Ask Snape - The Game

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Father,

Not chopped liver, when prepared well, it can be actually very good. Based on the condition I always remembered you in, I would have to say, potted meat, perhaps.

Really, Father, you can't expect anything more than what you get from me. You were mean and hateful to Mum and me all the time I was growing up. You never had a good word for neither of us, ever. I have no happy memories of you. You never could accept me for who I am. I had the distict impression that you hated me. And now you're old and expect me to act like nothing ever happened.

It's called "Karma", Father.

Sincerely,

Severus, your "useless, Magical Son.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Professor Snape,

You will be pleased to know that due to an "anonymous" tip, a Wizard callled Willy Widdershins was aprehended this morning in the area of Spinner's End, as well as leading our Aurors to his hideout, where escaped St. Mungo's patient Delores Umbridge was also found hiding. A illegal stash of Polyjuice Potion was also seized, as well as what can only be described as literally hundreds of red hair ribbons, which had been recalled by Weasley's Wizard Wheezes for certain unpleasant side-effects.

Ms. Umbridge has been returned to the custody of St. Mungo's, and Mr. Widdershins is currently awaiting trial in Azkaban. The unlikely pair seems to have a terrible grudge against you, Professor Snape, and were apparently out on some kind of vendetta against you for whatever reasons.

Unfortunately, Gilderoy Lockhart remains at large for the time being, though our net is closing around on him. George Weasley, one of the proprietors of Weasly's Wizarding Wheezes, has reported that a new employee, who was unaware of Mr. Lockhart's wanted status, sold Mr. Lockhart approximately 500 Dungbombs yesterday. She mentioned it to Mr. Weasley, as it was such a large order, and she felt, after thinking about it, that it was rather strange for a grown man to purchase such a large amount of these items.

Do not fear, we are closing in on him, but in the meantime, Constant Vigilance is recommended on your part.

Sincerely,

Alistair Moody, Auror Department

[snaperunner]

Son,
Just as I thought. You'll never be normal. You and your silly Mum deserve each other.
I'll just be happy with the barmaids at me pub.
Your Father
Tobias


Sev,
Just ignore your father. That's how I put up with him all those years. Know you will ALWAYS be my baby,no matter how old you get.
Love
Mummy


You dastardly fiend,
You have stolen my sweetest Dee-Dee from me. I am armed and I wil have my duel with you. Be ready to face my wrath.
Sir Gilderoy Lockhart
(I still think so)

Moody, et al,
Thank you all for your catching the imposter(s) which have been giving me such grief lately. Professor Albus Dumbledore also tells me that there was a student caught in the process of making Polyjuice Potion in the first floor bathroom. You would think after Mr.Potter's escapade they would know better. However,the said student is in the process of being expelled, so hopefully this will clear up that matter.
Thank you
Professor S.Snape
(the real one, thank you very much)

[merrymarge]

Severus,
Now that the imposter Snape has been caught, we can focus on our studies.
Did you see in the Daily Prophet that Gilderoy Lockhart has been Knighted by the Queen? How odd that the Queen would take the time to knight a patient of St. Mungo's. Especially one who has been locked up in a ward for Spell Damaged people. Or maybe it's a prank and the Prophet was mistaken? I bet Rita Skeeter was behind this article. I must owl Barnabas Cuffe to find out more about this.
Albus

Professor Snape, Sir,
I don't understand why I am being expelled from Hogwarts for brewing a little polyjuice potion. I was only doing it because I wanted extra credit to pass Potions. You know I am not doing well in class and I thoughtthat by brewing the Polyjuice potion I could pass. I heard about this new game called "Pottermore" that has students brew pretend potions, but I wanted to brew the real deal. Now I am being expelled! How am I going to explain to my wizard father when I show up at home several months before school has ended!
Thomas Nott

[snaperunner]

Albus,
Yes, thank heaven. I can sleep knowing my name cleared of the hideous act of mooning the Queen.I will relax and get back to my Potions with relief.
Your aid was quite helpful in catching the imposter. Many thank yous.
Severus



