Ask Snape - The Game

[JohanT]

Mr. Argus Squib Filch,

You thought...that I'd like to know... I do wonder whether you have ears, Mr. Filch. Or eyes for that matter. Do I look and/or sound like I want to know? No. In fact, I am just going to skip to it and assume that you do not have gray matter inside of your skull, as it has been replaced with white matter, with hints of gray matter on the inside. In other words, you are a bonehead. You do not know what I am saying, hmm? Look it up in a muggle Anatomy and Physiology textbook. Maybe you can study up to become a neurosurgeon, and be of some use to human society. Psh, "McManson". What an un-Slytherin like name! She is Hufflepuff, Filch. I don't appreciate being mailed just because you are lonely! Go cuddle with Mrs. Norris. As she cannot speak, her words will not hurt you.

Professor Severus "Snappy-pants" Snape
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To Good Ol' Severus

You lie!

Albus Percival Wulfric Bria..bri...
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________________

To Snapouchku,

But would you not be interested in purchasing ugly shoes to replace your own ugly shoes? A nice change in foot wear scenery is in order, dearest! Impress your friends with your moon-walking abilities, as these shoes slide magestically on laminate and marble surfaces!

Dorothy

P.S. I have enclosed here a form to be signed by one Albus Dumbledore, for purchase of burgundy flip flops.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dorothy,

I do not wish to purchase any shoes whatever from you, ugly or otherwise. Leave me alone and go play in a windstorm.

Have a day.

S. Snape

PS- I did forward the order form to Dumbledore, as he has the eccentic taste in footwear that you seem to cater to.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++

Albus,

Oh come off it, I'm not going anywhere. I wish people would just quit harrassing me.

Severus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Sir,

I haven't been staying at Spinner's End much, since the...um..episode with the glitter, but I thought you should know that you may want to drop by there, as I've been hearing a few rumors of a little trouble happening over there. It could be nothing, or it could be something....you never know.

By the way, do you ever talk to Aberforth Dumbledore? And if so, has he mentioned any of his goats going missing? I have been taking care of this white angora goat that just showed up last week. God, I hope Abe's not at it again, this goat can almost talk! Instead of going "Bahhhhh Bahhhh" like all the other goats I've seen, this one goes, well honestly Sir, don't think I'm making this up, but this one sounds almost like he's going "Luuuucious"!

Just thought you'd like to know.


Grimmy

[JohanT]

Grimmy,

As it is Spinner's End, and I am a wizard living in a wizard world, it can only ever be "something", and never "nothing". I am guessing that more glitter has found its way into my humble residence? And it is pink in color, no less? *sigh*. Do you see that? I am so frustrated that a simple verbal sigh was not enough to convey my feelings. It had to be written for it to truly show how utterly exhausted I am with the weekly onslaught of baffoons coming at me.

And no, I have never spoken with Aberforth Dumbledore, except for those times when I venture into the Hog's Head for some Butterbeer (a childish drink, you say? Well, Firewhisky does not do well for my stomach, so I have no choice).

And at the moment, the Firewhisky is nothing compared to whatever stomach troubles I am experiencing now. "Lucious", you say? I certainly hope you are speaking of Lucius Malfoy, and did not accidentally forget the letter "s" before the "c". Well, I suppose "luscious" would make sense. Aberforth is no doubt short on compliments. It is most likely "Lucius", though. Ha, I should have known Abe D would have pulled a fast one like that. Everyone knows that Lucius is terrified of goats. Trust me, I would know. The Dark Lord had a field day with that piece of gossip.

Severus Snape

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Snape,

The correct term is tornado.

Dorothy and her faithful Todo

P.S. The Wicked Witch also sends her regards. She wants to know how you get your hair into such a sleek, untidily tidy position. She says that it is absolutely horrendous, and wants to know your secrets, so that she too can look as disgusting as you.

(By the way, Grimelda, I'm not mocking your spelling of "Lucious" . I just wanted to make a joke out of the other potential spelling )

[sparrowinwinter]

Dorothy,

I believe I have the right to use whatever word I please. And do tell that Wicked Witch of yours that I know a particularly nasty potion (well a few actually) that will have a most unfortunate effect on whoever swallows it and I might accidentally ah...slip some into her morning drink if she doesn't let me be. And the same goes for you.

I hope never to hear from you again.

