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PS/SS book spoof

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Old March 12th, 2006, 4:29 pm
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PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 1: The adventures brown tie and sherbet

Dursley: Now which tie should I choose, Black no no I’m not going to a funeral. Oh I know brown!
Petunia: Brown dear very abventuras.
Extremely large mini Dudley: SWEEEETSSS (kiks) SWEETSSS!
Vernon: isn't’t he a saint (try to kiss gets kicked)

(in car)

Vernon: Oh look a cat reading a map (long pause) A MAP!
Tabby cat: (trying to look innocent) err… me-oww
Vernon: that’s what I thought.

(Vernon driving down street)

Vernon: Oh look teenagers in funny clothes must me a new stile. Jimmeny Cricket that guys like 60!

(Vernon having a boring day)

Owl: (taping on window) notice me darn it notice me
Vernon: (remains oblivious)

(Out for a stroll meets guy wearing cloak)

Guy wearing cloak: Voldy- I mean you-know-who is gone at last yay! (hugs Vernon)
Vernon: I new this tie was to adventures they think I’m one of them.

(Skip to the night after Vernon discovers his inside is named Harold- Harry!!)

Tabby cat: (still trying to look innocent) meow
Dumbledore: (appeared out of no were, singing quietly) Sherbet sherbet oh I love the sherbet.
Tabby cat that has suddenly turned into a woman: Meeow I mean hello Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: oh hello McGonagall, soo err would you like a sherbet lemon.
McGonagall: Huh?
Dumbledore: Oh go on. You know what instead have this (hands her copy of 1000 reasons why I love sherbet by Albus Dumbledore)
Mcgonagall: err k
Dumbledore: so Potters dead… Bummer
McGonagall:Ye the worst

(long over drawn pause, cricket chirps)

McGonagall: So were here siting outside this house that holds two of the worst muggles on the planet. One of which is wearing a brown tie which is obiosly way to adventures for hi-
Vernon: I NEW IT!

(they stair at him)

Vernon: So ill be off back to bed then…

Dumbledore: Well because I’m going to leave harry hear of course, for reasons that will become apparent latter on but will by no means make up for the years of torture that he will suffer here.
McGonagall: I see…

(motorcycle comes crashing down)

Hagrid: (With the motorcycle being crushed under his massive wait) Hullo
Dumbledore: Now to lead harry with the tortures I mean his only family.
JK: Yes that’s wight I killed them all MWAHAHAHAHA cough cough hark splutter.

(They stand and stair at harry for several minuets in silence)

Dumbledore: So you’re sure you don’t want a sherbet lemon.

Feedback is here. http://www.cosforums.com/showthread.php?t=86065

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

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Old March 12th, 2006, 8:08 pm
Books_4_eva  Female.gif Books_4_eva is offline
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Re: PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 2: Neglected Boy

Petunia: Get up, make breakfast, watch as your perfect cousin opens his presents.
Harry: (Mumbles) Ye perfectly fat more like.
Petunia: What was that
Harry: nothing
Petunia: Just for that no breakfast.
Harry:… (gets up)

(in kitchen)

Dudley: How many are there
Vernon: 37 (braises self)
Petunia: But look you missed the one from Aunt Marge
Dubley: So that makes.. (strains)
Vernon: 39 son
Harry: (roles eyes)
Vernon: Harry your coming to the zoo, Mrs Figg has broken her leg, we don’t want you to blow up the house or car s your coming.
Dudley: (starts sobbing)
Petunis: (Hugs Dudley… or trys to) sorry dear look we’ll get you some more stuff.
Dudley: (straining again) so that would make…
Petunia: More presents dear

(short time latter in car Piers has joined them)

Harry: (Happily thinking) I get to go to the zoooo I get to go to the zooo.
JK: Yes I’m sending him to the zoo and nothing will happen that will get him in trouble such as the time he ended up on the school roof. (slight pause) MWAHAHAHA!
Harry: so I like had this dream and there was a motorbike and it was like flying
Vernon: (car swerves, he regains control) MOTORBIKES DON’T FLY
Harry: Ye I know it was a dream. Chill
Vernon: They don’t fly you hear me boy.

