Ask Snape - The Game

[merrymarge]

Professor Snape,
Please do not send Winky the house-elf to the Malfoys. As Head of S.P.E.W., you will be fined if she is employed by them. And, the Malfoys will be brought up on charges of cruelty to house-elves.
Apparently, you forgot how they mistreated Dobby.
Please, I beg of you, leave Winky alone. Dobby and I will try and work with her so she doesn't misdirect any more of your owls.
Hemione Granger, Head Of Society of the Promotion of Elfish Welfare.

Mum,
I didn't send any information about you and dad to that Skeeter woman. We have a new house-elf who apparently can't read very well. She sent out about a half a dozen of my letters to the wrong people. Now, I have to send out apologies to everyone.
Albus and I were going to hire a lawyer to file charges against Skeeter. she is trying to defame my character. Worse, she called me a character, like I am not real, only make-believe.
Severus

Professor Snape, Sir,
We just heard that Slytherins won the House cup. I am glad that Professor Dumbledore finally came to his senses and changed his mind about Gryffindor winning. He tried adding points to Gryffindor for some last minute herioc deeds. But, we Slytherins know who are the best students here at Hogwarts.
Draco Malfoy

[Pokota]

Draco,

While it is refreshing to not be eating while surrounded by Gryffindor colors for a change, we must not become complacent - I can only give Slytherin house so many free points before the other teachers become suspicious. Some of your stunts during this school year would have cost us more House Points than even I could have replaced had I not issued you detentions in place of docking points.

If you want Slytherin to stand a chance of winning the House Cup next year, then consider this your one and only warning: From here on in, I will dock points if I catch you committing a misdeed.

~S.Snape
----
Miss Granger,

I was not informed that I was the head of the Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare. As for how the Malfoys treated Dobby, I regret to state that such treatment is considered normal. Though, it may behoove you to campaign for the equal treatment of Werewolves, Half-Bloods, Muggleborns, and other sundry humans and part-humans before campaigning for the rights of creatures who have no human blood in them whatsoever.

Unless you want an eventual repeat of the Dark Lord's last reign of Terror, that is.

~Prof. Snape
----
Professor Snape,

Again with the Polyjuice shenanigans. I caught Phil Athans (one of your Slytherins) brewing Polyjuice Potion in the abandoned 2nd floor bathroom. The potion is about halfway complete from the look of things.

~Argus Filch.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Filch!

You dingbat! It's not Polyjuice. It's some sort of magical sticking substance, in other words, it's glue, you oaf! My hand is stuck to this disgusting toilet seat! I'm trying to get to my wand without touching anything, this glue has bubbled all over everything! Get Albus and tell him to......


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++

Severus,

I do hope this is a serious matter you are interrupting my Consulatation with the Wonder Warlock representative! At last, Severus, a line of products for us men! Anti wrinkle formulas and everything!

Very well, I'll be along as soon as my facial peel dries.

Albus

[merrymarge]

Albus,
Didn't Filch tell you what the problem was? I ended up with glue all over my hands, the cauldron bubbled over and I am stuck in the loo. Bring some nail polish remover, that should disolve the glue.
Severus

Severus,
Apparently you misunderstood my last owl. I meant that I am head of S.P.E.W. and it is my right to fine you if you insist on sending Winky the House-Elf to the Malfoys. They are already on Probation for the way they mistreated Dobby.
As for my campaigning for the rights of other magical creatures, I am already working as an intern at the Ministry for The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. This includes Werewolves, Giants, Centaurs, etc. As for Muggleborns, they are already witches and wizards.
Hermione Granger

[Pokota]

Miss Granger,

That is not quite what I meant to convey about Muggleborns. In fact, you seem to have missed my point. Even though Muggleborns are legally considered Witches and/or Wizards, there is still a surprising amount of discrimination against them both on and off the books. I would suggest leveling the playing field before bringing more players into the mix.

And I was quite unaware that the Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare had any legal backing. Perhaps you should take out adverts in the Daily Prophet and Quibbler? Awareness is a wonderful thing.

~The Half-Blood, Prince
----
Severus

Filch didn't tell me anything aside from you were stuck in Myrtle's bathroom. On my way down.

Albus.

