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A Hogwarts Carol

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Old September 12th, 2006, 11:15 pm
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A Hogwarts Carol

Christmas is in about three months (I've almost finished my shopping...hope everbody likes candles ) Here's something to get us in the holiday spirit (no groaning, if you please.) Knowing me, this story might not be finished until after the holiday has come and passed , but I hope you all enjoy it anyway. Oh, this is Harry's first year at Hogwarts, by the way.

Well, here is the first installment of A Hogwarts Carol:


The snow was piling high around the castle, tempting students, young and old, into the wide outdoors to sled and participate in enchanted snowball fights. Hagrid was giving free sleigh rides. Quirrel was often seen donning a beautiful red and green turban. Even Filch was whistling Jingle Bells instead of his usual funeral march. Everyone was in high spirits…Well, almost everyone.

Professor Severus Snape sat in his dungeons, counting his potion ingredients. Third years Fred and George Weasley were serving detention at his side, chopping ingredients for next term’s Potions.

“Mind you don’t get any caterpillar parts on my desk,” said Snape slowly, “or risk my…displeasure.”

“Hear something, George?” asked Fred as he beheaded a six-inch caterpillar.

George looked around thoughtfully then replied, “Sounded like Peeves with a cold…’tis the season.”

“Best be careful—”

“Get your flu shots early.”

“I thought you said it was a cold….”

“Quiet,” said Snape.

George chose that moment, when Snape’s mouth was open, to cut the head off of a particularly juicy caterpillar, spraying its guts onto Snape’s desk—and into Snape’s mouth.

Snape closed his eyes, trying to rally his self-control, and spat out a mouthful of green goo. “Forty points from Gryffindor. And clean up this mess—no wands will be necessary.”

George opened his mouth to protest, but perhaps thought better of it, for he said not a word and went to get a rag.

“Say, George,” said Fred, fetching a bottle of Grumbly’s Grime-Remover®, “what exactly is the difference between a cold and a flu?”

“I dunno, Fred…Whichever it is, Dad always insists on taking our temperature with that weird wand thing. You know, the thing Muggles shove up your—”

“Did I not ask for quiet, or are you both so insipid that you cannot grasp the meaning of the word?” Snape paused and sighed. “I know that with the holidays there comes—shall we say, a certain ‘frivolity’…but there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be well-mannered.”

“Well-mannered frivolity?” echoed Fred and George.

“Oh, I mean—Silence.”

There was then a knock upon the classroom door. Snape ignored it and began dusting his potion bottles. The knocking persisted, growing louder and louder as it went on. “Severus?”

“Dumbledore!” George cried.

“We’re saved!”

With thoughts of the annual Christmas grab bag on his mind, Snape cringed and made his leisurely way towards the door. “Yes, Professor?” he asked, opening the door a crack.

“I’ll assume that this foul mood has something to do with the approach of the holidays.”

Snape gave a curt nod.

“I’ll also assume that an unauthorized detention is going on behind these doors, since you are refusing my entrance.”

“Save us, Professor!” cried Fred and George.

“I thought so,” said Dumbledore, a twinkle in his eye. “May I?”

“Certainly,” Snape replied, opening the door further to permit Dumbledore’s entrance.

“Masters Weasley.”

“Hello, Professor; nice hat.”

“Thank you. I thought the mistletoe was a particularly nice touch.” Dumbledore stepped inside the cheerless room, tsk tsking at the pile of headless caterpillars. “Professor Snape, might I have a word?” Dumbledore nodded towards the store cupboard and began to lead the way.

Snape grimaced and followed after.

“Severus, I want to make it clear, if I have not done so already, that detentions are only to be handed out during first and second terms—not during holiday breaks.”

“Headmaster,” Snape began slowly, “I do not think you realize what those two boys have done.”

“All right, Severus; enlighten me,” said Dumbledore.

“Last week, Professor Sprout began noticing that her latest batch of fanged holly was disappearing.”

“Yes, this was reported to me last Saturday.”

