Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Phrozenone, Wow!

Though I can easily tell that it is just a first draft, I love your DH script, especially the parts where we see Ginny, Luna and Neville.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

You can see my script of DH here. It is professionally formated and I worked really hard about it. I'd like to hear feedback.

Enjoy!

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I must disagree. In my preferred version of the scene, the audience questions Snape's loyalty just as much as the elongated, Bellatrix version. If Narcissa says, "Will you, Severus Snape, fulfill the Dark Lord's wishes if Draco should fail," then the audience begins thinking that Snape is on Voldemort's side. I am also using my version of the scene as the opening scene. If the Bellatrix version is used, it does not make a very intense, intriguing scene (it gets somewhat dull just hearing Snape shoot down Bellatrix's accusations). Also, the audience will have forgotten many of the points Bellatrix brings up: why Snape did not go to Voldemort upon his return (GoF), why Snape stopped Voldemort from getting the Stone (SS/PS), why he did not fight at the Ministry (OotP, and no one saw the faces of the Death Eaters). Overall, this scene requires flashbacks that ruin its mood. Thus, have the audience question Snape's loyalties by simply mention that he will be doing the Dark Lord's wishes.
I also do not think the Unbreakable Vow needs to be specifically named in the scene I drafted because it will be revealed later. If the threads of fire are locking the two hands, then the audience knows that a magical vow is being made.
I must admit I like the idea of beginning with the Dumbledore/Grindelwald duel, but it will not work. The audience would be incredibly confused, and by the time they are introduced to Dumbledore and Grindelwald's relationship, they will have forgotten the 1 minute clip they saw at the beginning. It makes a good opening scene, but only if the audience understands why the scene was included soon after. This, however, is not the case. Thus, simply start with The Dark Lord Ascending.
I do not have time to read much of this, but I scrolled down and immediately saw the Dirk/Ted/Griphook scene. Cut this.

In Dark Lord Ascending, do not mention that Lupin/Tonks have been married: have their wedding be in the stead of Bill and Fleur's (ah - just a typo, I see). Also, Ollivander's appearance is most unexpected. Few will remember who he is, so Voldemort needing information from him will be confusing (the readers of the book understood that Ollivander would tell him about the twin cores - the movie audience will be clueless). Thus, substitute him with somebody else or cut this part.

You spent too long with dialogue between Harry and the Dursleys. It should be quick, and the guard should appear at the same time, with one or two members taking the Dursleys away. Cut the tastiness of Harry's potion (no one remembers it from CoS). Cut the ghoul and Scrimgeour. I would have Mad-Eye give him the bag at the Dursleys or Kingsley/Lupin give him the stuff at the Burrow (the trio will go up to Ron's room and look at the stuff there). Cut Lupin at Grimmauld Place. Perhaps even cut Kreacher's story/locket - have Harry have the locket since his excursion into the cave.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Hope all of you had a wonderful holiday and thanks for all the opinions on my DH script. I really appreciate it and whenever I get more done I'll gladly add more here for more opinions :) Now here's the next section of my HBP script:

INT. HOGWARTS-MOVING STAIRS/FAT LADY CORRIDOR/GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM-AFTERNOON

The scene cuts to a shot of Hogwarts and cuts to Ron walking ahead of Harry and Ginny towards the Common Room.

RON
Percy’s such a prick, I mean storming out on mum like that.

HARRY
Well he certainly paid for it, wonder how he got the mashed potatoes in his glasses
(He looks at Ginny and smile. Ron walks up to the Fat Lady.)

RON
Baubles

FAT LADY
No!

RON
What d’you mean no?

FAT LADY
There’s a new password, if u haven’t figured that out already.

RON
But…we don’t know it.

FAT LADY
Not my problem is it!

HERMIONE
(From behind them)
Harry! Ginny!
(They turn around and we see Hermione run into view.)
How are you?

HARRY
Excellent, don’t know the new password, could you…?
(he knobs towards the Fat Lady)

HERMIONE
Oh right, Abstinence!

FAT LADY
Precisely

The portrait swings open and they all walk into the common room. Lavender jumps up just as soon as she see’s Ron.

LAVENDER
WON WON!!!
(She runs up to him and hugs him. Harry and Ginny look at each other and laugh and Hermione rolls her eyes and walks off)
Oh I’ve missed you
(She kisses him continuously on the cheek.)

GINNY
Well I have to go and find Dean, later.

The camera zooms in on Harry’s face as he watches her walk away and the scene slowly fades too to…

EXT. THE BLACK LAKE SHORE-EVENING

Harry sitting outside wrapped in his scarf looking out at the lake still half frozen. We see a dark figure approach from the rear and soon reveals itself as Hermione.

HERMIONE
A knut for your thoughts?

HARRY
Oh hey.

HERMIONE
May I?

HARRY
Sure

She takes a seat beside him.

HARRY
I was just thinking, about this time last year was the last time I really talked to Sirius. Sometimes I…I just wish…we had more time.

HERMIONE
You’ve been handling it pretty well Harry, I don’t think I could’ve shown nearly as much strength as you did this year

HARRY
It’s just…I know Sirius wouldn’t want me to…worry. But it’s just hard, knowing he won’t be writing again.

HERMIONE
But he’s still here Harry. As long as you keep his memory strong, he will always be there.
(He throws a pebble into the lake.)
That’s not the only thing on your mind is it?

HARRY
What makes you think…

HERMIONE
You know Harry, sometimes you have to do what your heart says, it’ll never lead you wrong.

HARRY
What do you….

HERMIONE
Oh nothing

She gives him a slight smile and walks away as Harry looks back off into the distance. He smiles as he realizes that Hermione is talking about Ginny and the scene fades to…

INT. DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE-NIGHT

DUMBLEDORE
I hear that the Minister of Magic met with you over Christmas.

HARRY
Yeah, he wanted me to tell the Wizarding community that the Ministry’s doing a wonderful job.

DUMBLEDORE
And?

HARRY
Well I said no of course, after everything Fudge has done, after Umbridge!

DUMBLEDORE
Within hours of Scrimgeour’s appointment we met and he demanded that I arrange a meeting with you…

HARRY
I heard you two argued, is that the reason sir?

DUMBLEDORE
Yes, it appears however that Rufus found a way to corner you at last.

HARRY
He accused me of being ‘Dumbledore’s man through and through”

DUMBLEDORE
Really? How very rude of him.

HARRY
I told him I was.

Dumbledore looks up at Harry and smile as he turns and walks towards the Pensieve

DUMBLEDORE
Now the memory I’m about to show you now Harry is very important, pay close attention!

INT. SLUGHORNS CLASS NIGHT (SIXTY YEARS AGO)

There is a flash and now Harry and Dumbledore are standing in a room with a young Slughorn, Tom, and other slytheran students. We see Tom is now wearing the black ring that Gaunt had.

TOM
Sir, is it true that Professor Merrythought is retiring?

SLUGHORN
Tom, if I knew I couldn’t tell you. I must say, I’d like to know where you get your information. Thank you for the pineapple, by the way, it is my favorite.
(The whole room turns into fog and we can only see Dumbledore and Harry and then we hear Slughorns voice.)
You’ll go wrong, boy, mark my words!
(The fog clears and everything reappears and everyone looks as though nothing happened.)
Good gracious, is it time already? You’d better get going, or we’ll all be in trouble. Lestrange, I want your essay by tomorrow or it’s detention. Same for you, Avery.

(All the other students except Tom leaves.)

SLUGHORN
What is it Tom? You don’t want you to be caught out of bed.

TOM
Sir, I wanted to ask you something.

SLUGHORN
Ask away, m’boy!

TOM
I wondered, sir, what you know about…Horcruxes?

(The room fills with fog again and we hear Slughorns voice again boom out.)

SLUGHORN
I don’t know anything about Horcruxes and I wouldn’t tell you if I did! Now get out of here at once and don’t let me catch you mentioning them again!

Dumbledore grabs Harry shoulder and with a flash we see them come out of the Pensieve.

HARRY
Sir, that ring that Voldemort had on…

DUMBLEDORE
Good eye Harry, you see shortly after Morfins realease Tom found him. My theory is he stunned Morfin. He used Morfins wand to kill his father and grandparents and filled Morfin with false memories made him think that he’s done it. He took the ring obviously.

HARRY
There was something odd about Slughorns memory

DUMBLEDORE
Ah yes, as you can tell Harry, that memory has been tampared with.

HARRY
Why would he do that?

DUMBLEDORE
I think he is ashamed of what he remembers. Now Harry, I have a homework assignment for you. It is your job to persuade Professor Slughorn to divulge the real memory, which will undoubtedly be our most crucial piece of information of all. It is most important that we secure the true memory, Harry! So, good luck, and goodnight.

INT-CORRIDOR-DAY

The scene cuts to Hermione and Harry walking towards potions class together

HERMIONE
Horcruxes…I’ve never even heard of them…they must be really advanced Dark Magic, or why would Voldemort have wanted to know about them? It’s going to be difficult to get the information from him Harry, you should think out a strategy.

HARRY
Ron reckons I should just hang back after Potions this afternoon…

HERMIONE
Oh, well, if Won Won thinks that, you’d better do it.

HARRY
Hermione, can’t you just…

HERMIONE
No!

INT. POTIONS CLASS-DAY (MOMENTS LATER)

SLUGHORN
You all are to create an antidote for the poison within it before the end of the lessons. Good luck!

HERMIONE
It’s a shame that the Prince won’t be able to help you much with this, Harry. You have to understand the principles involved this time.
(She starts collecting ingredients.)

RON
You sure the Prince hasn’t got any tips?

