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Bachelor #3

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Old August 9th, 2006, 3:17 am
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Bachelor #3

Severus Snape found himself sitting on a stage with two chairs to his right, a curtain to his left, and a rather large audience in front of him. “How did I manage to get myself into this one?” he muttered, taking a look around him.

He thought he had died and gone to Hollywood. Microphones and blinding lights were hanging everywhere. Makeup artists were bustling all around him, putting last-minute touches on his very thick makeup. A man wearing sparkly wizard robes was flipping through a stack of cue cards, mouthing his well-rehearsed speeches with a big, fake grin on his face. No, this couldn’t be Hollywood; it had to be Hades. No, it was hell. Gilderoy Lockhart had just taken the seat next to him.

Gilderoy was dressed from head to toe in periwinkle. Even his boots were periwinkle. Even his—was that eye-liner?—was periwinkle. Snape clung to his stomach, willing himself not to throw up. “Fancy seeing you here, Severus,” Gilderoy said, flashing his pearly whites.

“Trust me, it was not my idea.”

“La, la, la, la, la, la.”

“What are you doing?” Snape demanded as Gilderoy sprayed a chloraseptic down his throat.

“Warming up my vocals,” he replied cheerily. “La, la, la, la—”

“It’s karaoke night all over again…And it just got better.”

Percy Weasley strutted in and took the farthest seat from Snape. “Professor,” he said coolly.

“Mr. Weasley,” Snape replied.

“We’re on in five, four, three…” The cameraman then mouthed “two” and “one” then the music cued up.


“Welcome tooooooo ‘The Dating Game’.” Thunderous applause ensued. “I’m your host, Argus Filch.”

Snape’s head spun around so quickly that his neck cracked. It certainly sounded like Filch. He was obviously wearing borrowed robes and a very bad replica of Lockhart’s locks. Even his teeth were shiny like Lockhart’s. “False teeth,” Snape muttered to himself.

“Let’s meet our bachelors today,” Filch read loudly and slowly. “Bachelor number one, Head Assistant to the Minister of Magic, Perciville Weasley.” More applause. “Bachelor number two, renowned author, former Hogwarts professor and lady-killer, Gilderoy Lockhart.” Louder applause and cheering. “And finally, bachelor number three, former Potions Master and now Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, Severus Snape.” Crickets chirped.

After a somewhat awkward pause, Filch continued in his nasally voice. “Now that we’ve met the germs, let’s meet the lady. A successful actress and philanthropist from the U.S. of A., Ginger Grant.”

Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 10th, 2006 at 7:56 am.
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Old August 9th, 2006, 6:15 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

"We now go to Mr. Lee Jordan of Broomsticks 'r' Us for our--er, commercial," said Filch at long last, after having flipped desperately through his cards.

"Thank you, Mr. Filch," said Lee Jordan as the cameras panned towards him. He then addressed the audience. "Do you feel yourself flying but going nowhere very slowly? Are all your friends out-flying you? Want to see their smirks turn sour? Then I have the broom for you: The Firebolt!"

Snape grimaced. He sat there, eyes tightly shut as Lee continued to go on animatedly about the broomstick. He talked about its ability to turn on a dime; its speed; its accuracy; and finally, the five different colors it came in.

"Now I am getting paid to sell Firebolts, Professor McGonagall," he finished off with a hearty laugh. The audience applauded.

"Thank you, Mr. Jordan," said Filch, his hands trembling so hard that he dropped his cards everywhere. A stagehand quickly came up and tried to help him retrieve them (it didn't help that Snape had conjured a wind charm to blow them everywhere.)

"Dead air!" mouthed a wizard wearing a headset.

"Er, uh, yes," muttered Filch. "I--I have a joke."

"Merlin, help us," Snape sighed.

"What did the wizard say when trying to find his baby daughter in the nursery? Any guesses? 'Which Witch?'" If Filch was waiting for an uproar of laughter, he was sorely disappointed. "Well, er, anyway. Miss Grant."

"Ginger," said a breathy voice from the other side of the curtain.

