Ask Snape - The Game

[snaperunner]

My dear Severus,
Due to the fortunate placing of bushes around Hogwarts, I was able to avoid the Grim Death the Fates had in store for me. I am willing to go to the Wizengamot and testify to that fact. Unfortunately as I was enjoying my ice cream I recieved an ill omen. A black raven flew overhead and as I had my ice cream a woman screamed and I dropped my ice cream. The pattern from my dropped ice cream and the raven flying by overhead indicated a hideously horrible mangled death for you. Please stop by my office as soon as possible so I can read your tea leaves and consult the Beyond so as to help you avoid a most terrible fate. In the meanwhile-watch out for snakes.
Yours,
Sybill Trelawney

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape,

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!

Padma and Pavarti Patil


Der Prof Snap:

I m watchin U. im am gon 2 mak u pey for all the misary u hav cussed, u can bit on tha.

Eyeball

[Pokota]

(The following was found posted on the common room bulletin boards the following morning)

To all students:

The following message was delivered to me anonymously the previous night. Please make note of the atrocious grammatical and spelling mistakes. As always, if you see a student behaving differently from normal, report it to a member of staff immediately.

S.Snape, head of Slytherin House.
(Also attached was the letter from Eyeball)

----

Professor Snape,

Draco Malfoy has been acting quite oddly. He's been going into the Room of Requirement at many hours of the day, he has been having his two friends stand outside of the Room (while Polyjuiced as random students) as a security measure, and I know somehow that he is up to something.

Also, every so often I'll hear students start to beep (in much the same manner as a muggle pager), and they'll have to duck into a bathroom. I never see the beeping student come out of the bathroom.

Harry P.

[merrymarge]

Severus,
There are always students behaving differently than normal. With all the magic here in the schools, students are bound to behave differently. That's also why we don't permit magic in the hallways. Plus first years and muggle-borns have a big adjustment to make being away from home, usually for the first time, and Peeves annoying students, just what is "normal" these days?
Albus

Potter,
why are you still here in Hogwarts? I thought you left several years ago and are now working for the Ministry as an Auror? Or have you changed your mind? As for Mr. Malfoy, I think you are mistaken. He also left Hogwarts, about a year after you did. I heard that he has taken to writing songs and auditioning for a Muggle Program called "Britian's Got Talent" or some such nonsense.
Professor Snape

[HandofGlory]

Albus,

Kids misbehave. That's normal, unfortunately.

Severus.

--------------------

Professor Snape,

Oh, I see where Draco is. Speaking of which, didn't you go on that show? I think I remember you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIjx756cPL8

Orange doesn't look good.

Sincerely,
Harry Potter

[snaperunner]

Mr.Potter,
You really are remarkably like your swine of a father. That is not me as any idiot would see straight off.
Prof.S.Snape


Professor Trelawney,
Sorry, I do not put much faith in having my tea leaves or anything else read, so I must decline your offer. I will say that it is good to see you back teaching at Hogwarts although I must express my dubiousness at your subject.
Professor Severus Snape

Severus,
I have recently been contacted by several young(?????) ladies all claiming to have been linked romantically to you in the very recent past. Is there any truth to those rumors? Please tell me that you are and there is a chance I may soon be a grandmother. You do know that is my fondest wish- but I do want you to do the thing properly, you know.
Love
Mum

[merrymarge]

Mum,
I have been recently nominated as Head of the Potions Society---most Notable Potioneer. We hold monthly meetings and the young ladies you are referring to nominated me, As to being romantically involved with any of them, well, I must say, NO.
Sorry Mum,
your devoted son,
Sev

Severus, you ol' son of a gun,
You did it again, you upset your mother dreadfully. I just heard her crying and when I tried to find out why, she managed to say" Sev". Now, Son, this is for your own good. You just have to stop upsetting your Mum. She is a very lovely woman and did her best to raise you properly. I guess your being "magical" somehow makes you better than everyone. I am warning you though, if you don't stop, I'll turn you over my knee like I did when you were just a lad.
Your father,
Tobias

Severus,
I know you don't like Divination. You need to broaden your mind, go beyond the mundane and look into the Future, or else my students will not want to attend class and what will I do with my free time?
Sybill

[Pokota]

Sybil

You could try catching up on current events, like you did while you were alive. You know as well as I do that predictions are 90% observation and 10% hypothesis. All that sherry must have scrambled your brains.