HARRY
No

We see Harry turn through the book. The scene cuts showing everyone with potions brewing and Harry still looking through the book. Slughorn is walking around checking cauldrons. The camera zooms in to the book where we see the writing ‘Just shove a bezoar down their throats.’ Harry reads this and jumps up and goes towards the cupboard and rummaged through it. He picks up this little brown ball just as Slughorn yells Times..UP! Now Slughorn is walking around the class examining everyone’s potions

SLUGHORN
Very good, Ms. Granger

HERMIONE
Thank you sir!

SLUGHORN
And what do you have for me, Harry?

HARRY
Oh…um…(He opens his hand and we see the small brown ball in his hand.)

SLUGHORN
You’ve got nerve, boy!
(He grabs it and holds it up for the class to see.)
Oh, you’re like your mother. A bezaor, a stone taken from the stomach of a goat, would certainly act as an antidote to all these potions!

The camera pans to Hermione with a dissappointed look on her face. The scene cuts to the class leaving and Harry walks towards Slughorns desk.

HARRY
Sir, I wanted to ask you something.

SLUGHORN
Ask away!

HARRY
Sir, I was wondering what you know…about Horcruxes?

SLUGHORN
(His face freezes as he stares at Harry.)
What did you say?

HARRY
I asked whether you know anything about Horcruxes, sir. You see…

SLUGHORN
Dumbledore put you up to this.
(He jumps up angrily and walks towards the cupboard.)
Dumbledore’s shown you that….memory, hasn’t he?

HARRY
Well…yes…

SLUGHORN
Well if you’ve seen that memory, Harry, you’ll know that I don’t know anything…ANYTHING…about Horcruxes.

HARRY
Sir, I just thought there might be a bit more to….

SLUGHORN
Did you!
(He grabs his briefcase and starts to walk towards the exit of the class.)
Then you were wrong, weren’t you? WRONG!

He slams the door behind himself and we see a shot of Harry standing in the middle of the class.

INT. CORRIDOR-AFTERNOON (SAME DAY)

The scene cuts to a shot of a sign that says Apparation Lessons and pans back showing a bunch of students standing in front of the sign.

SEAMUS
How cool will it be when we can just (snaps finger) and be anywhere we want to be.

RON
It sounds really cool.

SEAMUS
Longbottom would probably leave his head behind. (HE and Ron laughs)

HARRY
Don’t worry Neville. It’s not as exciting as it sounds.

LAVENDER
Won Won! (She runs up and hugs him.) How are you Wonnie!

HARRY
(He, Neville, and Seamus laugh.)
We’ll see you later.

SEAMUS
Yeah Won, Won!

As they walk down the hall we see Hermione run up behind them.

HERMIONE
Harry! I have something to tell you. Hey Seamus, Neville.

NEVILLE
Hey!

SEAMUS
Hiya Hermione, see ya in class Harry. Come on Neville
(They both exits.)

HARRY
What is it did you find something on Horcruxes?

HERMIONE
That’s exactly it, I can’t find anything on it. I’ve been right through the restricted section and even the most horrible books have nothing. All I could find was this

(She pulls out a piece of parchment.)

It was in the introduction to Magik Moste Evile. Of the Horcrux, wickedest of magical inventions, we shall not speak nor give direction…

HARRY
Well why put in there at all?

INT. THE GREAT HALL-EVENING (SAME DAY)

The scene cuts to the students standing in the Great Hall with no tables. There is a short man named Wilkie Twycross standing there and all the students have hoops in front of them.

TWYCROSS
Now the important things to remember when Apparating are the three D’s. Destination, Determination, Deliberation! Fix your mind firmly upon the desired destination, focus your determination to occupy the visulaized space, and only when I give the command,, turn on the spot, feeling your way into nothingness, moving with deliberation! Now, One, Two, THREE!!

The students all close their eyes and look have a strained look on their face. Nothing happens and Neville faints. They open their eyes and laugh.

TWYCROSS
Lets try this again won’t we…One, Two, THREE!!!!

They close their eyes start spinning and some start falling on the floor. One student lets out of screech of pain as one student is in the hoop while one leg is still on the outside. Twycross waves his wand and theres a puff of purple smoke and the student is back together.

TWYCROSS
That was called Splinching, or the seperation of random body parts occurs when the mind is insufficeintly determined. Now once again, GO!

The students close their eyes and the camera zooms in on Harry. He disappears and reappears in the circle hoop. He opens his eyes and everyone stares at him. Some look in amazement whereas Draco and his friends frown at Harry’s accomplishement.

TWYCROSS
Very good Mr. Potter, very good! Now lets go at it again why won’t we

MALFOY
Always the perfect student huh Potter!

HARRY
Always the struggling Death Eater huh Malfoy.

Everyone in the room gasps and all eyes turn to Harry and Draco.

TWYCROSS
No need for that type of talk here….

MALFOY
Why don’t you prove it Potter!

HARRY
Oh believe me, I will. Then you’ll be sent straight to Azkaban like your dear daddy.

DRACO
(pulls out his wand)
HOW DARE YOU…

HARRY
(pulls out his wand)
Want to have a go?

TWYCROSS
GENTLEMEN PLEASE! Wands away now or I will have to send you to the headmasters.

HARRY
Good, I’m sure Dumbledore will see right through his lies.

DRACO
Keep hiding behind Dumbledore while you can Potter.

HARRY
Oh yeah, lets see you try and do something about it…

HERMIONE
Harry…please!

Harry looks around and decides to be the bigger man and places his wand back into this robes. Draco follows suit.

TWYCROSS
20 points from both Gryffindor and Slytherian. Now, back the lesson…

The scene cuts to…

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

O_o Is there any way I can get this more...cleaned up? Because I'm having a hard time following the scenes ;) Thanx

~WendyPotter

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Do you have any Suggestions?

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

INT. BOYS DORMITORY-MORNING

There is a shot of the names moving around the Marauder’s Map and the camera pans back to Harry looking at it as Ron is opening his birthday presents.

RON
Thanks for these Harry!
(He holds up a pair of gloves.)

HARRY
No problem birthday boy.
(Looks back at the map)
Where is Malfoy, he doesn’t seem to be in his bed.

RON
Harry, is Hermione really going out with McLaggen?

HARRY
Dunno, they were at Slughorn’s party together, but I don’t think that went well.

RON
Good, oh wow, see what Mum and Dad got me? Blimey, I think I’ll come of age next year too…
(He notices the box of chocolate cauldrons beside Harry’s bed and picks them up.)
Want one Harry?

HARRY
(Without looking up.)
No thanks…Malfoy’s gone again!

RON
Can’t have done, come on, apparation lessons today.
(He shoves some cauldrons in his mouth.)

HARRY
Yeah I guess
(He taps his wand on the map.) Mischief managed.

INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM-MORNING (MOMENTS LATER)

Harry is reading something on the bullentin board as we see Ron come down from the dormitory.

HARRY
Ready? Let’s go, we can still catch breakfast.

RON
I’m not hungry…. Harry, I can’t stand it!

HARRY
You can’t stand what?

RON
I…I can’t stop thinking about her!

HARRY
And that stops you from going to breakfast because….

RON
I don’t think she knows I exist.

HARRY
She keeps snogging you, doesn’t she? I’m sure…

RON
Who are you talking about?

HARRY
Who are you talking about?

RON
Romilda Vane
(He rushes over and sits on the couch with a dazed look on his face.)
I think I love her Harry.

HARRY
(chuckles)
Ok, say that again with a straight face.

RON
(He stands up and walks towards Harry)
I love her, have you seen her hair, and her eyes…

HARRY
Ok Ron jokes over, drop it.

Harry turns around to walk away and Ron shoots a spell at Harry that misses him by inches. Harry turns around quickly and pulls his wand out throws the same nonverbal spell he did earlier on Ron which snatched him up in the air by his legs and has him hanging up side down and the cauldrons drop out of Rons hands.

HARRY
What was that for!

RON
You insulted her, Harry! You said it was a joke.

HARRY
This is insane! What’s got into….
(He looks on the ground and see the box of cauldrons on the floor beneath Ron.)
Where did you get those Chocolate Cauldrons?

RON
They were a birthday present. I offered you one, didn’t I?

HARRY
You just picked them up off the floor!

RON
Let me go Harry!

HARRY
I chucked those out of my trunk when I was looking for the map, they’re the Chocolate Cauldrons Romilda gave me before Christmas, and they’re all spiked with love potion!

RON
Romilda! Harry…do you know her? Can you introduce us?

HARRY
(He laughs)
Yeah I’ll introduce you. I’m going to let you down now, okay?

RON
Ok!
(He is lowered back down to the ground. The portrait opens and Lavender walks in.)

LAVENDER
You’re late Won Won, I’ve got you a birthday…

RON
Leave me alone; Harry’s going to introduce me to Romilda Vance!

He pushes her out the way and walks out. Harry mouths ‘Sorry’ to her and runs out behind Ron.

INT. SLUGHORNS OFFICE-MORNING (MOMENTS LATER)

RON
I can’t see her Harry, is he hiding her?

HARRY
She’s on here way

RON
Really, how do I look?

SLUGHORN
Very handsome, now drink that up, it’s a tonic for the nerves, keep you calm when she arrives, you know.

RON
Bloody Brilliant!
(He starts to drink the tonic.)

HARRY
Thanks Professor

SLUGHORN
Don’t mention it m’boy.

HARRY
You see it’s his birthday sir…

SLUGHORN
Really? Oh well in that case!
(He goes to his cupboard and pulls out this bottle.)
I’ve got one last bottle of this oak matured mead…meant to give this to Dumbledore for Christmas…ah well. Why don’t we open it now and celebrate Mr. Weasley’s birthday!
(Slughorn pours the drinks and hands a glass to each of them.)
Well, a very happy birthday, Rupert

RON
(Stunned)
How do you know…?

HARRY
It’s Ron…
(As he says this Ron goes ahead and chugs the drink.)

