Whos, Whats, Wheres, Whens and Hows of Discipline

[LoveWeasleys]

Disciplining children is one of the hardest parts of parenting. This thread is to discuss methods of discipline that has or has not worked for you. Please be respectable to others and read Family and Parenting: What to Know before engaging in debate.

Here are some questions to get the ball rolling:

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?

3. What has worked for you and what has not?

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?

7. Any other comments?

[flimseycauldron]

Originally Posted by LOVEWEASLEYS04

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?

I am. I am a stay at home mother of one six year old boy, and my husband works out of the home during the work week. My job is literally 24/7 until my hubby gives me a two hour break or so on the weekend But it does come at a cost. My son will often double check with me before doing something his father gave him permission to do...which doesn't sit well with my husband at times...

Originally Posted by LOVEWEASLEYS04

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?

My husband and I agree with the main principles that we want to teach our son, and I suppose as you can see from the above response I usually have the final say. But in the little aspects we are polar opposites, which drives me nuts!

Originally Posted by LOVEWEASLEYS04

3. What has worked for you and what has not?

At six years old time outs have become ineffective. We are now into revoking privalidges (computer, TV mostly) and limiting time with friends with terms to be determined by severity of disobedience. However, my son can earn back days by unasked for good behavior like taking out the garbage without being asked for instance or opening doors for ladies in public etc etc

Originally Posted by LOVEWEASLEYS04

Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?

Um, I might lower my voice more. I want to discipline my child not humiliate him in front of strangers.

Originally Posted by LOVEWEASLEYS04

How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?

I believe it takes a town to raise children and so if I place my son within someone's care whom has similar values to my own then I have no problems with them disciplining my child as they see fit. I simply would not let my child be looked after by someone who had totally opposite views to my own, though.

Originally Posted by LOVEWEASLEYS04

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?

Well for schoolwork we have a chart. If he fills his chart we roll a six sided dice. Each number corresponds to a reward-dinner out at place of childs choosing, movie with mom and dad, baking cookies, board game with mom and dad or other variations as we think of them. But we DO NOT reward with money or an allowance. However quickly he fills out the chart the more rewards he earns by lotto as it were.

[LoveWeasleys]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?
Right now our discipline consists of "No" and we are just starting to try with timeouts, she is only 14 months so I am not in too big of a hurry to force timeouts. I am a stay at home mom as well, so I would say that I do more of the discipline just since I am home more. But, when he is home he helps out as well. The problem is since he isn't home much he doesn't know everything that she can and can't have so it gets a little frusterating at time and I am usually the gavel when it comes to what she can do.

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?
I think we will find this out more as she gets older. But I can definitely say that we were both raised differently and I think that may cause some strife later. We talk about different ways we will handle situations and I think we are pretty much on the same page. But, I can definitely see where it would be very frustrating to have two parents that are parenting differently. There definitely needs to be a joint agreement between the two or I don't think discipline will work very well.

3. What has worked for you and what has not?
On thing our doctor said was to try not to say "No" to her. Instead to use words like, "Danger", "Caution", "hot". Those did not work with her. She would look at us like we have three heads and just continue to do what she was doing. The word "no" proved to be very final and consistent for her. She knows what it means and what to do when she hears it...even if she doesn't always do it. We also try to redirect her which works in some situations.

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?
I agree that I to lower my voice more. She used to be an angel when going out to eat, but just recently she started screaming and being a a little terror. I try to lower my voice and whisper to her or bring things to keep her occupied.

But I have seen parents yell loudly, spank, or discipline their children in public in a way that would embarrass the child and I remember feeling very uncomfortable.

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?
As long as it is consistent with my styles I have no problem with it. I feel like my parents as well as my husbands parents would never discipline Elaina. But I guess that is just how grandparents are .

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?
Since she is so little we don't really have games or anything like that yet. But I look forward to reading others' posts on this thread to get some more ideas! Right now when she puts a toy away or helps clean up I try and make a really big deal of it, like it is the coolest thing in the world and she seems to really respond well to that.

7. Any other comments?
Just that I really feel like discipline is a form or love for your child. I think it is the hardest part of parenting, but will produce the best results when done right. This is one of my favorite quotes I heard in a parenting seminar:

"I love you too much to tolerate behavior that will lead you to destruction."

[Montse]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort

No i am,i am always telling them what to do ,its in my nature tobe bossy,plus i am a teacher and well thats what i do.Its hard for me because in class iget them to do what ever i what at once at home i have to go ever things i want done several times and since i have a nasty tempeer as harry i get upset very easily.My husband helps me but hes not home much and when he gets mad he scares them so its better if mommy gets upset at least mommy is not scary.

we both believe in the same things,the problem is we live with grandma here we have loads of problems,but lots of blessings too.

i try to be the same in pblic than in private,i start out very sweetly and patiently but if the ignore me i get harsh and mad,no matter where.

