledore: ...all the time we thought you were writing.

Rowling: Look, the fate of Assyria lies in my hands! Just let me finish the campaign, and I'll get started on the book right away!

Dumbledore: I fear there may not be time. A representative of Gringotts is waiting in the courtyard for our payment.

McGonagall: (looking out window) Oh, dear! And he's got dementors with him! Albus, what will we do?

Rowling: Not to worry! I learned a terrific spell from the game. Just let me do the Priest Conversion Chant, and the collection agents will be on our side in no time! (Goes to window and raises arms) Wunnunnooooooo....Wunnunnoooooo...ieyooOOOooooo... ieyooOOOOoooo....Wunnunnooooo... That's odd, their clothes don't seem to be changing color. Well, it sometimes takes a bit of time before it works. Wunnunnoooo....Wunnunnooooo....

Snape: Come on, you lot, if this book's going to be written we'd better write it ourselves. Personally, I hope to see the Ancient Runes professor get SACKED in this one!

McGonagall: Should we mention the new brooms we got for all the Quidditch teams?

Sprout: We'll have to work like house elves...in fact, why don't we let them do some of the writing?

Hagrid: Can I stick some of my relatives in this one? They've been asking...

Dumbledore: Come to think of it, some of my friends would be willing to pay to get mentioned...especially as a new Defense against Dark Arts Professor! And Cornelius Fudge's political opponents would be delighted to help fund more critical remarks about the old goat.

Flitwick: Whom shall we kill in this one?

McGonagall: Hmmm, perhaps we could auction off a preview of the book? For charity? We ARE a non-profit organization....

Dumbledore: And, if I'm not mistaken, on our way to being a very rich non-profit organization once more!

Hogwarts Staff Meeting III

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. First order of business--pass the donuts, please. Thank you. Second order of business, our financial situation.

All: What, AGAIN?

Dumbledore: Once more we are solvent, thanks to the hard work and cooperation of the staff in putting together the manuscript of Order of the Phoenix. The publisher's advance, the product and name placement fees, the political kick-backs and some very minor sacrifices--

Snape: HA!

Dumbledore: ..some VERY MINOR sacrifices, have--

Snape: MINOR he says!

Dumbledore: ...Have enabled us to pay off the Malfoys and--

Snape: You PAWNED my YACHT!

McGonagall: Oh, do shut up, Severus.

Dumbledore: ...and avoid any unpleasantness with Gringotts and its (shudders) collection agents. It's only a matter of time now before the royalties begin rolling in.

Snape: And when they do, I want my yacht back.......

Dumbledore: Meanwhile, I'm SURE Joanne--

Snape: ....AND I'm charging interest.....

McGonagall: Hush!

Dumbledore: ...has been working feverishly on Book 6.

Snape: ...three and a quarter dinghies.....

Sprout and Flitwick: SHUT UP!

Rowling: (sulkily) I have not.

Dumbledore: Eh?

Rowling: I'm on strike. How dare you all hijack my story! I saw the manuscript--the size of a blooming dictionary! You think anyone's going to be able to lift that, let alone read it? And I saw what was in it! The nerve of you all, stuffing page after page with ridiculous claptrap about yourselves! I'll have you know I got hold of it and edited out pages of rubbish! All that about Rubeus's herd of pet dragons--

Hagrid: Oh, but Joanne--

Rowling: AND Filius's cabinet of medals for heroism in the Goblin wars--

Flitwick: Bugger!

Rowling: AND Sprout's army of loyal gnomes chasing off the Dementors--

Sprout: Pooh....

Rowling: AND Sybil's predicting every single thing that happened in the book--

Trelawny: Now see here!

Rowling: I can't believe you killed off some of my best characters! I LIKED those people! I had plans for them! Now I have to rewrite the rest of the series because they're DEAD!

Snape: Hear that? She's going to rewrite the series. That was a short strike, that was.

Rowling: I edited out all the seventh-year girls having crushes on you as well, Severus.

Snape: Oh, I say!

Weasely: Hee, hee! Come on, Joanne, we meant no harm....

Rowling: Don't speak to me, Mr. Date-with-a-Veela!

Weasely: Come on, pumpkin, it was only a book. You know I only have eyes for you! Er...did you edit out my date with Fleur, then?

Rowling: No, I didn't. But you may be surprised at how it ends, in the final draft!

Weasely: Uh-oh.....

McGonagall: I think we all need to calm down. I'll send for some tea.

Rowling: I edited out your romance with the foreign opera tenor as well, Minerva.

McGonagall: You didn't!

(Winky enters with the tea, and starts filling cups)

Dumbledore: Now, everybody, let's not overreact...

Rowling: I also edited out your heroic duel with Voldemort.

Dumbledore: WHY, YOU ROTTEN--

Rowling: YEOUCH!!!! HOT!!!

Winky: Winky is SO sorry. Winky doesn't mean to be spilling tea all over Professor Rowling. Winky is only dumb, stupid house elf who is not even knowing proper grammar.

Dumbledore: Return to the kitchen, please, Winky.

Winky: Yes, master. (Leaves, muttering) Drunk on butterbeer, indeed! Why, I've never touched a drop in my life! The nerve of some humans....

Dumbledore: All right, now, let's let bygones be bygones. Joanne, we're sorry if you didn't approve of our work, but it's too late now. You can prevent its recurrence by getting Book 6 out more quickly. All right? Okay, on to Item Three--the lack of paper towels in the staff bathroom. I've spoken to Argus--

(There's a knock and the door opens)

Student: Hagrid? Oh, sorry--didn't realize there was a meeting!

Dumbledore: WAIT! Stop, boy......come in here. (student enters)

Vector: What's your name, young man?

Student: Harry Potter, ma'am. I wasn't eavesdropping, honestly. I just wanted to tell Hagrid that the unicorns are in his cabbages.

(silence)

Hagrid: S'aw'right...er, Harry.

Dumbledore: Harry, run along now, there's a good lad.

Harry: Yes, sir. (exits)

Dumbledore: Joanne....I thought you told us that Harry Potter was a fictional character.

Rowling: He is! I don't understand this at all!

McGonagall: Did you see the glasses?

Flitwick: And the hair!

Sprout : And the scar!

Snape: It probably washes right off! It's just a student prank, get that young rogue in here and we'll see how his forehead looks after a scrubbing with hot tea.

Dumbledore: Hmmm....truth...belief...and magic...

McGonagall: Do stop doddering, Albus, you're not senile yet!

Dumbledore: Listen to me, all of you. We've created a fictional work which many millions of Muggles believe in intensely. Hogwarts Castle is a highly magical place, and the force of that belief may be enough to magically recreate reality.

McGonagall: You mean....

Dumbledore: That really IS Harry Potter!

Rowling: But...but....Harry doesn't exist!

Dumbledore: He does now.

Snape: Well, we can't have THAT, can we? I mean, fictional characters wandering about the castle...i'n't tidy, is it?

Dumbledore: He's here. I don't see what's to be done about it.

Snape: Well, we'll......eliminate him! Not like he's a real person, after all.

Dumbledore: No!

McGonagall: It's unthinkable!

Snape: Well, what do you suggest?

Rowling: I could kill him in the next book....

Dumbledore: Er....better not. We have a contract with the publisher for seven books, and we made her sign in dragon's blood.

McGonagall: It's only one more student. Where's the harm in letting him stay at Hogwarts?

Sprout: It's not like the rest of the school is changing.

Weasely: I think I'm getting younger.....

(silence)

Weasely: (takes off hat) Look, my hair is growing back!

Snape: That settles it, something HAS to be done!

Dumbledore: Keep calm! We've promised the publisher two more books, and I don't see any reason we should worry because, er...Harry has shown up.

Snape: What if he demands a share in the royalties?

(silence)

Dumbledore: Er...as I was saying, I would be very upset if anything happened to Harry Potter...and I knew about it.

McGonagall: After all, it isn't like he's even registered as a student, and nobody's about to ask what happened to him.....

Sprout: It isn't like MURDER or anything.

Flitwick: And if it is, Severus will go to Azkaban, not us.

McGonagall: IS there a down side to this arrangement?

Severus: If you think I'm going to do it personally, you're sadly mistaken. Excuse me, I need to have a word in my office with young Malfoy. (Leaves)

Rowling: Oh, dear....isn't there another way?

Dumbledore: Don't upset yourself, my dear. After all, he's only a fictional character.

MGonagall: Yes, like Quirrel and Crouch and Voldemort....

Sprout: Voldemort....

Flitwick: Voldemort....

Sinistra: Oh, dear.

Dumbledore: SEVERUS, WAIT!!!

Hogwarts Staff Meeting IV

(Silence. Dumbledore studies a huge, musty old book. He frowns and turns the page.)

McGonagall: I wish you hadn't done it, Severus.

Snape: We all agreed it was for the best! Don't try to put the blame on me, now!

Sprout: Well, you didn't have to be in such a hurry!

(Silence)

Flitwick: When is he going to get here? I feel like I'm doomed to the Dementors already!

Trelawny: I predict this is going to end badly....

All: STUFF IT, SYBIL!

(Door opens. Everybody goes tense, then relaxes as Harry Potter enters.)

Snape: Oh, it's you.

Harry: Hullo, Professors!! I've brought fresh-made donuts up from the kitchens for you.

McGonagall: That's sweet of you, Harry.

Harry: Not at all, Ma'am. Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all?

McGonagall: No, thank you, dear, run along now.

Snape: And get on with that essay on soluble toxins!

Harry: Yes, sir! Your class is fascinating, sir!

(Harry leaves)

Rowling: I KNOW I didn't write Harry as sickeningly sweet and helpful as that!

Dumbledore: Tulpas often take on a personality of their own, once created.

Flitwick: Eh?

Sprout: What's a Tulpa?

Dumbledore: According to legend, the ancient Tibetan priests used to create servants out of pure thought. I believe 'Tulpa' was the word for these creatures. Once created they would sometimes get quite out of hand....

McGonagall: Oh, dear! Does the book say anything else about them?

Dumbledore: The book? Oh, er, this isn't about Tulpas, this is 'Knife in Knockturn Alley.' Auror Philibuster Hardbone has just found the third scantily-clad young female Avada Kedavra victim! And he suspects his own brother, Kettlefish Hardbone, of being the--

Snape: WHY YOU DAFT OLD BROOM!!!! All this time I thought you were trying to find something that would help us out of this mess! LET ME GO, HAGRID! I'm going to strangle the old goat with his own beard!

Hagrid: Naw, then, I think yeh need to calm down......Don' make me sit on you.......

(Door opens. Lucius Malfoy enters, followed by Draco)

Lucius: Wrestling match, gentlemen? I'm sorry I arrived too late to place a bet....though I presume the odds would be slanted heavily in Hagrid's favor.

Hagrid: Not so much as yeh might think--he bites!

Snape: Oof! Do--mmmf!--not! Leggo me, you moose!!

Hagrid: Now, then.....

Dumbledore: Rubeus, Severus, PLEASE take your seats! Mr. Malfoy's time is invaluable.

(Snape and Hagrid sit down, glaring at each other.)

Dumbledore: Lucius! Old friend! Have a donut.

Lucius: No thank you. I think we ought to get right down to business. Specifically, a breach of contract with the Malfoy family.

Dumbledore: Contract? I think you place a bit too much weight on Severus's little joke--

Lucius: It was a verbal contract with my son, offering three hundred galleons to 'eliminate' one of his fellow students. Our family takes OUR verbal contracts VERY seriously, Albus, and people who don't end up encased in cement on the floor of the Thames.

Dumbledore: Now, now...we'll happily pay dear young Draco his three hundred galleons, and there's an end to it, what?

Draco: Hurrah!

Lucius: It's not about the money!

Draco & Dumbledore: It's not?

Lucius: My son has lived a rather pampered life, Albus, and I was delighted to hear that he showed the enterprise to take on such an assignment. I expected that doing his own assassination would help him to build some character--perhaps make a man of him! Now YOU and your people have robbed my son of that opportunity!

Draco: That's okay, really, I'll take the money.

Lucius: NO YOU WON'T! Not a sickle do you touch until you've killed someone for it, young man! Now, Albus--

(Door opens and Harry enters)

Harry: I heard you had guests, so I brought down tea and cakes! Hallo, sir! What a beautiful day it is, have you noticed? And how dramatic you look in that black cloak!

Draco: I think maybe you're right after all, Dad. (Pulls out switchblade and starts trimming fingernails.)

Dumbedore: Hello, Harry. This is a bad time, so if you wouldn't mind

Harry: Certainly, sir, I'm just leaving. I would never want to inconvenience you, sir!

Draco: Are you SURE you don't want it done? I'll lower my price....

Harry: Only one thing--I need to talk to you later, Headmaster.

Dumbledore: Oh, dear--what about? Scar been aching, perhaps?

Harry: Oh, no, sir! Nothing like that. Only some men came and talked to me--their names were Snavely, Snavely, Snavely and Breeches. They said something about me suing the school about some books you've used my name in, and they said I'd probably end up owning the school.

Dumbledore: Oh, dear....

Harry: I'd love to own Hogwarts...wow. My own wizard school! I could be the Headmaster...

Dumbledore: Er, yes. When we talk, we'll have a little chat about the, er, trust fund we've been secretly setting aside with your share of the royalties.

(Harry leaves)

Snape: I'm never going to get my yacht back, am I?

Lucius: Er...was THAT the student whom you put the contract out on?

Dumbledore: Try to understand. There are complications, Lucius. We have reason to believe that there's a dangerous Dark Wizard named Voldemort who will be plotting against the school. Voldemort is a vicious killer whom nobody has ever successfully opposed. Harry Potter is the only one who can fight Voldemort and live. Once he's defeated the evil Voldemort....well, perhaps we can talk again.

(Door opens. Harry rushes in looking horrified.)

Dumbledore (sternly) Harry! Were you listening at that door?

Harry: Hell, yes! You're loopy if you think I'm going to fight this Volderwart character! Uncle Lucius, you never mentioned fighting dark wizards when you sent me here!

Lucius: Silence, boy! I've never seen you before in my life!

Harry: Yeah, right. You and your clever schemes to get a share of the book royalties! "Pretend you're going to sue the school and they'll fork over whatever you like" you said!

Draco: Is that Cousin Regis?

Harry: Yeah!

Lucius: NO IT'S NOT!

Draco: Cool diguise! I never recognized you!

Harry: Thanks! Hey, and thanks for the chessboard you sent for my birthday!

Lucius: The lad's delirious...mad. He has no idea what he's saying.

Draco: Did you find the secret compartment?

Harry: No, was there one?

Draco: Yeah! Your real present's inside, I filled it with--(looks around) oh, er, why don't you come to my dormitory, we'll chat and have a game of gobstones. (They leave.)

Lucius: Albus....old friend....this is not what it looks like....

Dumbledore: Hagrid? Please show Mr. Malfoy out. By way of the lake.

Hagrid: Wi' pleasure! (Grabs Malfoy and drags him away)

Lucius: Ow! Hey, watch it, you oaf! That's a genuine bat-hair cloak!

(They leave)

Sprout: Goodness...

Flitwick: Whew.....

Rowling: I must admit I feel a certain sense of anticlimax, here...

(Door opens. Harry/Regis Malfoy looks in.)

Harry/Regis: I suppose I HAVE to go back to Durmstrang?

McGonagall: YES!

Sprout: YES!

Flitwick: YES!

Snape: I want you in Slytherin, my boy!

McGonagall, Sprout and Flitwick: SEVERUS!!!!

Dumbledore: (Sighs) Slytherin it is. Only wash off that scar, will you?

Regis: No problem! And these glasses were giving me a headache, anyway. (Throws them away and leaves.)

Dumbledore: Well, we probably don't have to worry about Voldemort, eh?

McGonagall: (Snorts) Tulpas! Tulpas, my sweet, pink, bottom!

(There is a scream and a loud splash from outside.)

Rowling: I can't believe we're going to have that slimy little rotter underfoot. I refuse to put him in the books.

Snape: Weasely...good lord....you realize what this means, don't you?

Weasely: What?

Snape: (Smiles) Your bald spot isn't going away after all.

Hogwarts Staff Meeting Five

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. First order of business--

Snape: One moment.

Dumbledore: Yes, Severus?

Snape: (stands) I know we've all been rather worked up about the books and Tulpas and such...

McGonagall: (snorts) Rubbish! Fanciful nonsense!

Snape: Perhaps, perhaps,...but under the circumstances, I thought you should all see this...(rolls up left sleeve)

Flitwick: (gasps) Great flaming Merlin!

Weasley: It's....it's...

Trelawney: THE DARK MARK!!!

Vector: (screams)

Dumbledore: This is most disturbing. It appears our concerns may not have been entirely unfounded after all. Severus, tell us, when did the Mark first appear?

Snape: A week ago. Last Thursday, to be precise. 9:35 pm. While I was in Philemon Bunworthy's tattoo parlour.

(Long silence.... followed by shrieks of rage, as portions of uneaten donut are thrown at Snape's head.)

McGonagall: REALLY, Severus!

Snape: (drops into chair sn|ggering) You should have SEEN the looks on your faces!

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order.

Snape: Really, Filius, your eyes were bugged out THIS far!

Dumbledore: (glares at Snape) AHEM! First order of business--publicity for the new book. Joanne, you are behind quota on your public appearances.

Rowling: And I'll bloody well remain behind, thank you. I'm not about to advertise that book after you all put your silly ideas into it. YOU go do interviews.

Dumbledore: Joanne, don't you think it would rather expose the wizarding world to the Muggles if we all suddenly appeared publicly?

Rowling: So bloody what?!

McGonagall: Sounds like someone's been up all night with the baby again.

Rowling: Bugger off, all of you. I have Magical Runes papers to correct. (leaves)

Dumbledore: (shakes head) That is what I feared. Still, the wizarding mind is equal to the emergency. Severus, have you done as I asked?

Snape: (puts bottle on table) One dose of Perma-polyjuice, infused with one golden hair, which will transform the drinker into the image of Joanne K, until the antidote is taken.

Dumbledore: Excellent! (waves plane ticket) Now, in two hours, an airplane is due to depart Heathrow Airport, en route to America. The author of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is due to be on that plane, and to make a month-long publicity tour of the States, Canada, and Mexico. Now, who exactly should that author be?

McGonagall: Airplanes--you mean those big metal flying machines that are always crashing? Count me out.

Flitwick: Staying in fleabag hotels...nope.

Vector: No magic for a month...nuh-uh.

Snape: Having to smile at Muggles and sign autographs and be polite all day...fat chance.

Hagrid: Who'd feed my pets? Not for me.

Dumbledore: Nobody wishes to take this burden on themselves? Very well, then, as headmaster, it's clear where my duty lies. I will make the supreme sacrifice and take the grim journey myself. (reaches for potion)

Sprout: (grabs potion) Hang on--I didn't say I wouldn't.

Dumbledore: (grabs potion back) But my dear Pomona, you would hate to leave your beloved greenhouses for the inconveniences and tribulations of--

Sprout: (grabs potion back) I wouldn't half mind a chance to nip into the Salem Herbological Gardens for an afternoon, though.

Dumbledore: (grabs potion back) But I'm sure you'd be heartbroken to leave your students to some incompetent--oof, give me that--substitute!

(Dumbledore and Sprout struggle over the potion.)

Weasley: Say, that's right...whoever takes the trip gets a month paid time off from teaching.

Flitwick: Hmmm...I'll bet they put best-selling authors in the most luxurious hotel suites imaginable...

Trelawney: ....jacuzzis and champagne at every stop....

Snape: ...being hailed by mobs of admiring, hero-worshipping fans....

McGonagall: ...a free tour of North America.... HERE! Stop it, you two! I'll take that potion!

Snape: No, I will!

Weasely: ME! I'm prepared to make the sacrifice!

Dumbledore: Oof! This staff meeting--ouch!--will come to ORDER!! Take your seats! At ONCE!

(Teachers sulkily return to their places.)

Dumbledore: Now, as it's apparent that everyone has nobly decided to take this responsibility on themselves (glares around table) we must decide who it shall be. As there is only one dose of perma-polyjuice, and it would take Severus three months to brew another, the obvious person for the job is the one (uncorks bottle) who drinks the potion first!

Flitwick: DUPLICATUS!!! (A second bottle of potion appears on the table.) Ha! Foiled your plan, Albus!

Snape: Two can play at that game! Duplicatus!

Mcgonagall: Duplicatus!

Weasley: Duplicatus!

(Soon every staff member has a bottle of Perma-polyjuice potion.)

Dumbledore: This is becoming tiresome.

Weasley: Well, what I say is that the person to go should be the person who knows how to act most like Joanne. As her husband, I know Joanne best.

Snape: HA! Nice woman you'd make, within five minutes you'd be demanding a pint and a cigar, and rambling on about historic Quidditch rulings.

Weasley: Pah! Well, you're a fine one to talk. Put yourself out of the running with that tattoo, haven't you? How many women get tattoos of snakes and skulls?

McGonagall: I wouldn't say that. Some women do. I have a small tattoo myself.

Flitwick: Have you really?

Sprout: Can we see it?

McGonagall: (turns red) No.

Hagrid: Why not? Is it something embarrassing?

Snape: Or is it someWHERE embarrassing?

Weasely: Minerva....do you have a BUM tattoo???

McGonagall: Why are you all standing around babbling, lets get on with this. (drinks potion)

(Everyone drinks potions)

Rowling: It worked!

Rowling: Of course it worked! My potions always work!

Rowling: So, which of us makes the best Joanne?

Rowling: Who can tell? We all look the same.

Rowling: We need a way to tell each other apart...

Rowling: Yes. Trousers down, everyone, and let's see who has the bum tattoo.

Rowling: The rude, obnoxious one must be Weasley.

Rowling: (insulted) How can you say that? I could just as well be Severus!

Rowling: I don't know about the rest of you, but I feel fantastic! (poses)

Rowling: Alright, alright, this is getting us nowhere. Perhaps the only fair way to choose who goes on the tour is to draw straws. (turns back) Now, there's a straw in here for each of us. The long straw gets to be Joanne. Everyone, draw. You first, Joanne....

(everyone draws straws)

Rowling: Bugger!

Rowling: I have it! I've got the long straw! Adoring fans and plush hotels, here I come! Goodness, I have to run and apparate to Heathrow! (takes ticket and runs out.)

Rowling: Well, so much for that.

Rowling: Oh, well....on with the rest of the meeting.

Rowling: Ummm...can we change back first?

Rowling: Certainly. Severus, could you please go brew the antidote for us?

(silence)

Rowling: Severus?

(silence)

Rowling: Oh, no! Everybody--AFTER HIM! Er, or HER! Stop him from apparating before he's changed us back!

(Everyone runs out and charges around the castle grounds)

Rowling: I've got him!

Rowling: No you havent you've got ME!

Rowling: Oh, sorry...is THAT him?

Rowling: No, it's me! Quick, keep looking!

Rowling: Oh, dear...I think I'll start skipping staff meetings...

Rowling: Shush! After him! Er...is That him?

Hogwarts Staff Meeting 6

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. First order of business is...er...has anyone seen what I did with my notes?

Everyone: No.

Dumbledore: Botheration! Hang on a moment, I'll be right back. (Exits)

McGonagall: Right. Where were we?

Sprout: You just decided to enter the window of the second-floor executive apartment, in search of the stolen toaster-oven patent. (rolls dice) Unfortunately, Robbie Owens the Pop Star trips over an air-conditioner and makes a horrible racket.

Flitwick: Bugger!

Sprout: Loud wails suddenly fill the air--you seem to have awakened a Cranky Baby. What do you do?

(Dumbledore enters)

Dumbledore: Here we are, here we are...forget my own head next. Let's see.....er....has anyone seen my glasses?

Everybody: No.

Dumbledore: Blast! Be right back... (exits)

Flitwick: You know, Severus, that Forgetfulness Potion of yours is powerful stuff.

Snape: And your Obfuscation Charm works like a charm, if I may say so. How long d'you suppose it will take him to discover he pushed his glasses up on his head?

Sprout: Come on, get on with it. The Cranky Baby is yelling, and it's only a matter of time before someone comes....

Hagrid: I think we should--

Sprout: Hush, you're still unconscious from the bakery riot incident.

Vector: I pick up the Cranky Baby and sing to it.

Sprout: The baby screams louder. Singing isn't one of Jane Goodman the Nuclear Physicist's talents.

Flitwick: Robbie takes the Cranky Baby and sings to it, then.

Sprout: (Rolls dice) The Cranky Baby piddles on Robbie. Still screaming.

McGonagall: I'm getting out of here.

Sprout: Right. Buffy Mason the Airline Stewardess climbs out the window. Anyone else?

Dumbledore: Sorry about that, everyone. The glasses, er...turned up. So, down to business. First order of business, the...incident with the Permapolyjuice potion. I would like to thank Severus for the rapidity of his return--

Snape: Like I had a choice. I was mugged by 13 blonde Joanne Rowlings at the Manitoba airport.

Dumbledore: --and for his quick action in securing the antidote for the staff.

Trelawny: Hmmm...say, Albus, are we having budget problems again?

Dumbledore: No, not presently. Why do you ask?

Trelawny: I just wondered why there are no donuts.

Dumbledore: No donuts? (Looks under note papers) Didn't I bring the donuts?

Everyone: No.

Dumbledore: This is certainly one of those days. Back in a moment. (Exits)

Sprout: Right. The Cranky Baby is still screaming, Buffy is bailing out the window, and Robbie and Jane are singing 'You Light up my Life' at it, badly off-key.

Snape: Right. Biff Musselman the Naval Officer chucks the Cranky Baby out the Bloody Window.

Everyone: Severus!

Sprout. Right. There's a terrific noise as the Cranky Baby bounces off the rubbish bins, and (rolls dice) is caught by Buffy, screaming louder than ever. In the distance you hear police sirens. (Severely) You realize you've just added child endangerment and kidnaping to Breaking-and-Entering, should the police catch you.

Weasely: Alf Jones, the Cat-Burglar, beans Biff with his cosh.

Sprout: (Rolls dice) With a two-point minus for attacking in darkness, and three point bonus for Biff's being a twit--

Snape: Hey!

Sprout: ....A hit. Biff's head is lumped for (rolls dice) two points of damage.

Dumbledore: Here we are. Help yourselves. Very sorry, I don't know what's come over me today.

Snape: Don't apologize, Albus, I expect that when we eventually hit your age, we'll likely be senile as well.

Dumbledore: Thank you very much, Severus. Now, to the second point of business...damage control and the future of the books. As we all may or may not know, when pressured by fans for information on forthcoming books, Severus, in the guise of Joanne, couldn't resist giving out a few....hints.

Rowling: Hints? What do you mean, hints?

McGonagall: Oh, dear. You didn't destroy the atmosphere of suspense, I hope.