SLUGHORN
And may you have many more…

Ron drops the glass and foam start to come out of his mouth. He falls on the ground shaking furiously with his eyes rolling to the back of his head..

HARRY
Ron! Professor! Do something!

SLUGHORN
What…but…

Harry rushes towards the cupboard and starts to throw around bottles. He grabs the bezoar and runs to Ron. He forces his mouth open and throws the bezoar in his mouth. After a few seconds his body stops shaking and he falls off to sleep.

INT. HOSTPITAL WING-AFTERNOON (SAME DAY)

Ron is sleeping in the hospital room turning in his sleep slightly. Ginny, Fred, George, and Harry are all standing around the bed and Hermione is sitting on the opposite bed with tears in her eyes.

FRED
So the poison was in the drink?

HARRY
Yes, Slughorn poured it out…

GEORGE
Do you think he slipped something into Rons drink?

HARRY
Why would Slughorn want to poison Ron?

GEORGE
You don’t think he could have mixed up the glasses by mistake? Meaning to get you?

GINNY
Why would Slughorn want to poison Harry.

FRED
He could be under the Imperius curse.

GINNY
Harry said Slughorn had been planning to give that bottle to Dumbledore for Christmas, so the poisener could’ve been after Dumbledore.

RON
(Stirring in his sleep)
Er…my..nee…

Then he snores again and the scene fades to

EXT. BRIDGE-EVENING (MOMENTS LATER)

Harry and Hagrid walking on the Hogwarts grounds.

HAGRID
How is he?

HARRY
They say he’ll be okay.

HAGRID
I don’ believe this, who’d want ter hurt him? First Katie, now Ron…Terrible, jus’ terrible. All the new securtiy an’ kids are still getting’ hurt…Dumbledore’s worried sick.

HARRY
Doesn’t he have any ideas Hagrid?

HAGRID
No. Wha’ worries me is how long Hogwarts can stay open if kids are bein’ attacked. I mean, it’s always bin a bit of a risk sendin’ a kid ter Hogwarts, underage wizards all locked up together, but attempted murder, tha’s different. S’no wonder Dumbledoer’s angry with Snape.

HARRY
What?

HAGRID
Oh, I should’nt of said that.

HARRY
Hagrid, why is Dumbledore angry with Snape?

HAGRID
Shhhh…well I jus’ heard Snape sayin’ Dumbledore took too much fer granted an’ maybe he…Snape…didn’ wan’ ter do it anymore….

HARRY
Do what?

HAGRID
I dunno Harry, sounded like Snape was feelin’ a bit overworked, that’s all.

Harry looks at Hagrid with a look of concern on his face. Hagrid shrugs and continues to walk as the scene fades to

INT. HOSPITAL WING-NIGHT

Harry is sitting next to Ron in the hospital wing. He is looking in the Mauraders Map once again trying to find what Draco is up too.

HARRY
Gone again.

RON
Harry I think you’re going a little overboard with this Malfoy thing.

HARRY
He’s up to something, and I’m going to catch him at it! I’m gonna find out what he’s up too.

RON
Harry…

HARRY
Don’t tell me it’s all in my head either, I overheard what Snape said to him…

RON
Yeah I know Harry, but, you’re just becoming a little obsessed over this thing.

HARRY
Obsessed? He just keeps disappearing off of the map, where do you think he’s going?

RON
Hogsmeade maybe, I don’t know.

HARRY
If only I had some way…wait a minute.

RON
What?

HARRY
I think I have a way to get Malfoy followed.
(He pulls out his wand and points it at the door.)
Don’t want Madam Pomfrey to overhear me. Mufflialto!

RON
What are you….

HARRY
Kreacher!

In the middle of the room Kreacher and Dobby apparate and they’re both fighting each other.

DOBBY
Kreacher will not insult Harry Potter in front of Dobby!!!

KREACHER
Kreacher will say what he likes about master, filthy friend of Mudbloods, what would poor Kreachers mistress…

Dobby punches him in his mouth and Kreacher lets out a scream and starts clawing at Dobby. Ron and Harry jump out of the bed and tries to pull them apart. They continue to kick and swing at each other as they pulled apart.

HARRY
I forbid you to fight each other!

They both stop and stare at each other.

HARRY
Dobby…what are you doing here?

DOBBY
Greetings Harry Potter sir! Dumbledore hired Dobby to work in the kitchens with the other house elves sir! Shortly after Harry Potter freed Dobby from the evil Malfoys!

RON
Just what we need…

HARRY
Now, Kreacher I’ve got a job for you.

KREACHER
Kreacher will do whatever Master wants, because Kreacher has no choice, but Kreacher is ashamed to have such a master, yes…

DOBBY
Dobby will do it, Harry Potter! Dobby would be honored.

HARRY
It would be good to have both of you now that I think of it. I want you to tail Draco Malfoy.

RON
What!

HARRY
I want to know where he’s going, who he’s meeting, and what he’s doing. I want you to follow him around the clock.

DOBBY
Yes, Harry Potter!

KREACHER
Master wants me to spy upon the pure-blood great-nephew of my old mistress?

HARRY
Yeah and you’re forbidden to tip him off, or to show him what you’re up to, or to talk to him at all, or to write him messages or…or to contact him in any way. Got it?

KREACHER
Master thinks of everything, and Kreacher must obey him even though Kreacher would much rather be the servant of the Malfoy boy, oh yes…

HARRY
That’s settled then.

Kreacher and Dobby both snap their fingers and disappear.

RON
Harry, what the…

HARRY
I don’t want to hear it Ron ok.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Phrozenone (HBP) started on page 1, near the bottom (Post 19)

I am doing PS/SS. I resarted on Post 6 (Page 1). What is there is not final. I keep everything I have done, updated (As much as possible) at this link. I've also done some of CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP and DH, which you can find scattered in the thread.

Phrozenone, I'm a bit busy with the new year and haven't had time to read your new posts. I'll probably catch up in 08

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Perhaps put the scripts in [/quote] tags? That might neaten things a bit.

On a somewhat unrelated note: I've been thinking about whether or not it's possible that all seven books could be adapted into a trilogy. Anyone ever thought about that, or am I alone?

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I'm so sorry I hadn't got to this earlier. New Year's, you know. And every time I think I have thime I come on to CoS and then discover I don't. Oh well...

Hmm, that's a bit risque to keep it in...

I hate this. I'm sorry. I find it useless, and uncanon, and... why are you bringing up Sirius? I mean he's not really important to HBP at all.

That just doesn't seem as powerful as I always it in the book. Dumbledore cries, doesn't he? And Fawkes sings. I'd find that scene much powerful if there was a tear down Dumbledore's face.

And know after writing that annd reading this I remember you are writing for Gambon!Dumbledore. :lol:

What I liked about in the book was the Tom and Harry siad exactly the same phrase to Slughorn (They even paused in the same place and both repeated the word 'about') and to change something that little in a script would be ...... wrong.

O....K..... WT-?

:lol: I don't think that should be in the movie though...

:love:Ohhhh!

I don't think there is enough importance on this scene, but then again there wasn't much in the book. Hmmm....

I think this scene needs reworking.

See WB, its that easy to reintroduce Dobby!

You cut Quidditch? What else have you cut? It's hard to figure it out becasue it seems like everything is there.

tags? That might neaten things a bit.[/quote]

I made a post a while ago when I was trying to make the posts shorter in lengths by using tags:

Yeah, so I suppose it would be good if thouse posting scripts could put [expand] and [fieldset] tags on, if not [quote] tags.

That would be HARD and there would be a lot omitted (and a lot of fans would hate it).

I once thought of one movie out of the seven when all the events happen alongside each other. (i.e. The same time Harry gets his letter, Dobby warns him of Hogwarts, Aunt Marge balloons, the Dark Mark is set, Demtors attack, Dumbledore visits Harry and seven Potters leave Privet Drive):whistle:
But of course that would be awful and NEVER work

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Understandable and Happy New Year ArryGrotter!!!

That's what I like about it. We go from that to Lavender jumping on Ron..I thought it was funny.

I dunno..I remember when I first read the book I was wondering why Harry never seemed to acknowledge Sirius much and I felt there should be some point that he mentioned him. Would I include this scene NOW of course not..but it being useless and uncanon hasn't stopped the filmakers before has it? :p

His eyes get watery but I think a simple smile will do the trick. Then again scripts always change and if the director wants tears then there will be tears lol

Honestly I never noticed I did that. Very odd indeed great catch lol..I thought I had them saying the same thing. How silly of me *walks away in shame*

:lol::lol::lol:

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

I guess that means you want an explanation. When I decided to write this script I wanted a sort of beginning, middle, and end for Harry and Draco's arguments. This scene is of course the middle. My thing is Malfoy is so in the background people would forget he's even doing anything and I thought it'll be such a Harry thing to do and call him out on it. Of course we know that everyone thinks Harry is just being overly paranoid and this adds on to it. Plus it was the only way I could keep apparation in by putting something important there :lol: I dunno I like it actually.

You know what's funny? To this day I can't find that part where Slughorn calls Ron Rupert so I just stuck it here. Why should it not be in the movie? It'll get a laugh atleast :lol:

Yeah I didn't know what to do with that scene. Hermione was orginally there but she had..what...one line? So I cut her out. The scene plays out just like it does in the book though so iunno

Yep introducing Dobby is easy! lol

I cut alot I think but I kept alot in by merely moving things together. If you've noticed a majority of Dumbledore's speeches have been cut down alot. I cut Fluer, one of he memories, Quidditch, alot of the classroom scenes (Although dialogue from some scenes have been saved), and who knows what else lol. It's been ages since I've read that book but it's time for me to do it again if I want to do a new script.

Thanks for the suggestion on how to make the posts more orderly. You know I never saw that post by you lol I would've been using it more if I did :cool:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Same to you!

