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~Death or Chocolate~



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  #1  
Old August 11th, 2006, 5:41 am
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~Death or Chocolate~

Thirty Death Eaters gathered in a cemetery, their black robes blowing in a light breeze. It was nearing dusk. They knew what they must do, and they knew they must do it quickly.

Their wands were raised over an empty patch of grass down a row of graves. The Death Eaters counted to three. 1…2…3. There was an enormous bang, and several blankets covered the ground. Then, with a loud pop, bowls of food apparated onto the blankets, and the Death Eaters sat down and began to help themselves.

Crabbe had brought crab; Goyle had brought cheesy mashed potatoes*; Draco Malfoy had brought his father’s special pasta salad; Severus Snape brought haggis and the list of yummy treats goes on and on and on.

“Bone of the chicken unwillingly given,” said Wormtail, hovering a chicken wing over his plate.

“Stop playing with your food,” Snape hissed; “and pass me the beets.”

“What’s the magic word?”

Snape grimaced and rolled his eyes. “We’ve been over this many times before, Wormtail; the Dark Lord has—”

“Yes, yes, I know.” Wormtail let the wing drop to his plate. He picked up a sticky bun and tried putting it to his mouth; but he couldn’t see where his hand was going, so the roll hit the side of his face. “It sure is hard eating with these Death Eater masks on.”

There was another loud pop and everyone rose quickly to their feet. “Welcome, my friends,” said Lord Voldemort in a cold voice that caused everyone to cringe; “shall we open with the pledge?”

Thirty voices then spoke as one:

“We pledge to be evil,
We pledge to be cruel,
We pledge to fight goodness—”

“Now, can someone please pass the gruel?” said a deep voice, which belonged to either Crabbe or Goyle (nobody knew or cared which.) He then started laughing, but nobody joined in, and nobody seemed amused.

Voldemort stepped towards Crabbe (or Goyle), wand raised and….

___________________________________
*Goyle’s Cheesy Mashed Potatoes (aka "Possibly Goyle or Crabbe's last meal"):

6 large potatoes, peeled and quartered
1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded cheddar cheese
cup sour cream
1/3 cup chopped onion
1 egg
2 teaspoons salt
teaspoon pepper

Place potatoes in a large saucepan; cover with water. Cover with lid and bring to a boil. Cook for 20-25 minutes or until very tender; drain well.

In a mixing bowl, mash potatoes. Add cream cheese, cheddar cheese, sour cream, onion, egg, salt and pepper; beat until fluffy. Transfer to a greased 2-quart baking dish. Cover and bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 40-45 minutes or until heated through. Sprinkle with additional cheese if desired. Yield: 10 servings.

Author's note: This is to die for



Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 11th, 2006 at 6:29 am.
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  #2  
Old August 11th, 2006, 10:19 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

…did the hokey pokey. He put his wand arm in, he put his wand arm out, he put his wand arm in and he shook it all about.

The Death Eaters’ jaws dropped. They didn’t know whether to join in, to laugh or to scream in terror. Crabbe/Goyle (henceforth he/they shall be known as this) seemed utterly puzzled, but joined in and “turned himself around.”

“Sir,” said Bellatrix, “with all due respect, don’t we usually save game-time for when after the meeting’s been adjourned?”

“This is not a game,” said Voldemort, stopping his dance. “This is serious. Deadly serious. You all thought that I was going to kill Goyle/Crabbe here for a moment, didn’t you?”

Everyone nodded their heads solemnly.

“I’ve been speaking with Draco, our new PR manager, and he says our whole ‘killing’ image is killing us, no pun intended…you know how I hate puns.”

“Yes, my lord,” chorused all thirty DEs.

“We need to change our image. Draco, if you will.”

Draco bowed low, nearly losing his mask. “Thank you, my lord. Who here can tell me our current motto?”

“Join me and together we destroy the emperor and rule the galaxy!” Crabbe/Goyle shouted.

“Close.”

