Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

Note: This isn't exactly 500 words, but it's getting close. Also, there's a song in here. If any aurors or anyone has a problem with that, please owl me and let me know. Thanks.

______

“This won’t hurt a bit,” said Madam Pomfrey.

“It will all be over before you know it,” Flitwick chimed in.

“The Headmaster’s orders; your blood pressure is up way too high,” McGonagall sighed.

“And this is going to help?” Snape snapped, looking doubtfully at The Three Broomsticks. Above the door there stretched a banner that read: “Karaoke Nite!” He grimaced. “This ought to be a laugh.”

“Well, you could use one,” said Madam Pomfrey sternly; “laughter is the best remedy for hyper tension.”

Flitwick and McGonagall looked at each other, finding it very unlikely that Snape had ever once in existence let himself laugh. It was doubtful if the man was even capable of such a feat.

“Well, shall we?”

“I’m leaving,” said Snape, turning on the spot to disapparate.

“Stupify!” yelled McGongall.

Snape keeled over backwards, unable to move. “Let’s get him inside before the charm wears off,” said Madam Pomfrey, grabbing Snape under the right arm. She and Minerva then proceeded to drag Snape, quite unceremoniously, into the pub.

“Ooh, it’s Snape’s favorite!” Flitwick squeaked. “Achy, Breaky Black Heart.”

The three laughed as they propped Snape up in a chair. If he could move them, Snape’s eyes would be rolling.

The song ended abruptly when the wizard singing lost his voice. “Thank you, Billius Raymond Syren,” said Hagrid, the MC for the evening. “An’ now, ladies and gents, I’m pleased ter welcome, Harry Potter.”

“Thanks, Hagrid. This is a little song that I wrote,” said Harry, holding out a piece of paper. “It’s about my cousin, Dudley.”

“This should be good!” Flitwick chirped, magicking a bag of popcorn out of thin air.

“If Dudley were a wizard,
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
All day long he’d sit upon his bum,
If he were a magic-man.
He (still) wouldn’t have to work hard
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
’Cause if he needed anything done,
He’d Imperio someone else to do it for him.

The Sorting Hat would think of putting him in Slytherin,
But would realize he hadn’t any brains,
So Ravenclaw would be out of the question, then.
He has the courage of a wee, tiny, little mouse,
Oh, and he’s afraid of them.
Even Helga wouldn’t have taken him in!”

Everyone who had heard of Dudley Dursley roared. Flitwick laughed so hard that he spilled his popcorn all over Snape’s lap.

“Avada—” thought Snape….

“Very clever,” said McGonagall, her face turning red because she was laughing so hard. “Have you ever seen Wizard on the Roof, Severus?”

Severus was trying so hard to break the spell that he looked constipated.

___
To be continued....

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

Finally, after Harry’s song and a very poorly sang duet, Minerva took pity on Snape and lifted the stunning spell. “And where do you think you are going?” she demanded.

Snape had bolted out of his chair, spilling Flitwick’s popcorn everywhere. “This caterwauling is giving me a headache,” Snape replied, rubbing his temples. “The singing’s dreadful, their attire deplorable, and I don’t like how Weasley kept looking at me during ‘Double Crossing Blues.’ All in all, disastrous performances.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said a man’s voice from behind him. “It was like someone was performing the Cruciatus Curse on a tone-deaf bulldog.”

Snape turned around to spy a cross-looking man wearing a grey T-shirt and a pair of jeans. He looked oddly familiar. “Have we met before?” Snape snapped.

“I don’t believe I’ve ever had the displeasure.”

"Severus."

"Simon."

"Professor Snape."

"Mr. Cowell."

The two glared at each other for a moment; then, quite unexpectedly, began making their way towards the stage. McGonagall, not liking where this was going, followed quickly on their heels.

"Professor!" said McGonagall, trying to keep up with Snape's long, determined strides. "Professor, what exactly in the name of Merlin do you think you're doing? Not singing, I hope."

