Ask Snape - The Game

[snaperunner]

Miss Purvis,
I suggest you leave the Muggles and that intra-net of theirs alone and focus on the wizarding world and your studies. Before you get re-sorted into Hufflepuff. There is always a first time, you know

Prof.S.Snape


Howler
Severus,
You have done it this time!
No flowers.
Late for tea.
Missing Madame Puddifoots.
I am sorely dissapointed in you.
Mother

[GrimeldaDursley]

But Mum,

I didn't want to go!

And I did send you flowers! A nice hanging basket of them! Of violets, which you always loved! So you didn't receive them? I will check into this at once! And I I truly forgot about tea, I am sorry, Mum! Why don't you come and stay with me for a few days? I have some days off coming to me, and we could have a nice visit, just you and me, won't that be nice?

Let me know as soon as you can, and I'll get everything straight with Dumbledore!

Your loving, contrite son,

Sevvy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Sevvykins,

Thank you for the lovely basket of violets! How did you know they were one of my favorites?

You still care!

X's and O's,

Delores

[merrymarge]

Umbridge:
those violets were for my mother, not you!! How dare you take something that doesn't belong to you! Have you no shame, no sense of right and wrong?
Replace them at once or I will....
Outrageous!
Snape

Mum: I found out what happened to your basket of violets. A "toad-faced" person who will remain nameless took them.
come and spend a few days, Mum and I will help you get some really lovely plants from our Greenhouses. Pomona Sprout is a wonderful gardener. She has plants and herbs for just about any potions you can imagine.
Sev

Severus,
I am not just a "gardener" . I am a really fine herbologist. I provide a lot of the needed ingredients for potion classes. If it weren't for me, you would have had to buy a lot of the plants needed.
Madam Spout

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

So dear Eileen is coming for a visit! How wonderful! I remember that she was an excellent student. A little too serious, but an excellent student nonetheless, especially in Potions. You are like her in so many ways. I can't wait to see her again, it is always so nice to see former students.

Albus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++


Dear Son,

I will be arriving tomorrow and will be looking forward to seeing my little baby boy! Your father will not be coming, as you know, he ran off with that chorus girl 20 years ago. Best thing that ever happened to me!

By the way, I met your fiance yesterday. I was in the Leaky Cauldron having lunch and she walked over and introduced herself. Now, sweetie, I don't mean to be critical, and I certainly don't want to interfere in your life unnecessarily. But, honey, what in the world do you see in that woman? She looks like a well, darling, like, oh I'll just say it and get it over with, she's rather toadlike isn't she? Imagine what my grandchildren would look like! But if she makes you happy, then, Son, I suppose I'll be happy!

I will see you tomorrow in Hogsmeade, we can have lunch somewhere and then go up to Hogwarts. That'll be nice, won't it? Maybe at The Three Broomsticks?

Sincerely,

Your loving Mother

[Pokota]

Pomona,

How on Earth did you even manage to read that? I sent the mail directly to my mother using a Hogsmead Station owl, there is no reason you should have known what I said to her.

And I could never thank you enough for being such a great help with our potions ingredients.

~Severus
----
Mother,

The toad-faced woman is not my fiance, she is an escaped patient from the Permanent Damage ward of St. Mungos. She was on the wrong end of a too-powerful confundus charm cast by a student in the name of prankery.

And yes, The Three Broomsticks would be a well enough place for us to meet up.

~Your Severus
----
Severus

Why don't you visit us any more?

~Draco & Astoria Malfoy

[JohanT]

Malfoy & Mrs. Malfoy,

Because you insist on being on a first name basis. >.< Doy!

Snape

__________________________________________________ ______

Severus,

No need to be in denial, sweet child of mine. If you love her, then I love her, by default. Even if I think she is rather amphibian-like, I will still...accept her. Just, make sure she doesn't choose anything green, grey, or brown to wear on the wedding day, alright? I don't want her appearance to be any more obvious than it already is.

Your maternal unit (and soon-to-be grandmother?)

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape:

This owl is to inform you of the unfortunate escape of one of our patients, a Ms. Delores Umbridge. As you may know, at times we take the patients of the Permanent Spell Damage Ward who are not considered a danger to the public out for supervised outings several times a year. Ms. Umbridge apparently eluded her chaperone and walked out of the restaraunt, after creating a clever diversion at the buffet table. We are working nonstop to find Ms. Umbridge and bring her back. If you see or hear from her, please do not hesitate to contact us at once.

