The Poetry Writing Thread v2

[MHPFAN]

Originally Posted by pinkShark

Until My Next Eternity

You are it
You are the world
You are the everything
You are in my head
You are in my mind
You are in my heart
You are the air
You are the dream
You are the escape
You are the problem
You are the touch, the taste, the sound, the smell, and the vision
Until the next one
And when it comes
Consider yourself gone
Catch you round
In my next eternity.

Comments/ Critique?

I'm not a poet, so I'm going to break the flow a little bit because I won't be posting a poem after I give my comments. However, I saw this and I had to post about it. This is absolutely beautiful! Poetry can really touch someone and this one really did me. I can relate with a lot of the things you're mentioning here and I can honestly say, I have felt this way before. This could relate to so many things: a loved one, a thing, a place. It's amazing and I wanted to comend you on a wonderful job done.

[pinkShark]

Originally Posted by MHPFAN

I'm not a poet, so I'm going to break the flow a little bit because I won't be posting a poem after I give my comments. However, I saw this and I had to post about it. This is absolutely beautiful! Poetry can really touch someone and this one really did me. I can relate with a lot of the things you're mentioning here and I can honestly say, I have felt this way before. This could relate to so many things: a loved one, a thing, a place. It's amazing and I wanted to comend you on a wonderful job done.

Thank you! It's mostly about those crushes that you get sometimes, those ones that last for all of two weeks, but they're just all consuming! I think it can be read in other ways though, which I like. Thank you

[hpgirl21053]

thnx pinkShark for the comments, i know it was not everyone's taste, but i still appreciate any form of help..thnx

[phoenix_flame]

So here's my addition to the silly poems used to bump.
This one, I'm actually not so sure about. Of course, it's crappy, but please guys, let's keep this thread on the first page!


What has happened
To all of us
What has pulled us
From this place?

The place where we seek
refuge
adivce
help
This place has been lost.

Lost to the world
Lost like our words
Erased from the paper
They were set down on.

Something has to be done
To pull us back
Show us what we know
Teach us to care.

For it's a sad day
When this page is far from
The first page
It's rightly throne.

So read this ****.
Take some time
Make a rhyme
I beg of you.

[pinkShark]

Originally Posted by phoenix_flame

So here's my addition to the silly poems used to bump.
This one, I'm actually not so sure about. Of course, it's crappy, but please guys, let's keep this thread on the first page!


What has happened
To all of us
What has pulled us
From this place?

The place where we seek
refuge
adivce
help
This place has been lost.

Lost to the world
Lost like our words
Erased from the paper
They were set down on.

Something has to be done
To pull us back
Show us what we know
Teach us to care.

For it's a sad day
When this page is far from
The first page
It's rightly throne.

So read this ****.
Take some time
Make a rhyme
I beg of you.

I really like the second verse! Ok, here's one I wrote yesterday, I wouldn't post again so soon, but not many people seem to be.


Words

Words for everything, everything with a Word
A never-ending supply, or so I’ve heard
Words to wound, Words to heal
Words to analyse, Words to feel
Words for love, Words for hate
Words for choice, Words for fate
Words to go, Words to stay
Words to stand up, Words to sway
Words for peace, Words for fighting
Words for thunder,Words for lightning
Words to give, Words to take
Words to sleep, Words to wake
Words for ears, Words for eyes
Words for truth, Words for lies
Words around us, Words inside
Each of us.
Words...

[phoenix_flame]

Originally Posted by pinkShark

I really like the second verse! Ok, here's one I wrote yesterday, I wouldn't post again so soon, but not many people seem to be.


Words

Words for everything, everything with a Word
A never-ending supply, or so I’ve heard
Words to wound, Words to heal
Words to analyse, Words to feel
Words for love, Words for hate
Words for choice, Words for fate
Words to go, Words to stay
Words to stand up, Words to sway
Words for peace, Words for fighting
Words for thunder,Words for lightning
Words to give, Words to take
Words to sleep, Words to wake
Words for ears, Words for eyes
Words for truth, Words for lies
Words around us, Words inside
Each of us.
Words...

Thanks! I wasn't really trying!

I love yours though!
It's nice to think of all the different things words can do.

