CoSForums Archive - U - Saying no to marriage

Hufflepuffy

September 25th, 2003, 4:53 am

I don't think the relationship should end in all cases. Like maybe the girl just isn't ready to be married. But if she is sure she doesn't want to marry you, what's the point, you know?

Boys need to be sure they want to get married, too. My best friend's boyfriend proposed to her, and they were engaged for about 9 months, and then he decided that maybe he wasn't ready to get married, and took the ring back, but they're still dating. She's not sure what the point is anymore, though.

Fairydust

September 25th, 2003, 6:15 am

I don't think someone should end a relationship just because their marriage proposal went bellyup. I mean, just because a person doesn't want to get married doesn't mean the person doesn't want to be with the proposer anymore. It just means that they don't want to get married. However, a flat out 'no' would probably make the relationship awkward later on.

Can't really say 'cuz I've never been proposed to. :shrugs: this is a dilly of a pickle. :p

Emma

September 25th, 2003, 6:23 am

They could just not be ready or even want to marry.

Believe me it is no picnic. I will never marry again. Matter of fact I was talked into official marriage in church only 3 years ago. I wouldn't count the 3rd year as a marriage.

Long Story.....Sorry....

vickygirl4

September 25th, 2003, 6:26 am

I think it really depends on the situation. For some couples, ending the relationship would be the best solution after a marriage proposal is rejected, while for others, it might be better to stay together and maybe try marriage a little later. A lot of times, people reject marriage proposals not because they don't love their significant other, but simply because they're not ready to settle down yet. It would be silly to end a loving relationship because of this.

Weatherby

September 25th, 2003, 9:29 am

You have to look into your reasons for saying no. Is it long-term or is it a temporary thing such as finishing school or acheiving some other goal.
If it's personal the relationship may not go forward further. It could. It really depends on the person.
Egos get bruised rather easily in relationships. A mature person may want to wait but another will say "Fine. You don't want me at all." and call it quits.
But if it's worth waiting for then it won't be damaged by waiting a little while longer.

Marriage isn't for everyone.

Mireille

September 25th, 2003, 2:11 pm

When you think about it, ending the relationship because one isn't ready to get married seems extreme. But in actuality it's not. For some people they are ready to get married very quickly while someone else isn't. If she isn't ready to get married, but he is, then there could be a lot of problems with the relationship if the two decide to stay together.

Angora

September 25th, 2003, 5:40 pm

As so many people have said, it depends on situation. Not just why the second person said no, but what the first person meant by "marriage".

Did he mean he wants a wedding, did he mean he wants legal documents, did he mean he wants a commitment but he didn't know how else to ask for one, blah, blah blah.

As a personal example, I don't believe in marriage at all. I think two people can be together exclusively and happily forever (theoretically) but I don't think they need to be "married" to do that. So if I said "no" it doesn't necessarily mean that I feel different about the other person, it means I feel different about marriage. And so that would be the issue at hand, rather than how much we liked each other.

I don't know if that made sense.

Animagi rock!

September 28th, 2003, 1:33 am

You made perfect sense.

I don't want to get married either, it's just not important to me, and luckily my boyfriend feels the same, but I guess it could be a bit of an awkward situation if one person thinks that the only way to show commitment is to get married and the other doesn't think marriage is the right thing for him/her.

If she just says "not yet" and not "no" then I don't think there's a problem with continuing the relationship. The love is still there and she does want to marry him eventually but just doesn't feel ready for it yet. I guess some guys wouldn't take that too well, but it's not a problem that couldn't be solved.

Perdita

September 28th, 2003, 1:57 am

I agree with Fairydust (WHOA!), that just because a girl has said no, it doesn't mean that these two can't continue to date.

Marriage could have dramatic implications for her career (schooling or working). It also depends on what stage in their relationship the girl feels that they've reached.

To him, they've reached the stage where he is sure he wants to marry her, but she is not so sure about him. This may not be an issue of trust, but simply an issue of maturity within each individual, as well as their maturity as a couple. If he is ahead of her in terms of how mature he sees their relationship and she wants to wait, then he should respect that, give her some more time.