Snape did not answer, but scared a group of second-year Hufflepuffs out of the front row and took a seat, as did Simon. "I'd better keep an eye on these two," thought Minerva taking a seat next to Simon.

"An' now," said Hagrid, obviously under the influence of firewhiskey, "'Moody's Mood fer Love' performed by Mad-Eye--er, Moody."

"Thanks," growled Moody, his eye swerving in every direction. He then opened his mouth and began to sing--very off-key, if I might add--and dance.

"There I go, there I go, there I go, there I go
Pretty baby you are the soul that snaps my control
It's a funny thing but every time I'm near you
I never can behave
You give me a smile and I'm wrapped up in your magic
Music all around me, crazy music, music that keeps calling me so..."*

"What is that?" Snape interrupted. "It sounded like a cat regurgitating a hairball. Don't you agree, Mr. Cowell?"

"Dreadful, absolutely dreadful," Simon said.

"Next time, Moody, warn us in advance when you're going to dance so that we can take the necessary precautions--such as re-inforcing the floors."

"I'll blast you to bits, you ol' Death Eater!" Moody yelled, drawing out his wand.

"Good," said Snape, "then I won't have to endure any more of your singing."

"I didn't think it was that bad," Minerva said over all of the boos.


*Note: "Moody's Mood for Love" is a real song and these lyrics were taken from it!

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

A woman with long green locks stepped onto the stage. "Wotcher, Minerva," she said. "As Hagrid is currently unavailable--meaning he's dead drunk--" The audience roared with appreciative laughter. Snape still looked constipated. "I'll be introducing myself. I'm--"

"Just tell us what you're singing, Nymphadora," Snape hissed.

"It's TONKS!" She then conjured a guitar out of nowhere, put the strap over her shoulder and took one step too close to the edge of the stage and fell off. "Ow."

"Will you please just get on with the ruddy song?" Simon sighed.

"I'm all right, thank you for asking." She had managed to pull herself and her destroyed guitar back onto the stage. "Repairo! There we go." She then strummed a few chords and sang:

"Those fingers in my hair,
That sly come hither stare,
That strips my conscious bare,
It's witchcraft--"

"How original," Snape sneered.

"You've got to work on your song choices. It's the song choices that make or break a witch or wizard."

"You were a little sharp there, Nymphadora--" said McGonagall.

"Tonks," the witch sighed.

Minerva continued. "I can't say much beyond that, because these two bumbling baboons won't let a person finish a song. Choose another, dear. Oh, and that green hair makes your skin look yellow."

"Thanks," said Tonks, morphing her hair into short, pink spikes. She then sang her own (much less crude) version of "Honky Tonk Women", calling it "Honky Tonks Woman."

"Nymphadora--"

"Tonks."

"I believe it Honky TONK not Honky TONKS."

"And what do you mean by parading around in those Muggle clothes?" Snape demanded. "Are you a paid advertisement for the Weird Sisters?"

"Shove off, you old bat!" Nymphadora--er, sorry, TONKS--smashed her guitar on the stage and stormed off past Remus Lupin.

"Hello," he said, as if addressing a class. "My name is R.J. Lupin, and I will be singing 'How High the Moon.'"

"Avada me now," Snape moaned.

***

Meanwhile, somewhere in the back row....

"So tell me, Filius," slurred Hagrid, who had just sat down next to Professor Flitwick; "Knowin' Snape an' all, and seeing as he's so, er, mean..."

"Yes?" Flitwick encouraged him to go on.

"How did Snape manage to get all them numbers a' speed-dating night?"

"They were all the same number--"

"Huh. That's funny, that's fer sure."

"--for an emergency plastic surgeon hotline."

Hagrid let out an earth-shattering roar, causing Remus to lose his balance and fall over mid-way through the song.

"You've obviously been around Tonks too long," said Snape.

"The best singing I've heard so far tonight. Then again, you haven't had much competition."