~Severus

---

Mister Snape.

Perhaps you should take another look at the correspondence between the son you abandoned and the woman you abandoned.

Severus Prince.

---

Snape,

Why is Potter accusing me of making illegal polyjuice? Did you set him on me again?

D. Malfoy

[merrymarge]

Mr. Malfoy,
Please address me as Professor Snape or Sir. As for me setting him on you, please note that Mr. Potter is an Auror- in -training.
Professor Snape

Mr. Prince,
I have no idea what you are bathering about. I have not abandoned anyone. And the name is Professor, not Mister Snape.
Professor Snape

Severus,
Would you care to join me at a Deathday Party down in the lower dungeons? We could meet some of the ghosts that live here at Hogwarts. I hear there are over 100 ghosts that live here, though we only have seen a few.
Sybill

[WelkinCooper]

Professor Snape... Sir...

Potter is an Auror-in-training? The standards aren't very high these days are they? An idiot-in-training I could see.

D. Malfoy




Well la-di-da, PROFESSOR Snape,

If you choose to ignore your responsibilities as 'pater familias' I suppose that is your business. I'm very disappointed in your attitude. I had heard that, despite appearances, you were a man of honor.

Tsk, Tsk...
Severus Prince



Madam Trelawney,

I have no intention of joining you in the dungeons for anything. If you were truly a Seer, you would have known that. The only Deathday party I intend to celebrate is the death of my tenure at Hogwarts.

S. Snape

[SirDobster]

Mr. Malfoy,

I agree. Potter is not quite who you would think would be the ideal candidate for Auror training. Don't concern yourself with his progress. I'm sure you have more important things to take care of.

Prof. Snape


Mr. Prince,

Either provide proof of your claim or cease this nonsense.

Prof. Snape


* * * * *

Sevvy. It is I!!! Your secret admirer. I'm back!!! Mmmmmmwaaaaah!!! Hugs and kisses to you. XXXXXX OOOO XXXX

You are so yummy.

Love,
Me.

[HandofGlory]

You,

Who are you exactly? I don't know you. I don't care to know you.

Professor Snape.


---------------------

Muhahahahaha!

I remember everything now! I am the next Dark Lord! Fear me!

Lavender Brown

[Pokota]

Miss Brown,

I've forwarded your last letter to the Ministry of Magic, St.Mungos, and the Headmaster. Have a happy vacation.

Professor Snape.
----
Severus Snape (hopefully not the real one),

If you have received this letter, then that means that we've finally found which bit of the silliness goop you've been dumped in. Unfortunately, we do not have the means to retrieve you from the silliness goop. You're on your own, kid.

If you have not received this letter, then please kindly go about your business as you are the incorrect Severus Snape for our purposes. If you are the original Severus Snape, you have our condolences.

~Silly Sillibus.

[snaperunner]

Dear Sillibus,
To what cauldron of silliness goop do you refer? Also to inform you I AM the real.true and original Professor Severus Snape.I am choosing to not acknowledge the idiot who sired me by now referring to my mother's maiden name.
Yours,
Professor Severus Prince



Dear Prince person,
I do not know you. I am however the true and original Severus Snape. Do not keep refering to yourself as my person, it can become quite detrimental to your health.
Severus Snape

Sev, my boy,
I am hurt. After all I did for you and your mum. Putting up with your little fits when you were younger. I am insulted that you wanted to disown me. When you get over your snit fit, I do need a few pounds. This latest barmaid, she was a nice armful, has said she's turned up pregnant. I have to take care of this. Unless you're looking forward to being a big brother at your age?
Your Dad

[merrymarge]

Dad,
you are on your own.
Severus

Professor Snape,
We have received your owl about Ms Lavender Brown. Our Healers are on their way to pick her up.
Healer Augustus Lacey

Sev,
your father thinks he got a barmaid in the "family way". I don't think it's possible, he had surgery a number of years ago so I couldn't have any more children. If you send him any money, he will just drink it up.
Mum

[HandofGlory]

Mum,

Don't worry about it. I sent him Sickles and Knuts to use on the barmaid. Go in a corner in the pub he goes to and see how it works out.

