Ask Snape - The Game

[merrymarge]

Dear Mr. Dimwit,
As your name suggests, you are very much mistaken. I have never worn a green and pink dress with fairies on it. Nor would I want to wear such an oufit.
Professor Snape.

Severus,
I just met a wonderful young lady who is interested in helping gnomes. I believe she has owled you already, but she claims that you turned her down. Really, Severus, we must do more to protect our fellow magical creatures and that includes Gnomes and Goblins. May I suggest you enroll in an automatic payment plan, where a mere stipend will be deducted from your pay? This way, you won't forget to send in your payment, and it make for easier bookkeeping.
Albus

[JohanT]

Dear Headmaster,

This young lady is using this whole situation as an opportunity to meet me, for she is nothing but a lonely, twisted fanatic. I have my theories, one of which includes her wish to place a tracking spell on me, which will serve to tell her which of the two men's bathrooms I use. I hope this explains why I have felt the need to carry a bludger in my pocket these past few weeks. I do apologize for Mr. Potter's unfortunate run-in with it. It got loose.

Snape

__________________________________________________ ____________________

To Mr. Severus Donald Snape of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Congratulations! Due to a closer look into your family tree, it has been formally established that you are a descendant of Archibald Longbottom. We invite you to join in the Longbottom family reunion festivities, and are looking forward to presenting you with the traditional remembrall characteristic of all members of the Longbottom clan.

[merrymarge]

to the Longbottom clan,
I don't think I will be joining your reunions anytime soon.
and don't call me Severus Donald!!!
Professor Severus T. Snape

[HandofGlory]

~Snape, unaware of where this letter came from (no one signed at the bottom), he decided to send this letter to what he thinks was the most appropriate person.

Longbottom Family (via Howler)

I am smart, neat, and not clumsy. I know I am and will never be part of the Longbottom Clan. Please do not invite me to anything.

My middle name is not Donald.

Professor Severus T. Snape

------------------------

Dear Professor Snape,

You know that goblet of whatever you are currently drinking that is on your desk?

Don't drink it. Trust me.

Draco Malfoy

----------------------

Wow, Merrymage and I posted at the same time, and we both gave Snape the middle initial T. Interesting....

[merrymarge]

Well, yes, a few pages ago, Eileen Snape posted a letter to her son, Severus Tobias.

Malfoy,
you are too late. I already finished that delicious drink. Did you make that especially for me?
Professor Snape

[HandofGlory]

Oh, i didn't know of that.

---------

Er, Professor.

No. Lavender Brown did.

I'm surprised you couldn't smell the Draught of the Living Death in it.

Draco Malfoy

[JohanT]

Mr. Malfoy,

Perhaps I couldn't smell it because it wasn't the Draught of the Living Death. Naturally, it cannot be considered that, seeing as Ms. Brown forgot to add 50% of the ingredients, in her rabid enthusiasm to commit murder.

Professor Snape
__________________________________________________ ________________________

Severus,

Your picture has been captured and placed in the scrapbook of my Christmas Party! Thanks to Ms. Lovegood spiking the punch with Nargles (which I assume is Ravenclaw for firewhisky), you seem to have gone on a bit of a rampage. Hohoho, you frightened quite a few of the students, Severus! But it was all in the name of the jolly spirit, no doubt. I am attaching the photograph to this message.

Horace Slughorn

Picture:

[merrymarge]

Malfoy,
A lot of potions are odorless, colorless and still are dangerous to drink, even with some ingredients missing. You and Ms Brown will both be serving detention with me. Oh, and 100 points from Gryffindor for attempting to kill a teacher and 75 points for you Malfoy for not trying to stop her.
Professor Snape

Horace,
Must you embarrass me further with your silliness? How am I going to keep up my image of intiminating students if you insist on posting this stupid picture of me? It doesn't even look like me.
Severus

[HandofGlory]

Professor Snape,

I didn't do it! I promise, I would never want to kill another human, much less a professor! I don't know who tried to poison your drink, but it definitely was not me! I can't even make a Draught of the Living Death!

Lavender Brown

[Pokota]

Ms Brown,

I have noticed in our classes that you are quite incapable of brewing the potion correctly. As for how I know it's you, Dumbledore and I both are very skilled at knowing when a student is putting on an innocent face. He taught the Marauders, and I lived through them. Don't lie to me ever again. You shall serve your detentions these next couple of Friday evenings.

Professor Snape

----

Severus,

Did you seriously just award Slytherin House 75 points for not stopping an attempt on your life?

Albus

[HandofGlory]

Albus

How did you get that letter?

Anyways, no I have made a little mistake. I meant to say "from" instead of "for." If I give points for not stopping all the attempts on my life those point hourglasses would be overflow.