"Right. Ginger, you ask questions, and the bachelors, they--"

"Achoo!" she sneezed.


"Achoo! Is that your cat?"

Snape could make out the silloutte of Mrs. Norris rubbing against the woman's legs.

"Cut! Who said there could be a cat on the set?" asked an angry stage manager.

"We can't "cut", we're live!" the wizard with the headset hissed. He then pointed to Filch to finish his speech and "get that cat off stage."

"Right. You ask, they answer, you choose which bachelor you want and then you get a fabulous prize. Good-bye." Filch picked up his cat and marched off stage.

"Bachelor number one," said Ginger, "What is your favorite spell?"

"I'd have to say," said Percy, puffing out his chest importantly, "any spell within the Ministry's approval applied appropriately to the appropriate situation. Nothing inappropriate."

Snape hated the Ministry. There were a few "inappropriate" spells he'd like to use on them....

"Very well said, Bachelor number one. Same question, Bachelor number two."

"My favorite spell? Well, I have a plethora of spells up my sleeve, so that makes it very hard to choose," said Lockhart, trying his best to look thoughtful (something which, Snape noticed, he could not achieve.) "I'd have to say any spell that would help bring about world peace."

The audience broke into loud applause, as did Percy and Ginger. Snape sneered.

"Bachelor number three, same question."

"It would depend upon who's on the receiving-end of the spell..."

Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 9th, 2006 at 8:11 pm.
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Old August 9th, 2006, 9:06 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

"Bachelor number two, what is your idea of a perfect date?" Ginger asked.

Lockhart thought for a moment then replied, "I'd sit her down in front of a nice, roaring fire..."


"--with two glasses of red wine..."


"--soft music playing in the background...."

"Go on."

"And I'd read to her from Magical Me, a very good book. Since its release over four years ago, Magical Me has captivated witches and wizards world-wide. 'I feel safer knowing a man like that is around,' says Doris Diddledum of Witch Weekly.' 'Every word is so pure, so true, so enlightening," says Wizard Weekly. 'A must-read for every witch or wizard,' says Thomasin Thomas of The Daily Prophet. I've read the book a few times myself," Lockhart chuckled, flashing a big grin at the audience, who laughed and applauded.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." Snape counted under his breath, just as his anger-management coach had taught him.

"Uh, thank you, Bachelor number two. Bachelor number three, same question."

Snape froze. He had never been on a proper date, let alone planned one.

"Bachelor number three, are you still with us?"

"I'm going to kill Dumbledore," Snape sighed. "I would have to say there is no such thing as a perfect date. Unless there are two very strong love potions involved, which I do not endorse, things are bound to go horribly wrong. Besides, dating usually leads to kissing."

"So?" asked Ginger.

"Have you ever taken a look at saliva under a microscope? Clearly you haven't, because if you knew about all of the bacteria that is transferred in a kiss...."

"Uh, thanks for the warning. Uh, Bachelor number one, you know the question."

"I would have to say...a nice stroll down the beach while watching the sunset..."

"How original," Snape scoffed.

"...Then a visit to the Ministry, where I'd show her my desk where I do all of my work. Then I'd take her to meet the Minister of Magic himself."

The audience ate this up like pumpkin pasties; Snape could feel his pumpkin pasties coming back up.

"Ooh, you must be an important authority figure, Bachelor number one."

Percy blushed. Lockhart's smile faded slightly. Snape rolled his eyes.

"And now for our second commercial break," Filch panted, running out onto the stage.


“Enough makeup!” Snape spat at the witch who was dabbing his face with a makeup sponge.

“Shh!” she scolded, nodding to the wizened wizard up front trying to sell hair care products (Lockhart was listening with rapt attention.) “This is no good; your skin is too oily; all of the makeup is running. Do you ever wash your face?”

Snape decided not to dignify that with a response.

“And this hair,” she continued, pulling on a greasy black strand; “do you wash that either?”

Snape could feel his blood starting to boil. Fortunately, before he had a chance to snap and loose his wicked tongue on her, the witch was summoned offstage.

