Ask Snape - The Game

[GrimeldaDursley]

Albus,

Something very strange is going on around here, yet again. Earlier today, as I was strolling the grounds, I spied a number of women wallking up the front walkway to the castle, Molly Weasley, Nymphadora Tonks, Madame Maxime, and Narcissa Malfoy among them. This in itself was not unusual, as I know sometimes peple do visit here, but not often in, how shall I word this, such a large pack. Anyway, as I had my own fish to fry [a favorite saying of a friend of mine] I put it out of my mind.

But then, upon going into the library to ask Madame Pince about acquiring a certain book for a student, I was greeted by the scowling countenance of none other than Argus Filch, who informed me that Madame Pince had disappered somewhere. Needless to say, I did not get the book, and so proceeded to visit Miss Granger. Siggy and Morpheous were there, and I was informed by Mr. Whetstone that he had no idea where she was.

After a while, I realised that Albus, there is not a single female teacher or staff member anywhere to be found! Hearing laughter, and talking, I rushed to the window to see even more women, this time some of my acquaintances from Spinner's end arriving. The school seems to filling up with women, yet there are no women to be seen anywhere. I wonder if they are going to declare war on us or something.

Oh, Siggy Whetstone has informed me that there is wild laughter and loud talking coming from the upper room in the North Tower. From Miss Cooper's room, apparently. I wonder what they are doing up there! Filius is terrified they might be conspiring something. Apparently Minerva is still steaming over his unfortunate remark. We are going to go and try to sneak up there to see what they are up to. Would you like to join us?

Severus
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INTERGALACTIC MESSENGER AUTOMATRONIC OWL FOR:

*Severus Snape*
If you are the party named, please deposit 1 Sickle in The Automatronic Owl's Beak


*Clunk* * Beep-de-boop-boop-boop*

Thank you. Message loading....Message now transmitting:

Greetings Professor Snape. This is Captain Jimbo T. Snape of the intergalactic Snarkship Innuendo. It appears that a time-space portal has indeed been opened. My science officer, Mr. Loopy, has determined that there is only one way to close this portal. Wanna hear it? By the way, just call me Jimbo. The way to close the portal is...

*beep-de-boop-boop-boop"

*The time alloted to hear this message has expired. You have 30 seconds to deposit another sickle to continue.*

*Please Deposit One Sickle to Continue.*

*Crash!*

*Warning! Warning! Drop-kicking the Intergalatic Automatronic Owl Messenger out the window is not acceptable! beeeep-de boooop...*

[merrymarge]

Ha,ha, ha, ha. this whole page is the funniest that I ever read. Intergalactic Automatic Owl Messenger, Snape and MS. Cooper, vanishing women, I can't stop laughing!!!
Severus, what potions have you been drinking?
a curious student

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Curious Student:

Do you not have some studying to do?

Sincerely,

Professor Snape or Sir to You
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Albus,

Since you obviously have no interest in what is going on, I almost feel like not telling you anything, but as I take my position seriously, I must go against my feelings on this matter and enlighten you.

I recruited Filius and off we set to solve the mystery. We no sooner arrived at the foot of the North Tower when a lage hand grabbed us and uncerimoniusly pulled us behind the hedge. Once recovering ourselves, we found ourselves in the company of non other than Hagrid, Lupin, and Lucius Malfoy, still attired in Narcissa's dress and yes, a lampshade. I have tried to stay away from Lucius and Narcissa's problems, but you can be assured I will be owling Narcissa this evening. If anyone needs an intervention, I think her husband does. Anyway, we decided that Filius, being the lightest, would levitate up to the balcony to see inside. He was up there for a few seconds, lost his concentration, and fell, fortunately being caught by Hagrid. He was babbling something about a" women's garments" party. Now I thought, what kind of garment needs to sold at a blasted party? Filius was simply useless. Next, Hagrid went up, after considerable effort of Lupin and myself. Apparently he saw Maxime in some sort of get-up, and fainted dead away, falling and nearly crushing Lucius. Lupin declined to up there, he just stood there and chainsmoked. I know the man has problems, but he was a nervous wreck. So it was up to me as usual. I flew up and peered over the balconey railing. The female laughter was reaching a piercing crescendo by this time, and as I peered in, I saw ...Miss Granger! I gasped and you could have heard a pin drop. They all came at me, Albus, saying such nonsense as "Hey little boy, wanna play dress-up?" I barely escaped intact. And then it was like I was never there, the whooping and the flowing of elf-made wine obviously increasing.

And all would have been well but for Lucius. Upon finding out what they were up to, he was very angry that he was not invited, and went up there and before we could do anything, was pulled inside.

Poor Lucius. I hope he survives.

Sincerely,
Severus

PS- I think it would be very prudent of you to speak to Miss Cooper about the proper conduct expected of Hogwart's students. Women's Garment party indeed!

