Ask Snape - The Game

[GrimeldaDursley]

tear stained letter from Hagrid:

Professor Snape [boo-hoo-hoo] I went and ruined my chances with Madame Maxime! [boo-hoo-hoo] I tole her she was getting a little heavy, I din mean no harm, just suggested she eat more salad sometime....[oh boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!]

Hagrid
================================================== ===================================
Severus:

Hot, huh? I'll show you hot if you don't hurry up! What's wrong with you? Are you reading letters from all your fangirls again? One more time, Severus! Hurry up. McGonagal and Flitwick are ready to get in a fistfight, though I'm sure he could only punch her in the knee!

Hermione

[Pokota]

To everyone, everywhere:

Try finite incantatem. That particular potion was designed so that the spell would work as a countermeasure - not that we generally made that information public in the past.

S. Snape.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

I hope you will excuse me for whatever insults I happened to bestow upon you yesterday evening. This situation has become rather dangerous, as this is the second time in so many days that food has been tampered with. While it has simply seemed to be just a harmless joke these past two times, I feel that this person or persons must be stopped before something more sinister happens. I was preparing certain measures to be taken, and will still proceed with them, though, unfortunately, some
anonymus person has contacted the Ministry, and now the Aurors will be involved.

As I write, all dormitories and teacher's offices and living quarters are being searched, and all foodstuffs and drinks are being seized and inspected for contaminates. Alastor Moody has also stationed two Aurors in the kitchens to inspect all food and drink before it can be served. They will be here until the culprit or culprits is caught.

I am sending a notice to all staff and teachers, asking for their full cooperation in this matter.

Albus

PS- Miss Granger was really miffed at you, though, especially when you told her that when she wears her hair pulled up in those two bunches, that she reminded you of Minnie Mouse!
================================================== ====================================

Albus,

I accept your apology for the references to my scrawny backside and that ugly comment you made about my hair. I also offer my sincere apologies to any references I made regarding your age, mentality, and whatever. Miss Granger is proving a little difficult, though, but I think she will be all right with everything. I have gifted her and Mr. Whetstone with tickets to the big dueling match next Saturday. That made her smile a little.

As to the Aurors, maybe it's for the best. I am growing tired of having to sniff and dissect everything I eat.

Severus
================================================== ====================================

Professor Snape,

Does all this mean my detention is cancelled?

Noxious
================================================== ==================================

[Pokota]

Noxious

NO.

~S. Snape

----------

Dear Professor Snape;

What did you mean, saying I was dead? Last I checked, I'm very much alive.

~The Dark Lord

[Sinistra_Furze]

To the self styled "Dark Lord"-

You are unlikely to convince anyone that you have risen from the grave by sending messages consisting of torn-out words from yesterday's Daily Prophet. Believe me, no aspiring Tyrant above the age of 13 would consider this an effective means of communication.

Stay dead - or it's detention for a month when I catch you.

Prof Snape


--- --- ---


Albus

Sadly, I will not be able to supervise Hogsmeade weekend as you requested. Expecting to have the weekend free I took the great liberty of arranging for myself as excursion, and will not be back until Sunday afternoon. I’m afraid Prof Granger will not be available either, she is taking Whetstone to see the Marston Duelling Contest. Perhaps a spare Auror or two would fill in for you?

Incidentally, have they made any progress in their search of the School? I don’t think we will survive another staff meeting without casualties if the culprit manages to tamper with the food again. I never knew Filius was capable of such…well, you remember.

Regrets

Severus


--- --- ---


Professor Snape, Sir

Thank you so much for the tickets to see the Duelling Contest on Saturday. I’m looking forward to going with Hermione. I’ll watch out for some of the hexes you were teaching me. I think when I’m old enough to enter I’ll wear white robes and call myself “Little Egret”. What do you think, Sir?

I hope the Aurors find who is responsible soon and go away. They ask lots of obvious questions but they don’t listen very well. The thing is, Sir, when everyone was under the influence of that potion and saying what they were thinking it was….relaxing, Sir. I didn’t have to try to work out what they really meant because their thoughts and words were the same.

What I don’t understand, and you did say I could come to you with questions Sir, is why Hermione didn’t say all those nice things about you before? She’s been thinking them for ages.

Thanks again

Siggy Whetstone

[GrimeldaDursley]

Mr. Whetstone,

She has? I mean, I hope you are not intruding into Miss Granger's mind without her permission. How can I answer your question? All right, Miss Granger, as you have noticed, is a woman. How women think is a mystery that gets more complex the longer you live. The more you get to know them, the less you actually know.
Understand?
Professor Snape
================================================== =================================
Severus,

Would you like to come have tea with me today? All my food has been cleared as "safe".
Please circle
Yes or No

hahahahahahahaha!