“A little nervous, are we, Severus?” asked Lockhart, who was touching up his own makeup. He turned to look at Snape, who noticed immediately that his teeth were smeared with red lipstick. “What? What is it? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?”

Snape grinned evilly. “Absolutely nothing.”

Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 10th, 2006 at 4:38 am.
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Old August 10th, 2006, 6:17 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

“And now, back to ‘The Dating Game’,” said Filch in a falsely cheery voice. The removal of Mrs. Norris had obviously upset him. “Miss Grant, tell us a little more about…yourself.”

“I was born and raised in Hollywood. But have spent the last forty years on a deserted island with six other people with no phones, no lights, no motor cars, and not a single luxury.”

“Forty years? You, er—you’re not over forty,” Filch cackled.

“Oh course not; I’ll never turn forty,” she laughed. “I’ve been in re-runs since I turned twenty-six.”

Snape wondered if there was anything he could do about those crickets.

“Well, um, maybe you should ask some more questions?” asked Filch, finally finding his place in the cue cards.

“Bachelor number three.”

“Oh goody,” thought Snape.

“If you were a color, what color would you be.”

Snape gave the woman’s silhouette an incredulous stare. “If I were a color, I would not be able to answer you. Therefore your hypothetical question is utterly nonsensical.”

“No, I don’t think you understand,” Ginger said between laughs. “What color best represents you?”

“At this moment?”

“If that’s how you want to do it.”

“Green, then.”

“You’re jealous?”

“No, I am…how do Muggles put it? Green around the gills. In other words, I’m nauseated by the fact that I am being bombarded with your ignorant, childish and ridiculous questions.”

“Uh, right. Bachelor number one, same question.”

“Hmm, that is a tough one,” said Percy, stroking his bald chin. “I would say ‘white’, because of my clean record, or ‘red’ because I know how to cut through red tape.” The audience chuckled. “But I’d have to say—”

Snape couldn’t help himself: “‘Clear’, because people can see right through your insufferable boot-licking act right to your intentions?”

Percy snarled at him. “What I was going to say, before I was interrupted, was ‘ginger’ because of—” Percy shot Snape a look that dared him to make a hair-related joke. “Because ginger is warm, and so is my heart. And because of your beautiful name, of course.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet!” Ginger sighed as the audience applauded.

“Three hundred villages are each missing their idiot,” thought Snape.

“Bachelor number two, what color would you be?”

“Oh, there is a depth to me that it would not be fair to mention just one color. My soul is as beautiful like sun-kissed lilac. My heart is as red as a candied apple. My complexion is as pure and perfect as a peach. I don’t want to brag or anything….”

“Very poetic, Bachelor number two. While I’m still talking to you, I’d like to ask you my next question….”

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Old August 11th, 2006, 7:50 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

“If you were to look into the Mirror of Erised, what would you see?”

Lockhart chuckled. “I’ve looked in the Mirror of Erised and all I could see was me.”

“And what were you doing?” Ginger asked.

“I was—I was—” Lockhart faltered. Then he finally burst into tears, which was more alarming to Snape than his normal cheerfulness. “I was cutting people’s hair. I’ve always wanted to be a hairdresser, you see, but Daddy wouldn’t let me. ‘No, Gil,’ he said, ‘salons are for sissies, now fix your tights.’”

“How sad.”

“I know! All the other boys with their Magical Miss Merry Hair-Shop™ sets, and I was stuck with a new broom! It’s not fair, I tell you; it’s not fair.”

Much to Snape’s relief, Ginger quickly went to Percy for his answer, giving Lockhart some distraction. “If I looked into the Mirror of Erised, I would see all of my family standing around me,” Percy replied. “Sadly, we’ve had a falling out and they all refuse to accept my forgiveness or see me again.”

“Oh, that’s a shame,” Ginger sympathized.

“Oh, please,” Snape muttered, knowing the true story.

“I’ve sent letters, I’ve even visited home. But I’m afraid I’m not wanted there anymore.”

