Ask Snape - The Game

[snaperunner]

Albus,
You know I would do anything for you. I really wish that would not include luring me down to the Hog's Head under the pretense of an "Anti-bullying" class and then having a surprse party for me.I don't care if it is for my "un-birthday" whatever that is.I am at present locked in my room at Hogwarts getting my "surprise" cleaned out of my pants.
No thanks,
Severus Snape


Dear Professor Severus Snape,
When I said you looked like you could use a vacation I did mean at the end of the school year.However,seeing you dancing and singing "The Hinky-Punk Song" on the main staircase between classes does have me wondering. Shall I apply to Professor Dumbledore on your behalf and see if he couldn't release you a bit,well, sooner? I am most concerned.

Prof.Minerva McGonagall

[Pokota]

Minerva,

In case you haven't noticed, there has been an impostor Severus Snape wandering around Hogwarts. I suggest you speak with your Gryffindors about this situation - if nothing else, they seem to be finding great delight in escorting me, the alleged impostor, to the Headmaster's office as per the recent global announcement. I have been escorted no less than ten times since the announcement first went up.

Severus
----
Professor 'Severus Snape'

I don't know how you know of those things, but you are by far the most thorough impostor I have ever met. I will say this again, cease your impersonations immediately!

The Real Severus Snape.

[merrymarge]

Imposter Snape:
Hee, hee, I am the Real Severus Snape. You better come with me to Dumbledore's office where I will prove without a doubt that I am the Real Severus Snape. Your insistance that you are Severus Snape is bringing disorder to the School and I must have Order! Besides, my pet cat loves me and always snuggles up to me when I come into my office on the third floor. (I had to move from the dungeons because the cold and damp was affecting my hairdo).
The Real Severus Snape.

Professor Dumbledore,
Oh, dear kind sir! that Umbridge woman managed to slip away from St. Mungo's. Fortunately, we still have Professor Lockhart, but for Madam Umbridge, well, I hate to say it, you will have to pick her up for us. We have our hands full with a new exotic disease that several of our residents have some how became infected with. At this point in time, we don't even know what to call it, but it causes patients to sprout hairy warts that squirt a foul odor whenever they are touched. We really need to keep our staff here on duty to try and combat this disease.
So sorry we cannot help you with Umbridge.
Augustus Pye, assistant Head Healer.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Son,

Enclosed is a a little thing I clipped from this morning's Prophet. I thought you might find it interesting:

Marriages

On June 3 Severus Snape and Delores Umbridge were married at the Magristate Department of the Ministry of Magic.


You didnt?!?!

Or did you? You never tell me anything!

Love,

Mother

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Dear Severus,

Is what's in the Prophet today true?

We just couldn't beleive it! Lucius spit his coffee all over the table when he read it!

Well, Congratulations, I guess.

Narcissa

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Healer Pye,

If you people do not apprehend this woman in an expedient manner, I will be forced to take legal action against St. Mungo's. This woman is a danger to the public and is wrecking my life! Do you understand me?

S. Snape

[Pokota]

Mother,

There has been a person impersonating me. I can only hope that this was the impostor's handiwork, seeing as how I was at Hogwarts at the time of the alleged wedding.

~Sev
----
Narcissa,

Enclosed find enough coffee to replace what Lucius spat out. As for the wedding, it was not me - I was at Hogwarts during the time of the alleged wedding - and one can only hope that it was the impostor Snape that was at the wedding.

~Severus
----
Severus Snape

I'm sorry for impersonating you already, now GET THIS WOMAN AWAY FROM ME!