"Never mind them, Remus," said McGonagall; "you sounded lovely."

"Thank you, Professor," Remus said, smiling broadly, but his eyes were fixed on a certain pink-haired witch, who was currently mending a glass she had knocked over.

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

Next up was Filch who sang his own rendition of "Dust My Broom" with his cat, Mrs. Norris, who meowed in all the right places.

"The best part of that song," said Snape, once Filch had finished, "was the cat."

"I'm sorry, Argus, but I'm inclined to agree with Professor Snape," Minerva concurred.

"Brilliant, Mrs. Norris," Simon chimed in. "See me afterwards; there's a contract proposal I'd like you to look over."

"But, what about me?" asked a bewildered Filch. He then looked down at Mrs. Norris with loathing in his teary eyes. "I taught her everything she knows!"

"Clearly not," remarked Snape. "Next."

"Untalented squib," droned a man with bleach-blonde hair and cruel, pale eyes.

"Death Eater," Filch retaliated as he fled from the stage with his cat.

"Hello, Lucius," said McGonagall as politley as she could, though her nostrils flared. "What would you like to--oh, I see young Mr. Malfoy is with you. What would you both like to sing?"

"'Blondes Have More Fun,'" replied Draco Malfoy.

"I never would have thought," she sighed. "Well, don't just stand there. Carry on."

"Is it a matter of opinion
or just a contradiction
but from where I come from
all the blondes have more fun--" sang Draco in a trembly tenor voice.

"Now, now, Draco, it's my turn," cut in Lucius, pushing his son aside with the walking stick he always carried. He then began to sing in a squeaky, Mickey Mouse Voice:

"You can keep your black and your red heads
You can keep your brunettes too
I wanna be—

"Potter! Quit hexing me!"

"Excellent singing. 100 points to Slytherin, and fifty from Gryffindor," said Snape, smirking at Harry Potter.

"I knew he'd bring points into it somehow," Harry muttered, sinking between Hermione and Ron, who were madly batting eyes at each other.

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

"Look at the world in disbelief
You used to follow now you lead
Hogwarts has enlightened you
And you are proud to be different
And like different wizards, different types
You ain't nobody's fool
It's like certain people remind you of someone you hated
'Cause they didn't know the right things
And there's only one Hogwarts: A History ..." sang Ron, his eyes transfixed on Hermione, who was blushing furiously. He then finished off with:

"Know it all, Know it all
Really listen to my love song
Could you ever love whom you call Ron?"*

"Ghastly. Even Potter sounded better than you."

"Ronald, what were you thinking?"

"Mr. Weasley," came McGonagall's strict voice, "you obviously have not been practicing."

The audience was silent, then there was a loud "crack", and a house elf apparated onto the stage, right in front of Ron.

"Dobby heard Mr. Weasley being strangled, Harry Potter, sir; Dobby has come to warn you--" Dobby looked up at Ron, and his tennis ball eyes widened. "Dobby is so sorry, sir. Dobby thought that Harry Potter's friend was being tortured by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." Dobby shuddered.

"No, Dobby," Ron replied, his face turning a shade of red that would have made a tomato jealous, "it was just me singing."

"Even worse, sir!" squealed Dobby. "No more! No more! Dobby must save Harry Potter!" Dobby pushed Ron over, ran to Harry, grabbed him and with a click of his fingers, they both disapparated.

***
Next up were Fred and George Weasley.

"Double, double--" sang Fred, holding the last note.

"Your refreshment," sang George.

"Double, double--"

"Your enjoyment. Oh,"

Together: "No single gum double freshens your mouth like Doublemint Gum."

They finished the song, and were met with enthusiastic applause and whistling. Grinning widely at each other, the Weasley twins then conjured up packs of gum that they claimed would split you into two persons.

"Come on, ladies--"

"--and germs--"

"Five sickles a pack!" Fred called out.

"There will be no soliciting on this stage," Snape snapped, accioing the gum from the twins' hands. He looked at the gum for a moment, reading the ingredients label and pondering whether or not he should nick a pack.