It wasn't until my... Probably my 4 or 5th read that I understood 1)What the password meant and 2) Who set it, and if haven't figured out two (and I think that's the most important part) then forgive my coughing: *coughprefectscoughcoughHermione'saprefectcoughcou ghbutnotinthemoivecoughcoughsoifyoudoaddthatmakesu reyoumakeHermioneprefectcough*

I'm fine with some of the non-canon (the word I was looking for) stuff in the movie as long as it reflects the book. I just on't feel this reflects the book.

It's in After the Burial somewhere. It's right after the burial of Aragog.

I just feel that the audience will think someone slipped and said the actor's name instead of the characters. Soooo many people thought that was a mistake in the book.


Have you noticed my script?

It's still too long for my liking

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

MrSleepyHead, One of the things I absolutely hate about the HP adaptions so far are plot holes, things left in the air. It was never explained who killed Crouch in GoF or who sent the dementors in OotP, not to mention a lot of other plot holes. I don't want any at my adaption, so I included a lot of explaining, but I feel that in order to be a true classic everything must be clear (one of the main flaws of "Silence of the Lambs", for example, is it misses some details found only in the book - for example, how come Buffalo Bill ended up in Mrs. Lippman house).

Well, my thought was I needed to introduce Griphook and Gringotts, the fake sword location, and I wanted a lot of death around (this is why I left Hedwig's and Moody's death - to create a feeling that it it the real thing this time, anyone may die). I also think we need to have Ted Tonks in order to explain Teddy's name. It is short and I don't think it will bother many people.

That's excatly what I did. I mentioned it at the opening because I wanted to have Bellatrix swearing to kill Tonks; I want it to be clear that even though Harry see Lupin's breaking up with Tonks as a cowardly move, Lupin is right in saying he made tonks an outcast; Bellatrix killed her, because of him.

I think Ollivander is needed to explain about wands. It dosen't matter he appeared before, he is reintroduced. I might add a line where he is introduced as "the famous wandmaker", just to make his job clear.

This scene is extremely short, and I think it is good in creating the atmosphere. While in the past the Dursleys were used as comic characters, now they are in danger...

As for the potion, I thought it was a funny line so I kept it.


The ghoul is for the plot holes thing. It needed explanation how come the death eaters aren't going for Ron's family, and it also shows us how serious the situation is.

Scrimegour might be unnecessary, but the will objects are important and I thought it would be better to give "The minister" a face, in order to make his death more effective.

Lupin in Grimmauld Place is absolutely necessary. First of all, it's a great character moment. Secondly, I used it to give a lot of information: Tonks is pregnant, Taboo, snape as headmaster, and as a way to get the trio out of GP. And thirdly, if I want Lupin's death to have an impact on the audience, I need to give him a fair amount of screentime...

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Blast_ended, you may think I am snobbing you, but I did respond to your DH script. It's the first post on page 4.

As well as reworking 'The Journey from Platform 9 3/4', I've also reworked the opening of the script, following this comment:

PS: Whisphers EXT. THE POTTER’S COTTAGE - GODRIC’S HOLLOW - EVENING (31/10/1981) A gate is left open in front of a cottage, is curtains fully drawn and its door blasted open. SYBILL TRELAWNEY (V.O.) (In a hoarse voice) The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord... INT. HARRY’S ROOM - THE POTTER’S COTTAGE - GODRIC’S HOLLOW - EVENING An infant (1-YEAR-OLD HARRY POTTER) stares at a hooded figure (VOLDEMORT). Light catches its face and Harry begins to cry. VOLDEMORT Avada Kedavra! EXT. THE POTTER’S COTTAGE - GODRIC’S HOLLOW - EVENING (31/10/1981) Green light erupts from an upstairs room. Sounds of agony can be heard, both from Harry and Voldemort SYBILL TRELAWNEY (V.O.) ...approaches... The title “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” fills the screen.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Indeed but it's a big improvement over the other one. Keep it up. One thing I like that you did was that instead of having Harry and Ron talking about candy you had Ron give Harry a little insight of the wizarding world. I wish they'd done that with the actual film but talking about candy is more exciting :grumble:

Also I like the new intro you've written out. Good job :tu:

My thing is to we really have to hear Fred and George tell their mom about Harry? I just think that's the one thing that slows your script down. Sure it's MUCH better than what you had originally. Also Ron going on about his other brothers. You're going to have to bring them up again eventually when they're needed and I think at this moment they really aren't. They're just named and the Gringott thing..won't we find that out later? Once you bring it up we might as well hear it all in full instead of just a little..but that's just my opinion and it doesn't matter much :p

Anywho here's the next section of my HBP script.



Yay!! That actually works wonderfully...thanks for the tip ArryGrotter :tu::tu:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Well, that depends on the person. Even so, it's not necessary that everyone everywhere remember everything that Bellatrix brings up for the scene to work.

I didn't bring either of those points up in my version.

You're right, flashbacks would kill the mood. As I just indicated, though, I don't see why they'd be needed here.

Obviously we disagree that mine would be boring (I can't imagine anything with Alan Rickman and Helena Bonham Carter could be boring). I do agree that yours was the more intense take; but then, I wasn't going for intensity so much as a subtler kind of tension, an uneasiness, a feeling of the audience having the rug pulled out from under them by the claims Snape makes of his loyalty. I think both work, but that's subjective. This just points to what makes this thread interesting; to see a deceptively-simple scene like this interpreted so very differently. It'd be dull otherwise. It should be fun to see how my HBP draft differs from Phrozenone's as well (ditto for DH, come to think of it).

Anyway, speaking of the Prince, I know I said in my last post that I'd try either the Harry/Dumbledore scene from GoF's end or OotP's end, but, well, that's been put on hold for the moment as I'm not getting to HBP as often as I'd like as is. So here are my versions of "Will and Won't" and "Horace Slughorn". Hopefully I've captured the importance of these two chapters (and I am keeping them both, 'though I know some people disagree with that choice) without going on too long. I will say I am a bit worried about the pace here, but I know I've got a better flow going once I get to the Burrow. I tried to keep as much of Rowling's visual detail as I could to (hopefully) offset the amount of dialogue.

The title would come straight after that close-up on Snape saying "I will".

The title Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince fills the frame, drowned out within seconds by the bright white of a streetlight on Privet Drive. We pan backward from Harry's bedroom window, to HEDWIG sitting in her cage, to HARRY sitting on his bed, a few 'DAILY PROPHETS's and random pamphlets scattered around him, looking through the photo album given to him years ago, at images of the original ORDER OF THE PHOENIX and of newlyweds LILY and JAMES laughing alongside best man SIRIUS. Next moment, Harry's attention is diverted by the extinguishing of the streetlight just outside his window.
CUT TO:
The front door opens to show DUMBLEDORE waiting there.

DUMBLEDORE
Good evening, Harry. I wonder -

At that, the bellow of "Who the ruddy hell is calling at this time of night?!" signals UNCLIE VERNON's entrance out of the sitting room and into the hallway; Aunt PETUNIA and DUDLEY follow from out of the kitchen.

DUMBLEDORE
Ah, you must be Petunia; and this, of course, is Vernon and young Dudley. Would it be too large an imposition if I came in for a moment? It is unwise to lurk in doorways in these troubled times, and there is something we should discuss.

Dumbledore takes notice of the look on the Dursleys' collective faces, pure shock at the ghastly

DUMBLEDORE
Judging by the looks of stunned disbelief on your faces, Harry did not tell I was coming?

After a predictable scowl Harry's way, this remark seems to give Vernon the nerve to speak up.

VERNON
No, he did not! Now, I don't mean to be rude -

DUMBLEDORE
(stepping over the threshold and closing the door behind him) Yet sadly accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. However, let us just assume that you have welcomed me warmly into your home just the same. (walking into the next room and sitting at the nearest armchair) Well, we may as well all be comfortable.

With a casual wave of his wand, Dumbledore sends the sitting room sofa zooming under the three Dursleys' legs, leaving them in a heap on it, and then back to it's original position.

DUMBLEDORE
Drinks, perhaps.

Dumbledore waves his wand once again, and a glass of honey-colored liquid floats into Harry's hand. We (and Harry) have noticed that Dumbledore's right hand now appears blackened and withered, as if the flesh had been burnt away.

DUMBLEDORE
Madam Rosmerta's finest mead.

Three other glasses float toward the Dursleys, scrunched together on the now-tiny sofa; as if their lives depended on it, they ignore the drinks floating before them.

DUMBLEDORE
Now, getting down to business, Harry, I must tell you that Sirius' will was discovered a week ago.

Harry seems to cringe slightly at hearing his godfather's name.

HARRY
Oh. Right.

DUMBLEDORE
It seems you inherit a fair amount of gold to add your vault, in addition to all of Sirius' remaining possessions, including #12 Grimmauld Place itself, which means ownership of the Blacks' house elf Kreacher.

A quick cut here to the confused/horrified Dursleys, the glasses now gently rapping against the sides of their heads.

HARRY
I don't want the house; the Order should keep using it. And I don't want to be Kreacher's master either.

On "Kreacher", a faint pop signals KREACHER's appearance in the room, sitting on the floor, pounding his fists, and repeating "Kreacher won't!" in his bullfrog's voice. Vernon looks no more frustrated than usual, Dudley simply dumbstruck, but Petunia lets out a sharp shriek and lifts her feet a bit off the floor.

DUMBLEDORE
I'm afraid in that matter you have no choice. However, I wonder if you would permit him a post in the Hogwarts kitchens with the other house-elves.

HARRY
Sure; I didn't know Hogwarts employed house-elves, though.

DUMBLEDORE
Indeed.

HARRY
Kreacher, shut up! (silence) Kreacher, I want you to go to Hogwarts, to work with the other house-elves.

Kreacher ceases his tantrum and replies with his usual scowl "Kreacher will do as his master commands" and disappears.