(in zoo)

Vernon: Two big ice creams for Dudley and Piers please
Harry: Ye because Dudley really needs more food.
Vernon: What was that
Harry: Nothing
Ice cream lady: anything for the small neglected one
Vernon oh ok then the smallest lemon ice lolly you have.
Harry: (thinking) The zoo and an ice-lolly my dreams have come true! This day keeps getting better and better nothing could passably do wrong

(In the reptile house)

Dudley: SNAKE! Make it move
Vernon: (bangs on glass)
Dudley: Boring! (Walks away)
Snake: (looks at Harry)
Harry: You’re like the snake version of me
Snake: So true
Dudley: Cool the snake moves! (pushes harry out the way)
Harry: (Looks at Dudley and piers. Is thinking) Let the glass disappear please oh pleas just let is disappear
Glass: (disappears) POOF!!
Snake: Freedom at last! Thankssss kid
Vernon: (Goes down on harry)
Harry: (thinking) I knew it was to good to last
Vernon: (throughs words at harry such as couped and no food)

(Harry in couped)

Harry: I wish I had another lolly (reminiscing) I wonder what life would be like if my parent’s hadent died in a car crash
JK: hay maybe you will find out (giggles)
Harry: you know sometimes I think people know me like that guy with the top hat bowing to me.

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

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Old March 13th, 2006, 7:24 pm
Books_4_eva  Female.gif Books_4_eva is offline
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Re: PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 3: Vernon vs. the Letters.

Dudley: Ha they gona stuff your head down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Whant to come up stairs and practice.
Harry: I would but I don’t think you head would fit. (Runs)

(At Mrs Figgs)

Harry: OMG TV, cake chocolate cake! My dreams have finally come true.

(Back at the Durslys)

Petunia: (crying) Ickle Dudleykins
Harry: (thinking) I think I might cry to… With laughter HA! (Talking) So whats the ugly gray stuff in the sink.
Petunis: Your uniform
Harry: I think I really am going to cry this time.

(Letter box clicks)

Vernon: Harry get the post
Harry: No way you get it.
Vernon: (turning red)
Harry I mean yes sir. Right away sir.

(Going through letters)

Harry: No… Way… I have a letter! My life just keeps getting better and better. TV, cake and post in the same week!
Vernon: Youink. I’ll just rip that up for you.
Harry: Oh darn
Dudley: I want’t a latter
Harry: NO way it’s mine.
Vernon: (throughs them out door) OUT

(Harry and Dudley listening at door)

Ver non: There spying on us, look they even got his cupboard. But I wont reply no, I’ll egnor it and watch as it quit quickly gets worse. I mean what could they do?
JK: (giggles)

(That evening)

Vernon: Move over boy I’m trying to join you in the cupboard.
Harry: Ye cause your so going to fit.
Vernon: What was that
Harry: Nothing
Vernon: So er, you moving into the small bedroom for reasons that I will not tell you, oh ye and your not getting that letter.
Harry: No fair.
Vernon: Shut it boy now up stairs!

(Next day in kitchen)

Vernon: Get the post Dudley
Dudley: (gets up) Crash Bang Grumble. Hay theres another one!
Vernon: (jumps on Dudley) give me that letter.
Harry: (Jumps on top) Dog pile!
Vernon: (Has letter) Harry go to your cup- I mean room. Dudley get lost.
Letter: Darn it

(The next morning)

Alarm clock: RING!
Harry: (gets up) I will get that letter I will get that letter.

(Down stairs)

Harry: (walks towards letter box, stands on something) Hmmmm squishy.
Vernon: (souts at harry for what feels like forever)
Harry: (Thinking) Hay he looks kind of like a prune with that shade of face
Vernon: Now go make some tea.
Harry Yes prune I mean sir.

(Later on)

Vernon: HA HA ! No more post her (laughing hysterically while nailing box shut)


Letters: He thinks he can beat us that esily well HA we can get through cracks. WE SHALL BE DELIVERED!
Vernon: I burn you now!
Letters: AAARRRRGGHHHH! It burns it burns, oh what a cruel cruel world!


Letters: We shall not be difeeted! Into the eggs we go!
Vernon: Die you stupid letters die!


Vernon: HA No post on Sundays HAHA. Not a damn one!
Letters: Well show you. GET HIM BOYS (they shoot at him down the chimney)
Harry: (Dives for a letter)
Vernon: (Dives on Harry)
Vernon: (throughs him through the door)

(in the car)

Vernon: HA I’ll loose them (swerves round corner)
Dudley: (Crying) I want to watch TV
Harry: I want my letter!

(Gloomy hotel)

Random hotel guy: Is there a Harry Potter here it’s just that (holds out letter) theres like 100 of these things for him.
Letter: Weeee fooooound yooouuu. We shall never be stopped!
Harry: (Dives for letter)
Vernon: (dives on harry) Yes though's would be for me.

(In car again)

Dudley: Daddy's gone mad
Harry oh you noticed.