McGonagall, aware of how her colleague's mind worked, vanished the gum before Snape could chuck it into pockets. "We don't need two of you around, that's for sure," she murmurred.


*All of the songs I use in this story belong to their respective owners. ::Smacks palm on forehead::

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

"We want Minerva!" Hagrid belched. "Sing some rock 'n roll."

"Yeah!" the crowd cheered.

"I couldn't possibly--" she mumbled, her face turning scarlet.

"If you're afraid--" Snape began.

"I'm not afraid...I'm practical. This is really just a frivilous practice--"

"Well, if you're not going to sing, maybe I will," Snape threatened. That was all the encouragement McGonagall needed.

"I'll do it--on one condition."

"Name it," Professor Flitwick squawked, clearly under the influence of Hagrid's fire whiskey.

"Someone had better hand me some lyrics; I'm afraid I don't know any of these new newfangled 'rock 'n troll' tunes."

"Big surprise there," muttered Ron, who was still recovering from his Dobby encounter.

"Here, Minerva," said Tonks cheerily, conjuring a new guitar then throwing the strap over her shoulder; "I'll play for ya."

"I've found some wicked lyrics," said George, handing McGonagall a few sheets of music.

"Ooh, nice one, George," Tonks whistled looking at the music in McGonagall's hand. She then began to strum her guitar, and Minerva began to talk her way through the song, in the same strict voice she used on delinquent students.

"Wild thing
You make my heart sing
You make everything ...'groovy'? What kind of word is that?"

"Just keep singing," Tonks hissed as she continued to rock her guitar.

"Old McGongall and 'Wild Thing'? You've got to be joking!" Ron laughed so hard that he wet himself.

"...But I want to know for sure
Come on, hold me tight
I love--Tonks? TONKS!" she snapped at the young witch, who had gone into a rock solo.

Tonks then smashed her guitar to pieces and threw herself out into the crowd, which was roaring.

"Nymphadora!" said an outraged McGonagall. "What in Merlin's name are you doing? You boys, put her down!"

Lupin did not seem too happy either.

"Oh, goody," said Snape, as Tonks 'accidentally' kicked him in the head.

***

Finally, when Tonks had been properly sedated and carried off by Lupin, Minerva resumed her seat and gave Snape a death stare. "One word of this to anyone, Severus," she hissed, "and I'll go straight to the Headmaster."

"Go right ahead," said Snape calmly; "I'm sure that Professor Dumbledore could use a good laugh."

"Ahem!" Ginny Weasley coughed rather loudly to get their attention. "Hem, hem. That's better. I'll be singing 'Holding out for a Hero':

Where have all of the good wizards gone
And what’s with all of the s*ds?
Where’s the street-wise Merlin, please,
To fight the rising odds?
Isn’t there a white knight upon a Firebolt steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream
of what I need

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder end rising with the heat
It's gonna take a Potter to sweep me off my feet

I love you, Harry, wherever you are!" Ginny then burst into tears and ran from the stage, hexing anyone who got in her way.

*Thank you to IMissPadfoot for the song suggestion! I'm still open to requests!

***

"Hi, I'm Colin Creevey and this is my brother, Dennis," panted Colin, dragging his brother onto the stage. "We're co-founders of the HPFC: The Harry Potter Fan Club--"

"Not to be mistaken for 'spew'!" shouted Fred.

"It's S.P.E.W.!" Hermione insisted. "Honestly."

"Here's a song we wrote for Harry, based on his experiences during his fifth year."

"I can hardly wait for this," Snape groaned, rubbing his temples.