“That is not all, Headmaster. Marcus Flint, head of the Slytherin decorating committee, was putting decorations up in the Slytherin Common Room today, when the holly began attacking him. Naturally, we must assume that this is the same holly that has been missing from Professor Sprout’s greenhouses.”

“Naturally. But I fail to see how you managed to connect masters Fred and George Weasley to this.”

“It might have had something to do with the fact that I found them, covered in strange bite-marks, pirouetting outside the Slytherin Common Room to the sound of Flint howling in pain."

“Hmm...the two might be connected."

At that moment, Snape was glad that he had mastered Occlumency. A few choice words were now wandering through his mind, and they weren't "bah humbug."


Last edited by House_Elf_21; September 12th, 2006 at 11:21 pm.
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Old September 25th, 2006, 1:55 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

House Elf is back, and happy to be so. THE PLAY IS FINALLY OVER!!! I am so happy! Anyways, here's more of the story....


"Headmaster, punishment needs to be dealt out; those two boys have done nothing but flout the rules since--"

"I shall look into it, Severus," Dumbledore interrupted in his annoyingly calm voice; "until then, I suggest that you allow masters Fred and George to return to the Gryffindor common room—Or, I could send them for you." Dumbledore raised his chin and looked down his spectacles at Snape.

Snape nodded, and the Headmaster turned to leave.

"Oh, there is one more thing."

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"You will be visited by three ghosts tonight."

Snape stared blankly at the man for a moment. "What?"

"Yes, the first one should be here at about...oh, what did he say? Ten. The second should arrive at eleven, and the third at twelve. Do not look so alarmed, Severus; I'm sure it's nothing serious."

Severus was not alarmed; Severus was seething. Why, at such God forsaken hours, should three ghosts choose to visit him? Didn’t they know that he worked a hard schedule and required his…beauty sleep?

"Good night, Severus," said Dumbledore, turning his back on Snape.

"Good night, Headmaster," said Snape, shutting the door behind Dumbledore a little harder than he meant to. Several jars of strange specimens came crashing to the floor, spilling goo and guts everywhere. With a lazy flick of his wand, Snape took care of the mess then stepped back into his classroom. What he saw made his insides burn.

Fred and George knew the invisible line between being funny and being trouble, and they were pirouetting on it. Literally. The two of them were dancing ontop of Snape's desk, vainly attempting to juggle cow brains as they sang:

"Oh, holy cow!
These brains are really slimy.
Must be Snape's,
'Cause they smell just like him...." (I won't insult your intelligance with the rest.)

"OUT!" barked Snape, pointing a sinewy finger at the door.

As the twins quickly replaced the brains in their proper jars, Snape looked up at the large medieval clock hanging on his wall. It was twenty to ten.

Last edited by House_Elf_21; November 23rd, 2006 at 3:57 am.
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Old November 23rd, 2006, 4:17 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

Snape lay in his four-poster bed, the covers pulled up to his nose. His eyes were closed, but he was not sleeping.

"Hickory dickory dock,
The elf ran up the clock.
The clock struck eleven
The elf went to heaven.
Hickory dickory dock."

"You're going to need a 'doc' if you DON'T SHUT UP, YOU NAGGING, SISSY EXCUSE FOR AN OWL!" he roared at Charon as the clock rang its eighth ring ... then its ninth ... then its tenth ... then ....

BOOM! Snape blasted his bird into a seagull.

"That will teach you to sass me."

"Sass you?" asked a voice unfamiliar to the moment.

Snape's head snapped to his right where there stood--or rather, "floated"--a very pale, very shiny Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington.

"I don't think we've spoken two words to each other for at least three years," said the ghost. "When have I had time to sass you?"

"Not you, you fool! The bird!"

Nick looked at the seagull Charon, whose feathers were more than slightly ruffled. "You mean to tell me you can communicate with that creature?"

"Charon is a--special bird, a fact which he reminds me of on a daily basis." Snape shot a nasty look at Charon, who squaked. Snape's head then snapped back to Nick, his eyes glittering. "Did the headmaster send you here?"

"Ah, I thought this was going to be a surprise. I mean, you could at least act frightened."

Snape snarled, and Nick seemed to decide that it was a better idea to get along with it.

