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Old October 9th, 2010, 2:40 pm
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gelowo93  Female.gif gelowo93 is offline
Fourth Year
 
Join Date: 15th February 2010
Location: England
Age: 27
Posts: 660
Re: Learning to Live Again

I know what you're thinking - not another chapter of everyone crying constantly, but I swear there's only going to be this chapter and maybe a bit in the next one and that's it. Also, I wasn't going to bother with Hagrid's accent but I found this website and it helped a lot so all credit goes to whoever made that.

Enjoy.

Chapter 4

Lily could feel Harry straining against her grip, she looked down at him and saw that he was watching Neville and trying to reach him. Remus seemed to be having the same problem with Neville who was struggling to get out of Remus’ arms.

“What’s the matter, Harry? Do you want to play with Neville?”

Both Harry and Neville stopped struggling at the sound of their names; Harry turned around in Lily’s arms and looked straight into her face.

“Nev nev.”

“Okay then,” Lily said as she lifted Harry up and placed him on the floor. He crawled over to Remus and stood up, using the side of the sofa to steady himself, then started patting Remus’ leg.

Remus clumsily copied Lily and soon the toddlers were happily playing together. The adults watched them silently for a moment before Hagrid cleared his throat and began to speak.

“How are yeh feelin’? I guess tha’s a stupid question – I remember when me dad died, I –” Hagrid stopped talking when Remus got to his feet. He muttered something about wanting some fresh air and quickly walked through to the kitchen. Lily and Hagrid heard the back door open and then close. Hagrid looked startled, “Wha’ did I say? I didn' mean to upset yeh - I was jus' seein' if-”

“Don’t worry, it was the full moon last night. I’ll go talk to him.” Lily walked through the dining room and kitchen, and out the back door. “Tell ‘im I’m sorry.” She heard Hagrid call after her.

Remus was sat on an old bench in the small paved backyard, his head in his hands. It was only now that Lily could see how pale he was and the dark circles beneath his eyes – it must have been a rough night anyway, Lily thought. She wasn’t sure if Remus knew that she was there and she had opened her mouth to say something without really knowing what to say, when he spoke first.

“Go back inside, Lily. I want to be alone.”

His voice was muffled and distorted by his sobs so Lily could only just make out what Remus had said. Instead of going back inside, Lily sat down next to him.

“I don’t think that’s true. I … I know that I can’t stand being on my own. Because everything just seems too much to cope with,” Lily started spilling out all her thoughts, and tears came with them. “I mean – this time yesterday everything was fine! Now, my husband’s dead, I have to raise Harry on my own, I don’t have a job or a home, Voldemort is still after my son and the only other family member I have left I don’t talk to! How is this ever going to be ok? My life’s a mess! I’m 21 and my life’s a mess! I don’t – What am I – How -?”

Lily grew more hysterical the longer she spoke until finally she couldn’t speak anymore. Remus had taken his head out of his hands and put his arm around Lily’s shoulders, pulling her closer.

“You’re not on your own - you’ve got me and Sirius, and the whole Order.”

Lily’s tears were falling thick and fast, which prevented her from replying. She was thankful that Remus hadn’t tried to persuade her that everything would be OK, because how did anyone know that? Even Dumbledore didn’t trust Divination.

The sun gradually rose higher in the sky while the two of them sat outside, each wrapped up in their own thoughts yet grateful for the company. At one point, Lily began to shiver in the chilly November air and was going to go back inside, but Remus had taken his cloak off and wrapped it around her. She didn’t question the gesture, assuming that Remus didn’t really want to be left alone and not altogether wanting to go back inside to face Hagrid and anyone else who might have arrived.

It was just after noon when their silence was broken by the sound of the back door opening. Lily and Remus looked around to see Sirius stood in the doorway. He walked silently over to them and sat down on Lily’s other side.

“You were a long time, was there any trouble?” Lily asked.

“No – we had to make sure it was safe to walk around, a bit of the house was still standing. And then Bathilda came over, talking to Dumbledore.”

“Did you get -?” asked Remus, but he cut himself off mid sentence. Lily looked from him to Sirius, confused. But as she saw Sirius nodding a tear slowly made its way down his cheek and she understood. Suddenly, she didn’t want to be sat there doing nothing, she wanted to do something, anything.

The other two didn’t appear to have registered Lily’s change in mood, but Sirius stood up before she could say anything, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

“They’ve made some sandwiches inside – coming?”

Lily and Remus got up as well and the three of them headed back indoors. The small living room was once again full of people talking in subdued voices. They went silent as Lily, Remus and Sirius entered but started again almost instantly, as if they were trying to make the situation less awkward. Only Hagrid hadn’t fallen silent; he was sat cross-legged on the floor with Harry and Neville, playing with them. Even sat on the floor, he was roughly the same size as the people standing up and Lily almost laughed at how ridiculous he looked next to the two toddlers.

As Lily walked across the room to the sandwiches, she thought she could feel everyone’s eyes watching her but, turning around, she could see everyone talking to their neighbours and not paying her much attention. She turned back to grab a sandwich but, once again, felt as if everybody else in the room was watching her. Lily spun round and quickly glanced around again to see if anyone was looking at her. Deciding that she was paranoid and wouldn’t be able to stay in the room without thinking that people were analysing her every move, Lily muttered to Sirius.

“Where did you send all of the stuff you found?”

“In the basement, why?” Sirius frowned.

“I’m not hungry,” was all Lily answered as she turned on her heel and walked out the door, into the hallway.

Lily quickly walked down the stairs after making sure that no one had followed her out of the living room. Now that she was alone, the panic she had felt in the busy room upstairs disappeared, but the urge she had had outside to do something had not. Lily lit her wand and raised it so she could look around the basement.

A large pile in the middle of the room blocked her view of the other side. Lily started to inspect it and sorting it into piles. Unfortunately, it was the type of work that kept Lily’s hands busy but not her mind, which was left to wander.

Lily worked at sorting the pile for over an hour. In that time she had had to stop every ten minutes or so as her thoughts strayed too far and she started crying again. It took her an enormous amount of self-control and plenty of deep breaths to calm herself down and concentrate on what she was doing.

Eventually, the remnants of her home were divided into smaller piles so that it was easier for her to find things. Lily stood up and surveyed her work; in doing so she noticed a lumpy sheet of material by the wall behind her that she hadn’t seen while working in the semi-darkness.

Her breath caught in her throat. Without thinking about it, Lily took slow silent steps towards it and knelt down by the end. She stayed there, silent, while her mind debated whether or not to pull back the sheet. Neither side had convinced her, yet she raised her shaking arm and, in one swift motion, had pulled back the white sheet to reveal what was underneath.

No doubt Dumbledore had closed his eyes before sending him to the basement. Dust from the ruins of the falling down house had settled in his dark hair, which would have made look him thirty years older if there had been wrinkles to match. Lily stared down into the blank face of her husband and the aching pain that had been ever present in her chest since the previous evening seemed to increase in intensity. For what felt like the millionth time in twenty-four hours, tears began to run down Lily’s cheeks.

Only this time, they didn’t stop.

The tears kept coming, and Lily didn’t have the power to stop them herself. The numbness of the past few hours fell away at the realisation that James truly was never going to speak to her again and this knowledge left nothing but a gaping hole in Lily’s chest where her heart used to be.
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Last edited by gelowo93; October 9th, 2010 at 3:37 pm.
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