Nott,
Extra credit will NOT count in that so much damage was done to my good name and reputation. Not to mention it is illegal to make potions outside of the classroom. School rules, you know, as I will be happy to explain to your father.
Professor S. Snape


Albus,
Might I suggest a rule about students using that intra-webs thing of the Muggles? Sir, I have had no less than two students that have been in trouble over this thing,and I have no idea how many the other heads of houses have had to deal with.
Severus

Professor Severus Snape,
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,


Sir,
During a recent excursion to London you entered your name into our free vacation drawing and we are pleased to announce that you are our first prize drawing winner! Your prize is a romantic trip for two to the lovely island of Atlantis in the Bahamas. Round trip airfare, a four star hotel, and meals at Le Chez Gourmand Restaurant are included. So don't wait! Pack up the lovely lady and enjoy a summer getaway for two!Congratulations!
Yours,
Sunny Silverdon and Frank Funwien
Prop., The Lovely Getaway Holidays

[merrymarge]

Severus,
I have asked the other heads of houses to drop by the staffroom to work up some guidelines about this new Muggle game. The problem is I want to encourage our students to explore Muggle technology, but, I am afraid this new game will cause more harm than good. The Weasleys are selling this game too. I don't know what type of arrangement they made with this company, SONY, (who is Sony? Suny?)
whatever, they need to be aware this game is not for our students. Messing around with potions and spells can cause problems and Madam Pomfrey and St. Mungo's will have their hands full. I don't know how a Muggle game can be played here at Hogwarts.
Albus

Mum,
I have an opportunity for you to take a trip to the Bahamas. It's a vacation getaway for two. Is there someone special you would like to take? It's a summer getaway, and you can fly in an aeroplane!
Your loving son,
Sev

Professor, Sir:
George and I will be happy to meet with you and the Heads of Houses at Hogwarts. We will show you our new game that came out recetly. it's called Pottermore and it has cool info about Professor McGonagall and Professor Quirrell and it show how to brew potions and cast dueling spells. Of course, this is a game and it's not real.
Fred
(George, you did get permission from the company, Sony didn't you?) (No, Fred, I thought you did).

Albus,
My life, my family life is being discussed by students. How did they find out? No one knew about my family. I feel violated.
Minerva

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

I have decided that Mr. Knott meant no real harm to you, apparently the "Imposter" had given him the okay to brew this potion for extra credit. Besides that, his attempted Polyjuice potion was simply that, attempted. I tested this myself, and it's not even close. More like a booger milkshake, I am afraid. The Imposter did not get the potion from him, that's for sure. I am hereby revoking Mr. Knott's expulsion, with a warning to not attempt such a thing again.

So, Gilderoy has been knighted, eh? Oh my. I do hope the dear woman has not been Confunded.

Albus

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Son,

It's very sweet of you to offer me that vacation, but I'll have to decline. I have no use for aeroplanes. Maybe we could send your father, and he'd like it so much, maybe he'd stay down there.

Did I just say that? Whoopsie!

Love,

Your adoring Mum

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Severus,

This is becoming rather unbearable, the students knowing all my private business! Just wait, this Pottermore thing will eventually get around to you, too! Millions of people, knowing your deepest, darkest secrets! How did they find out? Someone is playing God with our lives, and I frankly do not like it one bit!

Who is this J K Rowling, anyway? I have never even heard of her! Is she a witch?

