Wizard on the Roof

[House_Elf_21]

Author's Notes: I first had this idea when I was writing Snape: Karaoke Superstar?. Harry sang a song about his cousin ("If Dudley Were a Wizard"), and someone asked a very annoyed Snape if he had ever seen Wizard on the Roof. After writing that, I saw that someone had written a musical The Phoenix of the Order (instead of The Phantom of the Opera); this inspired me. Any Aurors who have a problem with this, please owl me (no warnings, though! I have a clean record and would like to keep it that way) and/or lock this thread.

So, with no further ado, I bring you Wizard on the Roof!

***

Wizard on the Roof

Stories of the Four Founders Told in Music!

Prologue:


Salazar Slytherin: A wizard on the roof: sounds crazy, no? But here in these crazy times, you might say that each and every one of us is a wizard on the roof, trying to cast a pleasant, simple spell without blowing up our cauldrons. It isn’t easy. You may ask, why do we stay up here if it is so dangerous? We stay because Hogwarts is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in one word: Division!


"Division", sung by the Sorting Hat ("Tradition", sung by the villagers)

Who day and night pours over all their text books,
Grabbing any book that comes within their sight?
And who is the first in and last out of the library,
Studying 'til late at night?

The Ravenclaws, the Ravenclaws … Division!
The Ravenclaws, the Ravenclaws … Division!

Who must know the way to keep a pure bloodline,
And watch their back all of the time?
Who must be cunning, clever and brute?
(We’ll pardon the less astute.)

The Slytherins, the Slytherins … Division!
The Slytherins, the Slytherins … Division!

At three you slay a dragon
And at ten you prove you’re brave.
I hear they’ve named a wing for you!
Good job, you’re golden.

The Gryffindors, the Gryffindors … Division!
The Gryffindors, the Gryffindors … Division!

And who does Helga teach?
Those who aren’t wise or brave
Are welcome in her house,
Each and every day.

The Hufflepuffs, the Hufflepuffs … Division!
The Hufflepuffs, the Hufflepuffs … Division!


Act I, Scene One:

A flashback: Rowena and Helga are out shopping for suitable wands.

"Wand-Maker" (Matchmaker):

Helga:
Wand-maker, wand-maker
Make me a wand!
Preferably oak,
Steady and strong.
Feather of phoenix
Would be the best core,
To make me a perfect wand.


Rowena:
Wand-maker, wand-maker
I’ll bring the Knuts,
You bring the wand,
No ifs, ands or buts.
Bring me a wand
For I’m longing to be,
The best witch you’ll ever see!


Rowena:
For Helga, make sure that it’s steady.


Helga:
For Rowena, make sure that it’s smart.


Together:
For me, well, I wouldn’t holler
As long as it’s never been stripped apart!

Wand-maker, wand-maker, make me a wand,
Preferably oak, steady and strong.
Night after night I’ve been searching alone
So make me a wand of my own.


Ollivander’s Sixth Cousin Six Times Removed:
Helga, oh Helga,
Have I made a wand for you!
It’s handsome it’s strong,
All right, it’s a 1492,
But it’s a good wand, a nice wand,
True? True.
I’m sure that it does magic,
But even it won’t,
There’s always Potions Class ...
For those that don’t.

Rowena, I found it!
Will you be a lucky witch!
It’s handsome, it’s long—
I hope you’re really rich!
Because it will cost you a fortune.
Right? Right.
I heard you have another,
You use it every day,
But this one’s more studious—
Or so they say.



The Real Ollivander:
Did you think he could make good wands?


Ollivander’s Sixth Cousin Six Times Removed:
Well, I try the best I can.


The Real Ollivander:
With no unicorns’ or phoenixes' feathers for cores,
Be glad you’re still in business!


Helga:
Wand-maker, wand-maker,
You know that I’m still very young,
Please, take your time!


Rowena:
Up to this minute I misunderstood:
A wand’s more than a piece of wood.


Together:
Dear Ollivander, make sure that it’s steady,
And able to perform at top rate.
It’s not that I’m rather fussy,
I just don’t want one to blow up in my face.

Wand-maker, Wand-maker I’m in no rush,
I still have time and maybe I’ve learned:
Playing with bad wands a witch can get cursed.
So bring me no wand,
Cast me no spell,
Forget all the brawn,
Unless it’s a perfect wand!


This is all I have so far. Feel free to throw tomatoes via owl

[House_Elf_21]

Act I, Scene Two

Salazar paces the halls of the newly erected school, pondering a great problem that has been on his mind....