"Anyway, to answer your question: 'no', Professor Dumbledore did not send me here."

Snape blinked. "Then who did?"

Nick smiled importantly, causing Snape's insides to burn with fury. "Let us just say that I come on behalf of a--higher authority."

"You mean--?"

"No, not Him; Richard Simmons."

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Old December 8th, 2006, 1:30 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

"Richard who?"

"Richard Simmons, of course. Goodness sakes, man, he's only the greatest American fitness guru."

"As we're in Britain, I find relavence to be lacking. Besides, what would a fitness 'guru' want with me?"

"Ah, precisely! What would a fitness guru want to do with you?"

"I just asked you that question, you nearly headless dolt." Snape grinned evilly, knowing the effect that that word must be having on the old Gryffindor ghost.

Nick closed his eyes, counted silently to ten, then said in a rather rigid tone, "You know, Professor Snape, your attitude has not gone unnoticed among the ghosts of Hogwarts. It has raised many questions."

"Such as...? I'm just dying to know."

Nick glared at him. "Such as, is he a bloodthirsty vampire, destined to roam the earth alone? Is his blood sugar level low? Is he constipated?...The list goes on and on. However, my good friend Richard and I have been talking, and he agrees that the reason for your grumpiness stems from lack of physical stimulation."


"You're flabby, man, and flabby does not equal happy--though the two mysteriously rhyme...Anyway, now we get to why I am here. I have come to teach you some very simple, ten-minute exercises that will lower your blood pressure (which I am certain is dangerously high), increase the stimulation and production of endorphins and seratonine, and perhaps boost your self-image. On a strict regimen, we can have you lean and less mean in five weeks--twelve tops. So, what do you say?"

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Old December 15th, 2006, 4:08 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

If it were possible to bodily throw a ghost out a window, Snape would have done so. As it is, ghosts are rather hard to get a grip on, and there were no windows in Snape's quarters (big surprise there.)

Snape hated reaching this low, but it was the only weapon in his arsenal that could be used against a ghost--particularly Nick. "I will give you to the count of seven to remove yourself from my presence, or I shall be forced to summon...the Bloody Baron. One, two, three--"

There was a knock upon the door.

Surely this couldn't be the next ghost already (Dumbledore said he/she wasn't scheduled to appear until eleven). Besides, ghosts don't knock; they butt their unwelcome way into wherever they are wanted the least.

"Who is it?" Snape growled.

"Are we ready to get sweaty?" called a voice from the other side of the door.


The door opened with a BANG! and in walked a rather short and funny-looking man with a big, auburn afro. The poorly dressed fool was grinning ear-to-ear, his arms open as if to embrace Snape.

"Now, Richard, Severus doesn't like to be hugged--" Nick quickly cut in, gliding between the two.

"Everybody needs a hug, my tall and sallow man." Richard ran through Nick and embraced Snape, whose hand automatically went for his wand. "Be prepared to say farewell to fat, and hello to a healthier, thinner you."

Some how, in the mayhem that ensued, Richard managed to wrest the wand away from Snape and tuck it in his garter. "You'll get it back if you've been a good boy."

Richard needn't worry; Snape wasn't going anywhere near that.

"I wonder if there is a stronger cleansing charm than 'scourgefy'," Snape silently mused.

"All right then," laughed Richard; "that was a workout in itself, I'll tell you. Now, who's ready to get Sweatin' to the Oldies?"

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Old December 20th, 2006, 8:34 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

If anyone was ready to get "Sweatin' to the Oldies", it most definitely was not Severus Snape. "I think you had better leave," he said, in his deadliest tone.

"Uh, Richard, maybe you should--" began Nick.

"Now, Nicholas, this is only for Sevie's good. Let's start with--Oh, silly me!" cried Richard, pulling out Snape's wand. "We're not quite dressed for the occassion, are we?" With a flick of the wand, Snape's black, billowing robes were replaced with a pink tank-top with the words "Hug Me" written across the front, and a pair of short shorts with the words "Juicy" written across the back. "There we are! Basic black is not the best look for you, my friend. See how the rosy hues bring our your--er--Well, it makes you look more--er...My we are out of shape!"