[snaperunner]

Albus,
Thank you for coming to my rescue from the loo. You did not however have to bring along Brian Beetfoot, the representative for Wonder Warlock. While I appreciate being unstuck from the toilet,I then had to endure facials, haircleaning, and a suggestion for getting a nose job. I like my nose thanks,and your representative almost lost his.
Severus

Son,
While I can appreciate the ineptitude of some house-elves I am still sunk with embarassment over the details of ytour father and my lifes coming out. How can I ever show my face to the Weekly Witch Knitting Club again??
Mum

[merrymarge]

Severus,
You needed a makeover. Consider it a chance for you to improve yourself.
Now all you have to do is buy the products that Brian used. He needs the money.
Albus

Mum,
Really?? you feel bad about how you and dad didn't get along? How about me? all these years I had to put up with Dad screaming at you, you just took it, not even casting a spell against him. His drunken rages, his fooling around with barmaids, being tossed out of pubs and landing in jail. And you would bail him out. He woud apologise over and over, you forgave him, but you never stood up to him. You are a WITCH! you could have done something!
But at long last, you finally stood up to him and divorced him.
And now you can start a new life.
Severus

[GrimeldaDursley]

Dear Son,

You really should give up this bitterness you still harbor for your father. Now, Son, I'm not saying you should seek him out or be his friend, but after I let all that resentment go, I became a much happier person.

Love,

Mum

================================================== ===========

Professor,

I just signed for the package you ordered. Where do you want me to put these Cornish Pixies?

Argus Filch

================================================== =================

Dear Severus,

I must say that Narcissa and I are thoroughly enjoying that flat screen TB that Arthur Weasley sold us! We can watch Muggle moving pictures! Who knew!

We can play BVD's on it, too! We just saw this incredible thing about this girl called Alice and all her weird friends! By the way, we had to laugh, there was a big, blue caterpillar who sounded just like you in there!

You should drop by and see this thing! Amazing!

Lucius

[Pokota]

Argus,

I didn't order any Cornish Pixies. Or at least, I don't remember doing so. I'll certainly hang on to them for the next time some student decides to try and break into my personal quarters. If you can hold on to them for me until I can come to collect them, it would be much appreciated.

Severus
----
Lucius,

You of all people should know that Arthur Weasley's knowledge of Muggle Technology is not up to par. For one, they're called Television (TV for short) and Digital Video Disc (DVD for short) players. For two, most Muggle products have their actual name on them somewhere, so there really is no excuse to not at least know what they're called.

As for that movie you watched, there is an interesting series of books similar in nature to that movie by a muggle named Lewis Carroll. I would recommend reading the books.

~Severus
----
Professor Snape,

Might I interest you in a flat-screen TB with a BVD player? Only five galleons!

Arthur Weasley.

[GrimeldaDursley]

Severus,

Whatever. Now Bellatrix is all angry because I kept teasing her about the Red Queen, which bears a striking resemblance to her, and left in a huff. I think the last straw was when I called her "Bighead"!


She says she will never darken our doorway again. O Fraptious Day! Ca-loo Calay!

Lucius

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

Arthur,

No.

Severus

[merrymarge]

Severus,
Just where is Arthur Weasley getting the TV sets he is selling? I understand these things cost quite a bit of muggle money.
Albus

Lucius,
Glad you found a way to get rid of Bellatrix. But, now she is here, pestering me, about how mean you really are. I had to use the Langlok spell to get her to stop talking to me.
Severus

[HandofGlory]

Albus,

I don't know, nor do I care.

Severus

------------

Severus my friend!

It's wonderful that I got the Defense against the Dark Arts this year! I thought we should celebrate with a dinner. Also, I have enclosed with this letter all of my books, given to every other professor as well, and autographed! Hope you enjoy! Please owl me back if you are interested and I can set up a date with all the others!

Gilderoy Lockhart

[merrymarge]

Severus,
Have a bit of compassion for Arthur. Nothing wrong with him trying to earn a bit of money to make ends meet. However, I will speak to Kingsley and see it if he can manage another raise for Arthur.
Albus

Lockhart,
I don't think you are the Dark Arts Teacher this year. I know St. Mungo's just sent Albus an update on your condition and you are not fit to teach any time soon.
I am also surprised that you remembered my name. You were hit with a Memory Charm that erased your memory. You have been living in St. Mungo's for the past 15 years.
Severus Snape

[HandofGlory]

Albus,

There is no problem with Mr. Weasley trying to earn more wealth for his family. God knows everyone can. I'm just saying that I don't know where the money came from, and it's not a priority of mine to find out.