(At coast)

Vernon: (carrying long box) Ha I’ve found the place, them darn letters wont find me.
Harry/Dudley/Petunia: Where
Vernon: (points out to sea)

(In boat)

Vernon: (is laughing again)
Petunia: (remains silent)
Dudley (is crying)
Harry: (still wants his letter)

(In crumbling house on Small Island)
Vernon: yep this is the place
Dudley: I’m hungry
Harry: when are you not hungry
Dudley: errrr…

(Later on)
Dudley: (snoring)
Harry: Well it’s neerly my 11th birthday, maybe I will get that letter yet. It’s about the most intresting thing that will ever happen to me.
JK: (giggles) Ye nothing… hahahahaha!
Door: BOOM!
Harry: WERE ALL GOING TO DIE! (Hides under raged very small sheet)

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

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Old May 1st, 2006, 11:01 pm
Books_4_eva  Female.gif Books_4_eva is offline
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Re: PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 4: Life getting more interesting

Door: (falls to floor)
Hagrid: oh darn I loose more doors that way (squeezes through, puts back on hinges)
Dudley: (wimpers) Don’t eat me
Vernon: (dives into room holding a gun) who are you!
Hagrid: (unaware of vernons existence) move ya pudding
Dudley: (try to hide behind Vernon)
Hagrid: well harry long time no see, oh look yur just like your father only with you mothers eyes.
Harry: really I have my mothers eyes…. So who are you?
Hagrid: (brings out card and reads) Rubeus Hagrid keeper of the keys and grounds at Hog-
Vernon: OUT NOW!! (turning an wonderful shade of red)
Hagrid: shut up yer prune.
Harry: (thinking) I new he looked like one hahahaha
Vernon: (points gun at hagrid)
JK: ye that’s sooooooo going to work
Hagrid: (grabs gun and start doing balloon animals with it) here harry (hands him a gun geraff)
Harry: cooooooool……
Hagrid: oh wait got somethin else for ya (pulls out, lets just say something that vaigly resembled a crushed cake) think I sat on it at some point.
Harry: no kidding… (Thinks) better than no cake. YAY I have cake my life is truly wonderful how could it get any better. It would If something could get me away from the Durslyes.
JK: hmmmm wonder how that could happen……
Hagrid: as I was saying before (pulls out card again) I’m Rubeus Hagrid keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts!
Harry: Hog-what?
Hagrid: Hogwarts you know the place were your parents lernt it all.
Harry: say what
Hagrid: you don’t know? (turns to the Durslyes) HE DOESN'T’T KNOW!!!!!!
Durslyes: (Back away slowly)
Hagrid: (turning a reddish color much like Vernon)
Harry: (thinking) Prunish
Hagrid: (shouts at Durslys nay howls)
Dursly: (against wall)
Hagrid: (starts to cool it)
Harry: So from what I gathered from the shouting my parents didn’t diy in a car crash?
Hagrid: No and Harry you’re a wizard.
Harry: ye right like something that intrusting could happen to me
Hagrid: Look inside your self Luk- Harry you know it’s true. Take this (hands over letter)
Vernon: damn it!
Harry: coool I finally have it (stairs at it in awe)
Hagrid: soooo you going to open that
Harry: (thinking) it opens? Oh ye it opens (opens and reads)
Letter: Mr Harry J. Potter yada yada Hogw arts yada yada you have a place yada return owl.
Harry: this… is the….. greatest day…. Of my life. WHEN DO I GO!
Petunia: he’s not going NOT GOING I SAY (goes off into rant about her sister and such)

(they all gape at her)

Harry: ooooooooookay
Hagrid: yer well he’s going ad that’s that (brings out owl, write reply)
Owl: TWOOOOO (flys off)
Harry: soooooo bout my parents
Hagrid: oh ye (glares at Durslys)
Durslys (jump back into wall)
Hagrid: (goes into long-winded explanation about what happened the how not all wizards are good yada yada)
Harry: (Thinking) so this is what it’s like to have an interesting life *sigh*
Hagrid: well you look starved. SOSIGE TIME!
Harry: yay food!
Vernon: don’t touch it
Harry: why not
Vernon: not you Dudley
Hagrid: ye like I’de give it to him pffft

(they here chomping in corner)

Dudley: (eats cake)
Hagrid: why you (points pink umbrella at him)
Dudley: (squeals, pig tail apears in backside)
Harry: (thinking) always new he was a pig haha
Hagrid: ye don’t mention it will yer not suppose to do it you see (shifty look…)
JK: (whispers) foreshadowing later books (wink wink)
Hagrid: Well harry long day ahead tomorrow have yer sosages and well get some sleep (points umbrella at empty fire)
Fire: (flames appear) I live, I LIVE!!!
Harry: so cool
Hagrid: (final glare at Durslys before Vernon says anything. They scamper into other room) here Harry have this to keep yer warm (takes off coat hands to harry)
Harry: coool coat (look in a few pockets, snuggles under and falls asleep)

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

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Old July 7th, 2006, 7:14 pm
Books_4_eva  Female.gif Books_4_eva is offline
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Re: PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 5: An Alley and many Gasps
Part 1

(The next morning)

Harry: (Waking up) Well what a dream that was. Dursleys would probably go mad if I told them about it… Sounds fun!

