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Snape: Letters To Lily



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Old December 11th, 2010, 4:05 am
CarolineBlack  Female.gif CarolineBlack is offline
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Snape: Letters To Lily

Hello everyone, in the spirit of Deathly Hallows, I wrote a one-shot last night. This takes place during HBP and I would appreciate your feedback.

This was much harder to write than I'd anticipated. I've always loved Snape, but putting myself in his position was truly heartbreaking; I don't think I've ever cried so hard while writing.

Without further ado, I present "Letters To Lily"

It was a cold and foggy November night when he decided to see her again. Only Dumbledore knows. He breathed a sigh of sad relief and stopped in front of the gates of the Godric’s Hollow graveyard. He was alone but he still felt as if James was going to stop him from talking to her once more. He gripped the bars of the entrance and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to the metal. He could feel a lump already forming in his throat. He bit his lip and fought the urge to whimper.

It’s now or never. He gently pushed the doorway open and strode confidently past the graves; he already knew where she was; he’d seen it in Dumbledore’s mind.

When he saw her stone in front of him, he realized that he’d never contemplated just how hard this would be for him. The Dark Lord, his parents, his schoolmates; they’d all taught him how to bottle up pain. He saw a flash of James taunting him when he happened upon a young Severus in tears one day. “You’ve lost her for good, eh? ‘Bout time…I don’t know why she fancied being with you!”

I never meant to hurt her.

He cleared his throat in a feeble attempt to rid the uncomfortable tightness filling it. “I always pictured our reuniting to be a lot happier than this.” His vision began to cloud from moisture. “I want to say so much to you, but I don’t have the greatest opportunity for that right now…obviously.” He hoped that that would have made her laugh. I only have one chance to say this, to say everything that I can with the time that I have. Reaching inside of his cloak, he lifted out and neatly unrolled a bit of parchment and began to speak.

Lily,

I’m sorry that I’m so late…I wasn’t exactly allowed to attend the funeral. God knows that I wanted to, but you and I both know that that would have been too soon for me to join the others that love you. I like to think that you wanted me there, but part of me hopes that you hated that idea; I don’t deserve your sympathy…Dumbledore
did graciously let me watch the entire thing in his head. Do you remember when we both wanted to learn Occlumency? It was going to be our secret way of communicating after they caught us passing notes one too many times. I don’t think it would cross your mind much now, but I needed to remind you about it anyway. Lily, I’m done truly supporting the Dark Lord’s ignorance, and I stopped before word could ever reach you.

This is where it gets difficult for me; it is my fault that you lay here now. I told Voldemort of the prophecy that he linked to your son. It is my fault that you had to go into hiding. If you hadn’t done so, Pettigrew wouldn’t have crossed you and I might still have the chance to apologize for all of my wrongs in person.”
The parchment in his hands was shaking as he fell to his knees and let out an agonizing cry that pierced the calm of the area.

Snape’s voice trembled and grew quieter as he read on. “I swear on everything that I’ve ever held dear, I tried to protect you. I told Dumbledore that Voldemort knew of your whereabouts and would attack. I begged him to shelter you in the way that I wanted to, but could not. He agreed, and in turn I have become a spy for the Order…I give them every bit of information that I have regarding The Dark Lord and the Death Eaters, and have never put aside my loyalty to them. And, Lily, I promise you that I will do whatever I can to continue helping the Order now and for the rest of its run. I have also promised to aid in keeping Harry safe on the seemingly impossible mission that lies ahead. As much as it pains me to say so; he is the right boy for it.

And please accept my apology from our youth. You were the smarter one…The only one who was able to match wits with me in any form. I was the one who spoke without thinking; that’s why I called you what I did. After all, I know that you were just trying to help me. I don’t know why I was too proud to accept your kindness, but I’ve regretted it from the moment that it happened.

You never talked to me after that if you could help it. Your voice…Your voice and your eyes had been the only things that kept me strong enough to walk through those corridors and they gave me strength when my mother and father had better things to do than talk to me. But after that day, your lips were sealed, and your eyes were narrowed for me. I tried following you at times, just hoping that one day I’d hear you laugh; if I heard that tinkle, then my day had been perfect.

I remember when I learned that you were dating James; I asked myself time and time again why you gave him a second chance, but not me. I saw you running around with him, happier than you’d ever been with me, and I hated you for it. I really did; I burned with loathing every time you came into my eyesight…But my heart would always heal itself. It would bandage shortly after and remind me of what it had been like before I’d received the regenerating wound, and I’d smile. But then I heard you were getting married; I even remember foolishly expecting a possible invitation. What an idiot I’ve been.

Then you were with child shortly after the marriage and I knew that you would never want me in the way that I want you. But I often ask myself if I crossed your mind at all after that... because I’ve thought about you every day. My love for you is the only thing that gave Dumbledore any shred of trust in me.

Lily, you are the only person I’ve ever trusted to share this part of myself with before, and I have something I need to tell you…Ever since you’ve left this world, my Patronus has been a doe; just like yours. I wish you could see it; it’s identical…I sometimes find myself casting it when I’m alone because it’s one of the only pieces that I have left of our time together. I showed the anomaly to Dumbledore and he said to me,
“After all this time, Severus?” I replied, “Always.”

No matter how much time may pass, and no matter what I may endure, you have all of my love and are my reason for living. There’s never been anyone else; after I fell for you, nobody else could give me the happiness that you did, and I’ve never wanted to look. Lily, you are my warmth, my home, and still the closest companion I could ever dream of having.

It’s too late for me to have the life that I’ve always imagined with you, but I hope that it’s not too late to make you proud somehow. I hope you understand that I can never return to you here. This holds too much pain for me and I can’t stand to see the date that’s engraved. But our world is on the brink of a revolution, the downfall of the dark, and this land will soon likely fall prey to the evils of battle. However, I’m going to do what I can to keep you and your family safe in death, even if I could not do the same in life.

I do not know what is written in my destiny, but I can only hope that when my time comes to die, I have a memory of you in my mind, and a smile on my face for when I see you on the other side.

Severus Snape



With a wave of his wand the parchment rolled back up and was sealed with a charm. He placed it on the ground, and with a call of “Terradam!” the scroll plunged into the earth, unmovable. He traced the wand over both tombstones, whispering protective enchantments that would keep their plots safe from damage.

The ache in his heart was unbearable and with each second that his eyes rested on her name, he could feel the pain being fueled. He couldn’t look away; this was a beautiful sting. He could almost hear her, almost feel her brush his hair.

With his body still wobbling, he lifted himself and looked at the stone one last time before creating a ring of fresh lilies that he placed on the mound. “The most beautiful flowers for the loveliest woman.”

With tears silently covering his face, he turned around and never looked back.


"Terradam" is a random spell I made up; I took it from the french, 'terre' which means earth or soil.

I hope you all enjoyed this, and I'd love to hear your thoughts.


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  #2  
Old December 15th, 2010, 1:33 pm
CarolineBlack  Female.gif CarolineBlack is offline
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Re: Snape: Letters To Lily

Sorry about the lack of a feedback thread; I wasn't thinking!

Feedback is here- http://www.cosforums.com/showthread....50#post5670150


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