Severus

---------------------

Um, Professor,

I'm sorry for not stopping Lavender, but all she gets is detention? Shouldn't she have been thrown out of Hogwarts for attempted murder?

Draco Malfoy

[merrymarge]

Malfoy,
Ms Brown will receive dention and she loses 100 points. Remember when you were hit with Sectumsempra by Potter? All he got was detention and I believe he planned on killing you. Be that as it may, you both will serve detention. You, Malfoy, will be sorting rotten flobberworms and Ms Brown will finish rewriting old detentions. Potter started this in his 6th year, but due to unfortunate events he never finished the job.
Ms Brown was very careless in trying to make the Draught of Living Death. I wonder if she was under the Imperious Curse?
Professor Snape

Professor Snape, Sir,
I know what happened to Lavender Brown. Uh huh, she really wanted to get back at Ms Granger because Granger prefers Won-Won. I mean Ron, Ron Weasley. I don't know why Lavender likes Ron, he is too skinny and he has too many freckles. Anyway, she told me that Granger is going to die, but, then she got her potions mixed up and she left it on your desk to grade and you drank it instead. And that's what really happened.
A concerned student

[JohanT]

To "concerned student",

Oh, if that is the case, then the 100 points from Gryffindor House shall not be taken for attempted murder on me. Instead, they will be taken for sheer stupidity. Please tell Ms. Brown that using school hours for nefarious deeds is prohibited in my classroom, though she is welcome to spend Divination attempting to poison Ms. Granger's tea leaves.

Professor Snape

______________________________________


To whomever it may concern,

Your broomstick lights are on.

[HandofGlory]

Idiot,

I don't have a broomstick. Even if I did, broomsticks don't have any lights.

Professor Snape.

----------------------------

Dear Professor Snape,

A couple of days ago, Lavender Brown literally ran into me while I was walking up the stairs. As I was getting back on my feet, she screamed, "I'm done with this," "You'll get your turn, Hermione," and "Take that Snape!" No student, staff, or ghost have ever seen her since. Do you have any idea what is going on? I'm very curious and scared at the same time.

Hermione Granger

[JohanT]

Ms. Granger,

Hmmmm. You know, I have absolutely no idea! With luck, she's stuck in the girl's bathroom, training her whining skills to match Moaning Myrtle's.

Professor Snape

___________________________________________

Professor Snape,

I'm sorry I stuffed flobberworms down your cloak. And I'm sorry I attempted to feed you to Buckbeak. I hope the stains weren't too bad...from the flobberworms and your unfortunate accident.

Hagrid

[HandofGlory]

Hagrid,

You have been reported to Albus already. He will deal with you.

Severus

--------------------------

Albus,

What is it with everyone trying to kill me? This must be stopped sir.

Severus

---------------------------

Snapey,

You can't find me!

Lavender

[JohanT]

Brown,

Peek-a-boo.

Professor Snape

________________________________________

Severus,

Why would I stop if I haven't gotten in on the fun yet?

Albus

_______________________________________________

Professor Snape,

Professor Dumbledore tol' me ter try harder next time. So I would' be delighterd if you tryed some o' my homemade rock cakes.

Thanks,
Hagrid

[merrymarge]

Hagrid,
No thanks, I want to keep my teeth. Since when is this kill Snape week? I am nothing but a fair, stern and thoughtful professor who likes to brew potions. I occassionally share my reuslts with students, in hopes that they too can brew fame, bottle glory and put a stopper in death.
I am so Unappeciated and unloved.
Serverus Snape

Dear Mum,
Everyone has turned against me; they want to kill me. Could I come home to and stay with you until everyone settles down?
Sev

[HandofGlory]

Huh, I don't know if Snape would sound so much like a downer type of person, but ok.

Sev,

I don't think you'll be safe here either. I can't protect you. I'm so sorry, son.

I love you,
Your mum.

--------------------------------------

Professor,

I think I can explain everything now.

As you might know, Lavender Brown listens to everything that Professor Trelawney spews out of her mouth. Unfortunately, one of the "predictions" that she created was warning her about a potions master destroying the world. She was able to convince everyone else of this. That's the reason for all these attempts.

I'm still trying to figure out why she tried attacking me.

I think we need to try to convince everyone of this.

Hermione Granger

[JohanT]

Ms. Granger,

I see. I will put a stop to this...perhaps through illegal methods, but sometimes, the worst is necessary to stop an even more horrid outcome. As for why you were targeted...have you forgotten to wash your hair in all of this excitement, Granger? It has been looking particularly greasy. You may have reminded Ms. Brown of me, sparking some already inbred fury. As if she needed another reason to do away with you, Granger. Tsk tsk.

Wash yourself.

Professor Snape.

__________________________________________________ _______

Mum,

Way to give me another reason why my childhood sucked. Thanks a lot.

Snape

__________________________________________________

Severus,

Please open this letter.

Dumbledore