Dumbledore: Specifically, he told the fans that due to the woefully inadequate safety regulation enforcement at Hogwarts, Harry Potter has a debilitating accident at Quidditch and ends up paralysed and in a wheelchair, with Dobby as his faithful attendant.

Everyone: What?!

Snape: The safety rules are there for a reason, you know. It's a wonder to me that more students don't end up in wheelchairs, or poking their eyes out with magic wands, or--

Dumbledore: He also said that, due to the woefully inadequate enforcement of the fraternisation and chaperoning rules, that Hermione becomes pregnant and in Book Seven, unable to cope with the daunting task of raising an infant while finishing her schooling, drops out to become a Knockturn Alley beetle-eye harvester.

Snape: Like I said, the rules are there for a reason. Nothing like a worst-case scenario to scare the kids on to the straight and narrow path.

Rowling: But none of that's intended to happen in the books! You wouldn't even KNOW what's going to happen in the books!

Snape: (smirks) Well, now you've got to include it, haven't you?

Dumbledore: Furthermore, he told the fans that due to the woefully inadequate enforcement of the dress code regulations at Hogwarts, Neville Longbottom dies of--

Rowling: That's it. Call "Obliviators Are Us." It will be expensive, but it's the only way.

Flitwick: Weeeellll...the books COULD be rewritten, you know.

Rowling: What? No way!

Flitwick: No, no, hear me out...I do sometimes think that the books should make more effort to address the real-life conflicts and concerns which our students face in modern-day society.

Rowling: What, dress code violations?

Dumbledore: Er...if you'll pardon me a moment... (exits)

McGonagall: What now, do you suppose?

Snape: Nothing much, I encouraged him to drink four cups of tea before the meeting....

Flitwick: Really? What did you put in it?

Snape: Tea. Trust me, it's quite enough. Quickly, on with the game! So, Alf bops Biff. Okay, Biff turns around and delivers Alf a good swift kick in the essentials.

Sprout: Before Biff can act, the light goes on. Standing in the doorway, with a look of shock and horror, stands a gorgeous stenographer in a flimsy, see-through negligée.

Snape & Weasely: Score!

Hagrid: Am I conscious YET?

Sprout: No.

McGonagall: (Sharply) A male or female stenographer?

Sprout: (Rolls dice) Er--male.

Vector: Score!

Flitwick: Gay or straight? (Silence. Everyone looks at Flitwick) Just asking....

Dumbledore: Sorry, everyone, sorry! Now, as we were saying...do we send the obliviators or rewrite the books? You've had time to discuss the matter, so let's see a show of hands...everyone?...all right, the obliviators it is.

Snape: Bah!

Dumbledore: Very well, I'll contact some obliviators and get bids on what an American expedition will cost us.

Weasely: Excuse me, but why bother sending British obliviators to America? America's crawling with obliviators!

Dumbledore: Is it?

Weasely: Oh, yes...they're bored sick with nothing to do over there but make people forget their history and geography...

McGonagall:....how to speak proper English....

Snape: ...who got elected President....

Dumbledore: Well, very good, then. I'll contact the headmistress of Salem school, I'm sure she'd be happy to arrange matters as a professional courtesy...and for a modest donation to the school's operating fund. Now, one last matter--er, excuse me. When I return...

McGonagall: You know, Albus, you MIGHT give some consideration to the suggestions we've all made that a private staff bathroom be attached to the staff room!

(Dumbledore leaves, swiftly)

Sprout: Right...

Vector: Jane attempts to seduce the stenographer.

Sprout: Hmmm...how?

Vector: Um..I use a pick-up line. 'Hey, babe, I'd ask what your sign is, but I can tell by looking at you that it's Dangerous Curves!'

Weasely: Ooh, good one!

Snape: Anyone got a pencil? I want to make a note of that...

Sprout: (Rolls dice) The stenographer seems intrigued. Unfortunately, you hear a voice saying 'Who the hell is that?' From behind the stenographer appears a half-dressed, er, female CEO. You recognize Chief Executive Sczpanski from the Ace Toaster company website photo.

Snape: A compromising situation is what we've got here. Biff attempts to blackmail the CEO.

Sprout: (Rolls dice) No luck. Apparently the CEO has no shame. "Call the police" h...er, she says to the stenographer.

Dumbledore: I do apologize.

Snape: Don't apologize, I'm sure that when we--

Dumbledore: Thank you, Severus, and shut your gob. Now, one final matter before I let you go about your business. It has been brought to my attention that many of our students have become involved in a game entitled 'Muggles and Mayhem.' It's apparently a role-playing game, in which students pretend to be one of a variety of Muggle characters and take part in non-magical adventures. While this is probably harmless in the normal run of things, there are some disturbing aspects to the craze. Naturally, our less progressive parents are extremely concerned. They feel that playing the game encourages an unhealthy interest in muggle affairs and may be a first step toward serious non-occultism. There was a highly publicized case in Belgium recently where a promising, but disturbed, magic student who became obsessed with the game dropped out of school to become a software engineer. And even if we don't take these matters seriously, there are still some inconvenient aspects to allowing such a dangerously obsessive game to be commonly played at Hogwarts. For instance, I don't think we want game-obsessed students running through our dungeons, pretending that they are rat-infested subway tunnels....or sneaking into the Astronomy Tower to play at being airline controllers. There was even an incident in the Prefect bath just last week, where someone pretended to be a lifeguard and sat in a high chair on the edge of the bath shouting, "You there! No running in the pool! Stay at the shallow end!"

Sprout: Dear me!

Dumbledore: The obsessive nature of the game also leads students to neglect their studies. We must not encourage an activity which students find so compelling that their work is neglected or interrupted in pursuit of it.

Snape: Absolutely!

McGonagall: Hear, hear!

Weasely: Shocking!

Vector: The very idea.

Dumbledore: I'm glad we are all in agreement. Very well, 'Muggles and Mayhem' is no longer allowed at Hogwarts. Any game books or paraphernelia are to be confiscated on sight, and the student 's parents to be notified.

Sprout: We should make a particular effort to confiscate the new Malls and Mortuaries expansion pack. I hear that it's particularly...er...subversive.

Snape: I'm sure I could get one from Slytherin. Unlike you others, I hold compulsory contraband searches in Slytherin house.

McGonagall: That's why your students are so good at hiding things. I'm sure my Gryffindor students will be glad to turn in their game books honorably on request.

Dumbledore: Well, that brings this staff meeting to a close. Thank you all for attending. Excuse me, now, I have things to attend to. (Exits.)

Snape, McGonagall, Weasley, Hagrid and Vector: Right!

Sprout: Okay, the stenographer reaches for the telephone. Melvin Gibbs the Wildlife Photographer wakes up suddenly, wondering where he is. Hagrid, make a saving roll against amnesia......

(Snape sits in the staff room, reading Order of the Phoenix and happily singing 'Weasely is our king.' Weasely enters.)

Weasely: All right, Severus?

Snape: Imagine Joanne remembering that song from our old school days...quite a memory on that woman. Too bad for you that you never really did learn to block a goal...(Goes back to humming.)

Weasely: Oh, yes? Nice underpants, Snivellus!

(The rest of the staff begin to trickle in.)

Snape: Never really happened. The Potters don't exist, remember? One must wonder what the psychological motivation was for Joanne's showin' off my skivvies...

Weasely: Easy, she wanted to have a laugh at you.

Snape: She bragged up my Occlumency, too, and made me a daring undercover agent. You know, Weasely...(smirks) I reckon your wife fancies me!

Weasely: In your fume-addled dreams, you potion-sniffer!

(Rowling enters)

Snape: (Still smirking) I notice she didn't get YOUR pants off through the entire book. Even dear little Snotty Potty had a date....

Weasely: (Turning to Joanne) That's right--what happened to my date with Fleur?

Rowling: I gave her to Bill when you forgot our anniversary!

Snape: Come sit by me, Joanne.

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. First order of business: the new book. Sales are going splendidly! Again, thanks to Joanne for her excellent work rewriting!

McGonagall: Yes, well done! The scene with the mirrors was most touching.

Rowling: Thanks!

Flitwick: Bravo! Loved the fireworks!

Rowling: Thank you!

Dumbledore: The final duel between myself and Lord Voldemort was most exciting.

Rowling: Hang on a minute--I edited that out!

Dumbledore: And I edited it back in.

Rowling: Why you machiavellian--

Snape: Joanne....want to come down to the dungeon after the meeting and have a look at my REAL underpants?

Joanne: Eh?

Weasely: I'm warning you, Severus!

Snape: You may not be a Legilimens, Joanne, but look into my eyes and see if you can tell what I'm thinking...

Weasely: SNAPE!!!

Rowling: Oh, sod off, Severus.

Dumbledore: Please hold all flirting till the end of the meeting. Thank you. Now, then. Second order of business: Parent's Day.

Snape: What, is that coming up already? When?

Dumbledore: (Looks at watch) About three minutes.

Snape: WHAT?!

Weasely: Too busy reading to remember to hide this year, Snivelly?

Dumbledore: GRAB HIM!

(Sprout and McGonagall tackle Snape as he makes a break for the door. Flitwick sits on his head.)

Snape: Let me go! I don't want to meet any parents!

Dumbledore: The parents have a right to discuss their child's progress with the teachers, Severus.

Snape: They never want to hear the truth about the loathesome little sluggards!

Dumbledore: Quick, here comes the first! Get up, you lot.

(Teachers pick themselves up and try to look respectable.)

Dumbledore: Aaaaah, Mr. Creevey! How good of you to drop in!

Creevey: Good to see you again, Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall! How are the boys doing?

McGonagall: Wonderful, they are a joy to have in class.

Creevey: And you must be Professor Snape.

Snape: Er...

Creevey: (slaps Snape) That's for calling my sons 'brainless little Potterhead fanboys!'

Snape: Ouch...

Creevey: I happen to be VERY pleased that they're reading! And (turns to Rowling) your books are wonderful! I brought my own copies along...I hate to ask, but--

Rowling: I'd love to autograph them! (Signs books) Refreshments are over there, by Professor Sprout. (Creevey wanders off.)

Snape: (rubbing cheek) Is this a school function or a ruddy book signing?

McGonagall: Oh, hush, Severus. You probably haven't offended ALL the parents. Or so one hopes. Ah, speak of the devil....and I do mean that literally...

Malfoy: Good morning, Headmaster! And a good morning to your flunkies. I hope you are all well. You've met my wife Narcissa, I believe?

Dumbledore: Welcome to Hogwarts, my dear...and Lucius.

Narcissa: You must be Professor Snape, Draco's favorite teacher!

Snape: (Smirks) Yes, that's me.

Narcissa: (slaps Snape) That's for giving Draco a point off his last essay for a measely spelling error! You hound! When a Malfoy spells something it's spelled correctly! Even if it means altering the dictionary! (The Malfoys stalk off.)

Snape: Ouch. I'm not being paid enough to stand here and take this, you know.

Dumbledore: I am sorry, Severus. But please don't leave, this is important.

Snape: No, I'll stay. I demand combat pay, though.

McGonagal: That's odd...here come the Weasleys!

Dumbledore: Arthur! Molly! How good to see you! What can I do for you today?

Molly: We've come to check on the progress of our little boy!

Dumbledore: But...surely...all the Weasleys have graduated? None still at school, surely?

Molly: Just this one! (Pinches Ron's cheeks.)

Weasley: Mu-um!!!!!!

Arthur: So, how's our Ron doing, Albus? Is he correcting his homework on time? Does he maintain classroom discipline well? Does he volunteer at the staff bake sales?

Weasley: Da-ad!!!!!!!

Dumbledore: I'm very pleased with your son's progress in all areas! And may I say how I admire you for continuing to take an interest and getting involved in your son's work.

Weasely: DUM-ble-DOOOOORE!!!!!!!

Molly: Now, I know he does have a tendency to occasionally slack off and spend too much time watching the telly. Are you keeping an eye on that?

Weasley: MU-U-U-UM!!!

Dumbledore: I assure you, I've seen no sign of any such tendency. He is a hard-working, diligent and responsible teacher.

Arthur: Then he ought to be earning more, oughtn't he? Why haven't you given him a raise in pay lately?

Weasley: DA-A--....er, I mean, yeah, I want a raise.

Dumbledore: (Smiles) Well, it's been lovely talking to you, but many more parents are waiting to chat with me...toodles, don't hesitate to visit again! Sayonara!

Molly: Say....aren't you Professor Snape?

Snape: NO! Er, no. I'm, er...Professor Flitwick. (Tries to look shorter.)

Molly: Professor Flitwick! Ah! (Slaps Snape.) THAT'S for teaching my baby to cheat at canasta! It was the scandal of my last garden party! I'll never dare look Gertrude Potts in the face again! (Weasley parents leave)

Snape: OUCH, goshdamrnit! Filius, YOU are the one who taught Ron to cheat at canasta?!

Fitwick: Er...

McGonagal: I lost five galleons to him last Saturday!

Sprout: I lost ten!

Vector: I lost FIFTEEN!

Snape: I want to learn how. Can you teach me?

Dumbledore: Discuss it later, please. There are parents waiting to speak with us.

Snape: Bugger them! I've had enough of this, and I'm ducking out through the secret passageway in the fireplace!

Dumbledore: Severus, I'm ashamed of you. The parents have every right to discuss their childrens' education with us, and running away, for whatever motivation, is not only highly irresponsible and cowardly, but childish!

(Door bursts open as a huge mother charges in, waving a report card.)

Margery Goyle: ALL RIGHT, YOU LOT! WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LITTLE BOY GENIUS'S GRADES?!

Dumbledore: Oof! Remind me to get this secret passage widened before the next Parent's Day, Minerva!

Sprout: Hurry! Hurry!

Snape: Stop pushing, you lot!

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order.

McGonagall: Looks like Severus is late again.

Dumbledore: We can wait.

Sprout: I don't think he came back after the Parents Day fiasco yesterday.

Weasley: Probably went out and got wasted and is lying unconscious on the floor of a pub as we speak. Wish I'd thought of it.

Dumbledore: Well, perhaps we should hold this staff meeting without him.

Flitwick: Yes, perhaps we should! And perhaps someone else will be able to get a word in edgewise for a change!

Dumbledore: Er...is there a problem, Filius?

Flitwick: Yes there bloody well is! I didn't get a single decent line in the last meeting! Not one!

Sprout: Oh, of course you did!

Flitwick: I got to say, "Bravo! Loved the fireworks!" That's it!

Rowling: There was more than that. Remember the canasta cheating bit?

Flitwick: YOU all hogged the good lines. All I got to say was 'Er...' 'ER!' Er, er, ER! What kind of bloody line is that?!

Hagrid: Now then...I didn't get any lines at all last meeting.

Flitwick: So what? You're ten feet tall! All YOU have to do is stand in a room and everyone notices you! But me, if I don't have some good dialog, I might as well be a...a GNOME! I...AM...A...HOUSE...HEAD!!!!

Hagrid: Now then...calm down...

Flitwick: DON'T patronize me, you oversized hairball! COME ON! LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT! YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?!

Hagrid: I'm not going to fight you, Professor Flitwick.

Flitwick: Oh YEAH? WHY NOT? YOU THINK I CAN'T TAKE YOU? YOU THINK I'M TOO LITTLE TO FIGHT?

Hagrid: Nah, I think you're too cute. Everyone would hate me if I hit you.

Flitwick: ARRRRRRGH! (Attacks Hagrid. Hagrid lifts him by the back of the collar and holds him at arm's length, a fist-thrashing, hissing, spitting little bearded ball of fury.)

Dumbledore: Can we all please relax? Sigh... (takes out wand.) Tranquilomus! (Flitwick calms down.) Now, I know we are all extremely stressed out from yesterday, but lets get this meeting over with and go on to more enjoyable pursuits.

(Staff settles into chairs.)

Dumbledore: Thank you. First order of business: Reviewing yesterday's Parent's Day. It was...er...what was that word you used, Pomona?

Sprout: Fiasco?

Dumbledore: Ah, yes. Enough said. On to the second order of business: the condition of the school. (Looks glumly around the staff room. The furniture is battered, the table is cracked, all the teacups are broken, the carpet is shredded, the walls are crumbling, and the fireplace has collapsed.) We are going to have to find a way to fit the repairs into our budget.

Weasley: Why should WE foot the bill? We should make Margery Goyle pay, SHE did this!

Dumbledore: Excellent suggestion, Ron! And thank you for volunteering to tell her so.

Weasley: Did I say 'we?' I meant YOU should make her pay.

Dumbledore: Ah. Now, Archimedea tells me that we still have some money in the bonuses and vacations budget, some in the staff party budget, and some in the kitchen budget. We can use one of those to pay the repair bills.

(long silence)

Trelawny: Do you suppose the students would complain if they had baked beans and chips the rest of the year?

McGonagall: Sybill!

Trelawny: Well, Severus isn't here, so somebody had to say it! Besides, I had no lines last meeting, either.

Binns: I've never had a line....

Weasley: That's because you sleep through most of the meetings!

Binns: Oh, that's right... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........

Hooch: I only ever had one line, and I had to share it with Minerva and Severus.

Dumbledore: Can we stay on topic, please?

Hooch: NO!

Dumbledore: (Looks at her and raises eyebrows)

Hooch: That was my line, I mean. "No!" Two--fricking--letters.

Vector: Oh, everyone stop griping. At least you people get some ink. I'm barely mentioned in the books.

Rowling: Don't get them started on me, Archimedia!!

Dumbledore: If there's so much bad feeling about this, perhaps we ought to arrange a special meeting to discuss the problem.

Snavely: Excuse me for interrupting...may we come in?

Dumbledore: Please do. And you are?

Snaveley: Snavely. (Tips hat)

Snaveley: Snavely. (Tips hat)

Snaveley: Snavely. (Tips hat)

Breeches: ...and Breeches. (Would tip hat, but his arms are full of inkpots, quills, papers, briefcases, and lunch bags.)

McGonagall: Why do those names sound familiar?

Sprout: They were a music hall act, weren't they?

Rowling: Entertainment at the staff meeting! Nice touch, Albus!

Dumbledore: Er...no. I fear not.

Snavely: My associates and I are a law firm, and I'm afraid we have a grave matter to discuss with you. Our client is bringing a suit against the school...

Dumbledore: Tell Lucius Malfoy that if he thinks he can gouge more money out of us--

Snavely: We are not representing Lucius Malfoy at this time.

Snavely: Our client is Professor Severus Snape.

Dumbledore: What!

Snavely: Professor Snape has alleged that he was put, by the school, in a position of extreme physical danger, not stipulated for, engendered by, or specified by his teaching contract.

Dumbledore: Nonsense! It was Parents Day! It was hardly dangerous!

Snavely: (Watches as chunk of shattered wall falls on the broken table, which collapses into splinters.) He furthermore claims that, on attempting to depart the area of danger, he was intercepted by two large, robust, and beefy women--

Sprout and McGonagall: Oh, I say!

Snavely: ...who wrestled him to the ground, at which point a large and ungainly gnome sat upon his head.

Flitwick: Why that--he said--I'll KILL the--

Snavely: ...After which, he alleges to have been forced to take part in an arcane ritual which involved his being repeatedly beaten about the head...

Dumbledore: It wasn't as bad as you make it sound, you know.

Snavely:..only to be then subjected to the berzerker assault of an enraged madwoman the size of a hippogriff. He was forced to flee for his life.

Dumbledore: Get Severus in here, now! I want to have a word with him.

Snavely: Professor Snape is currently in St. Mungos Hospital, suffering from various contusions, abrasions, curses, bruises, jinxes, hexes, and severe emotional trauma.

Weasley: What?! He never was scratched! He was the first one through the secret door, and he ran like a rabbit!

Snavely: Yes, perhaps...but once clear of the building, he was intercepted by a group of small children, who attacked him on sight for 'being so mean to Harry all the time.'

Rowling: Oh, Lord...

Dumbledore: How much is he suing us for?

Snavely: Seventy-eight million galleons.

(silence)

Weasley: This is a joke, right?

Dumbledore: Mister Snavely...

Snavely, Snavely & Snavely: Yes?

Breeches: (hopefully) And Breeches?

Dumbledore: And Breeches. May I consult with my staff for a moment?

Snavely: Of course. (He gestures, and his partners follows him outside.)

McGonagall: This is ridiculous!

Sprout: They haven't got a hope, have they?

Dumbledore: Do you remember the last time we had a run-in with Snavely, Snavely, Snavely, and Breeches? It was when Lucius Malfoy sued us for defamation of character, and he got five million galleons...

Vector: We remember!

Dumbledore: Well, considering Malfoy's character, the judge only awarded him twenty five knuts for defamation.

Weasley: But you said--

Dumbledore: The rest of the five million galleon judgement was for pain and suffering from the paper cut he got on Page 115.

(silence)

Weasley: We're sunk, aren't we?

Dumbledore: Perhaps. Joanne, how is Book Six coming along?

Rowling: Swimmingly!

Dumbledore: How soon can it be at the publisher's?

Rowling: Oh, in no time, relatively speaking. Eighteen months or so.

Flitwick: Bugger.

McGonagall: I can't believe Severus would do this to Hogwarts!

Dumbledore: Our only hope is that he will be willing to make a deal. (Opens door. Snavely, Snavely, Snavely and Breeches enter.)

Dumbledore: I wonder whether Professor Snape might be willing to settle out of court...avoiding all the, er...inconvenience, publicity and stress of a trial, and settling for a smaller amount?

Snavely: Why, come to think of it, Professor Snape did stipulate a few terms on which he'd be willing to drop the lawsuit and return to the school as a teacher. Shall I read them?

Dumbledore: Please.

Snavely: (Unrolling long scroll of parchment and reading.) "Number One: I want my yacht back!"

Dumbledore: We'll see what we can do.

Snavely: "Number Two: I must be given a four-week sabbatical to heal my wounded nerves, in a tranquil and soothing climate..."

Dumbledore: Granted!

Snavely:"...Tahiti would be therapeutic, or Costa Rica. Ooh, wait, add Waikiki to the list! Is Rio nice this time of year, d'you know, Snavely?"

Dumbledore: (frowns)

Snavely: "Number Three: One of those gold nameplates on my desk like McGonagall and Dumbledore have."

Dumbledore: Those are only for Headmasters and Deputy Headmasters. But...sigh...I suppose we can make an exception.

Snavely: "Number four: First pick of the donuts at EVERY staff meeting from now on."

Dumbledore: He's pushing his luck with that one...but I suppose we have no choice.

Snavely: "Number five: My favorite coffee mug. That big green one with the cartoon mouse on it is MINE! Whoever else has been using it, you can stop RIGHT NOW!"

Hagrid: Whoops. (puts cup in sink.)

Dumbledore: Granted.

Snavely: "Number Six: A more sympathetic and heroic role in future Harry Potter books."

Rowling: But he said he wanted to be the villain! I had all these plans to make him betray everyone and kill half the school and--

Dumbledore: Ahem--Joanne...

Rowling: Ohhhh...bother! Fine! I'll do my best!

Snavely: "Number Seven: Rosmerta to come visit me at Saint Mungo's to comfort my misery--"

McGonagall: I'm sure she'd be willing.

Snavely: "--carrying a half-barrel of pumpkin brandy, and wearing nothing but an outfit of lingerie to weigh no more than ten ounces."

Dumbledore: Oh, dear.

Snavely: "Number eight and finally: for Filus Flitwick to help me recuperate my strength by joining me in exile and teaching me ALL his card-cheating tricks."

Flitwick: I get a free trip to Tahiti out of this? Deal! (Mutters) I'll 'gnome' HIM when I see him!

Dumbledore: We will do our best to fulfill the conditions Severus has set, and please convey our heartfelt apologies to him for his suffering and inconveniences.

Snavely: Very well, then, our work is completed...for now.

Dumbledore: 'For now?'

Snavely: If you should fail to fulfill the terms of your settlement, we may meet again. Besides our law practice, Snavely, Snavely, Snavely, and Breeches is also a collections agency.

Dumbledore: A collections agency?

Snavely: The best!

Dumbledore: (smiles) Minerva...look up Margery Goyle's address....

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. First order of business, I'd like to warmly welcome Professor Snape back to his teaching position.

Snape: Grrmmph.

Dumbledore: Severus has kindly dropped his lawsuit against the school, even though we have chosen not to fulfill any of the conditions he set for his out-of-court settlement. But, so that you don't feel entirely cheated, I WILL allow you a limited form of Term Number Four: you may have first pick of the donuts today. (Passes box to Snape)

Snape: (Looks in box) Umm....are these ALL prune-filled Bismarcks?

Dumbledore: Yes.

Snape: (takes three and passes box to Flitwick) You didn't have to do that, Albus.

Flitwick: (gags and passes box on) You certainly didn't.

Dumbledore: Second order of business, I have a get-well card here that you may all want to sign...it's for Messrs Snavely, Snavely, Snavely and Breeches, recovering at St. Mungos from their attempt to collect damages from Margery Goyle. (Passes card around) And this 'Enjoy Your Retirement' card, as well...SSS&B have apparently decided to go into a less hazardous business on their eventual release, and are abandoning their law practice in favor of breeding and showing Kneazles.

All but Snape: (cheer)

Snape: Wusses....

(A large chunk of stone falls from the roof and the table, held together with duct tape, collapses again.)

Dumbledore: Which brings us to Item Three: repairs to the school. Although --

David Rowling: Goo ba!

Dumbledore: Er...hullo!

Rowling: Sorry! The babysitter quit on me at the last second.

Dumbledore: Well hello there, young Davey! My you're growing up into a fine young man! Coming to Hogwarts any year now, eh?

David: EEEEEeeeeee aaaa!

Dumbledore: May I hold him?

Rowling: Please!

Dumbledore: Oooooo, izzem big bad Davey? Daveykins gonna wun the staff meeting for Unky Dumbles, yes? Oooooh, izzy gonna wead the agenda?

Snape: What language is that, exactly?

McGonagall: Oh, hush, Severus! You wait till you have a baby of your own. You won't be able to help talking baby talk to it, either.

Snape: I'll forego reproduction first.

McGonagall: May I hold him next, Albus?

Dumbledore: Here you go, Minerva...oops...here you DON'T go...he seems to have a couple of fistfuls of my beard.....

Rowling: Oh, dear...let me try to pry his hands off...

Dumbledore: Ow, ow, OW! Do try to leave some attached to my chin.

Weasley: What a grip he has, eh? He'll be a Beater some day, mark my words! He's got his father's strength!

Rowling: There's a good boy, Davy...yes, let go with one hand! Now the other...oh, dear, he's grabbed on with the left again...

McGonagall: Let me help, Joanne...there we go! Well! Hewwo, Davey! HEWwooo DaVEEE! Ooooh, what a cutems! Oooooh, what a ickle cutem pie!

Snape: Oh, god...

