Ask Snape - The Game

[merrymarge]

Albus,
The Anti-Migraine potion will take a few days for brewing to proper strength. In the meantime, I suggest you have yourself a nice hot cup of tea with a shot of firewhiskey. This is called a "Muggle Hot Toddy". It should do wonders for your migraine and any other aches and pains that you might have. My father loved to brew this "potion" as often as he could. Naturally, my mum would argue with him...
Severus
__________________________________________________ _______________
Severus,
Really!! I have filed a complaint about your treatment of young Mr. Syrus. Taking points from him, giving him detention, the poor boy is positively ILL! Professor Slughorn would not have behaved in this fashion, no, not at all. I do wish you would follow in his footsteps in how to handle the children. Blah, Blah, Blah, and another thing, blah, blah, blah, so there! Humph, I guess I told you a thing or two, and now I must get back to my patient.
Madam Pomfrey

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

I have had an irate letter from Madame Pomfrey, accusing you of gross mistreatment of a student, one Mr. Syrus of Hufflepuff. I have visited the boy myself this morning, and he is indeed very ill, and may be transferred to St. Mungo's if no improvment in his condition is made by tomorrow.

Really, Severus, have you no mercy? I am appalled at your lack of empathy. I also think it would be in your own best interest if you saw someone, you know, what the Muggles call a psychiatrist, to help you get to the bottom of all these negative feelings and behaviors. Fortunately, there is such a person, a Wizarding practicioner of Psychiatry, who has recently opened a practice in Hogsmead, a Dr. Ima Knutt. I have taken the liberty of making an appointment for you, for Tuesday at 4:00 pm. Be there. This is a directive from me.

Albus

PS- That remedy you suggested worked. No more migraine!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Madame Pomfrey,

I do not care who you report me to! To go back on my word would make me appear weak in the eyes of the students, and I cannot have that! You cannot mollycoddle these brats, then you will lose control of them!

Good day to you.

S. Snape

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Office for the Maintainance of the Statute of Secrecy
Bureau of Magical Law Enforcement
Ministry of Magic, London

This is to inform you, Severus Snape, that you are charged with 20 counts of violation of the Staute of Secrecy concerning 20 flying monkeys counted flying in the vicinity of your property located in Spinner's End.

You are required to appear before the Wizengamot on March 15 to answer to these charges.

Have a pleasant day,

Whirley DeVesh
Investigating Officer

[merrymarge]

Dear Mr. DeVesh,
I am not responsible for any flying monkeys in or around my estate, Spinner's End. I don't care for these types of creatures, so go talk to Dorothy, a muggle who wanted me to buy new shoes.
And no, I will not appear before the Wizengamot.
Severus Snape
__________________________________________________ _____________________
Albus,
I will not be going to see Ima Knutt. I don't think it is necessary. I like to take care of discipline for my students myself without calling on others.

Glad the "hot toddy" worked for you. Imagine Muggles knowing something about medicine.
I guess my mother was wrong then about my father.
Do you still have that ring that brought back dead people? I would like to use it to see if I could contact my mother and talk to her again (sigh). I miss her.
Severus

[sparrowinwinter]

Severus,

I would like a word with you about one of the students in your house as soon as possible.

Minerva

[GrimeldaDursley]

Minerva,

Now what has one of my students supposedly done?!?!?

Severus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Professor Snape,

I was just writing to tell you that I have passed all of my OWLS and NEWTS with flying colors, as I expected would happen. Therefore, I am proud [ but by no means surprised ] to say that I am the youngest graduate of Hogwarts in 500 years. I will begin pursuing more advanced studies in the Department of Mysteries after a brief return home to Possum Holler. I daresay, with me at the Department of Mysteries, many, if not all things there will not be "mysteries" for long!

Thank you for being my teacher, though you couldn't teach me anything I didn't know already. You were very patient with me, or at least as patient as you are capable of, which wasn't much, in my honest opinion.