Hermione

[LoonyLuna22]

Dear Snapers,
Why don't you lighten up? This whole all black straight jacket thing and taking 10 years to get out a sentance is getting old. Try wearing color and (gasp) smiling for a change. Like this .. However if you are trying to be emo, then you will need eyeliner, an earring and a thorough knowledge of wizard rock bands.
signed,
A concerned female

[SadiraSnape]

Concerned --

Your concern is unwarranted and unappreciated. My choice of dress is mine own and requires no commentary from the likes of you; suffice to say it is utilitarian. As for my speech patterns, you obviously have me confused with that hack who portrays me in those regrettable motion pictures -- Adam Rickles, or something like that.

I assure you, I am not the actor, nor is he me. Interesting, but I find my ... fans (eurgh) ... rarely confuse us, but my detractors constantly do so. Perhaps that says something about the relative intelligence of the two groups. I certainly believe it does.

Regarding eyeliner, earrings and wizard "rock", allow me to remind you that I grew up during the salad days of acid rock and metal. I was goth before goth was cool. You pretenders to the genre greatly amuse me.

Smiling is something I do quite regularly, especially when presented with a missive such as yours. In fact, I've been grinning like a mad thing the entire time I've been composing this response.

Do not bother me again.

Professor S Snape

--------------

Hermione --



Is 4 pm good for you?

Severus

---------------

Sir --

I know who has been tampering with the food around here. If I could meet with you for tea, I'll let you know; obviously I don't want to write it in an owl.

This afternoon?

Siggy

[GrimeldaDursley]

Hermione,

I hope you don't mind, but I would like to bring Mr, Whetstone with me when I come to tea, he claims he knows who has been tampering with the food. I hope it will not pose an inconveniece to you, I plan to glean the information from him, perhaps give him a couple of teacakes, and send him on his way.

By the way, is Snarks with you? I haven't seen her all afternoon.

I will see you shortly.

Severus
================================================== ====================================

Severus,

I just thought you need to know your little kitten has somehow climbed to the uppermost branches of
the Whomping Willow, and apparently cannot get down. I have subdued the tree for now, but at my age, I certainly cannot be scrambling up there among the branches! You probably want to come up here and take care of this. I cannot keep subduing the tree, as it might prove harmful to it.

Thank you for your immediate attention.

Pomona Sprout

[LoonyLuna22]

Your concern is unwarranted and unappreciated. My choice of dress is mine own and requires no commentary from the likes of you; suffice to say it is utilitarian. As for my speech patterns, you obviously have me confused with that hack who portrays me in those regrettable motion pictures -- Adam Rickles, or something like that.

I assure you, I am not the actor, nor is he me. Interesting, but I find my ... fans (eurgh) ... rarely confuse us, but my detractors constantly do so. Perhaps that says something about the relative intelligence of the two groups. I certainly believe it does.

Regarding eyeliner, earrings and wizard "rock", allow me to remind you that I grew up during the salad days of acid rock and metal. I was goth before goth was cool. You pretenders to the genre greatly amuse me.

Smiling is something I do quite regularly, especially when presented with a missive such as yours. In fact, I've been grinning like a mad thing the entire time I've been composing this response.

Do not bother me again.

Dear Snaples,

I'm sorry to have gotten you confused with Mr. Alan Rickman. I am actually one of your biggest supporters, and have defended you extensively to many of your "haters". I was merely suggesting ways in which you could make yourself a little more liked by the general public who neglect to see the shades of grey in the human condition, and are so shallow as to judge by outward appearance and minor details.
I am happy that my letter has made you smile, even if it was probably more of a smirk. And the eyeliner thing? I, once again, am confusing you with Rickman, who would look really good in eyeliner..
Signed,
Apologetic
p.s. Sorry about the whole James/Lily love triangle thing. She clearly made a mistake, in choosing him. You're pretty handy with potions, why didn't you just slip her a love potion?

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Professor Snape,

I seem to be getting a barrage of letters from a very confused woman, telling me how to dress, and of all things, even offering makeup tips. I was wondering if this has been happening to you also.

Sincerely,
AR
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Apologetic:

I have no time for this right now, as I need to go retrieve my cat from a tree. Later on, expect a very scathing epistle from me.

