Master of Death task - feedback

[Professor Dumbledore]

As a teacher I've always provided feedback. Sometimes it was easy and sometimes it was difficult, especially when Professor Trelawney asked my views on the mysterious fog seen in her crystal sphere. Which eventually happened to be a spot of drool by Hagrid's Fang... but I am drifting...

Please give us your feedback on the Master of Death entries and be kind...

[APolaris]

Here's some feedback:

Is it too late to change my vote? I want to vote on Professor Dumbledore's comment about the crystal ball instead.

Okay, seriously, here's why I voted for the ones I chose.

#1 and #4: They were very well-written essays in my opinion, covering all the bases in ways that some of the others missed. They did so very eloquently without causing the reader to lose interest. #1 feels like the most academic essay in the contest, using a good balance of quotes, persuasive argument, and consequences; it wants only a good deal of grammatical improvement. #4 is an essay of deep thought in that it questions what really makes one Master of Death.

#5: This entry is the one that had me torn between itself and #7 as my eighth choice. In the end, the humor of this entry, together with its subversion of each Hallow's role, made it my choice.

#6: I feel this is the most emotionally impacting of the fiction entries and conveys a more realistic, psychologically-explored reason for uniting the Hallows. Also has a great deal of symbolism if one looks for it.

#18: The historian's story blends authenticity, immersion in Rowling's world, and a conclusion that manages to side with both ideas. The ambiguity about the narrator's title ("Magistrate of Death Eaters"? On their side? Arresting them?) near the end conveys much with few words. Has a good "why," even if it doesn't fully explore the possible consequences of the chosen path.

#21: I really liked the way the author included an illustration of the consequences of death instead of theorizing about them, then the narrator used that experience to color his/her decision. The ghost was a good idea, and so was the tidbit added at the end. A story that explores the "why" more than the "how," which in my opinion is the better way to go.

#22: A blend of essay and story that I liked very much; a major candidate for later rounds. The first paragraph is epic but the rest doesn't allow that to dictate the tone. Moral ambiguity lends this story its impact. The ending wraps things up nicely in a Rowling-esque sense.

#24: It's an image that says the most with the least. I almost voted for #27, but this one overpowered it in the end. Perhaps it reminds me a bit of "How the Other Half Lives," so my interpretation of the image itself could have been wrong.

[baseballblondie]

Feedback on just a few of the entries.

5 - I love the interview. It's so creative
7 - I love the idea of turning veggies into chocolate. I'd certainly eat them then.
8 - I thought that this was a fun way of refusing the Hallows
10 - I liked the idea of following the Hallows through the more recent history and into the current
17 - I love Rita's interview. I was laughing the entire time
24 - beautiful picture and thoughts
25 - made me laugh.
26 - loved both the image and the thought behind it

[TWZRD]

Haven't finished reading, but wanted to comment on two illustrations. Love the double exposure on #26 with all the pretty pastel colors, and also the imitation "Hatch Show Print" on 27.

[bellatrix93]

I won't be able to write feedback for this challenge, but I wanted to say that all the entries were really great, and I was glad to see so many creative and very well-written entries! Thanks for everybody who took time to put an entry together!

[leah49]

Entries 1-12:    

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1. The Next Great Adventure. Too many ellipses. Essay is not personal enough. 2. Master of Death. I love the change from wanting the power to not wanting it. * 3. Good short essay on refusing the power. Believable. 4. I was in church after reading Deathly Hallows and it hit me. Voldemort could have defeated death by being saved, born again, believing Jesus Christ died on the cross for him. He wouldn't have to create Horcruxes. He wouldn't have to search for the Elder Wand or other Hallows. He wouldn't have to steal the Philosopher's/Sorcerer's Stone. All he was to do was believe. But, he didn’t do that. He didn't defeat death. His afterlife got a lot hotter.* 5. Interview with anonymous. Original idea. What a bad interview. 6. Aw, what a sad story. I'm sure what decision has been made, though. 7. Good bit on why the cloak is not a good idea. Funny bit on the wand. I wish that could really happen! 8. Miss King beat Dumbledore to the hallows. No space between punctuation. 9. Good intro. Searcher of the hallows. Fifty years of searching. James Potter's son a Slytherin. Is this James Potter II? You got rid of the hallows. Good story. * 10. Cloak goes to wisest child. You own the cloak and know the hallows to be more than a fairy tale. Wow, 2098 (97 1/2 years from now) The Statute of Secrecy is gone. Love the story. * 11. Grim Reaper wannabe Interesting story. 12. Well written. Good story. Good ending.

[APolaris]

My feedback as presented for the final round's entries, along with my reason for not choosing the ones I didn't vote for.

#5: It was good enough to vote for earlier, due to its sheer amusement value. The interview format is well-done and it's got a good bit of creativity to it. However, I'm not so sure it's single-best-item material. Probably top 3 of that bunch.