Minerva

[merrymarge]

Minerva,
What secrets could there be about me? I lived an uneventful childhood in a middle class suburban neighborhood. My life was very much mundane. I am not worried about anything.
Severus

Sev, ol' boy,
Your mum has given me two tickets to a getaway for the summer to the Bahamas! and she is very agreeable for me to take anyone that I choose!! Sev, I met this cute little dish at a new pub, called the "Leaky Cauldron'. Your mum pointed it out to me one day or I would have never spotted it.
This dish has long, auburn hair, bright green eyes, and the cutest turned up nose! She was sitting with some bloke with messy hair and glasses. When I passed their table, she looked up and gasped when she saw me. I still have that affect on the ladies. Anyway, I gave her a wink, and I think I could persuade her to go with me to the Bahamas for the summer. Thank your mum for me, would ya? the last time I tried to talk to her, she waved her stick at me and my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. I couldn't talk or drink or anything for hours.
your dear ol' Dad

[snaperunner]

Severus,
What secrets are you hiding? I hear Rita Skeeter's latest book Severus Snape:Saint or Sinner is due out for publication next month. I look forward to hearing what skeletons lurk in your closet.
Minerva


Mum,
I am apalled. That was supposed to be our getaway. You do know after all I have been through, especially with the imposters, I really could use a nice long vacation. I also thought you would appreciate getting away for a bit. If you didn't want to go I wish you'd said something instead of giving the tickets to Dad.
Your Exausted Son
Severus

Sev,
I was in the Leaky Cauldron with James, and I saw your dad in there. He was quite cheeky and rather drunk, propositioning me with a trip to the Bahamas. I don't think he recognized me from when we were growing up, but he did succeed in causing a row with James and myself. Please ask him to refrain from approaching me in the future.
Lily

Snivelly,
Lily is my wife now. Please remember that and keep your greasy hands off. Tell your pops to do the same.
James
P.S. Well at least I see where you get the grease from. And your sunny disposition.

[merrymarge]

Minerva,
that Skeeter woman wanted to interrview me for her book, but I told her to "buzz off". She told me that she would find out my secrets without my consent. Again, I have no secrets, so I am not worried about her.
Severus

Lily,
Please forgive my father for his boorishness. He still thinks that he is a very, handsome man, and has a way with women, but unfortunately it is not true. His going away for the summer will help him forget about you. As for Potter, I will be happy to duel with him alone, without his band of renown.
Yours always,
Sev

Potter,
don't worry bout my dad. worry instead of my dueling you one on one without your liitle gang.
Snape

Severus, dear boy,
Never mind your father. I had to get away from him for awhile. I am going to St. Mungo's for awhile.
Severus, remember that lovely antique bedroom set I got from your grandmother? I wanted to transfigure it into a more modern set. But I couldn't even remember the spell! there are other little things that I am not able to do, so I thought if I checked into St. Mungo's they could check me over and see if there is something wrong. I do wish you would explain to those giggly girls you have at Spinner's End not to sneak up on me. One of them demanded to know who I was and why I was messy around with "Sir's
bedroom furniture". Personally, it's none of their business what I do with my furniture, but, talk to them please. Or I will hex them.
Mum

[snaperunner]

Dear Professor Snape,
I truly wish you had consented to be interviewed for my forthcoming book Severus Snape:Saint or Sinner. As it is I had to use other sources,including my own personal experiences with you. Publication will be within the next month,and in the meantime here is a small sample.

Rita Skeeter
Writer extrodinnare

" So where do our Snape's loyalties lie? With Albus Dumbledore,with whom Severus Snape is said to have an unusually close relationship? Lord Voldemort,who cheerfully calls Snape his "favorite"? Or perhaps the little red head Lily Evans Potter, Snape's childhood friend, whom he professes to have an undying love for? These chapters will explore the hidden depths of or most hated and yet,oddly, beloved Potions Master "



Severus,
No secrets,hmm? I anxiously await your book's publication.
Minerva


Severus,
My son I am deeply concerned about this book. An old neighbor told me that months ago she saw your dad in the pub talking to that Skeeter woman. As usual your father was three sheets to the wind, so who knows what he told her. I also gathered that Ms.Skeeter claimed to have interviewed a J.K.Rowling who claims to be an expert on you.
I have heard rumors about this book, and if it is anything like the one she wrote about Albus Dumbledore, I will be leaving the country for a very looong vacation.Even if I have to check out of St.Mungo's early.
Mum