If she is not willing to marry him because she doesn't trust him or because she doesn't love him as much as he loves her, then yes, I think that in this case it might do both of them good if they break up. That speaks to the heart of their relationship, that if there is no love nor trust, the relationshionship would have no basis on which to exist, let alone a marriage.

Benzo

September 28th, 2003, 5:36 pm

I go with the last few posters.

What do you mean by marriage? The guy can say no for ethical reason. For example, if one is a believer but not the other one, they can love each other and be happy forever without getting married. If marriage is the only way to have a long term relationship for one of them, that might be the beginning of the end, unless one will get married because he loves her so much.

LuvCreevey

September 29th, 2003, 8:28 am

There are lots of reasons for a proposal rejection. It might just not be the right time in her life, unless she tells you that there is never a possibility of marriage in the future, I would say; Stay!

miri

October 1st, 2003, 7:34 pm

What if somebody really mucks up proposing to you, so you think it's a hypothetical *years from now* question?

One of my ex boyfriends got down on one knee, and said:
'I know you're way too young to really think about this now [I was 16 and he was 22], but I have no doubt that we'll stay together, so if we're still together when you finish University, will you get engaged to me?'

I said yes, even though we hadn't been together that long, because I figured that by the time what he was talking about came in to play, we'd have been together for 4 years (and if we lasted that long then chances are it would be where we were heading anyway). He got me an engagement ring.

4 weeks later, I broke up with him because I realised I couldn't trust him. It was harder because he was my fiance then (even though I really hadn't expected that to happen) than it would have been,but it was do-able.

And probably a lot more tactful than asking him why he was asking me to get engaged THEN, when he did... :p

haycheng

October 1st, 2003, 8:40 pm

The effect of "NO" do depend on many different facts. To me, marry is a vow that I take to make everything offical(in my mind and in legal document). That mean I would not date any female anymore offically. It also means it is my duty to take care of her.

I do not plan to ask until I am believe that I know her well enough that I can spend by life with her. I probably also assume there is a fair chance that she will answer yes.(why ask if you expecting a no). If I get rejected, I must need to know why. Do she mean she never want to marry? Does she have a time table? Do I havent had she trust yet?

If she never intent to marry me, I guess I would move on. If she does not trust me, I must find out what wrong and what can be done. If nothing I can do, then I would also move on.

Marry mean different thing to different people. If they do not ever share your believe in marry, then there is no reason to continous the relationship at all.

WeasleyIsOurKing

October 4th, 2003, 5:59 pm

I wouldn't know what to do... I've never been in that situation or anywhere close to it, seeing as I'm only 14. I would hope that the man and the woman could maybe try to keep going in their relationship going, and let it run its course and see how things go. Maybe whoever turned down the offer would change their mind? Maybe they weren't ready before? The relationship might be to damaged to continue on, so I would hate to be in that situation. :sigh:

linzee4life

July 4th, 2004, 10:54 pm

I think the answer to this question could differ depending on the circumstance. If the girl has good reason, like she wants to wait a while to get married or she wants to be more financially stable, then they should say together. If she says no because she doesn't want to be with him anymore, they should break up. People that break up rarely stay friends.

crookshanksmom

July 4th, 2004, 11:45 pm

Well, if she says no because the only reason he asked her to marry him is because she's pregnant or something, then why should they break up? A girl has to be sure the guy is asking to get married because he wants her, not because of some life circumstance. A girl may also say no when she really means "not right now" because she's got things she needs to take care of-finishing school, there may be family problems like an illness or criminal charges against someone, she may even just want to take one more trip on her own just to prove she can. In all those cases, a relationship doesn't have to end. However, if she says no because she's still immature, not ready for a steady relationship, still playing the field, then cooling off may be a good idea. However, guys have very fragile self-esteems and it's rare for a relationship to survive after a rejected proposal, even if it was just a "wait til later" thing and not a flat-out no.

i am bellatrix

July 4th, 2004, 11:48 pm

i think if the girl just isn't ready yet, but says she can see herself marrying him in the future, then the relationship should continue. he obviously really loves her to propose, so he wouldn't just up and leave!

Marie Lexis

July 5th, 2004, 12:45 am

It depends on how you are in the relationship. I'm sure if someone say's no to a proposal then they would state the reason why instead of being insinsitive to someone else's feelings. Like if you say maybe you are not ready for marriage...then I'm sure that he will understand. But I don't think that they relationship would be over just like that*snaps finger*.