Severus Snape

_________________________________________

Prof. S. Snape

Hello! I'm writing to ask for your opinion. I hear you're very gifted at potions. You see, my Potions teacher is a complete idiot and I can't seem to convince him that it's best if you squash the bullfrog thumbs rather than chop them if you want to obtain a good Memory potion. I have enclosed a sample of my potion (made with squashed thumbs) and one of his potion (made with chopped thumbs). I would appreciate if you looked at them and gave your opinion on which is better. He might just believe it if it comes from you.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Sparrow

[JohanT]

Hello Sparrow,

I am writing on behalf of Professor Snape, who did not read the contents of your letter in its entirety, and unwisely ingested the memory potion, in what was no doubt a drunken stupor. It appears as though dear Severus got a little too comfortable at the Leaky Cauldron, and when he was kicked out after drinking all of the Butterbear, why, I suppose he couldn't resist downing whatever liquid came his way. He does not know his identity at the moment, so I am going to have a little fun here. I had to gamble with Tom Riddle to get this opportunity. A game of poker, you see. Riddle has a terrible stone face, he kept giggling, so naturally, I was able to pull a victory. Riddle was of the mind that he could make Snape believe he was a pretty little ballerina. My ideas are much more noble, and in Snape's best interest, of course. He will be, for a day, Harry Potter's personal tourguide .

Yours truly,

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchraft and Wizardry, and Miracle Worker who made Severus Snape a Generous and Loving Human Being

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Severus, for that is your name,

Dumbledore is lying. You are a blonde haired, black eyed, 5 foot 8 inch ballerina who goes by the name of Svetlana. Burn after reading.

Sincerely,
Anonymous, who should have won the poker game, but was cheated out of it because a certain Headmaster kept tickling his foot under the stupid table...

[sparrowinwinter]

Oh hello Albus Dumbledore.

That must have been quite a sight. No matter. Would you please make sure Prof. Snape gets the samples I have enclosed into this letter and reads my initial letter when he is himself again? I would appreciate that a lot.

Sparrow

PS. Since you are the Headmaster of Hogwarts...I was wondering if it would be possible for me to transfer from this good-for-nothing school I'm presently studying at to Hogwarts.

_______________________________

Anonymous person who is ticklish,

I believe my name is Severus Snape and I'm a Potions master at Hogwarts. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to think of ways to get back to Potter for the day I spent being his tourguide. And just for the record, never try to beat the Headmaster at anything. It just won't work, except perhaps if it's a "Who is stupider" competition.

S. Snape

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sir,

After consulting several other Animal Healing Professionals, we are all stumped about this darn goat. Albus Dumbledore was even gracious enough to volunteer to come over and try to transfigure it back to whoever it is, but at the mention of his name, the goat gave a loud bleat, sprouted wings, and flew out the window to parts unknown.


Sincerely,

Grimmy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++
Severus,

Once again I am writing to you with the same old question: "Have you seen Lucius?"

He left the manor in a huff the other day after an arguement with Draco, who called him an out of touch old goat. You know how sensitive Lucius is about getting older, even though we all know it sure beats the alternative. Especially in light of certain events.

Speaking of those events, I don't think we'll ever get that room where the Dark Lord was staying clean enough to use for anything again. The house elves refuse to go in there, and I confess, I don't want to go in there myself! Draco innocently suggested we call in someone from the Ministry, and that's how the argument started. We may have to just seal it up, it smells like old cabbages in there!

Sincerely,

Narcissa

[Pokota]

Narcissa,

Might I suggest inviting a serial arsonist to stay for a few weeks? I'm sure the insurance would cover it if it wasn't directly your fault... Other than that, I'm sorry to say I have no ideas as to how to get rid of the Voldemort smell.

~Severus S.

----------

Grimmy,

I am sorry to hear that such a thing happened, although I am not at all sorry to hear that our mysterious transfigured person has vanished again.

Although the wings bit does bother me. Do keep me informed.

~S.Snape

[merrymarge]

Severus,
I talked with Sybil Trelawney and she gave me some of her incense to use. That should take away the smells.
And I think Lucius has finally left me. He has threatened to walk out on me before, so I won't be surprised if he finally did leave. He was going to take a long break away from everything.
Narcissa
__________________________________________________ __________
Sparrow,
if you wish to enroll in Hogwarts, I would need to see your current school's transcripts. Then I would have to call on our Board of Governors to have them meet with you. Finally after they meet and talk with you, they would vote on whether or not to accept you. In the meantime, come by our open house this Saturday and you can meet the other professors and talk with some of the students to see if you would fit in. The whole process shouldn't take more than a day or two.
Saturday, March 3, at say, 10:00 a.m? I hope this will be o.k for you. I will call the school governors together later that day to speed up the process.
Albus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Howler sent to Severus Snape:

Severasss! You've got to help meeeeeeee! I was walking around the grounds of the maaaa-nor laaast night and some craaaazy green woman jumped from behind the hedge and turned me into a....well you probably know. I am in the shrieking shaaack! Please be quiiick!