DUMBLEDORE
Well, that's settled.

VERNON
It most surely is not!

The mead glasses are now hammering against the Dursleys' heads, Petunia and Dudley making pointless attempts to cower.

VERNON
The - th - WILL YOU GET THESE RUDDY THINGS OFF US?!

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, I'm sorry. (vanishing them) It would have been better manners to drink them, you know

Vernon is clearly stifling a harsher reply as he asks:

VERNON
The boy - his godfather's dead? And he's been left the house?

DUMBLEDORE
That's right.

VERNON
Then why on earth does he need to be here?

DUMBLEDORE
A worthy question, and indeed what I wished to discuss with you. You see, when I placed Harry on your doorstep nearly 15 years ago, I invoked a magic that would ensure his safety here as long as he could call this place home, as long as he was welcomed, treated with fairness, and kindness. You have not done this; instead, he has been greeted to neglect and cruelty at your hands. However, you have taken him in, albeit reluctantly, and so the protection was effective. This charm will expire at the precise moment Harry turns 17. I ask that you find it in yourselves to take him in one last brief time before his next birthday

At this, the Dursleys remain sitting on the couch, stupidly speechless.

EXT. PRIVET DRIVE - DEAD OF NIGHT
Dumbledore and Harry reach the end of the street. As they stop, Dumbledore takes out a small, metallic gadget and sends the lights returning to their streetlamps. Harry catches another glimpse of his mangled hand and now notices a clumsily-made gold band on his ring finger, a cracked black stone in it's center.

HARRY
Professor, what did happen to your hand?

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, it is a most enthralling tale; one I wish to do justice, later. Now, you have not, of course, passed your apparition test.

HARRY
No. I though you had to be 17.

DUMBLEDORE
You do. Take my arm, then - the left, if you would.

Harry does so and in an instant they disappear from Privet Drive and reappear in a deserted forest lane. Harry seems somewhat shaken by this, his first experience with apparition.

DUMBLEDORE
You're alright?

HARRY
Fine, but I think I prefer a broom.

Dumbledore grins at this as he and Harry start down the wooded path.

HARRY
Professor, where exactly are we?

DUMBLEDORE
This, Harry, is the charming village of Budleigh Babberton. We are going to be attempting to convince an old colleague of mine to come out of retirement and return to Hogwarts. We do seem to move through faculty rather often, don't we?

They stop at the first of a group of small stone cottages, with gardens before the front doors. Clearly there have been other visitors here, as Dumbledore takes a troubled look at the front door hanging off it's hinges, broken windows and small fires around.

DUMBLEDORE
Wand out and follow me, Harry.

Harry does so and they both mutter "Lumos" as they walk into the sitting room, where a scene of total devastation meets their eyes. By the wandlight we see a piano turned on it's side, keys strewn about, cushions thoroughly ripped and punctured, a splintered grandfather clock sitting at their feet, bits of glass spread like powder over everything, glass apparently from a wrecked chandelier sitting in the middle of the room, and a smattering of blood on the far wall.

HARRY
Do you think he's -

DUMBLEDORE
- somewhere in this room still.

Dumbledore glances at the chair to his left, the only untouched item in the room, mutters "Nox", and points his wand toward it. In an instant, what was just an overstuffed armchair is now an enormously fat, balding, walrus-mustached old man looking up at Dumbledore with aggrieved, watery eyes (Harry's eyes go wide for a moment).

DUMBLEDORE
Good evening, Horace.

HORACE
Albus! Wa-w-what gave me away?

DUMBLEDORE
My dear Horace, if the Death Eaters really had come to call, surely The Dark Mark would have been set over the house.

HORACE
The Dark Mark, I knew I forgot something!

HORACE begins to walk around the room and repair the damage as Dumbledore asks him:

DUMBLEDORE
Tell me, Horace, these extra precautions, moving from one absent muggle home to the next, placing every protective enchantment in your arsenal over them: would they be for the Death Eaters' benefit or mine?

HORACE
My dear Albus, what would the Death Eaters want with a broken-down old buffer like me?

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, surely they'd apply your considerable talents to...torture, to murder.

HORACE
Now, Albus, I -

The wreckage repaired, Horace turns around and notices Harry standing there, a few paces behind Dumbledore.

HORACE
Oh. Oho!

DUMBLEDORE
Oh, how very rude of me: Harry Potter, this is Horace Slughorn.

SLUGHORN
So that's how you thought you'd persuade me, is it? Well, my answer remains no!

DUMBLEDORE
Is that so? Well, if I cmay use your bathroom before we take our leave..

SLUGHORN
Yes, it's, uh, second to the left down the hall.

Dumbledore leaves the room the room and SLUGHORN looks at Harry, paying keenest attention (unsurprisingly) to the lightning scar on Harry's forehead.

SLUGHORN
You look very like your father. Except the eyes; you've got your -

HARRY
Mother's eyes, yeah, I've heard.

SLUGHORN
Hmpf; you'll be Gryffindor like her, I suppose?

Harry nods.

SLUGHORN
Of course you shouldn't have favorites as a teacher, but your mother: she was charming, funny, one of the brightest I ever taught. Shame she wasn't in my house.

HARRY
Which was your house?

SLUGHORN
I was head of Slytherin. (noticing the uncertain look on Harry's face) I know what you're thinking, and don't go holding that against me. (beat) Anyway, it's all well and good for Dumbledore to talk, but going back to Hogwarts would be tantamount to declaring my allegiance to The Order of the Phoenix, and while I'm sure they're all very brave and admirable and all that, I don't fancy the mortality rate!

HARRY
You don't have to be in the Order to teach at Hogwarts; only three of the teachers are in it, and besides, none of them's been killed.

SLUGHORN
Yes, well -

HARRY
I reckon Hogwarts is about the safest place to be now, actually. I mean, the only reason Voldemort (Slughorn cringes slightly at hearing the name.) hasn't come after Hogwarts by now is because of Dumbledore, isn't it?

SLUGHORN
That's true, but -

HARRY
And there've been loads of new protective enchantments put over the school; surely you're better off there than on the run?

SLUGHORN
I - I suppose -

Slughorn pauses to contemplate this as Dumbledore walks back in.

DUMBLEDORE
Shall we be off, Harry?.

SLUGHORN
Alright. Alright, I'll do it!

DUMBLEDORE
You will?

SLUGHORN
I must be mad, but yes, I'll go back. Of course, I'll expect a pay rise.

DUMBLEDORE
(a slight grin on his face) Of course.

EXT. THE BURROW - BACK DOOR - DEAD OF NIGHT
Harry and Dumbledore stop just before the back entrance.

DUMBLEDORE
I hope you'll forgive me for mentioning it, Harry, but before we part, I wish to say how pleased and...proud of how well you are coping with what happened at the Ministry. Permit me to say that I think Sirius would be proud. (beat) It's cruel that you had so little time together.

HARRY
It's just hard - to realize I'll never talk to him again. (pause) It could be me next ,couldn't it? Well, if it is, I'll just make it my business to take as many Death Eaters with me as I can; and Voldemort too if I can manage it.

DUMBLEDORE
Truly spoken like the son of Lily and James Potter, and Sirius' true godson.

So that's it. Let me say this: it definitely reads slower than I imagine it; however, it's still probably a bit lengthy. Most of my cuts are pretty self-explanatory (You can only watch Harry/Dumbledore walk around Budleigh Babberton for so long, for instance, and some information relayed through 'Daily Prophet' stories will be fit in later.) I'll surely be making constant tweaks to this post like I did with "Spinner's End", but what do you think as of now?

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Here's a scene I wrote for the beginning of Deathly Hallows. It's short and to the point which is what they (WB) want.

A dark cloudy sky. The metallic looking Warner Brothers Logo flies through the air and directly towards the screen. The camera passes through centre of the logo leaving a dark cloudy sky. Through the clouds come the title 'HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS.' The music of Hedwigs theme quietens as the camera pans down onto an old country lane.
A crane shot of the country lane. The sky is clear. In the distant a noble manor house can be seen, lights glimmering in the night.
Several loud cracks are heard followed by a bang. Two men have appeared in the lane. One of them is lying on the floor, the other stands over him, a small wooden wand in his hand.

YAXLEY
Snape, whatch'a playing at?

SNAPE
Apologies Yaxley, yet you could have been anyone.

Yaxley gets to his feet and the pair make their way to a iron gate in front of the manor house. They pass through and make their way up the lane to the house.

YAXLEY
I would have got here sooner but I got held back. (He pauses) You are sure that your news is correct.

SNAPE
If everything goes to plan. The Dark Lords work the past sixteen years will finally be worth it.

YAXLEY
You mean Potter? What-

Yaxley is cut off as they reach the door of the Manor. Snape knocks and several seconds later a pale boy (Draco Malfoy) opens the door and lets Snape and Yaxley through.
Yaxley and Snape make their way through the house to a back room where a large group of people are sat around a table. Snape sits next to the tallest man, who is sat stroking a large snake. Yaxley sits.

VOLDEMORT
Snape, what news do you have?

SNAPE
They are moving the boy earlier than we anticipated, the twenty seventh is the date I have heard.

YAXLEY
Why would they do that? If his protection ends on the thirty-first it would seem foolish to leave any earlier.

SNAPE
The order, believes that we think exactly that way Yaxley. They are moving him earlier as they think that we will go on the thirty-first.

VOLDEMORT
Indeed. I wondered whether... No matter. Yet we should not be too confident. It would be a blow if he left and we were not informed. Where will they be taking him?

SNAPE
The Burrow. But the protection there will be too great to get him. That is, if we fail.

VOLDEMORT
Which is why we must not. I have been too careless where Harry Potter is concerned. That he lives is more of my failure than his triumphs. I must deal with him myself.

There is silence around the table. Draco Malfoy is staring out into space and not paying attention to the meeting.

