Ask Snape - The Game

[Pokota]

Dear Professor Snape,

We have decided that it's Lucius' loss. Then again, he's not as good a good guy as you are, so we're not too worried about it.

By the way, how is Snarks?

~S.E.I. Investigation Commission
Now a subsidiary of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

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Narcissa:

Your husband's an idiot.

~Snape

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Severus,

Have you been raiding Greenhouse Seven again? Only a lot of the plants have a significantly smaller number of new blooms than they did when I went to sleep last night.

As you know, Greenhouse Seven is for experimental plants, and these are not intended to be used in potioneering - the hallucinatory effects of most of the plants would make any potion made with them risky to use at best.

~Pomona Sprout

[GrimeldaDursley]

S.E.I.,

Well I suppose I should be flattered but I don't think so. A word of advice, don't anger Narcissa.

S. Snape
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Severus:

I know this.

Narcissa
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Pomona,

No, I have not been in Greenhouse Seven. With the things I witness every day, who needs hallucinatory substances?

S. Snape

[merrymarge]

Shnape,
I see you, hehe, I seeee youuu, hic, I see you are still shworking at Hogwarts, why? I think youuu are better off shworking shomewhere your talents as Potions Mashter would be better, hic.
your secret admirer, hic.

[GrimeldaDursley]

To the Secret Admirer:

I do not know who you are, nor do I care. But whoever you are, what I choose to do with my career is my business, not yours or anybody elses. And some advice, lay off the firewhiskey. It will destroy what few brain cells you have left. And you obviously can't afford to lose any.

Go away.

S. Snape

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Dear Sir,

Why can't I have my picture back? Noxoius says it might be a rare Blibbering Humdinger!

Sincerely,
Siggy


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Albus,

While it is none of my business what people choose to do, it might behoove you to speak to Delores Umbridge about her habit of sunbathing by the lake in that skimpy get up. I am enclosing a picture taken inadvertantly by a student, be warned, I felt like I needed to boil my eyeballs after seeing it.

I trust you will take care of this matter.

Severus

[merrymarge]

S. Snape, Sir,
Please forgive me for my recent behavior. I don't know what came over me. I trust this won't happen again, you have my word. (crosses fingers behind back).
your secret admirer.

[GrimeldaDursley]

To the Secret Admirer:

Promises, promises. Just please remain secret.

S. Snape

================================================== ==================================

[Sinistra_Furze]

Mr Whetstone

I can assure you with absolute confidence that the object which you inadvertently photographed was certainly not a Blibbering Humdinger. If you were to observe something of the like again, and Albus has assured me he has taken steps to prevent this, you will under no circumstance approach. The object identified should be considered dangerous to all students.

In future it would be best if you confined your hobby to the photography of plants for your Potions Scrapbook.

Prof Snape

PS I have the “Duelling for Beginners” book you asked for. You may study the book during the week, but must not practice without supervision.

--- --- ---

Severus

I don’t think you are taking this seriously. It was the Egyptian Water Lily that was illegally harvested from Greenhouse Seven and you know as well as I do what its effects are. I don’t expect you to be up to date on the social calendar, but the Halloween Ball approaches and it’s not unheard of for students to believe they are the first ever to think of spiking the punch.
Consider the consequences Severus!

Pomona

[GrimeldaDursley]

Pomona,

You need to stop worrying so much about this. If it will make you feel better, I will suggest to Albus a search of all the dormitories. In the meantime, please don't get your blossoms in a bunch over this.

Sincerely,
Severus
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Dear Sir,

Thanks for the book!

Sir, I think I'm in big trouble! That wasn't the only picture I had. I sold one to this paper called "The Quibbler". The man was really pleased and said it will be on the front page of the very next issue. It came out today, Sir. The Caption says : STUDENT TAKES ONE HUMDINGER OF A PICTUE!

Sincerely,

Siggy

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Severus,

Please join me for tea this afternoon. I need to discuss something with you.

Delores Umbridge

[yorkiedoodle]

Dolores,

I take it you are resigning?

Severus


Severus,

Pomona has been in touch regarding missing Egyptian water lillies from Greenhouse Seven - do you think a search of the dormitories is necessary? And do you have an antidote in case someone tries to spike the punch at the halloween Ball?

Regards,

Albus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

Of course I am not resigning, you silly man! Do you think I'd give up my job over a silly picture? But I do think I have an idea who invaded my privacy and I think you do too. Perhaps a week's detention will remind them to be more respectful next time. Hmmm, where's my quill?