Dearest Mum,
Sorry to hear you have not been feeling well lately. I will send a nice bouquet to brighten your room at St.Mungo's. Although, come to think of it I have been forgetting things like potions ingredients. And I recently borrowed a book from Professor Dumbledore only to leave it on his desk. He had to remind me three times to get it and I still just left it sitting there.
However, I can say with certainty there should be no girls at Spinner's End, giggly or otherwise. Lily is the only female allowed on those premises,excepting yourself,of course.
Love,
Severus

[Pokota]

Dear Mr. Snape.

Might I interest you in a Universal Reset Button? Only five easy payments of your soul.

D. Draconequi Enterprises

[merrymarge]

Severus,
If you send me flowers, DO NOT send Lilies! I loathe those flowers! As usual, your father manages to make a mess of things. This Rita Skeeter can make a mountain out of a molehill and she doesn't even use magic!
Mum

Rita Sketer,
I hereby denounce what you have written about me. I will be getting a law person, to fight you and your nasty book. I think the term is Deframing a person's character.
Severus Snape

Severus Snape,
I agree, you are a character, but I did not deframe you nor defamed you in any way. By the way, your father took a shine to me. He looked me up recently and declared that he was going to take me to the Bahamas. I will be sitting under an umbrella, sipping firewhiskey while your father plays footies with me.
Ta, Ta!
Enjoy my book,
Rita Skeeter, author, extradonaire

[Pokota]

S. Snape

1) The term is "Defaming"
2) Might I offer you my services as a lawyer? I was on retainer for Gilderoy Lockheart before he crossed paths with Harry Potter, and I have plenty of experience in dealing with Rita Skeeter. She has some interesting skeletons in her closet, and many Aurors are just dying to know what sort of illegal things she does to get her stories.
3) Yes, I know snooping around in other people's mail is against the law, but Rita did have it thrown out of her window this afternoon.

~ Granger, Granger & Granger (no relation - sadly - to Hermione Granger)

[merrymarge]

D. Draconequi Enterprises,
I don't think a reset button is necessary at this time. We enjoy these little crisises that pop up from time to time.
Severus Snape

Granger, Granger, & Granger,

Sirs: I need your services as soon as possible. Apparently, Ms Skeeter is having a "relationship" with my father. He is still married to my mother ( I think). Also, could something be done about this "game" that the young Weasleys invented? It is called "Pottermore" and I understand there is private and very personal information about some of our Professors. I do not know how they found out this information unless Ms Skeeter has a hand in gathering the information. I also believe there is another witch involved, one JK Rowling. If there is anyway to put a stop to suppling this information to the Weasleys, I will do my best to assist you.
Sincerely Yours,
Severus Snape, Potions Professor, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizarding.

[snaperunner]

Severus,
Just to reassure your mind, no your father and I are no longer married. We had a quick Muggle "elopement", nothing as serious as a wizarding wedding.(All that "bonded for life" stuff-rather like an Unbreakable Vow,you know). Something for which I never cease to be thankful for as he went and got a Muggle divorce when he ran off with that first bar maid, what was her name?? Lily?? Petunia?? Well it was something silly and flowery. Also for your ears only, you were born seven months after we married.Just thought you should know.
Mum



Dear Professor Snape,
Don't insult dear Tobias. He's quite dashing,when sober. And such a font of information. I will send you a thank you note for informing me of this "Pottermore" Such a fount of information.
Rita Skeeter


Minerva,
Please meet with me after classes today in Professor Dumbledore's office. Bring any other teachers who might be interested. We need to find a way to stem this flow of information about our private lives.
Severus

Dear Professor Snape,
Thank you for your prompt reply and advance payment of 65 galleons. We will investigate Rita Skeeter and this "Pottermore" by Sony? Sunny?? Sonny??? We will send information as we recieve it.
Granger,Granger,and Granger
Solicitors at Law
(Fourth cousin twice removed to Hemione Granger. Checked the distant family tree)

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sir,

Your Dad is over here, and well, he's pretty upset. We made him a pot of strong, sweet tea and now he's lying on the settee with a damp cloth on his forehead. From what we could glean from him, it appears that Rita Skeeter has given him a hearty dose of Veritaserum and just dropped him off here. He is really in a state, Sir! We think he's coming around, though, as he's made a couple of propositions to a couple of us.