The boy's then began to sing:

"Where is that Albus when you need him the most
You put down your wand and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
That Umbridge done took your broom away
For saying Malfoy’s carrion

You walked a thin line, gave Draco a blow
You’re grabbin’ your scar with pumpkin juice to go
You tell me that You-Know-Who is back
That Dumbledore’s got himself the sack
That dumb Umbridge is carrion

'Cause you had a bad day
You took Malfoy down
Fred and George left, would have burned the place down
They’re telling you "no"
They say that you lie
You flatten your hair and you go do your lines
You had a bad day
My camera don’t lie
You’re stuck on the ground and you really do mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a Hogsmeade holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
That You-Know-Who's not carrion

Cause you had a bad day
You took Malfoy down
Fred and George left, would have burned the place down
They’re telling you "no"
They say that you lie
You flatten your hair and you go do your lines
You had a bad day
My camera don’t lie
You’re stuck on the ground and you really do mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day*

(Oh . . . Hogsmeade day . . .)

Sometimes wizards go on the blink
And the whole world thinks you’re wrong
You might not make it past and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I’m not wrong.

So where is that Albus when you need him the most
The Order and I
You set down your wand and the magic is lost

'Cause you had a bad day
You took Malfoy down
Fred and George left, would have burned the place down
They’re telling you "no"
They say that you lie
You flatten your hair and you go do your lines
You had a bad day
Don’t see what you like
And how does it feel not to fly
You had a bad day
You had a bad day."


"You two have to be the worst lyricists I ever heard," said Simon, his jaw dropped. "Daniel Powter would be ashamed! Rubbish, absolute rubbish."

Snape was too busy throwing up in an airsick bag to notice. He came up gasping "Potter!" once or twice, before heaving again.

"Thank you, boys; that will be all."


------
*Sorry, aurors; I'll take out any songs that you want ::guilty smile::

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

The Screw-Tape Letters

(aka)

Snape's Appraisal:

1. Nearly-Headless Nick--"I left my head in San Francisco"--Snape: "I'll have nightmares for weeks. Fortunately, I know how to brew a mean Draught of Living Death..."

2. Gilderoy Lockhart--(to his reflection in a compact mirror) "I Only Have Eyes for You"--Snape: "Do I really have to comment on this? If looks could kill someone, Lockhart's teeth would first blind them and his singing would render them deaf."

3. Arthur Weasley--(to a plug) "My Ding-A-Ling"--Snape: "There's only one 'ding-a-ling' in this room and he's standing right before me. And that 'My Precioussss' bit was rather disturbing."

4. Sir Cadogan--"We are Not Yet Dead"--Snape: "I'm sure there's some damsel somewhere, WAY out of my hearing-distance, who needs rescuing."

5. The Sorting Hat--"My Hat, It Has Three Corners"--Snape:...

6. Mundungus Fletcher--"I Fought the Law and the Law Won"--Snape: "The biggest law you ever broke was when you opened your mouth to sing. Men have been sent to Azkaban for lesser crimes."

7. Neville Longbottom--"Forget to Remember"--Snape: "Clearly he forgot how to sing, because that was ghastly."

8. Bill Weasley--(to Fleur) "Hungry Like the Wolf"--Snape: "Is this a foreshadowing or something?"

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

Next, Ron and Moaning Myrtle sang:

'I don't like spiders and snakes
And that ain't what it takes to love me
You fool, you fool
I don't like spiders and snakes
And that ain't what it takes to love me
Like I want to be loved by you,'

which made Hermione jealous. Ron then explained, in front of everyone, that he and Myrtle were just friends. Apparently this was a big mistake to say. Myrtle began moaning and sobbing something about "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll circle the loo."

"Thank Merlin that's over," Simon said as Ron continued to reassure Hermione and Myrtle drifted into the girl's lavatory, sobbing.

"'No', it is not just me, and 'yes', it is getting worse," Snape groaned.

"Where's Harry?" panted Mr. Weasley, running back up to the stage. "I finally discovered the function of a rubber duck!"

"Help us," groaned McGonagall.

Mr. Weasley then belted out:

"Rubber Ducky,
you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky,
I'm awfully fond of you;
(woh woh, bee doh!)

Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Rubber Ducky,
You're my very best friend, it's true!
(doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)

Every day when I make my to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby
(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you.

Every day when I make my to the tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby
(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)

Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber ducky, I'd like a whole pond of -
Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you!
(doo doo, be doo.)"

Mr. Weasley's voice trailed off at the very end, and after a moment of pondering, he asked, "What exacltly is a 'doo-doo-be-doo'?"

"I don't know," replied Snape calmly; "why don't you visit Potter's aunt and uncle? I'm sure they'd love to tell you."

A big smile spread across Mr. Weasley's face, and with a 'crack' he disapparated; and with a snap, crackle and pop, Harry and Dobby apparated on the stage.

"No, Mr. Harry Potter, sir, no! Dobby heard the red head boy singing again! 'Tis an omen of death!"

"Shut up, Dobby!" Harry yelled, wrenching himself free from the house elf's grip.

"Dobby loves Harry Potter, sir; that is why he is protecting him. Does Harry Potter love Dobby too?" Dobby squeaked.

"Do I what?"

"Do you love me?" the house elf asked again.

"Do I love you?
With the trouble with the Dursleys
And you throwing the cake down,
I'm upset, I'm worn out, I'm 16!
I wanna lie down!
I'm sick at the suggestion."

"Harry Potter, Dobby is asking you a question!
Do you love me?"

"You're a house elf!"

"Speaking of which," said Hermione, marching three disgruntled-looking house elves onto the stage. "I think these young gentlemen have something to say to everyone."

"Oh, blast! Hermione, did you recruit spew members?" Ron croaked.

Hermione shot Ron a death glare that caused him to shut up. "It's S.P.E.W. Well, go on, boys, sing the theme song." Hermione pulled Harry from the stage and they both sat on either side of Ron.

"The Elvish People?" Snape sneered at the card one of the house elves had given him.

Then, all four house elves, Dobby included, began to sing:

"House Elf, there’s no need to feel down.
I said, House Elf, put that mop on the ground.
I said, House Elf, ’cause you’re nobody’s clown
There’s no need to be a lackey.

House Elf, there’s a place you can go.
I said, House Elf, when you’re needing some clothes.
You can stay there, and I’m sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

It’s fun to be in the S-P-E-W
It’s fun to be in the S-P-E-W

They have everything for House Elves to enjoy
It’s just one Knut to join….."

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

"Great, Percy's going to sing," Ron muttered into Hermione's ear as the third eldest Weasley pushed his way to the front of the room. "I've heard him sing in the shower before; not pretty."

"I bet he won't sing," Harry chimed in; "I bet he's here to tell us all off for having a good time while Voldemort's--stop wincing, Ron--while Voldemort's lurking around out there."

Then Percy opened his mouth, and what came out caused everyone to gape.

"We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No Dark Artists in the classroom
Teachers leave the kids alone
Hey teacher leave us kids alone
All in all it was just another brick in the wall
All in all you're just another brick in the wall."

Crickets chirped. The only other noise was Hagrid, laughing so hard that he broke his chairs (I say chairs because it took two to hold him.) He fell to the ground with a deafening "thud", which caused all of the chairs and their occupants to jump.

Finally, McGonagall found her voice. "That was, er, interesting, Percy."

Simon, for once in his life, was speechless. Snape, however, was not.

"I'd say leave the singing for the shower," he told Percy; "then again, we must think of that poor ghoul who lives in your attic."

Nose in the air, Percy then stormed off of the stage and stole out into the dark of the night.

Next, Luna Lovegood stumbled onto the stage, as if she were walking in some sort of weird dream. A chain of butterbeer caps was strung around her neck, and a bunch of pencils were curled up in her mousy blonde hair.

"Well, go on, dear; sing something," said McGonagall after the girl had been staring dreamily off into space for three minutes.