On second thought, forget the tea. Now, Severus, you do know that the Halloween Ball is coming up. Perhaps you will accompany me? Accompanying me would go a long way towards influencing my feelings towards the shutterbugs that felt the need to humiliate me and invade my privacy in that way! Anyway, I see the way you look at me in the Great Hall over meals. You cannot hide the desire I see in your eyes, Severus! Quit denying it!

Please owl me an answer as soon as possible!

Delores
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Albus,

It may be necessary I think. And it will get Pomona off my back about it. But the decision is yours.

Severus

[Sinistra_Furze]

Dear Hermione

Several of my Blue Lotus Flowers (kept in greenhouse seven) have been plucked whilst supposedly under the watchful eye of Pomona Sprout. Not only does this put back my brewing plans, it has become a cause for concern regarding what the thief intends to do with them. It may be a student or two have decided to do something original like spike the Halloween Ball punch bowl. However, given that the Pink Pestilence has asked me to accompany her to the Ball, I fear the matter might not be as straightforward as that.

In order to facilitate a happy and peaceful Ball I wonder if you might see your way, that is if you have the time, to assist me in preparing an antidote, just in case. It is a complex potion to brew, but well within your capacity, I’m sure.

Regards

Severus

PS the photo on the front page of the Quibbler was taken inadvertently by young Whetstone, not realising (thankfully) quite what it was he saw. I’m only relieved he didn’t get any closer, it could have traumatised him for life!


--- --- ---


Severus

A thorough search of the dorms has found nothing out of the ordinary in the way of contraband. A higher than average haul of Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes were discovered, but not the flowers.
It has occurred to me they would need to be handled and stored carefully but as yet we have not seen any of the effects one would expect to manifest after careless handling. I begin to wonder if an adult were responsible for this…. Your thoughts Severus would be appreciated…

I have informed Dolores that, after questioning, it is clear that Mr Whetstone was unaware of the content of the picture he took, taking into account the Owl he sent you, and so should not be punished for his blunder re the Quibbler since in this case he had no ill-intent. However Dolores will be reprimanded and a note put on her file regarding her inappropriate behaviour on School grounds. I have asked Siggy to inform you if she attempts to impose any unwarranted punishments on him.

Albus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Delores,

I will try to put this as delicately as I possibly can. The only "desire" you saw in my eyes the other day in the Great Hall was the desire to see if you would snap up and devour that huge fly that was hovering over your head. I do not like you. If you were the last woman on Earth, and I the last man, the human race would become extinct. Do not entertain for one moment that I have any desire for your company. As the Muggle song goes, "I ain't that lonely yet."

On the other hand, Firenze is currently dateless for the Ball. Why not ask him or Bane or one of the other Centaurs? Oh, I forgot, they don't like you either.

Albus owled me in regards to the picture. The matter has been settled. If you even try to punish my student, I will forward a copy of this picture to Mrs. Fudge. Her husband isn't very good at hiding himself, is he? If one looks very closely, one can just see him hiding behind that bush.

Have a day, Delores. Notice I didn't wish you a nice one.

S. Snape

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Albus,

You may want to consider a search of Delores Umbridge's office and quarters. She is acting rather strangely.

Severus

[merrymarge]

Snape- Dumbledore has asked that I search Delores Umbridge's office and quarters. care to join me?
Mad-Eye Moody

[Sinistra_Furze]

Alastor

Were Umbridge’s quarters the only shelter to be had from a herd of rampaging hippigriffs you could not persuade me to go anywhere near them. If you do find the missing flowers there please bring them to me straightaway. I only hope they are not too spoiled to use in a project I have been planning for some time. The loss would be quite a blow.

Regards

Severus

--- --- ---

Professor Snape

I have had an appointment cancelled at the last-minute, so I am no longer obliged to decline your invitation to work on an antidote. If you would send, by return owl, information on the potion you wish to brew I will familiarise myself with it before visiting the School.
Are there any ingredients I need to bring with me, besides the usual crate of sweets for the sugar addicted staff?

Sincerely

Hermione Granger

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Hermione,

I have all the necessary here for the potion. I hate to ask, but would you pick up some of those little cat treats you bought at the Muggle supermarket? I think they were called "Bonkers" or something? Snarks is bonkers over them. And if you can find them, a couple of those Snickers? bars and some of those peanut butter cups and a Mr. Goodbar?

Thank you for this.