#9: It's well-written, and would be a major candidate if this contest were about "What do you do to accept or refuse the Master of Death title?" But it fails to address the actual question of this contest - namely, "Why" do you accept or refuse that title? On the grounds that it didn't fulfill the contest's criteria, I can't vote for it.

#10: It's alright, and does an excellent job of answering the contest's questions. The vision of a darkened future is fine-tuned in this one and it's certainly unique. My main issue is with the writing quality; it does too much telling and not enough showing. Narrators who dictate lose points.

#17: This one was a candidate for my original set of votes, but in the end I chose #5 for its greater amusement value. What I like about this one is its authenticity: it sounds like a real interview Rita would conduct and then publish. It's kind of repetitive, though.

#21: This is the remaining entry that I chose to vote for. The narrator is a good writer who shows rather than tells, presents a good reason based on the character's experience with the ghost, and wraps up in a nice ending. It has a few cliches, but in the end the author has as good a reason as anybody else for refusing the title - being personal, maybe better than most.

#26: It's aesthetically pleasing to look at, but to be honest I don't think it addresses the topic. Of the three images thrown together, only the hand holding the stone appears to be relevant. The explanation of "why" is vague and generic, and the picture doesn't particularly carry a meaning that offsets the lack thereof in the text.

#27: It made me chuckle when I first saw it, and it shows the real consequences of becoming Master of the Hallows. Next to the one I voted for previously I like this best of the images, and if there were separate voting for images and text, this would be my choice.

[ccollinsmith]

Entry 1 - Nice presentation of the more philosophical problems involved in becoming Master of Death.

Entry 2 - Good job of showing the conflict in the mind of someone who has possession of the Hallows.

Entry 3 - Good argument against accepting the Hallows.

Entry 4 - Interesting way to frame the question of becoming Master of Death.

Entry 5 - Very humorous. This was in my final deliberations.

Entry 6 - Very surreal. I like it.

Entry 7 - Nice self-analysis - and entertaining fantasy about the Wand. You're making me hungry!

Entry 8 - Some very amusing scenarios here.

Entry 9 - Good story. This was in my final deliberations.

Entry 10 -

Entry 11 - Leave it to Hermione to talk sense into Harry!

Entry 12 - Nicely done.

Entry 13 - Good to see someone use the Hallows for good!

Entry 14 - There's some pretty funny stuff here.

Entry 15 - Good presentation of the internal conflict.

Entry 16 - I really loved this story and was sorry not to see it in the final round.

Entry 17 - Very funny. Another story from my final deliberations.

Entry 18 - I enjoyed your 3rd generation scenario - and I really loved the narrator's false conclusion about how Harry used the Stone.

Entry 19 - I really like the way this story turns - and I really loved the line about willpower and puppies.

Entry 20 - Nice presentation of the "slippery slope" involved in becoming Master of Death.

Entry 21 - Very good descriptive writing, and a compelling story. This was obviously in my final deliberations, given that it's the entry I voted for!

Entry 22 - I really love the idea of how becoming Master of Death eats you from the inside and corrupts everything. That was a unique idea in this set of stories. Well done.

Entry 23 - Very amusing entry.

Entry 24 - Cute picture of the kids.

Entry 25 - Interesting way of putting a number of different concepts together in a single graphic.

Entry 26 - Some nice graphic design here.

Entry 27 - Brilliant graphic design, and great concept. I usually vote for stories, but this image did make it to my final deliberations.

[storyteller]

Here are my comments. I should have done them as I was voting. I just wanted to make sure I got my votes in. They probably would not have changed though since I had to cut a lot that I like out and stick with just my most favorite.
If I say something a bit negative about your entery, don't take it personally. I can find something to comment about for just about anything and I know I would rather have constructive chritasism than someone just telling me the reasons that they like what I wrote. I know I will have a bunch of negative comments about my picture though
1-10

Spoiler: show

1. I really liked this. You hit all the points that I thought were important.
2. I really liked the concept for this. Death trying to trick you into taking its place. Great characterization
3. Love this. I actually was going to use the part about people not having the knowledge to handle it, Omniscient. Excellent.
4. I liked it a lot but It focused more on if the Hallows would work. We know they would so it was a bit off topic.
5. It is very fun and nice to read but it is not sticking with cannon when you say JK Rowling would want to come back.
6. Very pretty. I do not remember it mentioning specifically being Master of Death though It might have interrupted the flow of the story but it was also the theme of the contest.
7. I really liked it but I thought the uses of the cloak were pretty frivolous.
8. Fun ways to use the Hallows but foiling a robbery was a bit unrealistic. Why not just tell the goblins? What about the dragon?
9. Great story but I didn’t understand about the ownership of the wand. How would an Expelliarmus spell make it yours? It has to be taken from the owner by force.
10. Very well thought out but the Hallows were created way before Harry or even Voldemort were born. How could their true purpose be to show an image of the boy who lived?