Flitwick Can I hold him next?

Dumbledore: Anyway (ouch) as I was saying, I managed to procure a loan which will cover repairs to the school, which we can repay--

McGonagall: Oh, dear, he's got my glasses...wet go, Daveykins, dat's a good wittew baby....ow, he's got my hair, now...

Rowling: Uh-oh...hold still....

Flitwick: I'll pry the left hand loose, you get the right!

David: Gee hee hee hee!

Dumbledore: Er, we can repay the loan out of the publisher's payment for Book 6. Joanne--

McGonagall: (bending glasses back into shape) A loan, Albus? How much?

Flitwick: I'ze gotcha! I'ze gotcha! Whatchagonnado? Whatchagonnado?

Dumbledore: Seventy five thousand galleons, and on quite reasonable terms.

Vector: What sort of--

Flitwick: Ow! Ow! He's got my ear! Amb by wip! Hewp!

Rowling: Got him, Filius! Sorry, sorry....

Flitwick: Now my hair! Ow!

Davey: Daa ba!

Sprout: I've got him!

Flitwick: Whew!

Dumbledore: Only five per cent interest. I thought it was very generous of Mr. Malfoy to--

All: Malfoy?!

Dumbledore: Yes, he offered this loan. I think it was a gesture of--

Vector: How often is the interest compounded?

Dumbledore: Eh?

Vector: How often is--look, you must have signed some sort of contract or promissory note?

Dumbledore: One moment, I'll go get it...(leaves)

Sprout: Whoooopsy baby! Bouncy bouncy Davey! Up we gooooo! Pa dump pa dump pa dump!

Snape: I am going to be ill.

Flitwick: It's all those prune Bismarcks.

Snape: No, it's all that disgusting drivel you people are spewing! What on earth makes a normal, mentally competent person--though lord knows the description might not be applicable here--turn into a babbling loon the moment they pick up some undersized preadolescent in a smelly diaper?

McGonagall: Methinks the man doth protest too much. Don't you, Joanne?

Rowling: Don't worry, Severus, we'll give you a chance to hold the baby.

Snape: Over my dead body!

Flitwick: Come along, now, Pomona, Severus can't wait for his turn!

Snape: Hey!

Sprout: Oof! Well, come give me a hand, here, then...Davey, love, do let go of my hat....and my wand...oh, dear, he's got my collar, now! Thank you , Joanne, Minerva.

Snape: Get that thing away from me!

Rowling: Oh, do shut up, Severus, you know you want to! There....

Snape: Ech. Awight, I'b dud hoding hib....

Sinistra: Why, Severus, is that baby talk?

Snape: DO! Id's da way I dalk whed I can'd breade broberly! Dis brad's god a dead grip odd by node!

Rowling: Oh, dear...Davey, now let go of the man's nose...come on...

Snape: Ow, now he's got my hair! Weasley, did you really father this thing, or has Joanne been consorting with a lobster behind your back?

Weasley: Hmmm, that would explain why he turns red in the bath...

Rowling: There we go...better come back to Mummy for a bit, Daveykins...

Dumbledore: (enters) Here it is! (Gives paper to Vector)

Vector: This loan is compounded hourly!

Dumbledore: Eh?

Snape: I'm all slime down the front....

Vector: It means you have to pay five percent for every hour it takes to repay the loan! And all interest is capitalized!

Dumbledore: Eh?

Snape: I don't know if that thing piddled or drooled or just OOZED on me...

Vector: It means you also pay five percent interest on whatever interest you already owe every hour!

Dumbledore: Oh, my...that could add up rather quickly.

Rowling: I think it's just drool. He seems to have something wadded up in his mouth....

Vector: We have to pay him as soon as possible!

Rowling: ...Open up, Davey! Let Mummy have it....what has ums got, then? Not another spider, I hope...

Dumbledore: Oh, no! Our only hope is to get the book to the publisher as soon as possible!

Rowling: (Pulls soggy wad out of David's mouth) Oh, dear...looks like Chapters 13, 14 and 15...

Dumbledore: Joanne! We NEED Book 6! As soon as humanly possible!

Rowling: I've been working on it, Albus, bit it's rather difficult to do when one has a baby, you know And my sitter has quit, remember?

Snape: Well, if nobody else is going to eat ANY of these donuts...

McGonagall: Help yourself!

Dumbledore: Nothing must interfere with the book now! Remember that with too many delays, Lucius Malfoy may end up owning the school! The staff will support you--I'm sure they'll be happy to babysit little Davey for you while you write. Now, excuse me, I have urgent matters to attend to! (scarpers)

Vector: I've got to calculate those loan figures! (scrams)

Sinistra: Oh, I almost forgot, I have a conference to get ready for! (skedaddles)

Hagrid: Time to feed the flobberworms!

McGonagall: Essays to grade....

Sprout: Carnivorous plants to prune...

Snape: Mmmf mpph fmm gmpf!

Flitwick: Tests to prepare...

Hooch: Quidditch practice to organize...

Trelawny: I feel a vision coming on...

Weasley: Got to gather some pixies for class...

Rowling: Well, Severus, you're the only one without an excuse. Take good care of my boy: I have writing to do!

(Everyone makes themselves scarce)

Snape: I HAD AN EXCUSE! MY MOUTH WAS FULL!!!

(The sound of quickly retreating footsteps)

Snape: COME BACK HERE! YOU COWARDS!

(Silence)

Snape: YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE WITH THIS...CREATURE!

(Silence)

Snape: ISN'T ANYBODY LISTENING?!

David: Glpmh aaa bo...

Snape: Oh, no...what's that...that HORRIBLE thing? It's...THE MONSTER BABY FROM PLANET X! Oh noooo! Him's cwawling wight at me! Boom! Him squishes Westminster Abbey! Aaaaa! Him knocks over da Tower of Wondon! Naughty baby! Nooo! Don't squoosh Buckingham Pawace! Aaaaaa--

Hooch: This special staff meeting of the disenfranchised Hogwarts staff members will please come to order! Quiet, please!

(Everybody ignores Hooch and keeps gabbing)

Hooch: (Blows Quidditch coach whistle) That's better. Now, some of us feel that our voices aren't being heard at the regular staff meetings, and we're meeting here to address the issue of fighting for more equitable treatment for all staff members!

Sinistra: Hear, hear!

Hooch: And I'd like to thank the non-teaching staff for joining us. This school could not be run without them, but do they ever get invited to the regular staff meetings? No! Only we, their compatriots in oppression, truly appreciate them!

Pomfrey: I don't feel particularly oppressed at not having to listen to Dumbledore's ramblings...

Pince: Ditto! It would just interfere with my work.

Hooch: If I say you're oppressed, you're oppressed! Now start acting like it!

Filch: Right, you ingrates! Week after week, year after year, I clean up after those filthy students, and do I get invited to staff meetings? NO! Do I get my share of free donuts? NO! Does anybody listen to my suggestions for student disciplinary measures? NO!

Hooch: Thank you, Argus. And we--

Filch: Hang 'em up by their tonsils, I tell him! Make 'em stand on their heads in the toilet for a couple of days! Wall them up in the dungeon and teach them a lesson they'll NEVER forget! But NOOOoooooo! He--

Hooch: THANK you, Argus! I assure you that, when we are given our rightful voice, your suggestions will meet with all the merit they deserve. (Looks around) Er...the house elves didn't show up?

Trelawny: I invited them. They said they'd discuss it.

Hooch: And Hagrid?

Sinistra: Said he wouldn't come. He said that when he has something to say at a staff meeting, he says it, and doesn't have a problem with keeping his mouth shut when he has nothing to say.

Hooch: (shakes head) Poor Hagrid...he really needs to be educated in his civic responsibility and duties to posterity. When our right to free speech is threatened, does it really matter whether we have something to say or not? WE DEMAND OUR RIGHT TO BE HEARD, EVEN IF WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!

All: Hear! Hear!

Nick: (coughs)

Hooch: Sir Nicholas?

Nick: I just wanted to remind you that I and my fellow school ghosts are also in attendance...

Hooch: Oh, of course! Sorry! We are delighted to have you here! We couldn't manage without the substantial support of our...er...

Nick ...corporeally challenged...

Hooch: Yes, our corporeally challenged friends!

Nigellus: Impressive. And here I thought they were simply dead....

Hooch: Who's that?

Nigellus: Phineas Nigellus, former Headmaster of that name.

Hooch: Oy. Who brought the portrait in here?

Nigellus: PLEASE! I must insist on being referred to as an oil-based, pigmentarily-gifted, dimensionally-disadvantaged, retro-canvasoidal pre-Impressionist representational depiction!

Hooch: Er...well, yes, I suppose...of course. Thanks for coming to the meeting, Former Headmaster Nigellus! Please feel free to tell your fellow...er...your friends that they are always welcome to take part in our meetings! For today, you can represent the rest of the...um...

Nigellus: (snlggers)

Hooch: And representing the teaching staff, we have Professors Trelawny, Sinistra, Vector and Binns. Is that everybody?

Girl: No, there's me!

Trelawny: Oh, indeed? I think we really must draw the line at the students being invited to take part in our meetings!

Binns: Who invited her? Let's see, it's young Miss Rodgers, isn't it?

Girl: No! It's ROWLING! Jessica Rowling!

Vector: (sigh) Lord save us from teachers' kids....

Jessica: It's not fair! I never got so much as a mention in the meetings, and my stinky baby brother actually got to GO to one! And everyone fussed over him like he was the king of Rumania or something! Why can't I go to a meeting, too? What am I, chopped liver?

Sinistra: Young lady, you are out of your dormitory after hours! Leave now and we MIGHT not mention this to your head of house!

Jessica: I never get to say anything! I never get to DO anything! It's NOT right, and it's NOT fair, and I'm not going to take it any more!!!!

Hooch: Miss Rowling! That's enough of this disgraceful, childish tantrum!

Jessica: (Shrieks, stomps feet and leaves, slamming the door.)

Hooch: Now, to get back to the subject: Nobody respects our opinions! We're not permitted to influence anything! We barely get to say anything! It's NOT right, and it's NOT fair, and we're NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!

Everybody: (cheers)

Nigellus: Any clever children spying on this meeting may have just noted the REAL reason adults don't speak freeely in front of them...

Hooch: We demand the same respect as our house heads receive! We want full freedom to assert our personalities in the meetings!

Nigellus: Do we all HAVE personalities, then?

Binns: Eh? (searches his pockets)

Hooch: We are as strong as we are united, as weak as we are--

Dobby: (Entering) Is this the disgruntled staff meeting?

Hooch: Brothers and sisters, our comrades in oppression, the house elves, are with us!

Dobby: Actually, no. I think not.

Hooch: What? But you get even less respect than we do!

Sinistra: You have no choice in anything!

Trelawny: You don't even get paid as much as a teacher, and that's saying something...

Dobby: You're right! And who is it who demands that we spend all week polishing the school brooms before every Quidditch match?

Hooch: Umm....

Dobby: Who is it who calls down to the kitchen requesting tea delivered to the astronomy tower at midnight, and gripes if it's cold after we carry it all the way up?

Sinistra: Err....

Dobby: Who is it who leaves teacups full of soggy tea leaves all over her classroom for us to pick up?

Trelawny: But this is for the greater good, surely? Bygones, and all that...after the demeaning way Professor Rowling portrayed your, er, noble people in her books--

Dobby: Just like a human, you're pretending to be championing our cause, when you're really only planning to exploit our outrage for your own ends. Well, NO MORE!!!

(Dobby tears off his sweater: underneath he wears a T-shirt marked ELFS 4 R SELFS)

Dobby: When you told us of your hopes to exploit our people, we contacted the local House Elf union in disgust and joined! The Hogwarts House Elves are now dues-paying members of the House Elf Liberation League, Northern Order!

Hooch: Uh-oh....

Dobby: H.E.L.L., N.O. is now officially on strike! No more cleaning! No more cooking! No more grovelling! This is a closed shop. HELL, NO, WE WON'T GO! HELL, NO, WE WON'T GO!

Nigellus: I'm going to miss that grovelling....

Dobby: However, I do want to thank you. Your words of revolution are what motivated us to join the League! You inspired us to take the first step into a brighter future for elfkind. Now farewell...I'll be in the picket line if you want me. (leaves)

Nigellus: Congratulations...I think you've succeeded in doing something that will focus the Headmaster's attention on you. And I'm sure he'll be VERY interested in what you have to say about it.

Hooch: All right, you lot! Off with you all, there's NOTHING happening here tonight. Sybill, you have the minutes? Burn them. Right? This meeting never happened. (Glares at Nigellus) And I have a can of paint stripper for anyone who says differently.

(Outside are heard chants of "HELL, NO, we won't go! HELL, NO, we won't go!")

Nigellus: Yes, I'm DEFINITELY going to miss that grovelling...

Dumbledore: (sigh) This staff meeting will please come to order...

McGonagall: Is it just me, or is there an appalling lack of donuts on this table?

Dumbledore: First item of business: the House Elf strike is going into its second day.... including the house elves who make the donuts.

McGonagall: Ah.

Dumbledore: Dobby, the local union leader, spoke to me and says that they have a list of demands...

Flitwick: What do they want? More money? Better living conditions?

Dumbledore: What they want is...respect!

(Dramatic silence)

Snape: BWA HA HA HA HA!!! (falls off chair)

Dumbledore: (severely) This is no laughing matter, Severus!

Snape: (from floor, still laughing) Tell 'em we haven't got any! (gasps) Tell 'em I'VE been trying to get some for years!

McGonagall: Severus, really!

Sprout: So, what's the problem? Give them some respect! I quite see their point.

Dumbledore: I'm considering whether we can afford their demands...the budget--

Sprout: Oh, poo! Here we go again, money, money money! Why has EVERYTHING got to be about money?

Dumbledore: Brilliant point. Let's all move to a happy magic kingdom where the good fairies grant our every wish and and cakes and milk rain from the sky three times a bloody week!

Flitwick: Ooh, sounds lovely. Where is that?

Snape: (getting up) Sarcasm, Albus? That's my territory you're treading on, be VERY careful.

Dumbledore: Or what?! You'll go out and join the elf strike?!

Snape: Well, if I wouldn't have to wear a silly T-shirt and carry a daft slogan sign....and pay H.E.L.L., N.O. union dues....

McGonagall: Stop bickering, you two! We're in enough trouble as it is!

Dumbledore: Sorry...I'm a bit strung out. First it was Lucius Malfoy's loan....I signed for that two days ago, now and we now owe him...er, how much, Archimedea?

Vector: 7,800,952,235 galleons.

Dumbledore: I hope you're writing an all-time bestseller, Joanne, and that you'll have it done in the next ten minutes.

Rowling: I'm trying, I'm trying! (sniffles) I've been writing all night! But there's a plot hole you could drive a dragon through!

Snape: Chuck in a lot of juicy sex scenes and nobody will notice.

McGonagall: Severus! It's a childrens' book!

Snape: They've got to learn sometime.

Dumbledore: There, there, Joanne, don't cry. I'll leave it to you. Meanwhile there's this issue of the house elf strike to be dealt with.

Snape: I have a solution!

Everyone: (suspiciously) Yes?

Snape: Let Lucius Malfoy cope with it, he technically owns the place already, down to the last brain-sucking goldfish in Hagrid's duckpond.

Hagrid: (sob)

Dumbledore: Any OTHER ideas?

(silence)

Dumbledore: What I don't understand is what set the elves off in the first place! Was there some incident I'm unaware of?

(Really, REALLY silent silence, especially from Hooch, Sinistra, Trelawny and Binns)

Dumbledore: I'm sorry, Severus, are we boring you?

Snape: (looking at watch) No, no...it's just that it's past the hour...I was just wondering how much we owe the Malfoys now. I really must start sucking up to them drastically, my career is at stake.

McGonagall: Anyway, what were you saying before, Albus, about not being able to afford to fulfill the elves' demands?

Dumbledore: Well, let me summon Dobby, and he can give them to us. Then we'll know the worst. (Rings for house elf)

Dobby: (appears) Yes? What can I--Wait a minute: I'm on strike! Dumb Dobby! (whacks head on wall) Stupid Dobby! (whacks head on wall)

Dumbledore: Er....

Dobby: And YOU! NO summoning me any more! Not till the strike is over!

Dumbledore: I only wanted to ask you to discuss the union's demands with the staff.

Dobby: Oh, that's different. What we elves want is a little respect! And, in order to get it, we want some concessions from the management here at Hogwarts. Number one: No House Elf may be given clothes! If you have a grievance, you must go through the union.

McGonagall: Fair enough.

Dumbledore: Agreed.

Dobby: Number Two: In order that we may maintain a dignified presence at the school, we insist that the Hogwarts house elves be issued uniforms--nice ones, no more cast-off dishrags and torn pillowcases! Number Three--

Dumbledore: Wait a minute...you just said we can't give you clothes. Uniforms ARE clothes!

Dobby: Oh. Er....This list was written by a selected committee of officers of the House Elf Liberation League, Northern Order. How you fulfill the terms of the agreement is YOUR concern, not ours.

Weasley: While we consider the terms, how about dashing down to the kitchen and making us a batch of donuts?

Dobby: Donuts?! Yes! I would LOVE to--NO! NO! (whacks head on wall) I'm on strike! (whacks head on wall) I'm on strike!

Weasley: Come on...we won't tell the union officers....

Dobby: Number Three: Professor Rowling must edit her books to remove all stereotypical and derogatory depictions of house elves!

Rowling: But...but...you're so CUTE in the books!

Dobby: We find that image of the house elf offensive and degrading!

Rowling: But...what exactly do you object to?

Dobby: Firstly, the way they speak in the books...this insulting, silly, ungrammatical dialect.

Rowling: Most house elves DO speak like that!

Dobby: It is an outdated image we're trying hard to leave behind. Only unenlightened, uneducated house elves speak that way any more. Secondly, the depiction of house elf characters...you portray all house elf individual characters as drunkards, traitors and malcontents!

Rowling: Here, now! They were only characters, and only one of them was really evil, and even in his case, I thought I made it clear that the betrayal actually lay in the corrupt system of--

Dobby: It WILL NOT DO! Winky is perfectly sober and happy to serve! And Kreacher--who you made up--is simply un-elvish! And I have never worked for the Malfoy family, but if I had, I would not be shirking, sneaking about behind my master's back, and hoping for dropped socks, I would still be proudly serving them now! (pause) That is...unless I was on strike.

Dumbledore: The way things are going, you may be working for the Malfoy family quite soon...

Dobby: Er...how's that?

Rowling: Listen, I'm trying to highlight the fact that house elves don't get a fair deal! I'm working for respect for house elves, just as you are!

Dobby: What, by making our masters think we are all ignorant, inarticulate dimwits just waiting to sneak away on them? Anyway, thanks for the thought, but we are perfectly capable of engendering respect on our own!

Weasley: Well, if not donuts, how about whipping up some tea and a shepherd's pie or something?

Dobby: Certainly! Back in a--NO!! Dobby's on -- er, I'm on strike! (whacks head on wall) I'm on strike! (whacks head on wall)

Sprout: Ron! Let the elf speak!

Weasley: Well I can't stand another day of eating food cooked by the teaching staff!

Flitwick: You didn't like my spinach quiche? (lip trembles)

Dobby: Those are our demands! What do you say to them?

Dumbledore: I think perhaps Severus is right...Lucius Malfoy will shortly own the school, the Harry Potter books, and the dishrags. Perhaps he should be the one to deal with this...

Dobby: What do you mean?

Dumbledore: I'm afraid we made an unwise financial arrangement--

Vector: "WE?"

Dumbledore: --and the school currently owes him...er...how much now, Archimedea?

Vector: 8,190,999,846 galleons, now.

Dumbledore: So, as you see, the school and all its property...and its house elves...will soon be just another subdivision of Malfoy Enterprises, LTD.

Dobby: But..but that's HORRIBLE! We don't want to work for Lucius Malfoy! Do you know how he TREATS his house elves?!

Rowling: So go on strike!

Dobby: One of his elves TRIED to go on strike, and Malfoy stuck him in the waffle iron! 'Toasty' we call him now...

Rowling: What's this? The whining of a malcontent? Not so deliriously happy to serve Master Lucius after all?

Dobby: Do you suppose he drops socks much?

Snape: (snickers)

McGonagall: You seem remarkable cheerful about all this, Severus!

Severus: Yes, I do, don't I?

Flitwick: I don't want to serve Lucius Malfoy, either!

Sprout: Socks won't help US. Time to revise my resumé....

Trelawny: I can't bear it! To see Hogwarts in such hands!

Snape: (looks at watch) IF ONLY SOME HERO WOULD COME TO OUR AID!

(Thumping noise at door, followed by voice saying "Ow!")

Dumbledore: Did somebody bump into the door?

(Door is kicked open and a masked wizard enters, limping slightly.)

Everyone: What the--

Stranger: Have no fear! It is I, the Masked Flash! King of Chronography! Master of Metaphysicality! Titan of Time Travel!

Flitwick: It's a raving nutter!

Masked Flash: Headmaster Dumbledore, do not despair! With the aid of my trusty, unlicensed time turner, I collected your 75,000 galleons from the future, and returned to the past to pay Lucius Malfoy back exactly twenty minutes after you took out the loan!

Dumbledore: This...this can't be! It's a Malfoy trick to raise our hopes!

Masked Flash: Indeed no! Here, for you: a receipt marked 'Paid In Full' and signed by none other than Lucius Malfoy himself! I thought of going back further in time and paying him a day early, so that he would owe YOU interest, but it might have raised awkward questions if he took the matter to court.

McGonagall: That looks genuine!

Dumbledore: We are saved! How can we ever thank you?

Masked Flash: Don't trouble, I live to right injustice!

Snape: In that case, can you get my yacht back?

Masked Flash: It will be done! In fact, in the future, it HAS been done! I insisted that your yacht be returned to you before I agreed to undertake this time journey.

Snape: Oh, joy! Thank you, Masked Flash!

Masked Flash: And another thing! ACCIO! (A large box floats into the room) Look inside!

Dumbledore: (Holds up a cloth) What are these? Dish towels?

Masked Flash: Madame Puddifoot's finest ravelled-silk dish cloths, emblazoned with the Hogwarts crest...AND the House Elf Liberation League logo!

Dobby: Uniforms! Dobby LOOOOVES them! (Dobby grabs the box) Okay, you agree to term one, this takes care of term two. We will...reconsider the third matter and return to work. Deal?

Dumbledore: Deal!

(Dobby leaves)

Rowling: (yelling after him) And talk in house elf dialect, for heaven's sake! Have you no ethnic pride?! (sits down again) Whew, now I can take a nap.

Snape: Not a long one, Joanne...I don't want to miss the ENTIRE sailing season.

Masked Flash: My work here is done! Back to the future I go. But first: my signature! (throws donut box on the table and whips out time turner) Forward, To Destiny! (turns time turner and disappears.)

Dumbledore: Well...this HAS been quite a meeting, hasn't it?

Snape: (taking a donut) Who WAS that masked man?

Flitwick: (Looking in donut box) Hey! They're all prune again!

(The staff room...Weasely sits alone)

Snape: (enters) You're early, Weasley!

Weasley: Yeah, I've been thinking about the last meeting...

Snape: Incredible, wasn't it? The mysterious Masked Flash, savior of Hogwarts!

Weasley: Not so mysterious...I know the Masked Flash's secret identity!

Snape: (Smirks broadly) Think you've figured it out, have you? Who can you possibly suspect?

Weasley: It's ME!

Snape: Who, m-- YOU?!

Weasley: Yeah! I saved the school single-handedly. I'm the mysterious hero!

Snape: But...but...but...

Weasley: Of course, this is just between you and me, Severus...(winks) We wouldn't want Dumbledore or anyone discovering my secret...would we? (winks) After all, he might feel obligated to give me a raise, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

Snape: No, we bloody well wouldn't!

Flitwick: (enters) Good morning, Ron, Severus! Quite a lot of excitement last night, wasn't there?

Weasley: Yes, we were just discussing it.

Flitwick: If you'll promise not to tell, I'll let you into a little secret, gentlemen. (whispers) I...am the Masked Flash!

Snape & Weasley: WHAT?!

Flitwick: I only ask that you honor my heroic deeds by never telling anybody my secret identity!

Weasley: Hang on...YOU'RE the Masked Flash? You looked a heck of a lot taller last night!

Snape: Yes! Explain that!

Flitwick: (with dignity) I was wearing high heels.

Weasley: High heels?! What, three-footers?!

Snape: Of all the--

Flitwick: It was part of my brilliant disguise.

Snape: And the prune donuts?

Flitwick: A clever ruse to throw my enemies off the scent!

Sprout: (enters) Hello! What a meeting it was last night, eh?

Snape: I suppose YOU'RE the Masked Flash as well!

Sprout: Of course not, you silly man!

Weasley: Ah. There, you see--

Sprout: Minerva is.

Snape, Weasley & Flitwick: WHAT?!

Sprout: She told me at breakfast. Oops--it was supposed to be a secret! Well, let's keep it just between us.

Snape: Of all the--

McGonagall: (enters)

Snape: (sarcastically) Well, if it isn't the Masked Flash!

McGonagall: Tsk! I see my secret is out.

Weasley: Very amusing, Minerva, but I happen to be the Masked Flash!

McGonagall: Oh? Then tell me, O Flash, why were you limping last night?

Weasley: Er...it was part of my brilliant disguise.

Snape: Actually, it was because you stupidly tried to kick the door open without turning the handle first...

Weasley: Oh. Right. That.

Sprout: And the prune donuts?

Weasley: A clever ruse to throw my enemies off the scent!

Flitwick: You're stealing my lines, Weasley!!

Dumbledore: (Enters, with rest of staff) Sorry I'm late, sorry! I was held up at Flourish and Blotts. This staff meeting will please come to order. (puts donut box on table)

Flitwick: (looks in box and takes an eclair) Thank goodness!

Dumbledore: First item of business: a big sigh of relief! Thanks to the Masked Flash, Hogwarts is once more out of debt, and the house elf strike is ended. Hurrah for the Masked Flash!

Weasley, McGonagall & Flitwick: You're welcome. (glare at each other)

Snape: I don't believe this...

Dumbledore: However, we have spent a good portion of the publisher's payment for Book 6 in advance, and there's only one more book to be written after that.

Sprout: You'd think, with the way the books sell, the school would be getting more out of it.

Dumbledore: Indeed, which brings us to Item Two. Today I stopped by Flourish and Blotts to arrange for next year's textbooks, and who do you suppose I met?

Snape: (bitterly) Let me guess: it was the Masked Flash.

Dumbledore: It was Gilderoy Lockhart!

Rowling: That berk!

Dumbledore: Now, Joanne, he's a very famous traveller and writer, with many best-sellers to his name.We're fortunate that he found your portrayal of him in Chamber of Secrets amusing, or we might have had another lawsuit to deal with.