(There is a tapping)

Harry: (sigh) Theres Aunt Petunia now…
Owl: Oh come on open up. I didn’t fly all night in a storm! To deliver a letter just to get locked out side (bangs beak on window) WAKE UP!!
Harry: (opens eyes) (gasp) it’s an owl (thinking) it wasn’t a dream… I could cry.

(Harry gets up and opens window)

Owl: Finally, well here is the paper so wheres my money? (flys over to Hagrids coat)
Harry: hay get away from there.
Owl: Che not without my money kid (starts going though pockets) Man is it so much to ask that I can get paid without having to go through having to peck my way through half a ton of old dog biscuits. ooooooow a mouse, save that for latter.
Harry: I said get away from there. (Trys to wave owl away)
Owl: (Starts pecking at Harry) Give me the money kid!
Hagrid: (Snorts and wakes up) was goin on.
Harry: Theres an owl.
Owl: He won’t give me my money.
Hagrid: Pay the owl Harry
Harry : Say what.
Hagrid: Pay ‘im… theres money in my pockets, give the owl 5 knuts.
Harry: Ok 5 nuts…. Err hagrid there are no nuts.
Hagrid: Not nuts, knuts… the bronze coins.
Harry: Ooooooooh. (Goes through pockets and picks out 5 knuts)
Owl: finally! (Flys off) only 3 more to deliver… Should be done by about midnight (sigh)
Harry: (looks at coins) errrr Hagrid I don’t have any money.
Hagrid: (bursts into laughter) Yer didn’t (snort) think yer (takes breath) parents left yer with nothing did yer.
Harry: well really theres no reason to laugh…. Wait, I have money!
Hagrid: Sure you do.
Harry: (thinking) best of all theres no catch, none what so ever haha!
JK: (S*******) HAHAHA!!
Harry: So where is it?
Hagrid: Gringotts oh cause, run by Goblins.
Harry: Waaaaa!
Hagrid: yer yed be mad to rob it, never cross a goblin Harry… I new this guy once who crossed a goblin, poor man he was never the same after that… But not to worry Gringotts is the safest place other than maybe Hogwarts
JK: a little thing we in the bizz call foreshadowing (wink) there it a lot of it.
Hagrid: Have to go anyway (proud look) special business for Dumbledore yer see.

(They get into a boat, Hagrid does more magic ‘sigh’ and they set off to London)

Harry: So how did you get here…. And how exactly are the Dursleys going to get back?
Hagrid: Oh me I flew, as for the Dursleys I guess they could swim back…
Harry: Ye they can swim… You flew! Coooooool. So other than the goblins why would you be mad to rob Gringotts.
Hagrid: (goes into long over drawn out explanation that I can’t be bothered to repeat. But he does mention dragons)
JK: ‘cough’ (innocent look) … WHAT!

(Hagrid whips out the newspaper)

Hagrid: Ministry o’ magic messing up again I see.
Harry: (thinking) not much different from the muggle minister them.
Hagrid: Nope
Harry: … err didn’t I think that?
Hagrid: … err noooo…
Harry: Ok than.
Hagrid (tells Harry about the ministry and how Dumbledore would be sooo much better as Minister of Magic but refused the Job. Blah blah blah Dumbledore is the greatest ever and so on.)
Harry: (Looks at rest of letter) Hagrid where are we going to find this in London?
Hagrid: Hay if you know where to look you can find anything in London (wink)

(Later in London)

Hagrid: (In a loud voice) I don’t know how muggles do it! I don think I could live without MAGIC!
Harry: Oh they get along ok. (Thinking) A bit louder next time Hagrid I don’t think the whole street quite caught that.
Hagrid: Well this is it. The Leaky Cauldron!
Harry: (looks at it) is that it.
Hagrid: Yet isn’t it beautiful
Harry: not quite the word I was thinking.
Hagrid: Well in we go.

(they enter)

Random person: Hi Hagrid.
Other person: Sup Hagrid.
Several other people: Hay Hagrid!
Tom: The usual Hagrid?
Hagrid: Can’t Tom, Hogwarts business. (Pats Harry on shoulder)
Harry: (Almost hits the floor)
Tom: (gasp!) OMG Harry Potter!