S. Snape
================================================== ================================

Dear Hermione,

As it is well past 6:00, I can be sure you've noticed I didn't make it to tea this afternoon. My sincere apologies. I owe you an explanation for my rudeness. I am, as I write, in the Hospital Wing, under the dubious ministrations of Madame Pomfrey. It seems that when attempting to rescue Snarks from the top of the Whomping Willow, in my haste I forgot...well let's just say I forgot a few fundamentals.
I am supposed to remain here for at least tonight, as I have been informed that I am suffering from 4 cracked ribs, a minor concusssion, a black eye, and a broken wrist. Oh the indignity of this! I have been forced to drink an entire bottle of Skelegrow. And the broken wrist is my wand arm. So no chance of somehow performing a minor hex on this woman so I can get out of here and suffer in peace!

Amusing in a bleak sort of way, before I lost consciousness, Snarks was already down and right there! What did she do, fly down?

Would you do me a favor and come to the hospital wing and take her for the night? She is currently on my head doing that kneading thing that cats always do, and frankly, it hurts! I mean, it doesn't hurt at all, really. Just come and get her, would you?


Painfully,
Severus

[merrymarge]

Severus, I'll be happy to take Snarks for you. I'm sure she'll get along fine with Crookshanks.
Hermione

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

My dear boy, you certainly have had a run of bad luck this past two days! Poor Poppy was at her wit's end, she thought you had brain damage, you kept muttering, "She can fly" and "Cat's don't fly, do they?" and other things that she was too embarrassed to tell me.

I have a bit of good news that will cheer you up considerably. Miss Granger was frantic when she heard the news of your injuries, and rushed to the hospital wing with intention of seeing how you were, and of course to get Snarks for the night so you could rest. You probably won't remember this as poor Poppy, exasperated by your complaining and demands to be released, slipped you a very strong pain potion, which she says knocked you out completely, much to her relief. To make a long story short, Miss Granger and Snarks never made it back to her rooms, she sat there by your bedside all night, despite the good Madame Pomfrey's objections.

Another tidbit of good news is the culprit has been identified, and it was not a student. Also the two incidents were not related, Delores Umbridge has confessed to the first one. The perpetrator of the staff room incident is none other than...I think I'll let Miss Granger tell you that.

Unfortunately, Alastor owled me earlier and has told me that due to an overdose of the potion-that-must-not-be-named [Sorry I couldn't resist that!] Ms. Umbridge is currently unfit to stand trial and has been admitted to St. Mungo's for observation. Apparently she misread the instructions, and dosed herself, thinking it would enhance the results, and also unfortunately, thinking "more is better".

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Albus

PS- Due to the current turn of events, you may wish to cancel Mr. Blaxenhall's detention. For once, he didn't do it!

================================================== ================================================== ===========
Hermione,

Thank you wholeheartedly for your concern over me when I was incapacitated. It wasn't necessary to hover over me like that. However, it was nice of you, and I do appreciate it, though I hate it that you had to see me in such a state. I hope Snarks isn't too much trouble. I think she can fly. No, that's absurd!

I am going stir crazy here, that dratted woman says I may be here another day. There is a student in a bed nearby making the most god-awful retching noises.

I look forward to hearing the news Albus says you are going to tell me about the Staffroom incident.

Severus

PS- Please don't tell me I talked in my sleep!

[merrymarge]

Dolores Umbridge was admitted to St. Mungo's Hospital today at 8:30 p.m. She is currently on the fourth floor, in the same ward as Prof. Lockhart. She thinks Prof. Lockhart is wonderful. Prof. Lockhart has no idea who Dolores is, but he keeps giving her his autographed pictures, which she hangs up on the walls around her bed.
A healer from St. Mungo's.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

I heard about your misfortune, and I am very sorry. I hope you mend quickly.
The word is that you broke your wrist, and on your wand arm too! Perhaps that will give me a little advantage the next time we practice our dueling! Just kidding!

Sincerely,

Filius
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Dear Severus,

I don't love you anymore. I have a real boyfriend now, and he has the most lovely golden curls, which shine around his head like a halo.

Sincerely,
Delores

[Pokota]

Dumbledore;

At the risk of being too candid, that one letter had more good news for me in it than you realized.

Blaxenhall's original detention was because he refused to report to my office for questioning about the incident, not because he was guilty of the incident. Since then, he has found many ways to avoid serving detention - two notable cases being the impersonations of Madam Pomfrey and He-Who-Has-Finally-Died. The detentions stand.

~S.Snape.

----------

Umbridge;

I would offer my condolences, but the two of you are perfect for each other. Although, now I must wonder why you're in the Permanent Residency ward.

~S.Snape

----------

Lockheart;

I would offer my condolences, but the two of you are perfect for each other. Although, now I must wonder why she's in the Permanent Residency ward.