"People are strange when you're a stranger
Nargles look ugly when you're alone
Wizards seem wicked when you're unwanted
Streets are uneven when you're down

When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
Neville remembers your name
When you're strange
When you're strange
When you're strange--"

Luna was suddenly cut off by a little "hem hem" from the back of the room. Then a toadlike woman wearing a pink angora sweater took the stage. "Thank you, little girl, but I think we've all had enough of your talent for the evening," the woman said sweetly. "Run along now, dear."

"I hear she came onto Snape at that speed-dating thing he got roped into doing," Ron whispered to Harry.

"Now, there's a perfect match: Umbridge and Snape. Say, I wonder what their offspring would look like?"

The thought made the trio shudder.

"Jeremiah was a bullfrog--"

"Why are you singing about bullfrogs, woman?" asked George.

"Shouldn't you be singing about toads?" asked Fred.

Dolores Umbridge glared at them and tried to finish her song, but was interrupted by the twins' lively rendition of "Dolores Got Ran Over By a Centaur."

"Now, boys, that's really not--"

"Some folks say they don't believe in miracles,
But as for those at Hogwarts they believe," they finished off.

"That was very--"

"Clip-clop, clip-clop." The whole room was clacking their tongues. Dolores screamed and ran out of the room, wringing her hands in the air.

"Thank you, Masters Weasley," said Snape, raising an eyebrow. Was that--no, it couldn't be. Was Snape smiling?

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

And now for the conclusion
___________

Fred and George Weasley had been arguing over who looked grumpier: Snape or Simon. The twins finally arrived at the conclusion that both men were equally grumpy…or equally constipated. And, being natural men of good cheer, the twins decided that their wealth of cheeriness needed to be shared.

“Ready, Fred?” whispered George.

“Ready, George,” Fred whispered back. Then, at the identical moment they both pointed their wands at Snape and Simon and performed a cheering charm.

What resulted was terrifying.

(Click here to find out what happened!)

By the time Snape had finished the song, half of the room was already empty. Mrs. Weasley was trying to calm her daughter. Harry, Ron and Hermione were in hysterics, and McGonagall looked ready to throw up.

"Excellent." Fred and George high-fived each other.

"It's my turn!" said Simon, prancing onto the stage. Snape, however, was enjoying himself so much that he didn't want to leave. So, they both decided on a little duet.

Simon: "They say we`re young and we don`t know
Won`t find out till we grow
Well I don`t babay that`s true
Cause you got me and baby I got you

Simon and Snape: Babe, I got you babe, I got you, babe.

Snape: They say our love won`t pay the rent
Before it`s earn`d our money`s always spent
I guess that`s so, we don`t have a lot
But at least i`m sure of all the things we got

Snape and Simon: Babe, I got you babe, I got you, babe.
I got flowers in the spring
I got you, to wear my ring
And when i`m sad, you`re a clown
And when I get scared you`re always around
So let them say your hair`s too long
I don`t care, with you I can`t do wrong
And put your little hand in mine
There ain`t no hill or mountain we can`t climb..."

At this point, any decent person left in The Three Broomsticks fled. Fred and George, not being decent persons, remained. Eventually their cheering charm wore off, and Snape and Simon stopped the song, looked at each other, shuddered and left.

"Well, Fred."

"Well, George."

"All in all not a horrible waste of the evening."

"Who knew it. Snape, a karaoke superstar?"

The twins laughed and disapparated.

The End.

Stay tuned for missing moments!

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

The Snape Files: Exhibit A

If Harry and the Dark Lord had had a duet, it might have sounded a little like this:

Harry:
In sleep shades came to me,
In dreams he came,
That man who tortured me,
I speak his name.
And do I dream again?
For Snape will find,
The phantom of Lord Voldemort is there,
Inside my mind.

Voldemort:
Meet once again with me,
Bow down to death!
My power over you
Grows stronger yet.
And though you ran from me,
Again you’ll find
The phantom of Lord Voldemort is there,
Inside your mind.

Harry:
Those who have said your name,
Cringe back in fear.
I am the boy who lived.