11-19

Spoiler: show

11. Love the resolution and the dream. I kind of wish you had not “broken the fourth wall” though and maybe called HP the biography of Harry Potter and stayed in character.
12. I love this story. It is well thought out and you explain how you can about getting the Hallows, Well done.
13. Great explanation of how you would use the Hallows but I thought that the conversation with the ghost was a bit long.
14. Great use of the pros and cons. Love the taxes bit but I don’t think you would forget your wand. I don’t care how forgetful you think you are.
15. Very convincing internal struggle. Mentioning Muggle cartoon angles broke the mood a bit though.
16. Well thought out thought process and a plausible way to come into the situation. Love the conclusion t hat it was a trick
17. So funny. Sounded just like Rita Skeeter. I voted for this one. Problem is if you had an Anonymous interview with Rita, it wouldn’t be anonymous for long, unless you obliviated her memory after she made her notes.
18. Great story but I doubt James would part with the cloak so easily and even if he did if you only had it temporarily you would not be “Master”. I like that you did not kill James though.
19. I don’t know why I keep having my entries put next to such good ones. I really enjoyed it the way you made all the plans and then realized they would not work with an internal monologue conversation.

20-27

Spoiler: show

20. Mine. I should not have included the picture. I did not have time to do a good one as the deadline was looming. I should have gone back after I made it and put more about the Infari and cut something else out..I thought including the picture was a bit funny though. At least I got participation points.
21. Touching story but it was more about a ghost than about why you wouldn’t be Master of Death.
22. Very imaginative. Your life starting again at your funeral.
23. Very entertaining story. Love the classical references. I don’t think the dead would take kindly to being asked recipes though and sneaking into the DMV I take it that it is supposed to be funny though.
24. Lovely picture but I don’t understand what the 1 healing potion means.
25. I did not realize until just this second that the cloak was hiding the Twiplayers. I did not think starting a business was a good use of the stone though, even though I know ultimately it would be for good.
26. Very well composed and put together. Love the fonts. I didn’t think it explained as well as some of the other pictures why you wouldn’t want the MoD job.
27. Very Cool. It looks like a Barnum and Baily poster. All the most exciting words leap out at you. I voted for it the first time but it is a bit ambiguous about whether MoD is a good job or not.

[MrSleepyHead]

I wish I could provide feedback for all the entries, but I simply did not have enough time.

Feedback for final round entries:

Entry 5:
The formatting for this entry is an excellent concept. This entry’s tone is very light-hearted and comical, but I found it slightly overdone. I do love the recap of the news, though – a great conclusion.

Entry 9:
I think this entry captures wizards’ obsession with the Deathly Hallows (and being Master of Death) incredibly well. It embodies the Quest and the decisions the Questers had to make. I think it shows a great dilemma between the greater good and evil, and it was satisfying to read the final decision. Overall, it is a very well composed piece, but at times it seemed a little too “fan fiction-ish” for my taste”.

Entry 10:
This is possibly the most unique entry in its story. It was interesting to read a scenario for the future of the Wizarding World and, overall, I think it is very well conceived. In many ways it is very canonical, with excellent concepts for future wizarding issues. However, I think it took too many liberties in, for example, the Peverell ancestry, and its conclusion seems very hurried – almost tacked on.

Entry 17:
I would have thought the idea of a reporter interviewing the Master of Death was unique. Evidently, I was wrong, since Entry 5 uses the same concept. Anyway, I like how this entry incorporates Rita Skeeter and other aspects of the Wizarding World, though I wonder if making the entry comical was the right decision.

Entry 21:
This entry seemed very distracted from the beginning, when a quick sentence answers the question and then the narration reverts back to the original story. I felt as if this entry was more of a literary story of a firsthand encounter, leaving the actual task as a secondary thought.

Entry 26:
The artwork in this entry is beautiful, but I slightly disagree with the inscription. As I see it, “Master of Death” means the acceptor of Death, as Harry acts in DH. I think legend has contorted it to mean “conqueror” or “vanquisher.” Therefore, I believe that we should strive to be Masters of Death by accepting it and moving on to the next great adventure. I like the entry, but my personal opinion disagreed with its message.

Entry 27:
The presentation style of this entry is ingenious. I love how it answers the question in such a witty way, advertising the Master of Death and describing it by the writer’s opinion of the title. However, at times it seems a little over-the-top and redundant. Overall, though, this entry was formed upon an excellent concept.