[Sinistra_Furze]

Prof Granger

I have to say I am disappointed that you chose to listen in to my sleepy ramblings while I was indisposed in the infirmary. I hope you do not rely upon whatever I might have said to be a reliable indicator of either events past or of my present concerns. And no, I don’t want to “talk about it in person”.

Prof Snape

--- --- ---

Severus

I don’t see what the problem is. Miss Cooper asked if the ladies might have a private party of invited guests and I was happy to oblige them. After all, you had the freedom to pursue your own interests at the weekend – why should they not now?

I am surprised and disappointed that you not only spied on a private party, but see fit to pass judgement on their innocuous activities. They are all of age and responsible for their own actions. If you wish to be of assistance I suggest you offer a listening ear to Lucius, whose conduct of late has genuinely been questionable. I'm sure no lasting harm will have come to him tonight.

Now go to bed and leave the Ladies to their fun. You have exceeded your responsibility and your interference will not have been appreciated. I suggest you prepare a few apologies for tomorrow, Severus.

Albus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Well, Severus,

I wonder what you will have to say for yourself? Did you get an eye full? I saw you at the window, like a common Peeping Tom! I always believed, and still do, as a matter of fact, that when people talk in their sleep, they sometimes, no most of the time, tell what they are feeling, especially when they are under the influence of strong medication. Yet you dismiss my questions like maybe you are in fact ashamed that you told me in "your sleepy ramblings" that you actually, well never mind, Severus! I am beginning to think you are just as big of a prat as Ron!

And another thing, you big stick-in-the-mud, maybe you should take a leaf out of The Heron's book and be more like him. I'll bet he wouldn't have been caught dead peeping into women's windows!

And you should be ashamed of yourself for not helping Lucius the other night. Narcissa told me she asked you to go fetch him from that Muggle jail because she had little to no experience in dealing with Muggles. As a matter of fact I ended up being the one to go get him out for her. Lucius has a genuine problem, a more pressing one than trying to spy and see what we ladies were doing, which, by the way, was none of your business! I know Lucius has done some very bad things in his time, but Severus, the man is sick and needs some help. Narcissa told me how you have avoided meeting Lucius every time he has wanted to meet you and talk. Maybe if you had just been a little less selfish, things wouldn't have gone this far out of hand. Narcissa and I went late last night and had Lucius admitted to a rehab program that is run by St. Mungo's. They really love each other, you know. Unlike someone else I know, who seems to only love himself! Or is so prideful he won't let himself love anybody.

The tone of your letter really hurt me deeply. I am sorry I infringed on your privacy, when you were ill. I guess I have been mistaken about so many things.

Hermione
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*Flappity flappity doing flappity flappity sproing pop grind flappity flappity...Plop!*

INTERGALATIC HOWLER MESSAGE CAPSULE- No deposit required.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssssssssssssssssss!

This is Captain Jimbo T. Snape of the Snarkship Innuendo. Just call me Jimbo, by the way! Now why did you damage my INTERGALACTIC AUTOMATRONIC OWL MESSANGER DEVICE? This will take weeks to fix. Now I'll never tell you, never, how to close the Portal! So there! By the way, did I tell you to just call me Jimbo? Deal with the problem yourself!

You twit!

THIS HOWLER WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS!



BOOM!

[merrymarge]

Yoo-hoo, Professor, Professor Sna-a-ape! Say would you like to come up and see our Unmentionables? we are having a special party and would like you to be the guest of honor. um-hum, that's right big boy, come up and see us some time, hehehehe!

[GrimeldaDursley]

Albus,

I am not going to apologise to anybody for simply doing my job! I see that you turn a blind eye to the activities of Ms. Cooper, and she has become one of your pets. I sent a rather nasty little epistle to Miss Granger, who is now angry with me. And when I sought to return some of Ms. Cooper's items I found outside to her, she grabbed the items from me and slammed her door in my face!

I have been under extreme duress these past few days. And now I am being harassed by some woman claiming to be my long lost twin, some other person who keeps making fun of me, and Space Owls! I have enough on my plate! I shouldn't have been so ugly to Miss Granger! I just was worried that she was meeting the Orange One to make up with him! And those Space Owls are quite unnerving beep-de-booping around at the most inopportune of times! Gah! I think I hear one now!

Phew, false alarm! It was only the cat!

I would like to request a leave of absence for a few days. Maybe I'll go home to Spinner's End. At least there I am appreciated.

Severus

================================================== ====================================

Severus,

Thank you for your support with my husband. Miss Granger and I will be going to search for Lucius's wand tomorrow, which he apparently dropped somewhere in the cemetary.

You Selfish Twit.
Narcissa

[merrymarge]

Quick, get Spinner's End ready, I have heard the the Master, Prof. Snape is coming home.
Maybe he will stay longer than a few days. He is.... ahhhggg!

something has happened at Spinner's End. Not sure what happened yet. stay tune!