Bouncing_Ferret

July 5th, 2004, 1:31 pm

I agree with what most people have been saying about it all depending on the individual situation. In some cases, it might be easier to part ways after a rejected marriage proposal, just because it symbolised a sort of 'last attempt' at commitment. Sometimes, marriage proposals are far too rash or hurried - for example, I was recently proposed to by an attendant at the Covent Garden store after having been browsing in the shop for about twenty five seconds! :D In such cases, I think a rejection of the proposal could probably be taken as the end of the relationship...

In other cases, it might be necessary for one partner to reject a proposal because of current circumstances - personal, financial, or emotional. It's really impossible to make a final judgement on this subject, because the notion of marriage means something different to basically anybody in the world.

Classical_Wizar

July 5th, 2004, 1:54 pm

Wab

July 5th, 2004, 2:03 pm

Doesn't have to mean the relationship is over but if the couple's views about where their relationship is at are so divergent they probably need to have a serious look at their communication.

Tane

July 5th, 2004, 2:08 pm

wow a lot of females saying no.
I guess it depends on the relationship. He or she just might not be ready at the time just because someone refuses you at that time doesn’t mean a relationship should break up, it depends on the people, and what their idea are and what they want out of life, etc. situations and all have to be right not because it's the right thing, or the next level of a relationship, or because someone thinks it will fix their relationship but because the two want to spend the rest of their lives together.

Exactly, there is a time and place for everything and both have to be sure that they want to get married. Just because someone is ready, it really does not mean there partner is nor does it mean the end of a relationship, it just means that they need more time to think about it all. So I don't think a relationship should end just because of the word no, marriage is a sign of trust, loyalty and respect, that is just to name but a few things that can come from a partner. If a person says no to a marriage and you accept there reasoning to stay together still, then you love that person enough to respect there wishes.

Deliah

July 5th, 2004, 2:30 pm

Every boyfriend I had knows that I do not belive in state or church and therefor don't feel the need to sign a contract with one of these institutions about my relationship.
For me a relationship is between me and my boyfriend and I don't need anyone to set up rules for how to lead my relationship or how to end it ...
So yeah - if my boyfriend would ask me to marry him (not for pratical reasons like having to pay less tax) this would show that he has a totaly different view of life in general ... don't think a relationship with him would work very well anyway.

HollywoodBob

July 5th, 2004, 3:11 pm

glugunkwen

July 5th, 2004, 4:48 pm

It seems to me that if a relationship is open and honest, both parties would know how the other feels about marriage. As a relationship grows deeper, plans for the future are something usually discussed.

If someone (male or female) pops the question and is surprised by a rejection, then this may be a sign that the relationship needs a little more work - or a sign that they don't respect their partners position on marriage, which of course means that the relationship needs more work.

Kirsten

July 5th, 2004, 8:00 pm

It depends on the relationship. My ex asked me to marry him several times, and although I wanted to marry him, I had to say no because I want kids and he doesn't. We could have got married and been happy for a while, but eventually it would have driven us apart. We stayed together for four years and tried to find a solution, but in the end it was the children thing that drove us apart, not the marriage thing.

For some couples, where one wants marriage and one doesn't, the difference of opinion is enough to split them up. Others can say well, I want marriage but my partner doesn't, and I want to be with him/her more than I want marriage, so we'll stay together, not married. Others feel so strongly that they want marriage that they're not prepared to settle for anything less.

Good communication is the key!

Knut4UrThghts

July 7th, 2004, 5:29 pm

Well as someone who recently popped the question, I can say that a no mostly likely means it's time to call it quits, except in very special situations.

But at the same time, that's a question that if you don't know the answer ahead of time, you're a fool asking it.