VOLDEMORT
You will notice, we have a guest with us this evening.

He points upwards where is figure is slowly rotating.

VOLDEMORT
This, is Professor Burbage, who until most recently, taught at Hogwarts school. She also wrote a lengthy article in the Daily Prophet about how muggles should be treated as equals and how we should embrace them. Obviously I couldn't let such a person to miss out on our meeting.

BURBAGE
Severus... please....

VOLDEMORT
Were you taught by Burbage, Draco?

Draco turns and shakes his head.

VOLDEMORT
Of course. Burbage taught Muggle Studies. And you are of noble blood. Of course you would not take her subject.

BURBAGE
Severus please! Help me!

Snape ignores Burbage. Voldemort withdraws a long thin wand.

VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra!

Burbage falls to the table with a crash. The snake slowly falls off Voldemort's shoulders as he says

VOLDEMORT
Dinner, Nagini...

END OF SCENE

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Yes, in the book Dumbledore's becomes teary-eyed and Harry looks at his knees. Fawkes lets out a singsong moan, and Dumbledore says "I'm touched." This, I believe, should be kept if "Dumbledore's man through and through" is kept.
Yes, there are better ways to make the audience question Snape's loyalty then this scene (Hagrid saying that Dumbledore was angry with Snape). Also, the audience will be incredibly confused by it, since it would only quickly be resolved in DH. This scene should be cut.


All of what is in there (it is not the entire thing) can be cut, along with much more. You did not truly write a script - you basically copied the book's dialogue. While I like the book's words more, it simply does not work in the film, unless you want the movie to be 3 hours. If you are aiming for a 2 hour - 2 and a half hour movie, a lot of that should be cut. I think the current SS film did a pretty decent job on cutting what was unnecessary.
I must admit I do not like this (from the common movie audience's perspective). It sparks too much confusion at the outset. While the scene itself would eventually be understood, Trelawney's prophecy is just randomly placed. None of the prophecy should be introduced until Book 5. I would only put your scene in a movie trailer (even then, it would be questionable). However, as an opening to SS, it simply does not satisfy what needs to occur.
Too abrupt.
I must admit I do not like this. While perfect for the book, the movie cannot introduce two brand-new characters in the opening scene. Definitely cut Yaxley, and probably cut Burbage. I would substitute Charity with someone the audience should know (do not ask me who – I have been thinking about this issue for some time – just not Charity). Also, I would not mention the pureblood status. All the audience needs to know is that Voldemort is hunting Harry, and anyone who isn’t a Death Eater can go. Cut the pureblood and Muggle-born Registry themes. To be blunt, the audience will not care (well, we fans will, but not the ordinary audience member).

Thus, use this scene to define Snape’s character (and show the information about Harry that he knows), as well as reintroduce characters like Bellatrix and the Malfoys (and possibly Wormtail). However, I do think that a death is necessary in this scene.

Meanwhile, I also disagree with your opening (the title coming before anything else). It should be commonly known that I immensely dislike the title just appearing out of a fog, before the audience sees anything but the WB logo. Instead, have the title erupt out of the Avada Kedavra curse (I would not say “Dinner, Nagini,” but just introduce the snake in the scene). Or, if you do not want it to resemble GoF too much (the Frank Bryce scene), you could have Nagini ready to strike the body, and as she opens her mouth and clamps it, the title appears.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Your dialogue is very heavy. The action description is too sparse. You also need to streamline the events and thread them together more tightly. Too many scene-to-scene cuts. Try merging different events into single scene/settiings. It takes you 50 pages just to get up to the point where they start going camping (which is where the story actually begins)--that's bad. Having to wait 50 minutes just to get to that point is definately going to put everyone to sleep. Is the first chapter to the book really all that necessary, I wonder.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I've been reading this thread and it's replies for ages now and think its a great idea to script our own versions of we'd like the fims to be like. I've just started my own version of a script for Order of the Phoenix as no-one else in this thread seems to be doing that book, and hope to get the first part of it up here soon. :)

Lupin_89

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

My next HBP stuff will be from the Burrow through the Hogwarts Express, but since I'm a bit stuck with rewrites there, I figured this would be a good time to post my first DH scene. Imperfect, of course, but I'm fairly happy with it.


INT. MALFOY MANOR - DRAWING ROOM

FADE IN

An apparently unconscious figure, the firelight in the room too dim for a face to be visible, rotates upside down in midair, as if controlled by invisible ropes. Pan left and down slightly, across a conference table packed with DEATH EATERS, including BELLATRIX LESTRANGE (gazing pleasurably at the bound figure above), NARCISSA MALFOY (looking determinedly away from the prisoner), and PETER PETTIGREW (seated so low in his chair that one mightn't see that it was occupied if they didn't look closely enough). We stop at the chair at the table's rear, in front of the fireplace at the back of the room, occupied by LORD VOLDEMORT himself. Two new arrivals, SEVERUS SNAPE and an unknown, then walk into the room and toward the conference table, making their obligatory glances upward as well.

VOLDEMORT
Yaxley, Snape, you are very nearly late. You have news?

SNAPE
My Lord, it seems the Order intends to move Potter from his current place of safety to the home of one of their own next Saturday, at nightfall.

VOLDEMORT
Good. Very good.

YAXLEY
My Lord, I have heard differently. It is the belief of the auror Dawlish that Potter is to be moved on the night of July 30th, just before his 17th birthday. He seemed quite certain.

SNAPE
He would seem certain if he had been bewitched to believe so to plant a false trail. The Order no longer trusts the Ministry, which means they would not allow classified information of this sort leaked within it; and they will not be using any means of transportation the Ministry can observe.

VOLDEMORT
He will need to move in the open then.

As he walks around the room, a snake the size of his thigh slithers by his side.

VOLDEMORT
That Harry Potter is alive today is more due to my failures than his triumphs. But I understand now what I did not before; I must be the one to kill Harry Potter, and I will be. I suspect the Order will ally with the Ministry to place any protection available to them over the boy's safehouse, and we will not be able to break those enchantments yet. We have begun our mission well, but Scrimgeour must be surrounded by our men before action can be taken. (turning to stare up at the suspended figure) The Ministry of Magic, once a noble magical institution, has allowed mudbloods, werewolves, and blood traitors to run free, but we shall cut away this..canker that infects us, until only the true blood remains. Lucius, I will require your wand. After all, I see no reason for you to have one any longer. (Lucius exchanges a small reluctant look with Narcissa. DRACO sits to Narcissa's left, failing to repress a look of simultaneous insatiable curiosity and genuine horror at the victim above.) Your wand, Lucius! (Lucius hands it over.) Ennervate!

The prisoner begins to return to consciousness.

VOLDEMORT
Yes, this will do fine. You recognize her, Draco? Of course, you will not have taken her classes. Severus, you will know her, no doubt.

As this woman struggles at her invisible bonds, Snape draws a maliciousl-but-slight grin.

SNAPE
Ah, yes.

WOMAN
Severus, please..help me...

VOLDEMORT
For those who do not know, we are joined tonight by Charity Burbage, who, until recently, taught Muggle Studies at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Yes, "Professor" Burbage taught the children of the wizarding world that wizards and muggles are not so very different after all; and she even wrote an impassioned defense of mudbloods in 'The Daily Prophet'. Miss Burbage writes that the dwindling of the purebloods is a most desirable occurrence, that we should welcome and embrace these thieves of our knowledge, our magic...She would have us all mate with muggles..

CHARITY pleads with Snape as he and Bellatrix look on in anticipation:

CHARITY
Severus...please...

VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra!

The room is momentarily lit by the green glow of the killing curse as Charity Burbage drops onto the table, causing a few Death Eaters to jump back in their seats slightly, and Draco to fall out of his. Voldemort simply walks back across the room, the giant snake slithering by his side.

VOLDEMORT
Dinner, Nagini.

FADE OUT

And I went back and made a lot of revisions to "Will and Won't" and "Horace Slughorn" and I think they're both much better scenes now.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

IenjoyAcidPops, your script is nice but it has two very major flaws in it: the characters of Yaxley and Charity, both will never be seen again. I would recommend switching Yaxley with Bellatrix (who will have a great role later), and Charity with Ollivander (just cut the murder - have him tortured for information, instead).

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I get what you're saying: as Bellatrix and Ollivander both have sizable roles in the plot later where Yaxley and Charity don't, intro Bella and Ollivander sooner. But I'd really rather just leave it as is because 1) Yaxley is just a prop, just a spy to bring some false info Voldy's way in this one scene (I'm cutting the Ministry break-in), so it's not really giving Bella any more screentime of value if I put her in his place, 2) I want to convey the idea that Voldemort really has raised an army, not just a small clump of regulars (I'm slightly warming up to that old suggestion of putting Bellatrix in the DE attack on Hogwarts in HBP.) 3) We'll see Ollivander being tortured soon enough, and with the whole Muggle-Born Registration Commission issue and all, I think it makes more sense for it to be Charity Burbage, and a much more powerful end to the scene and kick-off to the film. In my opinion, of course.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

And the Dursleys depart (this is, of course, just after the appearance of the title):


INT. #4 PRIVET DRIVE - THE DURSLEYS' HOUSE - SITTING ROOM

FADE IN

HARRY walks into the room as UNCLE VERNON paces, lost in thought. AUNT PETUNIA and DUDLEY sit on the couch waiting, surrounded by bags and suitcases; the sitting room is almost entirely empty.

HARRY
What is it this time?

VERNON
I've changed my mind.

HARRY
(sarcastic) There's a surprise.

PETUNIA
Do not take that tone -

VERNON
Now, now, Petunia. Well, boy, you claim this Lord..Voldything -

HARRY
Lord Voldemort, and we've been through this before; it's not a claim, it's a fact. He's been back for two years, and almost all The Order of the Phoenix are convinced that as the protection that keeps this place safe as long as I call it home runs out right when I turn 17, he'll be coming after you as soon as possible - whether it's to get information on me or because he thinks he can have at me by luring me here to save you.