Rowling: He'd have had to prove I'm wrong, first! That tremendous fraud!

Snape: I'm with Joanne on this one. If that effeminate pretty boy did HALF the things he claims he did in his books, I'll eat my cauldron.

Dumbledore: Now, now! This is a man who's wrestled werewolves, flown with vampires, and once carried an entire tribe of wounded yetis on his back six hundred miles to safety through a raging blizzard!

Rowling: He's a man who SAYS he did!

Dumbledore: Did you know, he once spent an entire month trapped in a dark cave with a dementor, and trained it to be a chess champion using chess pieces he carved from rocks with his house key?

Flitwick: Joanne...don't his books tend to be published exactly one week after yours, and always bump them right off the best-seller list?

Rowling: Arrrgh!!!!

Dumbledore: Anyway, I had a nice little chat with him about writing and getting paid for it...and Joanne, I need to ask you, have you been getting royalty checks by owl?

Rowling: Yeah, you too? What is it, some kind of postal scam? I just throw them away.

Dumbledore: So....you haven't been cashing the royalty checks?

Rowling: 'Course not.

Dumbledore: And why?

Rowling. Well....I'm not royalty, am I?

Dumbledore: Oh, dear. Joanne, royalties are your share of the profits from sales of your book!

Rowling: Really?

Dumbledore: Yes!

Rowling: Oh. Why are they called royalties?

Dumbledore: How the hell should I know?! Anyway, let me get the publishing house on the Floo....(throws floo powder in the fireplace)

Receptionist: Hello, Mugwump Publishing, specializing in Muggle-Magical cross-boundary publishing. How may I direct your call?

Dumbledore: Hello, this is Hogwarts and Joanne K Rowling...it seems that all our past royalty checks were destroyed before cashing, and I wondered whether they could please be re-issued.

Receptionist: One moment, please.(disappears)

Dumbledore: Oh, by the way, Joanne, Gilderoy wanted me to compliment you on Order of the Phoenix. He says he can tell that you've worked hard reading all his books to improve your writing style.

Rowling: (Screams and bangs her head on the table)

Dumbledore: Did you know he once saved an entire tribe of dwarves by unravelling a huge knot of Devil's Snare using only his toes, when both his arms were broken?

Receptionist: (reappears) I'm sorry, sir, but Gringotts reports that all current royalty checks have been cashed.

Dumbledore: What? Are you sure?

Receptionist: Gringotts is quite positive. You should be receiving the next check at the end of this month. Please feel free to contact Mugwump Publishing again if you have any further questions or problems. (disappears)

Dumbledore: Joanne...are you SURE you didn't cash those checks?

Rowling: I threw them in the trash! I swear it!

Weasley: Someone took them out of the trash then! I think we ought to question the house elves.

Rowling: The house elves? Why?

Weasley: Well, who else had access to your trash?

Snape: I understand that the husband is always the first suspect...

Weasley: ME?! I never took any checks! Besides, that's only in murders.

Dumbledore: Let's not start making accusations, now--

Filch: (enters with mop and bucket) Oh, sorry...didn't know there was a meeting. Headmaster, while I'm here, I wanted to ask if I could have the weekend off.

Dumbledore: Nothing wrong I hope?

Filch: No, sir, just wanted to spend a little time at Monte, play the ponies a bit...there's a nice little thestral race going down at the-

Dumbledore: Yes, yes, feel free to take the weekend off.

Filch: Thank you, Headmaster!

McGonagall: I say, Argus...that's an interesting mop bucket...is it solid gold?

Filch: Yeah, nice, innit?

Dumbledore: Well, if you will please excuse us, Argus, we are in the middle of a meeting.

Filch: I understand--I'm gone. By the way, one of my ancient ancestors was a king, did you know? (leaves)

Sprout: Really, Ron, the house elves? It's the most awful snobbery to accuse the servants the moment something--

Weasley: Did I say accuse? I just said to ask them!

Snape: They'll take it as an accusation, most likely, and go right back on strike! And YOU can cook lunch, God save us.

Weasley: Come on, the checks were in the trash! One of the elves may have felt entitled to them, as we were throwing them out anyway.

Dumbledore: I think, at this point, that it would be a mistake to upset the house elves. We will simply make discreet enquiries and hope that the mystery eventually becomes clear. And speaking of mysteries, there's the matter of the mysterious Masked Flash. Or not so mysterious.

Snape: I suppose he's YOU, now.

Dumbledore: Certainly not. I'm sure that everyone in this room has guessed the true identity of the Masked Flash by now. There were so many clues...so many hints...it could only be one person. One brilliant, brave, resourceful and heroic individual whom we all know!

Snape: Ah!

Dumbledore: I asked him privately if it was true, and he admitted to me that, yes, he was indeed the Masked Flash.

Snape: Eh?

Dumbledore: Since the Unmentionables are earnestly searching for him and the illegal unlicensed time turner, it would scarcely be an act of friendship to mention his name. I'm sure, though, that all of us know that it can only be ONE MAN. One unique, remarkable individual whose good deeds must ever be shrouded in mystery. But I WILL mention the entirely unrelated matter that the school has just anonymously sent an enormous bouquet of roses, a thank you card, and a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey to that brave and brilliant, daring, dauntless man of action....Gilderoy Lockhart!

Snape: WHAT?! ARRRRGH!!!! (throws coffee cup against wall) AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGH!!!!!!! (stomps out)

(long silence)

Flitwick: Eeeeee hee heeeeee!

Weasley: About time we did something about him, he was getting right full of himself.

McGonagall: Oh, dear...you don't think we overdid it, do you?

Dumbledore: Calm yourself, Minerva. I'm sure he will find the yacht a great comfort. That is.. (sips tea) ...if he can figure out how to get it out of the dungeon and onto the lake. I'm sure it will be a trifling, simple matter for...the Masked Flash!

Dumbledore: This staff meeting will please come to order. First order of business: I would like to thank Severus for hosting today's meeting aboard his yacht.

McGonagall: Urp!

Snape: Over the side, please, Minerva.

McGonagall: This is ridiculous! I absolutely REFUSE to be seasick in a basement!

Snape: (offended) It's a dungeon!

Dumbledore: (sigh) Perhaps we'd better move on to item two...our current flooding problems. (gives Snape a hard look.) Severus, would you be kind enough to explain to the staff?

Snape: Well, as you know I needed to get my yacht out of the dungeon, and it seemed like the easiest way would be to sail it out...

Dumbledore: Yeeeeees. Go on.

Snape: Well, I asked Filius, and he had this...brilliant idea of enchanting all the school brooms to carry buckets of water from the lake and pour them into the base--er, the dungeon.

Flitwick: It was a new, experimental charm of my own invention. I ordered the brooms to fill the dungeon until the water was deep enough to sail out on, and then to stop.

Dumbledore: I see. And what went wrong?

(Snape and Flitwick look at each other.)

Snape: Well, once the water was deep enough to sail out...er....well, the door was no longer tall enough.

Flitwick: And the brooms won't stop trying to fill the dungeon until the yacht sails out!

Dumbledore: Which is impossible, I take it.

Flitwick: Yes.

Snape: The mast is too tall, you see.

Dumbledore: Hagrid, will you please take the dinghy and go fetch your axe?

Hagrid: If I can find it.

Snape: (hurriedly) And I think the door's too narrow, as well.

Dumbledore: I see. Won't the dungeon drain by itself, once you order the brooms to stop filling it, Filius?

(silence)

McGonagall: Urg!

Weasley: D'you need a bucket, Minerva?

Flitwick: I did mention that this was a new, EXPERIMENTAL charm, didn't I?

Snape: He can't seem to stop them! Figures...

Dumbledore: Hagrid, will you please take the dinghy and go fetch your axe?

Hagrid: If I can FIND it.

Snape and Flitwick: (look at each other)

Hooch: Here! You're not going to chop up all the school brooms are you?

Dumbledore: It seems the only way to stop them.

Hooch: No, I'm not having it! Everyone else's classes got completely new equipment without so much as asking, but I had to beg and plead to get you to finally replace those wonky old brooms of ours with something decent, and now, WHERE ARE THEY? You are NOT destroying those brooms, Albus Dumbledore! It's bad enough that the Two Idiots have tied them up with their silly spell so that none of the students can do any--

Flitwick: Oh, stop grousing! You'll have enough brooms for the entire school twice over, when the charm's worn off!

Dumbledore: How's that?

Flitwick: Er...

(Flitwick and Snape look at each other)

Flitwick: Well, Albus, we DID have a try at stopping them ourselves.

Snape: Chopped 'em into splinters.

Hagrid: Chopped?

Fitwick: Only...each of the splinters started growing...

Snape: ...and turned into a complete new broom!

Hagrid: Chopped with WHAT, exactly?

Flitwick: It was really amazing...really....

Dumbledore: I take it that THAT is when the water level suddenly started rising so much more quickly?

Hagrid: (smacks table top) WHERE DID YOU TWO LEAVE MY AXE?!

Snape: Umm, nothern passage, just below the stairs, I think.

Flitwick: Twelve feet under water, now....

Dumbledore: Hagrid, will you please take some gillyweed and go fetch your axe?

Hagrid: (growls) Right away, Headmaster.

Flitwick: Erm....but the door...too narrow...

Dumbledore: ....and, Hagrid--ask Sir Nicholas if he knows where we've left the chopping block!

Flitwick: Oh, my! Let's not overreact, Albus!

Snape: Don't worry, Filius, nobody knows where the chopping block is, it's--er...(cough) ...lost.

Filch: (rowing) Ahoy the yacht!

Snape: Come aboard, Filch!

Filch: Sorry to interrupt, I'm just collecting the trash.

Snape: Ah, yes. Basket's over there. Now, Albus, let's be reasonable. Is it really so bad like this? I mean...a lot of Muggle schools have their own swimming baths these days, I understand...

(Filch empties the wastebasket into a large bag.)

McGonagall: (jumps up) Really, Severus!

Sprout: Easy, there, Minerva...you're looking a bit green about the gills.

McGonagall: And what about the Slytherin dormitories? I was up half the night, transfiguring beds into canoes!

Snape: And think of all the jolly, healthy exercise those students are getting, paddling about all night.

(Filch rummages through trash bag)

Snape: Besides, how many students have the fun of taking classes aboard a ship? And think of the detention opportunities! Decks to swab, brass to polish, barnacles to scrape...

Sprout: Neville Longbottom says you threatened to keelhaul him if he fouled up one more potion!

Snape: Does he? Heh, heh....that Neville...

Rowling: I HAVE heard rumors, Severus, that you wear a captain's uniform while teaching, and that you keep a cat-o-nine-tails under your desk and threaten unruly students with it.

Snape: Young people have SUCH vivid imaginations.

Fitwick: ...and that several students have been made to walk the plank for not paying attention!

Snape: A bit of a refreshing swim to wake them up. Don't YOU start on me now, Lord of the Brooms.

(Filch picks up wastebasket again, turns it upside down and shakes it, whacking the bottom.)

McGonagall: Urp...in any case, Madame Pomfrey has been complaining about waves of...urg...of students coming to the h-hospital wing...for...ulp...seasickness remedies.

Dobby: (Appears) Professor Snape, sir, Dobby brings the bait for the staff fishing trip! (Slaps a heaping bowl full of grubs, slugs, leeches and worms onto the middle of the table.)

McGonagall: UUUUURP! (runs to the rail)

Snape: Fishing, anybody?

(Filch looks into wastebasket, shaking his head disgustedly.)

Dumbledore: Argus, would you please row Minerva back to dry land? Minerva, when you're feeling better, please floo Drooble, Blurt, Drip and Puddle and ask them to send us an expert plumber as soon as possible.

Filch: Of course, Headmaster. Come on, Professor, let me help you aboard. (rowing away.) Y'know, royalty just doesn't get the respect it used to...

Dumbledore: Very well, one way or another, the dungeons WILL be drained. (Snape sulks) On to item three, the missing royalty checks. We still have no clue. Gringotts is being curiously reticent about any investigations of the cashed checks. However, we are now carefully depositing each and every check as it arrives, are we not, Joanne?

Rowling: Yes, we are.

Dumbledore: Any news on Book 6?

Rowling: (proudly) Yes! I've just released...a title!

Snape: (mutters) Ooh, she came up with a title. Not bad for thirteen months' work...

Flitwick: Oh, yes! I've heard! It sounds so exciting!

Sprout: And mysterious!

Vector: And...um...exciting!

Fitwick: Harry Potter and the Toenail of Icklibögg! I can't wait!

Rowling: Erm...but...

Sprout: SUCH suspense! Who can Icklibögg be?

Rowling: It's Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince...

Vector: Icklibögg, Icklibögg.....sounds a bit Goblinish...

Snape: No wonder Gringotts won't help us find the royalty thief.

Rowling: It's the Half Blood Prince, I tell you!

Dumbledore: The Half Blood Prince, you say?

Rowling: Yes, thank you.

Dumbledore: I hope you have some evidence...I can't call Gringotts on just your suspicions.

Rowling: What?

Dumbledore: Tell me later, though--for now, let's talk about the book. What's up with Icklibögg's toenail? Hangnail, perhaps?

Rowling: Listen, all of you...that was just a joke!

Snape: Not a joking matter, an accusation of theft, Joanne. Do be more careful, we might have taken you seriously.

Rowling: LISTEN to me, you people!

Sprout: I don't know, Dumbledore, I have a feeling that the toenail is an enchanted artifact of some sort. It might not actually be organic.

Snape: I prefer to think it's a mummified part of an ancient Goblin king's corpse....

Vector: Ooh, that has possibilities!

Rowling: (bangs her head on the table)

Snape: Suppose Potter has got to get the toenail to use in a polyjuice potion, to masquerade as--

Sprout: I don't know, Severus, Polyjuice has been used to death in those books...I really think it's an object of some sort...maybe an ancient goblin weapon!

Flitwick: Like a shoe-mounted blade! Yes, that's possible.

Dumbledore: If so, I'm willing to bet it's attached to or weilded by a living Icklibögg. Not to call Joanne a bleeding-heart liberal or anything, but she DOES tend to sprinkle token centaurs, giants, elves, werewolves and such through her books. It's the goblins' turn!

Sprout: True enough.

Flitwick: Yeeees...that makes sense.

Snape: (smugly) I hope we're not guessing the WHOLE plot ahead of time, Joanne!

Rowing: URRRRGH!

Snape: Over the side, please.

Seal: (climbs aboard) Bark! Bark!

Staff: (stares at seal)

Seal: (Stands up on hind flippers, unbuttons itself, and transforms into Gilderoy Lockhart)

Lockhart: I knew this Selkie coat would come in handy one day! It was a gift from the king of the mermen, you know. Given years ago in gratitude for saving his people from a fearsome band of sea serpents! I hear those serpents are still trying to untie that knot I put them in, ha, ha!

Rowling: Hello, Gilderoy. I see the king of mermen was kind enough to leave on the price tag so you could return it to Madame Puddifoot's if it didn't suit you.

Lockhart: Joanne! Lovely to see you again! You must let me vet your new manuscript soon. Always glad to help out a struggling young author!

Rowlling: UURRRRGH! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!

Snape: She's feeling the motion a bit just now, but let me tell you for her, she's been writing like a demon for over a year, now...and she's finally finished the title!

Lockhart: Ooh, let's hear it!

Dumbledore: Harry Potter and the Toenail of Icklibögg!

Lockhart: Hmmm....Hmmm....Toenail of Icklibögg. Hmmmm......Joanne, is this a joke?

Rowling: FINALLY! Someone...maybe you're not such a COMPLETE prat as I--well, I mean....

Lockhart: Apology accepted! What IS the title, then?

Rowling: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince!

(silence)

Lockhart: Come on, now, Joanne, it was funny the first time, but--

Rowling: That's the title!

Lockhart: (chuckles) I understand, my dear, believe me. Must have your little revenge for the misunderstanding, eh? Come on, now, though, what's the title REALLY?

Rowling: WHERE'S HAGRID WITH THAT DRATTED AXE?!

Sprout: So...there's no Icklibögg?

Flitwick: Pity, I was getting attached to him.

Dumbledore: Well, maybe he's an actual character, if that was a working title...

Lockhart: But, as much as I love giving useful advice to beginning writers, I'm here on business. Dumbledore, I was sent by Drooble, Blurt, Drip and Puddle to solve your problem!

Dumbledore: Gilderoy? You've gone into the plumbing business?

Lockhart: No, but I COULD. I've always had a knack for pipes and drains and such. In fact, I spent most of the day at good old Drooble, Blurt, Drip and Puddle's, giving them really valuable tips on how the job ought to be done. Then Minerva flooed, and by that time the dear folks were so impressed with my know-how that they immediately begged me to go and sort out your problem for them!

Dumbledore: DID they?

Lockhart: Practically pushed me out the door!

Rowling: I can imagine.

Lockhart: Anyway, you need the dungeon drained, I hear. Simple enough, we must just punch a small hole at the lowest point of the wall and hey, presto!

Vector: Ummm...hate to always be a wet blanket, but considering the weight of the volume of water currently in the dungeon, breaking a wall might just--

Lockhart: Aqueous Penetrus! There we go, all rushing out nice--oh, dear...

CREEEEEEEEAK! RUMBLE! SPLOOOSH! CRASH! RUMBLE! GUSH BAAAAARRROOOOOOOOOOM! FWOOOSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSSH!

Snape: There we go, there we go! Floating nicely on the lake, just as she ought! Well done, Lockhart. (looks at castle) Of course, I no longer have a place of employment, so I may have some trouble with boat maintenance costs.

Flitwick: Is somebody going to throw me me a life preserver, please? (squid picks him up and puts him on board) Thank you.

Lockhart: Well, well, I didn't really expect that entire wall to give way. Still, you ought to thank me: you might never have realized how weak the mortar was down there until...until..

Dumbledore: Until some disaster removed half the castle's foundation?

Lockhart: Yes, precisely!

Sprout: Oh, my! That looks unsafe. We'll have to close the school.

Dumbledore: And refund tuition for the rest of the year? I think you exaggerate the danger, Pomona! We'll have it slapped into shape in no time. A few stones, a few coats of plaster...

Flitwick: All the more to be buried in when the mess falls over!

Snape: Life doesn't get any better than this.

(Everyone looks at Snape.)

Snape: I mean, come on! Look around you! A beautiful evening on the lake.....the gentle sound of water rushing from a thousand brooms' buckets...a warm breeze....and the silhoutte of a ruined castle against a glowing sunset. Almost...romantic, isn't it?

Everyone else: WHERE IS HAGRID WITH THAT BLASTED AXE?!

http://www.cosforums.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=16642

I apologize to those of you who were hoping for another installment...

There is a thread in magical Masterpieces called Harry Potter Demotivational Posters (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=33994) where people are taking posters from www.despair.com and refitting them with photos from the movies. As soon as I saw Despair.com's 'Meetings' poster, I knew what must be done!

Sorry, no news on Meeting 14...I still don't have enough ideas to start writing it.

For those avoiding all spoilers, here's a little spoiler-free treat (http://www.redrival.com/hammerhead/snape/hsmcartoonp.html) for you, anyway. :)

(Sorry for the delay in posting the full meeting! I forgot, after the spoiler poliicy ended!)

Hogwarts Staff Meeting 14

(Flitwick sits alone in the staff room, reading. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Trelawny enters.)

Flitwick: Ooh! Hello, Sybil. Something wrong?

Trelawny: Have you read this? (shakes a copy of the Half Blood Prince) Have you read this--this--

Flitwick: Not yet. I still had a lot of end of term essays to mark. I'm reading it now.

Trelawny: Of all the unmitigated gall! There's a scene in here where I actually--

Flitwick: DON'T TELL ME!!! DON'T TELL ME!!!

Trelawny: Yes, but, Filius--

Flitwick: NO SPOILERS, curse you Sybil! I want to enjoy the book!

Trelawny: Where's Joanne? This is TOTALLY unacceptable! This scene where I--

Flitwick: SHUT UP!! Don't talk about anything I haven't read yet!

Trelawny: Right. (pause) What page are you on?

Flitwick: Sybil....

(Snape enters, nods, and sits, pulling out a notebook and writing in it.)

Trelawny: Severus! I'm sure that YOU will agree with me that this book is an outrage. Why, in this scene, I---

Snape: Quiet. I'm writing.

Trelawny: But Severus!

Flitwick: What are you writing?

Snape: An addendum to the 'Spinner's End' chapter. I'm going to post it on a muggle fan website. It picks up right after the--

Flitwick: DON'T TELL ME!!! DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING!!! I haven't read the book yet! I'm reading it now!

Snape: Oh? How far along are you? Have you got to the scene yet where the borophagus eats Colin's undershorts?

Flitwick: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!! The next person to say a word about the book gets hit with an unbreakable itching hex!

Snape: (s*******, and returns to writing.)

Trelawny: Well, all I can say is that Joanne is going to get an earful!

(Staff members slowly trickle in. Eventually, Rowling and Weasley enter.)

Trelawny: WELL! THERE she is at last!

Rowling: Hullo! I see you've all got early copies. How do you like it?

Trelawny: LIKE it?! LIKE it?!

Weasley: I haven't read it yet. Who dies?

Flitwick: SHUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPP!

Snape: Trevor.

Flitwick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! Itchus Eternalis!!!!!!

Snape: (deflects curse) By the way, Joanne, I want a word as well. I'm not at all pleased with my role in your new book. When you had me--

Flitwick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! (gnaws Snape's ankle angrily)

Snape: Ow! Stop that!

Rowling: Trying your own hand at writing, Severus? What is it?

Snape: A continuation of Spinner's End for a fan-fiction website. (looks down at Flitwick) I hope he's not rabid.

Rowling: (reading over Snape's shoulder) Not a family-friendly site, then?

Snape: YOU set up the situation. I'm only carrying it out to its natural conclusion.

Rowling: (pointing at page) This is what you call 'natural?'

Snape: Haven't you ever done that? (smirks) Want to try?

Rowling: Ech. Filius, don't chew on that leg, you don't know where it's been.

Filius: (spitting out bits of black sock) I have NOT read the book yet, and ANYONE who discusses its secrets in my hearing will be cursed with the curse of a thousand curses!!!!

(silence)

Weasley: Never heard of it, but it sounds serious.

Rowling: What exactly is the problem, Severus?

Snape: Well, this scene where I...(eyes Flitwick)...where I do the you-know-what re you-know-who....

Rowling: Severus...remember when you asked me if you could thingamabob in the know-what-I-mean?

(long pause)

Snape: Should we be discussing this in front of your husband?

Rowling: For God's sake, Severus, take a cold shower!

Weasley: Or any shower.

Snape: Yes, but this ludicrous line where I say--er--and that terribly, ridiculously transparent...plot thingy.

Trelawny: Never mind him! I have been MALIGNED! Slandered! MOCKED!!!

Rowling: Didn't you go to that stupid protest meeting to demand a bigger role?

Hooch: It didn't do ME any good.

Sinistra: Nor me!

Trelawny: You have shown me in a state of...of...

Snape: Oh, what do you care? It happens to Hagrid in every book, and you don't hear him whining.

Hagrid: I think all the books have been fantastic!

Rowling: Right, and you don't see Minerva complaining about her scene dancing naked on the table during the Halloween feast.

Flitwick: AAIIIIIIIIGH!!!!! (readies wand)

Hagrid: Hang on, Filius, that wasn't really in the book!

Rowling: Oh--sorry, Filius. It is actually in there, though, I'm afraid.

Minerva: Not any more.

Rowling: What?

Minerva: (primly) I used the Expurgus Retroactivus to remove all reference to that highly inappropriate scene from the novel.

Rowling: You butchered my book???!!!

Snape: Expurgus Retroactivus? Never heard of that one. Can it be reversed? Can you use it (looks at notebook) to put inappropriate material INTO a book?

Rowling: Don't you DARE, Severus Snape!!!

Snape: Six hundred bloody forty-something pages of hormones popping out all over, and I don't get so much as a lick on the nose from Mrs. Norris!

Rowling: LISTEN TO ME, ALL OF YOU!

(silence)

Rowling: I want you all to remember this one fact: there WILL be a Book Seven! One last chance for you to look good in print. And who controls that chance? Who possesses the power of life and death and respectability over your literary alter egos? ME, that's who. So, three guesses who you'd better be nice to.

Trelawny: Oooh, I see what this is about. You're on a power trip!

Snape: Can I come along?

Rowling: Your fates lie in my hands! You are my puppets! My pawns! I hate to be trite, but in the absence of a more original term that conveys the proper sentiment, I must say; Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Trelawny: We'll see about that! You forget, you are not the SOLE power in control of the books! Wait till we hear what Dumbledore has to say about it.

Hagrid: Where IS Dumbledore?

Weasley: He said he'd be here. I'm sure he will.

(Everyone waits)

Snape: (mutters) So...if I'm nice to her...she'll do what I ask. But if I carry on being an obnoxious git, and simply ask her to do what I DON'T want her to....then...

(footsteps in hall)

Vector: Here he comes!

(Door opens, and Dumbledore walks in, carrying donuts.)

Dumbledore: So sorry I'm so late! I dozed off in the line at the donut shop. Up all night reading, of course. Silly, at my age.

Trelawny: And what did YOU think of the book?

Dumbledore: Delightful! Flawless! Gripping suspense! Kept me on the edge of my seat from start to finish!

Rowling: See? HE likes it!

Trelawny: But--but--what about that disgraceful scene--

Snape: And when Snotty pours the...er...what-d'you-call-it down the...and that scene where...you know?

Dumbledore: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but I loved the chase scene with the rhinoceros and the Origami Lethifold. And who'd have thought that the Minister of Magic would die of peanut allergies?

Flitwick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Dumbledore: Ow!! Whats wrong with Filius?

Rowling: Calm down, Filius, and stop chewing the nice Headmaster's ankle. He's joking. That's not in the book.

Dumbledore: It is.

Rowling: I never wrote that!

Dumbledore: Oh, you mean YOUR book. I haven't read it yet. I'm saving it to read on the beach in Bermuda. Last night I went to the midnight release party for the new Philibuster Hardbone mystery, Bloody Bludgers at Beauxbatons. Couldn't put it down. I am certainly looking forward to your book, though, Joanne. Enough so that anyone who tries to discuss the content with me beforehand will be instantly turned into a spotted quoll. Now, what were we all talking about?

(silence)

Weasley: Nothing.

Dumbledore: Well, I really only called this meeting to tell you all what a fine job you've done this year, and to wish you a lovely holiday! You're free to go. Take some donuts with you! Bon voyage! Bermuda, here I come! Has anyone seen my Bermuda shorts? (leaves)

Trelawny: WELL! (leaves)

(The staff members all depart, until only Snape, leaving, and Flitwick, reading, remain. Stepping out the doorway, Severus Snape pauses.)