(everyone is silent)

Harry: Er hi

(Everyone dives for Harry, Tom makes it first by jumping over the bar)

Tom: Welcome Mr Harry Potter welcome! (Shakes Harrys hand)
Doris Crockford: (knocks Tom’s hand out of the way) Can’t belive I’m meeting you Mr Potter.
Diggle: Diggles the name Mr Potter.
Harry: I know you!
Diggle: He remembers! (He faints)
Doris Crockford: (climbing over Diggle) Pleasure Mr Potter.
Other People: Welcome back Mr Potter.
Doris Crockford: Pleasure Mr Potter
Hagrid: Come on people give the lad some air. (Rakes Doris Crockford’s hand from Harrys)

(Young pail man comes forward)

Quirrell: P-P-P Potter n-n-nice to m-m-m-meet you. (Eye twiches, he shakes Harry’s hand, or rather holds Harry’s hand and lets his nerves to the work)
Hagrid: Professor Quirrill!! Harry this will be you defense against the dark arts teacher, which from now on everyone will call DADA to save time!
Quirrell: N-n-n-not that you n-n-n-need it P-P-P-Potter/
Harry: C-c-c-cool (thinking) damn now I’m doing it.
Doris Crockford: (Dives forwards once again) pleasure Mr Potter a pleasure!

(Hagrid drages Harrys hand out of Doris Crockford’s again and leads him outside)

Hagrid: (taps Harry) Stand back now, (gets out pink umbrella and taps the brick tree up ad two across)
Wall: (opens)
Harry: (Gasp) omghatwalljustopend!
Hagrid: Come on don ‘ave all day (Pushed Harry though) Welcome to Diagon Alley!
Harry: (gasp gasp ) omg cauldrons!
Hagrid: Yep
Harry (Gasp)
Hagrid: Well this is Gringotts Harry
Harry : Omg (Gasp)
Goblin: (Bowes them in)
Harry (gasp) so coool.
Sign above door: (All sinister like) Enter stranger but take-
Harry: (Gasp)
Sign above door: Of what awaits the si-
Harry: (Gasp)
Sign above door: For those wh-
Harry: (Gasp)
Sign above door: Kid is it so much to ask that I can do this without you gasping every few words! That’s it I’m not finishing it now.
Harry: Er sorry…
Goblins: (Bows them through door)

(They walk up to one of the desks)

Hagrid: Come to take some money from Mr Harry Potter’s vault.
Goblin: (Scowling) And does he have his key?
Harry: err
Hagrid: Here it is! …. I err went through the pockets for it when yer weren’t looking.
Harry/Goblin: (Exchange looks)
Goblin: Seems to be in order.
Hagrid: oh and I got this from Dumbledore for the thing in vault 713
JK: Yes 13 not ominous at all. (Giggles)
Goblin: Very well. GRIIIIIPHOOOOOK! Show them to their vaults.

(They go through a door another door to where the carts are)

Harry: (Gasp) A cart (Thinking) I’m soooo exited
Hagrid: (Groans)

(They all climb in)

CART: Here we go! (Hurtles off)
JK: Just like a roller coaster!

(One very cool cart ride later they arrive at Harry vault)

Harry: That… Was… The…. Single coolest thing ever! Lets do it again!!
Hagrid: I’m going to be sick.
Griphook: (Opens vault)
Valt: (Opens)
Harry: (Gasp)
Hagrid: All yours Harry
Harry : (Thinking) HAHA let me see the Durslys try and get there hands on this!! And the best thing is no catch… well other than my parents being dead but other than that grate!
JK: ooooookay then…. Moving on (trys to suppress laughter)
Hagrid: (Puts some money in bag) This should do yer for a few terms.

(Back into the cart they go)

Harry: Here we go!
Cart: Because of the terminal velocity we shall reach I think it best if you keep all limbs inside the cart un till I come to a complete stop. (Hurtles off faster than before)

(Moments Latter at vault 713)

Griphook: (All importantly) stay back. (Runs finger down door)
Vault: (opens all cool like by melting away)
Harry: (Leans forward all exited)
Vault: (Billows green smoke)
Harry: (Is exited)
Smoke: (Clears)
Harry (Sees it) … Is that it (thinking) Its just a grubby little package, not very exiting…
Hagrid: (steps forward and picks it up)

(Back outside)

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

Last edited by Books_4_eva; July 10th, 2006 at 8:23 pm.
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Old July 10th, 2006, 8:22 pm
Books_4_eva  Female.gif Books_4_eva is offline
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Re: PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 5: An Alley and many Gasps
Part 2

Harry: Where to go first…
Hagrid: Gone get yer uniform I need a pick-me up at the Leaky Cauldron (stomach gurgle) I think I’m gona be sick.
Harry: err… ok.