[pinkShark]

we need to start a 'save the poetry thread' campaign!

[phoenix_flame]

That we do!

[Anhelda]

PinkShark, I like your "Words" poem--even though the "list poem" style can be very flat and cliche, you've made yours interesting with a strong meter and rhyme scheme. It reminds me of the verse in Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament about "To everything there is a season" with it's "A time to x, a time to y" structure, so you're ranking with some VERY classic literature there!

Here's one I did in Creative Writing in college--I think I remember how it goes:

FAIRY TALE
Everything was fine until the first quarrel;
Then he said IT:
"What would you know about affairs of state?
You were a scullery maid!"
She stared at him, aghast,
Her blue eyes shining with sudden tears.
"Is that what you think of me?" she whispered,
"Is that how you see me?"
He saw that he'd hurt her and tried to apologize,
But he was a prince, with no practice in humility.
"I didn't mean it..."
"Yes, you did."
She lowered her eyes and turned away.
"Cinderella-" he raised a hand toward her
But she quickly walked away,
Her golden slippers clicking on the stone floor.

[pinkShark]

Originally Posted by Anhelda

PinkShark, I like your "Words" poem--even though the "list poem" style can be very flat and cliche, you've made yours interesting with a strong meter and rhyme scheme. It reminds me of the verse in Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament about "To everything there is a season" with it's "A time to x, a time to y" structure, so you're ranking with some VERY classic literature there!

Here's one I did in Creative Writing in college--I think I remember how it goes:

FAIRY TALE
Everything was fine until the first quarrel;
Then he said IT:
"What would you know about affairs of state?
You were a scullery maid!"
She stared at him, aghast,
Her blue eyes shining with sudden tears.
"Is that what you think of me?" she whispered,
"Is that how you see me?"
He saw that he'd hurt her and tried to apologize,
But he was a prince, with no practice in humility.
"I didn't mean it..."
"Yes, you did."
She lowered her eyes and turned away.
"Cinderella-" he raised a hand toward her
But she quickly walked away,
Her golden slippers clicking on the stone floor.

Thankyou! I love how you don't see the twist coming at the end of your poem, it's really unexpected! And I really liked that you used speech in your poem, not many people do.

Also, when I realised it was about Cinderella I was really happy! Me and my sister habour an obsessive love for Disney Princesses, and at the moment I'm working on a short story (told in verse) of Cinderella. Yay Princesses!

[pinkShark]

Christmas Haiku

Lights, Sparkles, Tinsel
Hope and Cheer Will End The Year
Love and Family.

[Lizzy_Potter]

Originally Posted by pinkShark

Christmas Haiku

Lights, Sparkles, Tinsel
Hope and Cheer Will End The Year
Love and Family.

Oh, this is so good! I love the cheer/year rhyme, right in the middle. Maybe you could put something of the decorations in the last line? I think it would tie in the poem better, but that's just my opinion.

O.K., has anyone heared Emily Dickinson's If You Were Coming in the Fall? It is absolutely gorgeous. I'll post it:

THIS IS NOT MINE!

If you were coming in the fall
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn
As housewives do a fly

If I could see you in a year
I'd wind the months in balls
And put them each in separate drawers
Until their time befalls

If only centuries delayed
I'd count them on each hand
Subtracting until my fingers dipped
Into some mystic land

If certain when this life was out
That yours and mine should be
I'd toss it yonder like a rind
And taste eternity

-------------------------------------------------------------
Good, huh? Here's one of mine:

Piano's not a Rat Race

It’s not a sport
It’s not a race
Why make others
Fall on their face

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care

Why make piano
A competition?
I wish that they
For once would listen

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care

Please listen to
My humble cry
As the recitals
Go on by

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care

It’s not politics
It’s not P.E.
It’s not softball
But still I plead

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care
---------------------------------------
Yeah, It's not good, Is it? Can someone suggest an alternative title?

[pinkShark]

Originally Posted by Lizzy_Potter

Oh, this is so good! I love the cheer/year rhyme, right in the middle. Maybe you could put something of the decorations in the last line? I think it would tie in the poem better, but that's just my opinion.

Yeah, It was just something I was mucking around with, but I think your way sounds better, it would bring it full circle.