~S.Snape

----------

Filius;

I think Snarks can fly. As for our dueling, I am currently doing research on ambidexterity. Were you aware that Salazar Slytherin was not actually left-handed?

~S.Snape

----------

Alan;

Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

~Sev

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Siggy;

ROR, ten minutes.

~SS

----------

Professor Snape:

Do you believe in the day?

~Concerned

[LoonyLuna22]

Concerned,
I find your cryptic messages tiresome. Explain yourself!
S.S

Snapester,
Are you and Alan friends? Does Alan know that he's playing a real character? I'm not sure why I should be anticipating a scathing letter when I told you how I've defended you, but whatever... Do you think Lily would have chosen you if you looked like Alan? (I'm thinking polyjuice potion) And what about the whole love potion thing? How could you let a bespeckled dork with a prep school haircut take Lily from you? Have you considered shampoo?
"Always"
Scorned Snape/Alan fan

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Scorned Snape/Alan fan,

Oh very well. Thank you for your defense of me I suppose. While I will always have a special place for Lily in my heart, that is all in the past now. While I will never like James Potter, I have gotten past that also. His son has turned out to be a very decent young man, actually. And as for love potions, we have seen what happens when one tries to tamper with nature in that manner. You could ask Dumbledore to tell you the story of a young woman named Merope Gaunt, who did exactly this, with disastrous results.

As to Mr. Rickshaw [or whatever his name is] I had never even heard of him until he was brought to my attention recently. And I do not resemble him, he resembles me somewhat.
Tale some advice, Scorned: Muggle celebrities do not take kindly to being harrassed. I think they call it "stalking" and it is a punishable offense under Muggle Law.

How I wish the Wizarding world's laws were as strict on this.

Sincerely,
S. Snape
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Severus,

I will be visiting you shortly with a bit of news. Then I will be leaving the school for the afternoon, as I need to take care of a certain matter, which you will realise why, once I tell you my news.

Hermione
PS- Please, please cooperate with Madame Pomfrey. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to get out of there.

[Sinistra_Furze]

Mr Cooper

I have had a word with the School Elves to ensure you are provided with suitable beverages at mealtimes. It is unfortunate you are allergic to pumpkin juice but now you are aware of the issue I hope most sincerely that there is not a repeat of the events of last night.

Prof Snape


--- --- ----


Dept for Control of Magical Creatures
Ministry of Magic

Professor Snape

It has come to our attention that a cat with magical attributes resides with you at Hogwarts and is currently unregistered. We are sending an official to inspect the creature to assess its abilities and to decide if it is safe to leave under your supervision or if it needs to be removed. You will understand after the fatal incident with Mr Oldbridge we must be very careful to ensure the safety of staff and students first and foremost.

The official will call on Saturday morning when you have no classes, I believe. Please be ready to sign the paperwork. Non-attendance may result in the creature being taken into protective custody until a full assessment can be made.

Yours sincerely

Wentworth Fustier
Senior Assessor



--- --- ---


Napp and Daughters
Diagon Alley
London

Professor Snape

Your new Duelling robes are enclosed. I am certain you will appreciate the new lightweight fabrics, spelled to resist tear, burn and liquid. They will provide superior protection in the arena, durability and fresh appearance even after the toughest contest. We have, at no extra cost, had your symbol the heron embroidered on the breast of the jacket.
The colour scheme, of dark grey, black, and white trim is quite stunning.

It is our pleasure to serve you and we wish you every success in your future endeavours. Should you like any modifications to the design we are ready at short notice to accommodate you. We would like to reassure you of our complete confidentiality for all customers.

Yours sincerely

C Napp

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

Just warning you, Hermione has just left our house, and is on her way back to Hogwarts. I have never seen her this angry. Ron said some really ugly things to her. She said some very ugly things to him. She says she is done with him. Then, Lavender dropped in unexpectedly. Won-won has gone off somewhere with her, probably to a pub.

All they do is fight, fight, fight. I almost wish they'd meet someone else, both of them.

Be on the look-out for her, will you? She's on a broom, as she was too ticked off to disapparate or else was so mad she forgot she could.

When I say I wish they'd just give it up, I really mean it. Ginny agrees. Too much drama. I know she seems hold you in high regard, so if you want to keep it that way, don't provoke her.

Sincerely,
Harry

PS- If Ginny's broom is still in one piece when she gets there, could you please have her send it back?
================================================== ====================================

Severus,

I had to stop a minute and breathe. I swear by Merlin's tighty-whities that I will get him for this!

Gotta Fly,

Hermione