(In the robe for all occasions shop)

Madam Malkin: Hogwarts dear
Harry: Yep
Madam Malkin: got another boy back there for Hogwarts to… maybe you two could become friends/
JK: (snort) ye right best friends.
Madam Malkin: (starts pining Harrys robe)
Boy with pointy face: Hogwarts to I suppose?
Harry: Yep
Boy with pointy face: (In posh smug voice) Father’s next door getting my books and Mother’s down the street looking at wan-
Harry: (Has stopped listening)
Boy with pointy face: Hay are you listening to me?
Harry: N- yes
Boy with pointy face: So do you play Quiddich
Harry: err… ye sure gotta love that Kwidd-ich
Boy with pointy face: (With more, if that is possible, of a smug voice) Would be a crime if they didn’t let me on the team.
Harry: Sure a crime (stops listening again)
Boy with pointy face: Look at that man!
Hagrid: (waves)
Harry: Ye (smiling) that’s Hagrid (thinking) ha I know something you don’t.
Boy with pointy face: Oh yes he’s some type of savage I herd
Harry: Noooooo (thinking) I dislike you
Boy with pointy face: Yes
Harry: He’s gamekeeper.
Boy with pointy face: Exactly.
Harry: (Thinking) Strike that I now hate you.
Boy with pointy face: (sneers) you like him do you.
Harry: Yes (Thinking) you are my new worst enemy.

(At this time harry stops listening again and the boy with pointy face asks stuff and Harry catches a few words such as Slitherin Hufflepuff and something to the type of muggle borns shouldn't be aloud at Hogwarts)

Madam Malkin: Done dears
Harry: (Under breath) Thank gawd.


Hagrid: What’s wrong
Harry: Nothing.
Hagrid: Oh come on tell me.
Harry: No
Hagrid: Come oooooon
Harry: Oh fine. A boy with a pointy face told me that people that don’t know there wizards shouldn't be aloud at Hogwarts.
Hagrid: Oh don’t listen to him. (Speaks further words of wisdom.)
Harry: What’s Quiddich?
Hagrid: (laughs) oh I forget how much you don’t know.
Harry: Ye seems to happen a lot that…. So what’s Hufflepuff and Slithering?
Hagrid: Two of the Hogwarts houses, they say the Hufflepuffs are a lode of ol’ duffers though.
Harry: Bet I’m in Hufflepuff.
Hagrid: Better than Slitherin. Not a witch nor wizard that went bad wasn't in Slitherin. You-Know-Who was one.
Harry: (gasp) Evil people in school…. Never would have guessed.
Hagrid: Hay even evil people were once children (cough)

(They go to other shop’s and get Harrys stuff, including an owl. One place left Ollivanders)

Harry: This place is creeeepy.
Hagrid: Your telling me.
Ollivander: Good afternoon.
Harry/Hagrid: (jump out of there skins) Were did he come from.
Hagrid: Sure just give me a hart-attack.
Ollivander: (Smiles creepily) Ah Harry Potter I thought I’d be seeing you.
Harry: Err… Really.
Ollivander: You ave yur mother eyes (says Lillys wand from memory)
Harry: Ye mother eyes got ya (thinking) damn his eyes are creepy… all silver and stairing.
Ollivander: (says James's wand from memory)
Harry: Ooooookaaay.
Ollivander: (comes closer to Harry, looks at his forehead) that where…
Harry: (thinking) creepy creepy creepy ect.
Ollivander: Sorry to say I soled the wand that did it. (Touches Harry scar)
Harry: (thinking) omgsocreepy!
Ollivander: (Spots Hagrid)
Harry: (thinking) oh thank gawd.
Ollivander: Rubeus. Rubeus Hagrid!
Hagrid: (Under breath) oh damn it.
Ollivander: (says Hagrids wand from memory) snapped it I’m guessing after you got expelled.
Hagrid: Still have them though. (Grips pink umbrella)
Ollivander: Don’t use them do you?
Harid: No cause not (nervous laugh)
Ollivander: (turns back to Harry)
Hagrid: (sigh of relief)
Ollivander: (pulls out tape measure)
Tape measure: Finally a new vict- I mean customer. (start’s meashuring)
Ollivander: Your wand arm Mr Potter?
Harry: err… right. (Thinking) darn he’s talking to me again.
Ollivander: (Hands Harry a wand)
Tape measure: (is measuring still)
Harry: (waves wand)
Ollivander: (grabs wand) no no no.

(This goes on, with each wand Ollivander gets more exited…. And so does the tape measure but Ollivander grabs it before it does any lasting damage)

Olivander: hmmmm maybe this one. (tell’s use what the wand is, note the pheonix feather)
Harry: (Waves)
Wand: (sends warmth through Harry hand and lets of red and gold sparks)
Ollivander: (claps hands like a schoolboy) oh bravo. (Starts muttering to self)
Harry: Ok now he is really creeping me out.
Ollivander: So happened Mr Potter that the phoenix whos feather is in your wand gave one other feather, and guess who got it.
Harry: Err…
Ollivander: Why you-know-who did. (says the wand from memory) I think Mr Potter that you will do grate things (glint in eye. If it is at all possible this makes him more creepy looking) after all He Who Must Not Be Named bid grate things, terrible… but grate.
Harry: (Gasp)
Ollivander: (raps up wand) Do come back again you two.
Harry: (thinking) ye right!
Harry/Hagrid: (Race out of the door)

(A few hundred meters from the shop)

Harry: So let me get this strait. Every one thinks I’m special, I’m famous for something I don’t remember, I’m meant to do grate things and AND I have the same phoenix feather as Vol- you-know who!
Hagrid: Yer pretty much.
Harry: Ok then just checking.