“One more question, Miss Grant, and then it’s off to another commerce,” said Filch trying to interpret the sign that stage manager had magicked up in front of him. “Commerce? Is there something wrong with commerce? Oh, you mean commence…No? Well what exactly do you mean then? Commercial? All right, one more question and then it’s commercial time.”

“Bachelor number three, same question,” said Ginger.

“None,” Snape replied shortly.

“What kind of answer is—”


“Really, I don’t understand—”

“—your—business.” Snape finished this statement in the iciest voice he could conjure.

“And now for a word from one of our sponsors, Chucklates™,” said Filch: “the chocolate that makes you chuckle.”

“Chucklates, Chucklates, they can’t be beat,
They’re the funniest sensation of all cocoa treats.
Laugh your head off and have some fun,
It’s Chucklate-time for everyone!” a young witch sang to the children in the front row.


“Mr. Lockhart,” the wizard with the headset said, rushing to him with a box of handkerchiefs.

“What? What is it?” Lockhart said between sniffles. “Are you here to tell me that I’m a handsome, charming, witty man—”


“—and that I am foolish to have this dream?”


“What do you want, then?” Lockhart demanded.

“You’ve got something on your teeth.”

“We’re back with more of ‘The Dating Game’,” Filch snarled as the children were throwing Chucklate wrappers on the floor. “Someone will have to sweep those up, you know.”

“No, the garbage fairy takes care of that,” chuckled a little boy whose face was covered with chocolate.

Filch rolled his eyes and muttered something about “live wizard vision” and “too many witnesses.”

“Uh, Bachelor number one, what does bachelor number two look like?” Ginger quickly interrupted.

“He’s a short, fat little man with beady eyes and no hair,” Percy jested, much to the audience’s amusement. “Oh, and he has lipstick all over his teeth.”

Lockhart laughed with the rest of the audience, though quickly finished wiping off the remaining lipstick.

“Bachelor number two, what does bachelor number one look like?”
“To put it nicely, he looks like a hairy, red troll,” Lockhart laughed. The audience chimed right in with their laughter.

“Bachelor number one, again; what does bachelor number three look like.”

“He’s a sallow, hook-nosed man, with beady eyes, oily skin and greasy black hair,” Percy replied. The audience roared.

“I don’t see what’s so funny,” Snape hissed, causing the audience to stop abruptly. Ginger, on the other hand, was still laughing.

“It’s just a joke, Bachelor number one. The bachelors always do that for fun—you know, make up strange features to make the other bachelors look bad?”

“Make things up?” said Snape. He then began to laugh—er, cackle—then stopped abruptly. It was an eerie sound, somewhere between a donkey’s baying and a hyena’s mating call. “I wasn’t aware that bachelors one and two were such comedians.”

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Old August 12th, 2006, 6:55 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

“Bachelor number one, if you could get any movie star to play you in a movie about your life, who would you choose?”

“I’d have to say, Arnold Schwartzanager.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” Snape moaned, shaking his head as the audience roared.

“What’s so funny?” asked Percy, the meaning of the laughter clearly lost on him.

“So you’re a tough guy, huh?” Ginger asked.

“I get the job done.”

“Brains no brawn?”

Percy was blushing furiously. “I wouldn’t say that—”

“Don’t worry; I like the brainy type. Bachelor number two, who would you choose?”

“The shark from Jaws?” Snape asked his competitor, whose teeth still looked bloodstained.

“Funny, funny man,” said Lockhart, patting Snape on the knee.

Snape quickly recalled the speed-dating fiasco and slapped Lockhart’s hand away. “Touch me again,” said Snape dangerously, “and I’ll put a permanent sticking charm on that lipstick of yours.”

“Right.” Lockhart immediately folded his hands and put them in his lap. “In answer to your question, Miss Ginger, I would have to say that there is no better celebrity to play me than…me.”

“So, you’re an actor?”

“Yes,” Snape replied for him. “He’s been acting since he was old enough to hold a wand, and probably long before then.”

“Well, since you’re in answering mood, Bachelor number three,” said Ginger, “why don’t you answer the question?”

“Fair enough, even though I was tricked into coming on this show in the first place. I would say ‘Alan Rickman.’”

