January 23rd, 2006, 12:52 am
My friend and I were wondering what would happen if Snape were given the opportunity to defend himself in a court of law against most of what he's been accused of. Using the book we came up with something that ended up being terribly funny. Please note this is an unbiased piece on Snape's guilt or innocence it's meant to be very tongue 'n' cheek.
Judge: Hear ye, hear ye. Court is now in session for the trial of Severus Snape, the self proclaimed Half Blood Prince. The charges that have been brought against the accused are as follows: 1 degree murder of the Late Albus Dumbledore and the abuse and mistreatment of students. The defense and prosecution have both presented very compelling cases, but the defendant has requested the opportunity to present his side of the story and I have granted him the opportunity to do so. Mr. Snape will you please proceed.
Snape: Thank you your Honour. It was my great misfortune to meet these students their first year at Hogwarts. You will note I was not particularly nasty to them right off the bat. It wasn’t until their first potions lesson I knew they were going to be a thorn in my side. People like to point out the singled out Harry at the start of class, I take great exception. I did take notice of him before because of his likeness to James; however I was determined to not hold a grudge against him...the sheer idiocy that was his father. However during my opening lecture I got the distinct impression that he was not paying attention. Therefore I did question him on what knowledge should have been common before he got to my class…obviously I was wrong. Ronald Weasley during that first class was being as Weaslyish as was possible. He has become everything I expected from that family with the exception of Percy, but that a touchy subject. At least he paid attention in class.
Hermione Granger…oh Hermione…what can I say about Hermione. If you had a living encyclopedia walk into your class at the age of twelve what would you do? I was merely trying to prove a point with Harry that he might want to open his books. I didn’t want to see him go the way of his father, but here was Hermione shaking her arm and jumping up and down just waiting for the opportunity to tell everyone what she knew. And now the last one Neville Longbottom. I am a traditional man I have a traditional view of education and my thinking is if the student really doesn’t’ want to be there then go home and stop wasting my time. That is all I will have to say about Neville Longbottom.
Now one might say I got particularly nasty with Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville as the first year progressed. I would like to take this opportunity to say that the little brats were tailing me every chance they got. I understand this began from a misunderstanding in a Quidditch match. Miss Granger got it in her head...unbeknownst to me…I was trying to kill Harry. I will remind everyone that it become quite clear later on that I was trying to save the ungrateful little brat’s life.
Judge: Please refrain from calling the accusers names.
Snape: I apologize your Honor, but I call it as I see it.
Snape: Now, then, where was I….Oh yes Quidditch. After saving his life Harry and his friends took it upon themselves to harass me, follow me, and spread rumours about me every bloody day. Now looking back on it I can see why their first year was suspicious. Because no one in their right mind would have suspected Quirrell which is probably why I was the first one to suspect him. However even after the truth was known they were all determined to despise me…Particularly Harry. I think for the record it should reiterated that this is only the first year.
Judge: Very well. Let the record show that the above account is strictly an account of the first year. This court will ajourn until 12 pm tomorrow afternoon. (bang) Dismissed.
January 24th, 2006, 9:32 pm
Judge: Court will now continue. Mr. Snape may I remind you, you are still under oath. You may continue
Snape: Thank you your Honour. We begin the second year with a blatant act of disrespect and I took it upon myself to bring it to their attention. Perhaps I was a bit harsh, but the Ministry of Magic is not known for their mercy in dealing with cases like this I could not, very well, let them continue on a course that would take them to Azkaban. I would like to point out that once again in the second year I tried to be on Harry’s side. When he was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time I stood up for him in my own way. Even after the incident at the Dueling club I was firmly on the side of Harry and that he wasn’t the Heir of Slytherin. Not because I’m a Slytherin because thought of him being the heir of Slytherin was offensive to me. I knew the heir of Slytherin and I knew it wasn’t Harry. I really don’t have that much to say about Ron and Neville in their second year. They continued on in the course they set their first year of incompetence and foolish indifference. In class Ron proved he'd been taking private lessons in trouble making from his brothers. That's probably where he got the fireworks they set off in class from. Hermione Granger, on the other hand, seemed to have promoted her self from insufferable know it all to petty little thief. I find the fact that she managed to turn herself into a cat to be natural justice.
Now if you don't mind your Honour, might I as for a 15 min. break to mentally prepare for this next portion of my testemony.
Judge: Very well. We will take a brief recess for 15 min. (bang)
January 26th, 2006, 2:29 am
Judge: Court is now in session. Mr. Snape will you please continue with your defense.