(one train ride latter and Harry is back with the Dursleys)

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

Last edited by Books_4_eva; July 10th, 2006 at 9:25 pm.
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Old July 12th, 2006, 8:49 pm
Books_4_eva  Female.gif Books_4_eva is offline
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Re: PS/SS book spoof

Chapter 6: A New Best Friend.

Dursleys: (ignore Harry)
Harry: (is ignored)
Owl: Twwoooooooo
Harry: I shall pet you, hug you and call you Hedwig. You are now my best friend!
Hedwig: Twwoooooooo
Harry: Why yes I am counting down till I go to Hogwarts… Whats that, what train do I take? My ticket just says to go to platform 9 ¾ at 11 and take the Hogwarts Express.
Hedwig: Twwooooooo
Harry: Good question. How do I get there? Well I could ask Vernon for a lift…. Oh joy…

(Harry goes down stairs)

Harry: Er. Uncle Vernon…. Sir
Vernon: (Grunts)
Vernon: (grunts)
Harry: Guess that’s a yes then.
Vernon: Thought you would take flying carpets to that school of yours.
Harry: It just says to go to platform 9 ¾ at 11.
Vernon: 9 and 3 what now…. Sure I’ll take you (evil grin)
Harry: Ooooookaay then.
Vernon: Got to go there to get that ruddy pigtail removed anyway.
Harry: (suppresses laughter) Ok then.

(Next morning)

Harry I’m soooooooo (high voice) exxxxiiiiteeed!
Hedwig: Twwoooooooo.
Harry: Your right it would look strange for me to turn up in my robes, Vernon would have a fit…. Sounds fun!
Hedwig: Twwoooooooo
Harry: You right you being there will be enuff to do that.

(In car)

Vernon: (Silent)
Petunia: (Silent)
Dudley: (scared)
Harry: (Sooooooo exxxiiiiteeed)

(At station)

Vernon: (Acts suspiciously nice)
Harry: (Is suspicious)
Vernon: Well here you are… But look they don’t seem to have built platform 9 ¾ yet. Well see you. (He walks off with a gleeful smile)
Harry: Oh damn.
Hedwig: Twwooooooooo.
Harry: Hagrid hasn’t told me something hasn’t he… there he goes again forgetting how little I know.
Hedwig: Twwooooooooo!
Harry: (Goes up to gard) Err do you know what train leaves at 11.
Gard: There isn’t one.
Harry: You sure.
Gard: Yep
Hedwig: Twwooooooo.
Gard: Yes I’m sure I’m sure (walks off)
Harry: (panics)
Clock: (seems to go at twice the speed)
Harry: OMG (panics)
Red head lady: Pact with muggles as always.
Harry: My savior! (watches red head family)

(Harry continues to watch them but his view is blocked by crowds of people)

Harry: Err excuse me red head lady buuuuut…. Howdoyougetontheplatform!
Red head lady: First time dear? Don’t worry it’s my sons first time to (points at tall red head boy)
Harry: Err… Hi.
Red head lady: All you have to do is run at the wall and you will go right through.
Harry: Ohhhhh… Cool
Red head girl: Good luck.
Harry: (Runs at wall, closes eyes, picks up speed…)


Harry: (opens eyes) It doesn't seem to have worked.
Hedwig: Twoooooo twoooo.
Harry: Ohhhhhhhhh between plat forms 9 and 10… got ya.

(This time he does the same only actually gets the right wall this time.)
Harry: (Makes way to train)
Neville’s gran: Have you lost your toad again.
Neville: (Sigh) yes gran….
Random person: Come on Lee show us it again!
Another person: Ye Lee
Yet another person: We love you Lee!!

(Harry struggles with case un till two red head twins come to help)

Fred: Hi I’m Fred
George: I’m George.
Fred/George: Need some help.
Harry: Ye sure.
Fred: What's that?
George: (points at Harry head)
Harry: ... A scar. Dur.
Fred: Your…
George: Your…
Harry: I’m….
Fred/George: Harry Potter!
Harry: Oh him- I mean yep that’s me.
Red head Lady: Fred George you there!