These old drapes look delicious.

Lucius Malll-foy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Narcissa,

I don't think he's left you, not on purpose anyway. I'll be getting back to you.

Severus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Sir,

There's real trouble afoot, or awing I should say. I have had word that Spinner's End has been taken over by flying monkeys!

That is ridiculous, I know. This isn't Oz!

Do you think we've hit another dimensional glitch? I sure hope not!

Grimmy

[merrymarge]

Grimmy,
It's possible that we have another dimensional glitch. We never found the original ribbon, only prototypes.
The flying monkeys are from a person named Dorothy who wants me to buy some cheap-looking ruby slippers from her.
Professor Snape
__________________________________________________ _____________________________
Severus,
It will be o.k. with me if Lucius never comes back home. The way he has been carrying on lately, he can stay away. Draco and I won't miss him, much (sniff, sniff).
Narcissa
__________________________________________________ _________________________
Draco darling,
Daddy's gone missing. He might have decided to move out permanently. Or maybe, your old Professor Mad-Eye Moody turned him into a flying goat. Though why Mad-Eye would do this to Lucius is beyond me.
Mummy Dearest

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

Thanks to the efforts of you and Albus Dumbledore, Lucius is now home and more or less back to normal. He still maintains his story about the green woman who did this to him. I have never heard such nonsense in my life!

Meanwhile, we finally, with help of believe it or not, Arthur Weasley, we have finally sucessfully fumigated that room. He brought over this Muggle potion called Febreeze, and it really did the trick! Who knew that Muggles are so adept at potion making?

After much debate, we have finally decided to turn that room into a private movie theater. Arthur says that many rich Muggles have these, and so we decided, why should they have something we do not? We have all the equipment, modified to run on magic, and even a quaint little popcorn machine! We do love movies, and have you seen the prices for a movie ticket these days? We'd go broke in hurry if we went that route!

Anyway, we were going to watch an old one tonight, Gone With the Wind it's called. Would you care to join us tonight for dinner and a movie? I understand this movie is quite long, you could stay the night if you like.


Narcissa

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Dear Professor Snape,

Several days ago, a freak cyclone erupted in a library, doing no structural damage and hurting no one, but several novels were involved, and the characters were "thrown to the winds" in a manner of speaking, and have ended up in the wrong books, causing a very rare phenomenon I call "Literary Fusion" in layman's terms. This problem is easy to fix, if the authors are still alive, they simply write the characters back into their correct respective novels. The authors that have passed on though, are a problem and we may have to employ ghost writers, which must be approved by the deceased author's estate, so some of them might take a while, I am working on this. You can assist me by enquiring if any characters from your universe have suddenly gone missing and if so, informing me immediately. Also, if there are characters that seem out of place in your own world, please notify me immediately.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation,

I. M. Peabody
Bureau of Literary Glitches
Baker Street, London

[sparrowinwinter]

Narcissa,

What a lovely offer. I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline. You see I've got a few things I'd rather finish before Albus returns from his trip.

Severus

_____________________________

Mr. Peabody

No...to my knowledge, no one is missing. No one I'd care to bring back anyway. *lips curling into the most Snape-ish sneer you can imagine*

S.Snape
_________________

Prof. Snape

I have caught a very bad cold and I will not be able to finish my homework for Thursday. Could I be excused?

Elbenijah Syrus

[JohanT]

Mr./Mrs. Elbinijah Syrus (your gender is ambiguous to me),

This is my answer in response to your inquiry about excusing you from homework. No.

Awaiting your poorly written Draught of Living Death analysis on Thursday,

Professor Snape

__________________________________________________ _____________________

Sevuruus Snaplie,
Heey, thanx fer gettin me outtu that little goat issue, man! Oh, and I keep on tellin the wife that I saw a green lady hangin around. HAHA, nah, you know the only green thing I saw? The "green fairy"! Hehe, I guess I got a little too cozy during Happy Hour. Shame on meeee! I didn't even remember that. I guess those muggle psychologi-whatsits were right. People remember things they experienced when they were drunk only when they are drunk again! So I'm remembering it right...now. Anyways, I'm just writing to say hi. Oh, and tell the Lordy that I am quittin!

Luzius Malfouay

(P.S. I'm wearing Draco's lederhosen ^_^)

[sparrowinwinter]

Lucius,

If I were to have it my way...you'd still be a goat. I find you slightly less annoying when you can't talk. But Albus made me brew that potion for you...