Snape: Filius....

Flitwick: Yes?

Snape: Percy Weasley dies. (slams door and runs for it)

Flitwick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!!!!!!!

A city park somewhere in Scotland...an orchestra is setting up on the bandstand. The four house heads and Hagrid, in muggle clothes, stand under a tree.)

Snape: (wearing a long black trench coat, wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses) What an appallingly Muggle-infested environment. What are we doing here?

McGonagall: Oh, just enjoy it Severus.

Snape: Enjoy it? Do you know what this sun is doing for my complexion? I'll never live it down if I get a tan. And if I show up at the next meeting with freckles, the Death Eaters will laugh me out of town.

McGonagall: I still can't believe you started a Death Eaters club!

Sprout: That's just sick. Why would you base a club on a bunch of fictional muggle-killing psychopaths?

Flitwick: Makes me wonder what you do at the meetings...

Snape: (smirks) Wouldn't you like to know?

Hagrid: They play cards, drink beer, and blather on for hours about politics and Quidditch, that's what.

Snape: WHAT!? How do you-- Who said-- Did someone-- (takes deep breath) Hagrid, you haven't been spying on the sacred, secret rites of the Disloyal and Dishonorable Order of Death Eaters, have you?

Hagrid: Nah, that's just what all secret men's clubs do.

Snape: Oh...

Sprout: Pff! Figures.

Snape: Well, that's not all we do, you know. That's um...that's just the non-secret part of our secret and sacred rites. The secret part is too secret to be uttered in the hearing of non-members, and if any member should let the club secrets be torn from his lips, he will be forced to undergo the most horrible-

McGonagall: Nobody's interested any more, Severus. Now be quiet, the music's about to start.

Snape: Oh. Right. So, what do they play?

Flitwick: A selection of Gilbert and Sullivan tunes, I understand.

Snape: Ech.

Sprout: Don't you like Gilbert and Sullivan?

Snape: So far I've managed to avoid exposure, though I was once trapped in an elevator with a Muzak version of 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' until I hexed the speaker.

McGonagall: That's Simon and Garfunkel, Severus!

Snape: Same thing.

Flitwick: No it's not! Gilbert and Sullivan wrote English comic operettas in the 1800's. I used to go to see them in the theater as a boy.

Snape: All I know is, if we HAVE to meet at a concert, Fyshegutz is having a heavy-metal jam-it-up-yours session tonight, just four streets away.

McGonagall: And if we were meeting there, you'd be griping about THAT.

Snape: (looks at McGonagall) Who gave you a copy of my operating instructions?

Flitwick: You'll love Gilbert and Sullivan, yacht-boy! All sorts of nautical stuff, like The HMS Pinafore and The Pirates of Penzance. Listen. They’re playing the overture from The Mikado--everyone loves The Mikado!

Snape: Mc Odd-o? What, is it about a Scottish pervert?

Flitwick, McGonagall and Sprout: NO!!!

McGonagall: Look, Severus, Gilbert and Sullivan is REQUIRED LISTENING

Sprout: You can hardly call yourself British if you've never heard any.

Snape: Well, then, I'll have to be a Prussian...or French or Turk or Russian...or perhaps Italian.

Flitwick: AH HA!!!!!

Snape: Eh?

Flitwick: You DO know Gilbert and Sullivan! You just quoted it! That's HMS Pinafore!!

Snape: I have no idea what you're talking about. Look, whose idea was it to meet here, anyway?

Dumbledore: (appearing suddenly, singing) I am the very model of a modern Hogwarts Headmaster,
Although in student days in terms of grades I came in dead laster,
I flatter all the parents and convince 'em that their progeny,
Are geniuses, and as for questions, I can always dodge any.
I fill out tons of grant requests by means both fair and sinister,
I know just how to twist the arm of the Financial Minister,
And keep the Hogwarts budget figures in the black and padded well...
Hmmm...padded well...padded well...

Snape: (Whispers to Flitwick) And somehow has not yet been thrown into St. Mungo's padded cell!

Flitwick: AH HA! You DO know Gilbert and Sullivan!

Snape: No, just making a rhyme. I doubt Sylvan and Gulliver ever knew about St. Mungo's.

McGonagall: Er, Albus, shouldn't you be in Muggle dress?

Dumbledore: "I'm a dead man, and I'm off on my honeymoon!"

Flitwick: The Mikado!

Dumbledore: What I mean to say is that Joanne killed me in her book, and therefore, any Muggle recognizing me will not see me. I have it on fairly good authority that Muggles refuse to see dead people.

Sprout: That's...interesting. Where did you hear that?

Dumbledore: Beetlejuice, backed up by The Sixth Sense and various other scholarly Muggle works.

Snape: (mutters) They still see Elvis.

Dumbledore: Of course, you know why we are meeting here in the park...

McGonagall: So you can call it recreation and not have to pay us for the time.

Sprout: So you can weasel out of buying donuts.

Flitwick: Because you've been mouthing off about the Minister of Magic again and the Unmentionables have bugged the staff room!

McGonagall: Unspeakables.

Flitwick: Whatever.

Dumbledore: (looks at Snape) You haven't made any wisecracks, Severus. Yet.

Snape: I feel my views have been adequately represented already.

Dumbledore: (gives them all a dirty look) It's so we can avoid letting...certain staff members know what we're discussing.

Snape: Come over here, where the Chancellor of the Exchequer can't hear us.

Dumbledore: Precisely--

Flitwick: The Mikado!!! AH HA!

Snape: Eh?

Flitwick: You were quoting from The Mikado, Severus, don't deny it!

Snape: No, really, that's the Muggle Chancellor of the Exchequer over there. Anything he overhears might get back to the Minister of Magic. And Fudge is SO annoyed with us, after Joanne had him deposed in the books...

Dumbledore: Ah, well, snits come and go, and so do public servants. I'm more concerned with Joanne's shocking abuses of power. She's been holding Book 7 over my head lately to force me to baby sit.

Hagrid: She’s got me doing all her yard work.

Snape: Ron's been trying to blackmail me into letting him join the Disloyal and Dishonorable Order of Death Eaters, and Joanne has been blackmailing me to keep turning him down.

Dumbledore: That's just the sort of thing I'm talking about. I mean, all’s fair in love and publishing, but who knows how long it will take to get Book 7 written? Especially when, until the book is finished, we are all at her mercy?

Flitwick: Well, we all joined together to write Book 5, when Joanne was dragging her feet. Let's do it again!

McGonagall: Are you joking? It's the end of term! OWLS! NEWTS! Exams! There's no time, even if I wasn't wallpapering the entire inside of Joanne's house!

Sprout: Are you? She has me painting the outside.

Flitwick: I'll try not to drop any roofing shingles on your head, Pomona.

Hagrid: Maybe the Masked Flash could find us some writing time...

Snape: Oddly enough, a recent Ministry raid on the Death Eaters' clubhouse resulted in the government seizure of the Masked Flash's unlicensed time turner, a live moa, and a tyrannosaur-egg omelet. The club members claim to have no clue how the curiosities happened to be on the premises.

Dumbledore: It makes no difference-Joanne must be stopped!

Snape: Yes! I'll go to her and say to her, Bah to you! Ha ha to you! Boo to you! Pooh-pooh to you-

Flitwick: PATIENCE!

Snape: No! We've been patient long enough! It's time-

Flitwick: I mean the play! You're quoting from Gilbert and Sullivan's Patience!

Snape: Eh?

Flitwick: Arrrrgh!

Dumbledore: IF we can have silence (glares at Snape and Flitwick) I realize we don't have the time to write this ourselves. Therefore, I am trying to suggest hiring a ghost writer. Without our knowing it, we have had one of the best in the business right at Hogwarts!

McGonagall: Well, where is this wonder?

Snape: And will he or she work for the pathetic pittance with which we will try to fob him or her off?

Baron: I do it for my art, not for the money...

Teachers: EEEP!

Baron: I'm sorry, my essence isn't very visible in full sunlight...

Snape: Alas, poor ghost!

Filtwick: (mutters) Ruddigore!

Dumbledore: I think we are all acquainted with the Bloody Baron? Recently I discovered that he has a hobby of ghost-writing for important celebrities, and even filling in for deceased authors who are sick of their characters. The Baron has been responsible for Cornelius Fudge’s memoirs, the last five Philibuster Hardbone novels, as well as all of Gilderoy Lockhart's works.

Snape: You mean he doesn't even WRITE them himself?!

Dumbledore: So, Baron, you understand what we are up against. The final Harry Potter book should be, oh, say 1000 pages long and tie up all the loose plot ends nicely. Hogwarts staff members should all come off in a favorable light and survive the series.

Baron: And Harry and Voldemort?

All: Who bloody cares?!

Dumbledore: Just see to it that it has a happy enough ending that people keep forking out for the books!

Baron: Very well, I am on the job.

Hagrid: I think the concert’s over…

Sprout: People have stopped saying “Shhh!” in our direction, anyway.

Flitwick: Is that what it was? Thought it was raining…

Dumbledore: Well, I fear I must go soon. Baby minding duties await.

McGonagall: This situation is ridiculous. I hope you write quickly, Baron. We are all being held hostage!

Sprout: It’s intolerable!

Snape: With fury deep we burn!

Flitwick: We do!

Snape: We fume with smothered rage!

Flitwick: We do!

Snape: (Looks expectantly at Flitwick for a while, then pokes him.)

Flitwick: Eh?

Snape: Utopia, Limited. Are you telling me you didn’t recognize it?

Flitwick: Eh?

Snape: You only bloody came in on the chorus!

Flitwick: I was only agreeing with you, Severus. Hmm, Utopia Limited…isn’t that a really inferior, obscure play?

Snape: Pah, call yourself an expert…

Flitwick: Well, I am off. I need to buy some roofing tools before the shops close.

Sprout: The garden needs some looking after…

McGonagall: I have to prepare the exams for the year…

Snape: For that matter, I’ve got to get beer and crisps for tonight’s poker g---for tonight’s mystical, secret and sacred rites, I mean.

Dumbledore: Let’s be off then. Baron, we are all depending on you. Our futures are in your hands. Do your worst!

(Teachers disapparate)

Baron: Do my worst? I would have thought he’d want me to do my best. But there’s no accounting for taste, is there? Well, my worst it shall be, then…

[Cue opening music]
With the Hogwarts budget in the red and the school approaching bankruptcy, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore had a simple plan...he ordered Ancient Runes teacher J.K.Rowling to write a series of books about an imaginary student, for sale to Muggles.

[Switch music to 'O Fortuna']
Little did they realize that he was triggering a series of events which would lead to lawsuits, death, donut shortages, war, alien invasion, nude veela yacht parties, global warming, world ecomomic collapse, nuclear holocaust and alien invasion!

Rowling: What?!

A tender love story set in a world...that doesn't quite exist.
[Cue love theme]
Snape: Heya, Hot Cheeks, come here often?
Rowling: None of this happens in the Staff Meetings, Severus!
Snape: Hush, Joanne, you'll mess up the movie deal.
Rowling: We HAVE a movie deal already! With Warner Brothers! Haven't you been watching the Harry Potter films at all?
Snape: Oh, those. Well, Lucasfilm isn't likely to notice they're re-using some characters. The script's been rewritten from a very different point of view.
Rowling: WHOSE point of view, dare I ask?
George Lucas: Okay, let's get the naked veelas on the yacht for the first orgy scene!
Snape: (smirks)
Rowling: Albus! ALBUS!! If you want to be resurrected in Book 7, then DO something about Severus--NOW!
Dumbledore: (Enters in a speedo, carrying a beach chair, an umbrella cocktail and a bottle of suntan lotion) Don't worry, Joanne, I'll speak to Severus just as soon as we're done filming this scene...

[credits theme music swell]
A timeless tale of courage, tragedy, sex, and donuts: Hogwarts: The Staff Meeting! Coming soon to a theater near you!


Post feedback for this thread here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=2654236#post2654236).

(The staff room--only Dumbledore and the house heads are here.)

Dumbledore: This limited-edition staff meeting will please come to order. Thank you for agreeing to come early. Nobody touches the donuts until the main meeting begins, got it?

Flitwick: I'm the donut monitor! (waves wand threateningly.)

McGonagall: Really, are threats necessary?

Flitwick: Zappus staticus!

Sprout: Ouch! I was just testing your alertness. (sucks shocked finger and glares.)

Dumbledore: Are we certain we will not be interrupted?

McGonagall: When I left Joanne, she was playing Age of Mythology. Little cyclopses throwing elephants all over the place.

Dumbledore: Excellent! The Bloody Baron should be here at any moment to let us know how work is progressing on the seventh Harry Potter book.

McGonagall: Meanwhile, you may be interested to know that we've undertaken a subtle course of rebellion. As you know, Joanne demanded that I wallpaper her entire house. I have done so. (dramatic pause) But if she inspects the wallpaper carefully, she MAY notice that it's hung UPSIDE DOWN!

Dumbledore: Bravo Minerva!

McGonagall: Of course, it's not very noticeable where there are solid colors and checks, but soon or later she's bound to realize that the hot air balloons on little Mackenzie's nursery are flying the wrong way up.

Sprout: I've rebelled, too. Her house may look the shade of titanium white she thinks she ordered it painted, but wait till it rains, The outer coat will wash away, and her house will stand revealed in its new true color--eggshell white!

Flitwick: Zappus staticus!

McGonagall: Ouch!

Flitwick: I'd admire your daring rebellions more, if the two of you had been more daring.

Sprout: Oh, yes?

McGonagall: What did YOU do, then? I didn't notice any gaping holes in the roof!

Flitwick: No, but I did add a bat door to the attic....well, a pipistrelle door, actually.

Dumbledore: Hmph, I think you are all a bit lacking in the true spirit of rebellion.

Flitwick: Oh?

Sprout: Come on, now.

McGonagall: Out with it, what did YOU do?

Dumbledore: My work has been subtle and insidious. All I can say now is that when Mackenzie begins talking, her loving parents may be unpleasantly surprised at some of her first words.

Flitwick: What about you, Severus? You've been awfully quiet today.

Snape: (grumbles)

McGonagall: She knows better than to ask him to do anything. I suppose he's sulking because he hasn't had the opportunity to do something dreadful.

Flitwick: Zappus staticus!

Dumbledore: Ouch! Now, be kind, Minerva. Severus is actually sulking because the Lucasfilm movie deal didn't pan out.

McGonagall: Didn't it? Well, that's one thing we can be grateful for.

Flitwick: Sorry, Severus, but you have only yourself to blame. I saw the test scene. Shocking!

Sprout: Yes, what did you expect after that Veela debacle?

Dumbledore: Oh, the veela scene wasn't the trouble. Lucas loved it. He wanted to contract for a series of nine Hogwarts Staff movies: an original trilogy, a three-film prequel, and a three-film sequel which he would forget offering to make and claim he never meant to. It was Severus who turned him down.

McGonagall: You're joking.

Dumbledore: Creative differences, I understand.

Sprout: Severus?!

Flitwick: Really? After all those veelas giving you massages, and skinny-dipping off your yacht in the test footage?

Snape: The veela...were CGI...

McGonagall: What?

Snape: ...ALL of them!

McGonagall: CGI?

Snape: He intended to film the WHOLE thing in CGI. All I did was park in a beach chair on a blue screen.

McGonagall: Well, I don't understand this at all....

Snape: Neither do I! I mean, where's the realism? I mean, where's the sincerity? I mean, WHERE are the VEELA?!

McGonagall: No, I mean, what the heck is CGI?

Snape: Leave me to my pain.

Flitwick: Zappus staticus!

Snape: Ouch! Miserable little excuse for a leprechaun.

Flitwick: Zappus staticus! Zappus staticus! Zappus staticus! Zappus staticus! Zappus staticus! Zappus staticus!

Snape: Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Dumbledore, DO something!

Dumbledore: Now, Filius, settle down.

Flitwick: I'll leprechaun YOU, bub.

Baron: Oh, hello...I hope I am not interrupting.

Dumbledore: Not at all! We've been waiting for you eagerly! Do you have the outline?

Baron: (hands out sheets of paper) Here is a synopsis of the plot for Book Seven. I have a few sample pages of completed prose as well.

(Silence as everyone reads.)

(McGonagall and Flitwick suddenly look at one another...and edge their chairs further apart.)

Baron: Ah, I see you've got to the love scene. I always believe a little romance is essential in a book of this sort.

McGonagall: (Coldly) Severus, did you help write this scene?

Snape: You know, everything isn't ALWAYS my fault.

(More silence)

Dumbledore: You have me reincarnated...as talking lawn furniture?

Baron: The Phoenix rises again!

Sprout: All I do in the book is water the flowers on the tomb!

Baron: A vital touch of pathos!

Snape: Maybe I missed something at the end, but it isn't really clear whether I end up as a hero or villain...

Baron: Severus, ever the man of mystery! And to better delineate your role as the inscrutable unknown, you speak only in cryptic rhyming riddles!

Snape: What rhymes with 'sucks?'

Baron: Allow me to read you from one of my sample pages. Here's from prospective Chapter 17: The Nigellus Code:

--------------------------

"Suicide?" said Harry blankly. "But Hermione, you must be wrong. Why would Draco Malfoy kill himself to show me the way to destroy the Ringcrux of Doom?"

"But don't you see, Harry?" said Hermione with frustration. "With his father in Azkaban and his mother insane and dancing the Mazurka in Picadilly, death was the only way Draco could communicate."

It didn't make sense to Harry, but nothing made sense to him any more: not since Hermione had broken up with him after breaking up with Ron and was now reputedly snogging Gregory Goyle in the greenhouses after class.

He stared down at how Draco had arranged his own disemboweled intestines into the shape of a space station.

"That's it!" he said to Hermione suddenly, pointing at where Draco had cleverly deposited his spleen. "If I fly my broom down the trench, I can cast the Ringcrux into the Thermal Exhaust Port o'Doom and blow up Voldemort's space fortress! Truly, the war of the Ringcrux was won upon the Quidditch pitch of Hogwarts!"

"But how will you get the Nuclear Lost Ark of the Merlinites away from Voldemort? He could stop you by unleashing the wrath of the cosmos and destroying the world in one fell mushroom cloud!"

Harry frowned. It had slipped his mind that Voldemort had the Ark. It was hard to remember everything when you're dying from Necrotic Irreversible Trenchant Wizard Immune Transvestitism and had only forty-five minutes to live.

Suddenly Snape appeared. "Foul demon!" said Harry. "Have you come to torment me with yet another of your evil riddles?"

Snape merely smirked and said, "Potions bubble but dungbombs explode, Merlin's ark from Voldie must be towed. Distract the Dark Lord to save your fate. Red-headed buddies make excellent bait!"

"What a strange and uncanny riddle, Harry!" said Hermione. "Can you make any sense of it? I fear that my brains have been sucked out by too much snogging. On the plus side, it looks like Gregory may actually graduate, now."

Harry frowned. "I just need to concentrate," he said, "and to talk to the lawn chair."

---------------------------------------------


Dumbledore: Thank you, Baron, for that....most interesting look into your...concept. I think that will be sufficient.

Baron: Oh, you liked it, then? Wonderful!

McGonagall: Baron....words can not express...I am...at a loss...

Baron: Yes, I am particularly fond of that scene as well...

Flitwick: It boggles the mind, I'll admit that.

Baron: And thank YOU sir!

Sprout: Not to be rude, Baron, but...it's pure manure.

Baron: Ah, yes, the fragrant source of life without which no flowers would grow! A potent compliment, especially from you, milady!

Snape: Let me try. Bloody Baron, what you write, is sickening, awful, bad and trite. Without a single sentence omitting, your words could be used for inducing vomiting.

(Silence)

Baron: You...don't like it then?

Dumbledore: We most sincerely appreciate the effort.

Baron, WELL, Severus Snape, I can take a little criticism, and even if you are a heathen philistine with no taste or literary sophistication who should never have been admitted to my house in view of your soggy brain and animal ancestry, the rest of the staff loved it, so four against one.

McGonagall: Er...

Flitwick: Hmmm....

Baron: I have a good mind to show it to the rest of the teachers, just to reinforce upon you your complete lack of discrimination in reading material. I'm sure that Joanne, as a fellow writer--

Dumbledore: Er, no--don't show it to anyone else! That will be quite enough, Baron, we like the book as it is, and will take it with no further work necessary.

Baron: But...I haven't fleshed out the book yet!

Snape: Draco sounds as fleshed-outed as necessary.

Dumbledore: We like it...AS IS.

Sprout: We do! Mustn't change a word of it!

McGonagall: It’s art! Don't touch it!

Flitwick: And please, please don't read any more. It's too emotionally overpowering.

Baron: Oh. Well, then. I suppose the job is at an end. Unless you want a sequel--

All: NO!

Baron: Quite right, Sequels are declassé, are they not? Well, then...goodbye. (Fades away.)

Dumbledore: (waits) I believe our good Baron is indeed gone. I fear that these golden words of prose are so fine that they must never be read again, for fear of cheapening them. Am I right?

(Everyone nods)

Dumbledore: (Tosses pages into fireplace) That was a narrow escape. Well, then--on to Plan B!

McGonagall: What is Plan B?

Dumbledore: I don't know. Any ideas? Why should I have to come up with all the plans?!

Flitwick: Er...Albus?

Dumbledore: Yes?

Flitwick: I don't want you to worry, but when you threw the manuscript on the fire...

Dumbledore: Yeees?

Flitwick: Well...those looked like Floo flames to me.

Dumbledore: Oh, dear...

Flitwick: Donut, anybody?

Post feedback for this thread here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=2654236#post2654236).

Hogwarts Staff Meetng 17

Dumbledore: this staff meeting will come to order. First order of business—

Rowling: The Malfoy cousins!

Dumbledore: (glaring at Rowling) –the book.

Rowling: the book is proceeding nicely, thank you. On to the Malfoy cousins.

Dumbledore: Joanne, isn’t it true that you recently attended a reading with a large audience, in which you assured your fans that I am, in fact, dead as a donut?

Flitwick: (hastily puts a donut back in the box.)

Rowling: Yes, that’s right. About the Malfoy cousins…

Dumbledore: Well, isn’t that going to harm your reputation for truthfulness, when your fans get Book Seven and read my triumphant, phoenix-like return?

Rowling: No they won’t, because it’s not going to happen.

Dumbledore: But—

Rowling: You are dead. D. E. A. D. Dead dee-dead dead dead diddly-oh doh dead.

Dumbledore: I thought we had an arrangement!

Rowling: So did I.

Dumbledore: I thought that if I mowed your lawn all summer, took your children to the swimming baths and Quidditch practice, eliminated the spiders in your attic and scrubbed your floors, you’d agree to—

Rowling: About the Malfoy cousins…

Dumbledore: (Censored) the Malfoy cousins!

McGonagall: Oh, let her get it over with, Albus. Then maybe we can talk.

Rowling: None of you use computers, of course, so you will be unaware that Draco and Regis Malfoy have a website, on which they sell pre-written homework essays.

Sprout: Well, of COURSE we know about that, dear!

Rowling: Do you?

McGonagall: We’re teachers, for heaven’s sake!
Weasley: Hey! Nobody told ME!

Flitwick: At least once a month, one of my students will try to pass off a Malfoy Cousins product as their own work, and I have to give them a detention.

McGonagall: A detention? I give them a whole WEEK of detentions!

Hagrid: I give ‘em a month feeding the skrewts!

Sprout: What do you give them, Severus?

Snape: Oh, generally about a 74%.

All: What?!

Snape: Well, as I see it, they are learning valuable real-life skills. Internet research, stress avoidance, and taking credit for other peoples’ work. All in high demand in today’s junior management market.

Hagrid: Yeh, that’s why I reward ‘em, too.

Snape: Besides, it saves me from trying to read Crabbe’s spelling and Goyle’s handwriting.

McGonagall: But Severus, what kind of moral lesson are they learning from this cheating? Who would think of hiring such a reprobate?

Snape: Well, Rufus Scrimgeour has a single opening for a student intern, and is aggressively recruiting both of the boys. Unfortunately, there have since been an awful lot of ‘accidents’ happening in Slytherin involving wires stretched over stairwells, and hidden trap doors under carpets, so I may have to nudge at least one of the mischievous lads toward law school before some innocent bystander, possibly myself, gets killed.

Rowling: If we can get back on topic….

Sprout: I thought we WERE on topic.

Flitwick: What is the topic?

Dumbledore: The book.

Rowling: The Malfoy Cousins website! Recently, in addition to the homework, they’ve opened an entertainment section where they post ‘spoilers.’

Snape: You mean, like, putting ‘SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE!’ on message boards?

Rowling: (handing out print-outs) Exactly. People can pay to get pre-release information on various forms of entertainment. Insider gossip on the next issue of Marvin Miggs, for example. Or, as you can see, they also scan Japanese manga and post them with their own translations before the English language version comes out—

McGonagall: (reading) You bad boy are a breeze’s dream, my heart shivers in a butterfly rainbow ecstasy banjo-string.

Rowling: I didn’t say they were good translations. But interestingly enough, while I was checking to see if the bishies get naked yet in the next-uh, I mean, while I was investigating these illegal materials, I came across this interesting little volume of…Harry Potter Book Seven, the Rough Draft.

(Pause)

Dumbledore: Goodness gracious…

Rowling: In which Harry dies to destroy Voldemort’s last Horcrux, leaving his mentor, the lawn chair, to fight the final battle with his Woven Wicker Katana of Justice.

Dumbledore: Er…

McGonagall: Well, those Malfoy boys have imagination, I must give them that!

Dumbledore: (summons house elf) Winky! Get Draco and Regis Malfoy in here, at once!

Winky: yes, Mister Headmaster sir! (Opens door. Draco and Regis fall in.) Will that be all?

Dumbledore: (sternly) Regis, were you listening at that door AGAIN?

Regis Malfoy: Well—(Draco smacks him.)

Draco Malfoy: Not a word until our lawyer arrives!

Rowling: Don’t worry, boys. We only have some questions about your website.

(Draco and Regis make lip-zipping motions.)

Dumbledore: We’re not even going to shut down your homework business. We just want to discuss your more, er…creative ventures.

Regis: Oh, crikey, they’ve found the porn site! (Draco smacks him.)

Winky: Will that be all mister Headmaster, sir?

Rowling: Tell me, Draco, do you recognize this?

Draco: Yeah, it’s Harry Potter and the Goblin’s Hemorrhoid. HEY! Where did you get that from?

Rowling: Off your website.

Draco: You’re not a paid subscriber!

Rowling: I’m the Ancient Runes teacher. How hard do you think it was to crack the password Ferretz_ruul?

Dumbledore: Draco, there’s a good lad—we’ve all been enjoying your version of Book 7. How long did it take the two of you to write?