(They finish helping Harry and go to the red head ladys calls)

Red head Lady: Ron theres something on you nose. (Gets out hanky)
Ron: No not the hanky. Soap, water anything, just not the hanky!
Red head Lady: Oh come now. (wipes his nose)
Ron: Nuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Fred/George: Awww ickle Ronnie Poo.
Oldest Red Head Boy: Hello mother (flashes prefect badge)
Fred/George: Why Percy is that… is that a prefect badge? We had no idea.
Fred: What I think I remember him saying something.
George: Once.
Fred: Twice.
George: A minute.
Fred: All summer.
Percy: Well I never! Well mother I’ll be off. Tally ho and what not.
Red Head Lady: Well boys the train will be leaving soon.

(They kiss the Red Head Lady)

Fred/George: Guess who we helped with his trunk.
Fred: Harry
George: Potter! (Points at Harry looking at them through train door)
Ginny: Oh can we go see him.
Red Head Lady: You already have.
Fred/George: (innocent looks)
Red head Lady: No you will ask him nothing! You got that. I mean it not one question he’s not animal in a zoo.
Harry: (Thinking) Really!
Fred/George: WHAT!
Red Head Lady: I mean it!

(Ron screams as she has another go at his nose with the hanky before they go off onto the train)

Harry: The Red Head Lady is nice.
Ron: Err don’t mind if I join you…
Harry: OMG yes! (cough) I mean no I don’t mind…
Harry/Ron: (Look nervously at each other)
Ron: Omg your Harry Potter!
Harry: Omg you from a wizard family!
Ron: Friends
Harry: Best friends
Ron: YEAH!
Harry: YEAH!
Harry/Ron: ALL RIGHT! (They high five)
Fred: Hay!
George: Only
Fred/George: We may do that.
Harry: Er… sorry.

(Fred and George leave and Harry and Ron have one of them meaningfull talks about there lives)

Hedwig: Twoooo.
Ron: Nice owl, all I have is Scabbers (he pulls out a “rat”)
JK: Ye a “rat” hehe.

(They talk more Harry says Voldermort, Ron gasps and so on.)

Trolly Lady: (Overly British voice) Anything of the trolly dear.
Harry: (Jumps up) I’m starving. I’ll get… everything!
Ron: (feebily pulls out sandwiches) Oh it’s corn beef… I hate corn beef.
Harry: Oh here have a pasty.
Ron: really!
Harry: What are these.
Ron: (spraying crums) chocolat frogs.
Harry: Are they real…
Ron: No, tis just a spell.
Harry: Cool a card… I got Dumbledore!

(The back has some righting on it, blah blah Dumbledore you know the stuff… Note Nicolas Flamel)

JK: (cough) foreshadowing (cough)
Harry: (gasp) He’s gone.
Ron well he can’t stand there all day.
Neville: (Slides into room) Have you seen my toad?
Harry: Sorry no.
Neville: my gran is going to kill me… (Slides out of room)
Harry: … Oooookaaay.
Ron: I know a spell! (gets out wand)
Hermione: (Barges into room) Have you seen a toad- are you doing magic, well lets see then.
Ron… Ok. (Pints wand at Scabbers) Sunshine daisies butter mellow turn this stupid far “rat” yellow.
Scabbers: (is still a “rat”)
Hermione: Well it’s not very good is it. Iv’e done some spells and they all go fine for me I was so exited when I found out I was a witch so where my mam and dad I’m the only on in the family you see-
Harry: (whispers to Ron) Do you think she you know breaths in between sentences…
Hermione: So I was like omg I’m a witch I’m Hermione by the way who are you.
Ron: Ron Weasley.
Harry: Harry Potter…
Hermione: Are you really Iv’e read books about you.
Harry: There are books… about me.
Hermione: Yep didn’t you know well I have to go now see you. (she leaves)
Ron: I will never NEVER be friends with her ever.
JK: I’ll see about that hehe.

(The boy with pointy face comes in, he shall be known as Draco form now on, followed by the idiots Crab and Goyle)

Draco: Is it true, are you Harry Potter.
Harry: (Thinking) Oh look my enemy.
Draco: Draco Malfoy
Ron: (S*******)
Malfoy: Fined my name funny do you. Don’t need to ask who you are, you’re a (sneers) Weasley.
Crab: (Cracks knuckles)
Goyle: (Looks idiotic)
Draco: These are my friends Crab and Goyle.
Goyle: (Goes to touch food)
Scabbers: Not the foooood (bites)
Scabbers: (goes flying)

(Draco Crab and Goyle run off)

Harry: Go. Go. Go Scabber go Scabber. (Does victory dance with Ron)
Ron: Don’t belive it he’s asleep!

(The train stops, they get out and take the boats across a big lake with Hagrid)

Harry: (Gasp) Hogwarts (Looks at it in awe)
Ron: Sooooooo cooool.
Hagrid: (Knocks on big door)

There is a popular theory which states that if ever anyone discovered exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states this has already happened.

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