~The Impostor Severus Snape

[snaperunner]

Imposter Snape,
You two deserve each other.Enjoy the honeymoon.
The true
Prof.Severus Snape


Dear Professor Snape,
You were badly missed last night. Sir, you did promise us first-year Slytherins to sing us to sleep with the "Hinky-Punk Song". Where were you sir?
Your Homesick
First Year Slytherins

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Imposter:

I sincerely hope that you will be very happy. I gather, in your quest to try to discredit me and destroy my reputation, and my life, you ran into Ms. Umbridge and were led on by her delusions of my affection. I am sure that you thought "Ha!" and thought it would hurt me when I found out, or either your intent was to cause me intense embarrassment and discomfort. You have only managed to inconvenience me slightly. Though I despise Ms. Umbridge intensely, you have married her under false pretenses, and will probably end up in Azkaban for a couple of years, and that is only on the one charge.

By the way, Polyjuice does wear off, you know. Tsk, tsk.

If you want me to help you, perhaps we may be able to make a deal. If not, Congratulations!

S. Snape

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Dear Snape,

Who do you think you are, toying with my little girl's affections?

I am 108 years old, but I am going to come up there and open a can of whup-butt on you! Nobody breaks my little girl's heart!

So, if you will come pick me up from Sunny Villas Magical Retirement Home, we will duel to the death. What time will you be here?

Daddy Umbridge


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Homesick First Years,

Sing it to yourself and stop being such sissies!

Prof. Snape

[merrymarge]

Albus,
I need you to join me at the Wizengamot Council today. I am suing St. Mungo's for failing to capture that horrible person, Umbridge. Also, there is an imposter running around, pretending to be me, causing all kinds of problems. The sooner I get this cleared up, the better for me.
Severus

"Daddy Umbridge",
I will not be picking you up to duel. There is no need for violence. There is an imposter running around, getting me in trouble. This imposter is now married to your daughter. I am the real Severus Snape, and I work at Hogwarts.
Severus Snape

Severus,
I will be happy to go with you to the Wizengamot Council to settle this matter once and for all. This is imposter has the whole school in an uproar. The Aurors are still trying to catch Madam Umbridge and the imposter. The last I heard, they were spotted at the Queen's Jubilee parade. The Aurors tried to sneak up behind them, and hit them with a stunning spell, but they missed and hit several Muggles. Now, several Muggles will have to have their memories modified.
Albus

[snaperunner]

Albus,
Thank you so much. I may however also need to call you as witness. Supposedly,I apparated on the Queen's yacht duing the flotilla,turned around and mooned her. You will have to witness I was indeed at Hogwarts.(And I am not going to ask how this imposter managed that stunt)
Severus


Severus,
I know I said we were friends,but I really meant just friends. Why then did you ask me out next Friday,attempt to kiss me,and propose marrige?
Really,I'm not that kind of witch.
Charity


You Snivveling Coward,
You have stolen my Dee-Dee from me. And just when I had composed a love poem to her. You had to go and steal it and read it in public. I am untying my nice jacket now and we will duel.
Gilderoy de Lockhart
(at least I think so)

[GrimeldaDursley]

Howler:

SEVERUS SNAPE!

WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS COME OVER YOU? NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS DID I EVER THINK MY CHILD WOULD DO SOMETHING TO MORTIFY ME SO! I HAD HOPED WE HAD TAUGHT YOU BETTER! TO MOON HER MAJESTY! FOR SHAME, SEVERUS! IT'S EVEN ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE EVENING PROPHET!

I AM TRULY MORTIFIED! I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC AGAIN BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?


LOVE,

MOTHER [although I'm ashamed to admit it!]


================================================== =======

Severus,

There will be no need to worry about going to court, Obliviaters have been dispatched to take care of this matter.

You know, Dobby is such a good elf. He knows I love to read the Evening Prophet, and has just brought me today's edition.

Oh, dear.

Yes, I will be a witness if you need me.

Oh, dear.

Sincerely,

Albus

[merrymarge]

Severus,
I think we will use the Visitor's Entrance at the Ministry instead of the Floo Network. Remember: Visitor's Entrance, Ministry, NOW!
Albus

Severus and Albus apparate near the old telephone booth.
Severus grabs Dumbledore's arm: Look, Albus, the imposter!
several Aurors appear shooting ropes from their wands, tying up the real Severus Snape.
the imposter escapes!