If its my mom i dont mind now if its my mother in law i mind because she has favorites an d shes no t fair at times.

at achool they have weekñly goals that help a lot.with discipline

I wish iwas more patient,still i do believ whatever i persue its because i love them and want them to become good persons and not dudleys

[CathyWeasley]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?
It's a joint effort! There are more of them than us!

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?No. Basically the same. Raising of voice, time out/ sent to their room. Revoking of priveleges (computer games, TV) and possible grounding for serious offences with older children.

3. What has worked for you and what has not?
Depends on the child. Each child is an individual and has to be treated as such. What works for one may not work for another. My five year old thinks it's funny when I tell him off and laughs; with him it's "Behave or no dessert" - he really likes dessert!


4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?
It used to be quite differen but now I don't really care what others think. Although I did once use the "in public" thing to my advantage. My eldest son had abandoned his younger brother when he went on his "taster" day. My younger son missed the bus and I had o drive him to the school - what really made me livid though was the lack of loyalty myolder son showed to his brother - I am always drumming it into them "Stick together" I figured the best way to punish a 13 year old was to embarass him in front of his friends so I shouted at him in front of them all a la Mrs Weasly. I am now known among my younger sons class as the "Mum who shouted at his brother in the playground" I asked if he'd told them that I wasn't normally like that and he gleefully shook his head. My husband chimed in "Of course he hasn't - no one's going to bully him now are they - not even the teachers!"


5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child? If i'm not present then fine, but I'd never leave my kids with someonbe who didn't have the same ideas about children anyway.

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?Days out, McDonalds(or other favourite eatery), one on one time, and of course tangible rewards such as that toy/computer game they really want. And someimes chocolate.

7. Any other comments?
Raising kids is a minefield. But kids are very forgiving of your mistakes - as long as you are humble enough to admit to them.

[snapegirl]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?
I'm with him more. I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works crazy hours sometimes. I deal with more minor things by myself, but for the better ones, we talk about what to do.

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?
We usually agree what what to do and how to do it. Since our son is 8, punishment is usually taking away computer time or TV time.

3. What has worked for you and what has not?
The normal time outs didn't seem to work. It's more about not watching his favorite show or not being able to play video games for him.

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?
I keep my voice lower in public. I also have used the walking away method at stores. If we're shopping and he wants something I'm not going to buy for him, instead of making a scene and saying "NO" twenty times, I'll just start slowing walking away. That gets him to realize what he wants isn't happening.

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?
We have never left our son with a "babysitter" in the typical sense of the word. It's always my parents, my mother inlaw, or very good friends who watch him. Since we know these people inside and out, we trust their judgement. They also tell us if our son did anything wrong and what they did about it.
The only thing I can't stand if my husband and I are around and some "lesser" family member ( one we don't see often) tries to discipline our son themselves, instead of letting us know he's misbehaving. If we are not there, then the disciplining will fall usually to my parents (since they are the one who will take him out the most without my husband or I around)

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?
Usually a trip to the movies, a new video game, or dinner at a restuarant he likes.

7. Any other comments?
My son can be very challenging. He was just labeled ADHD and sometimes if we just threaten him with the loss of video games etc, it doesn't stick with him. I have learned that following through with the punishment is very important with ADHD kids and the mere threat doesn't work most of time.

[Kimagine]

I do not leave my kids in the care of my husband's parents -- they do not respect my parenting style or value system, and are not above criticizing them in front of the kids (which is one reason I try to see tham as little as possible). I agree that it is VERY important for kids to have positive, consistent boundaries and lots of communication.

[CathyWeasley]

Originally Posted by Snapegirl

I'll just start slowing walking away. That gets him to realize what he wants isn't happening.

I find this works in most situations. It makes it clear that you do not respond to pester power.

Originally Posted by Snapegirl

My son can be very challenging. He was just labeled ADHD and sometimes if we just threaten him with the loss of video games etc, it doesn't stick with him. I have learned that following through with the punishment is very important with ADHD kids and the mere threat doesn't work most of time.

I have several friends with children with ADHD. They can be very challenging. (one of them I realised he had ADHD before his mum told me)The worst thing is that in public people can be very judgemental about a kids behaviour - a friend of mine was reduced to tears when someone had a go at her about her sons behaviour (he has since been rediagnosed as autistic) She is a single mum of four kids and is the most dedicated Mother I have ever met - but because she lacks self-confidence this person totally undermined her confidence as a parent.

[beth83]

Originally Posted by Kimagine

I do not leave my kids in the care of my husband's parents -- they do not respect my parenting style or value system, and are not above criticizing them in front of the kids (which is one reason I try to see tham as little as possible). I agree that it is VERY important for kids to have positive, consistent boundaries and lots of communication.