Harry's and Vernon's eyes meet for a moment here, both clearly wondering the same thing.

HARRY
You need to go into hiding, and you're being offered the best protection there is. Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle are more than capable.

VERNON
Well, what am I to do about work - and Dudley's school?!

HARRY
None of that matters! Don't you understand, all this stuff that's been happening, the accidents, the disappearances, the deaths, it's all because of him. Even this mist - that's caused by the dementors; they're breeding. And if you don't remember what those are ask your son, he almost had his soul sucked out by one.

VERNON
Alright, alright, you've made your point!

HARRY
I hope so.

DUDLEY
Dementors...I didn't know there were more of them. (pause) Dad, I'm going with these Order people.

HARRY
Smartest thing you've ever said, Dudley.

And this seems to have made the decision for Vernon and Petunia as well, as the doorbell rings. Harry answers it to greet HESTIA JONES and DEDALUS DIGGLE of THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.

DEDALUS
Mr. Potter.

HESTIA
Hello, Harry.

HARRY
Hi guys, thanks for doing this.

DEDALUS
Oh, not at all, not at all. Well (stepping over the threshold followed by Hestia), good evening Harry Potter's relatives!

It appears the Dursleys do not enjoy being greeted thus.

DEDALUS
Harry's told you the plan, then? (The Dursleys nod - Vernon grunts slightly - in affirmation.) Excellent; well, then, shall we be off?

Although they stand at the ready, the Dursleys make no movement forward.

HESTIA
Oh, perhaps we should give them a moment alone.

DEDALUS
Oh yes, of course.

HARRY
No, really, there's no need.

HESTIA
Well, surely you'd want to see each other off; you are family, after all.

HARRY
Well, they don't think of me as family so much as a waste of space.

DUDLEY
I don't think you're a waste of space.

Somewhat shocked looks from Vernon, Petunia, and especially Harry follow this statement.

HARRY
Oh...well, thanks, Dudley.

Dudley seems to be looking for the right words to convey his feelings before he says:

DUDLEY
You saved my life.

Dudley walks forward a bit and reaches out his hand to shake Harry's.

HARRY
(shaking it in return) Blimey, Dudley, did the dementors blow a different personality into you?

DUDLEY
Dunno. Well, see you, Harry.

HARRY
...yeah, maybe.

Petunia takes this moment to walk over and hug/suffocate her son, sobbing "Dudders, that was so sweet".

VERNON
Well, are we going or not?

DEDALUS
Yes, we ought to be. We'll leave these things (pointing his wand to the luggage and sending it vanishing) waiting for us). And (shaking Harry's hand himself) good luck to you, Mr. Potter.

HESTIA
Our hopes lie with you.

HARRY
Er..right...

Dedalus and Hestia walk out followed by Vernon, who turns to give Harry a cursory "Goodbye, boy". Dudley escapes his mother's grip to follow after him, but Petunia remains hovering just outside the doorway, apparently wanting to say something herself.

PETUNIA
I-w-goodbye, then.

HARRY
Goodbye.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I'm so sorry I haven't been dedicated to this thread and I'm sory that I haven't been updating, but I'm afraid to say... I DO have a life!:lol:

Anyway...

I finally decided to write a bit more of PS (Maybe it was because the writer's strike was over:p). It's my lengthy first draft version, so PLEASE don't say "It's tooooooooooooooo long" cos I haven't got around to cutting things yet (That's stage 2)

So...

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

While posting in the HBP Thread I realize I for some reason stop posting here :lol:

Ok a fair warning before you read this....yes I cut out Harry going to the RoR...why...because at the time I had no idea it would turn out to be important...guess I suck at clues and suck lol

Of course if I have the chance to do a rewrite I will of course add the scene back in...but it's still cool to see where my mind was on cuts pre-DH and how many things I will now change...tell me what you guys think.



Ok I won't say it's to long :p But all those people being sorted..yeah..change that lol

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Alright, maybe this thread isn't dead after all! I'd hope not, for one, I've only posted 3 of my scenes from HBP and 2 from DH. Anyway, Phrozenone, I liked your Sectumsempra (although, yeah, the Room of Requirement is very missed); here are just a few nits to pick:

For some reason, I cannot hear Emma's reading of this. I guess I'd suggest an eyeroll and a small exasperated sigh as Ron's talking before she moves on to Ginny and Dean?

I don't think this is necessary. I would say just have Ginny come in, then Harry ask her if she's okay.

Here's my take: have Harry take the short deep breath before Sectumsempra; he has no idea what the spell is, or what effect it'll have, but hey, he also doesn't know what Malfoy's up to, and it did say "For Enemies". I think it'd work better there.

It's a pretty nice script overall, Phrozenone; I mean, there's a fair amount of dialogue in need of adjustment, I think (like we were talking about after my Spinner's End, fitting things to actors you're writing for), and some stuff along the way that seems unneeded or kind of random (like that bit with Ron/Ginny I pointed out, for one), but good. Of course, there's a lot of stuff you and I disagree on; for instance, I cut Bill/Fleur, I have Slughorn's intro at Budleigh Babberton, and I changed the timing and placement of certain things - but that's not error of writing, obviously.

(By the way, have you - or anyone, I guess - read the other HBP and DH pages I've posted? I'd certainly appreciate your thoughts.)

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

:lol: I agree actually..maybe I should insert *move eyebrows frantically with a deep inhale* before the line. That'll work great for Emma :p

Point well taken :tu:

I hear what you're saying. I think I was kind of going for what he did in the graveyard scene with Voldemort since this is his signature spell and all...but you're absolutely right.

Thank you :cool:

And yeah you're right and actually we DO agree on those things. This is actually my 3rd revision of my HBP script. I've done one with no Bill/Fluer at all (Honestly the only reason I have Bill in this one was because I didn't know how he would play out in DH and if the werewolf thing would be huge....since of course it isn't he'll never grace my scripts again :lol:) I had the meeting at Budleigh Babberton aswell originally.

I think it's very fun and interesting how many different ways you can shape one story. So no worries...I'm sure we're on the same page more than anything :p


Of course I have I'm just a lazy bum who takes his time before replying :cool:

Alright so here are a few things that stood out to me...

Do we honestly need to know their names...and better yet..do they have to have lines? lol I mean honestly I like this scene but this seems like a case of 'Introducing names that play nothing in the end...' kinda like Yaxly in your DH script.

ALTHOUGH I guess it makes it more personal (I would still give the extra's these names in the credits not Order Member 14 :lol:)

Overall though good job as usual :tu: Did you ever get to read the bits of my DH script I posted a while back?

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Ah, alright; that makes sense.

No, we don't need their names; I thought about not giving them any, but I guess I'm just not so comfortable with having them totally anonymous. And they kind of have to have lines, I think, to segue into Dudley's little moment here. As for Yaxley, well, see he only appears in this one sequence, so that suggestion I've heard about replacing him with Bella doesn't really boost her role; that and I want to keep as much as possible the idea that the Death Eaters are basically an army; not all of them need to either big players or extras, you know?

As usual? Wow, thanks.

Somehow I knew that was coming. :lol:

I believe I've read all of your DH stuff; that was in December, right? I remember I went on about how much I liked your execution of the Dumbledore/Grindelwald duel, even if I don't think we should see such a sequence, for one thing.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Yeah so I'm being lazy today so I'll just wrap this excert in Quote tags :lol: I'm almost near the finish!

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

hmmmmm no replies huh? Well I guess I'll just post more of the script then. This will be a long one so sit back and :relax:

So who made it through all that huh? :lol: Funny thing is this is my first time in a while reading these scenes and I've just gotten SO excited for the HBP movie just now. Anyways my next post will be the rest of my HBP script so let me know what you guys think. :cool:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I made it through that post. It was fantastic, my old friend. Simply fantastic.. It made me even more excited about this film if that is possible. It also made me think about how they are going to do certain things in the movie.

I wonder if they will keep the Trelawnly/Snape reavelation or if Julie Christie has been re-casted as Madam Rosmerta.

I must say, when I read your scirpt, I pictured the Dumbledore from the book. I know how much you love Gambon, but I just cannot picture him saying those lines so calmly and serene.

If the real scirpt is half as good as yours, we got a pretty damn good film coming out in November.

Good work, Phrozenone. :tu:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

aww thanks

I actually was talking through Gambon's voice the entire time I was writing this script (Along with every other character...horrible yes...but I tried :p) and I think he can pull it off well.

Remember how he said Severus in GOF after the Trophy Room scene when he said "I agree...with Severus"...that's how I hear him saying 'Severus' on the Astronomy Tower in my head....

Thanks for the critique though. I hope they do keep the Snape/Trelawney revelation. In the recent revision I started on I added a talk in the first lesson that Dumbledore has with Harry where he tells him that it was Trelawney who made the prophecy and yadda yadda to kill two bird with one stone.

One re introducing the prophecy in the HBP film so that when the reveal happens later people won't be struggling to remember something from the last movie. Just have something like this (This is off the top of my head so it may suck but you'll get the point)

DUMBLEDORE
That prophecy you heard last year was made by none other than Professor Trelawney. She made it when I was interviewing her for the teaching post here. Unfortunately we were interrupted..."

HARRY
By who sir?

DUMBLEDORE
That isn't important at the moment I'm sorry to say...

HARRY
And was this...person...the one who told Voldemort about the prophecy? Are they the reason my parents are dead?

DUMBLEDORE
(Stares off into the distance for a moment)
I'm sorry to say that in some way they are...

HARRY
Sir I think I have the right to know....

DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry but right now we have more important things to discuss. So, Harry. You have been wondering, I am sure, what I have planned for you during these lessons?

And you guys know the rest lol I would even go so far to actually SHOW the interview as Dumbledore talks about it but cut it off before Snape appears and of course show the rest when Trelawney talks about it

Just an idea though

EDIT: :lol: That sounds like a deleted scene or something now that I think about it. Sorry I'm easily amused :lol:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Let me point out something that bothers me in your scirpt.

I don't like how Harry just asks her about how long she has been teaching there. It just seems out of character, out of place and outright odd and way too convienant. I think we can find a way to more casually enter the flashback explanation bit into the conversation.

Oh and was there a reason why you had Dumbledore himself conclude that Draco had Rosmerta under the curse? I think in the book Draco tells him.

HBP does have a chance to get in all the information about the prophecy that was cut from OOTP. You know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that the prophecy information belongs more in HBP because it is where we disocver more about it and we get that great speech from Dumbledore about 'the difference between being dragged into an arena and walking in with your head helpd up high." Also we get the Snape revelation. I hope Yates planned this and he knows what he's doing.

If we had all the prophecy information in OOTP, he would have had to remind the audeince of it anyway. This way get intorduced to all this prophecy stuff in this film where it matters more.

I like your idea of building up the question of who was the spy over the course of the film. I always wondered why in the books, Harry never once questions WHO spied on the prophecy. It's a detail you'd think he'd be hungry to hear.

Though you don't want to hammer it either.

Learning about Snape being the spy right before heading out the cave turns on the tension so brillaintly and sets up the ending, reminding the audience most strongly that Snape could be bad or good and leave them wondering for when Snape steps out on that tower, the question of Snape's loyalties will be fresh in their minds.

There is so many different ways to re-interpet these wonderful stories into film adaptations that it is simply impossible that no one will ever try to remake these films in the far future.

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

heh yeah I was having problems bringing up the conversation so I just stuck it in there. Trust me I'm not happy with it either.

I'm thinking that maybe later on Harry mentions to Ron and Hermione what Dumbledore said (About Trelawney making the prophecy and Hermione being suprised because she thought she was rubbish) and OBVIOUSLY the thing to do is to go and ask Trelawney about it himself but Harry doesn't think about it until that moment.

Which means I'd have to add more to the conversation....maybe something like this...

TRELAWNEY
I miss having you in my classes Harry, you were never much of a Seer..but you were a wonderful Object…

HARRY
Thanks....I think.....

TRELAWNEY
By chance could you tell me how you found out about the room my boy...

HARRY
Oh...I...um...needed the bathroom once and viola!

TRELAWNEY
Oh? Yes I guess it could be useful for that. I found it my first year teaching here actually....

HARRY
Your first year.....
(A light goes off in Harry's eyes)

TRELAWNEY
Ah yes my dear boy....remember like it was yesterday...I can't believe it's been 16 years....

HARRY
Professor....do you by chance remember the inteview that got you the job?

TRELAWNEY
Indeed I do. It was Dumbledore who interviewed me you know?

The scene goes into a flashback of Trelawney and Dumbledore sitting in a room in the Hogs Head


And it proceeds as followed. Is that a LITTLE better MasterofDeath :p

Hmmm apparently my brain works best at night or something :lol: that's just an idea though...sorry if it sucks but making a little mystery of 'Who disturbed Trelawney' would be cool....but as you said MasterofDeath I wouldn't make it into a big deal or anything

Also after re reading it I was going to cut the whole 'Rosmerta under a curse' thing anyways...I doubt anyone really cares :lol:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

:tu: That's perfect!

I never thought Rosemarta would even make the movie. I don't think she is really needed at all....

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

:D

And the ONLY reason I would argue keeping her is....I want someone to say 'The Dark Mark' before they notice it you know? I just love it because it gives Harry and Dumbledore that moment where they both slowly look up at the school and then the camera slowly pans up

ALTHOUGH....(Jeez my brain is on FIRE late night/early mornings)...

After Dumbledore tells Harry to get Snape Harry will say he'll be back and run out from the building.

HARRY
Sir....

DUMBLEDORE
Harry....what's wrong...

HARRY
The...Dark Mark....sir....

Then Dumbledore will slowly walk up to Harry and look off into the distance where we will pan up slowly and BAM Dark Mark over Hogwarts....

So you're right...next version of my HBP script...she's OUT! :p

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

There's also another way of doing the scene.

The camera pans past a building and WE see the dark mark before they do.

I don't know there might be something cliche about someone exclaiming "The dark mark!" and then just panning to the dark mark.

It might be more suspeseful if we see the dark mark first and then they notice the mark?

It's just an early morning thought. :relax:


And yes, your on fire tonight, Phrozenone! Keep it BURNING, baby! :rockon::cool::p:lol:

You the MAN, Phrozenone

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

I'm just all for the pan up :lol:

ALTHOUGH (I seem to be saying this alot tonight) Reading what you said just gave me a thought that sent shivers up my spine.

How about the entire time that they dialogue between Harry and Dumbledore is happening their backs are turned to the castle. So while all the 'I need Severus" and stuff is happening the audience see's the Dark Mark floating over the school in the distance. That would be CRAZY! Then Harry looks back and alerts Dumbledore..yadda yadda

To give you a visual reference...kinda like when Cedric and Harry were pulled to the graveyard. Just imagine that building in the background of that scene is Hogwarts with the Dark Mark and Cedric is Dumbledore....wow

Although I still want my pan though :lol: THAT could possibly make me change my mind because I can see the audience reaction while Harry and Dumbledore are clueless.

Good idea MoD!!

*Starts pondering next HBP script rewrite*

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

No problem my friend.

Hey, It's me :cool:

That's actually exactly what I had in mind. That the audience would see the mark and the suspense would be that the characters don't know. It's like one of those classic: "BEHIND YOU!!!" moments in the old horror films.

I can't wait for the rewrite! Don't forgot to include my own lines in the begining when Harry and Dumbledore are walking to Slughorn's house:

DUMBLEDORE
Stay vigilant, Harry. I give you every right to use any jinx, hex or spell that comes to mind if you need to defend yourself. These are dangerous times.

HARRY
Alright, but I can't say I'm too worried, sir.

DUMBLEDORE
Oh? And why not?

Harry is now very arkward and shy.

HARRY
Er...well....I am with you.

Dumbledore laughs.

DUMBLEDORE
Ah, Harry you make it so hard to be modest....

Harry smiles

DUMBLEDORE
Even so..it won't hurt to keep an eye out, hmm? *serious and grave now* Some evil in this world is beyond even me, Harry.


That's what your revised scirpt needs. More ADAPTATION. Alot of your lines are only taken from the book. Be creative. Add some new life to the scirpt. Make up your own lines keeping to the canon and nature of the character of course but don't be afraid to be creative.

Keep up the good work! :tu:

Re: Fan Scripts: Script your own version of Harry Potter
 

Thanks and I'll surely add those lines (To your credit of course) and you're right.

I really didn't want to go into hardcore adaptation mode until I saw OOTP though you know? Now that I have in my mind what I want to do (And I know the ending of the series YAY) I'll be able to really get in and try to make it my own (But keeping the feeling right)

You've inspired me to start rewriting HBP (I'll finish DH soon enough..there's SO much I need to change in HBP first) So when I wake up the rewriting will begin.

Also since I'm tired and there have been a number of posts since earlier I'll just go ahead and post the ending of my HBP script. It's been a long journey but it only took 8 pages for me to make it here. Thanks to everyone in this thread who has given me opinions and I'll be using them next time.

Where's ArryGrotter? You should get back in here and stop having a 'real' life :lol: Anyways here's the ending to the third version of my HBP script....4th version starts tomorrow and hopefully there will be interest to read it when I'm done.

Now I KNOW what some of you are going to say :lol: Remember this was all pre OOTP movie and DH book so I just threw things in because I thought they'd be important :lol:

Thanks for reading everyone :)

Also here's a list of everything I cut out for anyone who cares (And notice how OFF I was on some very IMPORTANT things that I thought wasn't needed)

CUTS:

-MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER
-FINAL QUIDDITCH MATCH
-LUNA’S COMMENTARY
-BUCKBEAK
-ELABORATION OF TONKS AND LUPINS RELATIONSHIP (THERE ARE CLUES)
-RON BEING TRICKED TO THINK HE TOOK FELIX FELICES
-RONS VICTORY IN QUIDDITCH
-THE PRIME MINISTER
-HAGRIDS ANGER TOWARDS THE TRIO NOT TAKING HIS CLASS
-FRED AND GEORGE’S JOKE PENS
-HARRY TRYING TO GET INTO THE ROOM OF REQUIRMENTS TO SEE WHAT DRACO IS UP TOO
-SNAPE TELLING HARRY TO BRING HIS BOOKS TO HIM (AFTER THE DRACO FIGHT)
-HARRY THROWING THE ADVANCED POTIONS BOOK INTO THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENTS AFTER HARMING DRACO
-DRACO LEAVING QUIDDITCH GAME WITH TWO “GIRLS” THAT ARE REALLY CRABBE AND GOYLE IN DISQUISE
-ARAGOG’S FUNERAL
-HERBOLOGY CLASS
-HAGRID AT DIAGON ALLEY
-HARRY’S DISCUSSION WITH MCGONNAGALL AFTER DUMBLEDORE’S DEATH IN DUMBLEDORE’S OFFICE
-SPINNERS END
-THE MEMORY WHEN TOM RIDDLE MEETS MORFIN GAUNT
-CHARMS CLASS
-FLUER DELACOUR (SHE IS OF COURSE MENTIONED….SHE’S SACRAFICED FOR BILL WEASLEY INSTEAD)
-DUMBLEDORE AND HARRY VISITING SLUGHORN AND CONVINCING HIM TO WORK AT HOGWARTS