-HollywoodBob

I agree with Bob. People who have dated for a while (or even a short time) often talk about their future plans in terms of their beliefs, desires and long term goals -- college, jobs, religion, children, and marriage. Even though they may just be talking about the distant future, those opinions and feelings have a significant impact on the relationship. For example, if a man says he "never wants children" and the woman says, "I'd love to have children some day" after they see a woman pushing a stroller in the park, that might be a clue that the relationship doesn't have a long term future. So, I would have to agree that if a man proposes and the woman says no, then the relationship should end. If you can get something that serious that wrong, the relationship wasn't what you thought it was and it is time to move on.
Personally, I believe in marriage because frankly, living together (no matter for how long) is NOT the same because of the legal privileges and protection that marriage provides. Interestingly, the singer Sting and Trudie Styler lived together for years and had several children. When they asked the children what they wanted as a gift, the kids all said, "Get Married!" so they did! I think a happy, solid marriage with two people committed to each other is the best foundation for raising a family, so in that sense, marriage is very important.

Wab

July 7th, 2004, 5:40 pm

Personally, I believe in marriage because frankly, living together (no matter for how long) is NOT the same because of the legal privileges and protection that marriage provides.

Depends where you live. Here a long-term defacto relationship gives the partners the same rights as marriage.

Rowena Ravenclaw

July 7th, 2004, 7:40 pm

Depends where you live. Here a long-term defacto relationship gives the partners the same rights as marriage.

In most places, I think that's only true so long as the couple is together. If they decide to split up and need to divide assets, or if something happens to one of them, the legalities get trickier than they would with a married couple.

HarryPotter

July 7th, 2004, 7:43 pm

I think that it depends exclusively of the two persons involved on the relationship... different persons react in different ways...

FlyingPhoenix

July 7th, 2004, 7:55 pm

I don't know. I mean if a guy ask me something like that he is willing to share something with me what is rather special and if then I say no, I don't want to share this with you its to me as if this relationship find a limit.
If a relationship reach a limit in developing then surely I think this should probably the end of it in general. At least its better for both partys. A failed marriage did always hang like a sword over their heads no matter what and certainly the person who asked will or rather should think about why that one said No. Its rather crucial, say no there is a different reason to it why it was a no.

emerald eyes

July 8th, 2004, 4:02 am

I knew a girl in my dorm in college that said yes. They had been madly in love all through college supposedly. Made all the plans got the dress, blah, blah, blah, sent invitations, and then she just decided she only said yes b/c that's what your "supposed" to do in that situation. So she called it off and in her case never even wanted to see the guy again. Poor guy, I don't think he was himself again for about a year or 2. This is not the situation you ever want to find yourself in!

And how in the heck to uninvite everyone to your wedding? :huh:

Honesty is always best. But the person you have to be the most honest with is yourself, and we are very good at decieving our own selves at times. If you have the slightest reservation you need to voice it and talk about it. It is much better to say no if its how you feel. But I also agree that those who are really in a true commited relationship usually talk about all aspects of the future together and know each others feelings. However I know of some times when just asking out of the blue has made some people very happy. :)

Raven_Girly

January 5th, 2005, 10:34 am

It really depends on why the woman said "no". If she just doesn't want to get married yet, the couple might be abe to talk it out, and stay together. However, if she doesn't want to get married ever, this could be a problem.

As HarryPotter said above, it also depends on the two people themselves and how they react to the situation. They could be willing to come to a compromise, or they might decide that it is time to go their separate ways.

I don't really know - I'm only 16! I'm no expert on love and marriage and all that stuff...and I don't think I need to be thinking about it all just yet!

mrsmichael6300

January 5th, 2005, 10:53 am

Well, that would depend first on why you've said, "No." If it's because you don't believe that you and said boyfriend have been together long enough to be contemplating such a step, I would think you might stay together and continue to get to know one another. Unless of course his sudden proposal has caused you to want to get out of the relationship because you feel as though he might be a bit needy.

If your reason for saying, "No," hingest on the fact that you don't feel as though you should be getting married at that point in your life, then I see no issue with staying together, either. A good man, a man you love, ought to be willing to respect your decisions.

If your reason for saying, "No," is because you can't imagine yourself with him the rest of your life, then it's a bit tricky. There's nothing wrong with dating just to date, and if that's what you were doing, not looking for committment, then I'd say the relationship has ended because he was obviously looking for more, and there's no use continuing. If you are still willing to date him just for fun, even after his proposal, and he's amenable, what's the harm? If it's because of his personality, then you might consider ending it. Sometimes asking the question prompts a lady to realize that her boyfriend is not quite who she wants in life.