Snape yells, "untie me you, twits"!

Albus: now, now, Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Nymphadora, you have the wrong Severus. This is the Real Severus, because he is with me.

A Howler appears:

How Dare You Tie-up My Sweetie? He is Mine, ALL Mine and NO ONE Can Take Him away from ME!
I, Dolores Umbridge, Demand That You Return Severus Snape to ME this Minute or...!!


I know it's supposed to be in the form of a question and answer, but I wanted it to be interesting.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape,

I am so sorry I messed up the apprehension of the imposter by tripping and becoming entangled in the ropes. I almost had him, too!

Sincerely,

Nymphadora

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++


Dear Professor Snape,

Please be available tomorrow morning to participate in a line-up of suspects. We have a witness who happens to be a wizard who saw the whole shameful incident. Be aware that this line-up is not to identify facial features.

Sorry for the inconvenience,

A. Moody











++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

[snaperunner]

Miss Tonks,
Your apology is accepted.One does become used to such clumsiness from you.I witnessed it many times myself in Potions class.
Professor Severus Snape



Moody,
Words cannot describe what that line-up showed. Thank Merlin's Beard someone from the Order or the Ministry did not have the bright idea of selling tickets.I sincerly hope you got whatever information you were looking for and I will not be further harassed by you.
Prof. S.Snape




Dear Professor Snape,
We here at St.Mungo's must apologise. While moving Gilderoy Lockhart to a more securely padded room he managed to get out of his confining jacket,overpower his attendants, stealing one's wand in the process and is now on the loose. As he escped Mr.Lockhart stated his intention to duel you and retrieve his "beloved Dolores" from your grasp. We thought you might like to be warned.
Apologetically yours
Hippocrates Hall
St.Mungo's Healer


Dear Severus,
I must apoplogise. I had no idea you were being tormented by such imposters. I know I raised you with better manners than to moon the Queen.( Even if she is a muggle). Well Albus Dumbledore has assured me that he and the Auror Department are doing everything possible to apprehend this awful villan. Oh and thank you so much for the subscription to Witches Romance Quaterly. I do so love to read it with my afternoon tea.
Love
Mum

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Mum,

I am glad you liked the gift.

Oh, Mummy! I am so miserable! Will you send me some of those delicious chocoate chip cookies you used to make when I was little? I am so depressed. Even though it was an imposter using polyjuice, now everybody in the Wizarding World knows what my butt looks like, and that nutter Lockhart has escaped again and wants to duel me and I know I can beat him, but he might sneak up on me and do something to me when I'm not looking so now I am a prisoner inside Hogwarts until they catch him and I can't stand it, Mum!

And Delores is still at large and that imposter is still at large and I dunno what to dooooo!
I have even considered an interview with the Prophet, stating that I will not be leaving the school and that any ridiculous actions performed in public allegedly by me are not me because I haven't left the premises so it can't be me.

What do you think of that idea? Do you think it would help?

And you will send the cookies, won't you, Mum? I reallly really need them.

Your adoring son,

Severus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Snivelly:

I am writing a poem about your latest escapade. Here's what I've gotten so far:


One fine sunny day
The Queen so fair
Looked around and saw your der-re-air!

How do you like it so far?

Sincerely,

Sirius Black

[merrymarge]

Black,
Keep your poems and comments to yourself, I don't need you to make fun of me.
Snape

Snivellus,
That's right, you can make fun of yourself by "mooning" our fair Queen. Really, Snivelly, I don' know what has gotten into you lately. Have you been nipping at the firewhiskey with Albus again? you know you can't handle that drink. It drives you to do all sorts of wild and crazy things.
Sirius Black

Severus and Sirius,
You boys need to learn to get along. Put aside your differences and work together to find this imposter who is making fun of our dear Professor Snape.
This imposter Snape is causing all kinds of havoc.
Albus

Professor Dumbledore Sir,
Do you remember that TransfiguRibbon that Fred and I worked on last year? It's possible that the imposter has the real ribbon. I don't think the real ribbon was destroyed, just the prototype that Fred and I had made.
George Weasley, Proprietor of Weasley's Emporium.