Winky: Anybody else want something?

Draco Malfoy: Write? We didn’t write it. It’s legit!

Dumbledore: Er, well, yes. I understand that you must say so for business purposes. In all honesty, though—

Regis Malfoy: Honest, somebody flooed it to us! The same way we got The Grindlewald Diaries and Professor McGonagall’s Confessions.

Snape: What’s your web address again?

Winky: Anybody? Tea? Biscuits? Pumpkin jalapeno poppers?

Rowling: He says he didn’t write it.

Dumbledore: And since when have any of us believed a word the boy says? (Grabs Draco by the shirt.) I’m sure…if you think VERY HARD, Draco…you’ll find it’s worth your time to confess writing this book.

Draco Malfoy: (looking shifty) Yeah?...Yeah! Suddenly I remember. It took us weeks and weeks. Wore out twenty quills. Isn’t that so, Regis?

Regis Malfoy: Um, yeah…I guess.

Dumbledore: A most amusing little Internet hoax! I’d have done the same as a cheeky youngster myself…if I had had a computer…and if there had been an Internet…and if anyone had invented—

Rowling: Funny thing, though. If you take Page 666, eliminate every third line, put the letters in reverse order, and then apply Merlin’s Apothegm to it, it spells out “By the Bloody Baron, as commissioned by Albus Dumbledore.”

Dumbledore: How…how very curious.

Rowling: I AM the Ancient Runes teacher, after all.

Winky: Winky can wait all day, if necessary…

Dumbledore: Joanne, dear—

Rowling: You tried to steal the series from me!

Dumbledore: I was only—

Rowling: And that did it. You are dead. You are SOOO dead!

Snape: Joanne, you seem to be forgetting something. If he’s dead, then you’ve made me a murderer!

Rowling: Severus, for pity’s sake! From the very start of the books you complained and said you wanted to be a villain and try to murder the headmaster!

Snape: But it’s different now!

Rowling: HOW is it different?!

Snape: I LIKE the Dumbledore in your books!

Dumbledore: Thank you so MUCH, Severus!

Winky: Tonight, Winky gets to give a speech at the Elf Temperance Society’s annual dinner…

Snape: But what about my fans? What can I tell them? The few loyal supporters I have left are all hiding out together in an old air-raid shelter as it is.

Rowling: Hiding out?

Snape: Fortunately, they have cake.

Rowling: Hiding out from whom, exactly?

Snape: From fans of the villains, of course.

Rowling: Voldemort’s fans?

Snape: No, no—that gang of thugs.

Rowling: The Death Eaters?

Snape: No, the what-do you call thems. You know, the spoiled rich bully, his psychotic, violent, vicious, inbred friend, the spineless slacker prefect, the pudgy flattering traitorous suck-up, and the redheaded moll with the big mouth.

Rowling: The Marauders?! The Marauders aren’t villains!

Snape: So YOU say. (Pulls a can marked SACF out of his pocket and rattles it) Care to contribute to the life-support of my fans? They’re apparently going to need it.

Winky: And after the dinner, the Elf Temperance Society parade!

Rowling: Get that can out of my face. I’m not contributing to a lot of deluded loons with poor character judgment.

Snape: Everyone else donated. Most generously.

McGonagall: But—SACF—I thought you were collecting for South African Children!

Snape: No, it’s the Snape’s Army Cake Fund.

Flitwick: (sighs) I wonder if there’s a Flitwick’s Army anywhere?

Hagrid: It’d have to be small…OW! OW! NO! I DIDN”T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!!!

Winky: Winky doesn’t want to be late for the annual fist fight with the Elf Winemaker’s Union.

Draco: So, um…does everything you say at these meetings go into the minutes?

Regis: And aren’t the minutes, like, public documents?

(Everyone looks at Malfoys.)

Dumbledore: Thank you for your assistance, young men. You may go now.

Draco Malfoy: But—

Dumbledore; NOW!

(Malfoys exit, in haste.)

Rowling: Now, I realize that some of you may be rather upset with me. But at this point, the books have become more than a fund-raising commodity. They are art. They are classics. I have to follow my muse and write them as I think they ought to be written, not just thrash them out so as to make everybody happy. Think about it—just a little while ago, I was on a stage with John Irving and Stephen King, and Salman Rushdie was asking me questions!

Hagrid: Who the heck are they?

Rowling: (Smirks) That’s what the audience said, too.

Flitwick: Winky, please bring me a butterbeer. (Glares at Rowling) And put a BIG HEAD on it. (Winky exits)

Rowling: Pardon me, now, I must work. I am the Shakespeare of my age, and must leave my impression on the world!

Snape: And how do you mean to do that?

Rowling: Well, the original did it by littering the stage with corpses. Must rush, just had a fantastic idea for the next chapter—ta! (exits)

Winky: Demon Butterbeer will be the ruin of Master Flitwick! Winky refuses to be an enabler! (Splats mug upside-down on Flitwick’s head.) Winky will brag about this at tonight’s meeting! Winky is off! (disapparates)

(Silence)

Sprout: (singing) How do you solve a problem like Joanne R.?
How do you—?

Snape: Shut…Up.

Flitwick: (dripping butterbeer) Do we have any non-temperate house elves? I think I want this upgraded to a brandy and soda.

(silence)

McGonagall: (laughs) Oh, my…I just had the most wonderful idea! A surefire plan to get Joanne back on track!

Snape: Does it involve taking her children hostage? If so, forget it. I’ve done enough baby minding.

Sprout: We ALL have.

McGonagall: No more baby minding, no more house painting, and it’s all beautifully simple! Gather round, everyone…

(Everyone huddles together.)

McGonagall: (whispers) Well—

THUMP!

Owl: Whoo!

Snape: Where’d this bloody great owl come from?!

Dumbledore: (taking letter) From the board of governors! It’s marked ‘Urgent.’ (stares) Why…Minerva, it’s for YOU!

McGonagall: (reads) Oh, my…”Dear Professor McGonagall, We were very upset to hear of the death of Albus Dumbledore, and offer our condolences to you and the staff….most respected…finest headmaster we ever….memorial plaque in the trophy room”…goodness gracious me, “and we request that you take over the school, and hereby give you full authority as headmistress!”

Sprout: Congratulations, dear!

Dumbledore: But, of course, you must notify them as to their mistake.

McGonagall: Yee-e-e-esss….I suppose. Once I’ve got one or two things taken care of.

Dumbledore: Minerva!

McGonagall: Just a few little changes, Albus, don’t get in a swivet.

Dumbledore: Egad, I have another power-mad woman on my hands! Severus! Do something!

Snape: Minerva…Headmistress…who is your acting deputy going to be?

McGonagall: I hadn’t even considered that yet, Severus.

Snape: Well, why don’t you let me take you to dinner, and we’ll discuss the..possibilities.

Flitwick: Not without me you don’t!

Sprout: Or me!

(They exit)

Hagrid: Well, can you believe that!

Dumbledore: Outrageous!

Hagrid: (getting teary-eyed) An’ you not even cold in yer grave!

Dumbledore: I’m NOT DEAD!

Hagrid: Oh, yeah.

Dumbledore: Silly woman. If she’s running around playing headmistress, who does she think is going to be head of Gryffindor?!

Hagrid: Oh…yeah. ‘S’right, they’ll need a new house head, won’t they? ‘Scuse me a mo’ Headmaster. (runs out) WAIT FOR ME!

Dumbledore: Bah.

(Silence)

Dobby: (appears) Oh! Sorry, Headmaster, Dobby was just going to clear away the donut crumbs. Dobby thought the room was empty.

Dumbledore: Dobby…do I look dead to you?

Dobby: No, Headmaster!

Dumbledore: Do I sound dead? Do I feel dead?

Dobby: No, Headmaster!

Dumbledore: Do I smell dead?

Dobby: Headmaster shouldn’t ask questions which Headmaster doesn’t want to hear the answers to. Is there a problem?

Dumbledore: It seems that I have officially been misclassified as dead, and must prove my continued existence in as public a manner as possible. Isn’t there a Quidditch game in Northumberland this afternoon?

Dobby: Yes, Dobby heard it’s a most important game—the Tornadoes against the Wasps! Thousands of wizards will be there watching, and thousands more listening to it on the Wizard Wireless, Master Headmaster.

Dumbledore: Then it is there I must go. And when I have arrived, when the game is at its height, then I must engage in a most ancient and honorable ritual…one which will ensure that every eye in the stadium is on me and filled with the knowledge that I am alive, gloriously alive!

Dobby: An ancient ritual, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: Yes, Dobby. And it is called…STREAKING!

Dumbledore: This staff meeting--where is everybody?

Hooch: If they can’t be on time, start without them!

Sprout: Minerva is in the new staff bathroom. (opens door, and singing can be heard.) Minerva! Meeting time!

McGonagall: (Dripping, in bath robe and tartan shower cap) Three hours as Headmistress, and I got us the staff bathroom you’ve been waffling about for twelve years, Albus. Ha!

Dumbledore: Are Filius and Severus in there playing sailboats?

McGonagall: Not that I noticed.

Dumbledore: Well, bugger them, then. This staff meeting will please come to order. The first order of business is: Welcome to the start of another joy-filled day of education and enlightenment at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!!

Vector: I thought you were dead…

Dumbledore: Good, we’re learning something already.

(Snape and Flitwick enter)

Snape: Sorry we’re late!

Flitwick: It wasn’t our fault! We had an urgent owl from Horace Slughorn. He needed Severus to whip up an antidote for him, quickly.

Sprout: Oh, dear—what happened?

Snape: The old fool went on a Rio Night Life package tour, and accidentally ended up with the African Safari tour group instead.

Flitwick: Yes, and they were on a river floating through the forest, and a snake fell into the boat.

Snape: The guide pointed at the deck and screamed “Mamba! Mamba!”

Flitwick: So Horace jumped up and started dancing.

Snape: Filius got a “Get Well you Blithering Idiot” card, if anyone wants to sign it.

Dumbledore: Yes, please pass it around…now, on with the meeting. There will be a slight change in the Hogsmeade weekend schedule this--

Hooch: What’s this I hear about secret meetings going on?

Dumbledore: Secret meetings?

Trelawny: Don’t deny it! You’ve been meeting with the house heads and Joanne! You even had a secret meeting right before this one! My inner eye saw everything.

Dumbledore: Perhaps you need an inner monocle.

Hooch: Besides, it’s all over the internet!

Dumbledore: What? Nonsense!

Hooch: If we had a computer here—

Snape: Hang on— (opens computer) What address?

McGonagall: What is that?

Snape: My laptop computer. Sweet, isn’t it? It’s new.

Rowling: That must have set you back a bit.

Snape: Yes, but after the trauma of being depicted as a murderer, I felt I deserved a treat, and I happened to have a bit of extra cash on hand—

McGonagall: Not the Snape’s Army Cake Fund, by any chance?

Snape: Possibly…

Rowling: Shame on you! What will your fans think?

Snape: My fans are lovely, kind-hearted people who want me to be happy.

Rowling: Let them eat cake, eh? Or rather, not.

Snape: They’ve got cake. Cake is cheap. So nobody cares.

McGonagall: I care! I donated to your ridiculous fund!

Snape: I thanked you, didn’t I?

McGonagall: My donation was NOT intended to be spent on that muggle toy! I want it back!

Snape: Fine. Want a refund? (pops the ‘Q’ key off the keyboard and hands it to her.) That’s about your share. Fortunately the Loyal Order of Death Eaters was more drunk- -er, generous when I asked them to contribute. Now, what are we looking for?

Hooch: Let me. (types into computer.) There!

Dumbledore: (reading) Hogwarts Staff Meetings…

McGonagall: Oh, my…

Dumbledore: (summons house elf) Fetch the Malfoy cousins at once, please.

Rowling: While we’re waiting…I know there’s been a lot of bad feeling about the way I’ve been writing lately, so I’ve decided to give you a chance to voice your preference for the futures of your characters in Book Seven.

Snape: Why, does your lawn need mowing again?

Rowling: (ignoring him) I want you all to tell me how you want to die in the upcoming bloodbath.

Dumbledore: Lovely. I want to go out heroically battling Voldemort.

Rowling: Forget it, you’re done already. Anyone else?

Hagrid: I want to go out heroically battling Voldemort.

Rowling: Fat chance. How about ‘Eaten by Dragons?’

Hagrid: Well, better than leaving them go hungry, I guess…

Rowling: Anybody else?

McGonagall: I want to go out heroically battling Voldemort.

Rowling: Sorry. How about a tragic betrayal by a Slytherin student leading to your murder by the Carrows?

Snape: I want—

Rowling: This had better not involve a team of highly trained Veela, Severus.

Snape: Of course not! I want to die heroically battling Voldemort.

Rowling: No!

Snape: Or, alternately, to be slain as I attempt to escape after strangling the Ancient Runes teacher…

Rowling: Listen, everyone, only Harry gets to die heroically battling Voldemort!

Draco: (eagerly) So Harry dies, then?

Rowling: Yes! No! Maybe! Where the devil did you come from?

Regis: The elf said we were wanted.

McGonagall: (mutters) That’s debatable.

Flitwick: I want to die heroically battling Fenris and his legion of Death Eater werewolves!

Rowling: Sorry, Filius, Lupin gets that battle.

Flitwick: Poo!

Draco: Are these book spoilers? How do I die?

Rowling: You and your rotten cousin are speared through the heart in a freak accident involving Rita Skeeter’s quick-quotes quill.

Regis: Yay! I make it into the last book!

Sprout: Doesn’t ANYONE survive?

Rowling: Maybe. Possibly. Well, okay, here’s a spoiler: Peeves lives.

Filch: (from hallway) Noooooooooooooo!

Draco: More material for Spoilers.com! Hoo hoo!

Dumbledore: Let’s put the book discussion on a back burner while the c. h. i. l. d. r. e. n. are present.

Draco & Regis: Hey!

Dumbledore: Boys, what’s this I hear about your having put the minutes of our staff meetings online?

Draco: We didn’t do it.

Regis: We’re just sorta leaking them to an unscrupulous Muggle who thinks they‘re funny.

Dumbledore: But you’re making the staff look like fools!

Draco: I think nature beat us to that…

Regis: They’re public records! Everyone is entitled to have access to the minutes.

Sprout: Yes, but nobody ever wanted to before!

Flitwick: I’m trying to remember if I said anything embarrassing today…

McGonagall: Who takes the minutes anyway?

Fat Friar: I do…it’s been my duty to record staff meetings for centuries.

Dumbledore: Well, let’s have a look at today’s.

(A sheaf of parchment materializes on the table, and the teachers lean over it.)

Dumbledore: Hmmmm….

Sprout: Ummm….

McGonagall: Well, this will have to go, for starters.

Flitwick: And we must remove this section…

Snape: Hay! Don’t edit MY lines!

Sprout: Yours need it the most! We can probably erase everything you’ve said.

Snape: I feel so…so CENSORED!

Fat Friar: (parchment vanishes) I’m sorry, but the minutes are inviolate. No editing or alterations permitted!

Dumbledore: Good heavens. Well, the only solution is to be very careful what we say from now on.

Snape: Eh? Self-censorship? But that’s--

McGonagall: We really ought to be using these meetings to discuss new teaching initiatives, budget and discipline problems, and official business only, anyway.

Snape: Quite.

Sprout: So, has anyone else read Ebenezer Pinchfarthing’s new book, School Budgeting in the Age of Merlin? I thought it was an excellent book, which put a new perspective on modern institutional spending practices.

Dumbledore: Yes, I quite enjoyed the parallel he drew between the role of Camelot’s royal treasury and Beauxbaton’s trust fund.

Flitwick: I noticed he seems to be biased toward a more dynamic and reciprocal model of fund accrual and disbursement.

Snape: I perceived that the undraped historical damozels and purveyors of piscine cadavers in the Arthurian fresco pictured on Page 723 were conspicuously missing vital anatomical details.

All: Severus!!!

Snape: Well, none of you can expect to keep up this farce of being respectable forever. I prefer not to even try.

Dumbledore: But it isn’t forever! Just make the attempt for the time being. I’m sure people will quickly lose interest in our meetings once the final book is published.

Flitwick: And when will that be? A year? Two years?

Draco: About two months, innit?

Staff: WHAT??!!

Rowling: Oh, yes. The book is with the publishers now. It’ll be out in July. Didn’t I mention it?

McGonagall: No, you did not!

Flitwick: So, why were you even asking about what we wanted?

Rowling: Well, I’m a bit bored now with the writing done, and I just thought it would be fun to know how you’d all have killed off your character. That’s all.

Snape: And how would YOU like to die, Joanne?

Dumbledore: Well, Joanne, congratulations on finishing the series!

Rowling: Thank you, Albus!

Dumbledore: Quite the feat…seven books, who’d have thought it when we started, eh? But you plugged away at it, and here we are at the end!

McGonagall: Yes, I suppose congratulations are in order…

Flitwick: Yes, sterling work! Well done! How did you ever manage it? Where do you get your ideas? And what happens to Flitwick in Book 7?

Rowling: Muahaha!

McGonagall: What I want to know is whether Harry survives.

Snape: I want to know what side Snape is on, and how many women he ends up with.

Dumbledore: Did Ron make it through? Is Voldemort dead? Is Hogwarts still standing?

Rowling: (snickers) You will all have to wait till July, and buy the book!

Draco: Or buy a membership to Spoilers.com. An adult membership is only three galleons a month, you know.

McGonagall: Get out.

Regis: We’ve got exclusive inside information! The author talks in her sleep, and we listened in! Oh, we also sell Extendable Ears online.

Rowling: You rotten little—

Draco: You’ve got no idea how much lolly we pull in every month. Give us more insider info, and we may even cut you in for a piece of the action, Jo-jo!

Regis: A SMALL piece.

Rowling: Forget it!

McGonagall: Albus, is there any reason for these boys to still be here?

Dumbledore: (looking away) Well, well…boys will be boys. Besides, they’ve made some really impressive donations to the Hogwarts Headmasters Retirement Fund lately…

Draco: Plus, we’ve got to talk to old Dumbles. We’re working on a deal to put vending machines in the Great Hall. We’re businessmen, you know.

Snape: What you are is scheming, conniving, underhanded little weasels. You’re a credit to your house.

Malfoys: Thank you!

Sprout: Albus, you can’t let them do it! All the students will be buying butterbeer and cockroach clusters for lunch, instead of the healthy, balanced meals we serve!

Dumbledore: Now, don’t get distressed. I’m just researching alternate methods of raising funds, now that the book thing is coming to an end.

Rowling: We’ll still have royalties for ages!

Dumbledore: But not forever, I suspect. And a headmaster must look to the future!

Draco: Besides, we’re not in food service. Butterbeer and candy? Bah! Products for small minds.

Regis: And small profits!

Draco: (unfolding sketches) Behold the glory of a Great Hall adorned with Malfoy Cousins vending machines!

Regis: The Prank-o-matic!

Draco: The Dungbomb Dispenser!

Filch: (from hallway) Nooooooooooo!

Sprout: Someone’s got to do something about that man eavesdropping…

Regis: The Internet Café!

Draco: The One-Armed Bandit!

McGonagall: A slot machine? GAMBLING?!! In HOGWARTS?!!

Dumbledore: Mmmph…still under discussion, of course…

Draco: Whoops, that one’s supposed to be in the staff room…

McGonagall: (hastily) Objection withdrawn.

Draco: (rolling up sketch) In any case, that’s all far in the future. In the meantime, we’d be willing to consider installing the slot machine early, as gesture of faith, in exchange for some inside information.

Regis: Is it Ron or Hermione who bites it in Deathly Hallows?

Rowling: Forget it!

Draco: (tosses her a business card) Suit yourself. Here’s where to contact me, if you come to your senses.

Rowling: I know where the Slytherin dormitory is!

Draco: Actually, we’ve taken offices in Hogsmeade and commute to school now.

Flitwick: You what?

Sprout: I’ve never heard of such a thing!

Snape: (coughs) They’ve also made some heavy contributions to the Slytherin House Head Retirement Fund…

Draco: Toodles! Think about what I’ve said, Jo-jo.

Regis: I’ll bet the Ancient Runes Professor Retirement Fund is just pathetic.

(They leave.)

(silence)

Dumbledore: So, Joanne, are your writing days through? Or will there be more Harry adventures in the future?

Rowling: Well, all the characters are dead now, you see. Um, I mean, MAYBE they’re dead! Actually, I may want to write something completely different. Like possibly the epic of a school that’s riddled with bribery, corruption, and organized crime.

Sprout: Poo, I hate realism in entertainment. So, tell me, Joanne—does Professor Sprout get to do anything in Book 7 before she joins the others in the mass grave?

Rowling: Wait and read the blasted book!

Post feedback for this thread here (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=2654236#post2654236).

(Soon to be reunited with the rest of the series, I hope...)

Earlier Staff Meetings can be found HERE. (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=3617)

Hogwarts Staff Meeting: Epilog (or possibly just #19)

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(Staff passes around the donut box)

Dumbledore: I suppose we must delay this meeting until Joanne arrives. No doubt she wants to make a big entrance…

McGonagall: And deservedly so! Severus, you ARE an imbecile, you know.

Burbage: Hmmph! I don’t think the book was so great.

Dumbledore: Perhaps you should have tried to show up at a staff meeting occasionally, Charity. Speaking of which, nice to see you here for a change.

Burbage: Hmmph!

Rowling: Good morning everybody!

(Staff stands, applauds)

Rowling: Thank you, thank you! I take it you enjoyed Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, then?

Burbage: No!

Rowling: Charity! Lovely to see you at a meeting! Poor dear, did you think I didn’t know who’s been pillaging from my chocolate drawer all these years?

Burbage: Urk!

Dumbledore: May I say I found your backstory of myself fascinating and moving?

Rowling: Thank you, Albus.

Dumbledore: Utter codswallop that it was, of course…

McGonagall: And the final battle! Finally we got to kick some evil patootie!

Flitwick & Sprout: WOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hagrid: I lived! Harry lived! (hugs Rowling) BOOOO HOOO HOOO!!

Trelawny: (sniffle) I UTTERLY forgive you for Book 6!

Dobby: (apparating) PROFESSOR ROWLING!!! Dobby has died…A HERO!!! Boldly protecting his friends with his very life! (sob) And even Kreacher is redeemed! (sob) Can Dobby bring you a pitcher of champagne? Or a barrel of caviar? Or anything?

Rowling: That’s all right,. Glad you aren’t upset. I did try to avoid slaughtering those persons with whom I actually have to work. Speaking of which…where’s Severus?

Flitwick: (points downward)

Snape: (Lies on floor, feet propped up on table, clutching a bundle of lilies to his chest.)

Rowling: Severus, what on earth are you doing down there?

Flitwick: You should know, you killed him.

Rowling: For heaven’s sake, get up, you ! Here—(picks up a donut)—by the power of the Resurrection Stone, I revive you! (drops donut on Snape’s head)

Snape: (mutters) Rubbish. People don’t come back from the dead in your books…

Rowling: (sigh) This looks like a job for the Inferius curse. Dobby, will you please bring me a large bucket of ice water?

Dobby: It will be VERY large and EXTREMELY cold, Professor Rowling!

Snape: (rising from the dead hastily) Hey! This is a new cloak!

Flitwick: IT’S ALIIIIIVE!!! IT’S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE—

Snape: Shut up, pipsqueak.

Rowling: I hope you will forgive me for murdering you, Severus. It was For the Greater Good.

Snape: No problem. In fact, I’m throwing myself a funeral this evening and you’re all invited. Bring a kazoo, you can jam with the Disloyal Order of Death Eaters Marching Band.

Dumbledore: The school has received many congratulatory postcards for you, Joanne. Among them is a cease-and-desist order from the Malfoy lawyers—

Rowling: No problem, the series is done.

Dumbledore: --and an outraged demand that you rewrite the book from page 1, as you’ve totally missed the point of the series and left out the main character completely…

Rowling: What? Who—

Dumbledore: …From Gilderoy Lockhart.

Rowling: Ah.

Dumbledore: And the big question from everyone seems to be: what are you going to do now?

Rowling: Oh, I think that for now I will simply rest on my laurels, take life easy, and go to Severus’a funeral.

Dumbledore: Thank you very much, Joanne. Thanks for the entertainment, the suspense, the questions, the answers, the characters and the marvelous world you’ve created.

Rowling: You’re welcome!

Dumbledore: The returns from our little project have saved the school and will support our profligate and riotous spending habits for some time to come. By the time the royalties diminish, I fully expect to have developed a new, even more brilliant plan to prop up Hogwarts’s finances. Speaking of which…has anyone noticed the ungodly huge prices of tickets to popular musical performances of late?

McGonagall: Ummm….

Dumbledore: Right! So, who among us can play the electric guitar?

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Feedback Here, please! (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=4632660#post4632660)

(Meanwhile, intervening posts make good dividers. :p Hope #20 isn't too non-family-friendly...))

Hogwarts Staff Meeting 20

Snape: I wish I was dead….

Dumbledore: Why Severus, is that remorse?

Snape: More like regret. Why oh why did you let me drink those last three Wizard Wallbangers last night?!

Dumbledore: You may recall that I advised against it, but you replied, “Hey…it’s MY funeral!”

Snape: I was no longer responsible for my actions at that point. You ought to have taken away my cocktail shaker. Friends don’t let friends drink drunk.

Flitwick: I know an awesome magical hangover cure. It involves swallowing a whole boiled egg while simultaneously drinking a bottle of tobasco sauce and a can of Nundu Cola…

McGonagall: I know one which involves standing on your head and having honey poured up your nose. Or down, in this case.

Hagrid: Ain’t that one for hiccups?

Sprout: Who cares, they both sound fun! Which shall we try first?

Snape: Back off! Ow. (clutches head) Where’s Snape’s Army when I need an actual assault carried out?

Dumbledore: Entertaining and educational as inflicting hangover cures on helpless victims may be, I called this emergency staff meeting for a completely different reason.

McGonagall: Hang on…Joanne and Ron aren’t here yet. Or the donuts.

Dumbledore: I have not told Joanne and Ron about this meeting. (eyeing Snape warily) And I am somewhat convinced that donuts are counterindicated in this case.

Flitwick: Especially the prune Bismarcks…

Snape: Urrgh! (leaves table suddenly)

McGonagall: See, Albus? Aren’t you glad we have a staff bathroom so close by?

Dumbledore: (testily) Yes, yes, all right. You were a brilliant headmistress for three whole hours. But the reason I called this emergency meeting is—

Rowling: Hello! What’s going on? Looks almost like a staff meeting…

Snape: (returning) You look disgustingly cheerful and healthy this morning.