I have a similar problem with my father-in-law, my mother-in -law is really good at discipline but he just undermines everything I say.

Last weekend we were in a small town near us that has a traditional sweet shop. As we are having problems with Dylan's eating we have cut out all snacks so he was told that he couldn't have sweets. My father-in-law turns around to Dil and says (right in front of me) 'don't worry granddad will buy you some!' I think I probably would have murdered him there and then if my hubby hadn't have gotten to him first. Luckily Dil is only 2 and didn't really understand what had been said so didn't get upset when no sweets materialized. Thank goodness they live on the other side of the country, otherwise I think my midwife may have admitted me into hospital with high blood pressure by now!

[FireSlytherin]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?

-mom

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?

3. What has worked for you and what has not?

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?

7. Any other comments?

I think my generation and the generations after me lack discipline. I see most of this in school. Maybe it's because a lot of them are at the stage where they think they are always right and always invincible. But they are always getting away with stuff, they are probably the worst behaved and ill mannered kids I think.

[MC2456]

Originally Posted by FireSlytherin

I think my generation and the generations after me lack discipline. I see most of this in school. Maybe it's because a lot of them are at the stage where they think they are always right and always invincible. But they are always getting away with stuff, they are probably the worst behaved and ill mannered kids I think.

That's not true. Yeah, sure maybe there are more people rebelling in our generation, but we can't stereotype them. We can't judge them before we really know what is their family backgrounds, and stuff like that. If you really get to know a person, you'll be really shocked at the stuff most of our generations' kids have seen and the problems they face at home and in school.

[LBuccalo]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?

It is always me, I am a single mom now so it all falls on my shoulders. I do let my family step in and enforce as well though. My mom does alot which is nice, it takes some of the heat off of me.

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?

I am a pick your battles type of gal. As long as it isn't destructive, I am not a stickler about it. My ex nit picks ridiculous things, its pretty funny.

3. What has worked for you and what has not?

I am a big fan of taking privileges. I am not opposed to taking toys, treats, or anything else if my son is being really bad. Time outs have not worked well for me. It is so impossible to get my almost 5 year old to sit still for one, so the taking things away and rewarding for good behavior has been great.

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?

No I feel like if you are different at home than in public it probably means you are subconsciously ashamed of it, therefore shouldn't be doing it.

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?

I am great with that. Afterall it takes a village As long as they are not being excessive and using similar techniques its all good with me.

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?

I stock up on little treats and cheap toys so if Craig is good and does what he is told he can pick from the jar. We usually keep track on a big chart and if at the end of 2 weeks he has done all his chores and been good (respectful, eaten well, ect.) He gets to go with me to a store and pick out a toy $10 or under. We also do mommy son "dates" where we go out together to the movies or to an indoor play gym.

[TropicalEscape]

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?
- It used to be a joint effort, but now that I am a stay at home mom it's mostly a "I agree with whatever you do honey." hah. We both have the same beliefs though.

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?
- Nope, he agrees with whatever I do, though if I am in a tough situation with one of them I ask him for his opinion and he normally has the same idea. I love when we are on the same wave length .

3. What has worked for you and what has not?
- Time outs generally don't work for any of my kids, even the youngest one doesn't do well with time outs. I find that taking away their toys/not letting them watch tv/no bedtime stories or songs/etc. work a lot more for them. They do have a "I've been behaving well" type chart in the kitchen, and they can earn stickers if they behave well at school, get a good grade on a spelling test or on their project, if they help when not asked, etc. There are many rewards, but some awards are harder to earn than others.
4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?
- I have six children, they can be a real handful if I am out in public and if one of them is really acting out in public, I hold them closer to me and kind of lower my voice to them. I tell them if they keep misbehaving they won't be going out with the family until they can behave.
5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?
- I generally don't like it unless it's at school, but everyone says that my kids are actually really well behaved for the amount that we have. Friends, or family members who watch them generally never say they do anything wrong, except when they are extremely cranky (which happens if they don't give them a nap, I always request that whoever watches them lets the younger ones nap.)
6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?
- If they behave really well, each person gets individual mommy time, or daddy time.. like individual dates. Sometimes they all get to choose where we are going to eat, sometimes they get the choice of getting a video game or toy they really wanted, going to an amusement park (which normally is really rare since it's so expensive.)
7. Any other comments?
- Six kids are a lot to handle, but generally if you keep to your word with discipline and follow through with it.. they know you mean business. I love my kids.

[silverfaery333]

Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?
When both me and the father are with the kids it's a joint effort. But I do have to remind him that even though he is gone a lot (he is military) that he cannot just let his kids do whatever they want because he feels bad. He has gotten better over time with that, but my daughter at least still knows she has daddy on her side.