Severus

PS= Don't tell anybody I like Muggle candy!

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Severus,

The search of Umbridge's rooms has been finished. You are not going to believe this, but we found a huge blown up photograph of you on her wall, apparently it has been charmed to say things such as "Good morning, Beautiful" "I love you baby" and to blow kisses. We are not supposed to take anything that's not illegal, but my Auror in Training, Mr. Potter, was very ticked off about it. Appparently he dislikes Umbridge more than he dislikes you! Imagine that!

Anyway, we tried to get it down, but it has the strongest permanent sticking charm on it I've ever seen! So we left it.

Sincerely,
A. Moody

[Sinistra_Furze]

Alastor

I have ordered your favourite sweets under the pretence of asking them for myself, thus protecting your reputation as …well, your reputation. You owe me; now find a way to destroy that travesty of a poster before anyone else sees it. I also have a reputation to maintain and it isn’t as that toad’s pet.

Severus


--- --- ---


Professor Snape, Sir

I’m sorry to disturb you at this late hour, but could you come to the Slytherin common room. I accidentally left my book on duelling on a chair for someone to see, while I played chess with Noxious. Now Tersius is stuck to the ceiling. He’s been there for hours and we’ve tried everything, Sir.

Yours regretfully

Siggy Whetstone

[SadiraSnape]

Siggy --

I distinctly recall advising you to not practice without supervision; perhaps I wasn't clear enough, or you didn't make the logical leap that this was an advanced book and shouldn't be used by anyone without supervision.

I shall be there directly. I also shall be confiscating the book. You may continue to study it, but you will have to essentially check it out from me. That will probably work best, as then we may practice what you have read.

Prof Snape

-------------------

Sevvy dear --

Can you tell me why that horrid Auror is in my quarters trying to take down my scrumptious poster of you? He keeps blasting it with different rather clumsily cast spells, and snickering to himself whenever the image scurries out of the way or shouts at him. I put it up with a special spell I alone know, since I created it, and it will never come down.

Oh dear!! He just fired a Pergamenum Dilaniatus at it!! I must go stop him!! Could you please come down and assist?

Yours,

Dolly

[GrimeldaDursley]

Undear Doldrum:

I will not, under any cicumstances, assist you. What part of "I despise you" do you not understand? Is your brain as thick as your neck? Do you not understand that I will ruin you, I will utterly destroy your reputation, which I daresay, is on the rocks as it is at this time? I was not bluffing. If you do not cease and desist this very instant, I will not hesitate to send that incriminating picture to Mrs. Fudge, and you know what will happen then!

Leave me alone, you delusional cow.

S. Snape
================================================== ==================================

Professor Snape:

As Alastor told you, we had to give up on removing that picture. I did manage to alter it a little bit, and change the things it said though. Instead of "Hello there Beautiful" it nows says "What, you again?" and instead of "I Love you Baby" it now says "I hate you, you hideous toad". And instead of blowing kisses, it now makes very rude noises. I also switched the candy in her dish for an identical Weasley"s Wizard's Wheezes product called Flatulence Fancies".

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

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Severus,
Delores Umbridge has been forced to take an extended leave of absence, due to a sudden mysterious malady involving excessive flatulence, which could have proved to be very distracting in her classes. Not to mention possibly being toxic to others.

I know you will try and rise above your despair over this, and press on.

Albus

[Pokota]

Albus,

What despair? I haven't felt this good since the Marauders got an entire year's detention.

~Severus
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Snape,

Please come to our shop at your earliest convenience. It's about the toad - we think she drank one of our experimental Everlasting Lust Potions with you as the object, but we can't wrap our heads around how she would have gotten one in the first place.

~Liza Zabini

[GrimeldaDursley]

Liza:

Please tell me you are referring to an actual toad, as repugnant as this may sound. You are not referring to....an event that may cause me to have to leave the country permanently, I hope. Please enlighten me as soon as possible.

Your immediate response would be greatly appreciated.

S. Snape

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Hermione,

Thank you very much for the Snickers bar and the little card with it. It was very humorous. I am enjoying the candy as I write. I always liked these.
Severus
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Severus,

Has everyone at this place gone crazy? Are you all right? You look so stressed! And do you know, someone came in my room and stole all the Snickers bars I had picked up. And there's some nasty rumors going on around here, too. I don't think if any candy turns up in your office or rooms that you don't remember getting, that I would eat it! It could have been tampered with, if you get my meaning.

Hermione
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