[leah49]

Entries 13-19:    

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13. Choose one. Good intro. Conjure up Sean to have him give you a quest. Decently written. Good reason for hallows. Good ending. 14. Pros and Cons list. Haha, funny reason for eternal life. OK reason for stone. Good reason for cloak, not that condone cheating. Okay reason for wand. Good reason against the cloak. Good reason against the stone. Don't want to lose the wand! Great reason against eternal life. Eternal taxes? Boo! 15. Master of Death? I like the conscience idea. Good idea just keeping the cloak. 16. I like the opening with the question "Do you want it?" Interesting story meeting death in the woods. 17. Master of Death or Master of Daft? An interview. Rita Skeeter? What? No! Good interview. 18. Someone actually replaced Binns? You are the Master of Death…temporarily. 19. On speaking terms with Thomas Jefferson, Winston Churchill, and Jesus. I like the conflict.

[leah49]

Entries 20-27:    

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20. Do not pity the dead. You really did your research. Great essay. Interesting graphic. 21. You saw a ghost? I don't think this answers the topic question, though. 22. Claiming the title so no one else does. But, it caused trouble, so you're giving it back. Learned your lesson. 23. Tale of Three Hallows. I think the paragraphs should be spaced so it's easier to read. 24. Good image. Text is a little pixeled. I don't understand why children are worth bearing the hallows, though. 25. Funny graphic. Love the business! 26. Beautiful image. The darker text seems to fade into the image and make it harder to read, but it is beautiful. 27. I love this. The Most Sensational Presentation of Immortality.

[storyteller]

Leah, I did 20. Just go ahead and say it. The image was just thrown togather and did not look finished. I wish I had not included it but what is done is done. My subject matter was also a bit heavy so using the pictures of the zombies/Infari probably didn't fit the mood.

[APolaris]

Originally Posted by storyteller

6. Very pretty. I do not remember it mentioning specifically being Master of Death though It might have interrupted the flow of the story but it was also the theme of the contest.

I'll answer this one. The contest asked to address whether one would wish to become Master of Death, which involves showing a motive and making a decision. It doesn't specifically say "Use the words Master of Death," and my reasoning is that in good fictional writing, showing is always superior to telling. So I chose to show what the decision would be rather than force-feed it by using the actual words directly.

[storyteller]

Originally Posted by APolaris

I'll answer this one. The contest asked to address whether one would wish to become Master of Death, which involves showing a motive and making a decision. It doesn't specifically say "Use the words Master of Death," and my reasoning is that in good fictional writing, showing is always superior to telling. So I chose to show what the decision would be rather than force-feed it by using the actual words directly.

Remember though, I was looking for something that could have been improved, in my opinion. It was really good and it was hard to find anything that might have been improved upon.

[ccollinsmith]

I thought I'd answer this point...

Originally Posted by MrSleepyHead

In many ways it is very canonical, with excellent concepts for future wizarding issues. However, I think it took too many liberties in, for example, the Peverell ancestry, and its conclusion seems very hurried – almost tacked on.

First off... Congratulations! I really enjoyed your entry.

Regarding liberties taken with the Peverells... the narrator is a direct descendent of Albus Severus Potter (the son named for the two Headmasters). So yes, a descendent of the Peverells.

As for hurried ending... agreed. I had to rewrite part of the penultimate paragraph at the last minute without breaking the word count barrier. But in all honesty, it might have seemed rushed even without that.

---------

I also thought I'd mention why the narrator tells more than shows (APolaris' comment)... It's the storytelling style of the narrator's "future primitive" culture. I was very conscious that it could be a problem, since I strongly believe in showing rather than telling. I even experimented early on with doing it as a Browning-esque Dramatic Monologue, in which the narrator is speaking directly to an unseen/unheard interlocutor. But I opted for the Soliloquy instead.

Anyway, despite the fact that "telling" goes against my own fiction instincts, this was intended - in order to give the narrator a voice that would be authentic for that time and that place (at least as I had conceived them ). Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean that I pulled it off!

Anyway, if I ever decide to write this future history as fanfic epic, there will be a lot more showing of the events described - and a lot more context for how this storytelling style developed.

[APolaris]

I shall look forward to that fic, should it be written.

[ccollinsmith]

Originally Posted by APolaris

I shall look forward to that fic, should it be written.

Thanks! I'm actually contemplating it.

[HMN]

Thank you to everyone who posted feedback!

I really enjoyed making my entry. My initial thought was going to be more paparazzi-ish where the 'Master of Death' would be overwhelmed with camera flashes, but I didn't have the graphic skills to put it together (and I'm so not a writer). So after being hunted by the paparazzi it occurred to me that the fame aspect of being MoD could turn the person into a side-show circus freak. It was fun after that.

[leah49]

Originally Posted by storyteller

Leah, I did 20. Just go ahead and say it. The image was just thrown togather and did not look finished. I wish I had not included it but what is done is done. My subject matter was also a bit heavy so using the pictures of the zombies/Infari probably didn't fit the mood.

An animated graphic cannot just be thrown together! It was a good graphic.