“Save the clock tower?”*

“No, you imbecile! Does anywhere here even know our motto?…No guessing! Ah, Bellatrix, what is our motto?” Draco asked the dark witch who had just raised her hand.

“Join the Dark Lord or suffer the consequences.”

“Right on the nose. And what are the consequences we list in our brochure?”

“Torture by way of the Cruciatus Curse, or death by way of the Killing Curse.”

“Unfortunately, when given many choices, people tend to have more difficulty deciding. So, we eliminate one of the choices, and that would be the Cruciatus Curse. That leaves them with two options: Join the ranks of evil or suffer death.”

“Sounds good to me,” said Bellatrix with a half-snort.

“It sounds good to us, because we all are evil. To the good, evil isn’t exactly the happiest alternatives to death. That’s why we’ve been failing to recruit more members.”

“So you’re saying we offer them something else?”

“Exactly.” Draco did a few complicated waves of his wand and conjured up a sign that read: “Death or Chocolate."

_____
Fantasy Fudge

3 cups sugar
3/4 cup butter or margarine
2/3 cup evaporated milk
1 12-ounce package semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 7-ounce jar marshmellow creme
1 teaspoon vanilla

Microwave butter in 4-quart bowl on high for one minute, or until melted. Add sugar and milk; mix well. Microwave on high for five minutes, or until it boils; stir after three minutes. Mix well, scrape bowl. Microwave five and a half minutes; stir after three minutes. Gradually stir in chocolate until melted. Add remaing ingredients; mix well. Pour into greased 9-by-9 inch pan. Cool at room temperature; cut into squares.

*I put that in for MartyMcFly--love Back to the Future!


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Old August 12th, 2006, 6:53 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

“Death or Chocolate?” said Bellatrix thoughtfully.

“See, the very mention of chocolate is appealing to your feminine sensibilities. And women are the hardest to recruit. Take a look at this pie chart—”

Chocolate pie chart,” said Crabbe/Goyle, drooling all over himself.

“That’s the attitude,” said Draco, smirking. “The blue pie piece represents the percentage of recruits that were men in the last twenty years, and the red represents the women. As you can see, 90% were male, while the remaining 10% were female. I believe that our new motto will boost the number of women we recruit each year by at least 40%.”

“That leaves us with a very serious question,” said Voldemort: “what kind of chocolate?”

Everyone thought for a moment. Finally, Bellatrix spoke up. “I personally prefer dark chocolate.”

“Let’s not call it ‘dark’; dark makes it sound less appealing,” said Draco. “Let’s call it 'semi-sweet'.”

"So, we're agreed, I hope?" asked Voldemort. "Good, that settles it: it shall be semi-sweet chocolate bars."

The meeting then went into old business, then new business. They then voted on a few more issues, such as, "Are the Death Eater masks really that good for our image?" After some thought, and a few heated duels, it was agreed that their skull masks would be traded in for clowns' faces. "Great," muttered Wormtail; "I don't like clowns."

The meeting ended shortly after. They finished eating what remained of the food, then with thirty-one loud "pops" everyone disapparated.

***

Ding dong went the bell.

"I'll get it," said Mrs. Smith, fixing her hair slightly. She rushed the door and opened it and found two clowns standing on her doorstep.

"Hello, we're--" one of the clowns began.

"A little early for Halloween? It's still summer. Naughty boys want some candy early, do they?"

"Actually, we're here to offer you candy."

Mrs. Smith cocked her head and then laughed. "You don't even know how to trick-or-treat! That's so funny. When I open the door you're supposed to say, 'Trick-or-treat?', then I fill your bags with candy. Here let me shut the door and try again."

"But, Ma'am, we're not--"

"Ready?" She slammed the door in their faces, nearly taking one of their fingers off.

Deciding to humor this woman (though the killing curse was sounding more and more appealing by the moment), the two clowns rang the doorbell again.