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sir,

We received your owl and everything is ready for you and Snarks. Except you need to know that someone threw a little metal owl through the window and it won't stop going beep-de-boop and saying the most nasty rhymes about you. We can't seem to do anything to destroy it. Or at least shut it up! Maybe you can do something about it when you get here.

Grimmy

[SadiraSnape]

My dear Irregulars --

I believe the metal owls are from yet another reality, one where the Olympians still exist. I seem to remember a motion picture with one in it, and you realize of course that anything that is imagined comes to exist at some point in the space-time continuum...

Just capture it as best you can. I shall deal with it when I return. I would appreciate it if you lot could take your silliness into the upper floors of the house, as I would like a bit of peace and quiet for a change.

And sweep up the damn glitter. I don't care who or what is behind this monstrous Glittelution or whatever you are calling it, it gets everywhere and into everything. My last cup of tea at the End was most horribly befouled by pink glitter.

SS

--------------

Narcissa --

I sincerely apologize for not reclaiming Lucius from the clutches of the Muggle constabulary when you asked -- I was quite indisposed at the time myself. Suffice to say I made a rather serious mistake in the brewing of an important potion, which is quite uncharacteristic of me. I have been under a great deal of stress lately, and have decided to take a short leave from Hogwarts.

I went to the cemetery in question and found Lucius' wand for you. It accompanies this owl.

Apologetically,

Severus

-------------

Hermione --

You deserve a very abject and sincere apology for my actions at Ms. Cooper's tower. I, and the rest of us, were not intending to "peek" at you -- we were simply curious and I, for one, was quite concerned. I have exchanged some owls with Ms. Cooper and have found her to be a bit unstable -- one moment she is formal and polite, the next she is wanting me to be Rhett to her Scarlett!!

I do not mean to be a prat, and I can assure I did not author the owl you received most recently. I have a sneaking suspicion though that a rift has opened between our reality and several others. I will need your Arithmantic skills as well as your admirable knowledge of almost everything to effect a repair to this rift.

Could we please let bygones be bygones? And like you, I also believe that one's deepest truths can be divulged under the influence of strong potions; if I said what I believe I did, I can assure you it was true.

Yours

Sev

P.S. the burgundy number you had on suited you quite beautifully. I particularly enjoyed the way the silk and the satin shimmered and glowed as you moved across the room -- so much so that I nearly forgot to dodge! I wouldn't mind seeing it again....

----------------

Captain.... Jimbo, is it?

I apologize for drop-kicking your INTERGALACTIC AUTOMATRONIC OWL MESSENGER DEVICE into the middle of next week. It was quite annoying, constantly asking for another Sickle. Seems to me if the message were so important, you would not have sent it postage due.

I have noticed rather odd things happening around here, and I believe it is due to a rift in the time-space continuum. I would appreciate it if you could assist me in closing it. If you'd rather not, a chap just arrived in a telephone booth claiming to be a Doctor who says he can assist.

Oh, another chap has appeared as well, wearing a Burberry long coat and a devilish grin, who claims he can repair it as well. Says he's from Torchwood or some such.

I really don't care who fixes it, I'd just like to see it repaired. I'm getting dreadfully confused.

Prof S Snape

-----------------

Prof Snape:

It comes as quite a surprise to me that you are a real person; I had it from Ms. Rowling that she created you when we were discussing my taking on the role.

Have you seen the pictures? What did you think of my portrayal of you? I certainly hope I did not offend you; I took my basis from the books and attempted to incorporate as much of that as possible, despite some of the directors we had.

I found your story quite strong and extremely touching. It was an honour to portray you, sir.

Best wishes,

Alan Rickman

[GrimeldaDursley]

Sir,

Please get here as fast as you can! The more we try to vanish the glitter, the more the volume of it grows! The same with just plain old sweeping! We are literally swimming in glitter! It's even in the toilet! And Alastor's eye is lost somewhere in here too. I hope it's not in the toilet! Yuck! Gah, it's exploded out of the chimney! The whole of Spinner's End is covered in this mess. This is a real glitter debaucle, Sir! Hurry hurry hurry up! Oh great. I thought Lucius was in rehab! He's cavorting down the street saying he's the Tooth Fairy. Oh good, the people from St. Mungo's caught him! That poor man! They shouldn't be so rough with him! Oh please hurry up!

Grimmy

[SadiraSnape]

A pox upon thee, Irregulars. Must I do everything myself? It's obviously a simple Multiplying charm -- thank Merlin there's no Calefacio on the damnable stuff, since the house is dry as tinder and would go up in an instant...

Try Attenuatus on it. That should work to reduce the amount until I can get there.