“Because he always plays the bad guy?” Percy muttered.

Ginger must have sensed a fight coming, because she quickly went to the next question. “Bachelor number two, what color underwear are you wearing?”

“Periwinkle,” said Snape and Lockhart in unison.



“Bachelor number one, same question,” said Ginger.

“Ministry-regulated, curse-deflecting boxers, standard black.”

“Bachelor number three?”

Snape recalled his worst memory; things had changed a lot since then…but not the color of his laundry. “No comment.”

“That’s the second question you’ve deflected. You must be shy. I like the shy ones,” she said in her breathy voice.

“I’m shy!” said Percy and Lockhart in unison.

“Let me try another question.” Ginger thought for a moment.

Filch was bouncing on the balls of his feet humming “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General” under his breath. “We’re running out of time, missy.”

“All right, what’s your fondest memory?”

The Snape Files: Happy Memories

Exhibit A:

“And an extra point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter.”

Exhibit B:

“You—Potter—why didn’t you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he’d make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? That’s another point you’ve lost for Gryffindor.”

Exhibit C:

“Five points, Potter.”

Exhibits D, E, F, G, H, I…(you get the picture):

“Fifty points, Potter.”


“Hmm? What was the question?”

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Old August 13th, 2006, 3:52 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

"Now that you've asked the bachelors your questions," said Filch, "it's time to choose who gets to share this week's fabulous prize with you. This week's winner will accompany you on a small charter boat heading out from Hawaii for a three hour tour!"

"Oh, not again!" Ginger groaned.

"The runners up will also receive a prize: a one-year subscription to Witch Weekly and a copy of Gilderoy Lockhart's latest book: Jousting with Jabberwockies. Now, who's going to be the winner? Is it going to be Bachelor number one, Bachelor number two, or Bachelor number three?"

The audience began shouting: "Two! Two! Two!"

"Well," said Ginger hesitantly, "after I'll I've heard, almost all three of you sound like great guys. But I'm going to have to go with Bachelor number..."

(To be continued tomorrow, along with an explanation of how on earth Filch landed a job as host. All this and more on "The Dating Game" )

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Old August 13th, 2006, 9:36 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: Bachelor #3

"Yes?" said Filch with obvious impatience. "Well, get on with it; I've got to stay and mop up this mess when everybody's gone, you know."

"I'd have to say Bachelor number...Bachelor number one!"

Percy was shocked speechless. Lockhart, naturally assuming that his number had been chosen, began making his way towards the other side of the curtain. He had to be grabbed by two stagehands and roughly dragged back to his seat.

"Well, Miss Ginger Grant, you just won a date with Perciville Weasley of the Ministry of Magic!"

"Oh my goodness!" she screamed running around the curtain to meet her new date. First she spied Snape, who said, "Goodness no." The lady seemed very relieved at this. She then looked at Bachelor number two, who was still being restrained by the stagehands. She then came to Bachelor number one, took one look at his horn-rimmed glasses and burst into tears...of laughter.

Percy didn't seem to notice. He stood up, took her arm and walked her over to Filch.

"Thank you for joining us on the 'The Dating Game'. I'm your temporary fill-in for a host, Argus Filch."

"And we're off," said the stage manager.

"Thank Merlin," Snape muttered, making his way towards the exit.

"Wait! Wait!" said Filch, running towards him, his legs pumping furiously and his hand covering his heart. "You forgot your prize." Filch's nasty smile spread as he held up an autographed copy of Jousting With Jabberwockies.

"Oh goody." Snape turned once again to leave, but a certain question had been nagging at him during the entire show. "Mr. Filch, might I ask--"

"Someone saw me at karaoke night, thought I had good stage-presence," Filch interrupted. "Personally, though, I was in it for the free year's supply of Grumbly's Grime-Remover."

Snape should have known. He quickly fought his way through the sea of stagehands, found an empty spot and disapparated, just in time to miss Lockhart, who was walking towards him.

"He's always doing that to me," Lockhart sighed.

Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 13th, 2006 at 10:34 pm.
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