O.K., has anyone heared Emily Dickinson's If You Were Coming in the Fall? It is absolutely gorgeous. I'll post it:

THIS IS NOT MINE!

If you were coming in the fall
I'd brush the summer by
With half a smile and half a spurn
As housewives do a fly

If I could see you in a year
I'd wind the months in balls
And put them each in separate drawers
Until their time befalls

If only centuries delayed
I'd count them on each hand
Subtracting until my fingers dipped
Into some mystic land

If certain when this life was out
That yours and mine should be
I'd toss it yonder like a rind
And taste eternity

-------------------------------------------------------------
Good, huh?

I've never heard it before, but I love it! I feels really upbeat, but still wistful. Maybe we should do more Poetr discussion on this thread as well?

Here's one of mine:

Piano's not a Rat Race

It’s not a sport
It’s not a race
Why make others
Fall on their face

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care

Why make piano
A competition?
I wish that they
For once would listen

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care

Please listen to
My humble cry
As the recitals
Go on by

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care

It’s not politics
It’s not P.E.
It’s not softball
But still I plead

It’s not right
It’s not fair
I know I shouldn’t
Even care
---------------------------------------
Yeah, It's not good, Is it? Can someone suggest an alternative title?

I really loved the pace of this poem, it feels like it should be read really fast, much like the race it's protesting against, and that's why I like the title you already came up with, it really hits the point home.

[Ronny]

Death of The Father

The lump of flesh lay in the square
Fat, deceased,
Bereft of hair
And local people gathered there
All to gloat, none to care.

He’d just been shot
It seemed too fair.
“He should have suffered”
I heard them say
As the setting sun began to bake
And the people there voiced their hate
Screaming “Disembowel!”
“Annihilate!”

With chain and rope they strung him up
And, frozen stiff, he began to swing
I heard from them a mighty cheer
And saw them drink and dance and sing
Celebrating their hollow win
Over this chunk of meat,
This fallen king.

[gipro2003]

Originally Posted by Ronny

Death of The Father

The lump of flesh lay in the square
Fat, deceased,
Bereft of hair
And local people gathered there
All to gloat, none to care.

He’d just been shot
It seemed too fair.
“He should have suffered”
I heard them say
As the setting sun began to bake
And the people there voiced their hate
Screaming “Disembowel!”
“Annihilate!”

With chain and rope they strung him up
And, frozen stiff, he began to swing
I heard from them a mighty cheer
And saw them drink and dance and sing
Celebrating their hollow win
Over this chunk of meat,
This fallen king.

Wow that's deep. I actually felt for the man. I like that you used such dark and cruel language, yet the poem seems to symbolize a vicotry and celebration to the people. It was an interesting perspective. (btw, I'm terrrible at constructive criticism.)


I wrote this one after watchin Pope John Paul II's funeral. It was a really moving experience for me.

Sacred Pontiff

Wind flutters the pages
of a book in red binding,
A cross imprinted on the cover
Of the Holy Gospel.
As it rests upon pine wood
of a rectangular coffin,
belonging to an important man
in modern history, Pope John Paul II.

Flags of various colors wave through the air,
and applause constantly interrupts
the Homily by the Dean of Cardinals.
Speeches in Tagalog, French, and Swahili,
given by mournors from abroad.
Foreign dignitaries shake hands,
his private secretary sheds tears.
Sainthood for a special man
chants an awe-inspired crowd.

The man who created a turning point
in modern history, is no more.
But his arrival is awaited at the gates of Heaven.

[pinkShark]

Originally Posted by gipro2003

Sacred Pontiff

Wind flutters the pages
of a book in red binding,
A cross imprinted on the cover
Of the Holy Gospel.
As it rests upon pine wood
of a rectangular coffin,
belonging to an important man
in modern history, Pope John Paul II.

Flags of various colors wave through the air,
and applause constantly interrupts
the Homily by the Dean of Cardinals.
Speeches in Tagalog, French, and Swahili,
given by mournors from abroad.
Foreign dignitaries shake hands,
his private secretary sheds tears.
Sainthood for a special man
chants an awe-inspired crowd.

The man who created a turning point
in modern history, is no more.
But his arrival is awaited at the gates of Heaven.