Rowling: Can’t say the same for you….my, my…look what the kneazle dragged in…

Snape: Burn in–-

Dumbledore: (cough) Well, perhaps it is better to get this all out in the open at once, anyway. Joanne, last night at the party, possibly under the influence of magical substances, you expressed an intention of, er…publishing your memoirs?

Rowling: Yes, that’s more or less right. The Harry Potter fans are eager for as much information about the characters as possible, therefore I’ve decided to publish all my notes and in-depth insider biographies of all the staff.

McGonagall: You mean fictionalized versions, don’t you? Biographies of the characters you based on us?

Rowling: No, the readers want to know everything. Every juicy, soggy little detail. I give them a hint, and it’s like throwing a crumb down a vast, gaping maw of curiosity. So I am going to hand over EVERYTHING at once and hope they’re satisfied and stop asking me questions about your home lives and love affairs and credit card numbers and sexual preferences.

Flitwick: But…but Joanne…we’ve been through so much together. That book could be highly embarrassing!

Dumbledore: Er, yes…last night, for example…

Rowling: Don’t worry. Albus, I’ve already forgotten that you made a pass at me behind the ottoman. As well as every word Severus said all evening.

Snape: I’ve forgotten everything I said, too. Er, Albus made a pass at you?

Dumbledore: It was a simple case of mistaken identity! The lampshade was covering my eyes.

Rowling: Hang on, where’s my pencil? I need to make a few notes…

Trelawny: I hope you’ve forgotten about—

Rowling: (pencil poised for action) Yes?

Trelawny: Never mind…

(Door bursts open)

Snape: (clutches head) Owwwww…..

Lucius Malfoy: SO, Rowling! I hear you are going to defy my order to stop publishing slander about my family!

Rowling: Word travels quickly….

Sprout: He must have the place bugged.

McGonagall: More like wormed—Draco and Regis.

Snape: But they weren’t at the party last night! They’re underage.

Malfoy: They wore false moustaches!

Snape: Lovely, I’ve contributed to the delinquency of minors. Haul me off to Azkaban quickly, now. Dementors, thestral-poo. I can’t feel worse than I do already.

Malfoy: Since you refuse to listen to reason, Joanne, I am fighting fire with fire. (Holds up manuscript.) This is the EXCLUSIVE insider’s edition of The Secrets behind Harry Potter, which includes not only a continuation of the story and cut scenes, but a detailed and devastating biography of the author, JOANNE K ROWLING!

Rowling: You can’t do that! I’M the author! ME! I’M the one who knows what happens afterward! And that biography is nothing but a filthy, slanderous —

Dumbledore: Er…you haven’t read it yet, Joanne.

Rowling: It’s by HIM!!!

Dumbledore: Point ceded.

Rowling: In any case: you will NOT publish that book!

Malfoy: Try and stop me.

Rowling (pulling out wand) PRIORUS COPYRIGHTIUS!

Malfoy: (deflects curse) FAIRUS USAGIUS!

Rest of staff: (Hides under table)

Rowling: TRADEMARKUS VIOLATIS!

Sprout: Oh, dear, I hate legal battles…

Malfoy: PRESSUS LIBERTIUS!!

Dumbledore: The Roadrunner Latin is getting a bit thick in here. What say we adjourn this meeting and regroup on the shore of the lake? (crawls toward door)

Rowling: LAWYERUS HOTTSHOTIUS!

Flitwick: Splendid idea! (crawling toward door) Why the lake?

Malfoy: MAFIOSO BACKUPIO!

Dumbledore: Well, I know this really brilliant hangover cure involving raw clams. leeches, and being thrown in the water…

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Feedback Here, please! (http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?p=4632660#post4632660)
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Hogwarts Staff Meeting 21

(The Staff Room: Rowling fidgets in a chair while Snape powers up his laptop.)

Snape: Just about time, isn’t it?

Rowling: Blast it, Severus! Release this Bodybind curse at once!

Snape: Convenient that the Malfoy Cousins had your password…and they didn’t even charge me for it. Lucius is seriously POed at you for that Restraining Orderus hex you hit him with in your little legal duel.

Rowling: SEVERUS!!! I’m warning you!

Dumbledore: (enters) Goodness, what’s going on here?

Rowling: Thank heavens! Albus, Severus has gone stark raving mad! He’s put a Bodybind on me, and is planning to take my place online for my first chat on the WizardWeb!

Dumbledore: Severus, is this true?

Snape: Did you hear what she said on that Muggle television interview the other day? She said that I wasn’t a hero!

Dumbledore: What, after you dedicated your life to protecting that Potter boy and died in the line of duty? That’s cold, Joanne…

Rowling: I was surprised by the question! And the quote was taken out of context! And I’ve already recanted online for—

Snape: And I’m going to make sure THIS interview provides a fair and just view of the character.

Rowling: Albus, DO something!

Dumbledore: (getting out wand) As much as I sympathize, Severus, I’m afraid that—

Snape: Release her and Minerva will learn EXACTLY where I found her brassiere the day after my party.

Dumbledore: (putting away wand) As much as I sympathize, Joanne, I’m afraid that I must side with Severus this time.

Rowling: I don’t believe this! You’ll pay for this, Severus!

Snape: (reading computer screen) And thank you for joining us today, Professor J K Rowling! (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) Thank you, it’s lovely to be here! And before I proceed to the actual questions, I would like to state that Severus Snape was a hero of the highest order, a wizard of astounding ability and courage, and a god among lovers. First question—

McGonagall: What is this, an unannounced staff meeting?

Rowling: Help me, Minerva! Severus is taking over my Wizard Webchat!

Snape: (reading) First question, from Gryffindork97…”Why did you say McGonagall is too long in the tooth to become headmistress, when Dumbledore is more than twice her age?”

McGonagall: EXCUSE ME, did you really say that, Joanne?

Rowling: I didn’t put it that way! And Albus is only alive because of years of Elixir of Life abuse! And he hasn’t done a thing for the last twenty-seven years but call staff meetings!

Dumbledore: I’ll send for donuts.

Snape: (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) I, Joanne Rowling, feel that professional women should only be allowed in public while the ravages of time can be decently covered by makeup. Once they show a wrinkle, into the coal cellar with them.

Rowling: AAAAA! Don’t put my name on THAT!!!!

McGonagall: Thank you, Severus!

Flitwick: What’s going on?

Sprout and Hagrid: We smelled donuts…

McGonagall: Wizard Webchat…

Snape: (reading from screen) Second question…from InnerEye. “Trelawny was amazing in the final battle, but we know nothing about her life. Can you tell us more?” (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) Besides her spotty clairvoyant skills, Sybill is an excellent belly dancer. Of course, one can only make this discovery by encouraging her to consume vast _uantities of champagne… (his own voice) Drat, forgot that missing ‘Q.’ Have you got it on you, Minerva?

McGonagall: Sorry, no. And you really shouldn’t write such dreadful things, Severus. Even if they’re true.

Snape: Heh, heh…Question 3…

Flitwick: Have there been any questions about me yet?

Snape: No, but there are 6,799,423 questions in the database. Let me do a quick search on ‘Flitwick.’

Staff: (waits)

Snape: Ahhmmm….

Flitwick. Poo.

Sprout: I’m not even going to ask.

Hagrid: Anyone ask about me?

Snape: Lessee…oh, lots of questions about Hagrid! “Was Hagrid supposed to die?” “How come you didn’t kill Hagrid?” “Why did Hagrid live?” “Why did Hagrid survive?”

Hagrid: Nasty little bunch of Slytherin scumbuckets!

Snape: (reading) Question 3, from Luciusslapdogslapdog. “ZOMG like nobody saw snapes body and there was like no funeral an no prtrait n stuff so like maybe fawks sneaked back in the shirking shak and cried all over him and he still alive?”

Rowling: Is there a question there?

Snape: (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) Sorry, dear. Have fun with your fan fiction, but Snape is dead, buried, and rapidly decomposing so as to NEVER be forced to endure a second book series. (his own voice) Ten years was more than long enough to be pelted with half-eaten toffees and junior jinxes by prepubescent Harry fans.

Rowling: You might at least let me offer some input, Severus!

Snape: Quiet in the peanut gallery. Next question, from FatLadysRevenge: “Please describe Horace Slughorn’s pajamas.” (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) He wears a monogrammed gold silk jacket over a bikini bottom.

Staff: (cracks up)

Rowling: My chair has fallen over. Will someone please at least pick me up? Thank you, Hagrid.

Snape: (wiping eyes) Oh, my. No wonder you love your work, Joanne. Next question, from DailyProphetess. “We finally got to meet Charity Burbage, but what’s the name of the Ancient Runes teacher?”

Flitwick: Prunella Wafflebottom!

Rowling: Hey!

Snape: (typing) Done! All right, here’s one you can answer, Prunella. From Millicents_Cat, “If you could be a character in your books, what would you do?”

Rowling: Well, I’d quite fancy a quick round of Quidditch with Dumbledore’s Army, and a quiet chat with Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Snape: Tsk—you’ve forgotten that missing ‘Q.’ No matter, I shall substitute something equivalent. (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) I would like to nude-wrestle the Marauders in a large vat of chocolate syrup.”

Rowling: AAAAUGH! Severus, this is NOT funny any more!

Snape: Next question, from BabyThestral. “Are you going to write any more Harry books? Pleeeeez???”

Rowling: NO.

Snape: (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice) I’ve been so touched by the outpouring of warmth and love from my dear fans over the course of the Harry Potter series, that I’ve decided to write an immediate fourteen-volume follow-up series about Albus Severus Potter at Hogwarts, how he gets sorted into Slytherin, unites the four houses, and revolutionizes the staff pay scale!”

Rowling: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dumbledore: Oh dear…perhaps, Severus…

McGonagall: I think maybe this HAS gone far enough…

Rowling: (bouncing angrily) LET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR, SOMEONE!!!

Snape: Next question, from WillowWand. “Why is Snape so badly groomed?”

Rowling: Ha! Answer that one, me bucko. Inquiring minds want to know!

Snape: (typing, while imitating Rowling’s voice angrily) My dear fan, Professor Snape has more brains in his left little toenail than you possess in your entire body, including those illegally imported size 97 silicon implants (gradually in his own voice) and he sees no reason to change my personal habits to pander to the media-brainwashed sensibilities of vacuous, judgemental, image-obsessed dimwits who couldn’t mix a wart-removal potion with three hands and a golden spade!

Rowling: Glad to see you aren’t sensitive on the subject, snookums.

Snape: Next question, and I hope it’s about your home life, Jo. From Lethifolderol_78, “Ummm….this isn’t REALLY Joanne K Rowling…is it?” Zounds, I’ve been rumbled.

Rowling: And that’s not the worst thing that’s going to happen to you! (bouncing angrily) GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR!!!!!

Snape: (folding up computer) Give me ten seconds to make the Apparating Zone, will you all? Ta. (runs for it.)

Rowling: I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS, SEVERUS SNAPE! YOU WILL SUFFER AS I HAVE SUFFERED! JUST YOU WAIT! SNEAK! SEVERUS! WE HATES IT, HATES IT FOREVER! And that having been said, will someone please GET ME OUT OF THIS CHAIR?!
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Hogwarts Staff Meeting 22

Weasley: Would someone like to switch seats with me?

Flitwick: Why, did you get the chair with the cursed leg that tries to dump you on the carpet?

Weasley: No, I just don’t want to sit next to…you know…him.

McGonagall: For heavens sake!

Weasley: (panicky) Well, what if he tries to flirt with me or something? I won’t know what to do!

Sprout: He hasn’t flirted with you in the past twenty years, why should he now?

Weasley: Well, because I’m a sex-muffin, of course. And now that he’s “outed,” he has no reason to hold back any more.

Snape: I can’t believe none of us knew.

Trelawny: I did! I knew! The inner eye sees all! Fortunately, the outer mouth knows when to keep shut.

Snape: Yes, no wonder Joanne is late to the meeting as well. It’ll be days before she dares to show her face in the staff room, I imagine.

Weasley: What if he’s been flirting with me all along, and I never noticed? Oh, my God!

Sprout: Put a sock in it, Ron.

Snape: Anyway, one would have thought you knew, since you watched the last Cannons match with him at the Bell, Book and Candle. That’s a gay bar, didn’t you know?

Ron: OH MY GOD!!! THEN ALL THOSE OLD QUIDDITCH STARS THAT HANG OUT THERE ARE—wait a minute, what about that chick in the corner who was giving me the eye?

Snape: I’m afraid she was looking at Minerva.

Ron: I made a ruddy fool of myself, then…

Snape: What else is new?

McGonagall: As much as Ron deserves this, the BB&C is not a gay bar. Really, I don’t see what difference it makes to any of us if Albus is…um…that way. After all, every one of us has some quirk or oddity or eccentricity in our nature.

Staff: Not me, I’m normal!

Snape: So, Filius, did the two of you ever date?

Filius: I’M NOT GAY! How many times to I have to tell you people?

Dumbledore: (enters) Good morning, everyone. Sorry I’m late. I brought donuts.

Staff: Good morning.

Dumbledore: Of course, I don’t see why one should apologize for unpunctuality, since it gives everyone else time to talk about one. Had a pleasant discussion?

McGonagall: Er…we were just discussing—

Staff: Quidditch!

Weasley: Yes, you know—the Cannons match we watched at the BB&C.

Sprout: It was an exciting game, I hear. Wish I could have joined you, but the nightshades needed tucking in.

Snape: Interesting thing, did you know that the word Quidditch originated as a corruption of Queer Ditch? The first—OUCH!

McGonagall: Well, enough chatter, let’s get on to business

Dumbledore: Are you all right, Severus?

Snape: Yes, thank you. I merely had a sudden, sharp pain in my shin…as if someone had given me a good swift kick, then retreated to contemplate the horrors of my future revenge.

Dumbledore: Good, good…then on to the meeting. Item one—proposed expansion of the list of pets allowed at Hogwarts. The rat lobby has been quite the squeaky wheel lately. Heh, heh. The National Puffskein Association has also requested an addition, and the BOH group is threatening a boycott of the school unless their children are allowed to bring their pet bats.

McGonagall: BOH?

Dumbledore: Bats Outta Hell. They are…hmmm…something of a gothic head-banger’s association. There’s also a Snakes for Slytherin petition circulating among the students. Any comments or discussion?

(silence)

Snape: People do realize, don’t they, that small, adorable, fuzzy creatures are the natural food of owls? Of which there are hundreds on the premises.

(silence)

Dumbledore: No other discussion? Then let’s put it to a vote. Raise your hand if you’re in favor of adding any of the aforementioned animals to the approved list—we can determine which later. (waits) Well, by a rough count, that’s unanimous against. Cats, owls and toads reign supreme. Next order of business, a gift to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of Mr. Filch’s service at Hogwarts. We gave him a pocket watch for the 25th anniversary, and I’m sure nobody wants a repeat of the wailing, sobbing and tantrums when he mistook it for a retirement gift and thought he was being sacked.

Snape: (mutters) The halls were VERY clean the next few weeks, though.

Dumbledore: Ideas and suggestions, anyone?

(silence)

Dumbledore: You’re all very quiet today. Except for you, Severus. What’s that you’re humming?

Snape: It’s just a little song from Avenue Q. Tell me, do you like showtunes?

Dumbledore: I can take them or leave them. Well, if nobody has any ideas for Filch’s gift, perhaps we can discuss our new Emergency Readiness, Reactions, Organization and Recovery program. (Hands out pamphlets) Over the next month, we will be having fire drills, tsunami drills, dragon drills, giant drills and general curse drills to see how well the staff and students are likely to respond in case of emergency. Please familiarize yourselves with the contents of this pamphlet and review your procedures in case of emergency. House heads, make sure your students are aware of all—Ron, is there a problem?

Weasley: (staring at emergency pamphlet in panic) It’s pink. Why is it pink?

Snape: (singing under his breath) If you were gay…that’d be okay…because, hey…you’re a nut-job anyway—

Dumbledore: Since it’s clear nobody’s mind is on the meeting, perhaps we should take a break and discuss Joanne’s latest public appearances.

Snape: Yes, let’s.

McGonagall: I don’t see why it should matter.

Sprout: Especially at his age!

Dumbledore: Thank you, Pomona. May a knarl pee on your azaleas.

Weasley: Look, no hard feelings, Albus, but I just want to make sure you realize that I’m totally off-limits. I’m straight, I’m married—

Dumbledore: And you’re not my type. At all. So stop worrying.

Weasley: (insulted) Not your type? Whaddya mean? What’s wrong with me?

Snape: Tell me, do donuts have some cultural significance in the gay community?

Dumbledore: Not that I’m aware of. Not prune Bismarks, anyway.

Flitwick: It’s the dishonesty that gets me. You ought to have told us! You ought to have trusted us!

Snape: He wore purple robes. Just like that gay Teletubby. We ought to have known.

Dumbledore: Somehow the subject never came up in conversation.

Flitwick: It OUGHT to have come up, the day that comic book was found in the staff room and everyone blamed ME for it!

Dumbledore: Ah, yes, I remember…. Elf Party: Legolas Does Mirkwood. That was a classic.

Flitwick: They blamed me for the magazines hidden in the bottom of the file drawer, too! And the photograph of Viktor Krum with the highly personal autographed message written on it! And the studded black leather jockstrap stuck down under the couch cushions!

Dumbledore: Sorry…

Snape: Don’t forget the lavender panty-hose in the men’s room.

Flitwick: Um…no...those WERE mine.

Dumbledore: Frankly, I was a little afraid of your reactions.

McGonagall: And with good reason, judging from the fuss everyone’s making. Honestly, can’t we just deal with this maturely, like adults?

Snape: And what earthly fun would that be, Minerva? Personally, I intend to go through Dumbledore’s entire biography and examine everything he’s ever done through the filter of his newly-revealed homosexuality. For instance, Hagrid—

Hagrid: All right, tha’s enough.

Snape: No, seriously, Hagrid. Have you ever suspected him of—

Hagrid: I said ENOUGH! (thumps fist on table) It doesn’t matter. Who cares if he’s gay or purple or from outer space? Nothing’s changed, really--NOTHING.

Snape: Except the table’s broken.

Hagrid: Oh, blast. Sorry about that.

Dumbledore: Reparo! Though I appreciate your loyalty, Hagrid, please bear in mind that the furniture in this room has soaked up centuries of magic, and breakage tends to bring out strange behaviors in it.

Cursed Chair: (Dumps Trelawny on the carpet) Heh, heh, heh….

Dumbledore: Case in point.

Trelawny: I saw that coming! I did!

McGonagall: You ought to have put down your tea, then. Hope you weren’t scalded too badly, dear.

Trelawny: I held on to it on purpose. Being scalded with tea is a time-tested clairvoyance enhancer.

Snape: Allow me to—

Trelawny: (hastily) No thanks, mustn’t overdo it.

Dumbledore: Now that you’ve all had your say, perhaps we can carry on with the meeting. Now, about Filch’s anniversary--

Rowling: Hello! Sorry I’m late!

Dumbledore: How nice of you to join us, Miss Big Mouth—I mean, Joanne.

Rowling: Sorry about that, Albus. My lawyers thought that a good way to stop Lucius Malfoy from publishing that Insider’s Guide to Harry Potter would be to reveal all the secrets myself first. That way, it’s more apparent that he’s copying me, and it reduces the value of his book.

Dumbledore: I am glad that your legal battle is advancing nicely at the minimal price of my privacy.

Rowling: You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, you know.

Snape: I think his point is that it’s your omelet, and his eggs.

Rowling: In my next interview, I may tell Severus’s fangirls that, rather than being the lonely, wounded victim of a tragic lifelong romance, he’s an obnoxious womanizing twerp with an inability to commit for more than five minutes.

Snape: Give them my address, Floo location, and e-mail, too, please. And I’ll have you know that I’ve been known to commit for up to two hours.

Rowling: By the way, my lawyers have advised me to tell you all not to communicate with the press, talk about the case, or have any contact with Lucius Malfoy.

Snape: I’m having dinner at the Malfoys’ Friday.

Rowling: Cancel it. Or my lawyers will sabotage the steering twigs on your broomstick.

Dumbledore: Who are your lawyers, Joanne?

Rowling: Draco and Regis Malfoy.

McGonagall: Since when are they lawyers?

Rowling: Yes, I know they’re just kids, and amateurs, and have never taken the Bar exam, but they’re the most weaselly people I know!

Weasley: Hey!!!!

Rowling: Sorry, Pumpkin.

Dumbledore: Still, this whole ridiculous lawsuit is so undignified, and many of your fans feel you are…shall we say, riding for a fall.

McGonagall: And after all, you never did a thing when Gilderoy Lockhart published his book.

Snape: (smacks self on forehead) GILDEROY LOCKHART!!! Oh, lord…that little episode is SO explained now…

Dumbledore: (aims wand at Snape) This is your only warning, Severus: Zip it, or I will zip it for you.

Snape: (evil grin)

Rowling: But if Lucius Malfoy publishes his insider’s guide before I publish mine—

Dumbledore: Well, beat him to the shops! When will yours be ready for printing? How far along on it are you?

Rowling: Well, I’ve thought about it…and said I might do it someday…eventually. All the stuff is in my notes.

Dumbledore: Ummm…are you entirely sure you’ve got a case?

Rowling: I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, Albus, Warner Brothers won’t let me off the hook! They say the more tolerant I am of poachers on their—I mean, my turf, the more everyone will start grabbing a piece of Harry Potter until there’s nothing left and I die poor and lonely in a ditch with only a denture glass and one ear off a stuffed bunny rabbit to comfort me. And now the Malfoy cousins are my lawyers, and they’ll be here any minute, and you remember what happened the LAST time we tried to cancel a job on Draco.

McGonagall: The Malfoy cousins, coming here? What on earth for?

Rowling: They’re meeting Lucius’s lawyer for an official opening of hostilities. They decided this was the best place to meet.

Draco: Hello! Are we interrupting?

Dumbledore: Not at all. We’re not having a very productive meeting today, anyhow. Feel free to drop your briefcase down right on the donuts.

Draco: I already have, thanks. They don’t make bakery boxes like they used to, eh?

Regis: Keep your hands where we can see them at all times! I will keep you covered with my wand while my cousin collects your wallets, watches and jewelry! Don’t try anything funny, ‘cause I’ve got an Avada Kedavra with your name all over it!

Draco: (smacks Regis) Not this time, fool! We’re solicitors!

Regis: So? Isn’t soliciting a crime?

Draco: Not that kind, moron!

Regis: Don’t we get to rob them, then?

Draco: We submit a bill for five hundred galleons per hour, afterward.

Regis: Oho, so we DO rob them.

Sprout: The world is full of honest, respectable lawyers, many of whom donate time, work, and money to charities, and who do their best to protect the average citizen from unfair treatment and the forces of darkness. Without men and women like these, we would all be the helpless victims of big business, incorrect police work, true criminals, and the foul, filthy and corrupt entity that calls itself our government.

Flitwick: Why on earth are you bringing this up now?

Sprout: Don’t want any lawyers suing us.

Draco: Ms. Rowling, has the attorney for the defendant arrived to beg for mercy yet?

Rowling: Do you really think it will be that easy?

Draco: Come on, he’s my Dad. He’s tickled pink to see me showing interest in a respectable professional career that can be perverted to forward the interests of the Malfoy family. If he puts up a fight, it will only be for show.

Narcissa Malfoy: (enters, followed by a man in a muggle suit) THERE you are Draco!

Draco: Mum! What are you doing here?

Narcissa: I brought your earmuffs. You really must not have a cold for your first appearance before the Wizengamott. Goodness, who let you out of the house with your tie looking like that?! Come here, mummy will fix it.

Draco: Muuu-uum! You’re embarrassing me on my first case! And in front of—is this man Father’s lawyer?

Narcissa: Silly boy---I’m your father’s lawyer. There, you look much more professional now. (Kisses Draco on the forehead.)

Draco: What?

Narcissa: Apparently you forgot that I used to have a career in law before I gave it up to raise my ickle ookums and bake cookies for him.

Draco: You can’t go to court against me! You’re my MUM! Besides, you have no case, Dad’s book is clearly copyright infringement, pervaded by libel and slander and motivated by pure malice. I know, because he told me so himself!

Narcissa: Young man, it’s time you learned that it is NOT right for a boy to take his father to court, especially when his mother wants him to become a banking executive. Your father is filing a countersuit on behalf of Slytherin house for discriminatory and demeaning portrayals of its students and teachers, and on his own behalf for continued defamation of character and unauthorized use of the Malfoy name, which has been registered as a family trademark. We will soak your client for all she’s got, and send the pair of you to a six-month sensitivity training interment camp.

Draco: You can’t do that!

Narcissa: And why not?

Draco: Because Grandpa Malfoy is going to be one of the judges! He’ll never let you get away with it.

Narcissa: Your Grandma Black and Great Aunt Felicia are going to be the other judges.

Draco: Nooooooo!

Narcissa: We will meet at the Wizengamot. Meanwhile, Alphonse, here, is the bearer of a personal message from the defendant to the plaintiff.

Rowling: A personal message from Lu-lu? Let’s have it.

Alphonse: (Steps forward, turns around, bends over, and drops his trousers.)

Narcissa: You can see why I could not deliver it myself. Come, Alphonse. (leaves)

Alphonse: (pulls up trousers and leaves.)

Snape: I bet you enjoyed that.

Rowling: Actually, I was hoping the message was more on the lines of “April Fool!” Or November fool. Whatever.

Snape: I was talking to the headmaster.

Dumbledore: Severus--

Draco: I see four possible courses of action. We could reopen relations with the defendant, in the hope of an amicable settlement agreeable to both sides…we can go before the Wizengamot and be stomped into the ground by the distaff side of the Malfoy family, and just take our lumps…you could run away to California and live the rest of your life in disguise as Dopey in Disneyland…or you could hire Regis and me to off my parents, hide the bodies, and blackmail you over it for all eternity. I recommend option three or four, as involving the least amount of effort and humiliation to myself. OW! The table just bit me!

Rowling: Don’t be silly. Tables don’t bite.

Table: Grrrrr…..

Draco: It did! It did! And it just snarled at you!

Dumbledore: Oh, dear. Remember what I said, Hagrid?

Hagrid; Sorry.

Draco: Get away from me, you refugee from a jumble sale! OW! It gave me a splinter that time! I’m getting out of here. Think over your options, Professor Rowling!

Regis: And after we leave, nobody call the aurors for five minutes. I’ll be watching with my magic eye! Augh, it’s after me, now!

Draco: Come on, idiot! (Drags Regis out.)

Dumbledore: Hagrid, perhaps you could calm it down?

Hagrid: There, there…(stroking table)

Dumbledore: Talking seems to attract its attention. Shush till it calms down.

(silence)

Hagrid: (continues stroking table. Sings) Rock-a-bye table, in the staff room….your daddy’s a cradle, your mummy’s a broom….