Voldemort:
Oh, who the heck cares?!

Both:
Your/my scarred head and my/your name
In one combined.
The phantom of Lord Voldemort is there
Inside your/my mind.

O.S. (possibly Fred and George singing high tenor):
He’s there, the phantom of Lord Voldemort!
Beware, the phantom of Lord Voldemort!

The crowd then would have naturally aimed thousands of stunning spells and/or killing curses at Voldemort, who would have then been captured or killed, and we wouldn't have the rest of book 6, now would we ;)

***
The Snape Files: Exhibit B

If Dudley Were a Wizard: The Full Song

“Thanks, Hagrid. This is a little song that I wrote,” said Harry, holding out a piece of paper. “It’s about my cousin, Dudley:

If Dudley were a wizard,
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
All day long he’d sit upon his bum,
If he were a magic-man.
He (still) wouldn’t have to work hard
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
’Cause if he needed anything done,
He’d Imperio someone else to do it for him.

The Sorting Hat would think of putting him in Slytherin,
But would realize he hadn’t any brains,
So Ravenclaw would be out of the question, then.
He has the courage of a wee, tiny, little mouse,
Oh, and he’s afraid of them.
Even Helga wouldn’t have taken him in!

He’d fill his guts with chicken, turkey and beef
Until the plates would disappear,
Champing just as noisily as he can.
And each loud belch, and urp, and “Oh that’s enough!”
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say: “there lives a well-fed man.”
Oi.

If Dudley were a wizard,
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
All day long he’d sit upon his bum,
If he were a magic-man.
He (still) wouldn’t have to work hard
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
’Cause if he needed anything done,
He’d Imperio someone else to do it for him.

I see my cousin, Dudley, taking just an extra bite
(“What a proper seventh chin!”)
Eating just as much as he wants and can.
He’d then learn Cruccio and Avada Kadavra;
Oi, what a terror he would be then,
Cursing all the children left and right.

Crabbe and Doyle would come to fawn on him.
They’d ask him to advise them,
As if he were really wise:
“If you please, Dudley Dursley,”
“Pardon me, Dudley Dursley,”
“How did your pants come to be so wide?”

Ya-da-da-dee-da-da-yabidy-da-da-ya-da-da-apple-pie

And it won’t make one bit of difference
If he answers Snape right or wrong,
My enemy would be Snape’s bosom pal.
And I’d have to see him in the Great hall every, EVERY single day,
And that would be the greatest rub of all.
Oi.

If Dudley were a wizard,
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
All day long he’d sit upon his bum,
If he were a magic-man.
He (still) wouldn’t have to work hard
Waddle-waddle-dudley-dursley-ugly-ickle-dudders-dumb
Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
It would spoil some vast, eternal plan
If he were a magic-man.

Re: Snape: Karaoke Superstar?
 

The very next day....

"Well, Professor Snape," said Madam Pomfrey, "it looks as though your blood pressure is back to normal. You should do karaoke night more often."

"Merlin forbid," said Snape, rolling down his long black sleeve. "That's the last time I listen to the Headmaster."

"Speaking of which, Professor Dumbledore has a favor to ask of you."

Snape sat up so fast that he got light-headed. "What could he possibly want now? Is it my cholesterol? Weight? Height? Feet?--Nose? Does he want me to run a marathon with Potter on my back? I'm getting too old for this."

"Don't be foolish," snapped Madam Pomfrey. "He simply needs you to fill in for him--"

Snape's lips curled up. "Really? And Minerva is not up for the job?"

Madam Pomfrey shot him a look. "--Minerva? Dear, no; don't be ridiculous. Dumbledore said you're the best man for the job."

"Excellent."

"Good. Be at NWS at 9:30 a.m. sharp."

"The National Wizarding Station?" Snape raised an eyebrow at her. "Might I inquire what business might take me there?"....

___
9:30 a.m. sharp the next morning....

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome toooooooo 'The Dating Game.'"