By the way, there was a rumor going around the school that I was the first Muggleborn in centuries to be sorted into Slytherin. That was a lie, just because I am an orphan, does not mean my parents were not magical. The things people assume! I can assure you and anybody else that I am of the purest Wizarding stock! Just go to the Hall of Records in Possum Holler and you can see for yourself. Though it's really neither here or there, as I am superior in every way, Pureblood or not!

I will not miss Hogwarts, as it seems to have been a total waste of my time, and of the teachers' time also.

Sincerely,

Virtuous Peartree, Genius Extraordinaire

PS- I think I can give you some pointers on improving the effectiveness of your teaching methods, if you are interested.

[sparrowinwinter]

Mr. Virtuous

If I remember correctly, you are the idiot who couldn't get the Draught of the Living Death right whatsoever. They hired you at the Ministry? I feel sick to think how low our Ministry has sunk. By 'graduated' you mean kicked out and by 'flying colors' you mean the bribe your father offered after you were kicked out so that you will be given OWL and NEWTS certificates? Oh yes, I know about your newly found father and I'm only too well aware of his social status.

A waste of the teacher's time it was indeed.

Unless you have come up with a method to get anything past thick skulls like yours, I'm afraid my teaching methods leave no room for improvement.

Professor S. Snape

__________________________

Severus,

It's that Kimberly boy again! He has petrified one of my first year students and crammed him into one of the armors. It was three days before Peeves found him while hiding in there to scars someone. Poor child was barely alive. I demand you expel that boy now! He has gone too far this time Severus, too far!

Minerva

[merrymarge]

Minerrva, I can understand why you want Mr. Kimberly expelled. But, in this day and age, we have to be carefull about whom we expel. If we expel every student who plays a prank we would have no students left. I shall take 100 points from Slytherin for this.
Severus
__________________________________________________ ___________________________
(my apologies for the late reply, I have had difficuties coming up with a proper response).

Albus, should we expel students for playing a practical joke on someone?
Severus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

It would depend on the severity of the joke, and if the perpetrator of said joke showed remorse for his or her actions. The final word would be up to me, of course.

Albus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++

Severus Snape/or Current Occupant:

Troubled by Wrackspurts? Nargles ruining your life? We can fix that!

Send 40 Galleons, 5 Sickles, and 17 Knuts for Exclusive Information on how to rid your life of these annoying pests.

X's X-treme Magical Pest Control Service

[sparrowinwinter]

Albus,

Hasn't Minerva told you? It is about Mr. Kimberly. He has petrified one of her students and crammed him into an armor. I do not know what to do with this boy, Albus. You know who his parents are...

Severus.

_____________________________________

Mr. X

Why do I even bother replying to such owls? *sigh* I do not care about your Nargles and Wrackspurts. Let me be.

Severus Snape

[merrymarge]

Professor Snape Sir,
if you are troubled with Wrackspurts and Nargles, I can help you get rid of them for free.
Luna Lovegood
__________________________________________________ ________
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kimberly,
I am sorry to say that we are hereby expelling your son, J. Kimberly. His latest prank was beyond the usual pranks that have ocassionally plague our lovely school. He petrified one of our first year students and stuffed him into a suit of armour where he was found three days later. That sort of prank is not acceptable. The student in question almost died. We do not allow students to harm one another.
We have also informed the Ministry of Magic of what took place. They will be sending someone round to snap your son's wand. This is very unfortunate, especially since we have repeatedly taken steps to make sure he understood those types of pranks will not be tolerated.
Yours Truly,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

[sparrowinwinter]

Miss Lovegood,

I thought I told you to stop bothering me with such nonsense. There are no such things as Nargles or Wrackspruts. Fifty points will be taken from Ravenclaw.

S. Snape

_________________________

Professor Snape

I heard you are a terrific dancer. I wish to invite you to perform at the annual "Twinkle toes" festival. Please send your reply as soon as possible.