Mrs. Smith opened it and tried to look surprised. "Trick-or-treaters! And how cute they look in their Halloween costumes. Here's some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans for you..." she dumped a handful of old jelly beans into one of the clowns' bags. "And here's a few Cockroach Clusters for you. See? That's how it's done. Now, come back in a few months and we'll do this again."

"But, Ma'am, we're here to--"

But it was too late; the door slammed closed in their faces.

"How adorable," said Mrs. Smith to her cat; "grown men trick-or-treating in August."

_____
Fudge Nut Bars

1 cup butter
2 cups brown sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
3 cups quick oat

Cream butter, sugar and vanilla. Mix in eggs. Set aside. Sift flour, baking soda and salt. Stir in rolled oats. Add dry to to creamed mixture.

1 12-ounce package chocolate chips
1 cup sweetened condensed milk
2 tablespoons butter
1 1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup chopped walnuts
2 teaspoons vanilla

In saucepan over boiling water (in double-boiler) mix chocolate chips, sweetened condensed milk, butter and salt. Stir until smooth. Stir in buts and vanilla.

Spread 2/3 cookie mix in greased jelly roll pan. Cover with chocolate mix. Dot with remaining dough. Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 to 30 minutes.



Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 12th, 2006 at 7:08 pm.
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Old August 13th, 2006, 4:50 am
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

“Remember: let me do the talking, Wormtail,” Snape hissed as they walked up the winding path to a two-story home. “Your sniveling tends to embarrass people. Masks on.” Snape pulled down his clown mask and wrapped his white knuckles against the door.

He could hear noises coming from inside: a baby crying, someone tripping over toys, cursing, then several locks being undone. The door opened and there stood a young man.

“What do you—” the man began. Terrified at the sight of them, he immediately pulled a coin purse from his pocket. “How much do you want?” he squealed, his hands shaking.

“We’re not here to rob you,” said Snape calmly; “we’re here to—”

“Take it! Take it all!” The man threw the purse at them and slammed the door in their faces.

“Maybe next time I should do the talking,” said Wormtail, picking up the purse and sifting through the silver coins. “You tend to frighten people, Severus. Ouch!”

Severus had hit him upside the head with the back of his hand. “Idiot.”

***

It was nearing sundown and Neville Longbottom had just jumped into bed (well, "fell" in is actually more the word for it), when he heard the doorbell ring.

"Neville, get the door," said his grandmother from down the hall. "I'm in my skivvies."

Neville shuddered. "Right, Gran." He threw on his dressing robe, picked up his wand, and answered the door.

"Good evening," said a cool, voice.

"Hey, Gran, it's two clowns," Neville laughed. "Boy, I was afraid when I answered the door; I thought you both might be--you know."

"We're here to see your grandmother," said the clown on the left. "We're out recruiting."

"Recruiting? Are you from the circus?"

"No."

"Countess Clarissa's Costuming?"

"No."

"What's going on, Neville, dear?" asked his grandmother. She apparently had heard male voices and had forgotten that she was only in her undergarments.

Now, Death Eaters are usually recruited based on four factors: 1. They're alive and breathing, 2. They're talented duelers, 3. They're brave, and factor number 4: they have the ability to scare the living daylights out of people.

Neville's gran was neither a Death Eater nor a "wannabe", but the site of her in her underthings caused such fright in the Death Eaters that they dropped their bags of semi-sweet chocolate and vanished.

"What was that about?"

Neville groaned as his grandma bent over to pick up the bags of chocolate.

"Darn it. I hate dark chocolate."

______
Will post recipe later; too tired!



Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 14th, 2006 at 3:45 am.
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Old August 14th, 2006, 6:27 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

Snape and Wormtail were growing steadily wearier and wearier as they went on. They had lost their chocolate to the clutches of the Longbottoms, and still had the sight of Gran Longbottom's bloomers firmly planted in their minds. Their solution: IOUs for the chocolate...and very strong memory charms for the bloomers.