"Give me my wand, you fool!" Snape spat, making an awfully bold dive for someone wearing such skimpy shorts.

Richard stepped out of the way just in time. Snape did a faceplant.

"While you're down there, we might as well start with a few warm-up exercises."


There comes a time in every man's life when he must decide between what is right and what is easy. This was not such a time for Severus Snape.

His mind was working furiously, trying to find a way out of this terrible predicament. On the one hand, Simmons had his wand and could and would do goodness knows what with it. On the other hand, Snape would never be able to look himself in the mirror again wearing such a ridiculous outfit. But on the other hand, he could stand to lose a few pounds. But on the other hand...No, there was no "other hand". Snape's students needed him. Dumbledore needed him. It was time to take a course of action....

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Old May 23rd, 2007, 3:41 am
House_Elf_21  Undisclosed.gif House_Elf_21 is offline
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

"That's right, Sevie! Remember to breathe," yelled Richard over Snape's huffing and puffing.

"You'd better hope YOU CAN breathe once I get my wand back," Snape growled.

"All right, now that we've warmed up..."

Snape bent over and clutched his hairy knees, still panting. A warm-up?! Twenty laps around the room, fifty sit-ups and sixty jumping-jacks: a warm-up? Wand or not, Snape wanted to take this funny little fro-head man by his scrawny neck and....But, no, he would not show any weakness. He couldn't.

"Don't stop moving!" Richard screamed, waving his hands maniacally. "Heart break! Take your pulse...If you have one, that is."

"What was that?" Snape curled up his lip and looked the man in the eyes.

"There, there. Is the poor vampire cranky? Maybe we should stop and have a hug-break."

"Nonsense--Vampire? What scatter-brained fool told you that tall tale?"


It all happened so fast, Snape was sure that Simmons didn't know what had hit him. Snape hated resorting to Muggle violence, but when this little monstrosity had decided to broach upon his personal proximity, action had to be taken. He kneed him in the gut, slapped him in the face with a stunned Charon, and stole his wand back. "Out!"

"Not until--"

"--Or I'll give you thiry pounds."

"I'm not hard up for money--"

"--in the glutes!"

That seemed to be enough for Richard. He went screaming from the room, clutching to his precious buttocks.

"Thank Merlin that's over."

Oh, how little Severus Snape knew....

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Old June 14th, 2007, 1:11 pm
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Re: A Hogwarts Carol

"Back in black," Snape sighed as he settled back into bed. Snape's head jerked to the side and he glared at Charon. "And this whole 'Juicy' business stays in this room and goes to no one. Understand?"

"Why I would even want to remember something like that is beyond me," said Charon.

Satisfied with that answer, our favorite Potions Master dabbed on some cold cream and put a cucumber over each eye. If anything else, he could scare the next ghost away.

The clock struck eleven. Nothing happened, except that Charon got hungry and ate one of the cucumbers (which he would later regret and regurgitate). 11:15 hit. Nothing. 11:31:05....

"Snapey, Snapey! Wakey, wakey!"

"Peeves," said Snape without opening an eye; "I will call the Bloody Baron if you are not out of here in five, four, three, two..."

"Peevsey has a secret, Peevsey has a secret!" Peeves sang into Snape's ear.

"Good for you."

"Doesn't the cranky old Potions Master want to know what it is?"

"It wouldn't be a secret, then, would it?"

Peeves chose to ignore that statement. "Oh, some say his blood sugar's low; Some say it's cause of his nose; But Peevsey will speak Of this greasy old geek, And say that his spirits are low."

"Shut up!"

"Did I strike a nervey-wervey?"

"Yes; you can't rhyme low with--Oh, never mind. The point is, I will be calling the Bloody Baron in five, four three, two--"


"We love our Severus, oh yes we do. We love our Severus, oh, yes it's true. When we're not near him--he's still rather sallow like a marshmallow but they really say that he's our kind of fellow."

"Who in Merlin's name are you?"

"Just call me Al, Weird Al."

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