Table: (yawn)

Dumbledore: That’s done it. It appears to be fond of music. I think we should adjourn. Any final questions or comments?

Snape: Yeah. Is Gilderoy’s smile really all THAT charming?

Dumbledore: Perilus Paulinus! (Snape is tied to his chair.)

Snape: Hey! Very funny. Let me out of this.

Dumbledore: Enjoy your day off teaching, Severus. Sleep well tonight. (staff leaves)

Snape: This is not funny. The table’s waking up! What am I supposed to do now!

Dumbledore: Try singing. A lot. (leaves)

Snape: (sings) If you would like to cure the fever called life…get some relief from all the struggle and strife…the grandest medicine that I can propose is under your nose, a snake in the grass…HEY, DUMBLEDORE! THE TABLE LIKES SHOWTUNES!

Table: Grrrrr….

Snape: Uh, (singing) Prima donna, first laaaady of the staaage, your devotees are on their knees to implooooore yooooou--…
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Hogwarts Staff Meeting 23

Snape: Is, too!

McGonagall: Is not!

Snape: Is, too, is too!

McGonagall: Is not, is not!

Snape: Is, too, is too, is TOO!

McGonagall: Is not, is not, is absolutely NOT!

Dumbledore: Very well. I think we have discussed the issue in as much depth as possible. Let’s put it to a vote—all who think that Economate Cheapskate Plus toilet paper is an acceptable affordable substitution for Cushmeister Extra-Fluffy, raise your—ah, Joanne, nice of you to join us.

Sprout: Goodness, you look dreadful. Has the tissue issue actually keeping you awake at night?

Snape: Rubbish, she’s just had to lay off the Botox, now she’s been caught at it. Headmaster, will the vote affect all school bathrooms, or just the student ones?

Rowling: I NEVER GOT BOTOX INJECTIONS, SEVERUS!

McGonagall: As if she would have had time!

Rowling: Quite.

McGonagall: Between the jogging and Pilates and yoga and—

Rowling: If I ever catch this ‘friend’ who keeps leaking to the press, I’ll…I’ll…It’s all complete rubbish!

Snape: You’ll what?

Rowling: SEVERUS!!!

Snape: I’m only curious….

Dumbledore: I’m sure none of us would be feeding the press lies about you, Joanne.

Flitwick: Not when there’s so much REAL dirt we could dish out!

Rowling: Thanks. Sorry. I don’t think you all realize the stress that this lawsuit is putting on me. The Malfoys are getting nasty. The other day, Draco got a horse’s decapitated head from Lucius, and yesterday he returned the favor by sending two king cobras to his father.

McGonagall: Gracious!

Snape: So? Let them kill each other off. I don’t see why it should bother you at all.

Rowling: They keep putting these things in MY bed, with tags reading, “Please deliver.”

Dumbledore: Ah.

Snape: As disturbing and worrisome as these problems may be, Joanne, they are YOUR problems, thank God, and not ours. When you arrived we were discussing a vital—

Rowling: They’re everyone’s problem now. (Tosses paper onto table)

Table: Growl!

Snape: Shut up, you. Or I’ll sing “The Song that Never Ends” again.

Table: (Whimper)

Dumbledore: (reading paper) What IS this, Joanne?

Rowling: A cease and desist order. I’m afraid most of you have been violating Warner Brothers’ trademarks. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry will have to change its name to something to which WB doesn’t own the intellectual rights. Likewise, most of you will have to change your names. Don’t think of this as ridiculous harassment, think of it as an opportunity to explore new possibilities…

McGonagall: You’re not serious?!

Hagrid: Change my name? To bloomin’ WHAT?!

Flitwick: I was born Filius Flitwick, and I’ll die Filius Flitwick!

Dumbledore: Joanne, this is preposterous. Go to Warner Brothers and tell them to stuff it.

Rowling: I can’t do that, Albus. I’ve signed their contract. And on page 183 of the contract specifications, in the fine print of Paragraph ZZ-4413, just below the merchandising rights and above the option for a spin-off cartoon series, it turns out I sold my soul.

Dumbledore: Oh, my.

Rowling: Imagine my surprise when I discovered that. I had a few choice words for my agent, let me tell you.

Dumbledore: When you say you’ve sold your soul, what exactly do you mean?

Rowling: Oh, the standard. You know. I’m not allowed to disagree publicly with anything Warner Brothers does, I’m to defend their right to all things Harry Potter to the death, even when they’re being buttheads, I’m never to make any disparaging remark about the films, my spirit will haunt the studio for all eternity—the usual sort of thing.

McGonagall: Well, isn’t there some way for you to get out of it? I mean, demanding that all your friends and your place of employment change their names seems a bit beyond the far end of insanity.

Dumbledore: After all, they’re only a corporation, and you’re a private citizen and a witch. You should have some recourse.

Snape: It’s not like you’ve sold your soul to Satan. (mutters) That WOULD be interesting.

Rowling: But you don’t know about the full-bind catch-22 disaster-alert clause. If I renege on my obligations in any way, ownership of my soul and the intellectual property devolves to—

Snape: Satan?

Rowling: Worse. Disney.

Sprout: What’s wrong with that?

Flitwick: That might be fun…

Snape: My mistake. Let’s do it. Some unemployed teenager can be hired to dress in a padded fat-suit and plastic creeper and go about hugging children and impersonating Pomona in Orlando, and Filius can spend his declining years sitting on a shelf inside one of the Disneyland rides singing “It’s a small world after all.”

Sprout & Flitwick: Or not…

Rowling: Anyway, it wouldn’t be as simple as that. Do you think Warner Brothers would just let us go without a struggle? They have resources…people you wouldn’t want to meet…(shudders)

Snape: Satan?

McGonagall: Severus!

Snape: Well, I know he’s been in a few films.

Rowling: What’s this sudden fascination with Satan?

Flitwick: Are you planning to invite him to lead the Disloyal Order of Death Eaters Glee Club or something?

Snape: No, it’s just that you gave me this autograph book last Christmas, Filius, and I haven’t found anybody interesting to sign it yet. The Aurors always get to the serial killers and mad dark wizards before I do.

Flitwick: For heavens sake! Have you considered asking someone who isn’t an evil psychopath? The world is full of actors, artists, writers—

Snape: Fifty years from now, who’s going to care if I have the signature of some bimbo whose silicone implants have all sagged since, or some hack who got lucky and whose book hit the top ten for a day before it was forgotten? Evil is classic. Evil is always in style. Look on Ebay sometime and see what gets more bids, Saint Mungo’s solid gold halo or Grindelwald’s snotty hanky.

McGonagall: That is simply revolting, Severus.

Snape: Anyway, the only famous people I know are Joanne, Dumbledore and Lockhart, and I’ll be hanged if I swell any of their egos further by asking for their autograph.

Rowling: Believe me when I tell you, Severus, Satan would be a piece of cake compared with Warner Brother’s enforcer squad. Someone’s always getting the better of Satan, but these guys—

(Dobby appears)

Dobby: Headmaster, sir, Dobby is sorry to interrupt the meeting, but there is some peoples here to see Professor Rowling. They say they is from Warner Brothers studio.

Rowling: (drops donut) Oh my God, they’re here. Lock the door! Tell them I’m not at home!

Dumbledore: The door is locked. Now I think you’d better explain what this is all about.

Rowling: Later—SSH!

(silence)

Voice from hall: Be vewy, vewy quiet…

Voice from hall: Quiet, my beak. Taz, take the door down.

Rowling: Oh no, it’s them…the enforcement squad—Bugsy and the thugs --

(Buzz saw noises: with a spray of splinters, a spinning object cuts through the door, leaving a large, roughly triangular hole. Spinning object stops spinning and turns into a broad-shouldered, hairy, gibbering beast in a black suit and sunglasses and with mad little feral eyes.)

Duck: (Large anthropomorphic black duck with black upper suit and black sunglasses enters through hole) Thank you, hairball.

Devil: Hooo blblblargh gnagn wheep margle! You welcome.

Bunny: (Anthropomorphic rabbit in black suit and sunglasses enters, gnawing carrot.) Myaaaaaa…(chomp chomp chomp) What’s up, Jo?

McGonagall (whispers) This is what happens when animagus training goes wrong.

Snape: So help me, I will NEVER attempt that spell.

Rowling: Mr. Bunny! So nice to see you again! And, Mr. Devil and Mr. Duck! To what do I owe the honor?

Duck: Don’t you get smart with us, sister! We know you’re planning another subversive resistance to Warner Brother’s undisputed control of Harry Potter. How DARE you?! The unmitigated gall of it is simply despicable!

Rowling: Daffy Duck! That’s simply not true—

Duck: And that’s use of a Warner Brothers trademark in an unauthorized work. (Makes note in memo book.) I’ll have to sue ya for that.

Rowling: Now, that’s ridiculous. Haven’t I always come out swinging for Warner Brothers? Haven’t I put the most sympathetic possible spin on your last few legal adventures? Haven’t I claimed that every new Harry Potter movie is the best one yet, even PoA, which actually sucked bat snot?

Duck: What you don’t seem to realize is that every, EVERY watering-down of Warner Brothers’ intellectual property rights is like stealing food from the starving children of our stockholders. Every moron who draws a fan picture of Harry Potter and posts it to the internet is robbing us of a coloring book we might have sold! Every good fan-fiction author undermines our potential future ability to market a hack-written paperback spin-off book series! Every teacher who reads Harry Potter aloud to her classroom has cheated our audiobook department! DON’T YOU TAKE THESE THREATS SERIOUSLY?! HMMMMM??!! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE STARVING CHILDREN OF OUR STOCKHOLDERS??!!! HUH???!!! WELL??????!!!! HOW CAN YOU__

Bunny: (snaps fingers)

(silence)

Bunny: Jo, dahhhling, we at Warner Brothers know that you have our best interests at heart. However, you also have a natural sympathy for the fans of your work, which you will simply have to put aside in the interests of good business. They’ve bought everything you’ve created. They’ve made you a billionaire. Now it’s time to put the little people behind you and concentrate on turning your billions into power. And trillions.

Rowling: You used to be one of the good guys, Bugs.

Bunny: That was in the sixties, honey. Now I’m a wealthy, famous corporate icon, and my only purpose in life is to make money for the Bros.

Rowling: Maybe that’s why YOUR last few movies tanked. Lucky you have Harry Potter to pick up the box office slack, eh?

Bunny: Careful, cupcake. You don’t want us to tell Elmer it’s Rowling season, now do ya?

Flitwick: (sigh) I’m getting too old. I remember when I was little and knew nothing about copyright and corporate trademarks. It seemed like all my favorite fictional characters lived in a magical kingdom where they could—

Bunny: Ixnay! Don’t say “magical kingdom.”

McGonagall: Don’t tell me you’ve trademarked the word ‘magic’ now.

Bunny: Not US. Hey, if you think I’m tough, you just go right ahead. You won’t enjoy meeting “Flick Knife Mick,” that’s all I’m sayin. That guy’s nutso. Please seriously consider our words, Jo.

Dumbledore: I’m sorry, but we and the school had our names long before Warner Brothers bought into Harry Potter, and I –

Bunny: Did you register them as trademarks?

Dumbledore: Well, no…

Bunny: Then shaddup. (chomp chomp chomp.) Okay, Geezer, I hear what you’re sayin’, and maybe Warner will allow you to license the names for a fee. I can’t promise anything, though…Busch Gardens is negotiatin’ a multi-million-dollar license to have Hogwarts in their park, ya see, and it just wouldn’t be fair to them to let you use the name for free, would it now? I’m sure you can understand that. We’ll be waiting to hear from you on the matter. That’s all, folks.

Snape: Um, can I have your autograph, please? Thank you.

Bunny: (signs and leaves.)

Duck: (leaving) So there. (from hallway) Hoo hoo! Woo hoo! Woo woo!

Flitwick: So, what do you all think of ‘Brand Slagiron?’

McGonagall: We’re NOT changing our names!

Flitwick: Or maybe ‘Hammer Titanium’…

Dumbledore: Nobody panic! If Warner Brothers think we’re simply going to roll over and do as they say, they have another think coming.

Sprout: Bravo!

Dumbledore: Though I’ve always rather liked the ring of ‘Froufy LaRue”... Well, never mind. We’ll meet again when we’ve devised a strategy of resistance!

(Everyone leaves but Trelawny)

Trelawny: (pulls out cell phone) Hello, Rita Skeeter? This is ‘Inner Eye’ with another news flash. Noticed how stressed Joanne looks these days? It’s because little Mackenzie was born a morphmagus and keeps turning into Condoleeza Rice. Yes, and their marriage is on the rocks because of it…


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Wow, I never posted the final staff meeting here...

This was written back in 2008, when JKR had her lawsuit against the Harry Potter Encyclopedia guy. Like many of the staff meetings, it was topical about HP news. I didn't post it here because feelings were running high on both sides, and I was sure it would be deleted by moderators as inflammatory. But now it can probably be posted. Like all topical works, though, it probably makes less sense than when it was current.

As originally posted on HPN, then: Hogwarts Staff Meeting: Trial Version

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DISCLAIMER: If you are deeply emotionally involved in the WB/RDR trial, it's probably pointless to warn you not to read further because it may offend you. This is a more satirical and less light-hearted meeting than usual, and can be seen as critical of and/or insulting to JKR, SVA, RDR, WB, and possibly other acronymical entities, depending on whose viewpoint you're burning to uphold. This is why it is not an official Staff Meeting. Maybe some day it will join the other Staff Meetings, when this legal conflict is all behind us and everyone is laughing about it...at which point, the satirical element will, of course, have become meaningless.


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Hogwarts Staff Meeting : Trial Edition

McGonagall: For heaven’s sake, aren’t they ever going to start?

Flitwick: They’re waiting until the press are all seated.

Snape: Good lord, how many reporters ARE there?

Sprout: I didn’t expect a media circus.

Clown Reporter: NOBODY expects the media circus! (juggles burning torches as lions cavort and trapeze artists swing overhead.) Our greatest weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear! Surprise, fear, and slanted truth! Surprise, fear, slanted truth, and a reckless disregard for—oh, drat, dropped a torch. Where’s the fire extinguisher?

Trelawny: Well, at least with so many reporters here, there is bound to be fair and balanced coverage of the trial…

Clown Reporter: (writing) Ms. Rowling has just entered the courtroom, classy as ever, wearing the most DARLING outfit, and I must ask her where she got those yummy shoes. The poor dear looks a wee bit tired from the horrific trauma caused by the heinous crimes of the filthy monster defendant, may he burn in he*l forever…

Rita Skeeter: Joanne Rowling has just staggered into the courtroom, reeking of gin and showing the unmistakable signs of having celebrated early her prospective victory in trampling over your and my intellectual freedoms…

Snape: Depends on how you define balanced, I suppose.

McGonagall: Here comes the judge—wake Dumbledore.

Snape: What, now? I just got the spittoon fair and balanced on his head.

McGonagall: Albus! Albus!

Dumbledore: Zzzzz, snort! Guilty, your honor!

McGonagall: Wake up! They’re going to start soon!

Trelawny: Somebody remind me what the trial is about, please. Can’t they just throw Lucius Malfoy in Azkaban on general principles?

Flitwick: Well, in wizarding law, the principle of Fair Use provides a—

Trelawny: In simple terms, please.

Flitwick: (sighs) A long time ago, in the Prairie of Prax came a Corporate Zax and a Fair-Use Zax—

Man in Black: Excuse me. Filius Flitwick?

Flitwick: Yes?

Man in Black: (flashes badge) Copyright police. You are under arrest for the unauthorized quotation of copyrighted works by Theodore Geisel, AKA Dr. Seuss. Please come quietly.

Flitwick: What? It wasn’t a direct quote! And it was parody! Satire is protected!

Man in Black: Tell that to YOUR judge. Get ‘im, boys! (Copyright police carry off Flitwick.)

Dumbledore: Bugger. Remind me to bail him out again.

Bailiff: The Wizengamot is now in session, Judge Portia Mizzenmast presiding.

Judge: The Plaintiff will please state his case.

Bugs Bunny: Myeaaaah (chomps carrot) Warner Brothers intends to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Malfoy Publishing printed a Guide to Harry Potter that infringes on our intellectual property and includes slanderous statements about Harry Potter’s former intellectual property owner, causing the lovely Ms. Rowling untold heartache, pain, suffering, malaise and gastritis, and moreover to prove that Warner Brothers refuses to let Disney be the only studio that burns terror into lawyers’ hearts. We’re number one! Eat that, Eisner—oh, wait, he’s long gone…

Judge: And the defendant?

Malfoy: The Defense maintains that all biographical statements are entirely true, that the Harry Potter Guidebook is a legal and scholarly work necessitated by demand, and that Warner Brothers is only being pouty because I thought of it first!

Bunny: Objection! Warner Brothers is NOT being pouty! We’re protecting our rights! (stamps foot and pouts.)

Malfoy: Yeah, right. Don’t mess with me, Bugs, I had rabbit for lunch.

Bunny: This…means…war!

Judge: Order! Order in the courtroom! The Plaintiff will stop pouting and call their first witness.

Bunny: I call…Professor Joanne Rowling!

Judge: Are you Ms. Rowling?

Rowling: You mean…you don’t KNOW? You don’t recognize me? What, do you live in a hole or something? Darn you, I’m FAMOUS!

Bunny: And so lovely and unspoiled by it. Tell us, Joanne, in your own sweet words, how the idea of Malfoy Publishing printing the Harry Potter Guide fills you with horror and loathing and has caused you uncountable sleepless nights.

Rowling: The idea of Malfoy Publishing printing the Harry Potter Guide fills me with horror and loathing and has caused me uncountable sleepless nights.

Bunny: Poor darling!

Rowling: I mean, I wrote the books! ME! I slaved over them day and night for years, Dumbledore standing over me with a whip! If anyone’s going to chisel a share of profit away from WB, it should be me, ME!

McGonagall: Did you stand over her with a whip?

Dumbledore: I can’t remember…

Bunny: Counsel would like to remind the witness that she signed over her soul. One phone call to ‘Taz’ and—

Rowling: And of course, Malfoy is completely cheating the fans! It’s the fans my heart bleeds for. Once they’ve purchased Malfoy’s guidebook, they’ll have no money left to purchase the super-deluxe Warner-approved OFFICIAL Encyclopedia with all the author’s hidden secrets and decoder ring.

Snape: Yes, I often think of how, if only I hadn’t bought ‘Quidditch Through the Ages’ I might have afforded a copy of ‘The Tales of Beedle the Bard.’

McGonagall: Whose side are you on?

Snape: Well, Joanne’s done nothing but insult me publicly since the last book was published.

Bunny: Your witness, noodle nose.

Malfoy: Ms. Rowling, Warner Brothers has claimed that the Malfoy Guide to Harry Potter simply copied your work.

Rowling: Copied?! You didn’t even take the trouble to copy them! You just tore the covers off a set of Harry Potters, glued them together and added footnotes!

Malfoy: Let the record state: Rowling denied that the Malfoy book copied her work. You also claim the book is libelous.

Rowling: It is!

Malfoy: Would you care to read aloud some of the bits you claim to be inaccurate?

Rowling: No! I was up all night crying about them. If I read them now, my mascara will go all runny.

Malfoy: I’ll read one of the passages the plaintiffs have highlighted. Footnote to HBP Page 563, paragraph two: This paragraph was written after three hours of Joanne staring into space and vacantly picking her nose. When it was finished, she slammed the notebook shut, went out to purchase a liter of chocolate ice cream, ate it at one sitting, and fed the carton to her Jack Russell terrier. That night she insisted on the entire family having salad for dinner because “We are all getting too fat.”

Rowling: (sniffle)

Rumble! (building shakes)

Judge: What was that?

Rowling: That was the wrath of a hundred million besotted fans, infuriated that you made me cry. I’m so upset, if you win this case, I don’t think I’ll have the heart to publish my own encyclopedia.

RUUMBLE!!!

Rowling: In fact, I’m so traumatized, I may never write again!

RRRUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMBLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rowling: (smirks) You’re toast, Malfoy.

Malfoy: No further questions.

Judge: You may step down.

Bunny: We call a rabid fan to the witness stand!

Rowling: Darn. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have told my bodyguards to beat them off so hard. Arnold, Sly—let one through!

Fan: WOOHOO! I’m in the same courtroom as Joanne Rowling! Standing on the same floor she’s standing on! Breathing the same air that she’s breathing!

Bunny: Thanks for coming, Rabid. Tell me, would you buy the Malfoy Guide to Harry Potter?

Fan: Certainly not! Anyone who’d do this to POOOOOOR JO should be ground up and spread over Mars like peanut butter. I’ll throw rocks at Malfoy Publishing! I’ll burn down every bookstore that carries the travesty!

Bunny: I think we have proved the lack of any market need for the Malfoy guide. Your witness, Doc.

Malfoy: Your honor, we request that the rabid fan be treated as a hostile witness.

Fan: Hostile yourself, you vile exploiter of innocent authors!

Judge: Granted. Bailiff, please administer Veritaserum.

Malfoy: So Rabid…would you buy the Malfoy Guide to Harry Potter?

Fan: Duh! I’ve already got a space for it on my shelf, between my other 15 unofficial guides and all the Scholastic copies of HP with bindings that cracked on the tenth reading. How am I supposed to write my Sirius/Shunpike slash novel without all the newest reference materials?

Malfoy: No further questions.

Judge: You may stand down.

Fan: Not without an autographed body part!

Rowling: Forget it.

Fan: Oh, poo.

Bunny: We call the book’s author to the stand!

Rowling: YES!! Let that slimy, plagiarous, ill-bred, murderous flobberworm take the stand! How dare he even CALL himself an author, the revolting hack!

Judge: Ms. Rowling, please put away the harpoon gun.

Rowling: (aiming) MAL-FOY! MAL-FOY! MAL-FOY! MAL-FOY!

Malfoy: Surely you don’t think I’m the author? I am merely the publisher and legal counsel.

Rowling: What? Where’s the demon-cursed so-called author? I demand to see this steaming heap of fetid filth in person! Where is the varlet?

Malfoy: Hiding under the bench.

Rowling: What? Why?

Malfoy: (listens) He says he doesn’t think he can stand up to an 800 pound gorilla…

Judge: Will the media circus please collect their menagerie until after the proceedings?

Lion Tamer Cameraman: My bad, your Honor. Kong! Come, Kong! Bad ape!

Judge: Will the author please take the stand.

Rowling: What the…you’ve got to be kidding me. THAT is the author? That cartoon dog?

Malfoy: This is Shoeshine Boy. He is humble and lovable.

Bunny: Mister Boy, where were you on the night of—

Rowling: Out of the way, Bunny. I’m taking over. Soooo, Shiner…you claim to have written all this libelous garbage and to have danced with the devil in hobnailed boots over the copyright laws, do you?

Shoeshine Boy: Although I am a simple beagle, I’ve always tried to do what’s legal. And I swear to all of you that every word’s completely true!

Bugs: E6.

Rowling: Objection! Your honor, he’s speaking in rhyme. It’s cute. As the aggrieved party, only I am allowed to be cute.

Judge: Overruled.

Malfoy: A2

Rowling: Right. Be that way. Okay, Shine, in the footnote to line 7, page 112 of Chamber of Secrets, you wrote, ‘As she was working on this scene, Rowling, who was at an outdoor café at the time, discovered a wasp had landed in her cup. Wildly waving her manuscript and spitting coffee in every direction, Joanne spattered a large crowd of customers, mostly in white suits, with Columbian bean juice. She never dared to return to that café again.’ Now, mister smarty pants, if that’s true—tell me how you would know! Better yet, tell me how you know I ALLEGEDLY threw away Neil’s lucky shirt when he was away for the weekend, how I ALLEGEDLY took the last slice of Mackenzie’s birthday cake, how I ALLEGEDLY push my toenail clippings down between the couch cushions.

Bugs: G8

Shoeshine Boy: Your question is entirely fair. Don’t you remember—I was there! I fetched your papers, fixed your drinks, cleaned your toilet and scrubbed your sinks.

Malfoy: A3

Rowling: You do look slightly familiar. Are you really that stray dog we took in?

Shoeshine Boy: I mowed your lawn and papered your wall. You called me Fido, I recall.

Rowling: Fido! (to Bugs) We may be in trouble. I think people are going to see this guy as an Underdog.

Bugs: Not only that, I think Lucius is about to sink my battleship.

Rowling: So, Shine…ALIAS Fido. Is Shoeshine Boy even your real name? Never mind, previous crimes are irrelevant. Let’s talk about your OTHER footnotes. They are as shoddy and slip-shod as I remember all your housework being.

Shoeshine Boy: That’s not what you said when I was able to wire your house for DSL and cable. You patted my head and said ‘Good Boy.’ I thought we were friends. It filled me with joy.

Rowling: You thought wrong! Anyway, what kind of friend would expose—I mean ACCUSE me of things like sneaking chips from my kids’ plates when they aren’t looking? What kind of friend would try to resell my books verbatim with such valuable footnotes added as “Werewolves don’t have cubs, really” and “Bird: a warm-blooded, flying avian creature characterized by feathers” and, for something really ridiculous, “Rowling made a mistake, here.” WELL?!

Shoeshine Boy: I thought the author would be elated to have her volumes annotated. I was wrong, and I’m still a fan, although you may not think I am. I never meant to do you harm—I admire your dignity, warmth and charm. (sniffle) Present company excepted.

Rowling: Your Honor, I object! He’s getting all teary-eyed! I’m the aggrieved party, here, ME! I’m the only one allowed to get weepy in court! This…VANDAL is just trying to ride on the coattails of my success all the way to the bank! Off with his head!

Shoeshine Boy: Forgive my inconvenient tears. I worked on those notes for many years. Through thick and thin your tales I’d follow, from Sorcerer’s stone to Deathly Hallow. I’m glad you’re famous. I’m glad you’re rich. But it seems to have turned you into a person who publicly insults and abuses others. (blows nose.)

Judge: I have made my decision. After hearing the arguments in this case, the Wizengamot’s ruling is best summed up by a quotation from Berkely Breathed’s Bloom County comic strip…

Bugs: And that is?

Judge; “Bailiff, kick these two nuts in the butt.”

Man in Black: Excuse me, your Honor—Copyright Police. Please come along quietly.

Judge: Please take me.

Snape: Is that the end of that?

Rowling: Oh, no it’s not! Warner Brothers has enough money and time to drag you through court for eternity! And when eternity’s over, we’ll start using MY money!

Malfoy: Why not? I have nothing better to do…

Shoeshine Boy: My former hero now makes me ill. Where’s that Super Energy Pill?!

Dumbledore: Apparently it’s never going to be over.

Snape: Then let’s all go to lunch.

Sprout: And leave them there, standing, unbudged in their tracks.

Man in Black: Copyright Police. Please come along quietly.


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