Aphreaselah Grey

[merrymarge]

Aprhreaselah Grey,
No, No, No, a thousand times NO! I will not perform at your "Twinkle toes" festival. How ever, I do know of someone else who would love to dance. His name is Ronald Weasley. Send him an invite and I daresay he will jump at the chance to dance.
Professor, Not Dancer, Snape

Professor Snape, Sir
you have not mentioned that I stop bothering you about Nargles and Wrackspurts and, yes, they do exist, my father says so. Are you going to argue with the Editor of the Quibbler? Which is a very fine magazine, by the way. You should read it and broaden your mind.
Luna Lovegood

Severus,
I heard that you wanted to "broaden your mind?" I suggest that you visit one of my Divination Classes and it will open your mind to knowledge beyond the beyond! New classes will be starting soon, do drop in. I am looking forward to seeing you. And please don't take notes. That distracts me.
Sybill Trelawney

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sybill,

What does not distract you, if I may make so bold to ask? My mind is broad enough, thank you.

Severus Snape

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++

Severus,

There will be an emergency staff meeting tonight at 8 pm in my office. Please reschedule any detentions you may have during this time frame. Unfortunately, once again, we have a slight crisis on our hands.

Albus

[merrymarge]

Albus,
What is going on? I just received an owl that there is an emergency staff meeting. I hope no one has died.
Minerva
__________________________________________________ _________________
Albus,
Received your owl. You can count on me to show up for the meeting.
Filius Flitwick
__________________________________________________ ________________
Professor Dumbledore,
I heard about the meeting. Also, members of the Ministry will be attending.
Hermione
__________________________________________________ ____________________
Albus,
Everyone is going to show up for the staff meeting. It's about the Kimberly boy isn't it?
Severus

[merrymarge]

could we start a new line of questions? I am really stumped on how to continue this thread.

[sparrowinwinter]

Severus,

Yes, it is about Mr. Kimberly. Make sure you are there. Also, don't forget to bring me that pair of socks you owe me... remember our little bet...?

Albus.


There, now answer for Snape, and we can go from there.

[Pokota]

Albus,

It would seem that the fumes from this morning's class on forgetfulness potions has fogged my memory. Please refresh it as to why it is that Mr. Kimberly requires an entire staff meeting about him when I have already punished him with detentions and point penalties.

As for the bet, the terms will be fulfilled. To the letter.

~Severus.

----

Professor Severus Snape;

We have noticed that you have been irritable, depressed, and quite honestly unpleasant to be around for quite a long while. Might we interest you in visiting the new Lovegood Psychiatric Clinic at St. Mungo's?

Healer Smethwyck

[sparrowinwinter]

Severus,

He has stuffed a Gryffindor first year into one of the armors, after petrifying him. He was found three days later, barely alive. Really Severus, you have got to take a break. It has been 20 years since you have taken one. Go and rest Severus, it's taking its toll on you. I will find a substitute Potions teacher until you return.

Ah, I've always loved that you are a man of your word.

Albus.

____________________________________________-

Mr. Smethwyk,

I do not require your services. I am perfectly fine, and I would be even better if I wouldn't be constantly bothered with cheap nonsense, such as this.

S. Snape.

[Sinistra_Furze]

Albus,

No thank you. I seem to recall you complaining about a massive doxy infestation last time you mentioned the “cosy country cottage”. Hardly a restful retreat for an overworked Professor.

However, if you could find a way to obtaining a Portkey to Orvieto there is a Potioneers Conference sponsored by Ffizzer and Rochet Potion Products this weekend. Having your Potions Professor attend such a prestigious event would surely look impressive on the School prospectus at a time of falling rolls.

Severus

--- --- ---

Mr Snape

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[merrymarge]

to the CharmHouse International person,
I do Not want to change jobs. Go away before I hex you. and take your annoying pink advertisement with you.
Professor Severus Snape, Esq.

Albus,
Can you imagine, I had some hideous advertisement from a CharmsHouse International company.
There ought to be a law against this type of advertisement.
Severus

Severus,
I have found a substitute teacher for you. Harry Potter has agreed to fill in for you while you are away. Even though he has been busy working with Kingsley Shacklebolt, Harry has agreed to step in for you.
He really has learned a lot from you, Severus, you should be proud.
Albus