Oh, dear Merlin. There are many, many Mudbloods. I realize, of course, we can’t help dirty blood—but would it be such a crime to just kill them all off?

If there were no Mudbloods, by Salazar (If I Were a Rich Man, by Tevye)

If there were no Mudbloods
Filthy-undeserving-worthless-thieves-who-to-school-should-never-come
I’d have them out upon their little bums
If I were made Head Man

They’d all be locked in prison
Filthy-undeserving-worthless-thieves-who-to-school-should-never-come
And if there’s anything that can be done
I’ll be the one to see it comes to pass.

Old Helga would insist that all kinds are welcome,
My friend, Godric, would, of course, agree
Even smart Rowena would cave in.
But there’s got to be some way to sort out all this trash,
For lack of a better name.
Maybe I could just poison them?

I could build a chamber right ’neath the castle,
And fill it with a basilisk,
No one ever ought to even know.
I’ll put the entrance in the girls’ lavatory,
To keep suspicion at bay.
Those Mudbloods really, really have to go.

If there were no Mudbloods
Filthy-undeserving-worthless-thieves-who-to-school-should-never-come

Merlin! What a great, ingenious plan!
I decide who can’t learn and then who can!
What a brilliant thought a man could have:
My Chamber in the woman’s lav.!

***
Act I, Scene Three

Before the first ever Sorting Ceremony, the four Founders have some wise words for their students....

Hogwart's wish, by the Four Founders and the Sorting Hat (Sabbath Prayer, by Tevye and Co.)

Founders:
May this school protect and instruct you
May you always receive the best grades
May you grow to be
Great, wise and discerning Mage.

Rowena:
Study hard and....

Helga:
Be ever loyal and true.

Salazar:
Always look out for number one, that's you.

Godric:
Don't be frightened. Stand up for whatever is true.

Sorting Hat:
This is our Sorting wish for you.

Founders:
May this school protect and instruct you

Students:
(Echo)

Founders:
May you always receive the best grades

Students:
(Echo)

Founders:
Stay within the bounds

Students:
(Echo)

Founders:
And you'll earn points.
Oh, hear and do beware:
So be it.

[House_Elf_21]

Act I, Scene Four

Slytherin and Gryffindor have their first falling-out

To Strife!, by Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff (To Life, by Tevye, villagers and Russians)

Slytherin
To your depravity!

Gryffindor
To your disembowelment!

Both
And most importantly...
To strife, to strife!
To strivin'!
To strivin', to strivin' for life!

Gryffindor:
Here's to the best friend I've tried to be.

Slytherin:
Here's to my foe-to-be.

Both:
Drink to strivin', to fight!
To fight, to strivin'.
To strivin', to strivin' for life.

Gryffindor:
It has a way of dividing us...

Slytherin:
Cursing yet guiding us...

Both:
Drink to strivin', to striving, to strife!

Slytherin:
I would be so very grateful
If you stubbed your big toe on that magic door!

Gryffindor:
How I'd like to give you a cursing
That no witch nor wizard has ever heard before!

Both
To you and your misfortune!
In prison, I hope you get life!
And if that bad fortune never comes,
I hope you at least get some.
Drink to strivin', to strife!

*cue the peace-makers*

Helga:
Put your wands away
And leave this for another day
You have been, up 'til now, best friends and nigh like brothers.

Rowena:
Think of all the children
Waiting for someone to teach them
Get to class and leave this petty feud behind!

Helga and Rowena:
May you both be friends again and forget all this strife!
May you both believe that there is other things in life!

Slytherin and Gryffindor:
Forgive me?... NO STRIFE!

***

Act I, Scene Five (Six)

Slytherin tries to teach a few students potions and grows... impatient. Are we seeing the pre-cursor to a certain bat-like professor?

Imbecile of Imbeciles, by Slytherin (Miracle of Miracles, by Motel)


Blunder of blunders!
Imbecile of imbeciles!
You will be taking my class again.
But if by some sort of miracle of miracles,
You will be gone by the term's end!

Blunder of blunders!
Imbecile of Imbeciles!
If Merlin were alive I'm sure he'd frown.
Can you not tell a bezoar from a billywig?
What on earth is the use now?

If Helga Hufflepuff were smart,
That'd be a miracle.
If you could brew a simple draught,
That'd be a miracle.

Of all of the imbeciles large and small,
The biggest nitwit of them all
Is the one I thought would never be:
The one who chose to teach you, that's me!