She may try to contact you, as she has entertained romantic delusions about you in the past.

Sincerely,

Healer Harkness
St. Mungo's Hospital

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Dear Sweetie,

I met your mother, such a nice woman! She will be a perfect mother-in-law, I think.

Love and Smoochie-poos,

Dee Dee

[merrymarge]

To: St. Mungos Staff: really, you need to do a better job of keeping track of your patients, I am being hounded by one Dolores Umbridge who is under the delusion that I am engaged to her.You need to "capture' her and lock her up for good. If you need assistance, I know of a couple of centaurs who would love nothing more than to round her up for you, Bane and Ronan come to mind. I will contact them if you like.
Professor Snape

Mum,
no, I am not engaged to that Toad-face person. She is an escapee from St. Mungo's Hospital. I sent an owl to them to go after her, and I suggested that they use a couple of centaurs to help.
Sev

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape,

I heard through the hospital grapevine that Delores is after you again. Better you than me! (whoever I am.)

Sincerely,

Gilderoy Lockhart (whoever that is.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Severus,

I couldn't help but notice that during this morning's staff meeting, you kept twisting your hair and pulling it out in chunks! I don't mean to pry, Severus, but is something bothering you?

Albus

[snaperunner]

Lockhart,
Go soak your head, you egotistical popinjay. There,see I've even used three new words for you to figure out.
Snape



Albus,
Sorry,I have been rather distracted. Mother's day was hectic and I'm STILL trying to clean up Longbottom's Potions mess before Mum gets here. You haven't by chance heard from Dolores Umbridge lately, have you?
Prof. S.Snape


My Sweetest Sevvie-Po,
The Dr. says the baby will arrive in early January. Won't it be nice if you and little Sev Jr shared the same birthday? Loved your Mum. Can't wait to be in your arms again!
<3<3
Loves
Dee-Dee

Professor Snape,
Alr you all right ,mate? I got your owl. Bane and Ronan said they will come when the stars are properly aligned. Bloody centaurs. Anyway, I've noticed you seem a little,well,bald. Professor McGonagal said you were crying when you recieved the mail this morning.Said it was a matter of life or death. Well you're welcome to come by for tea if you want to talk about it.
Hagrid

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus Snape
Hogwart's School

Invoice for Goods Received:

One (1) Large round chair cushion : 10 Galleons
Two (2) Sets of Hot Pink Ladies' Everyday Casual Robes ( size extra large, short cut) 2@ 50 Galleons ea.
One (1) Complete Wonder Witch Glowing Radiance Makeup Ensemble with Pink Alligator Hide case: 250 Galleons

Total Billing: 360 Galleons

Barfe & Croake
Purveyors of Excellent Merchandise Since 1841
London


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Albus,

I am leaving the country. Please do me a favor and entertain my mother.

Unless you can think of something better for me to do. I have never been within 10 feet of Delores Umbridge alone in my life!

Severus

[snaperunner]

Messrs Barfe & Croake,
To whom it may concern. I have never ordered these supplies from your company.Although I will gladly pay the cost. It gives me hope.
Prof.S.Snape



Professor Severus Snape
Hogwart's School,
This is to inform you that the escaped patient Dolores Umbridge is still on the loose.We are using every possible means of returning her to St.Mungo's. Just to reassure you after your rather,erm, hysterical owl this morning, the Doctor reviewed Ms.Umbridge's files and-in complete confidence of course- we can say that Ms.Umbridge is in no way pregnant. It may be,as we said in our previous letter, a desperate attempt to get your attention. We will inform you as soon as Ms.Umbridge is restored to St.Mungo's.
Yours
Healer Harkness
St.Mungo's Hospital



Professor Albus Dumbledore,
May I please retract my resignation,sir? I am not leaving the country. Also,sir, I am applying to be allowed to use Unforgivable Curses if necessary to defend myself from that unforgivable toad Umbridge.

Prof.Severus Snape

[Sinistra_Furze]

Prof Snape

A very large package has arrived for you, delivered to the School in a thestral-drawn carriage. The package is pay-on-receipt and the courier refuses to go away until you have paid and signed for it.
There’s a muffled thumping sound coming from inside the parcel, almost as if someone is trying to get out. Would you come to the main entrance to have a look. Try to hurry, thestral droppings take ages to clean from the flagstones.