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?
Nope, time out and then explaining things in a way they can understand normally works. He and me both don't care to spank if we can help it.

3. What has worked for you and what has not?
With my daughter, talking to her normally works. She's almost six and loves to please people. With my son it's time out, he hates to sit still and is always on the go and into things. His dad is like that. So he gets to sit down for 5 minutes, and normally that is how long it takes for him to calm down and be informed of why he can or can't do something.

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private? At home they know where to go when they are in trouble. If we are in a resturant and they act up I have nothing against getting my meal to go or just leaving and going home. They still get to eat just at home instead of out. If I am in a store, I will take them outside and calm them down. I have had people yell at me because my kids are standing by me in line at a resturant and get tripped over! And yet the same people would have gone off if I had let them run around.

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?
As long as they don't go beyound what I will allow, then that's fine. My mom and dad were the same with us. I actually chased a babysitter out when she hit my younger brother across the face. He was six and she told him to carry out a bag of trash that was WAY to heavy. I offered and she told me to back off and then hit him. Then she told me that my parents told her she could hit us whenever we didn't listen. Needless to say I chased her out of the house, and called a member of the church and we stayed there the rest of the weekend. The girl never did come and pick up her check, and my parents came home to a note on the kitchen table explaining to them where we were at and that I was the one that called.

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior? Both of my kids love McDonald's and at the moment the area they are staying in doesn't have one, so going to McDonald's in the morning is a treat for them. They also love the outdoors and will go out anytime of year just to play. But mostly it's hugs and stuff like that that work the best for me.

7. Any other comments?
Personally having kids is a very wonderful and frustrating thing and I wouldn't change it in the world!

[lil2shygirl]

Will I give out time out and I don't smile or laugh when getting on too! I take there favort things away most of the time... Kids can be a hand full but at the end there is smile on both face..

[tonks1187]

Disciplining children is one of the hardest parts of parenting. This thread is to discuss methods of discipline that has or has not worked for you. Please be respectable to others and read Family and Parenting: What to Know before engaging in debate.

Here are some questions to get the ball rolling:

1. Who is the general disciplinarian in your family or is a joint effort?
In the beginning it was mainly me who was disciplining because my husband can be quite soft. But now that she is 2 she doesn't always listen to him and he doesn't like that. So now it is a joint effort though I am still the stronger of us both.

2. Do you have a different discipline method than your partner?
No. We agree (for now) on how to discipline and what works best.

3. What has worked for you and what has not?
I have learned that light taps or spanking don't work at this age because I don't like to do them hard and she thinks they are funny. So for now she learns to sit in time out or go to bed early.

4. Is the way you discipline your child different in public than it is in private?
I don't believe in humiliating my child so I will usually take her outside or into the restrooms for a bit of privacy. But she still gets time out in public.

5. How do you feel about others (relatives, friends, caregivers) disciplining your child?
I would rather no one discipline as harshly as I might. Time outs are fine if I tell them they can do that.

6. What are some special rewards or games that you came up with to award good behavior?
I give her juice - which she is obsessed with right now - and sometimes a special snack. she is only two so there isn't much to do right now.

7. Any other comments?

[HMN]

Originally Posted by snapegirl

My son can be very challenging. He was just labeled ADHD and sometimes if we just threaten him with the loss of video games etc, it doesn't stick with him. I have learned that following through with the punishment is very important with ADHD kids and the mere threat doesn't work most of time.

I think that is true of ALL kids. Children are smart cookies and they know when we're really going to follow through on a threat and when we're all talk.

I personally never make a threat unless I can follow through on it. Like taking away privileges for a week - If I put it out there as a consequence, I better be able to follow through with the punishment.

[LillyColak]

never hit a child out of anger.
if you must use corporal punishment wait till later don't look happy when you do it either don't look angry or sad just be calm when you hit and do it with shoe strings or something light and quick.
if you hit a child out of anger it just teaches them the association of
i'm angry = hit and destroy things
if you use something big and hard wich won't be a quick sting it may make them feel unloved like you like to hit them.
and explain to them why they are getting hit first before you lay a finger on them.

now eventually that won't work anymore
you can take away ceartain privelidges use discretion because if you take away too little you'll loose all credibility if you take away too much it may work when they are young but when they are big enough to resist you holding them down then they'll just rebel.

oh ya and when they do something that you don't nessecarily like dont rant and rave about how they're stupid or dumb or annoying or how you've had enough of them, or how you ruined your life.
that just shows them oh its not me its all about her/him she/he doesn't care about me just his/herself
and it really effects their self esteem.
and don't be afraid to hang out with your kids sometimes, like do it in proportions
even have a set day to hang out so its on a schedule and not a spur of the moment pop up on them.
kids mostly don't like that
i would go insane if the schedule changed without my knowing before hand.
anyway thats all the advice i can give on do's and dont's.