"The horrors!" squeaked Wormtail, as he tapped his wand to his temple.

The next house they stopped at was a cute little cottage with pink gingerbread trim and pink shutters. Snape shuddered; he detested the color pink.

“Are your parents home?” Snape asked a little girl who had answered the door. Pretty soon a bunch of little girls came running, staring wide-eyed at Snape and Wormtail.

“I’m having a slumber party!” the little girl exclaimed loudly. “Are you our babysitters?”

“Are your parents home?” Snape repeated slowly.

“Mommy, daddy, the babysitters are here!”

Five tiny girls opened the door the rest of the way and grabbed Snape by the cloak, dragging him and Wormtail inside. “Let’s play Barbie!” “Let’s play pretty princesses!” “Let’s play dress-up!” they all began screaming.

A frazzled witch and wizard emerged from the next room, obviously dressed up for the evening. “Thank goodness you’re here,” said the witch. “There are few galleons on the counter for emergencies, and we’re connected to the floor network of course in case one of you needs to reach us—the address is on the countertop.”

“Ma’am, we’re not here to—”

“I know this is last minute, but thank you so much for coming,” said the wizard, and both he and his wife disapparated.

“Let’s go, Wormtail,” said Snape, trying to pry himself free of the ten tiny hands.

“But, Severus, we can’t leave them alone; they’re too young. And what if bad guys came to the door?”

“Wormtail, we’re the bad guys.”

“Oh, right. But still...”

“A simple immobilizing charm should do the trick, keep them from trying to follow us.” No sooner had Snape drawn out his wand that dozens of eager fingers snatched it away from him.

“Wormtail!” Snape yelled as he tripped over a child in pursuit of his wand.

“Let’s do his makeup!”

“Wormtail…”

“They’re so cute, Severus.”

“Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to help me?”

***

There was always a conflict between doing what was right and what was easy in Peter Pettigrew’s mind. Naturally, what was easy usually won out…and this case was no exception.

“I’m sorry, Severus,” said Wormtail. He watched his comrade, who was tied to a chair, his own wand trained on him. “But you really do look pretty in pink."


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Old August 16th, 2006, 4:01 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

The girls were in their element. They had applied dark pink eyeshadow to above Snape's eyelids, sparkly pink blush to his cheeks (in ample proportions), and a very ruby red lipstick to his lips (which was smeared all over the place, due to Snape's vain attempts to talk). It was then, at Wormtail's mention, that the girls realized that pink didn't really go with Snape's black robes.

One of the girls asked, "How do you turn his robes pink?"

"Allow me," said Wormtail, flicking his wand at Snape, who looked like a murderous beauty-school rejectee.

"Not helping, Wormtail."

"I know, I know; they're just so adorable," Wormtail sniveled, changing the shade of pink to hot.

"Let's do his hair!" one of the little girls cried as she ran into the nearest bathroom. She then came out with a bottle of Lovey's Locks' Hair Potion and began to pour it over Snape's head. She reached her hands to massage the soap in, but thought better of it, got protective gloves, and returned.

"Wormtail, do something now or risk my wrath." Pink bubbles were streaming down his face, getting in his mouth and choking him so he could barely talk.

"I'm sorry, Severus, but they've got a wand!"

"You idiot! YOU have a wand!" Snape spat.

"But there are FIVE of them!"

"I am NOT having this conversation with you. Just think of what I will do once I am free."

Wormtail thought for a moment. There sat the man who had bullied him relentlessly for the last few months...the man who had made him servant, who had used him as a lab rat (in the literal sense) for his experimental potions, who had made him give scalp massages! Yes, here sat that man, helpless. Wormtail decided to live in the now...surely the Dark Lord would pardon him.

"I'm sorry, Severus. Scourgify! Evapora!" The bubbles disappeared and what was left was a bunch of black sausage curls. "I think something's missing." Wormtail conjured a large, fluffy purple boa and handed it to the excited children. "That's better."