Snape: Yes, your Honour.Onto the third year. That was a wonderful year. The year of the werewolf as I like to call it. That year I once again I didn’t get the position I really, really wanted. Instead it was given to Remus Lupin. I’ll say one thing. If the name fits. In my own class, potions, I noticed Hermione’s Granger’s encyclopedic brain had grown over the summer and she was quite vocal about letting you know everything whether you wanted to hear it or night. When I called her an insufferable know it all when I was substitute teaching their DADA class. I was just saying what everyone had called her behind her back. And her friend Ronald Weasley was more than happy to add a quip in her defense. His disrespect grows by the day as he seeks to follow in his older brother’s footsteps….and I don’t mean Percy. I also had to deal with Ronald Weasley and Neville Longbottom and their incessant quest to be the worst in their class. And Harry’s apparent persistent self destructive behavior. You see this year we had a real crisis. Sirius Black, the alleged murder of James and Lily Potter, was at large and believed to be after Harry. Why anyone would want to kill that brat is beyond me.
Judge: Mr. Snape what did I say to you regarding name calling
Snape: Sorry your Honour…old habits die hard
Snape: Now about Lupin. I was particularly harsh with Lupin and very distrustful. But it was out of my concern for Harry. Lupin, as anyone of my generation will remember, was the only of Sirius’s best friends to still be alive. It seemed to me to be a natural assumption that Remus was on the side of his old friend. That he had something to do with his escape from Azkaban and that he would also assist Sirius in finally getting rid of Harry Potter. Obviously I was wrong. However until Dumbledore explained the situation to me I did not know that. If I were to say that I didn’t want revenge on Sirius…for personal reasons…I would be lying. However I firmly believed, as did everyone, that Sirius Black was guilty and was trying to kill Harry. I never took revenge on Harry and his little friends for their foolish actions. At this point I would like to present exhibit D the marauder’s map. This added to my suspicions of Lupin and lead me to believe that Mr. Potter, whether he knew it or not, was bound and determined to get himself killed. For some reason, that I cannot explain, I felt the need to keep the little heathen alive.
Snape: Sorry, back to the Map. I would love to know how Harry got his hands on that map, although if you recall my previous assumptions, you may be able to figure out where he got it. Not only does Harry have a map that could get him into even more trouble (as if he needs help for that), but that map seemed to know it was me and starts insulting me to my face. To make matters worse Harry’s ill attempts at stifling his laughter just made me infuriated that he wasn’t taking this more seriously. Ungrateful little.... When the Ministry of Magic showed up I very easily could have turned them in. Particularly Harry, however I kept it to myself for their own good and I understand they were merely acting under duress.
Fourth year I don’t recall having to many problems I did suspect Harry to be stealing from my private supplies once. I will point out in previous years Hermione that my private stores were her public property. However I was inclined to forgive the stealing this once considering the main goal was to keep Harry alive. There was one incident where Harry’s abnormally large nose was where it shouldn’t belong and then jumped to conclusions AGAIN. We also had the TriWizard Tournament and Victor Krum and star struck giggling girls. There was that one incident with Hermione and Draco…her teeth finally matched her mouth.
Judge: As we are running short on time we will ajourn for this evening and resume testemony tomorrow afternoon at 12pm sharp. Dismissed.
(Feedback would be very welcomed)
January 29th, 2006, 11:19 pm
Judge: Court is now in session. Mr. Snape Please Continue.
Snape: Fifth year was the year of the odious woman. I never knew it was possible for a human being to look remarkably like a toad, but Dolores pulls it off quite well. IF I was nastier then usual I hope you will understand it was mostly due to that woman interrupting MY class and breathing down MY neck. I also had the privilege (with a pained expression) of giving Mr. Harry Potter lessons in Occlumency which was the headmaster’s idea not mine. These lessons were just as exhausting and just as painful for me as they were for him particularly because he would do what I bloody told him to do. (Looking at Harry) You can’t sit there and tell me you gave it your all and practiced like you should have.
Judge: Mr. Snape will you please keep your comments directed at court.
Snape: I’m sorry, but that doesn’t change the fact he didn’t do what he was suppose to do and he blamed me. And after he blamed me he had the audacity to invade my private thoughts that I out of coarsely and respect for the dead deliberately hid from him. And after catching him in the act he again had the gall to blame me for losing my temper. Now given the year before one might think or ask why could I be more sensitive to the students after all they lost a friend. For some of them this is their first death experience. There is a very good reason. We are at war. These children will be experiencing many more deaths and indeed we already have. If I had allowed them to become paralyzed by this one loss. How many more deaths would be responsible for. They need to learn to fight though that adversity and if I am the means of that adversity so be it. This year was also their OWL year which is a very important year and I let their lives come to a halt even though they had lost one of their own. Not expected them to do well, particularly Neville and Ron, but try to prepare them.