I honestly don't care what green thing you saw, unless it was the Avada Kedavra curse.

Yours sincerely,
Severus

ps. I would gladly tell him that you quit but the most unfortunate thing has happened. He died.

___________________________

Prof. Snape

I'm a Mr. sir and Professor, sir, I really c-c-can't h-h-han-nd it in on Thursday. P-please don't f-fail m-me sir o-or my d-d-dad will k-k-ill m-me. He s-said th-that if I f-fail Potions again h-he won't buy me a n-new b-broom.

Elbenijah Syrus.

[JohanT]

The newly designated Mr. Elbenijah Syrus,

I do not recall having heard of any incidents in which death was spawned by the lack of a new broom.

Wishing you a ghastly day, to match your ghastly wails,

Professor Snape
__________________________________________________ ______________________

Severus,
I am so terribly sorry to have written to you in such a state. I am truly embarrassed, do find it in your grease stained heart to forgive me. I have shamed even the goats with my antics. I am not even worthy to scrape hooves with them! Nor am I an adequate contender to clean their ears of bugs and Aberforth's beard hair!

Now that the more important matters have been addressed...The Dark Lord is...dead, you say? How can that be? I saw him merely a minute ago. Severus, as an old friend, and a longtime member of The Dark Arts: Method to the Madness club in my days at Hogwarts, I will tell you that you should never put it past the Dark Lord to play games with his devoted servants. As a leader, it is his duty to keep us all on our toes, and enable us to be ready for anything! Therefore, do not be surprised if you find caterpillars stuffed under your sheets, or if you arrive to see that your array of beautifully labeled potions books were replaced with novels detailing Muggle bathroom humor.

Sincerely,
Lucius Malfoy

P.S. The Dark Lord approved the lederhosen. It is now the new signature outfit of the Death Eaters! I am sending you your pair in a package attached to this letter. Wear them well.

( In case people don't know, the "green fairy" reference was to Absinthe lol)

[merrymarge]

Lucius,
You should report to St. Mungo's due to the nature of your accident, in which you were turned into an old goat. Nothing wrong with spending a few days there to make sure that you are back to your old self.
And no, Lederhosen would not look good on me. I will send them back. As to the Dark Lord, well, let's just say he and Mr. Harry Potter had the duel of the century and Harry won. The Dark Lord is no more, nor is your sister-in-law, Bellatrix. Narcissa was beside herself for at least a week, but Andromeda managed to cheer her up finally. Really, Lucius, a week at St. Mungo's will do you a world of good.
If you refuse to go on your own, I am afraid someone from the hospital will pick you up and you don't want that. You might end up with sharing a room with Gilderoy Lockhart.
Severus
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Prof. Snape,
Sniff, sniff, I just can't do my homework, I am so terribly ill. I am now in the hospital wing under Madam Pomfrey's care. Please take pity on a poor sick lad.
Elbenijah Syrus

[sparrowinwinter]

Mr. Syrus,

For the last time: your homework is due on Thursday. I do not care is a giant five-footed ladybug eats you, I'm expecting your essay on my desk. If you do not stop bothering me with your stupid complaints, you'll get a detention as well. With that said, 50 points will be taken from Hufflepuff for your insufferable wails.

Professor S. Snape

________________________________

Severus,

The Giant Huterogan Seeds you've asked for are ready. You may come and pick them up at any time.

Pomona Sprout

[merrymarge]

Severus,
you really will have to excuse Mr. Syrus from his homework. The lad is suffering from pneumonia right now and it will not help if you yell at him and call him names. Taking points from his house is really going a bit to far. I have complained to the Governors about the castle being too cold for the students, but without success. I am surprised that more students haven't been down with the 'flu or pneumonia before this, but it's really thanks to my pepper-upper potion that keeps them well, I guess.
While I know homework is important to our students, if someone is ill they need to be excused.
Madam Pomfrey
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Pomona,
I'll be by for the seeds soon. Thank you for helping me obtain them.
Severus

[sparrowinwinter]

Madam Pompfrey,

I stand by what I have said before. I do not care how sick he is, his essay was due two days ago. He has not handed it in so he will receive 0 marks and 5 more points will be taken from Hufflepuff. Do wish him a quick recovery. *lips curling into a perfect smirk*

Severus

_______________________________

Severus,

I hear Pomona has procured the Giant Huterogan Seeds for you. Please hurry and make that Anti-Migraine potion for me. Thank you.

Albus