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Old August 18th, 2006, 4:41 am
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

Wormtail went around taking pictures of Snape as the girls painted his toenails and then his fingernails. Needless to say, Snape was livid.

"When I get out of here, Wormtail--and belive me I WILL--you will beg for death!"

Wormail shuddered, but continued snapping photo after photo.

***

"This, my lord, is the evidence," said Snape, handing over the developed moving pictures to Lord Voldemort.

Voldemort looked at Wormtail and Snape for a moment then at the pictures that were all spread out before him. He studied them very intently, much to both Snape's and Wormtail's uneasiness. Finally he spoke.

"Excellent."

"What?" asked Snape.

"This is just what we need to boost our image. Severus, job well done."

Snape nodded curtly, inwardly hoping the Dark Lord wasn't expecting him to go through that again.

"We'll put these up at headquarters for everybody to see," said Voldemort.

"Master, I don't think it would be such a good idea," Snape protested.

"They're going up and that's final."

Snape winced. "Yes, my lord."


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Old August 22nd, 2006, 9:13 pm
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

Excerpt from a Death Eater Pamphlet:

"Death or Chocolate, an elegant notion,
When one keeps in mind more sinister potions.
Sure, there are clusters of cockroach
(And things we'd rather not mention)
Things one might get caught selling
And then thrown in detention.

We've gone about a new way of recruiting,
Instead of just begging, bullying or bruting.
When given the choice, just think out your reply:
'Would I have chocolate,
Or would rather I die?'"

--I'm Lord Voldemort, and I approve this message.

***

"Death or chocolate?" Snape snapped at the lady at the door, who was howling with laughter.

"Is that YOU?" she laughed, pointing to the picture on the chocolate wrapper.
It showed a struggling Snape, and though it was black and white, you could tell he was wearing women's colors. "Of COURSE I'd love to buy some chocolate from you. How much are you selling them for?"

Snape moaned. "Madam, you misunderstand me; we are not SELLING the chocolates; it's a part of our campaign. You can either join the Dark Lord and receive a free chocolate bar, or you can die a short, yet painful death."

The woman stared at him for a moment, her eyes blinking. "You're not serious."

Wormtail pulled out his wand and pointed it at the lady. "We will you give you to the count of three and then you must decide. One, two..."

The lady snatched the candy and slammed the door in their face.

"That went well. What now? Do we break in?"

"That would be hardly worth our time and energy, Wormtail."

"What are we going to do then?"

"WE aren't going to do anything. YOU are going to remove these ridiculous wrappers from the candy and destroy them by any means necessary. I'm going home."



Last edited by House_Elf_21; August 23rd, 2006 at 6:47 am.
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Old August 26th, 2006, 1:37 am
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

Severus Snape sank into his leather armchair and heaved a great sigh. It was nearing dawn now; he and Wormtail had been out all night passing out pamphlets promoting their cause:

***

(Caption underneath Snape's photo on the front of a Death Eater pamphlet : )

"Severus Snape
Is no worse than his bite,
And he looks rather lovely
In frilly pink tights.

There's no need to fear Vol--,
I mean 'You-Know-Who's' name,
Rumors and bad press
Are naturally to blame.

Take one look at S. Snape
And then you can cinch:
Would you rather have chocolate
Or sleep with the fish?"

***

Snape massaged his temples. It had been a long day indeed. He tapped his wand to his temple and muttered, "Obliviate." But the second he looked down at his pink robes, it all came back to him. Ever since the incident with the children, the Dark Lord had commanded that he be the voice of the Death Eaters. Naturally, then, he must have a softer image...and that meant softer colors. Pink seemed to be the best, though everyone agreed that it made him even sallower than ever.

Snape sighed and fell into the world of sleep, where he dreamt of chocolate, potlucks, screaming children and frilly pink tights.