I'm bringing some acquaintances along as well -- a Doctor who refuses to tell me his name, simply saying "Doctor Who?" every time I ask, and a chap calling himself Captain Jack Harkness. Quite a swashbuckler, so please restrict yourselves to the upper rooms. He'd go through you lot like a hot knife through butter.

I believe he's more Lupin's type, anyway...

SS

------------

Sev --

Thank you for the apology. That's all I ever ask for. Something Ron never learned.

You seem rather overloaded right now -- as a favor to you, I think I shall take Siggy to visit Bath this weekend, and shall supervise him this week. I've already told Albus I'll take your DADA classes.

Let me know if there's anything I can help you with about this rift you're talking about.

Yours,

Hermione

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus:

What are you playing at? I have not received a single bit of child support from you for month's. You think it was funny, huh, sending that owl with an envelope full of pink glitter, do you? I have to get the twins wands and stuff, they are starting at Hogwarts! You do remember the twins don't you Severus? Damien and Dementia, your beautiful children? You foul old Billy Goat! I'll have you in front of the Wizengamot, I will.

Your ex,
Grimelda

PS- I cannot believe that you used be that sweet man who used to call me his Grimmy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++
Dear Brother, oh where art thou?

Severina
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++

Sir,

You should see the moon tonight! It's so bright and pretty! Argh! Awooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!I'm coming for you Romulus my love! Awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Grimmy

[GrimeldaDursley]

Sir, We used all those spells already. Even Alastor couldn't stop it, but the good news is is he found his eye, thank goodness it wasn't in the toilet! And he found out after replacing his eye, that he could see that the glitter was actually coming out of the owl. Since no spells could stop or destroy it, he busted it to pieces with a sledgehammer. All the glitter is gone, Sir. All Muggle witnesses Obliviated. I am going to bed, I feel a migraine coming on. Let yourself in, Sir.

Grimmy

Who is this Jimbo person? He's waiting for you in the living room. he's kinda sexy. In a Captain Kirkish kind of way.

[Hes]

Okay guys this isn't the bash character X thread. If you guys can't have a decent game without bashing, cursing or suggestive content etc this stops now. This is an area where minors should feel happy to post in. The way this is going it's out of control.

[Pokota]

Dolores;

Exactly what potion did you steal from my offices? The past few weeks, everybody at Hogwarts has been having hallucinations, the Spinners End Irregulars have been attacking everything and everyone, and somehow I've gotten the idea that a rift in the space-time continuum had opened - at one point I was seeing three of myself.

Thankfully, Dumbledore and Alastor were able to end the effects of the hallucinations, but the damage remains done. And now I seem to have offended Grimmy, and Snarks is nowhere to be found.

FIX THIS!

Irately yours,
Severus Snape.

[Sinistra_Furze]

Miss Witherwick

No, it is not a good idea to pour pumpkin juice into your cauldron to “see what happens”. Experimental Potions is an advanced class for a very good reason.

Your detention will be to scrub the walls of the potions classroom until all the residue from the explosion is removed.
You will begin at six o’clock this evening. Do not be late.


Prof Snape


--- --- ---


Severus

Were you looking for Snarks? She’s curled up on a cushion by the window in my office, the last warm rays of afternoon sunlight glowing through the ends of her fur. With the high winds blowing golden leaves against the window panes it presents a scene of tranquillity and happy domesticity. How lucky we are, Severus, to be living here.
And Siggy informs me I may get a kitten of my own soon. Minerva has decided that if I do she will have to meet all the magical moggies to lay down the law. I concur.

I don’t suppose you have any waffling wands left do you? If anything could complete this gentle scene it would be something sweet on a plate by the fireside.

Albus

[merrymarge]

I am glad that everything is back to normal, I'll visit again another time.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Sir,

I know that most of the stuff wasn't real, so that's not the reason I seemed upset with you. I asked for your help and you assumed, as usual, that the glitter incident and our subsequent inability to control it was due to some incompetance on our part. We are witches, Sir, not baboons brandishing sticks! Then we find out it was that stupid Space Owl that was doing it. And that some spells don't work when dealing with alternate universe creatures, events, or whatever.

And I get the distinct impression from you that we bother you. And that we are are a bane to your existence. If this is true, why do you put up with us, then?

Anyway, that's what's been bothering me. And thank you for the potion, it really helped. I'll be able to make it to work tomorrow.

Grimmy
================================================== ===================================
Albus,

Thank goodness! I distinctly remember putting her in her traveling basket for the trip. Oh, well, maybe she didn't feel like coming with me. I can't blame her, there's still a lot of tension in the air around here. Grimmy implied that I am mean, am I really?

If it will not be an imposition, would you mind taking care of Snarks until I return?

This bothers me. Me, mean?

Severus

[merrymarge]

Dear Severus, no, you are not mean, just snarky.
Albus