Severus Snape

---------------

Dear Professor Snape,

We do apologize about the recent letter of one of our patients, a Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart.

I can explain about the amazing memory that he has up to this point. After many rehabilitation treatments, he has gathered most of his memory back. However, he only got up to the point when he was hired as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He still does not remember what he taught or how he lost his mind.

Again, we are sorry about the letter. It was kinda weird seeing an owl carry a whole collection of his novels out of our facility. We should have kept a closer eye on him.

Gymnasa Cross
Janus Thickley Ward Head Healer
St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Malagies and Injuries

[merrymarge]

Severus,
I see your point. I just hope Arthur hasn't done anything illegal to obtain the t.v. sets.
Oh, by the way, I understand you just received an owl from Professor Lockhart. I know he cannot teach. Nor do I want him right now. I just re-hired Remus to teach the class.
Albus

[HandofGlory]

Albus,

So do I, on both accounts.

Severus

--------------------

My above message was edited, so merrymarge probably didn't see this letter before she replied

---------------------

Dear Professor Snape,

We do apologize about the recent letter of one of our patients, a Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart.

I can explain about the amazing memory that he has up to this point. After many rehabilitation treatments, he has gathered most of his memory back. However, he only got up to the point when he was hired as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He still does not remember what he taught or how he lost his mind.

Again, we are sorry about the letter. It was kinda weird seeing an owl carry a whole collection of his novels out of our facility. We should have kept a closer eye on him.

Gymnasa Cross
Janus Thickley Ward Head Healer
St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Malagies and Injuries

[GrimeldaDursley]

YOU CAN HELP STOP THE ABUSE!

Dear Professor Snape:

Our organization, G.A.S.P! [Gnomes Are Sentient Persons!] has been just recently formed to address the growing concern over the abuse of Garden Gnomes. Since early July of this year, reports of widespread abuse of these dear creatures have been flying in from every corner of the globe! Tales of attempting to drown, dismember, throwing the poor things against tree stumps, and the like are at an all time high never before seen!

Now, you ask "How can I help put a stop to these terrible atrocities?"

Severus Snape, there is a way. A simple monthly donation of whatever you can afford would go far in alerting the Wizarding World of these terrible events.

Please make all checks payable to GASP! Don't hesitate, these little lives are at stake!

Sincerely,

Viola Peddifigg
President of GASP!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++

Ms. Cross,

So I see he is back in the custody of St. Mungo's. Good.

See that he stays put this time. I mean it.

Severus Snape

[Pokota]

Miss Peddifigg,

You're a muggle-born, aren't you? Might I suggest getting together with one Hermione Granger (founder of S.P.E.W) in order to discuss priorities? As I recall, there are still many laws on the books that discriminate against muggle-borns and half-bloods.

~Professor Snape.
----
Dear Professor Snape,

I represent a group of Pure-blooded wizards and witches. Our goal is to adjust the lawbooks to make things more fair for everybody. Would you like to be added to our mailing list?

~Tandy Mark Ribaldo II

[JohanT]

Dear Tandy Mark Ribaldo II,

There will come a day when the term "fair" coupled with "Pure-blood" will be officially inducted with ceremony into The Book of Oxymorons. I'd like to be apart of that. United as one cause, we will teach the world what a language device is!

Sincerely,
Professor Severus

__________________________________________________ ______________________

Dear Prof. Snape,

There is a rumor circulating in the depths of society that your middle name is Donald. I am so sorry.

From,
Sympathizing bystander

[sparrowinwinter]

^

Wha- wait... who... how? I, no. There is no way of proving that. Go sympathize someplace else.

Prof. Snape

_______________________________________

Dear Mr. Snape, Professor, Sir,

I was wondering where you got that stylish green and pink dress you were wearing that one time when you got into trouble and you were brought to the ministry, you know, the one with he little fairies sprinkling fairy dust. I would very much like one as well.

Sincerely,
Jed Dimwit,
The third cubical on the left,
Department of Unpopular Color Combinations And Misuse of Muggle Clothing.