If your reason for saying, "No," is that you're afraid of what your family might think, you should examine that a bit further.

In other words, there's no hard and fast answer to that question. You first have to decide why you turned him down, and then go from there. It really ought to be talked out between you and the boyfriend.

Chrysalis

January 5th, 2005, 12:17 pm

What if you say 'no' if you don't believe in the concept of marriage?

mrsmichael6300

January 5th, 2005, 12:51 pm

What if you say 'no' if you don't believe in the concept of marriage?

LOL. I'd say that yo have to sort that out between the two of you. Are you against living with a man at all, or just marrying him? Marriage isn't a necessity -- it's just a formality. If he can't live with the fact taht you won't marry him, I'd guess that would be the end of that. If he can, what's the harm in keeping him around, unless you decide you don't like him very much after all?

Abak

January 5th, 2005, 9:36 pm

I guess it happens, but I think most people would not ask, if they didn't know the answer. They get really nervous even if their partner has made it quite clear that he or she wants to marry him.

Chrysalis

January 6th, 2005, 1:15 pm

LOL. I'd say that yo have to sort that out between the two of you. Are you against living with a man at all, or just marrying him? Marriage isn't a necessity -- it's just a formality. If he can't live with the fact taht you won't marry him, I'd guess that would be the end of that. If he can, what's the harm in keeping him around, unless you decide you don't like him very much after all?
Well, if a couple wouldn't have sorted out their view of the concept of marriage by now they would not be very well suited to each other it seems.:) For me, I see no point in getting married if a couple is not planning on having children anyway. Marriage is just a formality to simplify legal proceedings in the case of children.

DocHollidaywe

January 7th, 2005, 12:07 am

The couple would have to do some evaluating. Where do they see themselves down the road. Is saying no, just because the timing is really bad. (ie: middle of college education.) See where you both think the relationship is going, and then determine if it should continue or end.

crookshanksmom

January 8th, 2005, 7:55 pm

A kind of off-shoot, but still on a very similiar subject: How do you view women proposing marriage to men? I think it's a great idea. I mean, I would immagine it's very hard for a guy to ask a woman to marry him. Why not take some of the pressure of those pore fellas and shoulder some of the burden ourselves? I mean, we're all for equel opportunities right? And look at most men's wrists-their watches are either old, out of date, too sporty for interviews, or you just think they need a nicer one. Why not surprise your love with a new watch (instead of a girly engagement ring) and pop the question yourself?

Bunny

January 8th, 2005, 8:34 pm

Well as someone who recently popped the question, I can say that a no mostly likely means it's time to call it quits, except in very special situations.
The question and the answer do so depend on the individuals.
If both people love each other and one proposes and the other says no why does this mean that a relationship must end?
I have a friend who has three children by her partner. He asked her to marry him and she has refused. She does love him, but doesn't want to marry him. They are still together. Well, that would depend first on why you've said, "No." If it's because you don't believe that you and said boyfriend have been together long enough to be contemplating such a step, I would think you might stay together and continue to get to know one another. Unless of course his sudden proposal has caused you to want to get out of the relationship because you feel as though he might be a bit needy.

If your reason for saying, "No," hingest on the fact that you don't feel as though you should be getting married at that point in your life, then I see no issue with staying together, either. A good man, a man you love, ought to be willing to respect your decisions.

If your reason for saying, "No," is because you can't imagine yourself with him the rest of your life, then it's a bit tricky. There's nothing wrong with dating just to date, and if that's what you were doing, not looking for committment, then I'd say the relationship has ended because he was obviously looking for more, and there's no use continuing. If you are still willing to date him just for fun, even after his proposal, and he's amenable, what's the harm? If it's because of his personality, then you might consider ending it. Sometimes asking the question prompts a lady to realize that her boyfriend is not quite who she wants in life.

If your reason for saying, "No," is that you're afraid of what your family might think, you should examine that a bit further.

In other words, there's no hard and fast answer to that question. You first have to decide why you turned him down, and then go from there. It really ought to be talked out between you and the boyfriend. Good post, everything I would like to have said and I think it covers my friends situation.