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Old August 31st, 2006, 10:05 pm
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

Thirty Death Eaters gathered at a circus, their pink cloaks blowing in a breeze. They were raising funds for their new "Death or Chocolate" campaign. Snape was in a chocolate dunking booth (the line was held up by Wormtail, who would not give up until he had sent Snape splashing into the hot chocolate at least twenty times.) The Dark Lord was giving free tattoos (oddly enough, there was only one to choose from.) Crabbe/Goyle were hosting a chocolate pie-eating contest. Draco was strutting around making sure that Snape did not escape and that everything else was in order. And the rest were manning rotten-candy stands, ferris wheels of death, etc.

News of their new approach to mass-murdering and world-domination had spread, and they actually had quite a turn-out. Everything was running smoothly...what they didn't realize was that they had two spies in their midst.

Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger slowly made their way towards Draco, who was handing out pamphlets with Snape's picture on the front. (Hermione and Ron, of course, had taken Polyjuice potions with hairs from Hermione's grandmothers in them.)

"Here, Penny," said Hermione, taking a pamphlet from Draco and handing it to Ron.

"'Severus Snape
Is no worse than his bite,
And he looks rather lovely
In frilly pink tights....' Geez, I'm loving this already," laughed Ron. Hermione quickly elbowed him in the ribs.

"Do I know you two?" asked Draco, looking the two old ladies up and down.

"No," the two quickly replied.

Ron snorted as he continued to look at the picture of a struggling Snape in makeup. "Say, isn't this the young man at the dunking booth?"

Draco smirked. "That would be Severus Snape."

"I think I'm going to go have a try--"

Hermione pulled him back by the sleeve. "Later, Penny. Thank you very much Dra--I mean, young man."

"Way to go, Gertrude," muttered Ron as they both wobbled away, looking over their shoulders at a shrewd-looking Draco.


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Old September 4th, 2006, 4:03 am
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Re: ~Death or Chocolate~

"This is actually quite fascinating," whispered Hermione as she and Ron made a wide loop around where Voldemort was sitting. "They've completely changed their approach. Look, new members get a free milk chocolate bar. Then every year you've joined you get two bars, or three bars...depending, of course, on how long you've been a member. Death or chocolate: a very interesting concept."

"You thinking of joining?" Ron joked.

Hermione couldn't help but snort; that garbly old woman's voice didn't suit Ron in the least. "We'd better get this information back to Headquarters before the Polyjuice Potion begins to wear off."

"Can I have at least one go at Snape? Come on; this kind of opportunity only comes along...well, this kind of opportunity has never come along."

"Well I--"

"Take that, you miserable bat!" yelled a woman who sounded oddly like....

"Gran Longbottom?" Hermione gasped, spinning around to see the woman pelting hex after hex at Snape, who was madly searching for his wand in the hot chocolate.

"Where's my free chocolate? The stuff you left me was dark--I HATE DARK CHOCOLATE!!!"

"Trouble," muttered Ron as Draco came marching towards them.

"What can we do for you, dear?" asked Hermione, turning her attention away from Gran Longbottom, who was making her way up to the Unforgiveables.

"You'll have to clear out; I have consulted the Dark Lord and your haggard appearence is frightening others away."

"Oh, isn't he a cute one," said Ron, pinching Malfoy's cheek as hard as he could.

"Come along, Penny," Hermione said sweetly, grabbing Ron by the arm.

"Very well. Nice meeting you, young man." Ron gave Malfoy's cheek another hard pinch, causing the prat to cry out in pain.

Before he could do or say anything else, the two "old ladies" disapparated.

***

After the pamplets were taken back to Order headquarters and analyzed, Ron was permitted a few copies of his own, which he enlarged and, er, modified....

The bulletin board in the Gryffindor room at Hogwarts bore a large picture of Snape in pink, charmed to plie and entra chat whenever someone entered the room. Hermione had protested at first, stating that their mission was being trivialized by such nonsense. They had risked their lives to get ahold of those pamplets. But she did agree that it was boosting morale....



Last edited by House_Elf_21; September 4th, 2006 at 4:05 am.
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