Argus Filch

--- --- ---

Hagrid

I’ll be there in five minutes. Put the kettle on. I just have to send off an owl to St Mungos; I’ll fly to your hut from the owlery. Don’t let anyone else in! (Unless it's my Mum).

Severus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

Please come to my office immediately. Your mother is here with me, enjoying a cup of restorative tea, courtesy of Madame Pomfrey. It appears that she was waiting for you at the Three Broomsticks, when she was approached by Delores Umbridge. Your mother called her a fraud, and summoned a large cushion from under her robes, well, as you've probably guessed by now, a magnificent cat-fight ensued, and Mundungus Fletcher, who had gotten nearer to cheer your mother on, somehow got his wand kicked out of his hand by somebody, and Delores got it and Imperioused Fletcher, who now thinks he's a duck, and stunned your mother, and conjured a box and sent her to the school in it. Rosemerta saw the whole thing and contacted St. Mungo's. Unfortunately, by the time the Healers arrived, Delores Umbridge had vacated the scene, probably by Disapparition, but the Healers manged to net Mundungus before he attempted to fly from the top of the chapel. Your mother is all right, she thinks she just needs a nap.

Unfortunately, Delores is still at large and now has Mundungus' wand. This is definitely not a good thing, you know. Because of the unauthorized use of an Unforgivable, and the theft of the wand, Rosemerta had no choice but to notify the Auror Department. Mundungus has been transported to St. Mungo's, as apparently she did some other jinx on him, and he has sprouted a large, orange beak. He is expected to make a full recovery.

However, I must ask you not to leave the grounds of the school until Ms. Umbridge is apprehended. I hope this will not inconvenience you too much.

Albus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Dear Snape,

I was looking for my goat and thought I saw her grazing over by the Shrieking Shack, and when I got near the house, a horrifying pink apparition appeared and nearly scared me out of my wits! I think it really is haunted. All I know is it knocked me down and scared my goat away too. Somebody needs to look into this. I always thought it was all just a story to keep people off the property! I won't be going back over there!

Aberforth Dumbledore

[snaperunner]

To the healers at St.Mungo's:
Five minutes ago the enclosed letter came to Hogwarts addressed to Professoe Severus Snape. The other Heads of Houses are endeavoring to talk him out of the broom closet he has barricaded himself in. Please come immediatelyto retrieve your patient. It may be necessary for there to be at least four or five healers at minimum in case Ms.Umbridge proves recalcitrent.
Enclosed:
My Sweetest Sevvie-Poo,
I am here at the Shrieking Shack. Our little love nest is ready and I will be waiting for you.Don't make me come Imperious you.
XOXOXO
(but mostly XXX)
Yours,
Dee

Please come promptly.
Thank You
Albus Dumbledore
Headmaster of Hogwarts



Sev,
I will be all right. Just let Mummy go and I will take care of that AWFUL creature who dares upset my baby's peace of mind.
Love Mum

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sir,

I just saw the craziest thing while in Hogsmeade this morning. This makes all the crazy stuff that happens at Spinner's End look like normal life.

I had decided to walk up to the castle and say hello to you and everyone, and had just got near the the Shrieking Shack when I was stopped by a Centaur, Firenze, , and was told to stay where I was, as there was something going on. Firenze and I hid behind the hedge and watched a bunch of Aurors and Healers from St. Mungo's chasing a woman in hot pink robes all around the shack, spells were flying, it was a regular duel going on! Then, I realized the woman in the pink robes looked familiar, it was Delores Umbridge! There were at least 20 Aurors and St. Mungo's people and she was actually holding her own pretty well for someone so outnumbered! But we could tell she was getting tired, just as they were closing in on her, and this is where it gets even weirder, we heard wings flapping, and Gilderoy Lockhart descended into the fray astride a solid white thestral, yanked Umbridge onto the thestral behind him, and took off into the wild blue yonder! all the Aurors and Healers could do was just stand there flabbergasted as the strange couple and their steed disappeared into the horizon. Then, they all just Disapparated!

Firenze and I decided to go see Hagrid, I need some of his strong tea after seeing this.

Sincerely,

Grimmy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Severus,

There are a couple of Aurors here to see you. Shall I tell them to wait?