I would like to say as harsh as I was I did also try to stand up for Harry. Obviously I was not always there and there were times when I was as crabby and as nasty as he was to me, but when Dolores Umbridge was going to give Veritiserum on students, particularly Harry. I was against it. I couldn’t do anything about it, but I was against it. The most I could do was keep her from getting more which I did because some people have no concept of the time it takes to brew a HIGHLY COMPLEX potion. Fortunately for me Dolores is one of those people. Harry in this year, as in every year, had an adventure that was of his own doing. One incident involved the Centaurs in the Forbidden Forest. Who do you think it was that saved Harry’s A—Butt? Me. And who was that alerted the Order of that very obvious trap at the Ministry. Yours Truly. About that unfortunate business I can not honestly say I am sad to see Sirius gone. It is a sad event when one passes, but some passings…how shall we say it…have a little more joy to them. Not saying I wished Sirius dead…well…I suppose I am, but that’s beside the point. I am sad for the effect his death caused. Although I do not understand how anyone could love that Son of a….
Judge: MR. SNAPE do I have to keep reminding you of your language. This court will ajourn until noon tomorrow and by that time I hope you will have curbed your tongue. DISMISSED (Bang)
February 2nd, 2006, 1:27 am
Judge: Court is now in session. Mr. Snape please continue.
Snape: Sorry. Now on to year six. Finally I got the job of my dreams... as ominous as that was I got the job, but now I have double duty. Not only did I have to keep Harry from getting himself killed, but I now have another ungrateful little brat (quickly looks at Judge and waiting for her to yell)…to watch over. However I would rather, and I know this is going to come as a surprise to you, take Harry over Malfoy. This year was also the year that the second charge brought against me occurred but I will address that separately. I had the privilege of teaching Nonverbal spells and for once Hermione’s encyclopedic brain was useful. I just wish her talent would rub off on her friends. If she would she would say things in her own words they might hove some more power. Speaking of power to the very last I was trying to get Harry to grasp this concept and I hope to the very last he does…for his sake…although if the past is any indication he won’t. In fact Defense against the Dark Arts is suppose to be his best subject. A subject where he got an OUTSTANDNG on his O.W.L.S. But what did he do? Like every other year, in my class, he slacked off. And then what did he do...he blamed it on me. (looking at Harry) You can't sit there and tell me you applied yourself in that class because I know you thrive on that stuff.
Judge: Mr. Snape please keep your comments directed at the bench.
Snape: Sorry. But it's true. The only thing I missed about teaching potions was my potions book. More specifically my mother’s potion book. When I discovered it was in the position of Harry I was rightly upset. Not only was it family property, but there are some things in there which aren’t appropriate for…well…not for anyone. I’m not proud of my dark past and I would not like it repeated by the likes of Harry Potter. I got him using one of the more harmful dark spells in that book on another student! I could not very well have him expelled for a spell I designed, but to use them against a fellow student, and then to get angry with me for punishing him? Well, we all know Harry Potter has the art of disrespect down really well. To students now a day…might see Harry as witty and funny and to teachers he might be seen as a smart aleck and leader of the class besides they’re not as harsh as they use to be. Well when I was teaching Mr. Potter “not as harsh as they used to be” meant something different. What it means now is what it meant then, if you can follow this. By expecting Harry to call me sir and be treated with what might be called deference I wasn’t asking for much. All I was asking for was the respect he owed to me as his teacher. His blatant disrespect was a rather ominous sign remincent of his father, but also of another person. Someone we all know, but very few will speak of. I was quite rightly put out. Just when he arrived at Hogwarts improperly attired. I did not know what happened on the train. My assumption was that Harry had gotten in a fight on the train, and felt it was beneath him to bring this to the attention of the proper authorities. So having him walk into the great hall with Muggle clothing and a bloody face seemed a just punishment. As far as my harassment of Nymphadora…
Tonks: IT’S TONKS
Snape: As far as my harassment of Nymphadora Tonks goes. I cannot abide people moping it’s a waste of time and a distraction we cannot afford. In conclusion to the charge of mistreatment of students I never acted outside of my position of teacher. I never singled any student for no reason. I never required any of these particular students that I didn’t require of every student and any perceived mistreatment by me is a direct result of their deliberate disrespect of me.
February 12th, 2006, 7:04 am
(for this next part I kind of have to explain. If you've read Jasper Fforde you'll know where I'm going with this. If you haven't the easiset way to explain it is that the characters have a life that we never see and what he's done is pull what the characters really do when we aren't reading them. Book characters are governed by an agencey called Jurisfiction If you don't understand keep reading and it will make sense. )
Snape: Now to the charge of murdering Albus Dumbledore. I’m guilty. I killed him
*collective gasp in court room*
Snape: I do not deny it and I do not make any apologies. Albus Dumbledore needed to die.
Harry: YOU -********** MURDERER
Judge: Mr. Potter if you cannot control yourself I will have you removed from this courtroom.
Prosecution: Mr. Snape why did you did you do such a thing.
Defense: Objection, your Honour. The answer my client gives may possibly enganger his life more than it already is.
Judge: Sustained. Due to this rather unique turn of events I would ask everyone to reconvine in two years and we will find out what is to be done.
February 21st, 2006, 3:17 am
would love to hear what everyone thought of this.