I actually cannot get over the image of the red book, it's just stunning! I really liked this poem, I thought it had a really good rhythm, and a deep and interesting subject. But the image of the wind turning the pages of the solitary book= gorgeous!!!

[lazerx]

I guess it's just not my cup of tea.

I have a poem that could have been written by someone after my funeral. I wrote this about 5months ago. I was really suicidal.
It's called "Live".

It’s 5 ‘til half past
And I'm down to my last
Day to live
So what if I don’t give
I just lost my best friend
My life is about to end
I never got it right
I tried with all my might
I'm not saying goodbye
And I don’t want to die
I don’t want to kill,
But if I have to, I will
I'm at the lowest low
But, how to do it, I don’t know
I don’t have a gun,
But the number of blows it takes is one
I never knew my dad
Oh well, too bad
So many girls have broken my heart
I guess they didn’t think it could tear me apart
The last girl was named Beth
At least she was before my death
Nobody found me somebody to love
So now I look down on them from above
I was always good with the books,
But I never had good enough looks


This could either cause suicide, or prevent it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[gipro2003]

Originally Posted by pinkShark

I actually cannot get over the image of the red book, it's just stunning! I really liked this poem, I thought it had a really good rhythm, and a deep and interesting subject. But the image of the wind turning the pages of the solitary book= gorgeous!!!

Wow, thanks! I really appreciate the comments.

Originally Posted by lazerx

I guess it's just not my cup of tea.

I have a poem that could have been written by someone after my funeral. I wrote this about a year ago. I was really suicidal.
It's called "Live".

It’s 5 ‘til half past
And I'm down to my last
Day to live
So what if I don’t give
I just lost my best friend
My life is about to end
I never got it right
I tried with all my might
I'm not saying goodbye
And I don’t want to die
I don’t want to kill,
But if I have to, I will
I'm at the lowest low
But, how to do it, I don’t know
I don’t have a gun,
But the number of blows it takes is one
I never knew my dad
Oh well, too bad
So many girls have broken my heart
I guess they didn’t think it could tear me apart
The last girl was named Beth
At least she was before my death
Nobody found me somebody to love
So now I look down on them from above
I was always good with the books,
But I never had good enough looks


This could either cause suicide, or prevent it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

And this poem was really dark and somewhat of a mood-dampener. You really expressed your thoughts and feelings well though, which is commendable. I think you could improve it if you didnt concentrate on rhyme so much. (I'm really not so much of a fan of rhyming poetry.) I think people's feelings and emotions are expressed much more thoroughly without the use of rhyme, but you did an admirable job using rhyme.

[pinkShark]

Lazerx, I thought your poem really conveyed the desperation the subject was feeling, and I particulary like the the line 'It's five til half past/and I'm down to my last'

This is a poem that sort of came about by accident, I thought of something similar to the first verse yesterday, and today I decided to play around with it a bit.

Whisk Me Away

Whisk me away to Hollywood babe,
Land of crushed hopes and dreams.
I want to be in the movies honey,
In a land where nothing's as it seems.

Whisk me away to Hollywood babe,
Where nothing could ever be boring.
We'll drink and we'll dance, and we'll drug ourselves up,
But we'll still look hot in the morning.

Whisk me away to Hollywood babe,
Where the lights are so shiny and bright.
And the city will entice us with false promises,
and we shan't even put up a fight.

Whisk me away to Hollywood babe,
The land of the beautiful fakes.
Just believe when I say that I'm a rising star,
Because I'll do whatever it takes.

Just whisk me away to Hollywood babe,
Where I'll beg, and scheme and cajole,
And I'll join the que with these other hopefuls,
Ready to to sell you my soul.

[Ronny]

I sit alone
And start to think
Of pastures old and new,
Of people met, goals accomplished
And things that I shall never do.
But some may scorn this time of change
And wonder at the cost
Of changing times and wandering friends
All know, all loved, all lost.
I meanwhile smile and weep,
But tears of triumph always
For my memories shall never fade.
Happy thoughts be not dismayed!
For you are in the warmest corners of my mind.
And as you walk along that road
You may find
It is true what has been said
That though times are hard
And troubles many
The whole world lies ahead.