Sir, you have his hair and nose, but we think you've got your mother's eyes.

Sincerely,

Spinner's End Irregulars

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Dear Snape,

I got everything I wanted from your dear old daddy. I have sooomuch info for my book, and plenty more to sell to Pottermore!

By the way, would you like to reserve a copy?

Rita

[snaperunner]

Mum,
Really,some things parents should keep to themselves. But thank you.
Severus

Severus,
All the heads of houses,the house ghosts and Albus Dumbledore will be present at this meeting. This "Pottermore" must be dealt with. We will see you this evening.
Minerva

Dad,
You rotten old sot.Why don't you keep your mouth shut and stay away from the ladies,hmm.
Severus


Dear Irregulars,
Yes, I have frequently been told that I do seem to favor my mother,for which I am thankful. Just keep pouring coffee into him until he's sober and then put him out. Giving him a cold shower works wonders if he gets too fresh.
Prof. Severus Snape

[Sinistra_Furze]

Lucius

I need your help!
How did you keep all the nonsense about you out of the pages of the Prophet? Despite your rather dubious history you seem to have a good relationship with the Ministry at present.

Severus

--- --- ---

Severus

It’s called charm. I don’t think I have time to teach you how it’s done, so might I offer for your use this Retardus version of the “Confundus Scriptus” spell which will make any written script in the vicinity unreadable. The beauty of this time-delayed spell is that it can be applied to a letter, owled to the one you wish to confound, and will become active only when the recipient opens the letter.

I have found it very useful in the past when it was necessary for certain information to be “lost”. It is not commonly known, so be careful to make it non-traceable back to you.

Your good friend

Lucius Malfoy

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape [hic],

I has always respected and admired you, Sir, you has always treated Winky with respect [hic, tearstains] , So Winky thinks "What can I do nice for Professor Snape? And Winky had an idea! Winky decides she will go and tidy up the Professor's desk for him! So Winky did just that, Sir, and she sent the Owls he had for Mr. Malfoy, Ms. Skeeter, the Professor's sweet Mother, and Professor Dumbledore off for him! [hic]

Now that is one less thing the Professor will have to do! Winky also sharpened all the Professor's quills and filled his ink bottle for him too. And washed his socks.

Your servant and friend,

Winky [hic]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++

Severus,

Did someone send your owls for you today? I just received a request for chocolate chip cookies from you. As you are aware, we have no house elf at the current time, and I do not think you would enjoy any cookies Narcissa made, the last were like rocks. Busted a tooth on one.

Do you think maybe the letter was meant for someone else?

Lucius

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

[snaperunner]

Lucius,
Actually, I do know of a certain house-elf who may be in need of employment. As long as you don't mind drying her out and hiding the butterbeer and firewhisky. I have pulled socks out of my ink bottles and don't have a decent quill left. I dread what the morning mail will bring me. Since I am thinking about it, do send on a box of Narcissa's cookies, I know a few vic*erm* people who will be glad to have them.
Yours,
Severus


*Howler

Severus Tobias Snape,
How dare you. That information regarding your father and myself was PRIVATE!!! Why, oh why did it end up in the hands of that AWFUL Skeeter creature?? You have a lot to ansewr for young man.
Mother

Dear Severus,
Ta! Thanks for the information you provided. Publication of my latest book:Severus Snape:Saint or Sinner has been held back for another month or two while I amend it to include new information. However I do assure you it will be twice as juicy and many more details to come!
Rita Skeeter