View Single Post
Old September 2nd, 2007, 1:10 pm
true_heir_of_slyth  Female.gif true_heir_of_slyth is offline
Sixth Year
Join Date: 27th May 2003
Location: Gazing on a Waterloo sunset
Age: 32
Posts: 1,301
Re: Voyages With Vampires: The New Bestseller by Gilderoy Lockhart

1.5% of the profits raised by this book will be sent to Second Bite, the rehabilitation programme for vampires.

* * *

Author’s Notes

I, Gilderoy Lockhart, verify that all the events herein described are nothing less than entirely true. Where appropriate, the names of actual persons or places depicted have been changed so as to protect their identities.

I am very proud to support the fine work of Second Bite. For further information about this foundation, contact them directly – mention my name in any correspondence to receive a free ‘Fangs For The Memories, Gilderoy!’ t-shirt!*

*conditions apply

* * *

Voyages with Vampires


It was the summer of 1992, when, fresh from my adventures in Ougadogou, I returned to London for a brief sojourn. My respite, I fear, was short-lived. I had scarcely had time to shake the last of the palm leaves from my suitcase and clean the worst of the bloodstains from my robes when I received a letter, written in a desperate hand, from the mayor of Oojikavik, a small town in the very heart of Transylvania.

My dear Mr. Lockhart,—

- it ran -

— we have heard tell of your exploits, which are now famous even here in our humble town of Oojikavik. Your bravery, your calm in the face of danger and, of course, your winning smile are all legend here.

Now, Mr. Lockhart, we beseech you – nay, implore you – to come to our aid. Our town has these past two years played host to a fearsome band of renegade vampires from the mountains. Five of our country’s finest vampire hunters have been killed in their valiant attempts to capture them. Now we turn to you on bended knee, to beg your assistance in this matter. Mr. Lockhart, you are our only hope. Please send word as soon as you can of the expected date of your arrival.

We eagerly await your reply,

Dmitri Usgavoy, Mayor of Oojikavik

I realised in an instant that the needs of these poor, beleaguered people were far greater than my own. I cancelled my arranged dinner with the Minister of Magic, which we had intended to use to discuss improvements to goblin rights, and instead spent the evening deep in study of vampirism, attempting to prepare myself mentally for the great task that lay ahead.

I had only encountered a vampire once before, in the winter of 1978. That time, it had only been my quick thinking and, I confess, more than a sprinkling of good luck, which had saved me from becoming yet another statistic. I thought back to that night, to the daring moonlight dash across rooftops, the flash of teeth, the swish of eveningwear, the near misses and my eventual entrapment of the murderous vampire at the third hole of a crazy-golf course, and vowed that I would not be found so unprepared this time.

As dawn broke the next morning, I finished my reply to the Mayor of Oojikavik, my candle all but burnt out, my eyes as heavy as my heart as I thought of the plight of the unfortunate Transylvanians, and sent it immediately. Extinguishing the light, I stumbled into my bed, and tried to gather my strength for the coming journey.

(It was the summer of 1992, and Gilderoy Lockhart, fresh from his disastrous stint as the face of Professor Hedge’s Miracle Hair-Gro Tonic and penniless after losing all of his money on a misplaced bet on the outcome of the Annual Gobstones Championship, arrived in London with a bag containing one relatively clean set of robes and a tube of toothpaste, intending to lie low for a while, until his creditors stopped sending trolls to repossess his belongings.

Pulling his hat down lower over his eyes and hunching his shoulders to make himself appear small and inconspicuous, he attracted more stares than he would have done if he had simply dispensed with it completely. Lockhart, of course, didn’t notice, because the wide brim of his pointed hat impeded his vision somewhat. After a couple of false starts, he made it into one of the less reputable pubs in Diagon Alley, frequented by people whose shady histories could fill volumes. And there he remained for three days, occasionally being bought drinks by those drunk enough to take pity on him, until he saw the grubby advert pinned to the door of the men’s toilet.


Transylvania, thought Lockhart to himself in a hazy sort of way after managing to focus for long enough to read the advert. Transylvania was a very long way away. Far enough away, perhaps, to escape his creditors. True, he knew nothing whatsoever about vampires, had never even met one, unless you counted the waiter who had chased Lockhart halfway across London and onto a crazy-golf course when he had tried to leave the restaurant without paying the bill. Lockhart had finally given him the slip by pinning the back of the waiter’s tuxedo to the arms of a miniature windmill on the third hole and running away. Surely there was very little else one needed to know about vampires – the only possible drawback was that these vampires would speak Romanian, which might make outwitting them trickier. He didn’t have a net, but he was bound to be able to make up for what he lacked in mesh with charm. And he would have to place a very low value on his life indeed to remain in London, anywhere in England, with troll patrols ready to claim limbs in lieu of the money he owed. By comparison, vampire hunting in Transylvania sounded a doddle.

He scrawled a brief CV on the back of a cigarette packet, elaborating on his experience with the vampiric waiter rather more than was necessary, and fell asleep half an hour later with his head in an ashtray.)

* * *

Fan mail, feedback, marriage proposals and autograph requests (please send S.A.E) should be sent to this address.


The New Bestseller - Available Now at Flourish and Blotts!
(for fan mail, feedback, hair-care tips and marriage proposals, please click here)

One of the COS Authorteers - Barbara Kennedy, emikkime, Guardian Angel, Miri, thethirdman, leenielou, Kate Johnson, Prosperine, Lady DeMimsy and Amina, along with Potter_fan, Jessie and Captain Pookers.

Last edited by true_heir_of_slyth; September 4th, 2007 at 12:54 am.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links