Minerva

[merrymarge]

Minerva,
If the aurors are Kingsley and Nymphdora, yes, they can wait for me. Obviously, I shall need their assistance in capturing Umbridge and Lockhart. Umbridge was by the Shrieking Shack when she and Lockhart disapparted while on a White thestral. Personally, I think they were on a unicorn, because thestrals are not white. Not even their babies are white. Albus has to undue the anti-apparition charms around Hogwarts so we can move quickly.
Severus

Professor Albus Dumbledore, sir:
Someone from your school asked for the Centaurs to "help" capture two Humans. We Centaurs are a proud race and we do not "help" Humans in anyway. We are not your servants to do your dirty work and drive away your enemies like obedient hounds.
As of today, the Forbidden Forest is no longer available to students or even Hagrid.
Centaurs of the Forbidden Forest

Grimmy,
After you spend time with Hagrid, come up to Hogwarts and meet my mother. She is recovering from the shock of Dolores Umbridge trying to trap me into marriage. I will not be present for awhile because I have to try and find Ms Umbridge and Prof. Lockhart and return them to St. Mungo's. I think Albus will be available to chat with you unless he is required to help in the hunt for these two wily creatures.
Prof. Severus Snape

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape,

Did you see the Daily Prophet today? A rare albino thestral was stolen from the estate of Romulus Black late last night. As you know, Mr. Black is very rich and rather eccentric, and has a vast collection of exotic animals at his place, which is very close to Hogsmeade. Isn't that a strange coincedence? It's all over the school that Gilderoy Lockhart and Delores Umbridge flew away on one this afternoon!

Since I've been able to see them since my first year anyway, I wouldn't have minded seeing that! Daddy, of course, doesn't believe they exist. He says there's no such animal, and that it is really not a thestral at all, but a rare Equs Flitterbittus. I don't think so.

Sincerely,

Luna Lovegood

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Professor Snape,

How dare you insult the virtue and integrity of such a fine woman! You, Sir, have bewitched her into falling in love with you! For shame, you evil varlet! I am taking her to my castle, and there I will lift this foul enchantement from her, and we shall be married!

You are not invited to the wedding, by the way. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Sincerely,

Sir Gilderoy of Lockhart ( I think but I'm not quite sure.)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++

Dear Son,

I tried to talk the delightful Grimmy into marrying you, but she said, "No, we would kill each other."

Are you really that difficult, dear?

Love,

Mother

[snaperunner]

Miss Lovegood,
I am happy for you knowing of the rare albino thestral. As you may well know I don't care much for anyone named "Black",so pardon me for not paying attention.
Professor S.Snape



Sir Gilderoy,
If by castle you mean the permanent residents tower of St.Mungo's-be my guest. If you are successful in "lifting the enchantment" good for you. I will not attend the wedding if it came on a solid goblin-made gold platter. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Prof.S.Snape (of course)

Mum,
Thankfully there is at least one female in the world with a degree of sense (excepting you, of course).I understand your wanting me to settle down, how could I not with the constant deluge of owls begging me for grandchildren.However the only woman I cared to marry,married someone else and is now,sorrowfully,deceased. If I ever change my mind you will be amongst the first to know.
Your son,
Severus



Son,
You finally did it! All that contrempts over Mother's Day and that Dolores Umbridge woman. You made you Mother cry! Finally, I see my boy become a man. Now if only I could talk you into a decent set of trousers and a factory job, instead of wearing women's dresses and teaching that silly wand waving foolishness at that silly castle. Well,Father's Day is next month and I have reason to hope.
Proudly,
Dad

[merrymarge]

Dad,
Sorry to disappoint you, but I will not take a factory job. The old Mill near our family home is no longer open for business. I heard it was shut down for polluting the air for 30 miles around. As for "foolish wand waving" at the silly castle, I'll have you know that I just received a large grant for potions research. This helps healers who work at our hospital. Potions work is serious business and doesn't cause pollution which can shorten one's life. No, I am happy to stay where I am. And I don't go out carousing every weekend and blow my whole paycheck on drinking firewhiskey.
Sev

Sev,
you mean you get free money from the Gov't? My boy, I will be happy to have you send some of that free money my way. Your mum would love a new wardrobe and I can use a new Ford Anglia. That would make a wonderful Father's Day gift for your ol' man.
Tobias