Severus
-----------------------------

(Envelope directed to Severus Snape. It is a piece of the Daily Prophet.)

Augustus Lacey, famous Healer of St. Mungo's, was found dead today at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Healer was en route to pick up a student suffering from hysterical delusions of becoming the next Dark Lord. The student, who shall remain nameless until further notice, would have been transfered this morning. However, Lacey wouldn't go as far at the Great Hall as he fell down dead from the Killing Curse......

(the article ends at the torn edge. Another letter comes out is attached at the end)

Try better than that.

Lavender Brown

[merrymarge]

Severus,
the chase is on! A group of Aurors led by Kingsley Shacklebolt and Mad-eye Moody are out to track down Ms Brown. Oh, this is so exciting! I heard the Weasley boys are placing bets that Ms Brown will be captured by Friday. I have decided to place 10 galleons on them. Do you want to take part in the bet?
Filius

Sev, dear,
I heard that there is a team of Aurors out to capture that Ms Brown. I think you need to lure her to your father. You know he has a way with pretty young girls. He can keep her distracted until the Aurors catch her. And Sev, please don't bet your hard earnings. Keep them for something practical.
Mum
P.S. I know about your gambling. I heard from that cute house-elf, Flitwick.

[HandofGlory]

Filius,

10 Galleons on this Wednesday. Do realize this is Miss Brown we are talking about, not Voldemort. I thought you would have better sense than that.

Severus.

-----------------------------------

Mum,

First of all, Filius Flitwick is a respected teacher here at Hogwarts, not a mere house elf. He is a master at charms, and I respect him as such, and I expect you to do the same.

Also, we tried the "Trick Lavender with Tobias" technique, and all they did was modify her memory after all the murders she commited. Kingsley Shacklebot and Mad Eye Moody would have her before my father could do anything with her.


P.S. I didn't realize that you and PROFESSOR Flitwick were friends.

------------------------------


Dear Professor Severus Snape,

We have received your order for the ingredients you need in your classes. However, we are confused to some of the items ordered. While we do carry the assorted eyeballs, hairs, and slugs you wanted, we do not carry Cauldron Cakes.

At first, we thought, why would a respected Potioneer in the Wizarding world want to order this? And then, we looked at the letter again and the Cauldron Cakes were in a different handwriting.

So, while we will send you the ingredients (they should be in the package with this letter), we will either let you know that we don't have Cauldron Cakes, or that someone is getting your mail before they are sent to their respected goal.

Eliza Mikstura
The Apothecary

[merrymarge]

Sev,
You silly, I know that Filius is a professor. I went to Hogwarts, too. And yes, we are dear friends. The only way a memory charm would have worked on Ms Brown would have been if Gilderoy Lockhart performed it. And we know where he is these days, poor dear. When Ms Brown is taken by the aurors she will stand trial at the Ministry of Magic before the Wizengamat court. I don't know if Professor Dumbledore will be hearing the trial since he is the Headmaster at Hogwarts. He would know Ms Brown very well and that might be a conflict of interest.
Mum

Ms Mikstura,
I think I filled out the order form improperly. I was going to order the cauldron cakes from Honeydukes. I wanted to see if I could add a special potion to them. And thank you for sending my order so promptly. Nothing is more exciting than getting all your potion ingredients right away. Freshness counts.
Severus Snape

You hoo,
Professor, I know who you are going to give a love potion to. You are going to put the potion in cauldron cakes. I have been spying on youuuuuuu.
a very curious student

[HandofGlory]

Mr. Weasley,

You could barely make a brew, let alone spy on me. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Professor Snape

-------------------------------

Professor Snape,

Are you sure this is you? This seems very unlikely of you to posion treats to give to others. Are you sure no one is looking through your mail?

Eliza Mikstura
The Apothecary