[Pokota]

Weasleys,

1) Make sure you address the recipient of your letters the same as you do on the envelopes.
2) If that is the case, then you get to help us find the impostor, seeing as it was your prototype. From what I recall, the TransfiguRibbon replicates the effects of Polyjuice Potion with the added effect of audibly warning the user when there are five minutes remaining of the transformation. Is this not correct, and how best can we exploit this? How, exactly, is the TransfiguRibbon's effect triggered?

I have forwarded your original letter to Professor Dumbledore, on the off-chance that it was intended for him and enveloped towards me by mistake.

~Professor Snape.
----
Albus,

The enclosed letter from the Weasley twins brings up the possibility that there's more nonsense with ribbons.

~Severus.
----
Professor Snape,

I think your Slytherin second years took my stuffed toy lion. Can you check and make sure if they did or not? I don't want to accuse without evidence.

~A sixth year Gryffindor.

[snaperunner]

Dear Sixth Year,
No. Go find it yourself.
Professor Snape


Posted in the Daily Prophet:
And here's the winning poem of the day, submitted by a Mr. P.D. Foote:

'Twas a sunny day in June
The Queen's view was blocked by full moon.
"Wherever did the sun go?" Her Majesty asked
When on our Professor's white bum it basked.

The daily winner of course recieves a complimentary ice cream from Fortescue's.


Dear Snivelly,
Lovely ice cream. Beautiful day. Not a moon in sight.
Sirius

Dear Severus,
I am looking into the matter of the TranfiguRibbon. As I learn any details I will inform you at once.I may have to leave for London to contact those Weasly boys.If I do I trust you to manage as Headmaster in my abscence.

Albus Dumbledore

[merrymarge]

Albus,
I think you need to talk to some of the fine people at Spinner's End. I believe they hold the key to the TransfiguRibbon. I think the Weasley boys just "borrowed" the idea. It was just a prototype and not the real Ribbon. I have sent an owl to Spinner's End to have everyone available who can tell you more about it.
Severus

Dear Black,
You are just a really loud, obnoxious, and totally uncaring... Just like when we were students.
where are your Marauder pals to "gang up" on me?
Severus Snape

Allbs,
did you forget that I am Deputy Headmistress and I am to fill in while you are away on school business?
Minerva

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sir,

Dumbledore actually paid us a visit the other day and asked us some questions about some crazy ribbons, you know, the ones that caused all that trouble a while back. We haven't seen anything like that around here, we even made a point of searching the entire place, but we found nothing here fitting the description he gave us. We will keep our eyes open and maintain constant vigilence and we all promised to notify him at once if we come across anything suspicious.

You know that crazy old Willy Widdershins? A couple of us saw him lurking in the alleyway the other day, drinking from a flask, kind of like the one Moody has. Then we saw you come out of the alley and head towards the downtown area. We shouted but you didn't hear us apparently, as you kept on going. We didn't see Willy though.

Anyway, that's all. Except that Lockhart has been here a couple of times asking for you. We thought he was supposed to be in St. Mungo's!

Later and Peace Out.

Spinner's End Irregulars

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Albus,

We really need to do something about these huge cockroaches! They were all over my Potions Ingredients last night! And in the shower too! Nasty and gross!

Shall I try to whip up something too get rid of them or would you prefer to summon a Wizarding Pest Control company?

Severus

[snaperunner]

Severus,
Cockroaches? And they're not the chocolate ones? How hideous. Yes,please do whip up one of your excellent bug removal potions.
Albus


Sev,
My boy. How dare you miss Father's Day?!? I note that you lavished attention on your mummy last month.And couldn't even take me out for a pint at me pub.What am I, chopped liver???
Dad